Thieves files: The Keystone

by Equestriasservant

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Romance, Sex, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 4523

A modern day thief, on the run from both the authorities and his own personal demons turns up in Equestria and proceeds to cause chaos for the Elements of Harmony.

"Death solves all problems - no man, no problem."
— Joseph Stalin

Ace is a thief. A modern day pickpocket. He'd go so far to call himself a Master Thief. But most people call him a criminal, a murderer and a traitor. But it's all a lie.
Ace is on the run, struggling to deal with his past and to find the evidence to clear his name for a crime he didn't commit.
Though his search for truth takes a strange turn when he's transported to the Magical land of Ponies, Equestria, after robbing a Magical Obelisk.
But his time is running out as both his enemies and his failing health closes in on him.

Published 2015-12-24 01:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-30 20:39:45 UTC

Introductions

Introductions

This is the audio-journal of the deceased Master thief, Ace, recovered from the ruins of the Equestrian Royal Museum, Canterlot.

December 15, 2016: Earth

So what's the first thing a Master-Thief should know not to do? Not get caught, carrying a fuckin' priceless artifact! Yeah, that was a pretty terrible day for my career. First I break into the London museum...by slipping on the icy roof and falling straight through the skylight. Then I attempt to James-Bond my way to the Obelisk...only to roll straight through the security beams guarding the Artifact, setting of the damn alarm...THEN I run into the...admittedly trigger-happy security guards...with the fucking thing roped to my damn back. Then again, I must admit, being shot at by a bunch of interns, then smashed in the face by a big-ass Sarcophagus is good way to get the blood flowing. Oh...did I also mention being transported to another world? Not my best day, you know?

What's that? You're wondering how the hell is recording this journal? Well give me fricking minute, I'm getting there! Guess I should start at the beginning huh? Least then this damn thing will make sense and you won't have wonder who the fuck is recording this audio-tape for you. You can call me Ace...Least that what I've decided to call myself since becoming an expert thief, at . What? Just because it's the Twenty-first century, it doesn't mean that there can't be thieves running along the roof-tops at night...though I must admit, thieves don't wear black clothes or Oprah style masks covering their eyes any more...way to tacky! But I digress. Yeah, my names Ace and I'm a thief. I'd call myself a Master thief, unrivaled by none.

"STOP RIGHT THERE YOU CRIMINAL SCUM!" And there's what most people call me. Mostly stuff like scum or filth. Ordinary people just don't understand the finesse of my job or the amount of skill needed to...."I'M WARNING YOU, ASSHOLE! GET BACK HERE! You know, I've never understood people's need to shout out insults. It's not my fault I became a Master-thief...Ah, who the fuck am I kidding, it was completely my fault. I'm like a damn Magpie since I have a need to surround myself with sparkly things...mainly like giant jewels and...other exotic artifacts....I'm digressing again aren't I. Sorry, it's hard to concentrate on what I'm trying to say when a pair of idiots are firing machine guns at you, whilst your running around on a slippery roof. With a giant rectangular obelisk on your back. I guess I'll start from the beginning

So yeah, as I said, my name is Ace and I'm a thief. I live in London...most of the time anyway and I like nicking things. Preferably big, shiny things. And that's the reason I headed to the London museum tonight. It took me a while to scope out the building, planning to scale the wall during the night. What I hadn't banked on, in my stupidity, was that the janitorial staff had been cleaning the roof and the water had frozen to the brick work. My climbing gear, consisting of a pair of Pickaxes had trouble digging in to the side. And I must stress that I AM a master thief. I looked the part too, with black leather wrappings covering the main part of my body with a thin black mask covering my head hiding my pale skin. High backed, worn leather boots covered my feet. A large, serrated knife was strapped tightly to my leg, with several throwing knives attached to my back.

Smiling to myself at the thought of what people would say if they saw me, I stabbed the two picks, hard into the frozen stone and bricks, steadily dragging myself up the side of the museum, cursing the icy weather and my incredible bad planning all the way. For a Master-thief, I had incredibly bad-timing. Once I ended up robbing a cargo plane, full of rare gold coins and ended up bailing out at the wrong time....landing in the middle of a Spanish port town. Anyways, yeah I was busy trying to scramble up the side of the building, my legs dangling in space, when I heard raised voices. I've always found it weird that guards seem to talk in ridiculously loud voices, especially when they're nervous about someone breaking in. It's a funny fact of a thief's life and it's a very exploitable fact too.

