Hearth's Warming Festivus

by Flufflefic

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1648

Alicorns don't celebrate Hearth's warming.

Exactly what it sounds like. Festivus meets MLP in a hilarious mix up.

Published 2015-12-21 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-21 00:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Feats of Strength

The air was brisk, and the day was at its peak. Birds sang, and the fresh snow laid across the entire royal castle, in a state of blanket-like perfection. Twilight Sparkle was visiting today, at her tutors request for a special meeting.

“So Twilight,” Celestia asked, sipping her fine China glass of lemon tea, on the covered balcony of her suite, looking down on the bustling castle below. “How's friendship?”

“F-fine,” Twilight stammered, nervous of meeting her teacher on such short notice. She could be dismissing her! Oh, the horrendous possibilities! She thought, with terrifying ideas racing throughout her head.

“You seem nervous,” Celestia commented. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes,” Twilight blurted. “It's the tea. It needs sugar.” Which was not a lie, it was very strong tea.

“Let's go for a stroll, perhaps that will bring down your nerves?” Celestia suggested.

She's going in for the kill! Twilight thought. “S-sure,”

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Celestia slowly traversed the royal garden, with her alicorn apprentice at her side.

“There is something I must tell you about,” Celestia stated. “Away from the other ponies.”

“Yes?” Twilight said, cringing.

“Oh, hush, it's not that bad.” Celestia said, comforting her protogé. “It is simply the fact that, alicorns don't celebrate Hearth's Warming.”

“Really?” Twilight enquired. “What do you- uh... we do?”

“Have you heard of the ritual of Festivus?” The older alicorn asked.

“Festivus? I recall in Starswirl The Bearded’s text ‘Quod Reliquum est Nobis’ it was mentioned, but…”

“Starswirl did love his dancing…” Celestia reminisced. “To clear it up, it is the ‘Festivus for the rest of us’” After saying this, she struck a royal pose, with her hoof propping up her head, and the other behind her neck.

“Gee, thanks,” Twilight mumbled, rolling her eyes. “Would you mind elaborating?”

“Oh, right,” Celestia said, snapping out of it. “Here is what you must do: One, purchase a 72” pole for your living area. Display it as your centerpiece. Be proud of it. Two, every night, dance around the pole, in any fashion you desire, so long as you are merry. Are you getting this?”

“Paper and pencil,” Twilight responded.

“Good. Three, on the twenty-fifth day of December, you must host a party where participants perform feats of strength around the pole. The winner is than crowned the queen of Festivus, and will win the blessings of the holiday.”

"The twenty-fifth? That's tomorrow!"

“Then I would get shopping.” Celestia said, smiling as she flew to her tower.

What a strange request. Twilight thought. However, if all alicorns did this, than she felt compelled to host such a party as well.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

“Seventy-Two inches,” Twilight told the clerk, getting rather aggravated. “Of aluminum, high-strength pole.”

The clerk was puzzled, as Twilight refused to tell him the purpose for the pipe.

“Fine,” The clerk said, defeated. “That will be sixty-two bits, please.” Twilight handed him the money, and the unicorn sawed off the desired length of pole, and gave it to the alicorn. Twilight sighed as she dragged the pole home.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

“So no cookies?” Spike asked, prioritizing after hearing the big news.

“Not necessarily. Now listen. Send the gang each an invitation to here, for tomorrow, at noon.” Twilight said, gravely serious.

“What should I tell them?”

“Nothing. If they get the slightest suspicion that I have gone off of the deep end, it's all over.”

“Gotcha,” Spike affirmed, brandishing a quill in his paw.

“Oh, and Spike," Twilight remembered. “Would you like to join me in a dance around the pole?

“Umm… Ok?” Spike said, unsure of what might happen next. Twilight flipped through some albums, and stopped on one. She removed it from its case, and then cover, and placed it gently on the record player. She positioned the needle, and Spike awkwardly took Twilight's hoof, and began to dance to the slow, classical beat of Neightoven.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Twilight woke up at 11:00 the next morning. She immediately cleaned up the library to make it semi presentable, and worked the entire hour she had. After wiping the sweat from her brow, she heard her  doorbell ring.

“Spike, be a gentledragon and get the door, please.” Twilight asked. Spike did as he was told, and revealed the five invited ponies.

“Hello!” Twilight greeted. “Come in! How funny you all should come at the same time!”

“Actually,” Rainbow Dash said. “Me and Fluttershy were here first, but she was too shy to ring the doorbell.”

“They're so loud!” The yellow pegasus retorted.

“Quit your clamoring. Today we are gathered in the spirit of Festivus, an ancient alicorn tradition that I am to share with you all.” Twilight said. “You are here for the main event: feats of strength. Each of you will be matched up-” Before she could finish. Applejack and Rarity eyed each other, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash located each other, and Pinkie bounced towards Twilight.

