Not Feeling Anything

by LavaBubble

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1863

Pinkie is there for so many other ponies. She makes them smile. When she's feeling sad though, who can make her smile?

Pinkie Pie is a normally happy, bouncy pony. She laughs and smiles more than anypony else, and she can make everyone else smile too! But, she's just a pony. She's prone to sadness and depression like anyone else. When she's feeling down, who can make her happy? Herself?

Published 2015-12-28 09:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-28 09:50:01 UTC

Nothing

The inside of her room was colorful, but she could not see it. In fact, she could not see anything. Well, she technically could see, but she chose not to. Normally, she would look around a lot more. Not sporadically, but enough to keep aware of her surroundings and other’s emotions.

The colors right now looked dim and grey, almost like the world had entered a Noire styled film. The weather outside was bright and beautiful, but she could only feel a grey cloud hovering over her. There wasn’t any rain falling either; it was just a thick grey cloud. She had been staring forward for a while now, and her body had become numb to the point where she could not feel anything.

She sighed. There was not anything that she could do. She didn’t realize it, but her stomach was growling and hungry. Her lips felt chapped and in need of water, but she didn’t realize that either. She sighed again.

When she did finally move, she reached down and took a lock of hair in her hoof. It was straight, and it was limp in her grasp. She stared at it for a minute, but her expression remained the same. Dull and unhappy. If there was any word that she could use to describe unhappy multiplied by infinity, then that would be the word. She wasn’t even really thinking of that right now. She sighed again.

A knock sounded from her door, but she kept staring at her hoof and her hair. Another knock came, but it sounded hollow, and that made her feel even worse. Another knock, and this time, a voice accompanied it.

“Pinkie? You in there?”

There was no answer. The pony outside couldn’t even tell there was someone inside. This time, the doorknob jiggled, but to no avail. It was locked from the inside.

“Hey, Pinkie! Why’d ya lock the door?”

There came another jiggle, then three knocks, then a frustrated sigh. There was silence for a bit, and then the voice sounded softer.

“Pinkie? You ok in there?”

Pinkie continued to stare at her hair. Her bright blue eyes were half closed in an expression of unhappiness. She didn’t know what was going on outside her door, but what her subconscious might have perceived seemed to nullify the noise. She thought it might have been a few kicks to knock down the door, and maybe even the success in knocking it down.

There might have been a few more words, and then a tugging at the tail, which wouldn’t have worked as she was practically rooted to the spot. Then the voice and the tugging were gone. Then the room was gone. Then the floor, and the walls, and the furniture, and the whole world were gone. There was nothing left but her. She sighed again. There was nothing to smell, there was nothing to see, and there was nothing to feel. How had she even been able to feel before? How could she know if she could even feel at all anymore? She figured that it really didn’t matter.

Is this what nothing is like?

Ahead of her in the darkness, she saw something move. The only reason that it even caught her eye in the first place was because it was pink. It was very pink. It was pink all over except for certain places. If it had eyes, she wondered if they could stare into her soul.

She didn’t want to move. She wanted to stay rooted to the spot, even though there was nothing around or above or beneath her. Right now, it looked like the only thing that existed other than her was in front of her. She decided to take a chance.

Slowly, the pink mare rose to her hooves and began to trot over towards the other pink object. As she neared closer, she could tell that whatever it was, it was walking towards her as well. For every hoofstep that she took, it took that very same hoofstep. Right, left, right, left, right, left, and so on until it was in front of her.

It wasn’t smiling. Or, at least, it wasn’t happy smiling. It’s expression was sad, but it was nowhere near as sad as her own expression was. Its mane and tail were curly and bouncy, and her posture was better. It’s bright blue eyes were sparkling, but hers were dulled.

“Come on now. You’ve got to cheer up.”

It reached out and touched her. She didn’t like that. She didn’t want it to, but she didn’t move regardless. She didn’t make any noise. The pink pony in front of her lifted her face. Now she was staring directly into the pony’s blue eyes. Something cringed inside her, as if this pony was trying to read her. How could she? How dare she? Why would she?

“Smile.”

Finally, the mare spoke. “No.”

The mare in front of her seemed disappointed, but her sad smile never faltered. “Why not?”

“Why should I? Why should I be happy? It doesn’t last. Nothing does.”

“That’s why you need to enjoy it while you can. You don’t live forever.”

“Why even bother? Nothing really matters.”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

“Just because.”