"So...You reckon the Ace thief'll turn up tonight?" Judging from the high pitched tone of the voice, I guessed that the guard was new. Looking up, I could see the snipers laser sight dancing about all over the place. "I knew when I signed up for this job," The guard was saying loudly, clearly waving his gun about, "The fuckers nicked god-knows how much stuff from other places. I can't wait till' I get a chance to catch that little shit!" I smirked coolly, pulling myself up again. He was definitely new. New guards made mistakes. And when they made mistakes...they were easier to kill. Pulling myself up onto the roof, I saw the two guards were standing at the other edge of the roof, their backs turned to me. I smiled to myself, slipping the knife from its' sheath. This would be fun. Oh HOW FUCKIN' WRONG I WAS!

So yeah, I slipped and fell straight through the skylight trying to deal with the guards and I fell through the pissing infrared beams guarding the Obelisk. Good thing i thought to cut the power or those numb-nuts would've been all over me. But even an alarm wouldn't have made me run, entranced as I was by the Obelisk. It was rectangular thing, made of what appeared to be semi-transparent metal. The small lamp-lights shining underneath it gave off a translucent effect with many different colors. Smiling to myself, knowing this thing would be the pride of my collection, I reached out, hoping to pick it up. It was my reflection that stopped me. Damn I was a good-lookin' bastard. My mask had been shredded in the fall, revealing my mug. Long, straggly white hair covered one of my ice-blue eyes. But the surrounding reflections was what drew my attention.

See, using the display lights, I could use the side of the Obelisk like a mirror, providing me a slightly distorted view of the Museum. But it wasn't the London museum that I was looking at. The image reflecting through the metal showed me a slightly wider chamber than the original Museum with a smaller amount of objects on pedestals. Oh...and there were several, multicolored horses standing around me, each one staring at me with wide eyes. Standing in the middle of the small group of...horses was a large Winged, white furred Pegasus staring at me with hostile, pink eyes. At that point, my astute senses took that moment to notice that several of the ponies were holding spears and covered in golden armor. Several of them had sharp horns sticking out of the helmets instead of wings. The spears that the horses had been carrying were pointing directly at me. Oh crap.

"Creature!" The winged-Unicorn barked as I turned round. Now that I was facing away from the Obelisk, I could see that the chamber I was standing in was circular, with several of the armored Pegasus and Unicorns along the walls, each pointing their spears at me. "I am Princess Celestia, Ruler of Equestria! Tell me who you are and what you're doing inside my treasure vault!" I smiled, slightly concerned that I seemed to be having a bad acid trip and that I was seeing talking Ponies. "Answer me creature!" Barked the one called Princess Celestia. My eyes darted around the room searching for escape routes. I needed to get out. I was panicking, something I hadn't done in a long time. I took a step forward and-------

Main audio Journal ends here.

Additional Notes

Princess Celestia watched as the creature, garbed from head to foot in black, toppled to the ground, the Marble floor emitting a loud crash as the intruder hit it. The Alicorn frowned as she gazed down at the intruder. It had appeared out of nowhere, standing in front of the switcher-stone as though it had only just touched the stone. The Alicorn turned her attention to the several guards stationed around her.

"Take this thing to cells!" She ordered harshly. Turning back to the intruder, the Alicorn frowned. "I want this...thing brought to me as soon as it wakes up!"

Escape

December 16: Equestria/Several hours after Ace's arrival

So...yeah. I got knocked out by a talking horses....ponies...whatever the hell they called themselves. It's at times like that, I sometimes wished I never touched that fuckin' hunk of metal. That happens quite often actually. Then again if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met her...That gorgeous, Orange Mare...But I'll get to that momentous event in my life later. Right now, your probably wondering what happened to me after that little bitch, Celestia knocked me out. What? Who the Fuck doesn't get annoyed when a pony takes a cheap shot from behind? But yeah, I got knocked out...by a giant Unicorn with wings. You can imagine how well my day went after that.

So I woke up lying on what appeared to be a small wooden cart. Oh yeah, this land doesn't appear to have a cart that's human sized. No, I was lying on a cart that was way to frigging small for me, with my boots hanging off the edge and my head lolling off the other side. With my mouth hanging wide open. Embarrassing. But, yeah, when I opened my eyes, all I could see was the underside of...I'm not even going there. Anyways I was surrounded by...guards-ponies. God-dammit I can't believe that's actually what they say here. I digress. Yeah I was being pushed along a corridor lined with what appeared to be several torch brackets, instead of the modern bulb lights. Lined along the walls were several stone columns, each standing next to a large stained glass window. Six of these strange ponies surrounded me, each shooting nervous glances. Upon closer inspection, I noticed the ponies were all wearing golden armor, covering their main bodies and heads, with holes for their ears.

