“Is everyone here?” Pinkie Pie said. She looked over Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle library with all the diligence of a caffeine addled rodent. “Everypony needs to be here so I don't have to repeat myself. I hate repeating myself. I've told you I hate repeating myself, haven't I?”
“I think you've made your point clear, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight Sparkle said. “The six of us are here- that's everypony you put on the invite list, isn't it?”
“It is! At least, well, that's everypony who needs to be here for the first meeting. We'll branch out to other ponies once we reach phase two.”
“Phase whatnow?” Applejack said, wary.
“Relax, darling,” said Rarity, “Pinkie Pie's only getting a little more organized, that's all. I dare say Twilight's been a good influence on her.”
“Does anything good come in phases?” Rainbow Dash said, “I mean, like, the only times where I've heard the word 'phase' used before either have to do with boring weather factory business, or it's like supervillains telling you how they're going to take over the world.”
“Now now, Rainbow,” Twilight tilted her chin up to a properly pontificating angle, “there are phases to the moon too, you know.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes “Like I said. Supervillain.”
“Princess Luna is not a supervillain!” Twilight stamped a hoof on the floor.
“Not anymore.” Rainbow Dash said, smug.
“Oh, come on, just because she returned to Equestria after a thousand year banishment and tried to cloak the entire world in darkness doesn't mean she's a supervillain. You've seen her since then. She's gotten better.”
“I dunno, she still likes to yell at people in her crazy voice.”
“That's the Royal Canterlot Voice.” Twilight corrected.
“It's still pretty scary.” Fluttershy murmured, and shivered at the memory.
“Fluttershy, no offense, but you're scared of everything.” Rainbow Dash said.
“That's true.” The yellow pegasus shrank back behind a bookshelf. “You're not mad about it, are you?”
“Of course not, nobody's mad at you, Fluttershy.” Twilight said, smiling. “The Royal Canterlot Voice is somewhat antiquated, yes- but Princess Luna insists it's a proper part of a Princess' education, so I've been studying it off and on when I've had the chance.”
Rainbow Dash rubbed at her chin, “Does that mean you're going to be a supervillain next?”
“What?” Twilight flared her wings out in dismay. “No!”
“Okay, good. 'cause I'd hate to have to beat you up. I mean, yeah, you're a princess and all, but I could totally take you.” Rainbow Dash reared up on her hind hooves and punched the air a few times with her forelegs. “Easy.”
“I don't think this is an appropriate subject.” Twilight Sparkle said.
“I might feel bad about it later, if that helps?” said Rainbow Dash.
“AHEM.” Pinkie Pie cleared her throat with uncharacteristic solemnity. “You can talk about who's a supervillain later. Right now, we have some important business to talk about.”
“Lemme guess,” Applejack said, “we're plannin' somepony a surprise party, ain't we?”
“Nope!” Pinkie Pie said.
“It's not a Hearth's Warming Eve thing, is it?” said Rainbow Dash, “'cause they haven't even started producing this year's batch of snow yet.”
“Not that!” Pinkie Pie said.
“Fair enough, darling,” Rarity chimed in, “so something smaller … oh, it's not time for Sweetie Belle's Cutecinaera, is it? I really should keep better track of this sort of thing”
“Nope!” Pinkie Pie bounced on her hooves.
“Peppermint Twist's Barn Mitzvah, maybe?” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Nuh-uh!”
“I get it,” Applejack grinned, “we're just gonna put together some kinda party just for the fun of it, right?”
“I'm not planning a party at all!” Pinkie Pie's mane bobbed as she shook her head.
Pinkie Pie's five best friends stared at her.
“Um, Pinkie Pie?” Fluttershy's usually quiet murmur echoed like a thunderclap in the suddenly silent library. “Are you feeling alright?”
“I'm feeling more than alright, Fluttershy! I'm feeling wonderful! Because this is the beststest I've ever felt, 'cause I know I'm gonna feel even wonderfuller pretty soon!” The pink pony bounced around the room. She careened into Applejack by choice or by chance, and pulled her into an eager hug. “You guys remember when Twilight geneologied me, and that's how I found out how Applejack and I are family! Maybe. Technically. Probably. And it's the BEST THING EVER.”
“Whoa, you guys are related?” Rainbow Dash squinted at the pair. “Does that mean all earth ponies are related?”
“Rainbow!” Fluttershy said, “that's a very insensitive thing to say.”
“It is?”
“Very.” Fluttershy said.
“Girls!” Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared between the two pegasai and draped a foreleg over either of their shoulders. The fact that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were hovering didn't slow her down in the least. “Let's not get sidetracked, 'cause I haven't even gotten to the BEST part yet!”
