Not so Lonely Rhode of Inane Insanity

The sound of the train wheels clacking against the track was annoying. And so was the fat mare sitting opposite of me. Stop breathing so loud! I can’t hear myselves think.

“And speaking of ‘Myselves’, I’ve gotta hand it to ya kid, you’re one slippery eel for gettin’ out of treatment like that. You got my plus,” Crimson Knife whispered into my ear, chuckling to himself for a moment.

 “While it wasn’t the most honorable choice, we did need to be out of there to think properly. Nothing better than to be free-bound to help the people,” Battle Ready spoke, chivalry and all.

  “Logically speaking, it really wasn’t. You shouldn’t have lied to get out. Period. You needed the treatment to get rid of these… idiots.” Logical Mind calmly added, as the ruffling of his ‘glasses’ could have practically been heard.

 “Umm… whatever choice is fine I guess…” Shy Fly, my more… girly side whispered.

 “Honestly, how the hell did you get this bitch? Sure, Logic has his… fuckin’ smarts, and Battle Ready is more kick-ass, but Her? Pathetic” Knife snorted.

  “Actually, it’s common for psych patients to develop a gentle side in M.P.D. cases such as ours, most likely to fill in that ‘Kind, motherly role’ that most lacked in their lives, whereas you were a mere imprint from an uncouth Gryphon whom caused your father’s death, I was implemented to help Happy understand his world better, and Battle acts as a fatherly, protective figure,”

“Fuck. You. Just because you’re using big words doesn’t mean I don’t understand them… hey, Battle, what does ‘uncouth’ mean?”

“Sigh… ‘lacking in good manners, refinement, or grace’... happy?”

“Very,”

        Horsefeathers. Alright, my first voice ever achieved was Crimson Knife. He’s a bit… odd. He likes to hurt people, and it makes me feel funny when he… eats them. He laughs at things that shouldn’t be funny too. At least Battle Ready and Logical Mind help keep him away at least. Battle Ready is like a superhero. He likes to run in and save the day, and he never asks for anything in return. He always didn’t put up against some of the meaner ponies in the ward. And Logic has a really big brain. He knows a lot of big words, and seems to know how things work. Finally, there’s Shy Fly. I like her… she’s nice. She doesn’t talk much, but she knows how to make things feel better.

        “Happy Jack,” Ms. Hen started. “We’re about to meet your new family. They’re supposed to be at the train station, so look sharp, and please try to look happy, honey,”

  “Only two things this bitch cares about: Her paycheck, and her donuts. Don’t worry kid, in just three easy steps, I could get us off this train and out into the countryside,” Knife suggests, leaving brief images of blood and cutting fresh in my head. I keep my mouth shut. If they catch me talking to myself… they might put me back in the white room. I look out the window for a moment.

“It would be best not to. One wrong move, and you go back anyway,”

 “Hmmm… he’s right actually. Too many ponies. Three tough looking stallions at one table playing cards, a smokin mare and her little filly, hoo mama I’d tame that flank, and the little trolley colt walkin down the aisle with refreshments. We could use the trolley as a little charging shield, or bribe chubby pony here with the refreshments, greasy fat fuck she is, but we ain’t too tough yet,”

        “Sigh… you aren’t listening, are you young colt?” I heard Ms. Hen say. I turned back to her chubby face, and looked at her. “You’ll be living with some farm folk. I hear they take good care of their family. You’ll have plenty of fresh air and room to grow too… Hicks...“

  “Speaking of not tough enough, it’d be nice to get exercise for a change,” Battle suggested, sounding happy at the prospect of exercise.

        “Don’t worry Ms. Hen, I’ve been listening,” I said, looking back at her with a smile. A painfully fake smile, but a necessary smile at that. Ms. Hen couldn’t read emotion even if it was stapled to her eyelids.

  “Probably the reason the bitch is a ‘Ms’ and not a ‘Mrs’. Sometimes I wish I could find a nice white room for me and her to play in… I love painting, and red is my favorite color...”

“Which, in retrospect, makes our job of staying out of the ward much easier, though, I think she’d notice if we gave her an early demise,”

“Grumble, Grumble…”

        “Good. We’ve almost arrived at this backwater town, and you don’t want to make a bad impression. Again.” She sounded mad as she glared down at me, she had an unkind type of frown on her face.

        “Mmmhm,” I mumbled, looking out the window to my left and watching as the town came closer and closer. As it began to come into view, I could start to make out ponies, and every single damn one of them was smiling. It was unsettling.

“Oh, how I’d like to turn those smiles upside down… I wonder how many muscles connect the lips to the face… and how many stitches it would take… Hehehe~...”

 “Only one muscle I suppose. That would be the orbicularis oculi…”

“...”

“I am not giving you an approximation of the amount of stitches needed to sew it back onto the face!”

“Awwww~”

“Fellows, I don’t suppose you’ve noticed, but we have arrived,”

        “Jack? Stop gazing out of that window, child! I have things more important than you to deal with, so let’s get this over with,” Ms. Hen, of course.

