Rainbow's Cool Saga of Bad Decisions

by Crimmar

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 3644

Rainbow Dash owns a wicked cool cloud house. The only one of its kind in Ponyville. Maybe she should have wondered why no other pegasus had bothered building one before her.

When Rainbow Dash came to Ponyville she built her own house to live in. A cloud house. The only one of its kind in Ponyville. Just like her owner, she said.
Maybe she should have given more thought as to why no other pegasus had a cloud house in Ponyville. Or take a bigger loan and spend a few more bits on it.
Now, every winter, her bad decisions come to take a bite out of her frostbitten flank.

Published 2015-12-21 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-21 00:40:01 UTC

Chapter 1

When Rainbow first came to Ponyville, her first move after securing her position in the weather team located there, was to find a place to… move in. Having just arrived from Cloudsdale, none of Ponyville’s residences really appealed to her. She needed to be in the sky, she claimed. She had to be able to get out her front door and greet the open horizon, not her neighbor’s door with the crinkling paint across the street. She had to have a proper cloud house. Cloudsdale style!

Also, she had noticed how none of the other pegasi in town had one, so this was a great chance for her to show off. Sole owner of a proper cloud, rainbow sprouting house, anypony? That’s Dash, thank you for coming, see you later, I’m gonna chill on my cloud bed, in my cloud room, in my cloud bucking house.

The cost was a little too much on the up side, and she may have ended up owing her wings’ feather ends to the bank she got the loan from, but Rainbow Dash was nothing if not innovative and cunning. She wasn’t planning on having a lot of heavy stuff in her new home -couldn’t afford to anyway- so she skimped a little bit on the cloud floor materials. She also didn’t need to treat the clouds with the special, insulating process. Hah, why would she anyway? It was a cloud house! A little pull and a push, and tadaa! She could move it in the sun or the shade. Problem solved. Oh, Dash, why can’t everypony be as brilliant as you?

She regretted everything with bitter, cold hate later on. Warm emotions like flaming anger, burning desire, sizzling passion, and toasty bed covers were a rare beast on winter months for her now.

Let’s have a little background first, shall we? Cloudsdale. The pegasi city. Most importantly, the moving city. If Rainbow had given it a little bit of thought first, she would have realized that Cloudsdale had never been cold at all, all year long, for the whole lifetime she lived there. That’s because Cloudsdale, being a little on the heavy side, always needed the aid of thermals to keep it up in the air. This came with the great side effect of… yeah, that’s right. The thermals kept the city warm and toasty.

There were no large thermals in Ponyville come winter. So… oops. She didn’t think of that.

Cloudsdale always moved to help bring winter with its special weather factories. Fun fact. It never really stayed in the area afterwards. They moved the city to warmer climates as soon as they were done.

Rainbow Dash lived in Ponyville. Was working in Ponyville. So… she had to wait for the climate to come to her. Is that the sound of three whole months of winter aiming for her trembling lips so they can shove themselves down her throat? Why, I believe it is!

Cloudsdale residences were made with specially treated, insulated clouds. That meant they kept cold out, warmth in. The very same she skimped out on.

Let’s- let’s move on.

Clouds were made of condensed moisture. Rainbow’s bright idea of making a fireplace failed for two reasons. One; having skimped on the better materials for her floor meant that her fireplace couldn’t be made of stone, and she couldn’t move more than a few logs inside her house. Two; Clouds that had the insulating process skimped on can’t withstand the heat of a roaring fire and turn back into water. Outcome? Wet logs, no fireplace, and a brand new hole for the gentle (not gentle) winter breeze (totally not a breeze) to come inside and cool (freeze) her home.

No wonder no other pegasi in town had a cloud house.

Fluttershy should denounce her as her friend and take her to animal prison because she really screwed the pooch on this one.

So, where did that leave us, I hear you ask. Why, it leaves us with a sorry cyan pegasus that faced another winter where she had three options. 1. Stay at her Palace of Frost, and hope someone misses her at springtime so they can come and thaw her out. 2. Smooch off the delicious heat from her friends’ pads as much as possible, becoming Ponyville’s winter version of that guy who keeps crashing on your couch, or 3. keep exercising, twenty-four seven, to keep the blood flowing.

As always, Rainbow Dash’s first refuge was exercise. With her amazing powers of forgetting what happened every time she made that choice at this time of year activated, she rushed outside through the gaping hole in her living room.

“Celestia’s woolen socks, it is cold as buck! Why did I think fast flying would warm me up? I can’t feel my face anymore!” Rainbow Dash landed on the nearest cloud so she could rub the cold mask she used to call a face back into life. Maybe slap it a few times too. Celestia knew she deserved it.

