MEDIC! : From the Files of Nurse Redheart

by AdmiralTigerclaw

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nurse Redheart, Random
Length: 8078

Nurse Redheart laments about the medical issues of some of Equestria's most well known ponies.

Let me give this to you straight. I'm a doctor. My title says 'Nurse', but I'm a doctor. I deal with sick and injured ponies daily, and give both treatment and advice to them with trust and confidence. That includes a certain six friends and their own medical needs.

If the rest of Equestria actually knew that disaster was one missed pill away, I don't think 'riots in the streets' would be sufficient to cover it. But I'm bound by Doctor/Patient Confidentiality, so I guess I'm the thin red line between civilization, and eternal enslavement by some horror from beyond.

That eternal enslavement thing sounds better every day, mind you.

*Cover image original artwork credited to mysticalpha

Published 2015-12-23 01:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-09 17:35:12 UTC

Six Medically Maladjusted Mares

When somepony asks me, 'Are you a doctor, or a nurse?', often the answer is 'Yes'. That is to say, while I may often be referred to as 'Nurse' in my profession, I am a fully educated and certified medical doctor, recognized by the crown for my credentials, and given all the authority needed when it comes to sick and injured ponies. Yes, I know that sentence ran a little long, but I'm a doctor, not a school teacher (Why do I feel like I've always wanted to say that?).

Needless to say, the title of Nurse makes me more approachable. Something Doctor Stable just could never understand even when I explained to him my decision to keep the title when I finished Medical School. As the head nurse (and technically a mid-level doctor on paper) of Ponyville Medical Center (often called Ponyville Hospital by those who don't seem to understand how names work), the credentials, title, and position come together to allow me to see, and treat just about everything that ails a pony in this part of Equestria.

Yes, from the youngest foal to the oldest stallion and mare, I've treated cuts, scrapes, broken bones, and runny noses aplenty. I've even treated the greatest heroines of our time.

Oh boy... Have I treated them.

Doctor/Patient Confidentiality aside, this is between you and me, journal. Most ponies see a certain six friends as the ultimate avatars of the virtues of harmony. Yeah, they get their fair share of scrapes and cuts when it comes to the hero business, who wouldn't when one is in the business of saving the world? But don't let anyone fool you into thinking they're perfect. Not that anypony would go that far...

I'll start with something obvious. Most ponies wonder how Pinkie Pie can consume so much sugar without catching several levels of diabetes. The girl lives in a bakery that sells mainly confections, and it shows in her diet. Between a diet of her own products and her constant taste testing, one has to wonder how she keeps from getting sick. Answer? She doesn't. If it weren't for a crown-funded medical plan mandated by Celestia herself, Pinkie would never be able to afford the amount of insulin I distribute to her on a weekly basis. I think the only reason her condition isn't worse is because she took my warning about diet and exercise seriously the first time. Though I wish she'd cut down on the sweets rather than increase the amount of running around she does... Girl's going to die young with a smile on her face. Whether it's from contentment, or a hyperglycemic seizure locking one permanently onto her features, I've yet to determine.

And if there was too much of a good thing, there's also Not Enough. I have three months of Fluttershy's blood pressure medication tucked away in a drawer because the girl's too scared to admit to anyone that she's got a heart condition. In case basic pony anatomy has been forgotten, Fluttershy is a pegasus, with the cardiovascular system to match. But not the lifestyle. To remain healthy, a pegasus needs at least three hours of active flight time a day. I don't think Fluttershy's exceeded three minutes all week. At this point, I worry about that anxiety of hers. Without her medication even a minor panic attack runs to the risk of cardiovascular complications. Her animals help keep her calm and relaxed, but one of these days Rainbow Dash is going to check on her friend, only find her lifeless corpse collapsed on the floor of her cottage.

Speaking of Rainbow Dash...
I'm happy to say that her problem is NOT steroids. At first I thought that pegasus had to be on something. Her rather insane bursts of energy followed by all the odd hours she sleeps is abnormal even for an active weather specialist. But thankfully, she's smarter than that. In fact, she's smarter than most ponies give her credit for. My only complaint is that she doesn't drink nearly enough milk or get enough proteins to keep up her training regimen. That crash that put her in our care a while back shouldn't have even fazed her. But 'medical and athletic science is for eggheads', right? I'll be keeping that comment in mind the next time she needs a wing X-ray. She WILL learn.

This of course, gives Princess Twilight no excuse.
I know she's a princess, but that doesn't make her body indestructible. It also doesn't change the fact that I've known her since she came to Ponyville, before she earned those wings and that crown. And like any bookworm... Can you say 'Self Diagnosis' with me? I'm serious, she's actually been in here (secretly) for more medical and magical blunders than any of her friends. Her neuroses are well documented, and an entire checklist (made by her, hilariously enough) of antidotes and counter-reagents has been stocked up on to ensure we can correct any mistakes she makes. Thank Celestia that Spike has a level head on his shoulders for a dragon his age. Powdered poison joke solution is not an acceptable anti-inflammatory.... No matter how limp it makes one's horn (the next time I see discord, I'm dosing him with methylphenidate just to see what it does to him). Twilight would make a wonderful doctor, except for her habit of reaching a conclusion on the very first match with any symptoms she has. A habit that she hasn't grown out of, despite four years of miserable, if sometimes painful lessons. Sorry Princess, but burying your head in every medical book from here to Canterlot does not give you any form of medical expertise. I would know~.

