Sour Sweet, the Christmas Parade Critic

by Nico-Stone Rupan

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Sour Sweet, Doctor Whooves, Second Person, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Self Insert, Equestria Girls
Length: 2489

You take your girlfriend, Sour Sweet to go see the city’s Christmas parade. Also, Derpy seeks Time Turner's autograph.

You take your girlfriend, Sour Sweet to go see Canterlot City’s Christmas parade. Naturally, she mocks the whole thing.

Also, Derpy seeks the autograph of the parade’s Guest of Honor, Time Turner, star of the Doctor Whooves TV series… and it may only be up to her best friend, Rainbow Dash to make that happen!

( Serves as a follow-up to Riding Into the Future as well, however it's not required reading to enjoy )

Published 2015-12-28 09:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-28 09:30:06 UTC

She Watches ‘Em So You Don’t Have To!

Author's Note

For the annoying reason that this fic is a few days late for Christmas, refer to my blog post.

When Sour Sweet’s dialogue is presented in italics she’s sweet, in bold she’s sour, and in plain type she’s a normal human being ( It's a Christmas miracle! )

She Watches ‘Em So You Don’t Have To!

You had thought it would be a nice idea to take your girlfriend to the Canterlot City Christmas Parade. You thought it would be. Clearly, you keep forgetting that your girlfriend’s name is Sour Sweet:

“It looks as though everyone is eager for the show to begin!" she gushes, her hands clasping next to her cheek. She then suddenly scowls, drops her hands, and adds, "Come on! Let’s get this CRAP over with already!”

She certainly is right about the crowd being all set for things to get going. The turnout is incredible tonight! Most people are standing, some have brought along lawn chairs, and some sit in their vehicles parked all along the parade route. Children are littered everywhere, many holding bags to collect the candy that will be tossed out to them.

Venders are pushing carts up and down the street selling souvenirs such as glow sticks as well as snacks such as popcorn and cotton candy. Some have brought their own food, though. Parked across the street, you spot Rarity and her parents who had the cool idea to bring several boxes of pizza, even offering some to those closest by to them. You laugh as Rarity startles several people by ponying up and lifting off the ground encased in a bright, purple glow right after generously handing over a slice. Curiously though, you don’t see Sweetie Belle anywhere around.

Definitely the most unusual sight for an evening such as this is the sheer amount of Doctor Whooves fans present. You can’t look anywhere without spotting a “KEEP CALM AND TRUST THE DOCTOR” T-Shirt, a fez atop somebody’s head, or even a full cosplay of one of the Doctor’s many regenerations. The reason for this being that somehow the city was able to afford to hire the famous actor, Time Turner, of who played the Tenth Doctor on the hit show, to appear tonight as the special Guest of Honor. Not surprisingly, he was what the parade had been the most heavily promoted with for weeks.

“Sour, it’s not going to be that bad,” you try to assure her. “Give it a chance.”

The growing sound of the tune of “Jingle Bell Rock” catches everybody’s attention. All eyes dart down the street as the parade is officially kicked off with the approach of the Canterlot High School Marching Band.

“Hey, look, they’re opening with the Wondercolts! Putting those losers upfront can only be a sure sign of the terrible quality we’re going have to endure.”

“Wait a minute,” you say, squinting. “Look at their Drum Majorette. The one with the hair buns. She looks a lot like you.”

Sour Sweet raises an eyebrow. “I don’t see any resemblance.”

“No, really! It’s like you two could be twins or something.”

“My parents were blessed with just one child. Sorry to rain on any perverted twin fantasy you may have had.”

Following Canterlot High’s band, comes Mayor Mare’s float. It has signs posted all over it which read, “MARE FOR RE-ELECTION”. It’s even accessorized by random, waving children no doubt borrowed from supporters.

“So shameless and exploitive,” Sour Sweet grumbles. “POLITICIANS having floats in CHRISTMAS parades should constitute a violation of the Separation of Church and State.”

“EQUALITY FOR ALL!!!”

Starlight Glimmer rides by, screaming into a megaphone in one hand and waving around the Staff of Sameness in the other as if she thinks it makes her look regal or something. The cult leader is up front on a very plain float baring only two poles holding up a white banner displaying a large black equal sign. She is accompanied by some of her followers who are standing at attention in two straight lines, all wearing matching, purple military-style uniforms with berets as well as sporting their usual spooky smiles. Starlight is indeed wearing the same uniform as the rest. Her beret, however, is special in that it sports a small, silver equal sign on it.

“DIFFERENCE HOLDS SOCIETY BACK!!!" Starlight proclaims to the crowd. "LET US ALL UNITE TOGETHER AND CONFORM AS ONE!!!”

