If you read this, then you'll lose your kidney
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If you read this, then you'll lose your kidney
Charley slept in a bunch of bushes in the meadow, the best hiding spot he could think of. It was nice, warm, sunny, and there was a Pink and a Blue unicorn standing right behind him.
"Wake up, Charley!"
"Yeah, wake up, Charley!"
"Ah, god, guys, how did you freakin' find me?!" Charley exclaimed.
"There's no escape from us, Charley."
"Yeah, Charley, you'll never hide from us!"
Charley groaned. "Ah, figures. So, what is it this time?"
"We want to go to Ponyville Charley, we're going to Ponyville!"
"Yeah, Charley, we're going to Ponyville!"
"And I don't have any freakin' choice, do I?" Charley asked.
"No, you do have a choice." said the Blue One.
"Oh, I do?" Charley asked.
"Yeah, but there's a boogly-woogly pumpkin monster that wants to eat your brains here." the Pink One informed.
Then came the boogly-woogly pumpkin monster. Charley sighed.
"Okay, fine, I'm goin'."
---[({x)}]---
"My Little Charley~" sang the Blue One.
"My Little Charley~" sang the Pink One.
"I'm not that little, you guys, I'm only 4.5 feet."
"You will understand when your older, Charley." the Pink One explained.
"I'm older than you." Charley stated.
"But your not a platypus, are you?" asked the Blue One... sort of suspiciously? It's hard to tell how they feel when they keep smiling.
"Um... no..." Charley admitted.
"Then you'll have to wait." the Pink One told him, "Besides, there's a platypus right there!"
"It's a tortoise, you guys!" Charley corrected.
"No, silly, it's a duck!" the Blue One argued.
"Quake." said the duck with an Australian hat that quaked in an Australian accent.
"Wait a second, wasn't it just... oh forget it." said Charley.
"Now, the duck shall give us the antidote for cancer and all sicknesses!" the Blue One announced.
"Yeah, we are going to cure cancer!" the Pink One added.
The duck's head twisted around rapidly and spun off it's neck like a lid, then flew off into the air like a helicopter.
"There it is, Charley!" the Pink One exclaimed.
"Yeah, Charley, there's the cure for cancer!" the Blue One added.
"A head just freakin' flew off, how's that the cure to cancer?" Charley questioned.
"Silly Charley, it's what's inside that counts." the Blue One explained.
"Yeah, Charley, it's what's inside." the Pink One added before he-- she...? I don't even know. Anyway, before it grabbed a tube with a pink liquid from the duck's throat.
"That's freakin' gross." Charley commented.
"Hey, look, it matches your color!!!" the Pink One said to the Blue One.
"Yeah, it does, now let's throw it away!" the Blue One suggested.
"Yay!!!" the Pink One cheered as they threw away the serum.
"But... that's the freakin' cure to cancer, guys! We need that!" Charley complained.
"Oh, no, silly, that's not what we're looking for." said the Pink One.
"Yeah, Charley, we're looking for what's under the cure." explained the Blue One, and reached further into the duck's neck to grab out a piece of paper. "The formula to the cure of cancer!"
"Yay!" the Pink One rejoiced.
"So, are we, like, gonna cure cancer now or something?" Charley asked.
"Oh, no, Charley, that's just silly." said the Blue One.
"Yeah, Charley, we don't want to cure cancer, there's a map on this paper." explained the Pink One as it flipped the paper around to reveal a map behind it.
"Well, that explains why that piece of paper looks so old..." Charley commented.
"Charley, look, it's a cockatrice!" the Blue One exclaimed.
"Ah, god, it looks ugly!" Charley exclaimed.
"Take us to Ponyville!" the Pink One demanded.
"Yeah, take us to Ponyville!" the Blue One backed up.
The cockatrice doesn't listen to anyone, and so it stared at them to turn them into stone! Only for the Pink and Blue One to float into the air, and not turned into stone.
"Ah, guys, what's it trying to do, and why the hell are you two up in the air?" Charley asked.
"The cockatrice has dispensed wisdom!" the Blue One explained.
"Yeah, Charley, and now we are going to fly to Ponyville!" the Pink One added.
"And you too, Charley!" the Blue One added as Charley descended into the air.
"Oh... um... alright..."
---[({x})]---
And so, once when they made it too Ponyville, they landed before Charley had yet another question to ask.
"Ah, guys, why are we suddenly more cartoony, chubby, and cute?" he asked.
"Because we want to, Charley." the Pink One explained.
"Freaking fine." Charley replied.
"Hi!" said a pink pony, not a unicorn this time. "I'm Pinkie Pie!" said Steve. (her name is Steve, don't let her fool you!) "Welcome to Ponyville! Do you wanna hear my 'welcoming' song?" she asked.
"No." Charley answered.
~Welcome, welcome, welcome to Ponyville
Just pass every mountain and hill
Then your in the outskirts, but still~!
~We got candy, friends, and lots of ponies
Come, ride on my back, as the Prench pony says 'Allons-y'~
Weeee!
Steve grabbed Charley by place him in a cart she attached herself to, then soared into the skies.
"Oh, god, I'm gonna puke."
~There are lots of sights to see out here
Some grab my hoof as we shall fly with a banana in your favorite ear
As we shall fly, cry, and cheer~!
