Human Rituals

Chapters

The Star-Spangled Banner
Mistletoe
Tips
Bowing
Ghost in the Machine
Tattoos
Where is Thumbkin?
Scooter
Here Comes a Thought
Harry Potter
Metamorphosis?

The Star-Spangled Banner

Human Rituals
The Star-Spangled Banner
(3 Months Since Arrival)

“Thanks for coming,” I said. “It means a lot.” The orange farm pony stood next to me with a mix of polite uncertainty. We’d picked a nice open spot in the apple orchard. The moon hung lazily in the sky and I planted the stabilizer stalk in the earth.

“It ain’t no problem sugarcube. So uh… what’re we doin’ out here, huhm?” Applejack hadn’t spent much time with me alone, much less in the dead of night. But it was summer and the nights were short, so we did have to wait until rather late at night.

Brushing my bangs out of my eyes, I unfolded my little paper. Checking the night sky for a moment to make sure there were no passing pegasi, I smiled. Clearing my throat a little, I paused and looked over at Applejack. “Have you got my…?”

“Right here,” she said, fishing a tiny three by five inch flag out of her saddlebags. Stick in her teeth, she gave it a little wave and I smiled.

“The Fourth of July was always a big deal at my house,” I told her. Applejack’s calendar had neither a July nor a holiday on the fourth of it, but after some long conversations with Twilight I’d made some rough guestimate of the proper day.

The purple mare had exploded with curiosity, wanting to know if it was the date of another one of my ‘human rituals’. Like she’d never heard the word 'holiday' before. But then again after comparing Valentine’s Day to Hearts and Hooves Day, and Christmas to Hearthswarming, I’m sure ponies had rough equivalents of a few other things. But five years was a long time for a reality-ripping mana crystal to charge and send me home to another universe, so I could certainly hold my own traditions while I was a guest among these strange magical horses.

“What’s it about?” Applejack wanted to know.

“There was a naval battle,” I told her, slowly sitting down. She did the same. The hilltop was nice, and it overlooked much of Sweet Apple Acres.

“A battle?” She said. “Are you a war hero or somethin’?”

“Oh no no, it was… about two hundred years ago,” I paused to do some mental math. “Somebody penned a poem in the middle of a war, sitting on a ship that was bombing one of his own people’s forts. But despite the bombardment the fort stood, and the flag of his country stayed over it. Or… somethin’ like that,” I told her.

“Sounds mighty violent,” Applejack set the flag in her hoof and put it next to my stabilizer stalk. Opening the rucksack Rarity had given me, I gently strung the bottle rocket to it. Pinkie Pie had gotten it for me out of her ‘more dangerous party supplies’ shed. Ponies didn’t have fireworks often, but even the strange pink mare knew they had to be kept dry and safe from smaller hands. Er, hooves.

“It was,” I nodded.

“And you celebrate this every year?” Applejack wanted to know.

“Yep,” I said.

“By shootin’ off more explosives?”

“Well when you put it like that,” I grumbled at her.

Applejack’s muzzle rumpled, “Er, I guess everypony’s got their own odd traditions. S-so what’re we doin’, huh?” She backpedaled a little.

“Well normally I’d host a barbecue, have friends over, hang flags everywhere and all that good stuff. For patriotism?” I nodded at her, smoothing out my paper.

“Yeah?”

“But this isn’t my country, so it’d be kind of rude to hang flags from my home all over your home,” I smiled a little awkwardly. Applejack returned the expression, nodding her understanding. “So here I am with one little flag, and one bottle rocket. Guess I’ll have to skip the burgers and such since all you ponies don’t eat meat.”

“Spike eats meat, you could’a had him over,” Applejack interjected.

“Maybe, but I trust you to be more mature about it than him,” I said without looking at her.

“Oh,” Applejack took off her hat for a moment. “Them’s mighty kind words of you, sugarcube.”

I gave a loud sigh, not wanting to drag it out all night. “Anyhoo, Here we go.” I stood at the hilltop looking up at the moon, then turned a bit. With only Applejack there to hear me, it wasn’t too embarrassing to sing the Star-Spangled Banner. But it meant something to me to at least have a witness. “Match?” I asked softly.

Applejack gave me the pony-sized matchbox. I struck one and lit the bottle rocket. We quickly stepped back and it screeched into the sky. Boom! The red, white and blue sparks fell for a bit, then all went into silence. The orange mare gave me my little flag and I gave it a test-wave. She smiled, sympathy in her eyes. “That it, sugarcube?” she asked kindly.

“That’s it,” I said. “You can go if you want, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t start any fires or anything without anyone around.” I twisted the tiny flag around and around the little six inch pole until it was tight.

To my surprise Applejack sat next to me and put an arm around my shoulder. “Rarity make that for you?” she asked after a time.

I nodded. “I cleaned out her gutters. Didn’t even need a ladder. Your homes are so small compared to me,” I snickered. I sighed a little though, homesick. “Not that I don’t appreciate your company.”

“Ya’ll’re always welcome,” Applejack said. “And if all hyoo-muns are as nice as you,” her accent struggled with the word as Twilight’s universal translation band on my wrist shifted and warmed. “Then I can see why you wanna uphold your traditions while you’re here with us ponies.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she agreed with a genuine smile.

“Thanks Applejack,” I smiled and scrubbed at her mane. Her muzzle rumpled and I quickly let go with an awkward grin. “Sorry, still fighting that habit.”

“S’okay. I reckon I got my own dose of culture for the night, bein’ a part of a hyoo-man patriotism ritual,” She coughed once and put her hat back on. “Anyhoo, I better put up for the night. Can ya find yer way home with this?” she gestured to our unlit lantern.

“Yes,” I nodded. Twilight, living in a castle, had the highest roof and was the only one with a dwelling big enough for my ‘awesome height’, according to her. Even Fluttershy had yielded after this reasoning, though she’d wanted such an ‘exotic creature’ to stay with her. “Goodnight,” I waved a little.

“G’night!”

I made my way home, giant among the little houses that I was. With the average stallion standing about three feet tall, I towered over most of the structures. It made money easy to make, doing gutters and other simple roof stuff, but I had to sit on my legs most of the time so I wasn’t as intimidating. One thing I’d learned pretty quickly; ponies could panic, and when they panicked in groups they stampeded.

Arriving at Castle Friendship I took off my shoes and set them next to the door. Then I waited. Five, maybe ten minutes later, Twilight ‘arrived’ home. “If you wanted to come,” she jump-startled at my voice. “You could’a just asked.”

“Yeep!” she scampered to one side like a startled cat, back arched and wings up. “I-I just didn’t want to interrupt your ritual! You asked Applejack to come, not me! I-I just wanted to observe! I hope you’re not mad!”

“I’m not mad,” I passed my hand over the top of her head as I walked past her. “Maybe you can come to the next one. Goodnight, Twilight.” I offered a tired smile, casually leaving my written paper on a bench. She’d no doubt snatch it when I was gone. A sample of human writing could be paramount to her 'other-dimensional sentient species reports'. She was adorable like that.

“Goodnight, Neig-g-g-gh!” she said. For some reason my name didn’t translate in Twilight’s magic bracelet. We never could figure out why. To me it sounded like a horse noise when they said it. When I said it, they said it sounded like nonsense too. Ah well, can’t have it all, even in a world of magic and talking ponies.

I retired, putting my translator band from my wrist to its little charging crystal next to my bed. Twilight had whipped it up in less than three days, it was very impressive. Minding the chandelier despite the high ceiling, I stretched out for sleep. Unfurling the little flag, I waved it a bit before just leaving it on my desk. It was a work of art, thanks to Rarity. I would keep it forever, I promised.

Mistletoe

Human Rituals
Mistletoe
(8 Months Since Arrival)

“You’re sure this is all you need, Neig-g-g-gh?” Twilight’s translation bracelet still refused my name, but Rarity’s kind tone was all I needed. Between us on the counter were maybe a dozen white beads, a thin spool of green thread, and some fake topiary leaves. “I couldn’t charge you more than three bits for such a tiny request.”

“Thank you, Rarity,” I smiled and took said amount out of my rucksack. “Still want me to shovel the sidewalk to the shop this weekend when it snows?” I asked while she put my selections in a little box and put twine around it to hold it shut.

“Oh yes, of course,” she smiled. “It’s kind of you, mister hyoo-man,” she gave a toss of her mane as Twilight’s translator tried to make the words sound right to my ears. I almost reached to pat her nose, but I resisted. After the third time of reaching and petting Rarity like a dog, she’d taken to swatting me with her rather strong hooves. Who knew a seamstress could make your hands sting like that? She’d apologized for any marks afterward, of course, and there were no hard feelings, but the mare could certainly leave a bruise! “If I may ask,” she said, cocking her head and giving me a little smile. “What are they for? One can’t do much with a dozen beads and some string. Making a bracelet for a special somepony?” she fluttered her eyelashes.

“No,” I stuck my tongue out a little. “Your kind’s cute, Rarity, but they’re not THAT cute.” I frowned at her crossly until she gave an apologetic smile. “But, I guess I can let you in on this, if you’ll keep mum about it.” I smiled.

“Mother?” It was lost in translation, and she tilted her head a bit.

“Er, quiet. Not tell anyone.”

“Oh yes, of course,” she leaned in conspiratorially, like she was about to be told some sort of atomic secret. I put the box in my rucksack and pulled on my mittens.

“I’m making mistletoe for Twilight’s winter party at the castle,” I grinned.

Rarity’s smile didn’t falter bit her eyes did blink twice in confusion. “Ah… huh,” she said, trying to stay agreeable.

“Oh right, no mistletoe here,” I rolled my eyes. “Twilight will be thrilled to learn another human cultural thing.”

“Do tell?” Rarity asked, tilting her head.

“Well, mistletoe is something you hang in a doorway, an archway, something like that, during the holiday season.”

“Like Hearths Warming?”

“Yes, that’s right,” I was buttoning my jacket as I spoke. “The point is to catch someone you like under it and kiss them.”

“Oh?” Her face lit up. “How romantic! What is the significance to hyoo-mans?” she smiled wider and wider at the idea of such a thing.

“Er… getting a kiss, I guess.” I shrugged. “It’s supposed to have roots in old druidic stuff, things we’ve long forgotten about. But it’s the thought that counts.”

“And the kiss too?” Rarity chuckled.

“And the kiss too,” I agreed.

“What if one were to… I don’t know, wear it on one’s tail?” Rarity said with a sideways glance.

“Some men do that to say they want oral sex,” I said with a devilish smirk, remembering the haughty underwear I’d seen in a few magazines. Rarity’s red face was PRICELESS.

“Oh! Oh my! W-well that’s certainly not---” she lost track of herself for a few moments, stammering in embarrassment.

“Breathe, Rarity,” I coached. “I’ve told you this in confidence, remember?”

“We have the Spring Flower Festival every year, since this is an earth pony town,” Rarity smiled a bit, coughing and trying to collect herself. “All the mares wear flowers in their tails. White means you’re looking. Pink means you’re in a relationship. Red means you’re happily married. I just thought, the way you made it sound…” she trailed off. “E-excuse me a moment, Neig-g-g-h!” she trailed off behind her little curtain to the backroom. Maybe to do a breathing exercise, I’m not sure. When she returned she’d regained her composure.

“Well! I’ll see you at Twilight’s Winter Party, then!” I told her. “Bye!” the bell rang and I was off. I wasn’t much good with a sewing needle, but I’d make something happen with the fake leaves, white beads and thread.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

“Huh, Miss-uhl-toe…?” Mr. Cake leaned to read my little sign, then followed the arrow to look up. “’Standing under it with somepony you like and kissing brings good luck.’ Huh!” he smiled at his wife, who looked at me. I nodded encouragingly.

“Well I can certainly indulge in such a nice custom!” The plump mare seized her rather lanky husband and kissed him. He struggled, blushing, and I laughed. A pony who was waiting nearby with a camera snapped a picture. The box spat out the rapidly developing photo, and he stuck it up on the wall with all the others. Hundreds of ponies were attending Castle Friendship, and dozens of couples had all loved the idea of this new ‘kissie weed’ I’d hung above the door to the ballroom.

