What This Year's Hearth's Warming Serial Should Have Been

by TheCastawayPariah

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2621

Tired of the wishy-washy fare typically found around the festive season, Rainbow Dash decides to change things for what considers to be the better.

Having just sat through another clichéd and worn Hearth's Warming radio special with her friends, Rainbow Dash voices her opinion and vows to make an improvement to the radio channels' season agendas.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-24 01:00:01 UTC

The End of the Special, The Beginning of Rainbow's Plan

"Thank you once again for saving Hearth's Warming, little Toffee!" said Father Hearth's Warming gratefully, shaking Toffee Break's hoof.

"No problem, Father Hearth's Warming! We couldn't just stand by," replied the young colt.

Father Hearth's chuckled gleefully, and Toffee went off to join the fun. "Goodbye, Father Hearth's Warming!" he called.

"Ho ho ho! Merry Hearth's Warming, everypony!" And with that, Father Hearth's Warming's reindeer started to pull the sleigh up into the night sky, and they disappeared into the night.

Toffee Break, along with the rest of Ponyville, danced and sung all through the night. There was so much love and cheer spread around, and even the leaders of Griffonstone and Zebrica were happy with each other. Toffee had learnt a lesson about the importance of giving over receiving, and he would use it all through his days. For now, he was content to enjoy the remainder of Hearth's Warming Eve with all whom he held dear.

Rainbow Dash and her five friends, along with Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo listened to the last part of the radio special. Rainbow cheered and gave a round of applause.

Pinkie Pie laughed. "Wooooooow Dashie, you sure liked-"

"It's finally over! WOOHOO!" said Rainbow.

Sweetie tilted her head. "But Rainbow Dash, why are you cheering for that?" she asked.

"Are you kidding?" asked Rainbow. "I am SO sick of listening to these sappy radio specials every year. They're so cheesy that you could pour them over nachos and eat it for dinner."

"I thought it was nice," put in Fluttershy meekly. "Like that movie with the turquoise mare who had a pink mane..."

"Of course you did," replied Rainbow with a deadpan expression. "Am I the only one who notices that was the exact same thing we listened to last year? And the year before? A young foal is a selfish jerk. Hearth's Warming is in danger of being 'cancelled'. Father Hearth's Warming enlists the help of this foal above anypony else for some reason. As they have their journey, the foal learns the importance of love and sharing. Once Hearth's Warming is saved, the foal vows to treat everypony better. THE END."

Twilight opened her mouth to make a response, but then closed it. She couldn't argue with that.

"All for the purpose of making money!" Rainbow went on. "Everypony is dumb enough to love these specials, so of course the greedy executives go and milk the same junk every time! It's a waste of taxpayers' money! And that part at the end with the leaders of Griffonstone and Zebrica hugging is hugely disrespectful to what's really going on between those two right now. I swear, if they haven't stopped putting these on in ten years' time..."

Rarity silently motioned for everypony else to leave. Everypony except Sweetie quietly got up and waved goodbye as they left Carousel Boutique.

It had taken Rainbow Dash seven minutes to realize she was ranting to herself and nopony had been listening. She touched down in front of her house and walked in. "Those thickheaded know-it-alls," she mumbled. It looked as though nopony would come to their senses in terms of how sappy and terrible these holiday specials really were. If only they would. Then there could be a change...

Rainbow stopped in her tracks. There was no need to wait.

If you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself.

Rainbow Dash grabbed the typewriter from under her bed (yesterday had marked the fifth time Twilight had asked when Rainbow would give it back after borrowing it) and grinned with anticipation. By Celestia's tail, she was going to produce a far superior holiday special. It was what Equestria deserved.

She put her hooves on the keys and got to work.

Spectrum Streak: The Mission

RAINB SPECTRUM STREAK: THE MISSION

Spectrum Streak was sitting in the personal lobby the Equestrian Bureau of Investigation (EBI for short) had given her for consistently being awesome. She was awaiting her next mission, and also thinking about the gifts that would be showered upon her this Hearth's Warming, which was coming up.

Then there was an announcement on the intercom thingies they had in every room. "Spectrum Streak, please report to the Boss' office. Spectrum Streak, please report to the Boss' office."

Spectrum got up and headed out and walked with loads of swag because she's awesome like that.

She got to the tall office doors and the bodyguard ponies stepped aside to let her in. "So, what seems to be the problem, boss?" she asked as she entered.

"Spectrum, we've got some serious business. Allow me to let you into this secret room," said the boss. "Please cover your eyes."

Spectrum did so. While her eyes were closed, the boss took down a picture on the wall to show another picture beneath it. He took that down and there was yet another picture, and he took that off to reveal a keypad. He typed in the passcode and the ceiling revealed a metal door.