Sour Sweet holds her hand out. “Case and point. Now we got the COMMUNIST PARTY out here!”

An array of horses trot by with riders dressed in full cowboy attire.

“Oh, what majestic creatures! They better not DROP THEIR APPLES everywhere in the street! Horses are so smelly and disgusting!”

“Ahem.”

Sour Sweet turns her head to see an annoyed Sunset Shimmer right next to her.

“I meant horses in THIS world, not YOURS, Bacon Hair.”

Sunset just rolls her eyes.

A variety of farm equipment then starts riding by. A few of them even look to you to be antique and extremely well maintained.

“Ooh, first cowboys, now farmers? Who knew there were this many HICKS around here?”

“Ah heard that!” Applejack shouts as she drives by on the Sweet Apple Acres tractor.

You frown. “Sour Sweet, can you please stop offending everybody and just enjoy the parade?”

Sour Sweet tilts her head up in a snooty fashion. “When I see something here that can be enjoyed, I will consider it.”

You slap your forehead.

“Hey, y'all two!”

You and Sour Sweet look over to see Braeburn next to his pickup truck not too far down the crowd. He’s staring daggers straight at the both of you.

“Would ya git yer youngin?!” he demanded, pointing up.

It’s then that you both notice that the top of the truck’s cab is being repeatedly hit and scratched by a bouncing limb, which is being caused by the intentional kicking by a small boy up within the small tree planted by the sidewalk right next to it.

“Sir, that little angel does not belong to us!” Sour Sweet calls to inform him.

A woman then runs over and snatches the boy out of the tree, yelling, “What did I tell you about behaving yourself?! We’re going home!”

The boy kicks and screams as he’s carried off.

Sour Sweet throws up her arms and fumes, “Okay, SERIOUSLY? That guy thought WE were that brat’s parents?!”

“Well, a lot of teenagers like us are having kids these days…” you have to admit.

“No child of ours would be THAT ugly.”

The implication of that quip fills you up with a sense of pride. Just before you began to date Sour Sweet, you discovered that her schizophrenia is the cause of an inferiority complex, especially about her appearance, which she uses her attitude and mood swings to help mask. You are so glad to hear that your love and care have succeeded in helping her to see the beauty she had always had. Of course, there is the fact that she’s now insulting other’s children because of it. You sigh. One character development at a time, you suppose…

Blaring sirens bring your and Sour Sweet’s attention back to the parade as they signal the coming of the fire trucks. Fully suited firefighters walk alongside them, waving to the crowd and handing out candy to the kids.

“Every firefighter in Canterlot City must be here tonight! Who’s making sure it’s not BURNING DOWN right now?!”

Now it’s the Crystal Prep Academy Marching Band’s turn to go by, performing the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”.

Sour Sweet cups her hands to her mouth and shouts, “You’re out of step! You’re SHADOWBOLTS for crying out loud! MARCH like it!”

A float approaches proudly displaying a large, blue ribbon with the words, “1ST PLACE WINNER” on the front. Over it, a sign reads, “SANTA’S WORKSHOP PRESENTED BY SUGARCUBE CORNER”. It’s loaded with whimsical pastry themes and includes a workbench covered with toys in the center. Sitting around it and waving to everybody, you see several of Canterlot High’s freshmen who are all wearing adorable elf costumes, consisting of Snips, Snails, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and, oh, there’s Sweetie Belle!

Also on the float is a big object which is covered up with a white sheet. Pinkie Pie, also dressed as an elf, skips over and rips it off to reveal a Party Cannon… one that’s aimed right at the crowd.

“Okie dokie, kids, here it comes!” she cheerfully announces, about to pull the string.

Instantly, Sweetie Belle shoots up from the workbench and cries, “Pinkie, that Party Cannon isn't filled with candy, is it?! That could seriously hurt somebody!”

Pinkie Pie giggles. “Would I be silly billy enough to load a Party Cannon with a bunch of small, deadly but flavorful projectiles?”

Up the string goes. Before they could even brace themselves, a large section of the crowd is splattered all over with a bright pink, creamy substance.

“I would load it with strawberry frosting, though!” Pinkie Pie exclaims with a smile and a squee.

The moment so many in the crowd have been waiting so anxiously for all night has finally arrived: the coming of the Doctor Whooves Float. It’s adorned with themes and meticulous detail straight from the series, complete with the Doctor’s TARDIS and even has some of his villains present, including a Dalek and a Cyberman.

“It’s him! It’s him, Rainbow Dash!”

You look down the crowd to see Derpy bouncing up and down ecstatically right beside an amused Rainbow Dash.

“Settle down, Derps,” Rainbow Dash chuckles. “I know he’s your favorite Doctor, but take it down a few notches, will ya?”