My little project had turned out nicely. The photographer was even paying me a bit for any couples that came back wanting copies of their own special moment. I turned to watch Twilight, who was anxiously watching other ponies participate in my hyooman ritual of kissing under a plant. I could practically see her sweating to run over and bombard me with questions. But, she was the Princess and the hostess of the party for all of Ponyville.

“Good evening, Neig-g-gh!” Rarity said, dressed in a luxurious red-and-white festival gown.

“Hey Rarity,” I smiled, kneeling down so we were eye to eye.

“How is your mistletoe working out?” she asked, gesturing.

“Ponies seem to like it!” I leaned, cupping a hand to whisper. “I think half of it is just an excuse to kiss in public! The scandal!” Rarity smirked good-naturedly at me, shaking her head. “But I won’t keep you. Enjoy the party, huh? I’m hanging out over here so I don’t make a spectacle of myself among all the little ponies.”

“That’s very kind of you. Some are still a little nervous to see you about town.”

“I’m twice their height and have no magic. I’m a pretty big target if they get upset with me,” I joked, nodding and taking a cherry-flavored drink from a passing waiter.

“Even so, dahling, it’s good to be culturally sensitive now and then,” she leaned and, checking my ‘kissie weed’ above us, pecked my cheek. “Enjoy the party!” she said, turning gracefully and mingling into the crowd. I snickered a little, adjusting the bowtie she’d made for me.

“Hey! Hey, me too!” None other than Spike the dragon had appeared in the archway.

“I am not kissing you, Spike,” I snarked.

“Not you! Rarity!” Spike snorted at me, shoving past to get through the crowd and catch the white mare. “Rarity! Rarity come back! I wanna try the mistletoe!”

“Are you gonna dance with anypony, Sugarcube?” Applejack had appeared a little while later.

“I’m twice your height!” I repeated, laughing.

“You can line dance, then, so you don't squish nopony!” she offered.

“Nah, I’m fine. I’ll probably wish Twilight a Merry Chris--- Hearths Warming, and head to bed soon,” I said. There was a half-awkward silence between us and I looked at the floor, mumbling.

“Y’know,” Applejack tilted her dark dress hat, “If you don’t wanna be all by yerself for Hearths Warming, you can come be my plus one at the Apple family house for the festivities!”

“Really?” I perked up a little. Hearths Warming and Christmas were fairly close in comparison, so it certainly sounded appealing. “Sure, that’d be great!”

“Now, mind Big Mac this time. He’s already kicked ya twice for sneaking up on him,” she said seriously.

“Not my fault he’s half-deaf and can't hear me coming within a forty-foot radius saying his name out loud. The stallion has his head in the clouds.” I stuck my tongue out, remembering the massive bruises and days of visible limping.

Applejack rolled her eyes and smiled. “Alrigh’. Just don’t expect me to be kissin’ nopony under your plant thing up there or I’d be--!” A passing stallion who’d read the sign smooched Applejack on the cheek as he went by, laughing merrily and vanishing into the crowd. Flash went the camera. The mare went as red as a beet. I was rolling.

Tips

Human Rituals
Tips
(10 Months Since Arrival)

Spike and I stood in front of the one ‘foreign’ restaurant in Ponyville. I scratched my head a little at the black and red sign as the last train of the day screamed by. Spike held onto my hair since he was sitting on my right shoulder. I swatted at him a little, then let him slide down my arm as we approached the bouncer.

“Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge,” the lion-bodied bird at the porch said with a snarl. “How tough are ya?!” He leaned at me aggressively, even though I towered over him by several feet.

“I’m a sentient being from another dimension, stay with Princess Sparkle and single-handedly pulled on Celestia’s ears once… and lived to tell the tale.” I snarked, turning to one side like I was a badass or something. The truth was I’d ‘landed’ in front of Celestia, thought I was dead, and eagerly massaged the top of her head with both hands. Being into swords and sorcery books, Dungeons and Dragons and the like, I was sure I was either dreaming or had been hit by a car. The sun princess’ blank stare and quickly wrenching away in shock made her ears turn bright red, for I’d been grasping them when she pulled. The squeal had me surrounded with guards, shouting, and a lot of confusion.

“Alright,” the griffin said, narrowing his eyes and looking down at Spike. “Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge, how tough are ya?” he snapped.

“I… I uhm…” Spike’s claws interlocked and his little frilled ears instantly wilted. “Th-that is,”

“Er-herm,” I interrupted. “Spike doesn’t need an introduction. I’m sure you know dragons like him can swim in lava, break gems with their jaws and breath fire?” I swatted Spike on the back. His jaw clicked and a loud ‘fwik’ sound issued like someone messing with a lighter. The little spark of green flame quickly died as he shot me a dirty look. He hated it when I did that.

“Fair enough,” The bouncer stood aside and we entered.

One might’ve called the Predator’s Lounge a seedy bar or something, but Equestria just didn’t have any concept of it. At least not in innocent little Ponyville. “Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge, how tough are ya?”

“I finished a whole bowl of Luna Stars this morning… without any milk,” said the stallion in line behind us. The bouncer touched his neck with a wince and let him pass. I rolled my eyes and smirked. It was like living in a cartoon sometimes, this place.

Now, obviously I couldn’t sit at a table because of my size, but the heavily painted owner snapped his claws and ordered a big sitting pillow for me instead. (Painting their feathers was the griffon equivalent of tattoos, I think) Spike and I got a sort of party room all to ourselves so I wouldn’t hit my head anywhere. After a quick order of spaghetti and meatballs, we hung out for a while together.

It was no secret I basically needed double or triple the normal portion to be satisfied, so it was always expensive for me to eat out. But Spike and I were buds, so I didn’t mind taking him out for ‘man time’ now and then. “What’s uh… what’s man-time?” Spike wanted to know.

“Y’know, when you leave all the girls behind?”

“Why would you do that?!” Spike gaped.

“Er,” I scratched my head. “Hrm,” I thought for a second. “You know, to tell dirty jokes, talk about who’s got the best butt, drink, all that…?” I trailed off but he wasn’t following. “Would you have a belching contest in front of Rarity?”

“Oh no, never!” Spike said.

“Then you reserve that for man-time,” I said with a laugh.

“Gotcha. All the stuff you wouldn’t do in front of the mares if your life,” he said.

“That’s the ticket,” I said, tilting the soda jug to my lips (size difference, remember). By the time our meal had arrived we were definitely ready for it, and conversation ended for a while. I watched ponies go by in the street through the tinted windows. The Predator’s Lounge was a private sort of place. You could see out, but not in. “Okay, I’ve got this one,” I said, getting my rucksack. “I know I ain’t a cheap date.”

“Hehe!” Spike belched, leaning back and holding his belly. It was a rare thing for him to sit and eat a devoted meal of meat and spices. Fluttershy would provide now and then for his dragon nutrition, but now and then one just needed to indulge.

Counting out four meals worth of bits, I scratched my head again. “Okay, tip. What’s fifteen percent of sixty?” I asked him

Spike frowned, “Uh… nine? Nine-ish?” he tried. It sounded right to me. “How come you’re leaving extra money?”

“For a tip?”

“Advice?” Twilight’s translator band had fritzed again.

“For a gratuity, for good service,” I tried again. Spike stared at me blankly. “Equestria doesn’t have tipping?”

“Well sure if you lean far enough,” Spike said. I facepalmed as my wristband buzzed lightly in negativity.

“No no, I mean like… to give the waiter a little money for a job well done? Speed and accuracy of order?” I said.

“I’ve never seen anypony do that, that’s really nice of you!” Spike said, enthused. “I bet they’d really like that if you just left money on the table to be nice!”

I stopped, hand halfway out of my bit-bag. In some countries, I remembered, tipping was considered an insult. That perhaps paying your staff more would make them better workers, and that they could do better next time. Where I was from, it was expected, since servers were paid so poorly. I hesitated for a time. Equestria had no concept of gratuity at a restaurant at all? “Hrm…” I glanced out of the party room towards the bar. Twilight’s translator band flickered a few times with a dull purple light. The letters and squiggles that made up the Equestrian language rearranged themselves in under three seconds. Must Have Valid ID to Drink. Bathroom for Customers Only. 10% Additional Cost for Parties of 8 or More. “Ah, they do have gratuities here. Might be a griffon thing instead of a pony thing,” I said, feeling a little less guilty now. Spike and I were a party of two, so I could leave a two point five percent tip and have a clear conscious.

Spike stared at me oddly as I considered how many bits that was, then left three golden coins on the table by our empty drink glasses. “You’re weird sometimes, you know that?” he said, smiling. “But I bet they’ll be happy to find money on the table after we’re gone.”

“Call it a habit.” I said, standing and getting my coat. “Outside your family, Spike, there are three people, er ponies, you should always be extra nice to.”

“Oh yeah?” He thanked me for the meal, looking up at my curiously as we got outside again. “Who’s that?”

“Your waiter, your doctor and your bus driver.”

“What’s a bus?”

“Nevermind that,” I chuckled, pulling him up to sit on my shoulder. “Point is, always be extra nice to the folks that touch your food,” I said matter of factly. I let the implication hang in the air.

“Ohh, makes sense,” he said. His tiny body was already going into a little food coma, though. He leaned against my head, claws grasping my hair. By the time we got back to Castle Friendship the poor little guy was asleep. Taking my shoes off and setting them to one side, I ran into Twilight in the main hall. Her little book corner was smeared with papers and other princess-ly things that she worked with all day.

“Hey,” she said softly when she saw Spike sleeping. Using her magic she gently pried him from my head and shoulder, putting him in a blanketed basket next to her big desk. I forgot how small he was, sometimes— it’s hard to gauge Spike’s maturity on his size. “You boys have a good time?” she asked.

“Yeah. Did you like the songs I wrote out for you?” I asked.

“Yes, these are all very nice. Odd, but nice,” Twilight nodded. I noticed the paper on top of the stack with the most markings was ‘I Write Sins Not Tragedies’ by Panic at the Disco. The idea of Twilight reading them aloud for study was frickin' hilarious to me. The purple princess had promised me two bits per complete set of human song lyrics I could write for her. As the ponies were all musical sorts, sometimes breaking into song and dance numbers in the middle of the street, music was a big focus for Twilight’s human studies. So, I’d weighed her down with Garth Brooks, System of a Down, Panic at the Disco and Imagine Dragons. You know, a nice cultural slice of genres. It was definitely profitable for me, and after the local ponies had seen me out in the market, buying things like everypony else, they seemed to relax a bit. I wasn’t just gonna be a mooch on their princess’ dime. Er, bit.

Bowing

Human Rituals
Bowing
(1 Year, 1 Month Since Arrival)

“It’s not like I’m afraid of her or anything,” I said, checking my face in the mirror and ducking my head out of my little bathroom. With formal dress thanks to Rarity, I was slated to meet Princess Luna on one of her visits to Ponyville. Apparently the night time Princess favored this town and visited Twilight often. “It’s just… when I met Celestia the first thing I did was rub her face and ears. It’s going to be awkward!”

“Well,” Twilight smiled carefully. “You’ll just have to make a good first impression with Luna, then, and maybe that’ll balance things out a little.”

“Right. ‘Sorry I grabbed your sister’s face when I first met her. No hard feelings, right?’” I rolled my eyes, checking my cuffs.

“Just make sure your bows are informal, and treat her like you would anypony else,” Twilight smiled. “The Winter Solstice has already passed, so Luna’s taking a few days to tour the surrounding counties that border Canterlot’s immediate vicinity. Ponyville’s her first stop, and she’s already said she wants to meet you.”

“You’ve been writing more of those letters, haven’t you?” I said. “And what the heck is an informal bow?” I stared at her.

“You know,” Twilight paused, sank her head while she bent her front knees, flourished her horn lightly and stood again. I stared at her. “Oh right, two legs,” she mumbled behind a hoof. “How do human’s bow to their Princesses, then?”

