And He Has an Awesome Singing Voice
A/N: You can tell I wrote this when I was bored. Discord's song is sung to the tune of "I Wanna Be Just Like You" from Disney's Jungle Book. It is however, done in a mambo-style, similar to the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy cover of the song. If you wanna sing along, be my guest!
Shamefully, it had been one of those days, the kind where you get up knowing that tragedy is about to befall you. Twilight Sparkle had that premonition the moment her head left the pillow, knowing full-well today was going to go bust. Still, it was better to face the day than ignore it; she was still a scholar with many responsibilities and obligations.
She was not the only pony in Ponyville to receive this feeling, as her other friends did as well. Pinkie Pie in particular pondered over her perplexing premonition of pain and... something else bad beginning with a P. Rainbow Dash nearly didn't get out of bed at all until Derpy delivered her mail, which predictably ended with the destruction of the front door.
It was later that day, when the six bearers of the Elements of Harmony (has anypony else noticed how long that title is?) were caught inside a giant cage made of toast that they finally recognized what was going on. Discord had been freed, again; and like all the other times he'd been freed, it was for contrived reasons strictly due to fanfic writer's lack of imagination. It was for this same reason Applejack found herself strangely drawn to Rainbow Dash for the past couple of weeks.
As fiery penguins sailed in the sky and the sun began arguing with the forest over toilet paper, Discord laughed at his quarry. "You ponies! You always think you can stop me! Little did you know that I'm voiced by John de Lancie, which gaurantees my role as a recurring character!"
"Shoot pardner," Applejack said, "'Recurring' characters rarely get a scene or two in each episode. Heck, it's the reason Trixie an' Luna ain't had more'n one episode appearance."
Before she could say more, Discord removed a piece of toast from their prison and stuffed it in her mouth. "Hush, you." Applejack spat it out immediately--accursed whole-wheat! You'll never be white bread! NEVER!!!
"Anyway," continued the bringer of chaos, "Now that I have you in my prison, I'm going to sing about it."
Twilight gave him a confused stare. "Why?"
"Why, for the same reason you once sang a song about clearing snow, my dear. It drives the plot!"
"But there is no plot. This is basically just a scene."
"Want some whole-wheat?" Discord stuffed more toast into Twilight's mouth before she could answer, then snapped his fingers to turn the single slice of toast into several more slices than Twilight's face was prepared to handle. "Here you go!"
With a girlish twirl, Discord punched an owl, turning it into a piano. "Now then," he said as he sat down. He turned to you, the readers. "Let's rock this joint."
His fingers danced on the keys, producing a catchy mambo beat. Suddenly, the entirety of Ponyville around them began to produce additional music, underlaying the overall beat. Pinkie Pie couldn't help herself.
SHE. HAD. TO. DANCE!
The toast prison exploded as Pinkie Pie burst from it, sending all ponies inside into the air, where they saw Discord, this time without his piano. He began to tango with them as he sang, passing each partner off as gravity remembered it had a job to do.
Now I’m the chaos king
Who’s on top of things,
Everypony’s afraid of me
I’m over the top,
don’t wanna stop
Not afraid of you ponies
Finally, all the ponies landed with thick smacks in a pile on the checkered ground. Discord landed on them, striking a triumphant pose as he continued his song.
I’m gonna take this town, now, make myself at home
Turn this town upside down, my very own chaos zone
Suddenly, Twilight saw Discord tap his fingers on Fluttershy's and Pinkie Pie's foreheads, their colors rapidly fading. She whispered a terrified "no..."
So wooh-wooh-ooh,
I just wanna corrupt you
As the two discorded ponies began to fight with each other, Discord swept up the others and placed them on a conveyor belt. At the end of the conveyor belt was an open mouth, its teeth singing along with Discord's chorus as the girls all tried their damndest to escape the mouth.
Wanna break your crew, invert the things you do
Twist you in two!