“The keen powers of my pegasi race tell me that I just sat on a hail cloud,” she observed, deadpan and unsurprised. She raised her flank a bit so she could dislodge the sharp ice stones that had pricked her tender region.

Rainbow gazed towards the horizon, tears flowing from her face as she observed the stunning beauty of the snow capped mountains in the distance, the sun that was lowering behind them depriving her from even that little warmth - please, don’t go-, and the fierce wind that decided to blow at that exact moment, creating small, tender crystals on her eyelashes and mane.

She took a few seconds to brush it all off and stomp around in order to warm herself up. “Ok, no fast flying. That’s cool. I’ll just build up my endurance. One hundred circles around Ponyville with excessive flapping should get me so warm I’ll just melt the snow off Ponyville with my stunning, fiery presence.”

Ok, now we are talking, Rainbow thought to herself. Ten laps in and I’m really starting to heat up. Oh wow, this is what being warm felt like? That’s awesome!

Twenty laps in, Rainbow had started building a sweat. She was a certified genius. She could keep this up all d- evening and night. In the morning she could crush at one of her friend’s home and sleep it off. Winter… bah. Is that all there is to it? Rainbow had this beat once more.

“Right you are, Rainbow,” her left wing said in a shameless attempt to endear itself as her favorite.

“Uh, no. I’m right,” her right wing corrected Lefty. “But mistress Dash is certainly correct. With us, and especially me, on her side-”

“Sides,” Lefty said.

Righty gave a gentle cough. “Sides. Of course, excuse me. With the two of us on her side there is no challenge that mistress Dash cannot overcome!”

“Right you are, Righty,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed with renewed vigor. Some cheering up always helped. She patted Righty where she thought his forehead was. Lefty on her left side grumbled at the lack of attention he was getting.

She kept on her flying, pushing herself to make a small loop just for the thrill of it. Righty and Lefty kept flapping and soaring, obedient as ever. “By the way,” Rainbow asked, “since when can you guys talk?”

“Oh mistress, is this really a question that needs to be asked?” Righty said and left the actual answer to Lefty.

“You are so amazingly awesome and cool, talking is the least we should be able to do. Hay, if you think that’s cool, watch this!” Lefty detached himself from her side and flapped forwards, did a barrel roll, and came to fly beside her face.

“Cheerios, old chap. I think I shall join you too.” Righty detached himself too and came to fly to Lefty’s opposite side.

Rainbow laughed with excitement. “Wow, that is cool! It’s like having my own flying team. Since when can you guys do that?”

“To be honest, mistress,” Righty said reluctantly, “we can’t do that yet. But we will be able to do it soon.”

“When?”

“When the frostbite settles in, of course!” Lefty piped up with childish enthusiasm.

“The what?”

“The frostbite, mistress,” Righty explained in his posh accent. “You landed for a small rest sometime after the thirtieth lap and fell asleep in the snow, soaking wet from all the sweat you build up. Why, if they take too long in finding you, even the Hooffie Boys might be able to join us.”

“Eeeyup!” said Left Backsy.

“Oh, horseapples, no, no, no!” Rainbow screamed in panic as her head popped free of the snow bank she had found herself in.

“My wings! They are frozen solid! So is my flank. My everything!” Rainbow Dash decided to triage. First, she had to take care of her wings. Her flank could take care of itself. Landing gear was useless without wings.

She flapped her wings, or tried to. The muscles were screaming with the pain of a thousand needles per square inch. She started rubbing them with her hooves and against each other. Warm, she needed to get them warm. She brought them forward and almost inserted them into her mouth as she exhaled as much hot air as she could from her lungs with heavy, trembling, deep breaths. More! She needed more. She grabbed hold of her right wing with all her hooves, rubbing up and down, breathing down on the top.

“I think I have a new fetish now.”

Rainbow froze -metaphorically for once this day- in place. Lyra was standing just a few feet away from her, dressed with a heavy looking jacket and a scarf she had lowered away from her face as she watched Rainbow Dash hungrily with wide eyes.

“Don’t just stop there, keep rubbing that bad boy,” Lyra urged her on, her voice full of lust.

Rainbow Dash was torn. Should she brave the cold winds with her barely functioning wings and fly away as fast as possible? Dig a hole where she sat and not come out before summer time or when Lyra died of old age? Maybe she should just kill Lyra right now and bury her in the hole?

Decisions, decisions.

“Lyra, what are you up to now?” Bon-Bon said as she trotted to Lyra’s side. Her jaw went a little slack when she saw Rainbow Dash still caught in her compromising position.

Another one. That- that was great.

“Watch, Bon-Bon.” Lyra was smiling widely. “Rainbow Dash is gonna deepthroat Righty.”