“My country doesn’t have a Princess, but my ancestors did,” I said, touching my chin thoughtfully. “But that was hundreds of years ago.”

“Well NOT bowing to a Princess when she enters your presence is considered very rude,” Twilight said. “You live with me so we overlook it, but Luna might be a little less… nice, if you don’t even try,” she coached me to bend at the waist.

“Well there’s three I know of, which does she prefer?” I wanted to know.

“Three human bows?”

“Yah,” I said.

Quill and paper appeared before I could blink at the pop of magic. Twilight smiled wide. That stupid, ‘oh yay learning’ smile I’d come to roll my eyes at many times. I looked down at Spike, who shrugged. I glanced at the clock. The Princess of the Night wasn’t supposed to arrive for another half hour or so.

“Alright, just real quick,” I said. Twilight tippy-tapped her hooves, bouncing up and down. Spike told me he’d come to call it the ‘I have to pee I’m so excited’ dance. Twilight had already devoted a small study room to ‘human studies’ since I was only going to be here for a few years. I say only like five years isn’t a long time. But every little bit helped, I supposed. “There’s three main ones, and it all has to do with what you do with your arms and legs.”

“Okay?” Twilight said. Her viciously scratching quill told me she was drawing torsos of me without the arms and legs on.

“The formal bow,” I bent at the waist with my hands pressed to my hips. “The warrior’s bow,” I made a fist, touched the opposite shoulder, and bent forward slightly. “And the king’s bow,” I sat on my legs and bent all the way forward until my arms were over my head, flat on the ground. Then I hopped up and dusted my Rarity-made dress clothes off. “End of lesson.” I said. Spike gave me a thumbs-up for brevity, but Twilight wasn’t having it.

“Why’d you only bend slightly for the warrior’s bow?” she demanded, wide-eyed.

“Soldiers might be in armor. Armor pinches, and doesn’t allow for lots of bending motions,” I said shortly.

“Why’d you hold your hips for the formal bow?”

“Formality is stiff. So is that style of bending forward. It’s for someone of great authority.”

“Why-!”

“It’s like talking to a nine year-old. Why why why…” I grumbled.

“I AM nine years old!” Twilight said with a loud, horsey snort.

“Oh right, pony years…” I’d long since forgotten that ponies matured to adulthood in a mere three years. I’d long since given up translating calendars, season lengths, and so on. I was only thankful their days were twenty-four hours long. The number of days had given me the five-years-till-going-home bit.

Spike chuckled, but turned quickly on the sound of announcement trumpets. “Sounds like she’s here!” He fell in line next to Twilight and I did the same.

The double-doors opened and a long trio of shadows laid down the carpet. Two guards, and there she was. Twilight had shown me pictures, but the ethereal mane certainly made it feel way more real. “Greetings, your majesty,” I bowed from the waist. Hooves reached and, “OWWCH!” I shrieked. “My ears!” The were red with pain, I could feel my pulse in them.

“Greetings, hyoo-man Neig-g-gh!” Luna said bombastically, leaning forward and presenting the top of her head. Not knowing what else to do, I patted her head. Spike facepalmed. “You do not wish to pull my ears?” she said, looking rather hurt.

“Er…” I stared at her.

“My sister tells me this is how you greeted her when you arrived in our world. Do not hold back, I understand there are cultural differences!” She smiled, showing me the top of her head again. “Tis insensitive to not embrace cultural differences.”

“Erm… okay,” Reaching and putting the pads of my thumbs inside her ears, I rubbed a few times and gave a light tug or two. Twilight facehoof’d as well. But you’ll notice not a one of us argued.

=-=-=-=

Luna was a pleasant enough pony to be around, and thankfully wasn’t there to see me exclusively. Spike and I hung out in my room for a while, enjoying the falling snow outside “That could’ve gone worse,” I said with a slight smirk.

“Prolly so, yeah,” Spike grinned. “I’m just glad you don’t do that all the time. Your ears were super-red!” I rolled my eyes and moved my game piece after the roll of the dice. I had to wait, turning over the card and letting Twilight’s translator band rearrange the letters for me: ‘Your Weather Team is Late By a Day, Go Back 3 Spaces to Make Up The Shifts!’

“What’s the point of this game again…?” I asked, looking at all the complicated shapes and pieces.

“To start five weather factories before I start five farms. C’mon, everypony’s played Settlers of Equestria!” Spike said, giving me the rulebook.

“Maybe I should’a played as the unicorns…” I flipped a few of the pages.

“And start five observatories? Meh!” Spike said.

The door to my room came open, and Twilight and Luna stood there. Both of us stood and I gave my best to bow without putting my ears in Luna’s reach. “It was nice to meet you, your highness,” I said as politely as I could.

“And you as well, Neigh-h-h. Thank you for allowing Twilight and I time to visit and ‘see the sights’, as it were,” The dark alicorn smiled genuinely. “Perhaps you’ll be seeing me in your dreams, soon.”

“Er…” I stared at her. “Th-thanks, but no thanks.” I said as politely as I could. “I have a fiancé back home.” I unfolded my wallet to show her the picture. “Her name is Briana,” Luna looked at the picture, then at me, then blinked a few times. Twilight’s bracelet grumbled, unable to translate a name with no context lexicon. There was a long silence. The princess stared at me confused, and I stared back, flattered but not biting. Was she not used to being turned down?

Twilight leaned and stage-whispered, “Princess Luna guards ponies dreams! Protects others from nightmares!”

“Be… cause of course she does!” I said, quickly putting the picture away and feeling like an ass. “That’s what you meant!” Wonderful, a pony princess that could see inside my head while I was sleeping. That wasn’t a terrifying idea or anything. A man’s head is his last sanctuary, after all.

“I did not mean to send the wrong message,” Luna chuckled, having the decency to blush a little. “Yours is a strange kind, hyoo-man!” She laughed behind a hoof. Spike looked up at me sympathetically, trying not to smile. “I look forward to reading Twilight’s reports when they’re done.”

=-=-=-=

“She was shorter than I thought she’d be,” was the only thing I could think to say when Luna was gone.

“She’s the younger sister,” Spike said helpfully.

“By how much?” I heard myself ask.

“Dunno.” The dragon shrugged. I put him on my shoulder so he wouldn’t have to walk through the snow that was chest-high for him.

“Your world is weird, Spike,” I finally decided.

“Yep,” he sighed.

Ghost in the Machine

Human Rituals
Ghost in the Machine
(1 Year, 2 Months Since Arrival)

“Neig-g-g-gh! You’re missing a great party!” Pinkie Pie burst into my room like the rubberized super ball that she was. “New Year’s only comes once a year you know!” she said, stretching a party-hat band under my chin and shoving a kazoo in my mouth.

“N-not right now, Pinkie,” I husked softly, sitting hunched on my bed.

“You sure?!” she gasped. I rarely turned down Pinkie’s special occasion parties. “Hey, wassamatter?” she sat on her haunches next to me, throwing a comforting arm about my shoulders. “Your eyes are all puffy and stuff!”

“They are not!” I huffed, but a fresh tear went down my right cheek and a cursed. Twilight’s translator bracelet grunted, but didn’t translate that bit.

“You can tell Auntie Pinkie,” she said, sidling closer. “I hate it when my friends are super sad like this. Tell me?” Sighing and having no one else to spill my guts to, I showed her my cell phone. I’d only turned it on a few times since I’d arrived. I’d not shown it to Twilight, for fear she’d try to take it apart. When my MP3 player had died, she tried to re-juice it with magic and it had burned up in an instant. “What’s this?” Pinkie turned it over and over. It was an old cell phone, the sort that only made calls and got texts. No emoji’s or internet or anything like that, just a regular phone. Call me old fashioned.

“It’s a cell phone,” I said. Twilight’s bracelet buzzed, having no context of translation. I sighed and looked at the ceiling, trying to think of another way to say it through my tears. “It’s a… speaking stone. I used to it talk to folks that were far away from me. No matter how far. But it hasn’t worked since I got here.” Pinkie gave it back. Somehow through her hoof she could tell it wasn’t very well held-together. I’d worked in printing press factories, dropped it on the pavement… it was old and beat-up. The battery clip panel was brand new since I’d shattered the old one. “The power is dying.” (Don't ask me how it lasted so long, I honestly could not tell you. I had one of those old 'brick' cells that lasted forever in the battery area...)

“You don’t seem like the sort to cry over a speaking stone not working anymore,” Pinkie said a little delicately, offering a cautious but still wide smile.

“You… wanna hear something from it?” I asked.

“Sure!”

Moving slowly, I un-clipped Twilight’s translation band. Lifting her hoof gingerly, I put it about her ankle. She looked at me questioningly. I pressed buttons as fast as I could. The LOW BATTERY warning was still flashing red. Not long now. This was probably my last chance for this anyway. After a time, I lifted it to her ear and leaned so I could hear too:

“Hi honey! I’m gonna be a little late tonight! This snow is just awful! Traffic’s locked up. Get dinner ready for me? I’m starving, hahaha! Be safe out there today, I love--!”

The phone died just then. We sat there in silence. I flipped it closed and slowly leaned to set it on my bedside table. It was just a piece of plastic and metal now. I sank down, my head in my hands. Pinkie stroked my back a few times, carefully leaving my translator band. “Was that your very special some-hyoo-man?” she asked softly. Her mane slowly sagged down about her shoulders, an amazing ability I’d only seen a few times.

“My fiancé, yes,” I nodded. “She probably thinks I’m dead or run away from her or something by now, it’s been almost a year. And even if and when I go back, she’ll never believe I was lost in another dimension full of magic talking ponies before coming back to her. Not for one second.”

Pinkie scratched her head, not used to such seriousness. Perhaps I’d shown the wrong pony my Briana’s final message. Maybe Rarity would’ve appreciated it more. I just wanted ONE of them to hear it, sort of, down deep in my heart. So they’d know she was real, that what we had was real and I had something to look forward to when I finally went home someday. “I’ve never had a very special somepony, but…” she trailed off for a time. “You seem like a nice hyoo-man. If it were me, and I thought there was some chance you’d come home, I’d definitely wait.” She smiled, patting the top of my head like a puppy. (So that’s what that was like…) I smiled, drying my snot on my sleeve. “If you don’t wanna be social tonight, I’ll save you some cake, okie?”

“Thanks, Pinkie,” I nodded, smiling. “I didn’t mean to drag you down with the ghost in the machine.”

“What’s that?” Pinkie asked gently as she made for the door.

“It’s uh,” I paused to sniff, then picked up the wallet-sized picture by my bedside. “It’s a human thing… a recording. You know, of someone who’s gone. Someone you can’t reach,” I paused to blow my nose. “That’s prolly not even the right phrase. ‘Ghost in the machine’ usually means it’s a recording of someone that’s dead. But you get what I mean. Th-thanks for listening,” I dismissed her as politely as I could so she wouldn’t see me blubber.

Pinkie gave me an odd smile and slid away to rejoin the others at the New Year’s party. I thankfully wasn’t disturbed for the rest of the night. Four or five years is a long time to wait and not even hear a loved one’s voice.

=-=-=-=

“Hi honey! I’m gonna be a little late tonight!” Spike’s ear fins perked and I dropped my breakfast plate. It shattered into a thousand pieces as my heart skipped a beat. “This snow and ice is just awful! Traffic’s locked up.” I stampeded past Spike and out into the hallway. Where was it coming from?! “Get dinner ready for me? I’m starving, hahaha!” My Briana’s laughter rang through Castle Friendship and drew me to Twilight’s Human Studies room. I flung the doors open with a crash, sending an avalanche of papers flying all over the room. “Be safe out there today, I love--!”

Pinkie and Twilight stood in the room, Pinkie hooked to one of Twilight’s machines. She was wearing a silvery helmet covered with colored lights and wires, all connected to a rather normal looking phonograph. The record spun, silent now. They stared at me. I stared back. I could hear Spike scampering up the hallway, complaining about my long legs and his stubby ones.