The mare actually felt something. There was a tiny flare inside of her, almost like a candle being lit. She felt it start in her chest, and make its way up to her brain in a matter of milliseconds. Frustration. Irritation. Her body did not express it outwardly, but her voice had a layer of coldness to it. She could feel a strange warm aura resonating from this mare. Was it happiness? It was infuriating, but it was something that she herself wanted. She wanted it so badly. She wanted it to replace these dark thoughts. She could not express herself perfectly, but she tried the best she could with words.

“I’m annoying. I’m annoying, and my friends hate me, and everypony else hates me, and I can never truly be happy. Do you know why?”

The mare answered before the other mare could. “Because all I do is go around everyday day of my life trying to make others happy. But it’s pointless. I can try to make others feel happy, but I will never know of happiness myself. Don’t you realize?”

The mare’s hoof never once removed itself. It stayed pressed against the sad mare’s cheek. “I do.”

The mare looked up at her in confusion.

“I do understand. It’s like a great big hole that you want to get out of, and you see so many others trotting along on the surface, and you want to be up there with them. You try to climb out of the hole, but you can’t. All you do is just dig yourself deeper and deeper, and the deeper and deeper you get, the more and more it hurts. And you don’t want that hurt, but after so long of being in that hole, you begin to forget what it’s like to be on the surface. You even come to enjoy it, even though you never really do. I understand that. That’s why I, you, we make others feel happy, so that they may experience it less themselves.”

The mare looked at herself. Her Happiness was still smiling that same sad smile.

“Everypony feels sad sometimes, and it’s ok to feel sad. But it’s ok to feel happy too.”

The sad mare could feel her eyes trailing downward again. She felt herself look up, however, as her Happiness lifted her face.

“Remember our song? It’s true some days are dark and lonely, and maybe you feel sad, but Pinkie will be there to show you that it isn’t that bad.”

Pinkie’s Sadness stared at her Happiness. She did. She did remember the song. She herself had created that part, and included it specifically in the song. That was her life. Her life was bringing happiness and laughter and joy and so many other things to others. It was why she existed.

Pinkie’s Sadness nodded. She had thought that her tears had all been cried away, but she had been wrong. She had thought that her emotions had all disappeared, but she was wrong. She could feel her eyes becoming wet, but she held the tears back as best as she could.

“I do,” She spoke while nodding, “I do remember.”

The expression on Pinkie’s Happiness changed. The smile changed from a sad smile to a slightly less sad smile. There was not much of a physical change, but Pinkie’s Sadness could still tell.

"I'm here for you, and so many others are too. I can't live without you. We need each other. Otherwise, we may as well not even try. I'll be there for you. Can you be there for me?"

It would not be easy. Nothing was ever easy. Pinkie's Sadness began to think that nothing really mattered at all, but she didn't want to. Using every bit of strength that she could, she pushed that thought away. Summoning strength that she didn't even know she had anymore, she nodded. Her voice was almost a hoarse whisper.

"I will. I promise."

Pinkie's Happiness smiled that same slightly unhappy smile.

“Then remember the other part of the song.”

Pinkie’s Sadness remembered.

“Smile.”

Pinkie’s Sadness smiled.

***

Pinkie Pie awoke with a start. She looked around the room for a minute, and she happened to glance out the window, where the rest of Ponyville was already up and about. The sight made her happy. Then she remembered the dream. Happily bounding out of bed, she bounced over to the mirror, making sure that she didn’t have a bed head this morning.

“Whoo! What a doozy of a dream that was!”

Making sure that her hair was in its own chaotic order, she bounced over to the window and looked out. The weather looked absolutely fantabulous today, and she could see that Ponyville looked remarkably normal, which wasn’t normal at all.

“I know! I’ll throw a party today! They’ll never see it coming!”

Giggling to her own antics that only she ever understood, Pinkie bounced out the door. At this point, the previous night’s dream had been forgotten. After all, it was just another beautiful day in Ponyville to her, and who knew what that would bring?

There had been something that she had missed however. When she had looked in her mirror, she hadn’t really noticed much about her expression, or about how the way she looked. She looked fine, but for a brief moment, something had flashed in the mirror; something that she never really noticed.

Her Sadness had been there for a second, and it had smiled at her. It was not a slightly unhappy smile.

Author's Note

Well, that was indeed a doozy. I hope that it wasn't too confusing. I capitalized different emotions so that hopefully, you could tell the difference between something that Pinkie was feeling as opposed to her actual emotion (if that makes any sense). Anyhoo, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!

Comments and criticism are always welcome!