“Allons-y!!!” the centerpieced Time Turner then shouts happily, forcing a loud, collective fangasm from all the Whoovians.

Sour Sweet just scoffs, “The Fourth Doctor is the one they should have gotten. He would have tossed out jelly babies.”

Finally, it’s the big guy’s float. Santa Claus sits upon a huge, grand sleigh surrounded by a beautiful snowy theme, even detailed with a little signpost which reads “WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE” in the front right corner. He reaches into a bag right next to him and pulls out a handful of candy canes.

“Ho! Ho! Ho! Meeeerrrry Christmas, everyone!” he wishes as he flings them out to the crowd.

Suddenly, one of those clear-wrapped peppermint hooks whacks Sour Sweet square in the forehead.

“Oh, dear sweet Celestia,” you find yourself muttering with complete and utter dread.

Why you just invoked the name of Canterlot High’s principle, you have no idea, but that doesn’t take away from the gravity of what is about to happen.

“DID THAT HOLLY JOLLY S.O.B. JUST DO THAT ON PURPOSE?!?” Sour Sweet roars, about to lunge forward.

You instantly wrap your arms around your girlfriend to prevent her from running straight over and climbing up the float to beat St. Nick to oblivion in front of all the innocent children. This actually brings back pleasant memories of your first date where you had to hold Sour Sweet back from tackling one of the waiters of the Italian restaurant for giving her a salad fork that had a spot on it. Oh, how she looked ravishing that evening…

Thanks to you, Santa’s passage is a safe one as the parade concludes. Some people begin walking home, some start packing up their lawn chairs, and some start up their cars to prepare themselves for the horrific traffic jam which they are about to receive.

Sour Sweet finally calms down in your arms, looks around, and bemoans, “Is it over already? I’ve never seen a SHORTER parade in my life! What a gyp!”

You smile and shake your head. “Let’s get you home, Sour Sweet.”

The two of you stroll a short distance up the street. You both then can’t help but to stop and observe the immense crowd of screaming fanboys and fangirls surrounding the parked Doctor Whooves float. Time Turner is still on top, kneeling at the edge to sign the photos of himself as well as all kinds of DW memorabilia handed up to him. At the very outskirts, you spot Derpy and Rainbow Dash eagerly awaiting their chance to get closer.

Just then, someone comes up next to Turner on the float ( likely his agent ) and yells out to the crowd, “Sorry, folks! No more autographs! Time Turner’s got to go now!”

The crowd unanimously groans in disappointment.

“Oh Rainbow Dash, now I’ll never get to meet him!” you hear Derpy sadly whimper.

“Not on my watch!” you hear Rainbow Dash proclaim.

Right before your and Sour Sweet’s very eyes, Rainbow Dash sweeps a surprised Derpy into her arms and lifts her body straight up over her head. She then charges straight into the crowd, plowing aside everyone in her way. She makes it up to the front before a startled Time Turner.

“Hey, Doctor! Got your biggest fan right here!” Rainbow Dash proudly shouts as she presents Derpy up to him.

From where you are, it seems to you that Time Turner takes notice of Derpy’s wall-eyes and develops a look of sympathy.

“Brilliant!” he then states with a smile.

Time Turner takes Derpy by the hands and pulls her right up onto the float next to him. He signs the photo she hands over and, as if that wasn’t enough, then gives her a small kiss on the cheek. Even as far away as you are, you can clearly see the crimson brightness of Derpy’s face as well as the enormous grin. The crowd erupts in a huge round of applause for her.

Rainbow Dash, due to her act of loyalty, suddenly ponies up and rises into the air. She glances around to see that everyone is continuing to cheer for her friend, not even paying attention to the tomboy currently levitating. For one of the rare times, Rainbow Dash smiles at the fact that she isn’t the center of attention. This moment rightfully belongs to Derpy.

You glance over to see your girlfriend growing a warm smile as she witnesses the scene.

“Sweet, isn’t it, Sour?” you ask with a smirk.

She shoots her head to you, eyes wide from having been caught off guard. She then tries to scowl, but slowly softens back up before quietly admitting, “Yes.”

“Hey, let’s check if your heart just grew three sizes, shall we?” you joke, playfully reaching toward her chest.

“Oh, stop it!” she laughs, slapping your hand away.

You then reach your arm around her shoulder and start guiding her on her way home.

“I wasn’t too insufferable tonight, was I?” she asks with a small tinge of guilt.

“No more than usual,” you tease. “But, even if you were, you know I’ll always happily suffer your insufferableness.”

She gives you a tender kiss on the cheek. “Merry Christmas, you masochist.”

“Merry Christmas, Sour Sweet.”

THE END