“Wh-what did you do?” I asked softly. “Pinkie I showed you that in confidence! How could you?! That wasn’t for Twilight to study!”

“No its not,” Twilight said softly, lifting the phonograph need back to its starting position. “Pinkie said your uhm… speaking stone?” she checked for a moment and the pink mare nodded. “She said your speaking stone went dead forever and that there was a message from your fiancé on it. So I pulled it out of her memory of listening to it and put it on this record for you.” She set the needle down again.

“Hi honey! I’m gonna be a little late tonight! This snow is just awful! Traffic’s locked up. Get dinner ready for me? I’m starving, hahaha! Be safe out there today, I love--!”

I slowly fell to my knees, a great rush of sobbing bursting out of me before I could stop it. “I-is it right?” Twilight and Pinkie both dashed forward to keep me from hunching over onto my face. “Pinkie only heard it by proximity of your speaking stone and the translator band, we only hear gibberish right now.” I nodded pathetically, taking off my band and putting it rudely over Twilight’s horn. I buried my face in Pinkie’s chest while Twilight replayed the message again. Her face softened at the simple, everyday message one would get from one’s intended. She put the band back over my limp wrist. “She sounds like a nice mare, Neig-g-gh,”

“But… but how?” I whispered, pulling the dead brick out of my pocket I’d only put there out of habit. (Twilight’s eyes raced back and forth across it.) “I’ve had this the whole time.”

Twilight smiled proudly about herself, puffing up like a big smart peacock. “Well first I localized the memories in Pinkie’s mind for the past twenty-four hours, locking into her habitual auditory synapses and withdrawing that imprint from her short-term memory I made a binary sound track for the--” Pinkie put a hoof in her mouth.

“It’s magic, Neig-g-g-h,” the pink mare said softly.

“O-of f-fucking course it is,” I mumbled into her shoulder as I squeezed her tight. Twilight’s bracelet buzzed at my swearing, but the two mares could guess at that one. I played the message again after Twilight had shown me how the record player worked.

Spike reached the room at last and I put the band on him so he could hear it too. “She sounds nice!” he smiled when I got the band back.

“She is,” I smiled. “I don’t know what to say,” I sank back down to my knees to hug Pinkie and Twilight in my arms.

“Say thanks!” Pinkie piped.

“Thank you. Both of you,” I said, squeezing them both again.

When at last I had gathered my dignity and huffed out a cleansing breath, the record was put in a protective sleeve and Twilight promised me my own record player for my room. Then she stared at me. I smiled, rolling my eyes and handing over my cell phone. Twilight squee’d in delight, flipping it open and playing with all the buttons. It was dead, but thirty seconds hadn’t passed before she’d started taking it apart and squeeing over it even more.

I spent New Year's day with Pinkie Pie. She's very good at cheering folks up.

Tattoos

Human Rituals
Tattoos
(1 Year, 6 Months Since Arrival)

I mumbled through my morning routine as I usually did. I was more than a twinge nervous, to be honest. Twilight’s “human studies” had wandered towards the physical lately, and my lack of artistry skills had led her to the conclusion that I needed to be medically examined for a physiology section. As in, naked. After securing a good number of bits (“but it’s for science!”) and a big number of favors in return, I’d agreed to be cross-examined by twilight and a local medical pony. For science.

It had been an interesting holiday season, and finally I was able to leave my windows open now that spring had arrived. Watching the ponies stampede about during ‘Winter Wrap Up’ had been an experience all its own. Who knew an entire town could be pulled in for a singular project like that? Work and school halted, mail didn’t come, everyone just ran about getting rid of snow, escorting birds and the like… It reminded me of home, when all the school kids went home for a week to harvest tobacco with their families... A-anyway, I’m getting distracted. It was spring again, okay?

A firm knock told me it was time. I opened the door to my private room and found a scarlet stallion waiting for me. “Ah, hey Big Macintosh.” I smiled a bit bashfully. He gave a slow, solemn nod. Truth be told, I wasn’t really thrilled on the idea of being poked and prodded by a bunch of mares. So, I’d paid off Big Mac to come and be my witness so I didn’t get molested or anything. This only equated to him being in the same room with a newspaper or something, but it made me feel a heck of a lot better. “Thanks for coming.”

“Eyuup,” he said, disinterested. We didn’t really get along that well, since I’d been kicked several times for ‘sneaking up on him.’ Wasn’t my fault his hearing was bad. I’m sure Applejack had given him one of her ‘most dependable friendship’ sorts of speeches to make him come. There weren’t a lot of stallions I knew in Ponyville by name, and Spike wasn’t really of age to be seeing anything like this, so that only left Big Mac.
“All set, Nei-i-i-gh?” Twilight was waiting, bouncing on her knees just a bit as we approached.

“Yeah,” I nodded. I was herded into a large drawing room that had been set with forms, charts to be filled out and such. A white mare with a healthcare plus sign on her rump stood waiting. She nodded, offering a friendly and practiced smile.

“This is Nurse Redheart, she’ll be helping me today,” Twilight said with an enthusiastic lift of her wings. As she spoke, the snowy white mare pulled on a pair of latex gloves with a snap.

“You’re not going to be probing me, are you?” I said, a little alarmed.

“What?! No!” Twilight said. “Why would I?!”

“Just checking…” I trailed off, shaking my head a bit. Twilight pulled the curtains and shut the door so we wouldn’t be spied on.
She pulled a recorder, clicking it on. “There’s about four hours of tape on this recorder. When the times up, you’re free to go!” she said. “Think of it like an hourglass.”

“Sure," I nodded.

“Ahem-hem!” Twilight stopped to compose herself to speak to the tape recorder. “This is Twilight Sparkle, aspiring scientist and… uhm… Princess of Friendship!” She giggled a little like being a Princess was still a novelty for her. “We are here for a complete physical examination of our friend ‘Nei-i-i-igh, a sapient and sentient creature from another plain of existence!” she did a tippy-tap dance while she spoke. “For his safety, I am joined by a medical professional, Nurse Redheart. Say hullo!”

“Hullo.”

“—And also a local friend of the same gender for personal safety concerns, Big Macintosh. Say hullo!”

“Eyuup.” Big Mac said, sitting behind a study desk with a newspaper already open. He wasn’t really there to watch, it seemed. Better for him to not see too much.

“Alright, let’s begin! Go ahead and disrobe for us, Ne-e-igh?” she asked.

I hesitated for a moment, “Er,” I said. There was a long silence.

“Oh right, ah,” Twilight stopped a moment to encourage me. “I know nudity is taboo where you come from, but you don’t have to worry about it here. There’s no other humans around!”

“Right,” I grumbled at her, thinking of the money and ‘science’ there was to be had. As I got undressed, I piled my clothes neatly to one side on a chair. Big Mac glanced up, but little else as he licked a hoof to turn the page of his paper.

“Hm,” Twilight said, pondering where to begin. Her tape recorder floated next to her. “Subject ‘Ne-i-igh, nicknamed ‘Peaches’ for the color of his skin for this study, stands…” she paused with a tape measure. “Precisely 18 hands tall, weighing…” she waited for me to stand on the scale. “190 units.” Nurse Redheart stood nearby, ready to take a heart rate, blood pressure, take a small blood sample and the like. Twilight spent a long time counting my teeth, pawing at my leg hair, examining my fingers and toes, and quite a bit more. She wanted to compare the bottom of my feet to my palms. She marveled at how thick the skin on my back was compared to that on my face or hands. With my permission she got a small snippet of my hair, a toe-nail clipping, and a swab from my mouth. “Peaches is also—what?!” she stopped while standing behind me. “Your butt!” she said with shock.

“What about it?” I said, turning about.

“You have a cutie mark! You always told me you didn’t!” Twilight said, rushing forward with a primitive camera to photograph it. “How did you hide this from me for over a year?!”

“You mean my tattoo?” Twilight’s translator band on my wrist buzzed. Really? They didn’t have a word for tattoo? They had body paint, Halloween costumes, nose piercings, make-up, but no tattoos? I felt a headache coming on.

“What is that word you just said?” Twilight held up her recorder for me to say it again.

“It’s a tattoo,” buzz, “It’s uh… ink in my skin.” I tried to put it in words the translator band would take.

“Somepony branded you?!” Twilight said, aghast. "No pony has been branded since the tribal wars thousands of years ago. Earth ponies were treated like slaves under the pegasi and unicorns! This is terrible!"

Nurse Redheart leaned, frowning clinically. “This is artwork, Princess, not a brand. He wasn’t a slave or anything.”

I stood there, sagging forward a bit while the two mares examined my backside for science. “How can you tell?” Twilight whispered rather loudly.

“The red here is layered into several tints. If he was a slave it would be a simple burn or symbol. Something that could be mass-produced quickly and easily. Numbers, or a company logo,” Nurse Redheart said.

“Did somepony own you?!” Twilight scampered around me to know. “What does it mean?!”

“It’s body art,” I said slowly. “I paid for it myself.”

“What do these runes mean?” Twilight asked. Her ‘humish’ was still broken and scattered, so she couldn’t string anything together without the translation band being recalibrated for her eyes.

“I... I love Mom,” I said lamely. Twilight stared at me. Nurse Redheart lifted a hoof to snicker as quietly as she could.

“Heh,” Big Mac said softly without looking up from his paper.

“College was an interesting time,” I defended. “It’s a… standard human tattoo.”

“Humans let themselves get branded with ink in their skins to say they love their mothers?” Twilight said, puzzled. “Didn’t it hurt?”

“I… don’t remember,” I said, blushing and looking to one side. I'd never been drunk before, and never again since. “A lot of people get a lot of different tattoos for a lot of different reasons. When my country went to war, my Dad got a tattoo of our nation’s flag on his shoulder to show his support, since he was too old and frail to fight.” I paused a little, "I knew a girl in college that got paw prints on her hips to show she liked doggysty... doggys." I amended that one since I was being recorded.

Twilight drank in the knowledge, touching her hoof to her chin. “Do all humans have these ink arts on them?”

“Oh no, not at all.”

“But there’s all different reasons to have them, and what they look like can be anything?” Twilight said. I nodded. “And it’s voluntary?” I nodded again. She glanced at the clock on the wall. “Ohh, time’s ticking, we’ll have to have a longer conversation about this later!” she went for her camera and some chalk after that. She started photographing me from every angle. My hands and feet were of particular interest. She had me stretch and bend in different ways to see if I could or if it took effort. She traced marker lines on my shoulder-blades to accentuate them. “Nurse Redheart, if you would?”

The white mare gave me a lead plate for my boy bits and took several full body shots of my skeleton with a waiting machine. “I’ll have these developed and sent to you, Princess,” she promised.

It would take me some time to get over the fact that Twilight was going to obsess over a simple tattoo and try to connect it with pony cutie marks. She later explained that ink in the skin wouldn’t suite a pony since they had fur—it would go to waste. She then asked me if I wanted a cutie mark, if I could explain how getting a tattoo worked, and if I wanted another one to represent a cutie mark in pony society. I turned her down pretty flatly. Rarity could just take the back pocket of my pants and put a big symbol on them, if it meant that much to her. But what would my pony-butt-symbol-cutie-mark thing be? I wasn't sure.

Where is Thumbkin?

Human Rituals
Where is Thumbkin?
(1 Year, 10 Months Since Arrival)

I stood politely to one side while the royals exchanged pleasantries. Apparently the ‘Crystal Empire’ royal family was attending this year's 'Flower Festival' here in Ponyville, hosted by Twilight Sparkle. The idea was simple, ponies tended to pair off in the springtime like most animals did, but since they were a ‘civilized race’ they disguised it under a festival of flower exchanging. Rarity had told me about it around Hearthswarming and although they already had an equivilant of Valentine’s Day (“Hearts and Hooves Day”), this reminded me a lot of that. Everypony in town had to have a flower in their tail. White meant you were single and looking, pink meant you were in a relationship, and red meant you were happily married. There were ribbons, secondary flowers and such to tell about ‘preferences’, but I didn’t dig too deeply. Twilight insisted I wear a pink flower in my back pocket to participate in the ‘culture depth of pony society’, and I really couldn’t turn her down.

