Chapters The Past –
“Why wontcha stop barkin’ and whinin’, girl?”
The blind, deaf, and aged Winona continuously yelped as she lay in her tan and brown bed, Applejack fretfully standing over her with worry written all over her face.
The years had not been kind to Winona, her once deep, dark brown eyes phased slowly over time into a glossy, gray blindness. The ability to hear went shortly after she had lost her sight. Her fur had been shaven at the beginning of summer to prevent fleas, but had not returned months later, and so she remained with only her head and feet having fur.
“What’s the matter sugarcube?” Applejack asked as she pet her best friend.
She was worried about Winona. The sudden start of her dogs cries were not a good sign, especially with no cause to be found. At Winona’s age it was only a matter of time before the end would come, and it was not something Applejack was willing to accept.
“C’mon girl, let’s go outside. Getting ya on yer feet will be a good thing, I reckon.”
Applejack pulled Winona to her paws, only to witness the limp in her step as she hobbled around in circles on her bed. Her back left leg would not sit flat footed on the rough, black pads of her paws, instead, whenever she took a step she would stand on the furry knuckles atop her paw.
“Aww, darlin’. I’m sorry girl, did you run into somethin’ again and slip and fall? I knew I should have put more rugs on these hard wood floors. They’re so darn slick.”
Quickly, Applejack headed to the bathroom. This had happened many times before, having a blind and deaf dog made things difficult for the Apple family, and so precautions were needed. Padding on hard surfaces that were eye level with Winona helped prevent harm when she would blindly stumble into something. A gentle hoof was always there to help guide her up and down the front porch steps.
She quickly found bandages in the first aid kit. While it was mostly used to stop bleeding, it was also used to put a sprained paw back into place. The yelping could still be heard from the bathroom, along with the movement of Winona trying to get comfortable in her bed. Panting would replace the yelping every few minutes until she got the will to bark once more.
Applejack returned with the bandage and began to wrap Winona’s back left leg. Kicking and squirming made things difficult as the bandage wrapped around the leg and paw.
“Now dontcha chew on this, yah hear?”
Wrapping from ankle to the top of her nails prevented her from moving or twisting her leg. While harder for her to walk, this made it impossible for her to step on the knuckle of her paw. This would give Applejack time to get the sprain looked at.
“It’ll be okay darlin’, I’ll make an appointment with Fluttershy and we can get you looked at once she returns on Friday. Hopefully yah won’t be barkin’ for three days.”
Applejack pet Winona who continued to pant, letting out a yelp every once in a while. At that moment, Applejack got an idea to help calm Winona down. She rushed off into another room and then returned with an electric fan.
She quickly placed the fan facing Winona and turned it on to the highest setting, a blast of cool air blew what little hair Winona had left in the propelled wind.
“There ya go. That’ll help yah,” Applejack said.
The fan seemed to help as Winona panted, ceasing her yelping. Applejack laid her hoof on Winona’s chest to feel her temperature. She then felt the leg to see if it was hotter than the rest of Winona’s body. When she touched the leg, the yelping began once again.
Winona sat up and slowly stood to her feet. Her balance was off and her leg was wobbly, but she managed to stay upright.
“No, no. You stay down and rest. You need to keep off the leg,” Applejack commanded, forcing Winona to lay on her side.
Her forcing did nothing as Winona just got back up and turned around in circles amongst her bed.
Applejack watched her spin like a broken record as she tried to get a comfortable spot.
“Well, I guess I’ll let you try and get some rest,” Applejack muttered as she scratched her head, unsure of what she could do at that moment in time.
It was getting late in the day as Applejack finished up with Winona. Dinner had come and with a few yelps throughout the night, the Apple’s and Winona managed to sleep fairly well.
The next morning, Applejack was the first to rise as usual. She immediately greeted Winona, making sure the bandage had not been removed sometime through the night. Winona seemed to be walking fine, even with the bandage preventing her from moving her paw. Applejack let Winona out to do her morning business in the grass, no sign of any pain in her movement.
“Don’t worry girl. When I get back from buckin’ apples tonight, I’ll remove the bandage.”
Winona stumbled back up the steps and into the house. No yelps, cries, or whines could be heard. Applejack poured her some food and filler her water bowl for the day. Winona ignored the water, but could smell the food and had clearly been hungry from the barking she had done the previous day.