“And what, pray tell, is that?” Rarity said.
“I'm glad you asked!” Pinkie Pie dropped to the ground, landing on all four hooves like a cat. “It's simple, really! The only thing that could be better than me and Applejack being related is if all of us were related!”
“That's a great thought, Pinkie.” Twilight said, “but that's rather ... improbable. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's families are both from Cloudsdale- it's pretty unlikely there's any relation there, unless we go way back to the pre-diarchal period. Which...would actually be a fairly interesting research project, come to think of it. Putting the primary sources together alone would be challenge in and of itself; I don't have the resources here to trace our family trees back so far ...”
“Neither do I!” Pinkie Pie, “which is why I came up with an even better plan! Because if we're not all related, we'll just have to make ourselves related!”
“I don't think it works that way,” Twilight Sparkle said.
“Sure it does! It's really simple! First, Applejack and Rarity have to get married.”
“We do?” Applejack paled, and she shot an accusing glare at Rarity. “You said we didn't haveta get married even iffin' we--”
“We don't haveta!” Rarity shot back, “I mean, er, we don't have to. Just because we-” suddenly remembering her company. As the blood drained from Applejack's cheeks, it rose to color Rarity's. “Just because we are in the early-to-middle stages of what may or may not be construed as a romantic relationship between consenting adults does not mean in any way we should be considering matrimony. At least, not right now.” The white unicorn nodded gravely, and then turned to look at her friends. “What's everypony looking at?”
“So anyway!” Pinkie Pie said, “Rarity and Applejack aren't the only ones getting married, because Twilight's gonna get married too!”
“I am?” Twilight Sparkle blurted.
“Of course!”
“To who?” Twilight regretted the question as soon as it left her lips.
“I was thinking Big Macintosh. Because then you'll be related to Applejack who'll be married to Rarity and then all of you will be related to me and it'll be the best thing ever! And then we can have like a DOUBLE WEDDING and it'll be twice as fun! Unless there's Changelings this time around but if we plan ahead we can be ready for them! I'll bring a cannon. A bigger one.”
“I'm ... not sure if that's the best plan, Pinkie.” Twilight said with all the diplomacy she could muster.
“Sure it is! We'll just plan ahead! Like, we'll give out battle axes as party favors or something!”
“Okay, now that sounds cool.” Rainbow Dash rubbed at her chin. “How come your brother's wedding wasn't like that, Twilight? Would've saved us a lot of trouble.”
“Nopony's getting married, and nopony's giving anypony battle axes!”
“Okay, so … swords, then?” said Pinkie Pie, “Swords are classier anyway.”
“Yeah! Swords are totally rad!” Rainbow Dash pumped a hoof enthusiastically. “Dibs on the katana! SWOOSH SWOOSH SHWHUPAAAAH.” The pegasus mimed swinging a deadly blade around the room in a manner that, had she been wielding a real blade, would have cut her own legs off before doing any harm to anypony else.
“That ain't what Twilight meant n' you know it.” Applejack narrowed her eyes and edged closer to the purple alicorn for support. “'sides, I hate to break it to ya, Pinkie Pie, but my brother's still datin' Ditzy Do, which means he can't marry Twilight, which means that the whole plan ain't worth plannin, which means me n' Rarity don't gotta get hitched.”
“Thank you, Applejack.” Rarity smiled. “Once again, your home grown country wisdom has shone through. We really should listen to you more often.”
“Really?” Applejack blinked, “'cuz ya didn't say yesterday, when you kept on goin' on 'bout them tea doilies.”
“Not now, darling.” Rarity smiled hard enough to hurt.
“That's okay!” Pinkie Pie smiled, “The great part about this is, Applejack has a bunch of cousins and stuff! And so do I, now that we're related! And it's okay if they live all over the place- we just have to get them a train ticket- or, oooh! Better yet, it might be a little cheaper if we just put them in a box and mail them, like freight!”
Applejack stomped on the floor. “Ain't nopony shippin' anypony anywhere!”
“Spoilsport!” Pinkie Pie said, “But, if you insist on keeping things local, we still have options!” Pinkie Pie pulled a chalkboard from … somewhere, and flipped it around, revealing an intricately drawn web of family trees. She picked up a bit of chalk with her teeth, yet somehow managed to keep prattling on even as she drew new lines upon the slate.
“Okay! So, Big Mac and Ditzy Do can get married first, so then we can be sure all the wedding invitations get out on time for Rarity and Applejack's wedding-”
“Now just wait a gosh durn minute!” Applejack's cheeks had turned the cherry red of her prize apples- though whether due to embarrassment or anger was left up for debate.