Compared to the Princess, the other unicorn (and STILL unicorn) of the group, Rarity, is a downright... well... princess.
But even she's not perfect. Thankfully, the idea of purge dieting is just too disgusting for her, but I worry about this cycle of binge and starvation she puts herself through. See, Rarity has a bit of a method for dealing with stress. Ice Cream, lots of it. Obviously, she doesn't consume sweets to the point she matches Pinkie, but the girl has been known to wipe out a few tubs of frozen desserts when she gets upset. And trust me, Rarity's business has more ups and downs than a roller coaster... Upset is frequent. Of course, the resulting crash diet she has on the rebound doesn't help... Compounded by the fact that she'll forget to eat when she gets 'in the zone'. I tried to scare her into taking better care of herself by pointing out such ballooning and deflating would give her early wrinkles, but that only succeeded in the excessive purchase of two dozen different facial creams... All worthless. You should have seen the binge eating she did for that one. Had her in here nauseous and almost visibly green. Can't say I didn't warn her.

And we mustn't forget Applejack.
AJ, AJ, AJ...
You'd think my down-to-earth friend would be more willing to listen to her doctor (nurse) when it comes to the importance of stress management and long hours. Believe me, I don't kick apples out of trees on a daily basis, but I AM a nurse (doctor). Her devotion to all things apple, and her reluctance to trust anything in pill or tonic form after that garbage those peddling frauds sold her grandmother has made it almost impossible for me to prescribe anything to her without a very long, very roundabout conversation involving lots of shouting and debunking of myths. Sometimes the same myths I've debunked before. Girl's thick-headed like her brother. If it weren't for Zecora's pharmaceutical knowledge and her way of making everything sound Au Natural, AJ would have snapped both her hind legs by now and I'd be force feeding her vitamins through a straw. I have to invite Zecora to Canterlot with me some time. If only to get her a pharmacists license. I can vouch for her, and I'm sure she'd pass a knowledge test.

Either way, these are Equestria's greatest heroines. A diabetic, a countdown to a heart attack, the athlete too cool for medical science, the self-medicated princess, the crash dieting diva, and the cowpony who doesn't trust anything that she didn't see growing herself five minutes ago. It's sad really. If the forces of Evil REALLY wanted to take over Equestria, they'd go after me, not them. Though honestly, I could probably point out a dozen medical issues for whichever monster or villain I come across. And they'd probably listen. Maybe we'll get an evil doctor one of these days. Then I can be his pretty assistant and ensure all his minions are always following my guidelines for healthy living. It would be a step up from the madness of Ponyville these days.

Good night Journal. And remember, this is between you and me.

Author's Note

Just a quick one-shot that came to me in the shower of all places. Written in fifteen minutes, and expanded upon for a little more content over the course of an hour. Nothing epic.

BONUS CHAPTER 2: Pretty Pony Princesses Packing Potty Preventing Pellets

WARNING: This bonus chapter is rated 'AR' for Anal Retentive.
It contains references to dookie and makes potty jokes in semi-poor taste. If you are consuming food or beverage, stop now.

YOU have been warned.

Hello again journal.

Once more I delve into the anals of medical science to bring you the very latest in the madness that is me telling everypony else how to not kill themselves.

No, I did not misspell 'anals'.

So today I was called out to respond to a rather peculiar medical emergency in the Crystal Empire. Normally, this kind of thing is out of my range, and outside my salary, but being scooped up by Rainbow Dash and told 'Hold On! We're going supersonic!' leaves me with little time to reject the job, and less time to let anypony else at P.M.C. Know that I wouldn't be able to make my two-O-clock.

Doctor Stable is already upset he didn't get to study Changeling anatomy...

But enough about that.

Now, to be fully accurate, I wasn't actually taken to the Crystal Empire, but rather straight to Yakyakistan, where I was shoved into a room with Princess Celestia and told, and I quote: “Fix her.”

Rainbow Dash and subtlety go together like penicillin and bacteria.

Okay, so to lay down the medical and not-so-medical history here, Princess Celestia this day in age is seen as a borderline goddess by many of her subjects. Hay, the two times she's disappeared recently almost caused the complete collapse of pony society.

Mind you, she's nowhere near as god-like as popular opinion would have you believe, but that's the problem when you're a medical professional who deals in fact stuck in the middle of a mass of ponies who have opinions in everything.