Applejack pet Winona’s short haired back as she ate. Thoughts ran through her head, discomforting and worrying her. I wish we had more time girl, I know we’ve only got about two more years left , she thought. I wish we had more money to get your eyes fixed, just so you could see us and be reminded who loves you .
She sighed, knowing that two years wouldn’t be enough time to get the money, nor would it be known if it could truly work.
The morning would be quiet as the Apple family got ready for their day. Applejack gathered her lunch and headed for the front door. She stopped to tell Winona goodbye as always.
“I’ll see yah this afternoon baby girl. You keep the house safe, okay? I love you.”
A kiss on Winona’s head and Applejack was out the door.
It was still hot. Not the hottest summer, but the hottest they had in a while, even so late into the season. Applejack hoped the house would be cool enough not to cause discomfort for Winona. The last thing her old dog needed was to be uncomfortably hot. Even Granny Smith spent her days out of the house and in the lake cooling off from the summer heat.
“Better get started. Yeeeeehaw!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.
The Present, One Week Later –
That entire week, Applejack remained in her home. While she mostly stayed in her room, she had slept in the living room on the couch during the night. The only interaction she had were with her family, although they dare not saying anything about her attitude. Her friends did make an attempt to console her the day after, but were met with stubborn resistance and a slam of the door.
While the other Apples knew Applejack needed time to grieve, they also knew she needed time to breathe. With an order from Granny Smith herself, Applejack was kicked out of the house on the morning of the seventh day – only able to return once dinner was ready. Begrudgingly, Applejack set off for Ponyville, knowing that she’d have to face her friends eventually.
The fresh air didn’t help her attitude, but it did help her clear her mind as she reached Ponyville. Ponies left and right greeted her with half-smiles and apologies for her loss. Every time somepony gave their condolences, Applejack would thank them and quickly move on. In her mind she just wanted every pony else to shut up, to mind their own business, to be left alone.
She would not be getting her way.
Rarity was the first of Applejack’s main circle of friends to find her out and about on this day. While she had nothing against Rarity, she knew that the eggshells Rarity would have to walk on would be extremely awkward for the both of them. To Applejack’s surprise her tact was far more normal than other ponies.
“Oh darling, I’m sorry for you loss,” Rarity said as she studied Applejack’s demeanor. “But I’m sure you’re hearing that a lot lately.” She placed her hoof on Applejack’s shoulder.
Applejack nodded in kind. “Thanks, Rarity. I appreciate it.”
“Listen, I won’t keep you nor will I pry. I’m sure everypony will ask if you want to talk about your loss, but my door is always open if you’d prefer to get your mind away for a moment.”
A kind gesture that Applejack appreciated, but would most likely bare no fruits. She had no intentions of talking about her loss, she wanted to bottle up her feelings. To her, no pony else could understand the way she felt.
They went their separate ways before Applejack was finally stopped by the one pony she didn’t want to see. Twilight Sparkle had been sitting on a bench, reading her book, when she caught the eye of the orange colored earth pony. She called out to Applejack who, while reluctant, did not wish to be rude.
“Mornin’.”
“Good morning Applejack, it’s good to see you out and about,” Twilight replied as she sat up, closing her book. “Please, take a seat.”
Applejack looked around for a moment, then to the bench. “I’d, uh, rather stand if you don’t mind.”
“That’s fine. If you would though, tell me about your dog.” The straight and narrow question came as a surprise to Applejack. While others gave their condolences, Twilight gave something different, she gave questions.
“Well, you knew Winona. Not sure what else I could really tell yah,” she stammered as she rubbed the back of her neck.
“Sure, I met her, but I didn’t really know her. I’d like to hear about her from your perspective,” Twilight insisted.
Applejack let out an exaggerated sigh before she answered, “She was brown and white furred, big brown eyes. Loved to play fetch. Barked whenever you said bird or squirrel, well, back when she could hear.”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed as Applejack described Winona. “So did you love her?”
“Well, of course I loved her! Loved her more than anything!” Applejack exclaimed, defensive about the way the question was asked. She quickly composed herself, knowing that Twilight didn’t mean anything rude.
“Alright, alright. So do you think she loved you?” The question rang in Applejack’s ears with a stinging sensation.
“W-What?” she questioned, finally sitting down next to Twilight.
“Did you do everything you could for her?”
“Of course I did! What kind of question is that?” Applejack snarled, becoming more and more irritated as the questions progressed.
