Ain't That a Boot to the Head
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Ain’t That a Boot to the Head
I was shackled by two pairs of hoofcuffs and being lead down the hall by a guard. These things chafed, I don’t see why some mares like them. I don’t even know why I’m in the castle to begin with. The day started out as any other, with me making an alfalfa omelet and pouring some orange juice into my favorite glass. Then I was interrupted by a knock on the door and when I opened it the cuffs were immediately put on me and I was escorted here. Oh, I also forgot to mention the magic inhibitor on my horn.
So here I am, little old me in the castle, being led to the throne room for some reason. I don’t really recall doing anything that really called for my immediate arrest, but I didn’t really have the best of memories. It might have been that I forgot to pay for that ice cream a few days ago, but the ice cream stallion was sure to catch up with me for payment so it probably wasn’t that. Or I might have left my water running to long after I watered my flowers. But I don’t think I saw my hose on when I was taken from my house. So what could it be?
We were already at the throne room by the time I was pulled out of my thoughts by lack of anything that would call for this. As the doors were opened for my escort and me, he bellowed out “Announcing the convicted unicorn, Sound Proof for his hearing!” Both the princesses were sitting in the throne room and that was shocking. Usually when you hear about a case, only one of the princesses is present for the hearing. And where were the rest of the ponies? There was no jury. How is this fair trial?
“My little pony, you are convicted of crimes against the crowns and the nation of Equestria. How do you plead?” Celestia had a stern look on her face and a fire in her eyes. Ponies never saw this side of her and it greatly intimidated me.
“Your highness, I have no idea what you are talking about. What crimes was I accused of committing?”
“That is not how this works. Either you plead guilty or innocent and we proceed from there. You know what your crimes are and your refusal to answer gives me no choice but to declare you guilty.” Her hoof was about to come down on her leg rest, but her sister spoke up.
“But sister, what has this stallion done? I have seen no reports bearing his name and this is the first time I have even heard of him.”
Celestia leaned down to talk to her sister and put a hoof over her mouth so I couldn’t see what she was saying. Luna’s eyes widened and she gave out a low gasp, her hoof covering her mouth in surprise. She sent a glare in my direction that set me shaking in my hooves. The clacking of the hard keratin on the floor echoed in the quiet room. I gave in.
“Please your highnesses have mercy! I have a cat at home that gets nervous when I’m away for too long and pees on the carpet. It’s not like there isn’t a litter box, but she just can’t stand me not being there. And my family would be so disappointed in me! I can’t go to the dungeons! Or prison! I wouldn’t last a day in there! Please, please let me know what I did so I can atone for it.”
The guard had to pick me back up off the floor, and he set me back on my hooves. I was a sniveling mess, with mucus dripping from my muzzle and a small puddle of tears already forming at my hooves. Celestia spoke out “Given that you prostrated yourself before us in a fashion neither of us have seen for quite some time, we will be lenient in your punishment. We hereby sentence you to…” I closed my eyes in preparation for the inevitable sentence of life in the dungeons. Or maybe even worse, the crystal caverns. “A boot to the head!” She flung out her left hoof in a pointing fashion.
“Huh?” A boot sailed out of nowhere and smacked me straight in the face. “Ow! What the heck!”
“And another from I!” Luna did the same motion with her hoof and again I was pelted with a boot, but from the other side. “And one for Tiberius!” A boot sailed up behind me and landed right on top of my head. The guard looked nonplussed, like this was a normal thing.
“And one from guard 338!” The guard next to me pulled a boot from somewhere while still keeping a straight face and threw it at me. It impacted with my muzzle and stung slightly, but didn’t cause any bleeding.
A voice rung through the hall. “And one from Q! Um, I mean Discord!” A candy gummy boot came from behind the throne and stuck itself on my horn. This was making no sense, what kind of sentence was this?
“And that concludes your sentence.” Celestia clanged her hoof against her leg rest and the hoofcuffs fell of, and the guard took off the ring after removing the boot. “Oh and one more thing.” She levitated a letter over to me and opened it in front of my face. “I would be ever glad if you came here next year to help out with court. You’ve been got, if that is the correct term.”
“You mean that this whole thing was a prank? That I was forcefully taken from my home and placed in restraints for a joke? And that I was hit with five boots (are those minotaur boots?), for one measly little joke?”
Celestia and Luna looked at each other (if you hadn’t noticed, I now no longer used their titles because I don’t feel the need to) and nodded to me. “Pretty much. It was Discord’s idea, because he said we needed to take a breather.”
“That’s it, I’m going to go back home and eat my breakfast that is most likely burnt to a crisp by now and get back to you.” I turned and headed for the throne room doors, but I was stopped by Celestia.
“There is one more thing before you leave. Since we cannot force you to keep quiet about this, we will give you one thing.” A smirk appeared on her face. “A lifetime supply of ice cream.”
“Well, what flavor?”
The throne room doors burst open and Princess Twilight strode in. “Boot to the head flavor!” Her horn glowed and a whole pile of boots appeared above me, quickly covering me in a mound of footwear.
/\/\/\/\/\/\
“And that was how I was initiated into the Order of Das Boot!”
“Sound, you are one crazy stallion, you know that man?”
“Hey, it’s a true story. Hey, where are you going? Seriously Roll, it’s a tru…”