This has resulted in a rather... Odd twist to her image. Ponies see Celestia as the epitome of a righteous, squeaky clean mother figure. Incapable of blemish or scuff, lest all creation collapse upon itself and bring the ponypocalypse.

Her medical records (up-to-date copies in every doctor's office in Equestria mandated by Surgeon General himself) tell a different sort of story.

Princess Celestia, while healthy, is not without her vices and problems.

According to my recall of the notes, she suffers from chronic insomnia. Turns out it's an old problem dating back to the days when ponies had to watch their backs almost all the time in some places.

This keeps her awake, which means she's tired the next day. Of course, wouldn't you know it, the keeper of the Sun does not get the luxury of sleeping in or taking sick-days for her duties. I almost feel pity for Twilight. She doesn't realize what she got herself into when she got those wings. But I digress...

The insomnia leads to a dramatically increased intake of caffeine VIA the consumption of vast quantities of tea. Tea, which she regulates about as well as Luna regulates her voice at public events. Which is to say, not very well.

Because she doesn't regulate her tea intake, and because she'll take tea at all hours, including late, she only makes her insomnia worse. Which of course, makes her feel equally worse the next day. Apply more tea, rinse, repeat.

I hear it gets so bad some days that she actually crushes tea-leaves up over her breakfast as a seasoning.

And this is only the beginning of her problems.

Thanks to the wonders of insomnia, Celestia's lack of sleep also plays havoc with her appetite. That image of Celestia eating cake that's been going around? Not too far from the truth actually. Sleep deprivation suppresses the appetite, making it difficult for Celestia to feel the need to take proper meals. Instead, she snacks on sweets (mainly cake) most of the day.

Luckily, through the combination of every doctor in Equestria, and the fact that she barely even eats off her snacks before moving on, the princess is kept in decent nutrition through delicious dinners and stealth supplements in most of the cakes she gets a hold of.

And now we get to the plot.

Literally.

Along with the image of dainty, cake eating god-princess, comes the preschool image of a princess who does not have to poop.

I'm not making this up. If somepony ever steals this journal, I'm willing to bet even YOU think the princess never has to use the bathroom.

This is not without some basis in reality, of course. As it would turn out, excessive cake consumption can be troublesome for ponies. Princess Celestia, in particular, has an extensive history of unproductive constipation.

There is in fact, a reason why she seems to go back and forth between gentle mother and casual prankster, and the no-nonsense princess that Discord makes fun of so much.

And guess what I had to treat today?

It gets worse.

The hygiene conditions for Yakyakistan are what one would consider, sub-optimal. This is not to say the Yaks are Unhygienic. In fact, they are very clean. However, the frozen north has one very important feature.

It's FROZEN!

Fresh water, while abundant in the form of ice and snow, still requires heating in order to be useful. Heating in a place where trees are sparse is thus a very expensive proposition, and not something you'd want to waste creating things like water for flushing toilets.

Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. Being a frozen wasteland also works in favor of those who don't want to smell microbial gluttony on a grand scale.

But needless to say, the problem came down to a simple little fact.

Princess Celestia didn't want to have to use one of the Yak's “Potty Pits”. And I don't blame her. Not when one remembers how BIG a Yak is.

Needless to say, Celestia decided that not having to GO for a day would be better than having to balance over a semi-frozen cesspit larger than she was. So she took a supplement meant for treating diarrhea at the advice of Twilight.

I aught a' smack them BOTH.

The Yaks held a feast. And of course, the Princess would have an actual appetite in the excitement and conveniently forget that what goes in, must come out.

Yes, I responded to a world-threatening case of a belly ache.

Mind you, the princess was all but writhing in pain while I made a conclusion for my diagnosis. So I guess I get some 'I told you so' levels of satisfaction out of the situation... Even if I didn't actually tell her so. In the end, I had Dash run herself ragged back to Canterlot to retrieve some princess strength laxative (from Celestia's private quarters. She always has some these days).

Princess Celestia was none-too-thrilled to find out she would have to make use of the 'Local Facilities'. You'd think I'd diagnosed her with terminal cancer or something (Pro Tip: Alicorns can't get cancer).

Luckily, Prince Rutherford was amazingly understanding of Celestia's near-childish hangup about their frozen lavatories. He even made it a point to personally go out and dig the princess a fresh, clean pit fit for her body size.

It was surprisingly sweet. In a, massively disgusting way.

That being said, I think I'm going to go sit on my throne.

What throne you may ask?

Why, the only throne in the world that matters to the princess of her home.

The Porcelain Throne.

Author's Note

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Consider supporting me on my Patreon.

You'll be able to see all my work without delay.

SUPER! BONUS chapter 3: Nimmy's Needle Neurosis

Dear Journal...

If I EVER have to practice on another princess, it'll be too soon.

One would think that being one of the nigh immortal rulers of our nation would grant a pony a certain level of dignity in pretty much all aspects of their personage. I'd like to dash such notions right here and now.