“Do you felt like you did the right thing?” Another stinging in her ears as Twilight asked that question.
“I-I-I mean… I hope so, but…”
“But?”
“Well, I-I don’t know. I wish I had more time with her. I wish I had gotten a second opinion. I wish…” Applejack answered as she stared down at the ground. All these questions had been on her mind the entire week she had been staying at home. Now she was having to answer them to some pony else when she couldn’t even answer them herself.
“Sometimes we only get to think back on what could have happened, what we could have done differently, the ifs and buts.”
Applejack looked up. “I wish I hadn’t been in control, I was the one that gave the okay. I was the one to have her killed.”
The two ponies sat in silence for a moment before Applejack spoke once more, “I had her cremated. I don’t want my body to be a cremated… But I needed her remains. I never want somepony to make a decision like that for me, it’s not fair. It’s selfish, and I’m selfish because of it.”
Twilight placed her hoof on Applejack’s. “It isn’t selfish, because you loved her and she knew that. She would have wanted you to be happy, and if that meant having her remains then I’m sure she would have been okay with that.”
“I keep tellin’ myself that…” Applejack replied in a low tone. “The ashes are supposed to arrive today. I reckon I’ll feel better after holding them.”
A smile came from the alicorn with some tough words. “Perhaps you should see a specialist, or maybe a counselor.”
Applejack stared back at the ground with a frown.
“If you need to bounce your thoughts off some pony, just give me a shout. No matter what, we all care about you. It’ll take time to heal, but just know that you don’t have to do it alone,” Twilight reassured her friend.
“I appreciate it. I better get going,” Applejack replied in a swift tone.
She didn’t remain in Ponyville for long. The amount of attraction she was garnishing was far too much for her to handle. The words from Twilight helped ease her clouded mind for the moment, but she decided to head home.
Of course, she wasn’t able to enter the house, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t work the farm. Bucking trees helped comfort her, relieving some of the stress that the day had built upon the awful week. Twilight’s words echoed in her mind for the rest of the day until the sunset had arrived. Dinner was sure to be starting soon, and the appetite she worked up from bucking trees gave her a better attitude than the one she began the day with.
“I’m home!” she called out. Her voice wasn’t sunny like it used to be, but it wasn’t a saddened tone either.
“Dinner is almost ready sis!” Apple Bloom yelled from the kitchen.
Applejack set her hat down next to the door just as a knock rang out. ‘Who could that be?’ she wondered aloud as she opened the door.
A unicorn in a blue uniform stood tall in front of Applejack. An aura surrounded the package he held out.
“Post pony at your service! Here you go ma’am. Have a nice day,” he said.
She knew what the post pony had brought, and she was sure glad to be the one who answered at that moment in time. Quickly tearing the package apart revealed an even smaller box.
The small, light brown box was surrounded by two envelopes and a clay circle that held a paw print. Applejack lifted the box out first and the other items fell into the missing space. She held the box close, hugging it tightly. Tears began to fall steadily onto the open package in front of her.
Granny Smith had walked out of the kitchen and saw Applejack sitting by the front door. The sight warmed her heart as she smiled with tears in her eyes. She slowly walked over to a shelf on the opposite side of the room. Quietly, she moved pictures around, creating space for the new arrival.
“Applejack,” she called out, causing Applejack to look up with tears running down her cheeks. Granny pointed to the now almost empty shelf. “Why don’t yah get her things and place ‘em here youngin’?”
With box in hoof, Applejack rose to her hooves and wandered over to the shelf. She placed the light brown box square in the middle of the shelf, and then walked back to the open package. She carried the letters and clay circle back to the shelf, setting the envelopes behind the box and the clay circle in front of it.
“Ah don’t have my seein’ glasses on. What is that?” Granny asked as she pointed to the clay.
Applejack placed a hoof in the grooves of the hardened clay. “They pushed her paw print into clay and let it harden,” she answered, tears fell slowly down her cheeks.
Granny placed her hoof around Applejack, holding her close before she spoke, “She’s home now.”
Applejack couldn’t contain herself any longer, she broke down in shambles, tears gushing down her cheeks.
Big Mac stared from the kitchen doorway with tears in his eyes. He watched as his usually strong, proud, and independent sister, lost all control of her emotions. Apple Bloom ran out into the living room, crying just as much as Applejack, and cuddled up next to Granny.