"I would rather cry, thank you."
~The skies, so blue,
Can make you stick around like glue
We don't need to know why we live, not a single clue
But the big bang happened, and Doug_ believes it's true~!
I'm a creationist.
~So lets have fun
For this song is almost done
All the fun till dawn
But for now, I am gone~
Then Pinkie Pie exploded.
"Of course." Charley said aloud.
"Come on, Charley, lets go to the library!" said the Blue One.
"I love libraries." said the Pink One.
"I don't think we can make any reservations, guys, the whole place is booked." Charley said sarcastically with a cringe-worthy pun.
"Don't worry, Charley, we can get one." said the Blue One.
"Wee, wee!" said a French waiter pony.
"The out-house is over there." said the Pink One as it pointed off somewhere.
"Merci. Wee wee!"
Then the French waiter pony was gone.
"Lets go to the library!"
---[({x})]---
Once upon a time, there was Twilight Sparkle, the star pupil of Princess Celestia. She was a great student, with her love for studying, her passion for her homework, and her talent in magic, the gift that the Princess had taught Twilight had to properly use for many a year. She lived in a nice, peaceful life, all filled with books, without a care in the world.
And then a pink and blue unicorn came in.
"We're here, Charley! We're at the library!" said the Pink One.
"Ah, yay, how nice." said Charley sarcastically as he joined in with them. "So, um, what now? Are we gonna read or something?"
"No, Charley, silly head, we're just going to go inside and look around!" said the Blue One. They entered.
"Oh, welcome, how may I help you?" said Twilight.
"Why is there a burnt starfish in your library?" asked the Blue One.
Twilight looked confused. "What are you--"
"I LOVE YOU!!!" yelled a burnt starfish, who vibrated like a poodle and had a crazed, obsessive look like Norman Bates. "I SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR YOU, MY LOVE!"
"Ah, great, this guy again." Charley said sarcastically.
"What is happening?" asked Twilight.
"I ask that all the freaking time." Charley replied.
"Hey, look, Charley, we found a trampoline!" said the Blue One.
"Yeah, Charley, come jump with us on the trampoline!" added the Pink One.
"Hey, stop jumping on my bed!" Twilight exclaimed. Her horn glowed a light purple, but nothing happened. "My magic, it isn't working on them!"
"Of course it doesn't freaking work, they're everything proof." Charley explained to her.
"Goodbye, Charley!" said the Pink One.
"Bye, bye!" said the Blue One.
Then they closed and locked the door behind Charley.
"Great, looks like I'm trapped here." said Charley.
"Oh, don't worry I can just... and now my magic doesn't work on the door, either."
"Is magic your answer to everything?" asked Charley.
"Um... no..." Twilight hesitated. "What would give you such a silly idea?"
"CHARLEY! I LOVE YOU! AND I LOVE YOUR BOOK, TWILIGHT!" yelled the Starfish, who read 'Magic is the Answer to Everything' by Miss Know It All.
"So your name is 'Twilight', then?" asked Charley.
"Yes, Twilight Sparkle. What's your name?" asked Twilight.
"Charley." answered Charley.
"LETS PLAY MUSIC!" yelled Starfish, with a boombox right next to him. "I LOVE MUSIC! AND I LOVE YOU, CHARLEY!!!"
"Please don't play freaking music." said Charley.
It played anyway.
"Well... it's nice music, I guess." said Twilight.
"It's music about goin' to a bar and drinking a lot." Charley stated.
"But... it sounds so innocent." said Twilight.
"Sure, go on and think that. I think I'll enjoy this peace for awhile." said Charley before he laid down to rest.
"LET ME SLEEP WITH YOU! I LOVE YOU!!!" yelled the Starfish as it got to as close as snuggling to Charley as the cheep animation would let him.
And so, there came peace for exactly 7.3 seconds.
"CHARLEY~!" yelled the Blue One, who floated in mid air.
"They're back!" exclaimed Twilight.
"Please leave me alone." said Charley.
"YEAH, LEAVE US ALONE!" yelled the Starfish.
"Die." said the Pink One, also floating in mid air.
"NOOOOO!!!! I LOVE YOU, CHARLEY!!!" yelled Starfish, then he died.
"Come on, we must hurry!" said the Blue One. "We are in the wrong time, we traveled all the way back to season two instead of season six!"
"Yeah, and now we are causing a paradox by bringing in a bug bear from season five!" said the Pink One, and the bug bear appeared.
"Better run!" said Charley as he ran out the window. Twilight joined him. The Pink and Blue One just floated, and smiled.
"Good job, we fooled him!" said the Blue One.
"Yeah, I can't believe he fell for that!" said the Pink One. The 'bug bear' tipped over, and landed on the ground as a piece of cardboard, just as two diametrical as this entire fan fiction.
---[({x})]---
"Ow, my everything." said Charley.
"You said it. Okay, explain everything!" Twilight demanded.
"Okay then. I am forced here against my will by those two, that's all I freaking know." Charley explained. "Who knows with those two, really. They just do whatever they freaking want, and that's it."
There came an empty pause. And then you lost your kidney.
"That's it?" asked Twilight.
"Yeah, pretty much."