Tonight is Nightmare Night. A holiday made specifically to quench a fear caused by one of said rulers when she decided to throw the most colossal tantrum in the history of tantrums. Let me tell you, if Princess Luna's behavior today was any indication, she hasn't changed as much as she or other ponies would like to claim.

I suppose there's a certain satisfaction to the knowledge that if I had really wanted to, I could have personally defeated Nightmare Moon a few years ago all by myself. No magical artifacts required, just modern medicine.

See, reviewing Princess Luna's medical records...

Turns out she doesn't HAVE medical records. Seeing as, a thousand years ago, the medical system as Equestria knows it didn't exist. No medical system, no records, no preventative checkups... Oh, I grinned like Maneiac for this one.

I dabble in comics, keeps me sane during the shifts where I'm not patching up the Trio...

But I digress.

The mess began early this evening just as the parties began. Into the waiting room busts Nightmare Moon- Well, Princess Luna wearing false teeth and much too much eye-shadow... Like I'm going to fall for that. -Demanding somewhere in the 200 decibel range that she required a healer's attention.

All patients waiting at that moment had hearing checkups added to their rosters. FYI.

Her injury that she was so blatantly vocal about? A scratch.
I almost cuffed her on the spot. Hippocratic Oath only barely restrained me there.

Now, this should have been open and shut, but through some compulsive desire she had to over-explain every facet of the situation, I was bluntly informed that she'd received the admittedly non-life-threatening scrape from one of the rusty nails in Applejack's barn-turned-haunted-barn. I've told Big Mac a hundred times-...

Standard Operating Procedure: Review medical records and ask about her last Tetanus shot.
The answer? And, I quote: “What is a shot?”

Only crickets could be heard in my office for several minutes. That, or I was still suffering tinnitus from Princess Luna's previous announcement...

Recapping: Princess Luna, a thousand years out of date with medical history, no records, cut with potential Tetanus infection.

Since her return a few years ago, she hasn't had a single checkup. No immunizations; no blood tests; not so much as her bloody PULSE being taken.

Well... No time like the present.

After a brief explanation as to modern medical practice, Princess Luna eagerly agreed to an immediate general health exam and immunization battery.

Now, to be fair. The exam, while unexpected this late in the evening, went quickly and effortlessly. Princess Luna is quite healthy for somepony who's last medical treatment involved leeches and Castor oil...

...If they even had Castor oil at the time.

I kill time with comics, not history books. I already suffered through medical school. I'm not subjecting myself to more literature so dry it could shrivel an apple orchard.

So when it came time to administer Princess Luna's inoculations, I was fairly confident I had a reasonable patient on my hooves.

Boy, was I wrong.

Princess Luna gets one glance at the Hippotaurus B shot, and she nearly gives herself a concussion against the ceiling. One would think I came at her with a broadsword the way she jumped off the examination bed like that.

Normally, I would be prepared for such events, but the Princess proved to be adept in skills known only to her night guard. Once she'd adhered to the ceiling, she stayed up there as if her life depended on it.

The argument that ensued consisted of the usual rhetoric I had become quite versed in. You don't give hundreds of young colts and fillies their shots without learning how to corral them quickly. However, this was met with what I would like to delicately describe as complete and total breakdown of medical negotiations.

She accused me of attempted assassination via poison, then blew a hole in the wall and bolted for it.

One would think this would be the end of such a confrontation, but with the amount of trouble Ponyville has attracted in recent years, Twilight's goofs, and crusading...

“Situation fifty-four delta! (Alicorn breaching medical containment without legal discharge!)”

The only time it is even remotely considered legal to assault a member of the ruling house: When the doctor dictates.

This is something Luna didn't seem to comprehend when every last Mare and Stallion on call dropped what they were doing and jumped her. Granted, nopony here is really a threat to her highness, but that's why every medical facility in Equestria packs enough morphine to drop a dragon.

Faced with such sudden, and blatantly overwhelming odds, Luna lost it, going 'full archaic' as it were. I'm pretty certain she uttered violent curses at us the likes of which haven't been heard by mortal ears since the founding of this nation.

I know I'm saving a few to mutter under my breath during particularly irritating shifts.

The battle (for that is what it had become) raged on for several minutes while Princess Luna trashed the entire ward. At one point she even regressed into her Nightmare Moon persona, threatening eternal darkness and nights without stars if we failed to comply with her demands.

All this over some shots. And she never even bothered to escape through the windows...

Eventually, I was able to successfully wrestle her to a standstill (arm-bars everywhere) and administer something to calm her down.

With the Princess subdued. I was able to finish the procedure, if you could call it that, even as she resorted to bawling like a little filly.

At least, until she realized that she'd barely started, and I was already done.

And that was that. She blinks away the fear/pain tears, marvels at how simple that was, thanks me for my work, and saunters out as if she didn't just throw a tantrum more befitting Filthy Rich's daughter.

And it only took thirty-six doses of morphine, which she didn't even realize were ALSO all administered by needle (or blow dart in some cases), five injuries (none serious), fifteen-thousand bits in damages to the ward (already charged to the royal account), and all of my respect.