“You must be Prince Shining Armor,” I did my best to bow respectfully, and again to his wife Princess Cadance. Then my eyes fell on the tiny foal on her back. “Who’s this?!” my voice trilled before I would stop myself. I loved children, ever since I was old enough to know where they came from. Not that I was really responsible enough to have any, but I knew cute when I saw it. And even as far as ponies went, this little booger was adorable.

Cadance chuckled, turning profile so I could meet Princess Flurry Heart. “Hail, tall thing. Happy tidings from the frozen north of endless blizzards and icy, draconic death-fire.” The tiny pony’s voice was squeaky but eloquent. I blinked, staring at her. “I give you my seasonal blessing and oh-my-gosh-what-is-that ohmmm!” My translation band grew hot, twisting and protesting as the baby shoved her own hoof in her mouth and suckled loudly.

“She’s… adorable,” I decided politely, unable to keep from grinning.

“Twilight’s told us all about you in her letters,” Shining armor lifted a hoof. I made a fist for a pony ‘handshake.’ I felt his kinetic hoof magic hold my hand firmly for a moment before dropping it. Twilight beamed and they exchanged pleasantries. “Hold her for me for a minute while we put our flowers on?” the stallion asked. I leaned and picked up the tiny, squirming pony. She looked up at me, fussy and unsure of the new person in her life.

“I AM UNABLE TO SEE BIG MILK THING, THIS UPSETS ME!” Princess Flurry Heart said loudly, flailing a little. I curled my arms about her so she wouldn’t fall. Her wings flapped wildly. “VERY UPSETTING!” she repeated, her feathers flapping in my face back and forth.

“That’s very rude, you should call her Mom, not big milk thing,” I coaxed. A few ponies laughed like I’d made a joke.

“One minute, sweetie,” Princess Cadence said as her husband affixed a red flower to her tail for the festival. They exchanged a kiss before she unwrapped his and did the same. My eyes flicked towards Twilight, who’d not yet chosen a flower color. Everypony was expected to wear one, and I knew she was single. But was she single and looking, as white foretold? Seemed kind of entrapping…

“BIG MILK THING IS GONE FOREVER! A THOUSAND UNHAPPY DAYS AHEAD BEFORE I DIE OF STARVATION AND MISERY!” Princess Flurry Heart was making my translation band groan and pop. A single spark flew off and went out before it hit the ground.

“Uhm… uhm…” I paused while the royals did their best to work quickly. “Ah, ah…” I thrust a thumb up before Princess Flurry Heart’s eyes. “Where is thumbkin, where is thumbkin?” I sang. My little cousin Lindsey had loved that when she was little. “Here I am, here I am!” I waggled it at her. She paused, entranced. “How are you to-day sir? Very good yes thank you,” I tickled up and down her plush belly and she giggled. “Run and play, run and play.”

“What-is-that? What-is-that-there? I want it in my-CRRSHHSHS-ZZZZRT…!” Flurry heart took half my hand into her mouth and the translation band shattered into a million pieces like glass.

“Ne-e-e-e-eigh!” Twilight said, rearing a little at the sound. Cadance quickly took the baby as I stood there clutching my burnt wrist. “Reeee-heh-eh-heh-heh-heh!” Twilight pawed at me, concerned.

“Pb-b-b-b-b-ht,” Shining Armor said as they turned the baby over and over for injuries. Thank goodness there were none. “Reeee-heh-heeee-hehehe-!” he clippity-clopped a bit as he spoke.

I stared blankly, but soon Nurse Redheart came out of the waiting throng with medical bag and salves. They wrapped my wrist. She spoke in equine, soothing as she could, but I could make neither heads nor tails of it all.

*_*_*_*_*

“Okay, it should be working now,” Twilight said, looking up at me. “Are you okay, Ne-e-eigh?” she asked.

“I think so. Thanks for making a spare for me,” I nodded. The burn was soothed under aloe gel and they’d put the new translation band on my other wrist.

“Well these are highly experimental, maybe that one just ran out. I put padding on the inside of this one so that if it does shatter it won’t hurt you next time.” Twilight turned it over and over on my wrist to check the runes. “I guess we’ll call it the Mark II.”

“You better get back to the festival, they’re gonna miss you, Miss Princess of Friendship,” I encouraged. She giggled a little embarrassedly, turning to let me rest for a bit. Sure enough, she’d attached a white flower to her tail for the festivities.

*_*_*_*_*

“Ah heard your band got blowed up, Ne-e-eigh!” Applejack appeared near me at the festival, her mane and tail affixed with a beautiful white flower crown and tail fixtures.

“Yeah, I think maybe the wear and tear got to it,” I said thoughtfully. “At least I got to hear Princess Flurry Heart’s voice.”

“Hehe, yeah,” Applejack nodded. “She’ll be talkin’ before long, then we’ll see what kind’a Princess she’s gonna be, huh?”

“She doesn’t talk yet?” I asked.

“Well no, she’s only a year or so old. They’re still workin’ on ‘mama’ and ‘dada’ ah imagine,” Applejack snickered. “I wanna have youngins myself one day, eh, as you can see,” she gave a flick of her tail to show off the white flowers. I smiled, nodding my approval. “Ah see Twilight got you your own flower, fits nice over your cutie patch.”

“Yeah,” I turned, touching the pink flower and patch that Rarity had affixed to my pants. It was a quill and book. After much thought and remembering that I’d gone to college to be an English teacher, that seemed like the best thing for me. I’d never been able to make it happen, but a college degree was still a college degree so meh. The ponies had lovingly called my new mark a ‘cutie patch’, since it was on my pants and not on me.

“Ah heard a rumor that Ditzy Doo is wearin’ pink, so ah gotta go see fer m’self!” Applejack said behind a hoof. “Ah didn’t know she was dating, so ah gotta go see who the lucky stallion is. See ya later!” she trailed off and away into the crowd of flower-wearing ponies and revelery. All those couples, romance seekers and wedded pairs weren’t lost on me. This was a day of finding and celebrating love. I folded my arms a little.

The pain of missing my fiancé had dulled over time. Though I still held her in my heart, it was no different than missing one’s closest aunt or a relative that lived on the other side of the world, really. You saw them at Christmas and that was it. Perhaps I’d been away for too long. A year and some months was a long time not to hold someone. Twilight’s record was in a drawer in my room, and although I still played it on occasion, I no longer cried over it like I used to. Was I getting over the woman I’d planned to marry? Surely she’d had me declared dead by now. What was the time limit for that? A year? Two? I wasn’t sure. Five years in ponyland would no doubt change me. These were a much simpler, much nicer people than those back home. Perhaps I was acclimating more than I thought.

My gaze wandered over the crowd, seeing who was wearing white and who wasn’t. I had to admit it was a pretty good system. I settled on the school teacher, Cheery-something. With hips like that it was hard to imagine she was wearing white-for-looking. Maybe her career got in the way of her dating life. I sort of understood that.

Stopping for a festival game here, I wowed a few foals with my height and reach. I helped cascade flower petals over a couple as one proposed to the other. I smiled for pictures and wandered the streets of ponyville as the festival went on. They knew their local hyoo-man was just there to have fun like them. They’d grown used to me, thankfully. More than one of them stopped to ask who my very special somepony was, since I was wearing pink. I would pull out my decaying wallet and show them the picture. All of them congratulated me, and the faded picture would be put away again. I shook a lot of hooves, helped hang strings of flowers over archways and businesses. There was a parade, a speech by Princess Cadance (The Princess of LOVE, no less! Hah!), and plenty more to do before the sun was setting.

By the time dark came around I knew it was time to retreat back to Castle Friendship. Ponies were starting to disappear into the night, nuzzle under trees and put children to bed. It was no secret a LOT of babies were gonna be happening tonight. Or at least, practicing to make babies. Foals. Whatever.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Spike and I ended up playing board games well into the night waiting for Twilight, Cadance and Shining Armor to return. We ended up falling asleep though. Morning came, and it was time to say goodbye to the northern royals. When they did, both Princess looked a little… well… bow-legged. Well well well, Twilight managed to get laid? The scandal! I was willing to put bits on Big Mac, but I knew well enough to keep my mouth shut. My benefactor’s sex life was none of my business, and I covered for her when Spike started to ask why she was walking so funny.

“Tall thing! I want to eat your hair!” Flurry Heart said, upsetting my translation band. She flailed her little hooves in my direction. Shining Armor chuckled aloud, hearing only baby talk.

“A-boo-boo-boo to you too!” Twilight wuzzle-nuzzled at Flurry Heart’s belly, making her shriek and giggle. “I know you’ll be spending Hearts and Hooves day in the Crystal Empire. Maybe my friends and I can visit!” Twilight said brightly to Cadance. It was agreed.

“Tall thing! Tall thiiiiiiing!” Princess Flurry Heart stuck her head out the train window with her father’s help. He waggled her hoof for her like she was waving. “Tall thing! Your nose is funny! Hey, hey big milk thing!” she saw her mother and instantly forgot about me. “Don’t leave me! Big milk thing! Pay attention to me!” Shining Armor struggled a little so she couldn’t flap her wings and fly right out of the train car window again. “Damnation and hellfire, a most holy blessing to he who changes my nappy and feeds me! Someone feed meeee!”

“You’re a wordy little thing aren’t you…?” I mumbled, putting my chin in thumb and forefinger. My wristband hissed and started to pop a little, so I went back out of earshot with Spike. I watched the two Princesses hug and exchange farewells before the train departed for the frozen north.

Twilight returned to us, beaming, “What a great visit!” she said enthusiastically.

“What a cool festival!” Spike was still wearing his sunflower circlet, something they gave to foals and little ones. I suddenly remembered my own pink flower and pulled the clip out of my back pocket. I tossed it in the nearest flowerbed so it could decompose and help the other flowers along. "Wanna find lunch?"

"Heck yeah!" I grinned.

Scooter

Human Rituals
Scooter
(2 Years, 1 Month Since Arrival)

I had rather uneventfully passed the two-year mark of my stay in Equestria. Apart from the occasional Castle Friendship tourist screaming in horror at the sight of me, things were going very well. What used to be charity-work and gimmie-jobs had evolved nicely into a sort of local jack-of-all-trades business. Mostly because of my height and hands, but what can you do. Celestia and Twilight had pulled a few strings to give me a small business license, a work visa and a few other things. As far as the bureaucracy was concerned, I was a citizen of their fair nation now. That was a relief, as I no longer got picked on by passing law enforcement or anything of the sort now that I could flash my green card and other such things. Anyway.

I leaned and knocked lightly on the window of Sugar Cube corner. Missus Cake leaned out, beaming up at me. I couldn’t go inside, I was too big, so I had a sort of drive-thru window at the places I frequented. “Good morning Peaches!” she said with a smile. “The usual I expect?” I nodded, pressing bits in at her. She returned with a blueberry muffin and butter for me, a free ice-water to jump-start my metabolism and a pair of napkins. Working physically for a living had made me a little more health conscious, but my body had thanked me over time.

“Thanks Missus Cake,” I waved as I was away.

Three gutter emptyings, two window jobs, one hedge-clipping and kite-from-a-tree rescue later, mid-day was already upon me. I looked up at the sun and the clear blue sky. It was a simple life, it really was. Even then it still amazed me. It made me envious, even though I was a part of it, really. Quiet. Peaceful.

“Hey, Peaches!” A nearby pony stopped me, looking rather anxious. “Do me a favor?”

“Yah?” I said, putting some tools away as I spoke.

“I just had my roof redone, but I’m not so sure it got done right. There’s supposed to be a few vents and things sticking out of it. Count them for me to make sure nothing got covered up? I think I may have hired too cheaply.” The lime green stallion said.

“Sure, let’s see…” I did a couple of circuits around his house. “Looks like eight,” I told him.

