My mind has been numbed with thoughts and... Opinions about who I am... What I am. I'm a pony of course, but what kind pony? I've failed to answer that question one too many times. Unfortunately for me, I apparently won't stop trying either-- no matter how many times I start to feel alone or frightened or anxious even. I know there's a word for this, when you feel like both genders, but something about that doesn't sound... Right (even though it technically is). So, this is a journal of my life and my, well, not so exciting story to say the least.
My foal-hood/teenage years really began with a friend... A loved friend. A friend that I could connect with. And not those cheesy movie-type 'oh, we'll be best friends forever' type of thing. It was more genuine than that, at least that's how I felt. The pony's name was Double Tap, a cheery name for such a grief-stricken animal. Before I go any further, I wish I was there. I really do. I feel like it's my fault in a way, for being his only friend and then... Leaving him at the most prominent time in his life. But... That's not where I really want to start.
I want to start with my mother, father, and brother. I know they all supported me, throughout my life, but for some reason I never felt that way. I don't know if it was the fact that I kept my feelings suppressed or that we never actually... Bonded with each other. (It was more the telling of dirty jokes and laughing about it while my mother sat there and groaned; regardless to say, that's not something I'm proud of.) Anyways, I know this sounds stupid, but I actually thought I was a Pegasus when I was a foal. So, imagine an earth pony-- a skinny earth pony, trying to fly by jumping off of houses (broke my foreleg with that one), fences, trash cans, all that stuff, only to fail and land on his snout. Pretty stupid, hunh? Well, imagine your parents supporting you. I should be grateful for them ignoring others and telling me to be who I am, but I'm not. I don't know if it's the privileged middle-class part kicking in or what, but I'm not grateful. I'm angry, actually. Why? Because I was like this for two years, getting jokes cracked on me all the time until I finally grew out of that. Only to be struck again with a confusing time of teenage angst and puberty, a combination which regrettably exists. This is the part that gets... Confusing and uncomfortable for some ponies, sorry. Not. Sorry.
The monstrosity of my younger foal-self was over, but replaced with the question of the normal teen angst, "Who am I?" that may have been easy for some to answer, but for me it wasn't. That's just the beginning of realizing I'm that great word called gender-fluid. I guess thinking I was a Pegasus really did have meaning. It was actually an 'introduction' to who I was soon to become, but this time no leg breaking or snout bruising. Just being myself.