Mac grabbed the collar off the back of the couch and walked over to the other side of Applejack. He placed the collar in front of the box, next to the hardened clay, and then put his foreleg around Applejack.
With a few sniffles, Applejack said, “Thanks, y’all.”
The Past –
She came home from a long day of bucking trees, immediately taking off her hat at the door, and setting her bag on the floor close by.
“Where’s mah baby doll?” Applejack called out, wandering over to the alcove next to the stairs that held Winona’s bed. “There she is!”
Winona was asleep but had awoken to the vibrations next to her bed. She sat up, curious as to who was there. Applejack put her face to Winona’s and rubbed them together, Winona returning her appreciation with a gentle lick.
“How’s your foot girl? Yah better?” she asked as she undid the bandage. “Let’s find out.”
She pat her hooves gently on Winona and led her outside to do her business.
“C’mon. Get out there and go potty. Try not to step wrong goin’ up them steps.”
Winona finished and they both went back inside. Applejack watched Winona for a moment. She was back to stepping on the knuckle once more.
“Shoot girl… Friday can’t get here fast enough.”
Applejack let Winona drink some water and then guided her back to bed.
“Now you get some more rest and stay off your leg.”
The words fell on deaf ears, literally and figuratively, as Winona spun in circles in her bed. Trying to move her blanket around and find a comfortable position, she continuously stepped on her knuckle. She finally stopped and laid down, only to start panting which eventually led to the return of the barking and yelping.
The yapping led Applejack back to Winona, curious as to the cause. “Girl, I know you’re in pain, but you shouldn’t be steppin’ so much!” Winona sprawled out in her bed, constantly moving back and forth, barking and whining all at the same time.
Applejack sat for a moment and cuddled her, trying to calm her down. Singing, petting, and holding did nothing to alleviate her stressed friend. The concern grew in Applejack.
Granny Smith came into the room and pat Applejack on the shoulder. “I know yer friend is great with animals, but maybe we should see the town vet? It could be serious ‘nuff not to wait.”
Worried over what might be happening with her best friend, Applejack agreed. She was growing impatient with all the barking, not understanding what her pal could be going through. The last thing she wanted was to be angry with Winona over something she couldn’t control.
Applejack and Granny Smith left with Winona to visit the Ponyville veterinarian. Big Mac was left in charge of Apple Bloom, along with dinner, while they were gone.
They reached the vet before he closed up for the night. Winona barked the whole way there, trying to move and get situated, but being unable to get in a position she was comfortable with. Applejack grew more and more frustrated at the barking, she held Winona close to her body as they remained in the waiting room.
Eventually, they were led in to an examination room.
“Alright, so she continuously barks and walks on her knuckle? Just the one leg?” the vet asked.
“That’s right. It’s been going on for a couple days now, I reckon. Can yah do some sort of x-ray or somethin’?” Applejack responded as she held onto the yelping Winona.
“Well we can do x-rays, although we may also want to do a blood test if the x-rays show nothing.”
Applejack looked down as she held her pal close, the barking had becoming more infrequent as the panting had ramped up.
“Let’s just try the x-rays. She probably just sprained her foot or something and is terrified out of her mind. I would be too if I was deaf and blind,” Applejack concluded, snuggling against the short hair of Winona. She resented the doctor’s words, assuming that all they could ever want is more money from extra medical bills.
The vet nodded as the assistant lifted Winona up and carried her out of the room.
As the door closed, Granny Smith and Applejack began to talk about the situation.
“If it’s not a sprain what are yah gonna do?” Granny Smith asked.
“What do yah mean? If it’s not a sprain then we’re gonna find out what it could be. It can’t be more than a sprain or fracture. That wouldn’t make sense,” Applejack replied sharply, she understood what Granny meant but did not want to acknowledge it.
“All I’m saying youngin’, is that she’s an old dog. If she has somethin’ bad then it may be time to…”
“The only thing bad that she could’ve gotten was cancer. It’s the only thing in all of tarnation that I could ever see happenin’, like puttin’ pressure on her spine or somethin’,” Applejack cut off Granny Smith, not wanting to hear her negative talk. Winona was a member of the family, only thing to hope for was the best possible outcome.
“Just, if it’s not a sprain yah need to think about what’s best for her.”
Applejack rolled her eyes right as they returned with Winona. The assistant set her back in Applejack’s care.