“That was easier than I thought…” Twilight said, savoring the simplicity. “Any objections?”

“Actually, I-” Flutters began to whisper.

“Each of you will challenge each other, and fight to submission! The winner moves on! The winner will possess the blessings of Festivus! Let the games begin!” Twilight announced.

The following half-hour was pandemonium. Books flew off shelves, and lamps cross couches, and chairs cross rooms, until the dust settled. Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy all laid in various forms of submission. However, as it was all in the name of fun, nopony was hurt.

“Congratulations, Applejack, Dash, and Pinkie. You have made it to the final round. It starts… Now!"

What happened next cannot be explained in words, for the sheer awesomeness was too great for literature. In a fury of hoofs and judo, Applejack laid her opponents down in a move that is now known as the “super slam”. The two remaining ponies begged for their lives as Applejack forced them into submission.

“Holy cow,” Twilight said, amazed. “That was incredible! The new queen if Festivus is… Applejack! Congratulation, and may Festivus be with you!”

“Ah’ knew it all along.” Applejack said with a drawl, and winked at the rest of the ponies in the room.

Chapter 2: Airing of Greivances

“So what's next?” Dash asked. “A flying competition?” She continued, her eyes lighting up.

“Well, that is where Celestia left off. However, it appears that Starswirl wrote that follows is an ‘airing of grievances’.” Twilight responded. From the enthusiastic looks in her friends’ eyes, she was then prompted to ask: “Who's up for it?”

Everypony nodded, and it appeared that they were all in agreement. The insanity would continue.

“Before we continue,” Rarity said. “I must ask; what is the pole for?”

Twilight donned a puzzled look on her face. “I've wondered that, too. Oh well. Princesses orders. Anyhow, who would like to start?”

“Ah’ would love to.” Applejack forcefully blurted out. “Rarity jus’ has to be less uptight, and put her friends before rich people.”

“Before you begin,” Twilight started before Rarity could blow off her hot steam. “You have to use the following format; ‘in the past year, you have disappointed me by, yadda yadda yadda.”

Rarity took action immediately after Twilight finished. “Well Applejack, in the past year, you have disappointed me by never donating to those who need it, and looking like a walking dump!”

Applejack was quick to fire back, now that the ball was in her court. “Ah’ can't donate what little ah’ have! And at least ah’ wear sumpthin’, instead of occasionally putting’ on fancy dresses!”

The rest of the gang clapped at the display of civilized fighting. Who knew that insanity could be so controlled?

“Us next!” Dash shouted, shoving a hoof towards Fluttershy.

“Actually, I think that me and Twili-” Fluttershy started, but was indefinitely cut off.

“Enough!” Rainbow Dash shouted, silencing the room, and causing Fluttershy to sulk into a corner in lip biting terror. “In the past year, you have disappointed me by not flying fast enough! And also, you need to be more charismatic! And get yourself out there! Find a colt! Settle down, for Celestia’s sake!” With the conclusion of her rant, the rainbow pegasus flopped onto her back in exhaustion.

“Oh, is she done?” Fluttershy quietly enquired. “In the past year, you have disappointed me by… Well, actually you were pretty nice.”

“Oh,” Rarity groaned, unfitting of the lady that she portrayed herself as. “Go at it! Finish her off!”

Fluttershy sank back into the corner and closed her eyes. “If anything," she quickly said. “You could be nicer to animals…”

“WHAT!” Rainbow Dash spit, fire burning in her eyes. “Those blue jays were in my way, so I carefully moved them away from danger!”

“My turn, my turn!” Pinkie said, bouncing up and down. “In the past year, you have disappointed me by not coming to my parties, not helping me cook, never letting me write any letters-”

“There was that one, wasn't there…” Twilight recalled. “Never mind.”

“And never helping me bathe Gummy!” She finished.

“You,” Twilight began. “in the past year, you have disappointed me by never helping me and Spike reshelve, or-”

“Speaking of him, where is my little Spiky-wikey?” Rarity wondered out loud.

“Fixing us a vegetarian meatloaf.” Twilight responded, face flat and devoid of any happy expression.

“Vegetarian meatloaf… How meta!” Rarity exclaimed.

“Shut up!” Twilight exploded. “Now, IF I MAY, you have never made matters better, just worse. That's about it, though. But hey, that was a new experience, eh?” Twilight *cough canadian cough* Sparkle finished. “Now who's hungry?” she asked.

“Ooh, ooh, I am!” Pinkie screamed.

“We knew that,” Rainbow Dash said.

“How's it going, Spike? Twilight called out to her scaley friend.

“Hold up, I have never seen an over glow like this befo-”

The explosion that followed was big.

Like really big.

Like deserving of another one of those episodes where they rebuild it big.

In other words, cliche.