“Who?”

“Righty. Her right wing. She is gonna take him all in, just watch.”

“Ok, Lyra, first of all, no pegasus in the history of Equestria ever named their right wing Righty. That would be retarded. Secondly; ewww. Rainbow Dash, what do you think you are doing?” Bon-Bon yelled. “Out in public? Are you insane or just an exhibitionist?”

“Yeah, what do you think you are doing? Giving innocent unicorns new exciting fetishes and desires?” Lyra called out in support. “I had a healthy obsession with fingers and now all I can think about is…” Lyra did some strange motions with her front hooves, clicking them against each other. She frowned more and more with each motion, almost ready to cry by the end.

“Lyra? Are you ok?” Bon-Bon asked, worried.

“Oh…” Lyra said with heartfelt despair. “If only I had fingers. The gestures I could make,” she sniffed.

Bon-Bon patted her friend on the shoulder in sympathy. “It’s ok, Lyra. Come on, let’s go home and I’ll make you some hot cocoa and candy. What do you say?”

“Oh…” Lyra said with heartfelt despair. “If only I had fingers. The cocoa and candy I could make,” she sniffed.

“Yes, it’s a real shame. Come on, up you go.” Bon-Bon glanced at Rainbow Dash over her shoulder. “We don’t need any more sexual deviants in our group anyway. You are enough.”

“You mean it?” Lyra sniffled.

“Of course.”

“Even though I have no fingers?”

“That never stopped you before, dear. Now, let’s move a little faster, shall we? It’s really cold.”

Rainbow Dash felt safe to move again when they disappeared from sight.

“Well, that just happened. I didn’t even take part in it. I was just sitting there,” she said to herself.

Rainbow looked at the setting sun. It was getting colder. And it was about to get even colder as soon as the big, firey thing went down. Hugging her wings through that whole ordeal helped them regain feeling. It didn’t help her flank that spent the entire time resting on snow. Everything had puckered up tight down there and felt harder than granite.

Rubbing her flank and… surrounding areas to warm them up was not an option. With her luck, Lyra had probably ran off from Bon-Bon and was lurking somewhere nearby, ready to watch the show.

Look at all all those lucky bastards, she thought, having a house that actually protected them from the elements. She let her eyes run over the myriad chimneys that spewed smoke, delicious, warm smoke, up to the sky, going to waste while she was here freezing her cu-

Chimneys. Warmth. Thermals. Rainbow Dash had another brilliant idea.

She flew off for her house. She had a lot of pulling to do.

Behind her, a bush sighed in disappointment.

“What did we learn today?” Rainbow asked as she stood alone in her newly darkened living room. “We learned that I am a bucking idiot.”

She also learned that her cheap floor, apart from not being able to stop large weights falling through, was also incapable of stopping the fine particles of ash and soot. Her formerly white cloud house had become gray, darkening more and more as time passed.

Rainbow walked as tenderly as she could towards the exit. Too much weight on a hoofstep and a cloud of soot would choke her. She tried to fly before, and all she managed was to spread the ashes over everything. Posters, wasted. Her shiny trophies, now pitch black. Every photo she had? Now portraying the eternal black night. Luna would approve.

She would feel better for her lack of forethought if the house had warmed up even a smidgen, but she forgot one important issue.

The wind picked up, entered through the giant hole on her wall, and brought the ash back into the air so it could land on new and exciting places. Rainbow rushed outside. Hot water was another amenity she was currently missing. Baths were not an option, and thus neither was getting dirtier than she had to.

It was time to bite the bullet. She needed a place to crash for the night. But… begging for a place to sleep while she had a perfectly fine house -as far as everypony else knew- was totally uncool. She needed a plan. She had to go somewhere that nopony would find strange to find her. Somewhere where she could spend the night with an airtight excuse. Someplace where a close friend was. She thought of her options.

Applejack. She lived in a farmhouse where she had a nice, cozy fireplace burning all night. If she stayed the night there however she would be recruited to help with the morning chores. Which the Apple family considered starting about two hours before the sun actually rose. Nope, no thanks.

Pinkie Pie. She could tell her she wanted to have a small slumber party with just her. Pinkie would eat that up. Then they would stay up all night, playing party games, with just Pinkie and her chattering… motor… mouth… all night long…

Next one! Fluttershy! Yes, Fluttershy. Her oldest friend. Oh boy, this would be easy as pie. Hey Fluttershy, can I come in? I just wanted to see you before I headed up to my awesome house. Oh, strange, I feel so tired all of a sudden. Do you mind if I crash on your couch? No? Thanks, Fluttershy, you are a gem. What would follow, would be the greatest nap that ever was, on Fluttershy’s warm couch, surrounded by her animals, many of which were up at night, like her owls that kept going “whoo” all night, her little snakes rattling everywhere and… ah, horseapples.