“The vet will be back in a moment,” the assistant said as she left the room.
Winona still continued to bark, her eyes were watery and brown streaks were below her lids. It was obvious she was stressed far more than just a sprain. Her tears lead Applejack to begin crying as well, but she resisted as she knew that Winona could be okay. In her mind, the doctors would make things right.
Shortly, the vet returned with the x-ray.
“Well, unfortunately we’ve found bad news. There is no sprain or any damage to the bone in her leg. This means that the cause is something more in her head, something turned off that keeps the foot stepping normally on the pad,” the vet explained.
“What the heck does that mean? How can that happen?” Applejack asked, infuriated by this result.
“A dog’s brain is unable to retain information like we ponies do. The brain subconsciously keeps the paws standing up right, but hers has stopped. The back right leg has started to step on the knuckle as well.”
Applejack looked down at Winona in disbelief. She had not seen her stepping wrong on the other leg, and did not believe what the vet was saying. Unfortunately, she did not have time to contemplate a counter argument.
“The other issue is, the heart. You can see by this x-ray that the heart is pretty enlarged. This is abnormal, it’s about three times the size of a normal dog’s heart. This could be caused by a range of medical problems. Worms, cancer, or several other diseases. It may be possible to fix this, but at this stage it seems too large to be helped by just giving her some medicine. A blood test could reveal what the cause is for the heart, but we may not be able to treat the issue with her brain, even with major surgery.”
The vet paused for a moment before continuing, “The reasoning behind the problem with her brain is most likely caused by a tumor that resides in the portion of the skull that controls motor skills. It may be impossible for us to remove it at this stage.”
Listening to the vet, Applejack stared at Winona. She knew what had to be done, Granny Smith was right and she cursed her for it. Applejack knew she couldn’t put Winona through all of the surgery just to extend her pain. She was already blind and deaf, she didn’t need to have her brain tampered with too.
“I’ll give you a moment to decide,” the vet said, closing the door to the room.
Granny Smith looked at Applejack who had begun to cry on her barking friend.
“I’m sorry Applejack.”
“Shut up,” demanded Applejack.
“I was only tryin’ to…”
“Just… Shut up,” she said as she cried into Winona’s fur, distraught at what had become of her closest friend.
The assistant eventually returned to the room.
“Do you guys need more time, or have you decided?”
Granny Smith looked at the assistant. “Uhh, err…”
“We’ll go ahead with it,” Applejack said, not looking up from her best pal. “We’ll let her go.”
The Present, One Month After -
It had already been one month, but the feeling in her heart hadn’t changed. There was an empty spot left wide open and needed to be filled. Today felt like the day after she lost her best friend all over again. All because a pony asked one simple question.
“So, did you get another dog yet?”
That question ran through her head the entire week.
Applejack had gotten use to an old dogs habits of sleeping, eating, and making sure she got her exercise. Having to not worry about her pet bumping into things blindly had become a great relief. Perhaps the exact opposite of an old dog would fill the hole in her heart, without cutting too close to the memories of her companion.
It seemed too soon, but not soon enough. The need to give comfort to another pet felt right, at least, at the time.
Her attitude had returned to normal, but only when she was around other ponies. No pony knew how sad she felt inside every time she returned home. Every night for the last month she would sleep on the couch. There was no reason to her sleep patterns, other than she simply had no desire to sleep in a bed. The comforting feel of being unable to move in her sleep was relaxing to her.
The house had become a much quieter place, no screaming or yelling. To most ponies, the term that would come to mind when describing the Apple family home would be calm or tranquil. But to Applejack, it was tense and unsettling – no more barking or calling out ringing throughout the house. The most noise came from the dinner table’s chatter or hooves going up and down steps.
But the quiet did give way to something more, as every day, Applejack would begin with talking to the little wooden box on the shelf. Just like it began, it would also end with Applejack saying goodnight to it as well. It helped her grief release just a little bit more every day.
Of course, today was a bit different for Applejack.
Applejack and Apple Bloom headed out for the day to see Fluttershy. Apple Bloom wanted a pet of her own, a cat that she could become best friends with. While Applejack knew little Apple Bloom would find cats to be a bit boring, perhaps a dog would be available and likable enough for the family to enjoy. It would not be a replacement, but a new friend.