Rarity set a gentle hoof on the cowpony's shoulder. “Just … let her get this out of her system, darling. There'll be no stopping her otherwise.”
Applejack pulled down the brim of her hat. “Hmf.”
“And once we get that out of the way, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle will technically be sisters! Sort of. But we won't want to have Scootaloo left out, but that's okay since she's a pegasus, so we can invoke the ancient Pegasus Battle Rite of Wing-Brotherhood. Or, well, Wing-Sisterhood, in this case. And all they need is a dragon!” Pinkie Pie turned her shining smile onto Twilight. “Good thing we have one, right?”
“That's enough, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight said, and narrowed her eyes. “It was funny enough, but I'm not going to let Spike- I'm not going to let anypony get hurt.”
“Nopony's going to hurt anypony! The Rite of Wing-Siblinghood only requires they vanquish a dragon, not slay a dragon. It's an easily made mistake when you're translating from the Ancient Cloudsdalian script.”
“You can read Ancient Cloudsdalian?” Twilight sputtered.
“Well duh! That's what I studied instead of Old Equestrian! Most people in school took classes in Old Equestrian but I liked the sound of Ancient Cloudsdalian a little better because I heard they threw bigger parties like where you would throw the backwash of your drink at a little target in the center of the room but the trick is you can't get up from your couch but since Cloudsdale is made of clouds I figured the couches would be made of clouds too which means that they're really comfy and now I want to visit Cloudsdale again but I think they'd get mad if I started throwing my drinks at everyone. Even if I'd rather just throw the drinks 'back,' if you know what I mean, dontcha?” Pinkie Pie winked conspiratorially at her five best friends. She paused, and added on: “That means I get to drink them.”
“We got the idea, Pinkie.” Twilight Sparkle deadpanned.
“Anyway!” Pinkie Pie bounced on her hooves, and turned back to the chalkboard. “Once the Cutie Mark Crusaders vanquish Spike- I'm thinking, like, in a pillow fight. Or oooh, maybe a pie fight! Or a pie eating contest! Or maybe they can just beat him at skeeball! I'm sure we'll think of something! But the important part is that he's properly vanquished, which means the Cutie Mark Crusaders are Battle-Sisters. And then, since Rainbow Dash teamed up with Scootaloo for the Sisterhooves Social that one time, that technically kinda-sorta-legally-for-our-purposes makes them sisters!”
Pinkie Pie began to scribble circles and lines upon the chalkboard, drawing out the ensuing map of relations with all the diligence of a jungle explorer. “Which means I'm related to Applejack who'll be married to Rarity who's sisters with Sweetie Belle who's now a Sworn Battle-Sister to Scootaloo who once ran a relay race with Rainbow Dash which means we're two thirds done!” Pinkie Pie's cheeks turned a shade pinker as she took in another breath.
“There's more?” Fluttershy was simultaneously the bravest and most cowardly amongst her friends for asking.
“I like to think of this part as 'phase three,' which I'm keeping open ended right now, since Twilight's not gonna marry Big Macintosh. That just means I need to think of something else! Like, maybe Twilight can marry Rainbow Dash, or maybe she can marry Fluttershy! And then I marry whoevers's left, and I think that'll be official enough to make all of us technically FAMILY! Yay!”
Pinkie Pie's five best friends (who, for the most part, weren't yet related to her) just stared.
“Any questions?” Pinkie Pie said.
“You can't just mash two ponies together and tell them to get married,” said Twilight.
“That wasn't a question.” Pinkie Pie said. “Doesn't count!”
Twilight rolled her eyes, and rephrased: “Do you really think mashing two ponies together and telling them to get married is a good idea?”
“Of course it's a good idea!” Pinkie Pie said, “I told you, I've been doing my research in Ancient Cloudsdalian, and those pegaususes used to marry ponies off to each other all the time. It was like a big political thing, with clans and heirs and stuff. Of course, a lot of the time they were marrying ponies off for like two or three different times 'cause their spouses kept on getting eaten by monsters 'cause the Ancient Cloudsdalians liked to fight all the time. So if you lived in Ancient Cloudsdale you might wind up marrying your brother's wife or something, but that was just the marriage part for tradition's sake! And if you didn't like whoever you got married off to, ponies back then were usually pretty open minded about looking the other way whenever you needed a li'l somethin' somethin', y'know? Nothing wrong with a little somethin' somethin'!” Pinkie Pie made a vague yet obscene gesture. “They even wrote poems about it! Lots of poems.”
“I think I missed that part in school.” Fluttershy murmured.