“Mmm, er- sorry-,”

“Yeah, yeah. Come ’ere, the sooner the family takes you in the better,” Lightly shoving Happy Jack, he had to make a mental effort not to let Crimson come to the forefront of his mind.

        Soon, Happy and Ms. Hen were walking their way out of the passenger car of the train.

 “Let’s see! Who’re our new playmates?!” Happy could almost feel the sadistic grin in his voice as he spoke.

        Ms. Hen led the young colt out of his seat, and down the alley, in which they left through a door and off the train. As soon as he stepped hoof off of the train, he heard a squeaky, female voice.

        “Look! There’s mah new little brother!” It yelled, before tackling me to the ground.

 “WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?! WE’LL SLICE THIS BITCH INTO SALAMI! WHERE IS THIS…  those eyes… holy fuck man, they look like fucking shit. Like… two piles of steaming ass produced horse shit. Fuck this bitch, I want my money back. Cunt and all,”

 “Knife… that is the most horrible thing you could’ve said… and you’ve said plenty… Sigh, I’m talking about you of course…”

“Don’t you just fuckin’ know it?”

        The yellow filly with an apple red mane and amber eyes looked down on me with a wide grin. Her tail was wagging, and-

 “Those soulless ginger eyes,”

        … her eyes stared into mine.

        “I’m Applebloom! What’s yer name little brother?!” She yelled into my face.

 “SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK, TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!”

        “Agh, shut up!” Knife yelled out for me, before I widely opened my eyes and covered my muzzle with my forehooves.

        I looked down into the dirt shamefully.

        “S-sorry, you-u were a bit loud…” Shy took over and muttered.

 “Hmm… seems you’re splitting child. Try and rein it in,”

        “Yeah.. I think I got it…” I muttered back out, before looking at the befuddled Applebloom, with and even more worried looking orange cowpony behind her.

        “Sorry about that. You kinda… caught me off guard,” Shy and I muttered out together, before holding a hoof out and smiling weakly. “I’m Happy Jack, nice to meet you,”

        Without hesitation, she grabbed a hold of my hoof and shook it roughly, causing my teeth to chatter slightly.

        “I trust you are the ‘Applejack’ whom will be taking care of this child?” Ms. Hen snorted.

        ‘Applejack’ looked at Ms. Hen with a smile.

        “At’d be me ma’am. Pleasure to meet ya,” Applejack said, reaching a hoof out to the snobbish mare.

        “Hmph, yes, well we have much to discuss, and papers to sign” She said with a hoity toity.

        Applejack then looks at the colt and filly with a shit-eating grin.

        “How about you two get to know each other a little better. Me and Ms. Hen need to sort a few more things out,”

        Without a seconds notice, AB grabbed Happy by the hoof and drags him away from the two mares, and over at a bench. Applebloom took a seat, with Happy Jack doing so as well.

        “Soooo… what should we talk about?” I asked, looking at Applebloom.

“Talk about your sex lives,”

“Shut up, Knife,”

        “Well, where’d y’all come from?” She asked, shuffling in her seat.

        “Coltifornia… I guess…” I mumbled.

        “You guess?” Applebloom asked with a raised eyebrow.

        “Yeah… after my dad died…”

        “Oh… What about-”

        “Her too”

        “Oh…”

 “Grr~, I can’t stand the fuckin’ silence! Say something!”

        “I… uh… where are we going after this,”

        “Home o’ course! Sweet Apple Acres, pride of Ponyville!”

        “Oh… nice?” I said, not sure what else to think.

        “Oh it’s great there! We got pigs, cows, sheep, and apple trees as far as the eye can see!”

        “Cows… sheep… aren’t they… uhhh… what’s the word…”

“Sapient?”

        “...sapient?”

        Applebloom looks at me confused.

        “What does that mean?”

 “It means-”

        “Awrighty then, everything’s set! Let’s head on home!”

        “Wow, it’s…” I was at a loss for words.

“Beautiful?”

“Gay?”

 “Celestia damn it Knife, would you stop with your childishness for five seconds?”

“What? Gay means happy, doesn’t it?”

“We damn well know what you meant, knave,”

        “Heh, breathtakin, ain’t it?”

        “Yeah…” I trailed off, not able to finish as I kept looking at the endless sea of trees.

        “C’mon sugarcube, there’s more to it than just the trees. I’ll show you around the farm!” The Inbred farm bitch said, full of shit.

“T-that’s… not nice, Knife,”

“I know it’s not. You want nice? Here, what you wanna do is go down Candy Cane Lane, take a right on Marshmellow Avenue, then make a stop at ‘the hole’. Crawl in there, go fuck yourself, and die,”

“Oh… alright…”

        “Welcome home! This is where y’all be staying,” Applejack said, pointing to the house with her hoof.

        “Home?” I asked.

        “Well o’ course, silly! This is where yer stayin’!”

        “Oh… right,” I said, looking the house up and down.

        Applejack begins to walk forward towards the two story farm house, and I lag behind her, taking in the surroundings as we approach the door...