Fluttershy had been having an adoption week, many ponies were already visiting her to see about getting an animal of their own. Dogs and cats were in good supply however, and Apple Bloom immediately ran off to see the kittens once they had arrived.
Knowing she had time to look around, Applejack checked out the birds, lizards, and some of the other more unique critters. Of course, it really wasn’t something she was interested in. She was here to see the dogs after all. Fluttershy had noticed her arrival, and after finishing with another pony, she glided her wings over to Applejack.
“So. Dogs, huh?” Fluttershy said as she landed next to Applejack.
“I’m just, uh, lookin’, I reckon,” she replied, slightly embarrassed.
Fluttershy contently smiled at Applejack, placing a hoof on her back.
“If you find one you’d like, you can have it. If it doesn’t work out, you can always bring it back with no worries.”
Applejack returned a smile. “Thanks, Fluttershy. I’ll take a look around and then let you know.”
Fluttershy flew off to help another pony once more as Applejack entered the corral for canines. The large fenced off area had different sections. The largest of the sections contained small sized dogs like terriers and pugs, while the smallest pen contained the two largest dogs available. She ignored both of those pens and went straight for the mid-size canines.
There were only a few of the mid-sized left, or perhaps there weren’t too many to begin with. Applejack walked around the pen and greeted each of the dogs individually. She finally came across one that was overly excited to see her. Deep brown eyes and a wagging tail stared at Applejack with glee. Her black coat felt right at place with the unique brown eye brows above her eyes. The name on the pen read ‘Baylee’.
“Well aren’tchu just a darlin’?” Applejack asked, the dog replied with a bark.
As Applejack stared at the dog, Apple Bloom eventually wandered over next to her.
“Applejack, cats are lame. And they scratch. Why can’t more cats be like Rarity’s?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “I’m pretty sure Opal’s only been on her best behavior while you are there. From the stories Rarity yammers on about, ownin’ a cat is not all glitz and glamor like you believe.”
“Aww! She’s a cutie!” Apple Bloom yelled out as she looked at Baylee.
A smile lit up on Applejack’s face. “I think she’s the one.”
“Really Applejack!?” Apple Bloom jumped up and down in delight.
Fluttershy had just arrived in time to over hear the two earth ponies talking.
“Oh my, Baylee has found a new owner I take it?”
Applejack nodded, a smile ear to ear on her face. Apple Bloom hopping up and down next to her.
“Well then, feel free to take her. If it doesn’t work out, just let me know alright?” Fluttershy hugged Applejack tight before wandering back off to the other animals.
Grabbing the leash off the side of the pen, Applejack opened the door and lassoed Baylee up. “Come on girl! You’re coming home with us! Yeeeeehaw!”
Unfortunately, while she looked good on display, she was not something Applejack could truly handle. The earth pony had grown use to an old dog, and this new, young canine was far more trouble than she had expected. The next day, Applejack returned to Fluttershy’s cottage with Baylee in hoof.
“I’m sorry Fluttershy…” Applejack looked down in disappointment and embarrassment.
“Don’t feel bad Applejack. Sometimes these things don’t work out. I’m surprised you returned so quickly, but that’s okay. What was wrong?” Fluttershy inquired as she took the leash.
“Well, ahem, err…” Applejack grew a tad nervous with the answer. “She kinda, destroyed a bunch of paper and envelopes.”
Fluttershy stared at her with blank eyes. “Is… Is that it?”
Applejack wrapped her foreleg around the nape of her neck, looking away to avoid eye contact. “No, she also pooped and peed a lot in the house, knocked Granny over, chewed on Apple Blooms bows… Oh, and she would take off running every time she’d get outside.”
“Oh, my,” Fluttershy replied as she covered her mouth. “W-Well, I’m sorry about all this. Thank you for letting me know.”
“H-Hey. Don’t worry about it Flutters. It doesn’t help that I also wasn’t ready for this yet. It’s been too soon.”
Fluttershy nodded and took Baylee back inside.
Applejack returned to Sweet Apple Acres a little bit heart broken. A new dog didn’t work out for her in more ways than one, but it did help ease her mind. No dog could replace the hole in her heart, because the best dog in the world had already been taken from her. She knew that now more than ever, and this gave her a slight sense of satisfaction.
“I’m back,” she called out to the silent house. No pony had answered, but she wasn’t exactly calling out to a pony. Applejack wandered over to the shelf that held the little brown box of Winona’s ashes.