“You should've been paying more attention, then!” said Pinkie Pie.
Twilight, to her mild horror, found herself nodding in agreement.
Rainbow Dash raised a hoof, as if she were back in school (and had actually been a good student at the time). “Wait, who am I something something-ing with again? Are they gonna be hot? They totally should be hot.”
“Rainbow!” Twilight said.
“C'mon, we're all thinking it.”
“Rainbow!” Twilight said.
“Like, can I just make out with Big Macintosh a little? Does that count?”
“RAINBOW.” Twilight Sparkle applied the Royal Canterlot Speaking Voice, just enough to rattle the windows rather than shatter them. “Nopony is something-something-ing with anypony!”
“But-” Rarity held up a hoof, and looked sidelong at Applejack.
“-unless both parties are consenting adults in an established relationship.” Twilight added on with a slight blush.
“Whew.” Rarity said.
“Wait a tic.” Applejack affixed Rarity with a wary look. “Alla this, and that is what you're worried 'bout?”
“A lady has her needs.” Rarity said, as if that would end the conversation. Which it did. Temporarily.
“C'mon you guys!” Pinkie Pie poinged in a tight circle around the other five ponies. “Get excited! Once we hit phase three we're all related! And then, we can move on to phase four!”
“There's a phase four?” Fluttershy said, aghast.
“Of course there is! That's the part where Cadance and Shining Armor's baby marries Applejack and Rarity's baby!”
“WHAT.” Said Rarity.
“Ain't nobody getting' their baby on 'round here!” Said Applejack.
“Er, Pinkie?” Twilight said, “As much as I- as much of all of us appreciate what you're trying to do, there are certain … factors you might not have considered.”
“Really?” Pinkie Pie's mane bobbed as she tilted her head to the side. “Like what?”
“Like the fact me n' Rarity are both, y'know, girls?” Applejack grumbled.
“Oh, that's not a problem! 'cause everypony knows that love will find a way! And if you don't randomly have magic lesbian babies, you can always adopt!”
“Assuming we want to have babies- magical or otherwise -in the first place,” said Rarity.
“Who wouldn't?” Pinkie Pie said.
Applejack rubbed at her chin. “Even if Granny Smith has been droppin hints … “
“Hints or no, Applejack, as things currently stand, neither one of us is ready for that level of commitment. You have the farm, I have my business, and both of those keep us busy enough that any theoretical foals we might have through whatever contrived theoretical means would be terribly neglected, more out a matter of circumstance than malice on our part. But, good intentions or no, such such a childhood of emotional distance will no doubt twist our theoretical progeny to the point where,, she will no doubt turn to a life of scurrilous villainy! And, between my social charms and your physical prowess, Applejack, she (or perhaps he, but who are we kidding here) shall be veritably unstoppable, and it shall be all our fault!” Rarity pressed one hoof to her forehead, as was melodramatically appropriate.
Applejack blinked. “Do what now?”
“Just back me up on this, darling.”
“Uh, right.” Applejack nodded. “Sorry Pinkie, no foals anytime soon.”
“Oh wow, listen to you guys!” Pinkie Pie popped up between Applejack and Rarity, and pulled them both into a rib-dislocating hug. “It's like you're married already!”
Twilight Sparkle walked up to the chart on the chalkboard, sizing it up. “As much as I respect your research, and all the work you've put into this, Pinkie … I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. Friendship is complicated. Love is even more complicated. You can't just break everything down into a bunch of graphs. You know me, I've tried. I know you're excited, but none of us have to be 'officially' related to spend time together. Why change any of that?”
“Why not?” Pinkie Pie said.
“Aside from the fact that your plan is probably going to cause even more trouble than you think?”
“Of course it will! That's what the best plans do, Twilight!”
The Princess of Friendship rubbed at the bridge of her nose with one hoof. “I think we're going to have to talk about what 'good planning' actually means. Later.”
“So we can talk about how great this plan is!”
“Kind of the opposite, honestly. I know you're excited, but … this isn't going to end well. At all. For more reasons than I have time to list.”
“But … but we're gonna be related! I've got it all planned out! I mean, mostly planned out!” A pause. “Partially planned out! But that part I did plan really is the best part of it. I made a chart and everything!”
“And it is a nice chart,” admitted Twilight. “But, there's one thing you haven't taken into consideration.”
“What's that?”
“Here.” Twilight trotted across the library, horn already glowing to telekinetically pull a dusty tome from the shelf. She kept her eyes on the ancient book as she gently laid it down upon the table. Brittle pages creaked as Twilight eased it open. She waved Pinkie Pie closer. “Careful now,” she said, “this book is very, very old-- I don't want to damage it.”