Twilight Sparkle picks up bunch of magic jewels and rainbow blasts somepony, she gets to become a princess. I hoof-wrestle a demigod, and all I get is volunteered to the clean up crew for my efforts.

Silver Lining: Ponyville Medical Center voted most horrifying haunted building, The thunderous crashes, screams of agony, and forlorn wails of a panicked princess really sold the ambiance of the place.

I wonder if I should tell the mayor we weren't entered into the contest...

Author's Note

Bah! Barely finished that in the middle of Halloween Night, but still nice and dark out, so I'm on time!

And I really hate 'idle dozing'. (The kind of dozing you do when you're not moving and you catch yourself nodding off despite not actually being tired... Especially when trying to read/write.)

==============================
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PLANET BUSTING BONUS CHAPTER 4: Now witness the surging power of this newly born and irreproachable baby pony!

Newborn ponies have to be THE most terrifying creatures on the planet.

No seriously, Journal. I'm not kidding.

Pound for pound, a baby pony is one of the single most destructive forces on the planet. And I include hydras, dragons, and the occasional Draconequus when I say that.

See, even before they've learned to walk, a Baby pony's magic starts to set in, turning them from just another soft, delicate newborn creature, into a gurgling ball of adorable destruction.

Just ask the Cakes. They have a unicorn AND a pegasus. Within only a few weeks, Pound and Pumpkin were already like a barely contained natural disaster. Albeit I emphasize BARELY, considering they managed to bring Pinkie down from one of her sugar highs (If you've stolen my Journal and read my entry concerning Pinkie Pie, you'll understand why that observation is horrifying). And this is JUST a baby pegasus and a baby unicorn. Separate. Magical traits split between the bodies of two adorably destructive children.

Needless to say, I learned the one thing that puts the destructive potential of the average newborn foal to shame.

Her name is Princess Flurry Heart Mi Amore Cadenza Sparkle.

Most ponies will probably just call her Flurry Heart.

I just call her the Giggling Eldrich Monstrosity.

Except I don't. Because if I actually did, I'd probably end up sharing a cage in Tatarus with Tirek.

But I can think it.

And write it in my Journal.

So anyway, let's go with my usual format of explaining the mess more or less chronologically.

To begin, it should be noted that nowhere in any history, medical, or medical history books anywhere in any library is there ANY information on baby alicorns.

None.

Zero.

A grand total of LESS than whatever I might have had on Luna's medical history and Changelings in general. Because apparently the little Abomination is the first ever alicorn by birth.

Typical.

Now, for reference, I had nothing scheduled that would even hint I was going to deal with Royalty after the Nightmare Night fiasco. But it seems that once you're on a first name basis with Equestria's leadership, it doesn't matter if you are only a small town medical specialist with far less experience than most Canterlot physicians.

Nope.

Just doctor stable busting into my office near the end of shift with a parchment, a week train pass, and four simple phrases.

“You.”

“Crystal Empire.”

“Train.”

“Go.”

I will be getting my vengeance on him at some point.

Pinkie Pie will settle down one of these days. Maybe with that Cheese fellow. Then when the time comes, I'll use all that vacation I've accrued RIGHT when she's due.

Oh, right. Crystal Empire...

Worn out from a day of work, papers shoved into saddlebags and herded onto a late train, I was sent to the land of ice and snow.

At least the reveal that the Empire was nice and green inside it's weather dome came as a pleasant surprise. I mean, I've heard about it. But I don't exactly travel like Princess Twilight and her merry band of dead ponies walking.

But I digress.

Ten hours after being shoved onto a train car bound for the otherwise frozen wasteland, I arrive, only to be ushered directly to the palace. No rest, no recuperation, just... off to work.

Turns out Princess Cadence was in labor, and guess who got to play catch?

Now, I'm not going to complain about this part. When baby ponies want out, they wait for NO ONE.

You'd figure the Crystal ponies would be up to snuff on baby delivery, but as one would have it, they decided a royal delivery was too important to risk on their still-learning talent, and called in... You guessed it: Me.

Actually, delivery was the easy part of all this. And Cadence delivered an absolutely gorgeous and adorable baby girl.

With freakishly large wings for ANY newborn pony...

No seriously. Pegasi foals are usually born with their wings underdeveloped. Kind of like a baby bird. They're easier to deliver that way, and the wings will grow in as they age.

But Flurry Heart?

Aside from lacking in feathers, I'm surprised we didn't have to do a C-section with the size of those flappers. Proportionally speaking, they were fully developed alicorn wings for her body size, with a wingspan twice as wide as she was long.

Without any precedence for the situation, I can only write them off as 'alicorn birth'.

Now, after the birth, the usual checks go on. Check her vitals, clean her up, do a thaumitological reading on her potential.

Off the charts... Not unexpected. Alicorn baby.

At the time, I had pity because I realize that when that little one surged, it was going to be terrifying.