"You may look now," he told Spectrum, who opened her eyes. "Right this way, Miss Streak." He pulled down the ladder from the ceiling and climbed up it before pulling the door open and entering, followed by Spectrum.

"None of our agents have ever been allowed inside before," stated Boss. "Anyway..." He picked up a remote, clicked a button, and a huge screen came down. He clicked another button and the screen turned on. It appeared to show some kind of sleigh used by foals in the snow, except this one was jet-powered and moving through the sky. A fatty tubby stout stallion was piloting it.

"He goes by the name Father Hellfire Swarming. This stallion," said the boss, "is a terrorist. He drops what are disguised as innocent presents down chimneys... and every home he's done that to has been obliterated in a horrifying explosion."

He looked gravely at Spectrum. "Spectrum, you're our best agent in the history of ever. I can trust you, right?"

Spectrum looked super-serious. "Boss, you have my word."

"Excellent," said the boss. "I have a partner for you on this mission." Out of the shadows stepped none other than... (insert drumroll) Daring Do!!

"Daring Do!" said Spectrum. "How are ya? You're awesome! I follow your Fetlockbook account!"

"I dealt with every single bad guy in the country, so I can take a break from adventuring," explained Daring.

"Don't fail us!" said the boss.

"We sure won't," said Spectrum. "C'mon, Daring. It's time to go..." She put on her boss shades. "...deliver justice."

Spectrum and Daring were flying in place at the level above the ground which FHS was estimated to fly at.

"See him yet?" asked Spectrum.

Just then, they heard a sound in the distance... it was the sound of rockets. They swiveled their heads around and saw none other than the sleigh headed right for them.

They flew out of its path. "On the count of three," said Spectrum. "One..."

The sleigh was at breakneck speed, and was nearly there.

"THREE!" Spectrum and Daring grabbed onto the side of the sleigh.

While they were on their journey, Daring's face started to wobble out of place with her skull. You know, because of how fast the sleigh was. The sound was blood-curdling.

"We're nearly there," Spectrum told her. Her face was fine because of all the implants she had had to have over the years after violent confrontations.

She looked out into the distance. "It's beginning to look a lot like Father Hellfire Swarming's lair."

The sleigh began to slow down as it approached the entrance - an alloy door comparable to what one would find at the EBI's base. FHS headed over and scanned some kind of card, causing the door to slide open, granting him access.

"Shoot! How're we gonna get in?" asked Daring.

"Maybe there's a fire exit round the back," suggested Spectrum.

She and Daring flew over the building and sure enough, there was a fire exit!

"Wow! Spectrum, you're a genius!" exclaimed Daring.

"Aren't I?" replied Spectrum.

And the two mares headed inside. Their mission had only just begun.

Inside, there were robots with green hats like elves stereotypically wore. Spectrum and Daring traveled alongside a conveyor belt. At the start, there were seemingly random metal parts. As the belt went further, robots assembled these parts together, then housed them in shells with the creepy grinning face of Father Hellfire Swarming on them. These were then put into colorful boxes, which had ribbons applied afterwards.

"This guy are sick," commented Daring, at which Spectrum had to nod.

Just then, a robot appeared right in front of them. "HALT! WHAT IS YOUR CLEARANCE? YOU SEEM UNFAMILIAR."

The robot then noticed something Spectrum had. "AN EBI BADGE! THESE PONIES ARE SPIES!"

"That stands for... Explosive Bombs," lied Spectrum.

"WHAT ABOUT THE 'I'?" questioned the robot.

"That's supposed to be an exclamation mark," Spectrum added.

"FAIR ENOUGH," said the robot, and went away.

"That was a close one. But it was okay thanks to your cunningness," said Daring.

"I know, right?" agreed Spectrum.

She headed over to the end of the conveyor belt, and Daring followed. Spectrum plucked a finished 'present'. "I need to inspect this," she announced.

The robots agreed with that. "VERY WELL. YOU ARE, AFTER ALL, AWESOME."

Spectrum smirked and turned back to Daring. "C'mon, partner."

After a long journey, they had reached what was the door to Father HS' main office. Spectrum knocked on the door, and then heard footsteps from behind it before it opened to reveal the same stallion who had been riding in the sleigh.

"Hi!" said Daring. "We're here to deliver a present! Merry Hearth's Warming!" She held up the present.

Father HS took it and inspected it.

"Now!" whispered Spectrum sharply, and grabbed Daring and headed towards the glass wall with the emergency exit door.

But then it all slammed shut, metal barriers appearing in front of them, separating them from the glass door.