“Hey girl. I hope you know how much I care about you, wherever you are. I had to return that dog. Too much of a hassle. Old dogs are so much better.” Applejack stood there, talking to the box like it was listening. This had become a common occurrence for her, always saying good morning and good night to the box. She spoke to it at intervals during the day whenever she was around.
“You’re the only dog for me. Of course, I already knew that.” She ended with a kiss on the top of the box.
Applejack wandered into the kitchen. “What’s for lunch girl?” she said. “I’m starvin’!”
The Past –
They were taken to another room in the clinic. The assistant called it the relaxation room, Applejack called it the death room. It was where the families of the pets were taken to say their final goodbyes as they were put to sleep. It was a small room with two soft chairs and a large fabric stool squared in the middle. They placed Winona on the stool that was just large enough to hold her.
The assistant had been asking them questions about how they would like it to be done. Applejack made the decision to cremate Winona, something she herself did not ever want for her own body. She wanted to be with her best friend forever, and burying her didn’t seem like the way to do it. Taking her body out to be buried behind the barn was not something her best friend deserved, this gave her a place in the Apple home forever.
Another decision was asked, whether to have the medicine take her quickly and be put out of her misery, or to have the medicine take her slowly so that it felt like she was falling asleep. Applejack chose the faster route, knowing that no matter her decision it would not be enough time with her pal.
Applejack sat holding both Winona and the stool, crying her eyes out over her best friend. Granny Smith sat on the other side, petting Winona’s back. Winona still barked, but had calmed down and had worn herself out from all the stress. Hours had passed since they first arrived.
“I’ll let the vet know your decision, and he’ll be back in just a moment,” the assistant said.
“Alright,” Granny Smith replied as the assistant left the room.
Winona’s collar had been removed by Applejack and placed on a chair. She rubbed Winona’s neck and kissed her face over and over, tears flooding down her own face the entire time.
She looked up at the boxes on the wall. There were three different types that the animal’s ashes were returned in. Applejack already picked it out, the light brown rectangle of a box would do for her best friend’s ashes. The coloring of the box almost lined up with Winona’s shade of brown. The box came with a name plate on it of the cremated pet.
They sat in this room crying, which felt like an eternity to Applejack. She wanted to get it over with and she hated that she felt that way. Nothing hurt more than choosing to have your best friend be murdered in front of you, something she hoped would never turn out that way for herself.
All Applejack could think about in this time was the mistake she was making. She thought about waiting, but knew that even if she did, her best friend would still be in pain.
The vet finally returned with two needles.
“Alright, so this one will simply knock her out. The second one is a little something like morphine, except mixed with the first needle it’ll create a chemical imbalance. Essentially, it’s just an overdose. She won’t be in any pain,” the vet explained.
Applejack nodded and leaned back to allow the vet some room. He stuck the first needle in right above her paw, then the second one.
Applejack and Granny Smith sat around her, crying with their forelegs on Winona. The vet held his stethoscope to Winona’s chest to hear her heart slowly stop.
He finally pulled back the stethoscope and said, “I’m truly sorry for your loss. Take as much time as you need.”
“Thank you,” Granny Smith replied as he closed the door.
Applejack sat there repeating the same words over and over, “I love you baby girl. I love you.”
She cried over Winona’s body for quite some time. Winona’s eyes were left open, unable to close no matter how much Applejack tried. Applejack kissed her forehead and her cheek.
Finally, she got up and grabbed the collar. Granny Smith opened the door before saying goodbye to Winona one last time. Applejack stared at Winona, tears in her eyes, she soaked in the sight of her best friend once more. One last mental picture, one last time she’ll ever see her best friend.
When they returned home, Applejack left the house as Granny Smith explained to Big Mac and Apple Bloom what had happened. Apple Bloom had started to cry, only to be comforted by her big brother.
Applejack headed to the barn. She smashed bottles, threw hay, even breaking a mirror. Letting out her emotion was the only thing she could do. Anger and sadness filled her like hot tea overflowing from a cup. She felt guilty for having allowed her best friend to be killed. She felt sorrow for having to make the only choice she could.
She spent several hours in the dead of night bucking trees and smashing random things outside. Tears could be found wherever stuff had been broken. The bright moon overhead only helped in guiding her destruction.
Once she finally returned to her home, everyone was shut in for the night. Granny had told them to leave her alone, she knew that any conversation would upset Applejack more than she already was.