Oh, was I right.
Now, normally, baby ponies only surge a couple weeks to a couple months after their birth. Parents usually handle that nicely and there's always some kind of telltale event that signals baby's first surge.

Usually, it's a cold, or an emotional scare; something significant sets them off.

In the medical industry we call this Primary Care Stage Bio-Magical Ignition, or Primary Ignition.

The little one was already exceptional in several ways. She just HAD to break another record by getting a cold, causing her to commence Primary Ignition at one week old.

I'd been asked to stay the week and had agreed already. After a little sleep, caring for her wasn't so bad.

If I knew what was to come, I would have bailed on the Empire as soon as Cadence was cleared to return to her own quarters.

I was woken from my sleep about six days in by what I thought was an earthquake. Not familiar with the Crystal Empire, I didn't know any better.

But, it wasn't an earthquake at all.

The little princess had caught a cold, and surged. An alicorn surge, at one week old. She barely had the beginnings of motor control, let alone anything resembling magical control. So when I entered the room to ensure she was okay...

...Where did that skylight come from?

For a second, I considered suggesting the name 'Skyla' to Cadence. It sounded cute and basing it on the word 'skylight' made me imagine shafts of golden sunlight.

Said Golden sunlight was far less imaginary when it ripped from the horn of an adorable pink baby alicorn, and incinerated my hat on its way out said skylight.

My sleep-addled brain caught up with what was going on a moment later.

I also nixed suggesting 'Skyla'. On second thought, probably not a good idea to name an alicorn child something that might get her a cutie mark in blowing holes in the ceiling. That and princess of skylights seems a bit... Odd.

Now, to be fair, I was the first responder to baby's first cold, and aside from the death beams that seemed to be timed with every sneeze, I wasn't exactly new to cold-powered unicorn surges.

The new parents, however, were a little less calm about it.

Again, not unexpected.

My usual spiel about how to handle a cold in line with a surge followed, though I had to add some modifiers in the spur of the moment about their concern for her rather... energetic display.

To be fair, even I was at a loss.

Now, to complicate things, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna showed up that morning to congratulate the couple. But Flurry's cold was only getting worse. I won't go into too many details, but it all came to a head around nightfall as Luna was raising the moon.

This is where I decided the baby would be, in my mind, the little eldrich abomination.

I'd mentioned already the alicorn foal, the magical potential that confounded measurement, and her death beam shots on every sneeze.

Well... Luna learned first hoof about these concerns when the little one obliterated the moon after a particularly tenacious sniffle.

No, I'm not horseappling anyone. The moon is still there because Cadence asked Discord if he'd put it back together. But little princess laser face sneezed a bolt of magical energy with enough power to annihilate a planet, and caught the moon while Luna was bringing it up from the horizon.

Princess Luna's reaction pretty much summed up everypony else's.

It is only by one of the oldest standards of medical practice that we are all here today to have this go into my journal. Surging baby unicorns, especially ones with colds, must always have their horns facing skywards.

If that child had her horn below the horizon when she sneezed, we'd likely be asking discord to put us back together from the afterlife.

I pretty much noped right out of there after that. No amount of medical expertise on my part was going to do any good if that little abomination atomized me while trying to take her temperature.

I hear that after I left, the little abomination managed to nearly destroy the city by accident by shattering the crystal heart with a scream. It all turned out okay in the end, but after the fiasco, they officially named her Princess Flurry Heart. And I thought my naming scheme was bad. Imagine being named after a natural disaster caused by your own actions. I know I'd never live it down if I had been named Nurse Red Fountain...

But I guess alls well that ends well. And Luna's still in therapy with Discord for her moon exploding.

Until next time, Journal.

Author's Note

You may fire when ready...

View on Derpibooru (Original source unknown at time of posting)

(All hail Little Princess Death Star.)

Confusing BONUS CHAPTER the fifth: Discords Dizzying Plethora of Pathetic Pathogens

Confusing BONUS CHAPTER the fifth: Discords Dizzying Plethora of Pathetic Pathogens

Hello again Journal.

Today's trot into the madness would have been a case study to earn me my degree...

...If I didn't have it already.

But if I didn't, the abstract would be discussing the biology and immune system of species Chimerus Disharmonius Paininflankus (I did NOT invent that term)... Also known as Discord the Draconequus.

Most ponies, erroneously, would assume that an absurdly magical, reality warping entity like Discord would be all but impossible to infect. What with his tendency to shape shift, warp space time, rewrite his DNA on the spot, and number crunch... (Turns out that chaos magic is partially powered by pure math, specifically by dividing things by zero, go figure. Also, don't tell Princess Twilight, she'll have a conniption.)

But really, Discord CAN in fact, get sick.

I present one case of Blue Flu.

Also one case of Rhinovirus... Still getting the frozen ivory out of the wall on that one.