For once, Pinkie Pie kept a respectful distance, and looked over Twilight's shoulder at the book. “Ooooh, pretty!” she said, taking in the sight of the ornate calligraphy within. “Buuuuuut, I can't read Old Equestrian.”
“I can.” Twilight said, smiling. “And, right here, it says that whoever takes up the Elements of Harmony to defend the Kingdom will always and forever be bound not just by friendship, but also in sisterhood. So you see, we don't have to go through any of this at all to be a family.”
“Really?” Pinkie Pie said, “That's amazing! Oh wow, I've never been so happy to not have to do anything before ever!”
“You're not the only one, I bet.” Twilight deadpanned.
“Woo!” Pinkie Pie set about bouncing around the library again, forcing Twilight to hunch over the ancient book protectively, just in case. “This is so neat!” said the pink pony. “I wish you'd mentioned it earlier! I'm gonna go start putting together a 'we were technically sisters all along' party right now! See you guys soon!” Pinkie Pie sped out of the library, leaving a vaguely pony shaped cloud of dust behind her.
“So, that's it?” Fluttershy eyed Pinkie's chart somewhat warily.
“It should be.” Twilight nodded. “You know Pinkie-- she's working on a new party now, so that should keep her occupied with something a lot more productive. I'm sure she'll forget about the whole thing before long.”
“Not that I'm complaining,” Rarity noted, “but am I the only one who finds this sudden translation a bit … convenient?”
Applejack rubbed at her chin. “Seems like somethin' ya might've told us earlier. Like, 'coupla years earlier, maybe? Y'know, when this whole hubbub started? Unless … “ she narrowed her eyes at Twilight. “Ya ain't lyin' ta Pinkie now, are ya?”
“No, I ain't!” Twilight sputtered. “I mean, no I'm not! It's just that this particular text is kiiiiind of unreliable? I mean, it gets the major events down right, but there are certain biases you need to be aware of when reading it.”
“Hey Twilight?” Rainbow Dash said, “we don't speak Old Equestrian, and we don't speak egghead, either. Get on with it.”
“The translation is tricky, that's all. Certain words have certain contextual meanings that can vary, which can often be the subject of much debate.”
“Which means … what, exactly?” Rarity said.
Twilight winced a little, and looked back to the book. “It's just one word in particular. We don't know the exact slang for certain, but in the works of the comic playwright Aristoponies, the same word for 'sister' was sometimes interchangeable with the term for 'concubine.'” Blushing, Twilight trailed off into silence.
“Concubine? We can't be concubines!” said Rainbow Dash.
“Thank you,” Twilight smiled in relief. “I knew you'd see it my--”
“We're not farm equipment!” Rainbow Dash said.
“You mean 'combine,' dontcha?” Applejack said.
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Combine, concubine, same thing, right?”
Fluttershy leaned over and murmured something into Rainbow Dash's ear.
The pegasus' blue cheeks tinted red. “Ooooooh.”
“Regardless of the nuances of translation, Pinkie Pie isn't the sort to really care about the academic differences, is she?” Rarity said. After a pause, she nudged Applejack.
“Oh, uh, right,” the cowpony said. “I figure the 'sister' thing is just 'bout where it ends. Ain't much for fancy old timey talk anyway. Now, if that's all settled, I'd better get back to the farm, make sure Applebloom hasn't caused too much of a ruckus.” Applejack tipped her hat to her friends and headed for the door. “See all y'all at Pinkie's schindig.”
“I, too, should be off. I've got a shipment of cloth I need to finish cataloging- especially if Pinkie Pie's going to be throwing an impromptu soiree in the near future.” Rarity nodded, and then left quickly on Applejack's hooves, which was entirely a matter of coincidence, really.
“So that's it?” Rainbow Dash shook her head, “guess I'll go do some weather stuff. Or maybe I'll take a nap and then do weather stuff. Later, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash zipped out of an open window for a surprising amount of speed for someone about to take a nap.
“I guess that's that.” Twilight said, and gently closed the dusty book. “Good thing I had this book handy, or else Pinkie Pie would still be going on about whatever her plan was.”
“You're the best-read pony in all of ponyville, Twilight. I'm not surprised you had something appropriate.” said Fluttershy.
“Aw, thanks!” Twilight smiled. “I just wish there were more problems that could be so easily solved through the proper research.”
“Actually, um, I had one question.” Fluttershy scraped at the library floor with one hoof, a process requiring her utmost attention. “Well, um, more of a request, really.”
“What's that, Fluttershy?”
“Can you … tell me more about the concubine thing? You know, uh, for research.”