Father HS chuckled devilishly. "You really thought you could fool me?!" He pulled a lever, and a metal door opened to reveal a huge, hulking metal suit of some kind. He hopped onto the ladder and climbed up, getting into the operator's seat.

"Where shall you run now, puny ponies?" he taunted, and laughed maniacally before he pushed a button and sent a laser beam right at them. Spectrum pushed Daring out of the way.

"Don't worry. I got it," said the EBI agent. She pulled out her trusty 9 million billion volt taser and fired a shock at the robot suit, causing it to short circuit immediately before collapsing to the ground with an almighty THUD. Father HS couldn't open the glass dome shield to get out.

"Now then," said Spectrum. "Eye for an eye and explosive device for an explosive device. Daring... let it blow."

Daring nodded and grabbed the present and chucked it right at the robot suit before instantly turning around and flying away, with Spectrum doing the same.

KA-BUCKING-BOOM

The base exploded, and Spectrum and Daring had gotten out in the nick of time. Well, almost; Spectrum had a singed tail. Which served to make her even more awesome.

"This truly is the most wonderful time of the year!" cried Daring.

When Spectrum and Daring got back, there was a huge ceremony for them to celebrate their victory. Spectrum drank about eight gallons of cider and the book Daring wrote out of the adventure sold 12 billion copies. And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Hearth's Warming.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Did It Make The Cut?

Rainbow smirked, satisfied with her work. She had picked a good time as well - tomorrow was the day Manehattan Telecommunications Tower ran its tour of the facilities. Her plan was simple, really - give her expertly-crafted piece of literature to the CEO, and he'd be sure to have it dubbed and broadcast. Dare she say her story was up there with the works of John Saddleback and J. R. R. Coltien? Yes she would.

She yawned, and flopped onto her bed. Tomorrow was to be a big day.

"Blah blah blah and this is where blah blah blah signal intercepts blah blah blah..."

Rainbow Dash was not paying attention in the slightest to the tour guide's words. She was just here to hand her paper to the CEO, a stout, well-dressed stallion, currently standing next to the tour guide, and see what he thought of it. If all went according to plan, he would say her work was the best thing the station had received and subsequently have it put on the air. Only time would tell.

"And that, fillies and gentlecolts, is the end of our tour. If you have any ques-"

"Pick me! I have a question!" yelled Rainbow, her hoof shooting up in the air. Without waiting for an answer, she ran over to the CEO and showed her papers to him. "Check this out! I can turn you into a bajillionaire, buddy!"

The CEO, Chief Assets raised an eyebrow and took the papers. He stood there and read them through.

A few minutes later...

"Miss Bash," Assets said with an exasperated expression.

"Dash."

"Miss Dash," Assets corrected himself. "I apologize, but we simply cannot broadcast this."

"Whaaat?! Why?" protested Rainbow.

"Because it is a poorly-constructed story that lacks any of the spirit which ponies want to see at this time of year. Furthermore, you just handed this to me with no preparation expecting it to be broadcast immediately. Have you any idea how long the process takes to get a radio show up and running?"

Rainbow smiled innocently. "A few days?" She squee'd nervously.

Assets shook his head and gave the papers back. "Everypony, Miss Teller will lead you to the exit."

"PLEASE! I love your radio channel!" said Rainbow desperately. "It has really awesome shows! The one with the detective who leads a double life as a sailor was the best idea yet!"

"Sorry miss, my decision is final," affirmed Assets.

"Oh yeah?! Fine! Whatever! I hate your station!" shouted Rainbow. "I'll tell everypony never to tune in! Your channel blows! I mean, a detective who leads a double life as a sailor? What in Tartarus ARE you thinking?!"

Rainbow Dash was still there on yet another mindless angry rant for fifteen minutes after all the other ponies on the tour had left. She would have been there for a very long time were it not for two security guards dragging her downstairs and outside, promptly tossing her onto the ground and slamming the doors shut.

"...and MERRY BUCKING HEARTH'S WARMING!" Rainbow breathed in and out heavily, having finished her rambling.

She groaned dejectedly, and started to take her leave. "This city really is big and cold," she muttered.

After a bit of walking, she noticed a very large pine tree in an open area of the city, decorated with all kinds of festive holiday essentials. Tinsel, and baubles, and even a heavenly angel pony perched at the top.

A mare and a stallion were with a colt and filly, listening intently. "Now, Bigpip, Sully, this is the place we walked through on our way home all those years back... it really was special."

"Want to hear all about this particular type of tree?" asked the mare. "And how it was chosen as the symbol we know today? Here's the story..."

Rainbow smirked and walked over to them, holding up her papers. "Want me to be in charge of that?"