You Came to the Wrong Neighborhood

by Thread Necromancer

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2235

Celestia tries to invade but is faced by the most 2 most feared gangs in the US.

Princess Celestia doesn't like how humans deal with their problems, so she decides to do something about it. That something is an invasion attempt. She starts in what appears to be an old, abandoned town but soon learns this is the home of 2 deadly and ruthless human groups.

Published 2015-12-22 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-22 00:50:01 UTC

Totally Logical Prologue

Canterlot, 6:30 AM, a groggy princess Celestia awakes. She gets sloppily gets out of bed and proceeds down the hall, then to the stairs leading up to the highest tower in the capital. She arrives at the balcony and composes herself. Her horn glows gold and and an orange flare peeks over the distant mountain range. The sun is slowly raised and then suspended at the appropriate angle for the morning. Light washes over the city and reflects off the golden domes and stained glass windows of Celestia’s palace.

The princess smiled, but not a warm smile. It was a smile that spelled something grim.
“Today is the day.” she thought, “Today is the day we conquer Earth.”
15 months earlier…

After the events with the mirror portal and Earth, Princess Celestia became much more interested in the world of Humans. This is mainly because on Twilight Sparkle’s visit. She made some rough documents and notes about Earth and it’s history while away. It mostly covered the eras of humanity and the technology used in them. On top of personal interest, Celestia also wanted to see if she could establish trade between the two worlds. The Princess ordered her best scientists and unicorns to begin studying portals with the goal in mind of creating a permanent one between Equis and Earth. She knew it would take a long time so work was to begin immediately.

12 months later…

The portal system was nearly finished. A large crystal ball had the world of Earth projected on the surface . They were able to observe the the planet close enough to clearly identify buildings and see some movement from a top-down perspective. They used this also as a means to lock onto a specific area to place a portal.

Celestia sent a message in advance that she wanted to see the work in progress. After a few hours, she arrived, eager to see how it was going. Specifically, she wanted to see what was happening on Earth.

After a short check in with the workers, Celestia concluded that everything was working as intended. She happily walked to the ball and one of the scientists asked “Is there any place in particular you would like to see, Princess?” Celestia thought for a moment.
“How about that little land mass just north and to the right of that larger area that resembles a chicken's wing?” suggested Celestia.

“Certainly, Princess.” The projection focused on the smaller piece of land and zoomed in on the far northern part of the unknown land. The image was quite clear but what was being shown was slightly confusing: It looked like a large metal box - kind of like a car but bigger - with rotating disk on top. A long rod protruded from that disk too. The box rolled through what looked like town, but in ruins and seemingly abandoned.
‘For what reason would someone need to go to an old, ruined town?’ the Princess pondered.

Suddenly the vehicle stopped and turned its disk to point down a street. From the rod, there was a burst of fire and a blast that kicked so much dust, it completely obscured the box for a few moments. It was like a standard cannon but much more powerful. Almost immediately, green beams hit the box but it seemed unaffected. The beams resembled magic blasts but they were thinner and much faster.

The Princess raised and eyebrow and frowned. “W-what’s going on here?”

“We strongly believe this is the preferred way humans fight their wars.” Explained a scientist

“War? Well, we seem to have caught these few at a bad time. I’m sure it’s just a small misunderstanding that will be resolved soon. How about we take a look at that area to the far west that looks slightly like an overweight elephant ?”

“Of course, Princess.”

There was a very large building with many people wearing backpacks entering. Celestia quickly concluded this was a school. It seemed to be going just as the way Twilight described it in the morning until someone pulled a small black object out of their backpack and starting pointing it at other students. Quick flashes came from the black object and students began dropping and clear pools of blood began forming under them. Others tried to flee but were quickly downed like the others.

Celestia’s eyes widened and her mouth hung open. “Stop! Stop the display!” Celestia said a bit louder than she would have liked to.

An engineer quickly flipped a switch and the crystal ball dimmed and turned off. “How could someone do such a thing to their fellow schoolmates?” she said intervaling between ragged breaths. She calmed down after a few minutes. “Turn on the ball, I’d like to see at least one more thing.”

“Y-yes, Princess.”

“Just any woodland area, I’m wondering if that’s any different than ours.”

Celestia was relieved to see tall, healthy trees and green grass. Little grey rabbits hopped across the forest floor. But from the bottom of the projection, a splotch of bright orange came into view. It was person and he had one of those black killing objects. This one was a lot larger though. He took aim and fired. A few moments passed before he ran over to a now dead deer. He kneeled beside it and took out a small black box. He lifted the deer’s head to face the box and looked at it himself. He held that pose for a moment before putting the box back in his pocket and dragging the lifeless body off somewhere.

Celestia sighed. Her disappointment turned to irritation. “This is wrong. This world is wrong and we must correct it. I know this is not the Earth that Twilight spoke of, but it is now my duty to set them straight. Resume your work.” She said before leaving.

In the following two months, Celestia and her military devised a plan to send the Elements of Harmony to try and make peace in that world.

…

“We’re ready, Princess Celestia.” said Twilight.

“Best of luck to you, Twilight Sparkle.” responded Celestia.

And in a flash, the 6 ponies were on Earth. Twilight paid close attention to the landscape. There was extreme overgrowth. Vines were covering the sides of buildings, grass reached up to their chests, and plant life was breaking through the roads and sidewalks. The buildings themselves were in very poor condition, broken windows and no more paint. The wood was old and weak. Some of the roofs caved in and entire walls were missing on some structures.

Rainbow Dash was first to break the silence, “Are you sure we’re in the right place? It seems completely deserted.”

“Yes, it does seem that way,” replies Rarity “Why don’t we try that place over there?” She pointed a hoof at a series of distant pillars that shot up from the ground.