A creep like me
Can do these things to you
As Discord finished his chorus, he revealed that the remaining four ponies were really running on thin air and that the conveyor belt was really just an image projected onto a screen behind them. They fell with a rather loud smack on the ground. The music continued into a bridge as the four got up. Applejack growled as she saw Discord before them, sitting on a lawn chair, working on his tan.
Twilight snarled as well. "Discord, you've gone too far this time! Your tricks are too mean-spirited to be any fun!"
Applejack ran at Discord, fully intent on giving him a hoof to the head, only for him to deflate like a balloon. Applejack tried to stop, but ended up getting tangled in the balloon decoy, fighting to get out of it. Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity pulled off the balloon to reveal Applejack, discolored and discorded.
"Applejack!" cried Rarity in shock, covering her mouth with both hooves. Before anypony could say any more, Applejack's mouth opened up and Discord stepped out to continue his song. A spotlight came on over the un-discorded ponies as glasses of orange juice wearing hula skirts began to circle around them, clinking together in an odd mix of toasting and dancing.
Hey, don’t you mess with me, ponies! Or tell me what to do!
I just require
My heart’s desire
And I don’t intend to lose
In the middle of that stanza, they all fell through the spotlight, down a shaft of light and finally landing on a pile of pirate gold. Rainbow Dash noted the way Rarity's pretty blue eyes suddenly became very figuratively green. She began to cackle wildly as she lost her color and dig through the pile of gold, the coins and goblets and jewels all laughing at her as she dove into them. Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle shared a disturbed glance as Rarity became swallowed in the treasure, which turned into mud before their very eyes. Rarity laughed orgasmically the whole time.
Just as sudden as their descent from the spotlight, Discord sprung up from behind them, wrapping his arms around them both like he was an old friend. He leaned in close to Rainbow Dash as he delivered the last part of the stanza, as if getting off on aggravating her misplaced and overblown sense of pride.
Celestia’s power’s useless now, you’re the closest thing she’s got
She says you’re the best,
But I contest;
The best is something you’re not!
"Hey!" Rainbow Dash cried angrily as she swung for Discord's face. Discord disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving poor Twilight on the receiving end of Rainbow Dash's wrath. The purple unicorn was flung like a baseball across Ponyville as a look of shock and horror spread across Rainbow's face. She felt the eagle's claw of Discord's left hand touch her head as everything around her became greyer.
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo
Don’t be so blue
It’s not a hue meant for you
Discord wrapped his arm around the discorded Rainbow Dash and gestured out to what remained of Ponyville: chaos, surrealism, and nonsense.
And I mean it, too
Just sit back and enjoy
The chaos that ensues!
Meanwhile, Twilight skidded across the checkered ground, and smashed against a giant salt shaker. She looked up at it, and jumped when she saw it rise. It began to chase her, shaking salt onto the ground; the ground the salt landed on catching fire. As she attempted to escape the monstrous seasoning, Twilight ran past her discorded friends as they sang along with Discord.
So wooh-wooh-ooh,
I just wanna corrupt you
Wanna break your crew, break you in two
Invert the things you do,
A creep like me
Can do these things to you
The mambo music pounding all around her, from every direction at once, with the salt shaker catching up to her, Twilight Sparkle used her magic horn to teleport away--away from all this madness. She found herself inside the entrance to Everfree forest. The mambo music was dying down now, but Twilight could still hear the refrain.
So wooh-wooh-ooh,
I just wanna corrupt you
Wanna break your crew, break you in two
Invert the things you do,
A creep like me
Can do these things to you
She looked back out to Ponyville, and sighed sadly. The situation had grown so terrible and desperate, despite the uplifting sound of the mambo beat. Soundly defeated during a song number--what were the odds? Twilight turned and walked deeper into the relative safety of Everfree, as anywhere was better than the madness behind her.
Suddenly, Twilight's face perked as she remembered something. Zecora. If she was living in this forest, there was likely no way for Discord's chaos to reach her. She would still be at her hut. She could still help!
Twilight broke into a gallop towards where hope lied...