One case of Ewebowla; a case of Toxoplasmacast; symptoms of Gold Fever; Whooping Crane Cough; Mallardria; Saturday Night Fever (symptoms include singing in a shrill voice, among other things); Yellow fever, which when crossed with Blue Flu makes one rather green with envy; Salmon Ella; Symphonic Plague (Octavia even extended an invitation for that one); E-colon... The type where you put two dots on paper with lightning bolts, not the body part. Still figuring that one out; rabies, ACTUAL rabies, amazingly enough, not sure if that's doing anything; Mopes, don't ask; West Denial Virus...

At this point you're probably wondering how many different diseases he has.

Honestly, I think it would be safer to ask what he DOESN'T have. Discord's body is composed of so many different creatures, that I haven't even BEGUN to map the possible crossovers, reservoirs, infection vectors, or contagions. And don't even get me started at all the possibilities for magical diseases when you cross it with his chaos powers.

I think that during the pre-examination alone, he sneezed up and spread at least four different new pun-based infections. The only saving grace there being that they were only contagious when interacting with Discord himself. The, not so saving grace is apparently spreading the infection included conjuring up a butter knife and slathering it on one of the interns. Discord claimed innocence with that one. The intern contracted Incephalopodus, sprouted tentacles, and had to be carted off to Princess Twilight in a wheelbarrow. I'm a doctor, but there are limits, and magical shenanigans are more her purview than mine.

Either way, the problem present was rather odd. Discord had more diseases, dormant and active, in his body than any creature had a right to have. And despite his egotism in all things chaotic, the mess of biological insanity seems to have formed its own, more or less balanced ecosystem, complete with apex predator.

After taking a blood sample, I found not only the above listed pun-based diseases and more, but a few actual natural, but highly magical pathogens that while inert to ponies, seemed to be having a field day in his body.

You haven't observed a Draconequus' blood sample until you've watched single-cell organisms play kickball.

And if my entry so far makes it sound like I'm rather blasé about the whole thing, it's mainly because I'm writing this after three days of exhausting documentation and even then, running everything through a 'This is DISCORD' filter.

It's like my 'This is PINKIE' filter.

So, after diagnosing Discord with every disease known to pony kind (and many that aren't), I prescribed to him the only thing I could to deal with the one disease that was really causing problems...

Paint thinner.

Specifically one, eight-ounce glass of Turpentine-Acetone-Benzene solution every six hours as needed until the symptoms... fade.

I know, I know, not exactly professional, but knowing the nature of his chaos magic, and the pun-based nature of his illness, I decided that normal, professional methods of dealing with a sick Draconequus would probably fail miserably. Instead, I followed gut-instinct and made an educated guess as to the bizarre logic behind solving this problem.

After all, even with chaos, there's a method to the madness. So curing Blue Flu thus requires a way to remove the 'blue'.

As for the other myriad of biological hazards, I decided it best to leave them be. If they didn't hinder him, or infect ponies, chances are my meddling would just start a pandemic. And the last thing Equestria needs is a Sparkle-sized list of magical pathogens with punny symptoms wreaking havoc on the population coming out of nowhere all at once.

I also prescribed that he avoid Tatzle Worms in the future, and not to conjure up biohazards, no matter how much 'fun' being random and chaotic about micro-organisms might be. He may get a kick out of unpredictability and randomness, but I think even he understood that being bed-ridden with a case of sickle cell anime-a is not nearly as fun as it sounds when all his red blood cells are literally sickles being wielded by blond, spiky-haired microbes having death battles.

...Yeah that, luckily, wasn't a pathogen here, just an example I cooked up on the spot to get my point across. Though I honestly immediately documented that under 'keep an eye out for this', just in case.

That being said, I'm pleasantly surprised to report that despite the chaos magic involved in his very being, his bodily functions are surprisingly normal. Or at the very least, his body EMULATES being normal at the biological level. As a precaution, I've scheduled regular appointments for him on a monthly basis. Both to keep an eye on his biome of biological madness, and to collect more notes on how he ticks.

I will note, for the record, that after making that statement, I decided to subject him to an exit blood-pressure and heart rate check, just to confirm something.

Yeah, his heartbeat changed to that of a ticking alarm clock. I'm not surprised.

Despite his mischievous nature and past troubles, I will personally say that Discord was actually a very pleasant patient when all was said and done. I'm not sure if it's been Flutterhy's influence on him, or if just experiencing an actual hardship gets through to him, but he didn't give me a hard time, didn't argue, and cooperated fully.

Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony he may be, but even spirits need to be in good health, and despite his apparent madness, he knows it.

Author's Note

Hey readers. Merry Giftmas a little early. Since I'm kind of holding all my main writing while I deal with life itself and getting ready to start a new job, I decided to slap down a quick bonus here to add humor to your lives and give you 'something'.

Stay frosty, but don't let pun-based pathogens get you down.

Two things I must add now:
This...XKCD link
And...

BONUS CHAPTER: Bug-Infested Bug-Queens

I was marenapped today.