"Keep focused rookies." Barked a male voice. Craning my head, I could see another stallion standing in front of the cart. The stallion had white fur and a navy blue mane and tail. What appeared to be a...a shield with a purple star tattooed on its flank. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind tattoos but...tattooing a horse with a shield. Who already has a navy-blue mane and tail. It was at that point that I also noticed that the leading Stallion had a horn. A fuckin' Unicorn was leading this group of ponies. At the time I thought I was on a bad acid trip...I mean, could you really blame me? "This thing attacked Celestia." The Leading Stallion said, turning his head from side to side edgily. The Stallion had a deep, commanding voice that belied the twinge of fear lacing his tone. "Listen Rookies," The stallion said turning to address his troops the commanding tone returning to his voice. Then the stallion's blue eyes widened. He'd seen I was awake.

The leading Stallion stopped and the cart crashed into him. I was standing immediately, my twin hidden blades springing into my hands. What? Which self-respecting thief doesn't have twin long-knives hidden up their sleeves. Tell you what though, they fuckin' hurt if you stick them in the wrong way...that came out way better in my head. Anyways...yeah I jumped up from the cart, blades-a-swingin', taking out two of the guards. Unprepared, the two rookies folded forwards, blood streaming from gashes in their forelegs, their tendons slashed. Three of the horned ponies sprang, their spears stabbing towards me. Knives are great for close range combat, though in my infinite stupidity, I didn't realize that they weren't so great when ponies half your size are stabbing massive-fucking spears at you.

A bolt of pain shot up my arm as one spear skimmed across, the edge of the blade tearing through the fabric and carving a thin wound. A second strike caught me through the left shoulder. Now I want you all to know, I did NOT cry out like a little girl. What? I fuckin' didn't. It hurt like Fuck though. Pulling myself off the spear tip, I took a wild swipe at the attacking guards, knocking one sideways into the wall before another of the guards spears caught me across the side. Blood sprayed from the wound and my daggers fell from my slippery hands, clattering to the floor. Knowing I was rapidly losing ground, not to mention a large amount of fuckin' blood, I grabbed one of the injured guards, lying on the floor, snaked my arms around the pony's neck and drew the stallion against me. A difficult feat, whilst I was tryin' to cup one hand against my side wound, in an attempt to stem the bleeding. The guard squirmed, groaning weakly. The Blue-maned captain stepped forward as I backed up against one the stained glass windows, his ice-blue eyes narrowed.

"Listen to me creature." The Unicorn snarled, his horn beginning to glow a strange violet color. To my surprise, one of the discarded spears lifted itself off the floor and began to float towards me, the metal tip dripping with my blood. "Release my comrade." The Unicorn demanded, the spear jabbing closer. With each hoof-step the Unicorn took, I took a step back. My vision was fading fast, my bloody arm was slipping off my prisoners armor. "I can promise you anything," The Leading Stallion said, just as my back hit the window. "Healing for the wounds. I apologize for my trainee's actions," I chocked out a laugh, and was rewarded with a stab of pain, flecks of blood staining the air. I just found it so funny that they'd attacked me, knocked me out and treated me like a pin-cushion for spears...and he was apologizing whilst I had one of his men hostage. "Just. Put. My. Rookie. DOWN!" The leading stallion said jerkily. I smiled weakly, feeling my grip fail.

"Sorry Asshole." I said, noting the leaders pupils tightening. "I'm dead already." I gave a twist. There was a nasty snapping noise and the guard I'd been holding fell to ground, his front leg twisted and broken, howling with pain. The leader shouted and the spear jabbed forwards. "See you in hell, Ass-hol," I didn't even get the chance to finish as the spear, carried forward by the leaders...magical hold and empowered by the Leading Stallions rage, caught me square in the shoulder. The glass window behind me smashed. And then I was falling. Falling through whirling blackness until, with a sickening crunch and a blinding flash of pain I struck something and blacked out

So I think it's about time I explained something about myself. Yeah, for a master thief I don't have great reflexes when falling from a great height, I have a tendency to either fall on my ass or on my head. Plus, for a Master thief, I seem really bad at getting out of sticky situations, such as the one you've just heard about. I'm cornered, injured and on the verge of being killed. So what the hell do I do? I take a fuckin' hostage, break the damn pony's leg and then get myself thrown off the side of god-knows where...while getting stabbed with a frickin' spear. But yeah that Shit happened.