The first place Applejack went as she entered the house was Winona’s bed. She sat, lying next to it, crying and holding Winona’s collar. Her tiredness had caught up to her. The long day at work, and the stress of losing Winona had been too much.
She held Winona’s collar as she pulled the blankets off her own bed, dragging them down the stairs. Throwing the sheets on the couch, she snuggled up in them, wrapping herself with Winona’s collar in her forelegs.
The thoughts of what had transpired clouded her mind, breaking her concentration on trying to sleep. Had she done the right thing? Should she had tried for more time? Should she have gotten the second opinion from Fluttershy? All the bad thoughts she could think finally caught up to her after the bout of destruction she had caused to the farm.
Applejack held the collar close to her heart.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Forgive me.”
She cried. Worse than she did over Winona’s body. Applejack had family and friends, but no pony could compare to Winona.
Winona was her most trusted companion. No friendship or relationship could compare to the bond she had with Winona. She was part of the Apple family just as much as Applejack.
All these thoughts finally parted, her tears stopped as she eventually fell asleep on the couch. She still held the collar tightly in her grasp as she dozed off.
I love you , was her final thought as she drifted off to sleep.
The Present, Four Months Later –
Applejack awoke from her slumber on the couch just before the sun had started to rise. It had become a normal routine for her to get up at the crack of dawn to go do some jogging. She would run three miles in the morning, then three miles at sunset. It allowed her to clear her mind and prepare for the day or the night.
Hearth’s Warming Eve was soon to be upon them, the first Hearth’s Warming without her beloved pet. Every year Winona would get a gift that she would tear open herself. She was a smart dog, she knew there was always something good underneath a neatly wrapped exterior. Whether it was treats, a chew toy, or a ball, she always knew which one was hers.
A look back on the previous years filled Applejacks mind the night before, and so this run was especially difficult as the thoughts flooded back in. Within the four months, Applejack had finally felt her grievances leave her, and she was eventually happy once more. Talking to Winona’s ashes seemed to help her cope with the loss greatly, even to where she continued to do it months after the fact.
Of course, last night had been extremely difficult. Not just because of the thoughts that filled her mind, but because it was the first time she had slept in her own bed. The couch had become her spot to sleep, and none of the other Apples argued against it, but Applejack finally felt it was time for her to return to the old sleeping habits she once knew.
Her back hurt the entire time she jogged around the orchard, her neck felt like it was going to snap off. Even the little tendons at the top of her hooves felt stiff and rough.
The sun had peaked over the mountain range and shined down on the orchard just in time for her to finish the jog. She grabbed a drink of water, showered, and went back to bed. Her eyes were exhausted, but her brain wouldn’t allow her to drift off to dreamland. Every position felt uncomfortable to her, and her mind had been filled with the adrenaline of the run and the sleeplessness of the night previous.
The same thoughts had returned to her, the ones she had the first few days after Winona was put to sleep. Did I do the right thing, will I get to see her again when I die, what would happen if I died , she thought.
She groaned in pain as she covered her face with a pillow. Four months doesn’t seem like a long time to most, but after a while, you eventually feel numb to the pain. Happiness returns to your heart in its place. The only difficult part was when the numbness faded for a brief moment, kicking happiness in its shins.
Applejack removed the blanket that covered her and got back out of bed. If there was no point in trying to get some sleep, then she wouldn’t have it. Back down the stairs and onto the couch she laid, staring up at the ceiling was about the only thing she could do in the wee hours of the early morning.
Looking over at the shelf that held Winona, she couldn’t help but yearn for a chance to see her again.
She stood back up from the couch and walked over to the shelf, placing her hoof on the paw imprinted clay circle.
“Winona, I’m sorry. I just want you to know that. Well, I’ve been rememberin’ some of the times you and me had together.” She cracked a smile. “Like the one time you caught a bunny rabbit in your mouth and brought it back to me. I thought you had killed the darn thing, but it turns out you were tryin’ to get me to save it…”
A long pause filled with silence lingered as Applejack held her best friends collar close to her heart.
“Wherever y’all are… I hope you’re better off. And maybe, I’ll get to see you again one day.”
Another long pause.
“Just know, I love you with all my heart… and that…”
She smiled as she held out the collar in front of her, tears running down her cheek.
“I miss you, girl.”
Author's Note
I miss you, Gracie.