I'd like to say it was by some suave, handsome stallion. Maybe like that Caballeron from my Daring Do collection. But, no, I don't get that kind of luck.

Instead, I'm woken up in the middle of the night by a sound not unlike that of a swarm of angry bees. Now, granted most bees don't attempt to chloroform you on the spot, but before I could react, I have a rag stuck in my face.

Idiots. I don't know what books THEY'VE been reading, but I AM an Earth Pony. For one, I can hold my breath, and for two, I can kick a wall down if thoroughly panicked. For three...

I can't believed they tried chloroform! It's anesthetic properties are well documented by the medical community and using it to incapacitate somepony in such absurdly diluted doses takes almost five minutes.

Imagine how surprised my assailants were to learn this fact.

Luckily for them, changeling exoskeletons are rather tough. So aside from being a bit sore the next day, their prognosis was otherwise good.

Now, after granting my polymorphic attackers a little medical knowledge through osmosis, I was able to ask them what possessed them to try such ridiculous marenapping methods in the middle of the night.

As it would turn out, I was being abducted for my medical knowledge. Their Queen was sick, and they didn't have the knowledge to deal with it.

Oh, Hippocratic Oath. If I wasn't such a firm believer, I could single-hoofedly end a threat to Equestria today. But even the most wicked deserve their health.

Granted, they couldn't just let me walk to where the queen was being kept. That was a secret.

So guess what?

I got Chloroformed. This time willingly. Mind you, teaching a bunch of uneducated bug-ponies how to properly administer slightly hazardous anesthesia can be a bit trying. However, changelings are actually refreshingly literal in their interpretation of instructions. If they ever go legit, I want one as an assistant.

When I awoke, it was in a dark cave lit by moss, my tool bag at my side, and the sound of upset moans and scratching.

I was having none of that. I'm a doctor, not Batmare. I ordered light, and lots of it. And light is exactly what they gave me. And it was go-time.

So the changeling queen, Chrysalis.

I'm not familiar with Changeling anatomy of physiology. I made this clear when I was 'abducted', and when I prepared to examine their queen. She wasn't the most patient of patients I've ever dealt with, but she couldn't exactly maintain a threat when she stopped every five seconds to scratch her scalp or whine about her 'beautiful hair' falling out.

Honestly, she needs to reassess her priorities. Preliminary examination would suggest vitamin deficiencies and general malnutrition both for her, and for her 'subjects'. Cursory glances around showed me a considerable amount of scars and unhealed injuries. If my understanding of how Chitin functions is correct, this greatly exaggerated what I saw, and I had to reassess the severity of the symptoms. Naturally, if they could handle being smashed into a wall, they were probably a lot better off than I wanted to initially claim. Still... My diagnosis is 'fewer invasions, more begging for food and medical aid'.

That all being said, the queen definitely had a vitamin deficiency of some kind, and lice.

I itch just thinking about it.

Like I said, my familiarity with changeling anatomy and physiology is non-existent. However, there are parts of the queen's body that seem to blend from chitin into 'skin' along the top of her head and neck where her mane grows. And upon examination of said area up close, I was shocked to find a solid infestation of lice, ticks, and even fleas had come to call her home.

I wasn't about to give her instructions on standard home pest care, I get the feeling she didn't like taking orders and I doubt we had what I needed for such a treatment on hoof. So we did it the hard way.

“Off with her hair!” was the order of the day. And despite a number of vicious threats to my well-being, the queen's nasty, greasy, split-end filled mane was shaved clean off for her own good. And with her scalp laid bare, it was deceptively easy to remove the remaining parasites that had been plaguing her. The queen threw a pretty good tantrum at first, but once the itching and irritation eased off, she relaxed like someone who'd just finished getting the best massage in the world.

With the immediate problem removed, my prescription for both the queen AND her subjects was more frequent and thorough bathing (turns out the last time she had a proper bath was when she was impersonating Princess Cadance), and a more well-rounded diet. Love may be what gives them energy, but their bodies need vitamins and protein all the same. Fewer evil plots, more days out fishing. If I have to get marenapped again for this kind of thing, I won't hesitate to repeat my performance on her mane.

From her reaction to that threat, I'd say the queen would be taking my instructions seriously. She looked kind of comical with her fangs sticking out of a silly, terrified grin and one hoof running along her now bald head.

As payment for services rendered, I was offered some gold (probably looted), but I opted instead to request that she compile notes on changeling anatomy and have them delivered to Ponyville Medical Center discretely. If myself or another medical specialist had to deal with changelings again, it would be more productive if we actually knew what we were working on going into it. The queen was lucky her problem was actually simple parasite infestation. If I had to do anything involving antibiotics or invasive medical treatments... Well, needless to say I might as well have had leeches for all the good my schooling would have done me.

That being said, I need to take a bath. I was working around fleas, ticks, and lice. The last thing I need is to become a new host. I might take today off too, just to be sure.

Author's Note

Just a quick bonus chapter that cropped up in my head. Typed it in the usual hour.