I really can't tell how much time had passed until I woke up but when I did, I found I was lying on rocky ground, covered in small cuts and bruises. Pulling my head groggily up from the large pool of blood that accumulated around me, I looked around, trying hard to see where I'd fallen through blurry eyes. I was lying in what appeared to be a small forest, each tree devoid of leafs. I hurt. All over. Struggling to raise my body up into a sitting position drew on a wave of agony, more blood spraying from the rips and tears in my clothes. The stuff already encrusted on my clothing cracked and flaked off, mingling with the pool of fresh blood upon the ground. I staggered to my feet, struggling to hold my vision straight. The brown trunks of the trees flickered and blurred, mingling together.

"Where is that piece of Buck!?" Shouted a voice. I looked up. Through my blurry vision, I could see a blank expanse of deep-blackish blue sky, with what appeared to be a large collection of towers, connected by bridges and...a castle anchored to the side of a giant mountain. Upon closer inspection I could see that the sky was dotted with several winged shadows. Pegasuses. Swearing to myself under my breath, I staggered forwards, slipping on the blood-spattered ground, trying hard to focus on where I was going. I could here shouts coming from behind me, coupled with loud thunks. Something whisked past me and I froze, staring at the object sticking up out of the ground. It was an arrow. The thing had been fired with such force that it was still quivering.

My hesitation cost me as something smashed into my shoulder, piercing through my shoulder again and hitting the ground. A second arrow had struck me through one of the tears in my clothing. Stumbling on, trying hard to keep myself from passing out again, I continued my mad rush, hearing the loud impacts of arrows crashing into the ground around me....that's when my foot left the ground and continued, straight down. I run straight to the edge of a cliff. No...a more accurate term might've been, I'd run straight off a cliff. The last thing I saw was a large blue something rushing up towards me. Then, for the third time that day, something smashed into me and I passed out.

Applejack

Applejack

December 17/Equestria/Ponyville

So I fell off the side of a cliff and hit what appeared to be a giant slab of blue liquid. What? Yeah I know It's called a friggin' lake but what the hell? Can't a guy try to add a bit of...I don't know. But yeah, I was running from the castle of winged crazy ponies...who were firing arrows at me. I feel like the arrows were an insult to injury really, since that blue-maned Unicorn forced me through a fuckin' window and bounced me down the side of a damn mountain! But I'm getting off track here. Sorry I keep going on about being attacked but you're not the one sitting in a barn, waiting for the dust to seep into your open wounds. What's up? How the hell did I go from falling into a lake to lying in a barn? Well calm the fuck down and let me explain.

"You're running out of time Ace." The voice was whispering to me again. That happens to me periodically. It's been something with me since I was little. I have little to no idea when I first started hearing the voice but I've only really started to notice it since...I don't really think I'm comfortable talking about that event. People I've spoken to claimed I was mad, hearing the voice of a woman, whispering inside my head. Nine times out of ten, doctors claimed that the voice was just a by-product of my...problem. Sorry I'm not really accustomed to talking about my medical issues. At times, the voice is harsh and commanding whilst at other times it is soft and relaxing. Most of the time, the voice has a tone, rather like a person visiting a sick patient. "Time to wake up now Ace." The voice whispered, coupled with a soft tinkle of laughter. With a groan, I finally opened my eyes.

I think I might've blacked out when I hit the water. Lord knows how I survived the fall, considering the speed and the amount of other wounds I'd suffered. Arrows and spears being stuck into me...bloody hell. Sorry, I'm getting off track again. My head ached worse than ever and there was a horrible stinging pain all over me. Blinking my eyes open, I could see that, instead of drowning...luckily, my body had come to rest upon a small, craggy beach. I groaned as the pain burned through me, trying hard to roll over onto my back. With quite a considerable effort I managed it, to find myself looking up at a clear blue sky, with barely a cloud. Turning my head about I could see a wall of what appeared to be...(Sorry. Bit embarrassing here. I think I may have almost cried with happiness.) Apple trees. There were so many large, red juicy apples hanging from the trees that in my haste, I tried to stand up and stumbled, my injuries hampering my progress.