“It’s supposed to be ten! I knew it!” He stamped a hoof. “I’mma call those jerks back and get their sorry flanks up there to do it right this time!” He was away without so much as a thank you, but I understood where he was coming from. A stallion’s house was his castle, after all. No use having shoddy work done to it.

A peaceful lunch session later, I was off again for some shopping. I’d been eyeing a lava lamp at a curio store recently, and was gonna get it that day. Shut up. It’s my room, I can decorate it how I want. I asked twilight to dull the walls and such a bit for me anyway, since I often read by lamp light in the winter anyway. A lava lamp would add some personality to my place. I’d started insisting on paying Twilight rent, but I could still decorate how I pleased. There weren’t a lot of options for housing for someone my size. Castle Friendship had those nice, vaulted ceilings that I didn’t have to worry about banging my head on.

By the time I got back home with my prize, I was starting to feel tired. Maybe an afternoon nap. I’d gotten up pretty early anyway. Castle Friendship loomed, and the familiar crystalline doors swung like they weighed nothing. Home sweet home.

“It is not!” I heard Spike shouting in frustration as soon as I got inside and got my shoes off.

“It is too,” Twilight’s response was giggly.

“It is NOT!” Spike harrumphed back.

“It is, yes, sorry,” Twilight snickered behind a hoof as I came in.

“What’re you two up to?” I asked, wrapped lava lamp in its bag under my arm.

“Peaches!” Twilight said, eyes lighting up. “Maybe you can settle this for us.”

“Huhm?” I leaned on the archway a little.

“I’m tired of getting called ‘Spikey’ all the time, it’s embarrassing!” he said.

“It is?”

“I’ve been called that since I was little, I don’t wanna hold my childhood nickname forever!” I stared at the little purple dragon. He’d not visibly aged in all the time I’d known him. Then again no one had so it was hard to tell. “You know what I mean, right? Didn’t you have a nickname when you were a kid that you hated?”

“My parents called me… uhh…” I paused to remember. “Scooter, if I recall.”

“They did? Why?” Spike wanted to know.

“Well, when I first started crawling I tried to go up some concrete stairs. I ended up hitting my face on them,” I snickered a little. “So, from then on, I scooted around on my butt instead of crawling. My Dad called me Scooter, and the name stuck for a long time.” Twilight and Spike shared a chuckle. I was glad the translation band had gotten that through to them.

“Well in the Crystal Empire I’m Spike the Magnificant!” Spike said, throwing out his chest and putting his fists on his hips. “If anypony heard me still being called ‘Spikey-Poo’ or something, they’d make fun!” he said.

“Well, Spike the Magnificant is a bit of a mouthful,” I complained with a smirk.

Twilight smiled a little helplessly. “I keep telling him it’s okay for him to still have a baby nickname. He’s still a baby dragon.”

“How old are you?” I asked him.

“Seven!” he said defiantly.

“Seven,” I said, remembering their odd time calender. “Well that does make you the stallion of the house…” I trailed off, trying to think of something better.

“How old are you?” Spike suddenly wondered wildly.

“Eh, in human years?” I asked. “Thirty.”

“You’re THIRTY?” Twilight said, gasping.

“Not in Pony years. In human years,” I corrected. I was still struggling to figure out their season-to-year-to-calender ratios and junk like that. It was all very confusing considering they could control the weather, their calendar was cylindrical instead of circular and the phases of the moon were entirely at the whims of one of their diarchs. I was only glad their days and nights were roughly the same as mine. Well, ours, considering I lived with them now. They were everybody’s days now.

“Well either way, it’s just Spike now, okay?!” Spike poked Twilight’s nose with a claw, then stomped away. “I’m not a baby anymore, sheesh!” He slammed the door.

There was a short silence while Twilight and I exchanged a look. “What am I gonna do with him?” Twilight sighed, her wings wilting.

“Respect his wishes?” I asked.

“He’s growing up too fast for my tastes,” she admitted.

“Well his lifespan his dozens of times that of ponies,” I reminded her. “He might be a baby dragon, but he’s not a baby pony by any means.”

“He still reads comics and keeps a nightlight,” Twilight said. “He has toys still!” she paused. “What’ve you got there, by the way?”

“N-nothing,” I put my lava lamp behind myself so she wouldn’t see. Not like it was a toy or anything, but still. “Bees-wax, Princess.” I scolded playfully. She stuck her tongue out at me, which I returned until she giggled good-naturedly.

“Oh, by the way,” Twilight paused with a more worried expression. “I know your second anniversary since you arrived came and went. I didn’t say anything, but, I wanted to check on you anyway…” she trailed off a moment. “Just to be sure you were... y'know, okay being here and such.”

“I have a good job, I live with royalty in a giant castle, I’m healthy and can pretty much do what I want!” I smiled, standing up from the archway at last. “I mean, if everything’s on schedule, I’m about forty percent ready to head home. Celestia’s mana crystals are still charging up to send me back, right?”

“Y-yeah,” Twilight offered a small smile. “The mana crystals. I got a letter from the Princess recently, she says things are going well.”

“Well there you go then. I’m well taken care of and everything is going according to plan!” I leaned and scrubbed the top of her head for the first time in a long time. She smiled a bit brighter, but there was a certain tiredness in her eyes. “Well I need to put this away before I drop it, see you later Twilight!” I waved as I turned to go.

“See you later...” she offered in a small voice. Poor thing was overworked, her wings were dragging the ground as I turned the corner and glanced at her. I wish she wouldn’t stay up so late sometimes.

Here Comes a Thought

Human Rituals
Here Comes a Thought
(2 Years, 2 Months Since Arrival)

Hearts and Hooves Day had been a bit awkward the first time around, but two years in it didn’t seem so bad. After the Flower Festival it didn’t seem so bad anyway, haha. Pinks and reds were everywhere, decorating all the social spots in town. Twilight and her friends had gone to the Crystal Empire for the occasion, taking Spike with them. So, I had all of Castle Friendship to myself, really. But, that didn’t mean I had to be a stick in the mud about the entire holiday. Putting my bits pouch on my cord-belt, I decided to go see what sort of exotic candies and foods popped up for this holiday.

Couples. Couples everywhere I looked. Nuzzling under trees, looking into each other’s eyes at café tables, and sharing kisses and candies… I couldn’t help but smile. Ponies were adorable, they really were. None of them would really look at me that way, but I didn’t figure I was missing too much. It was just like Valentine’s Day.

Sugar Cube Corner was certainly bustling, and it certainly took some time for Missus Cake to answer my window knocking this time. She was dressed in scarlet and hearts, like a decorative… well, cake. “Oh hullo Peaches!” she waved as I knelt to see her better. “Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!”

“And you too, Missus Cake,” I smiled. “Or as I call it, Single’s Awareness Day.”

She gave a gay laugh, shaking her head. She gave me a free chocolate-with-red-sprinkles cupcake for being such a frequent customer, and I bought a box of simple dark chocolates for myself. Finding a bench someplace, I sat to pony-watch for a while. The colorful pastel equines milled about in their revelry. One thing the tiny town did love was all of their holidays. Holidays, festivals, harvests… even Nightmare Night was a very big deal around here. I suppose a small place like this out in the middle of nowhere had to have something going on to keep it exciting.

My thoughts wandered for a long time, as lazy clouds rolled overhead shading and un-shading me. For some reason, they kept landing on Applejack. Not sure why really. Her family gave me a lot of work when I needed it or was short on bits. My Father, who was a printing house worker, used to always lecture me about an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. If only he could see me now. Applejack was always very kind and honest with me. And, of course, the thoughts started wandering into the more ‘romantic’ realms. I laughed before I could stop myself, startling a passerby. I smiled apologetically, stuffing another chocolate into my mouth. That would be like making love to a squeaky toy half my size, I thought. Not exactly healthy or ehh… practical, in the long run.

“Take a moment to think of just. Flexibility, love and trust,” I mumbled, staring at my open chocolate box. More than a few ears turned. “Take a moment to think of just. Flexibility, Love and Trust.”

Heads started perking and a drumbeat started somewhere. “Is… is that Peaches?” Somepony gaped, but I was a bit absorbed. “Somepony get a camera, Peaches has a song to sing!” It was no secret ponies could break into song and dance, as their ‘creator’ (or god or something) really liked musical numbers. Music could be ethereal and come from nowhere.

“Here comes a thought that might alarm you, what someone did, and how they loved you,” I stood as a swirl of flower petals flew about me. The chocolates lay forgotten as I was almost carried away in my own song.

“Peaches is experiencing a Harmony Moment!” somepony cried.

Leaves and flower petals swirled all about, vaguely resembling a human shape. A young woman in a sun dress and long, beautiful hair. “And oh, I’m losing sight. I’m losing touch. With all the little things that used to matter so much. And they confuse me. And I might lose me.” She offered her hand, and I hesitated too long to take it before the leaves flew away in a spray of spring color. A blurry pony shape took her place before vanishing.

“Ohhh!” A pony leaned out a window as the music took hold of the townsponies. Little dance formations formed around my waistline and a path was made. It was like a hive mentality of song and dance numbers. Everypony knew their part even if they’d never played it before. Such an odd thing to see.

“Take a moment, remind myself to, take a moment to find myself. Take a moment to ask myself if this is how love falls apart,” A long-forgotten wallet and ancient picture floated from my back pocket to unfurl about me. “But it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not…” I touched the curled, torn picture. I could barely recognize the face anymore. The wallet was pure habit, since I couldn’t keep bits in there. It fell apart before my eyes and the tiny picture was caught in the wind. “It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay,” Another spin of flower petals and wind sent me to an ice cream store window. A mare and stallion sat side by side in a booth, sharing a float. I imagined myself there for a moment, a faceless mare giggling quietly next to me. “I’ve got nothin’, got nothin’, got nothin’, got nothin’ to fear. I’m here, right now! I’m here, right now!” The wind TORE the tiny photo away into oblivion. “And this is just the start!” Ponies applauded, whistling for my short song. Harmony moments, I’d always been told, were from the heart and nature itself would help one express such feelings.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*

The scream of the arriving train sounded when the sun touched the horizon. Twilight and her friends got off as a laughing, chattering herd of stories and jokes and glittery heart stickers being thrown by Pinkie Pie. “Oh hey Peaches!” Rarity waved, making everyone’s head turn.

“Take a moment to think of just, flexibility love and trust…” I mumbled, eyes set on Applejack for a moment. The trees trilled quietly in a phantom breeze. “Uh, A-Applejack, can I talk to you?” I asked.

“Sure thing, Sugarcube. Oof! Help me with this bag, huh? They weighed us down with food on the way out!” She said, heaving a great big cooler filled with who knew what. Twilight and the others watched us go, whispering conspiratorially amongst themselves. Months of working together passed before my eyes. The harvest rushes, the barn painting and odd jobs. That coy smile and shoulder-punching, more than something a big sister might do. It felt right.

Applejack and I dated for about a year. And yes, it was like making love to a squeaky toy. The break-up was mutual, but not too painful as breakups go. But at the end of it all, I realized I’d gone native amongst these cartoon colored ponies.

Harry Potter

Human Rituals
Harry Potter
(3 Years, 5 Months Since Arrival)

Twilight led me happily into one of the large halls of Castle Friendship. It was only ever really used for formal events like Hearth’s Warming, but today it was the host of one of her experiments. And guess who the subject was? I’ll give ya three guesses. Spike followed, smiling sympathetically. “Okay boys, have a look at THIS beauty!” She threw the doors open to reveal a large, standing purple crystal.

“…it’s a rock,” Spike and I said as one.

“It’s not a rock! It’s a magic nullifier!” Twilight said, scolding us both as she danced up to it. It was propped up with a series of metallic claws, resting it’s impossible weight upright with a few measuring computers around it. I felt a tickle of old Dr. Who on the back of my neck. Arranged like that, it looked like the TARDIS console. Hah!

“And what will we be doing with the big rock today?” I teased.

“I wanna measure your magical potential!” Twilight said.