Twilight quickly cut in, “Ah yes, the city! Good work Rarity, I’m sure we’ll find some big people there that can help us get started.”

The group began to walk towards the street.

SCRRRRTCH

An unexpected car nearly collided with them. It was a convertible with 2 very dark-skinned people in it. The driver exclaimed “Dafuq!?” the passenger followed with “Tha hell is this?”

The driver shakily said “Ay, I think I hit the blunt too hard.”

“Nah man, you ain’t trippin’, I’m seein’ that shit too.”

Twilight quickly tried to calm them down before the situation got out of hand “Please sirs, just relax for a moment. I understa-”

“AW HELL NAW, DIS BITCH BE TALKIN’ ENGLISH!” Outbursted the driver. The driver hastily reached down for something. He brought it up and aimed it at the ponies. It was one of those black boxes. This one had a slender protrusion coming down from where the man gripped it. Twilight formed a magic barrier in a tenth of a second and shielded her friends. Another tenth of a second later, a hail of projectiles impacted the barrier. The bursts that came from the weapon were ridiculously loud. That combined with that ‘shattering glass’-like sound from the impacts made for a grating experience for the ears.

Suddenly, it stopped almost as soon as it had started. The man inserted another box into the weapon and the passenger pulled out a similar device. Twilight decided it was a lost cause. She beamed them back to the lab, a split second before another flurry of fire came at where they were.

“It’s hopeless there, Princess. We try to talk and they immediately respond with violence,” explained Twilight, “are you sure you sent us to the right place?”

Celestia responded, “Yes, the targeting was off. We thought it was no big deal because we thought the area was abandoned, like you must have thought too.” She continued, “We’re gonna see if we can fix it. Come back in a week.”

“I’ll be there, Celestia.”

A week later…

Twilight recieved a letter from Celestia explaining a change of plans. Celestia decided to take military action against Earth. Starting with that ruined area. Twilight tried to convince the Princess into holding off an invasion attempt but Celestia wouldn’t listen. The invasion was to begin today.

Author's Note

Needed to put in this junk to fit Fimfiction's stupid 1,000 word rule.

Oh no.

The Equestrian troops marched through the cracked streets, Celestia was in the middle of the formation, preaching about a potion that would turn humans into peaceful ponies. But a decently sized group of Bloods and Crips gang members in a local club weren’t gonna have any of it.

“Aight my niggas, here’s the situalation: We got some bitch-ass cracker wantin’ to turn us into lil’ pussy-ass ponies. What we gon’ do ‘bout it?” Announced a Blood.

A Crip answered, “Well obviously, we gon’ beat that bitch ass!” the crowd murmured in agreement.

“K den. Any nigga dat agrees say ‘Yes, fam.’” There was a combined, loud ‘yes, fam’ in response. “Any punk-asses that opposal this idea say ‘Nah, son’” Absolute silence. “It’s settled den. Go home, grab a weapon, and we gon’ knock this ho out at around 3 in the afternoon.” No objections.

…

A sudden sea of blue and red lay before Celestia. “Accept our ways and become a pony. Failing to comply will be seen as an act of aggression and dealt with harshly.”

A man with a blue shirt at the front of the crowd yelled, “Nah bitch, how yo gon’ esspect me to side wit yo pale cracker-ass? Ya’ll got me fucked up!”

“Very well then, It looks like you group of buffoons leave me no cho-”

“YEET!” shouted a crowd member, as he threw a glass bottle with a flaming cloth shoved in it. It shattered near Celestia’s hooves and coated the ground in a sheet of fire. It easily broke her soldiers up and Celestia was completely exposed. “Attack them!” she ordered. The rest of the soldiers charged in, but rapid flashes and loud bangs came from the crowd. The charging soldiers dropped dead one after another. The troops that were on fire and panicking a moment before had re-organized.

Now it was the gangs’ turn to make an offensive. They rushed towards the remaining fighters with bats, knives, shovels, and one even wielded a scooter into battle. A vicious melee erupted. Those with shovels used the edge to dig into a spear shaft and keep it pinned to the ground while the brutes with bats knocked the enemy’s sorry-ass out while they were preoccupied. Many had knives with better crafted blades that Equestria’s iron spear tips. The blades could penetrate the soft gold armor inflict major damage. The infamous “scooter-savage” fearlessly charged into the brawl. He swung the scooter’s platform around the the axis and plowed through soldiers, smashing the handlebars into heads and swinging the edge into exposed ankles, leaving many soldiers lying on the ground and clutching their hooves, holding back tears.

The humans emerged victorious. Celestia was furious “What a bunch of useless soldiers. Fine, I guess I will deal with you myself!” Her horn glowed and a blinding beam shot out. She swept it through the crowd but when she stopped, no one seemed affected. “Impossible…” she said with her jaw hanging lower than most of her enemies’ tax balances. “How did you-?”

“‘CUS WE BLACK!” exclaimed a woman in red. “Biomestry taught me dat darker colors obsorb light.”

Celestia’s mane was set ablaze in rage as she screamed through clenched teeth. “MARK MY WORDS, I’LL BE BA-” she was cut off by a sharp pain in her neck. She looked down and saw a disc protruding from her throat. In sharpie, “Dequan’s Mixtape” was written on the disc. The injury began to burn, Celestia tore the disk out to see actual fire coming from the wound. There was faint tune that sounded like it was coming from the cut. The music increased in volume and fire grew and spread rapidly. Celestia tried desperately to put it out. Her last words were “THE BEAT'S TOO HOT, GET THE WATER NIGGA!” before collapsing and turning into an unrecognizable crispy corpse.

From that day onward, the once rival gangs set aside their nonexistent differences and vowed to defend their hood homeland as one.

Author's Note

First fic.