It was then, I had the sense to actually check myself. My trousers were completely fucked. The left leg had been torn at the knee, leaving a gash, several inches deep, across my knee and down my leg. Through the infinite amount of tears and rips my right leg had suffered, I could see small rivers of crimson blood, mingling with the river water, staining the leg. My jacket had gone, leaving me in just a long-sleeved black t-shirt, though with the right sleeve missing. Then of course, there was the twin, matching holes in both shoulders, made by the arrows and spears. I think it's a fuckin' understatement to say that I was in a fuck-tonne of pain. Turning my head back to the water, I could see a large cloud of brownish red liquid, floating away from the shore. I'd pulled myself out of the water some minutes ago and the blood was still pouring out into the river. Swearing weakly under my breath, I stumbled out of the water ans slumped against one the trees, trying hard not die leaning against a tree.

"Aw c'mon Sis?!" The voice, young, female and high-pitched, cut through the air, making me jump. Turning my head, I saw what appeared to be two ponies, ambling down to the river from a small distance. The taller of the two had Orange fur and green eyes, with small eyelashes...Yes I did say eyelashes.. Just like that Blue-maned stallion, this pony had three red-Apples, seemingly tattooed on both her flanks. To complete the image, the Orange mare had a blondish tail and mane, though the mane was slightly obscured by the large, patched Stetson hat perched upon her head. Slung over the orange mares back was a pair of what looked like saddlebags. The small of the two had light yellow fur, orange eyes and a crimson mane and tail. Perched atop this filly's head was a small red bow. Unlike the other ponies I'd seen, this filly didn't appear to have a tattoo on her flanks. They'd appeared out of the trees, talking in such loud voices that I was surprised I hadn't seen or heard them before. The smaller of the two was staring up at the Orange mare, wearing an expression akin to a child's pleading

"I've told ya before Apple-Bloom." The stetson wearing Mare said wearily, shrugging off the saddlebags and stepping closer to the river. This Orange Mare had a strange, slightly southern accent. "I don' want ya goin' anywhere near the Ever-free Forest. That place is dangerous, 'specially for a young-un' like you." The Orange Mare, who I assumed was Apple-Jack, stepped slightly into the water, tossing off the stetson, so it came to rest on-top of the bags. "Sides." AppleJack said, fixing the filly with a stern-glare. "I wouldn't forgive mah-self if somethin' happened to ma little sister." The smaller filly, Apple-Bloom, moved over to join her sister in the shallows, giving another childish huff. Pushing myself off the tree, I moved closer to the bags, trying hard to keep my steps light. I had eyes only for the pair of saddlebags. Keeping my ears open for the conversation between the two sisters.

"AppleJack, ah'm not a baby!" Shouted Apple-Bloom, splashing about in her anger. My bleeding hands slipped on the clasp of the saddlebags, trying hard to pull open the lid. "Ah can look after mah-self. What about when Ah found Zecora's place all on mah own?" The filly shouted. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see AppleJack gently pawing at the river stones with her hoof, the orange fur around the base. The filly on the other hand, was pacing around the shallows, kicking at loose river rocks, sending water flying in all directs. AppleJack sighed, looking both tired and annoyed. "Don't you sigh at me!" Shouted Apple-Bloom, practically seething with anger. "Ya always treat me like-a baby. It's not fair!" Whilst this family dispute was going on, I continued to search through the saddle bags, fumbling in my haste. From what I could see, whilst trying hard to keep an eye on the pair, the bags contained 2 red apples each, a long beach towel and a long coil of fine rope. The apples were good but the beach towel was the real prize for me. I could've used it to bandage my wounds...Could've at any rate.

"HEY!" Shouted a voice. Looking up, I saw that both AppleJack and Apple-Bloom had stopped their splashing about and arguing. Both were staring at me, expressions of shock and surprise on their faces. Shit. Grabbing the towel, I turned to run. Funny. For a self-proclaimed Master-Thief, I also seemed to have a short memory since I forgot that I was losing a large amount of blood and had lost even more during my search. Twisting round cost me a dizzy spell and a giant burst of agony through my chest. I must admit right now, this time, I defiantly screamed like a baby, stumbling forwards and dropping the beach towel and falling to the ground. Blackness tugged at the edges of my vision, consuming all color, turning the trees into blurred squiggles. A pair of orange hooves stepped up in front of me and a pair of stern green eyes bored into mine as I rolled onto my back, trying to control the pain. "Hey, Hey, Hey. What's all this about now?" Said AppleJack just as something hard conked me on the head.

So yeah, I was in pretty bad shape. I don't really remember much about what happened after that since whatever hit me knocked my senses out of wack. Anyways, yeah since waking up, I've found myself to be sitting in a barn, with my wrists tied together. Though whoever brought me here must've bandaged my wounds so I hope that they're benevolent. Though I'm not sure where I am, I can only hope I'll get some answers tomorrow.