“I can’t do magic, I’ve told you that,” I pointed out. “No human can. Most of my species doesn’t even believe in magic.”

“Yet here you are!” Twilight said gaily, too busy nerding out. Spike exchanged a shrug with me, then went to sit a safe distance away.

“We haven’t established I got grabbed or sent by magic, Twilight. It’s not good science to assume,” I folded my arms at her.

“Just hold this,” she grumped at what a party pooper I was being. She handed me what at first I thought was a toy. It was a thin wooden wand with a candy-colored star ontop. “Magic nullifiers are not easy to come by, I’ll have you know. They’re forbidden to all but a few ponies out there. Banks, museums, some government buildings— they can be rough stuff when they’re calibrated properly.”

“I don’t understand,” I told her.

“Well imagine if I set up one of these in the street and suddenly everypony forgot how to walk?” she said. The implication was a bit scary. “Or, if everypony within a hundred gallops suddenly lost the ability to fly or use magic? Innate magic is what it can target, when done right.”

“And you want to see if it affects me at all?” I rattled the toy she’d given me a little. She swatted at me to make me stop and I snickered at her.

“I’m going to have you try using magic using this foal’s practice wand,” Twilight said. “If there’s even a slight fluxuation in your natural magical field, the crystal will react!” she smiled and made a squeaky sound.

I stared at Twilight for a long time while she ran about making adjustments and checking the wiggly lines the computer was spitting out on a mile-long ream of paper. “Go stand over there, yes there,” she gestured. I obeyed, looking over my shoulder at Spike for help. He shrugged again. Twilight squee’d, doing her tippy-tappy-hoofy dance in place as the whole thing started to whir to life. I shrank back a little. “Don’t worry! It’s no different than an X-Ray machine!” Twilight said.

“I demand a plate for my balls, then!” I said rudely.

“Okay bad analogy, it’s no different than a camera!” she corrected. I squinted at her, and she assured me several times my jewels would be safe. “Think of yourself like a sponge, Peaches. Remember how bad everybody thought you smelled when you first arrived here?”

“A little…” I said acidly.

“And then a few days later, eating our food and such the smell was gone? Your body took in things from Equestria and adapted!” Twilight said. “So, in theory, what if having absolutely no magic to speak of changed too? Like a dry sponge getting thrown in a lake?”

There was a long silence, and I looked down at the practice wand I was holding. I looked up at her, “If I blow myself up I’m going to be very upset.” I looked over at Spike. “Spike, if I die run to Applejack and make sure she avenges me.”

“Are you guys talking again?” Spike wondered.

“Not the point,” I said quickly. “She’s the most reliable.”

“Focus, boys!” Twilight clop-clopped her steepled hooves to bring attention back to herself. “Okay, Peaches, give it your best shot!”

Widening my stance, I swung the wand! “Hocus Pocus!” I shouted. Nothing. Twilight stared at me for a good, long five or six seconds before facehoofing. Spike was positively rolling with laughter. The purple princess opened her mouth to correct me, “No!” I said, pointing at her. “Human magic words first! Then pony stuff!” I was gonna have fun with this, or not do it at all. Twilight’s mouth went agape. HUMAN magic words! She positively flailed for ink and paper. “Jiggery Pokery! Squiggily Wiggily!” I was a big Harry Potter nerd at one point, so I rattled down all the spells I could remember hoping for something. “Alohamora! Lumos Maximus! Oculous Totalis!” Twilight’s quill scratched wildly, I was too busy giggling.

“Stop! Stop! STOP!” Twilight said. “You’re going too fast!” I stopped after a time, huffing and puffing at my own theatrics. “What were all those?” Twilight insisted I name each one in turn. Unlocking, Big Light, Fix Glasses, and so on. Then there was a twenty-minute conversation about just who this ‘Harry Potter’ fellow was that I was drawing from. “So you’re just flailing with out of context spells,” Twilight’s muzzle scrunched. “Here, try this instead.” She gave me a paper. I waited patiently for the Equestrian runes to swim into view. They were very simple diagrams, but instead of a pony they had a human drawn in them.

“Hup… hooo… hwahh!” I tried the motion. Nothing.

“Again!” Twilight made some adjustments.

“Heep… huh… hyah!” I tried once more. Then again. Then a dozen times more.

“You’re as dry as a cracker,” Twilight said, stuffing her muzzle into a long line of paperwork. The needle hadn’t so much as quivered at anything I’d done. “Not a single magi-jule of output.” Her brow furrowed. “There must be something. You’re not IMMUNE to magic so there must be some in your body.”

“Huh?” I said, letting my arm fall.

“Well look,” she lit her horn and gently lifted me up by the waist. Then she set me down again. “If my magic couldn’t grasp at you, you’d be immune from magic. Only things like lead are magic proof.” She started into a tirade about magical immunity levels, but I tried to reel her back in with a circular motion of the hand. “But if you’re not repelling it, it means there’s just a little bit inside you. Being in Equestria, your body’s had plenty of time to absorb ambient magic. We saw your moment of Harmony when when we got off the train last year,” she said, tapping her chin with a hoof. “Lemme scan you again,” she turned for a moment to find the right paper.

“Accio,” I said to her back, the Harry Potter ‘summoning’ spell. Nothing. She snorted at me, but I wouldn’t tell her that one. When she came back, Twilight put a sticky piece of paper on my chest and scanned it down with the glow of her horn.

“No reaction or coloring…” she turned it over and over. “This is supposed to color according to a pony’s inner magicks.”

“Maybe I don’t have any,” I said innocently again.

“I’m sure you do, it must just be very faint…” she trailed off a moment. “Even if it’s in something as simple as your blood or your spit.” I knew I’d be giving her new samples of those by the end of the day, but not just yet. “Let’s try kenetic magic instead.” She pulled my long shirt sleeves over my hands and tied them into knots. Then she had me try to pick up objects and manipulate things with just my nubs. “Don’t use your fingers, make a fist!” she insisted. Nothing seemed to work. She sighed in frustrating, trying over and over with different objects and themes. Anypony could hold or grab something with the flat bottom of their hooves. It was no different than static electricity cling or something like that. Just, much stronger. Ponies learned it instinctively, so Twilight couldn’t really put into words how I was supposed to do it. She showed me several times, but it was no good.

“Any particular reason that you want me to be able to use magic, Twilight?” I asked conversationally, leaning on her contraption. The crystal flickered and began to tilt. Twilight’s head snapped up as the impossible weight began to tilt her way. “LOOK OUT!” I shouted, grabbing her and yanking her to my chest. Coiling my legs I flung us backward as hard as I could. The crystal smashed into the ground without so much as a crack. One of Twilight’s computers met its end though, sparking and fizzling.

Twilight quickly righted herself. “I don’t believe it,” she said slowly, staring at me. She wiggled free, running over to her measuring needle. “A spike in kenetics!” Sure enough there was a single, tiny spike in the endless straight line. Only for a moment, a tiny moment, I’d used the brunt of my fists and knuckles… like pony hooves? A manic, panicked look rose over Twilight’s face and she fell into the massive piles of papers to make a snow pony with all her limbs. “I knew it, I knew it!” she yammered over and over. Then she sat up, looking puzzled and tapping her chin again. “But this means you’ve a penchant for Earth Pony magic! I’ve been treating you like a unicorn all day!”

“Is this because I slept with Applejack?” I said without thinking.

“You WHAT?!” Twilight’s train of thought crashed and she tangled then fell into a mountain of papers and graphs that had been made through the day. I covered my mouth with both hands, wincing. I glanced at Spike. He was deep in a comic book, thank Celestia, when he saw no one had been crushed. Twilight lowered her voice into an angry whisper, “You slept with Applejack?! You wouldn’t even tell me about human mating rituals and she got the whole she-bang?!”

Oh, uh-hhh w-well you knew we were dating and… and stuff…” I spluttered as Twilight leaned at me aggressively.

“What if you had some other-dimensional disease or something?! What if you weren’t compatible?!” Twilight whispered fiercely so Spike wouldn’t hear. “What if you WERE compatible and she had some sort of half-hyooman-half-pony foal?!”

“What if you minded your own goddamn business?!” I whispered back, getting angry. How dare she think I was diseased or something. “I’m not some monster to be studied and quarantined, y’know! We love each other. Loved. Er…” I fell silent very suddenly, and I could feel the heat in my face. Twilight’s expression softened.

“…I-I’m sorry,” she said. “B-but no, you… ‘being’ with Applejack— no you wouldn’t acquire magic like that.” She cleared her throat a little, then made herself very busy straightening her feathers. There was a long and awkward silence as we straightened papers and she used her magic to set the crystal back up. I promised not to lean on anything anymore. I kept trying to meet her gaze as she cleaned up the mess. “N-no,” she seemed to read my thoughts. “Nice girls like Applejack don’t kiss and tell. I had no idea.”

“I see,” I said slowly, scratching the back of my head. Awk-warrrd…

“But!” Twilight said, regaining some energy. “We’ve learned something! If you can demonstrate basic end-of-limb kenetic magic, it means my sponge theory was right! However tiny, you’ve got magic!”

“Are you gonna teach me magic spells?” I said, grinning ear to ear in excitement.

“What?” Twilight paused. “Oh no no, nothing like that.” She saw me deflate, then giggled a little apologetically. “Today’s experiment was seeing if you could do anything at all. I wouldn’t teach you magic, that would be unethical!”

“What? Why?” I whined.

“W-well you’re not related to me, and I’m not a teacher. Legal stuff,” Twilight said. I grumbled at her. “You would need an earth pony teacher at the very most. And even then, I don’t think it would be worth your time,” she said gently. I deflated further. “Sorry, Peaches,” she rubbed my back a couple of times to comfort me.

I sighed at her. It was a thought at least. I could’a been like Harry Potter in Ponyland. But that would’ve been a silly combination, like a messed up fan fiction. Pfft.

*_*_*_*_*

Twilight spent the next several weeks seeing if I had any latent talent in alchemy, magic, thought-propelled flight, mind-powers and all number of other impossible things that humans couldn’t do (or had forgotten how to do). The purple pony tried to argue that cooking was alchemy, but I hit her with the fruitcake argument. “What’s the fruitcake argument?” she wanted to know.

“I knew a comedian that spelled it out for me once,” I said, gesturing to the radio that sat in my room. “Fruit, good. Cake, great. Fruitcake, nasty crap.” Twilight burst into laughter, quickly stifling herself so Spike wouldn’t hear us. “I’m just saying things aren’t always the sum of their parts.”

“Why do you think I study you so thoroughly, Peaches?” she agreed, smiling. “More than you appear.”

I stopped a moment, flattered. “W-well, I’m not a chariot or a boat, so… I’m just me.” I turned on the radio, hearing a band I recognized from Manehatten. “Oh hey I like this one!” I said, turning it up a bit.

“Well I have more data to compile, I’ll see you later,” she left my ‘science participation payment’ on my desk, the usual small bag of bits. I put it in with my glass jar of rent money, so it would just go straight back to her. I know she was a Princess and all but she really did pay too much sometimes.

I went about my usual evening ritual of teeth brushing and the like before turning down my sheets. Deciding on a cold drink before turning in, I left my room to hit the kitchen. Twilight’s study door was opening, and I could hear her dictating one of her letters to a magic quill and parchment. It was late, and I leaned to scold her to maybe get some rest and do it tomorrow. “—something else entirely.” I gave pause. “After experiencing his first moment of Harmony over a year ago I began to suspect that our world is doing something to him.” I leaned back and away so I could listen, frowning. “In this battery of tests, Peaches has demonstrated that he has the capacity for basic, pony-like kenetic touch. Foals learn it instinctively, picking up things with the flat of their hooves. He’s never had to try, but one accident and it came instinctively to pull me to safety. He is changing. He is evolving. Slowly but surely he’s turning into—!” Twilight jerked towards the doorway. I didn’t have time to dodge out of the way and hide. We stared at each other, both of us busted.