Rarity! She could go at Rarity’s. She would just say that… uh… well, she could pretend that she needed a… scarf? At night? Rarity would be only too glad to give her one and then… well, she would be out again. Unless Rarity needed a model for some dress. Then she would be stuck playing ponyquin for hours until she got kicked to the curb again. Unless she spilled the beans to Rarity, premier gossip mare of Ponyville.

That left her with…

She flew off towards Twilight’s place.

“You need to do what?” Twilight was rubbing her ears. What was so strange about what she said?

“I need to study up on something, and I need books. You have a library, so that means you have books. You have books, because you have a library, so that means if I want to study I need to do it here.” Rainbow rubbed her hooves against each other. It had gotten really, really cold, and she started to suspect that her alibi wasn’t as airtight as she thought.

Oh, she could feel a warm breeze coming from inside. That felt so gooood…

“What do you need to study on?” Twilight asked, suspicious.

“I, uh…” Crap. She forgot. Plan first, then act. Quickly, what could she give as an excuse? Oh, the bucking weather was vicious today, her whole brain had fro-

“Weather systems!” she cried out in sudden inspiration. “For my job! We… uh… we have to settle some cold fronts coming from the side of the Everfree tomorrow evening and I need to brush up on how they… behave and stuff?”

Twilight shivered in place. “Brr, more cold? We really don’t need any more of this,” she said.

“Tell me about it.” Rainbow Dash wanted to swish her tail but she was pretty sure it had locked in place. It had become really heavy anyway, with all the ice that had formed in between her tail hairs.

“Wait here, I’ll bring the books out for you in a jiffy.” Twilight crashed Rainbow Dash’s hopes for a stay in her warm library with an expertly made sentence.

“Wait!” Rainbow cried out desperate. “I, uh… I’ll read them here. I don’t want anypony to see them up in my place and think I became an egghead,” she laughed nervously.

“I don’t know, Rainbow. I was about to close up-”

“Oh come on, don’t you trust me? What, do you think I’ll steal your books and run off?” Please, let me in, I can’t feel my teeth, please, please, please, let me in, let me in, let me in…

Bitch, stop hogging all that warmth for yourself! Bucking let me in!

“Oh, alright, come in.” YES!

Oh, Celestia. The air inside was actually warm. The floor was not freezing her hooves! This was the life. Little tinkling sounds of ice crashing down followed Rainbow Dash as she walked towards a couch in the back.

“Here you go,” Twilight said. A pile of books landed on Rainbow’s side.

“What are these for?” she asked.

“Books. Specifically the books you asked for. Weather systems, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. I’ll get right on it.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at her. “Anything else you need?”

Rainbow jumped up and down in place, testing the couch’s comfort. “Could you get me a blanket?” she asked.

“A blanket.” Twilight said in a monotone.

“Yeah, you know. I’m not used to sitting in one place for long, and all those big books... whew! Why, I might be here all night. I need something to protect my tush from going deadly numb.” Rainbow Dash gave Twilight one of her patented brilliant, winning smiles.

“Uh, huh. Would you also like a pillow?” she asked. “For, you know, your tushy’s comfort?”

Holly molly, she was better at this than she thought. “Yeah, I guess. I got a lot of reading to do after all. Extreme measures and all that.”

“For that warm front coming over from Whitewood forest, right?” Twilight asked.

“Right,” Rainbow agreed. “Can’t be too careful with those dangerous things.”

“Of course,” Twilight said with a roll of her eyes. Something must have gotten in them, Rainbow thought. “I’ll get them for you.”

“Thanks, Twilight!”

“Just fix your place, Rainbow,” Twilight said as she went upstairs.

What? Oh, she probably meant the rainbow fountain. It tended to sputter when the weather was too cold. She would get on it right away.

She moved the books on the end of the couch and tried them out. Too tall. She removed one. Perfect. A little too square for a pillow, but she would manage until Twilight fell asleep and could replace them with the actual pillow she would bring her.

Winter, huh. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Day one over with. Eighty nine to go.

Yeah, she totally had it. No problem.

Author's Note

I like to sleep with the sound of a fan on. Last night, my cellphone's battery died and I couldn't find the charger so I made the glorious decision of plugging in a real fan. Turned up high cause I like it loud.

And that's the story of how I came up with this story a few minutes after I was up, while trying to give life back to my feet with the hairdryer pistol (very desperate, don't laugh). Took me a little bit over an hour to write and if you notice mistakes, well, no editing. Sorry.