“Into…?” I asked slowly, softly. Twilight meeped, setting her tape-recorder down and clicking the button off. “Twilight?” I whispered. “Is something happening to me?” I looked about the room of her ‘human studies’ work space. But, I couldn’t make heads or tails of all the madness that was piled around her.

“I—I didn’t want to tell you anything until I was sure!” she blurted, coming close. I sat on my legs so we could be eye to eye. “It’s like turning egg salad into fruit salad!”

“I—what?” I said.

Twilight threw her arms around me and the plush of her chest and belly shivered with stress. “You’re changing!” she suddenly wailed. “You’re changing and I don’t know why or how!” she told me. “I’m afraid Equestria is going to hurt you! You’re from another world I don’t know if you’re just gonna wake up bleeding one day for no reason, or get magically saturated and explode or-!”

“S-slow down, Twi!” I begged, trying not to get sucked into her panic. “Breathe, breathe now. There you go. Breathe again, good.” I ran my hands through her mane over and over, which she leaned into. “Slower this time.”

“I… here look,” she said. Twilight went to a pair of pull-down charts to show me. “This is you when you arrived, about three and a half years ago.” The outline of my body was colored in brown, black and other dark splotchy colours. “And this is you in the past month,” she slowly pulled the next one down. I thought I was looking at a heat-filter picture of myself. All different colours, centered around my heart and belly and brain.

“What are these colors, then?”

“Your molecular make-up,” she said slowly. “It’s what you’re made of. It used to be completely foreign. Now you’re… you’re like a color-changing lizard or something.” She gestured vaguely. “I don’t know how or why, but you’re adapting to Equestria on an atomic level!”

“Is this back to that magic sponge thing?” I asked. “Why is this so scary?” I had to know.

“If you keep absorbing magic like this, becoming more like us you might… change,” Twilight whispered. “Not all at once maybe. Or maybe all at once, I don’t know,” she scrubbed at her mane. “Your pones have shifted a half-centimeter, like they’re getting ready to do something. Like a baby getting ready to be born. At this rate, your physical make-up could change entirely!” she gestured wildly to dozens of charts and wavey lines. “I didn’t want to freak out, but now you have weak kenetic magic! Something that foals have!”

“Are you saying I’m-?!”

“Turning into one of us,” Twilight said slowly, eyes glistening.

I felt my mouth go agape, but no sound came out. “I… I don’t understand,” I whispered.

“I-It’s magic, it’s hard to understand. You’re the first of a kind! The only of a kind! B-but soon, i-if my projections are right you’ll be—!” She pulled down a third, shoddily made chart. It looked like an evolutionary chart with me on the left and--!

“None of a kind,” I whispered as we pulled each other into a hug. “I’m turning into a pony.”

Metamorphosis?

Human Rituals
Metamorphosis
(3 Years, 5 Months, Same Day Since Arrival)

“W-well, not really a pony, no,” Twilight said, pulling away. “More like a newer, different you.”

“Be plain with me Princess,” I said, holding her shoulders.

“I-it’s like… it’s like transmutation,” Twilight said, reaching for a slip of paper from the massive file. She turned it over, then lit her horn. It hovered and then folded, folded, folded into a crane shape and fluttered its wings. “T-the only thing is, I dunno what’ll happen when you turn completely.”

“Like… my body might reject something?”

“Well, you come from a world that is devoid of magic. Now you’ve been in a world full of magic, eating magic-infused food and so on for over three years,” Twilight went to the chalkboard to make a little chart. “Things like skin cells, blood cells and so on get replaced over time right? They die and the body replaces them. Well, for the past three years you’ve been using magical materials instead of mundane.”

“So I’m not so much a magic sponge as I am a repair job,” I said, sitting on my legs next to her.

“But there’s also this problem,” Twilight continued her sketching to include bones and a lumpy thing I was pretty sure was supposed to be my brain. “Brain cells and bones don’t get replaced very often, if at all. So what happens if your transformation stops at ninety-five percent and the other five percent starts to reject what you’ve got. It would be like fighting yourself.”

“Sounds like Lupus,” I mumbled worriedly. (Then I had to explain was Lupus was.) “But I feel fine. It’s been three years, right? I don’t feel any different. How far along are we?”

“According to my math…?” Twilight paused for a long time to run some mental numbers. “Maybe eighty, eighty-five percent.” She pulled me into another worried hug. “I don’t want Equestria to kill you, Peaches!” I slowly wrapped my arms about her, careful of her wings. “What if your brain hemorrhages or your joints swell up and reject your bones or you start bleeding for no reason or-!”

I gently shushed her. “Eighty percent in three-and-a-half years, I won’t be sent home in time to avoid a hundred percent.” A hurt look came across Twilight’s face, but she nodded slowly and looked away. “Twilight?” I said, leaning to catch her gaze again. “What’s that look for?”

“I… erm…” Her cheeks were red and her ears splayed a bit. “W-well we can’t lock you in a lead room for a year and a half. You’d go insane.” She huffed, turning and looking upward to stay any tears. A knock on the massive double doors of Castle Friendship. “I’ll get it!” Twilight spluttered, quickly getting up and galloping away.

I studied myself in a standing mirror, looking around the lab. Removing my shirt to take a closer look… I really didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Checking over my shoulder, I made a fist and held it over a stack of Twilight’s papers. Pressing my knuckles to them, I lifted. Nothing. Everything stayed where it was. Refusing to believe this was a power-of-the-heart, heart-of-the-cards nonsense, I tried again a few times. Nothing. “Hrm…” I grumbled. I stared at my palms for a bit, but then I heard hoof-steps.

“Mister Hyooman,” it was none other than Princess Luna! I gave a quick, low bow of surprise. “Or is it Peaches now, as I’ve heard?” she smiled. I grasped her ankle in a friendly shake instead of pulling her ears. We still laughed about our first encounter, so long ago.

“I asked Princess Luna to come and help examine you. She helped pioneer some magics and medicines during Equestria’s opening eras,” Twilight said.

“Some unusual things happened when all three tribes started living and breeding together, it’s true. Medicine and alchemy grew in leaps and bounds on the grounds of fertility and healthy foals alone.” Luna said rather clinically, placing a hoof on my chest. “But if what Twilight’s letters said are true, you may be a somewhat unique case…”

“I don’t see griffins and donkeys gaining traces of pony powers just being around them, and Twilight said it had nothing to do with Applejack, so…” I trailed off.

“What about Applejack?” Luna wanted to know.

“Er, nevermind it,” I said quickly.

“I’ve been running the numbers. His bones have moved ever so slightly and his magical make-up has gone from zero to eighty percent in the past three and a half years,” Twilight led the dark alicorn over to her charts and drawings.

“Not unusual, given he’s imbibed our food and drink for so long,” Luna touched hoof to chin, hrmmm-ing over all Twilight had gathered. “But core materials don’t change regardless of point of origin.”

“Still standing here!” I said aloud as they conferred back and forth without me.

“You know how cells work, yes?” Luna looked over her shoulder at me. “You eat food, the body replaces old or dead cells with new ones. But you come here, you eat magic food and breathe ambient magic—“

“I get magic cells,” I pondered. “So why not gain dragon abilities, or griffon feathers?”

“Nature hates a vacuum. Perhaps you living among ponies has given you pony properties, as you’re absorbing their ambient magic and eating their food.” Luna said after conferring with Twilight for a time. She flipped a few pages to study the notes.

“So I’m not actually turning into a pony, am I?” I said, worried.

“No, of course not,” Luna said with a smirk. “A powerful metamorphosis like that would be catastrophic to your bones, your brain and your everything else without the aid of a powerful source of magic. Even if Twilight invented a spell to aid in such a thing, it would only last a few moments.”

“So, then…?”

“Twilight’s magic sponge theory is not far from the truth, it seems,” Luna gestured to the ‘evolution drawing’ Twilight had made. “Minus the physical, of course,” she reached and tore off all the in-between drawings to leave just the human on the far left of the chain.

“So what do you think, Princess?” Twilight asked softly, her pupils big and soft.

“I think your sponge is being dipped not in water, but in grape juice,” Luna said with a sense of finality. “Peaches will inherit certain pony traits, but his body is absolutely fine. If he isn’t in tremendous pain by now at the eighty percent saturation mark, then he’s not going to be by one hundred percent. Even in more permanent places like his bones and brain, if it’s not bad by now, it shan’t be.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief, leaning on a desk.

“Well here’s hoping I don’t grow a tail,” I put in, still trying to be a part of this conversation.

“Of course not!” Luna laughed. “Just do not panic if things start sticking to your fists now and then, or your breeding urges explode come spring-time.”

“Breeding urges…?” I wondered at the ceiling, trying not to think about it.

“You said you were theorizing about him having earth pony traits?” Luna wanted to know. She and Twilight pawed through dozens of papers, comparing charts and sharing the kenetic spike I’d produced on the chart just yesterday. She held up the chart with her magic. “A foal’s grip, yes, I see what you mean,” she looked at the numbers for a bit. “Tiz my opinion, Twilight Sparkle, your beau will be fine. A bit different than before, but fine, in the long run.”

“Beau?” I looked up curiously.

“Er, friend!” Luna quickly correctly. Twilight went hot in the face, whapping Luna’s shoulder. “I meant not to imply, hahaha!” she scratched at the back of her head. “Ah, I must refresh and return to Canterlot, if you both feel better now?” She’d only been there about two hours, but she did have a country to run so we understood.

When Luna was gone to the nearest restroom, Twilight was busying herself straightening papers and such, purposefully not looking at me. I sat on her desk so she couldn’t do anything else. She paused, hooves shaking a bit. “Somethin’ you wanna tell me, Twi?” I asked gently.

“I-I thought you were gonna die,” Twilight mumbled. “Th-this is what happens when you make assumptions in science, y’know? I didn’t listen, I was too busy thinking you’d be… uhm…” she trailed off and I gently pulled her into my lap. She rested her head, mentally exhausted, on me. The wetness of tears toughed my naked shoulder. I listened to her breathing for a long time, and her wings folded around me.

“I’m here,” I said softly. “You’re fine, we’re fine. Just breathe.”

“Yeah… yeah…” I could feel her muscles relax a bit and she heaved a great, tired sigh. “You’ve been here a long time, I just… you’re not my pet or my roommate, y’know?” she whispered in my ear, not daring to look at me. “You’re Peaches. M-my Peaches.” She husked quietly.

About a year’s worth of different conversations came crashing down on me, and the obliviousness fell away. “Oh. Ohhhhh…” was all I could think to say.

“S-sorry,” Twilight said, sitting upright and putting her hooves on my chest.

“Don’t apologize,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “It’s cute.” There was a long silence, neither of us could really think what to say now that THIS was out in the open. No wonder she’d been working so very, very hard to save me.

“…what do we do now?” Twilight said, clambering down awkwardly. “I mean, things ended badly for you and Applejack. I mean if we ever… I mean if you’re even interested…”

“Applejack broke up with me because I knocked Big Mac out with a well bucket,” I said flatly, lifting a finger. “But keep that to yourself. It was a cheap shot.”

“What? Why?” Twilight gaped.

“He wouldn’t stop bucking me in the chest and knocking me down for ‘sneaking up on him’,” I made air quotes. “I got tired of it and we… ah…”

“Fought like two colts in the dirt?” Twilight said, looking at me sideways in disapproval.

“Remember that day I came home with a split lip and told you I’d fallen off a ladder? Well, Big Mac’s half my size like any other stallion, but eh…”

“Applejack was closer to her family than you,” Twilight understood.

“Well yes, but let’s NOT talk about my ex when we’re pondering you and me, yeah?” I said. I reached over with a fist, and the papers flicked at me. “I mean this is interesting stuff, maybe we can work together on it a bit more, in case anyone else gets hauled in from other dimensions.” It took me a split second to realize what I’d just done, for Twilight was staring at me. The paper hovered maybe an inch or two away from my outstretched fist. I uncurled my hand so my fingers could grasp it. “Huh, well lookit that.” I said, smiling lopsidedly. She giggled a little.