Spike's Civic Doodie

by anotheraccount

Rating: teen
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 2651

Spike is left alone in the library to guard the Elements of Harmony. Knowing that there is a good chance of a changeling infiltration, Spike prepares an unusual defense. One that Queen Chrysalis will remember for a rather long time.

This story is not my usual style of writing...it is a gift for another fimfiction user.
Warning: gross humor
Warning: lots of potty humor
Twilight and her friends leave on a secret mission that will take a few weeks, and they leave Spike alone in the library to guard the Elements of Harmony. Knowing that a changeling infiltration attempt is likely, Spike prepares an unusual defense. Queen Chrysalis will remember, and possibly regret, her attempt at stealing the Elements for a long, long, time.

Seriously, though, if you are turned off by potty humor...don't read this.

Published 2015-12-28 00:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-28 00:50:02 UTC

Spike's Civic Doodie

Spike’s Civic Doodie

Spike looked around the main room of the library and watched as Twilight and her friends prepared to go off on another important quest. Twilight and Rainbow Dash were standing at a table, looking down at a map and discussing the best route to take. Applejack was double-checking the contents of her saddlebags and repacking them. Rarity and Fluttershy stood by a bookshelf and discussed the protection they would need from cold weather. Pinkie Pie was the most entertaining pony to watch. She pronked around the room, going from one group to another, until she hopped over to Spike and sat down.

“So, Spike,” Pinkie Pie said as she looked down at the young dragon. “Are you sure you’re gonna be ok for a week or two by yourself in the library?” The noise in the room lessened as Pinkie Pie awaited an answer from Spike.

Shrugging, Spike looked up and answered, “Sure, no sweat. I’ll be fine here, and it’s not like there aren’t any ponies around that I could ask for help if needed. I’m a lot more worried about the trip that you all are taking.” Spike looked down at the floor and scratched the back of his neck. “The Crystal Empire is far enough away...why can’t you take the train?”

Pinkie Pie bounced once and giggled. “Silly Spike, we’re going on a super-duper-tip-top-secret mission to discuss security measures with…” Pinkie Pie looked back and forth, then leaned closer to Spike. She raised her hoof to the side of her mouth and loudly whispered, “Princess Cadence and Shining Armor”. She leaned back, looked around, and then smiled. Pinkie Pie was quite satisfied that no spies had heard her reveal classified information that the point of their trip to the Crystal Empire involved talking with Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, among others.

“Um, Pinkie,” Spike said as he looked over at the mare sitting beside him, “it can’t really be a secret that you are going to see them. You guys usually see them each time you are up that way.” Spike tapped his chin. “Actually, it is usually the reason you go up that way.”

Pinkie Pie quickly covered Spike’s mouth with her hoof. “Shhhhhhh!”

Spike rolled his eyes and gave a muffled “Ok.”

Grinning, Pinkie Pie removed her hoof from Spike’s mouth. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to check the kitchen again to make sure that our munchies,” Pinkie quickly coughed and cleared her throat, “I mean travel rations, are still in good condition for travelling.”

Spike watched as Pinkie pronked over into the kitchen, and heard a slight growl coming from Pinkie’s stomach.

All too soon, the ponies gathered their supplies and started walking towards the door. When only Twilight was left in the room with Spike, she walked over and gave him a nuzzle. “Spike, we’re counting on you. We will be gone for a few weeks, and we need you to protect the Elements of Harmony.”

Spike looked up at Twilight with worry. “Why can’t you take the Elements with you? Your trip is going to be dangerous. What if you get attacked and need them to fend off a powerful villain?” Spike reached around Twilight’s neck and gave her a hug. “I don’t want you to get hurt...this quest of yours sounds really dangerous.”

Returning the hug, Twilight looked down at Spike and said, “When we arrive at the Crystal Empire, we will need to handle the situation very delicately. We will be meeting with some...dignitaries...and we cannot appear to be bringing weapons to greet them.” Twilight sighed, and tried to not show her worry. “If things go well at the meeting, many will benefit. We can’t take any chances of ruining this.”

“But,” Spike started to argue, but was cut off by Twilight.

“Shh, it will be ok. Princess Celestia will be sending a few guards to travel with us. They will be in disguise, and even though they will not be armed or wearing armor, they are highly trained in hoof-to-hoof combat. We’ll be fine, Spike. As my number one assistant it is your job to keep the library running, and your duty to keep the Elements safe.”

Spike stepped a few steps back from Twilight. He looked up at her and nodded. “I will.”

Twilight nodded. “Be careful, Spike. We have reason to believe that the changelings may try to make a move during our absence. Don’t let your guard down...we cannot let the changelings get their hooves on the Elements of Harmony.”

Spike nodded, and gave Twilight a salute. “Don’t worry, Twilight. The Elements will be protected...I will take my duty very seriously.”

Twilight smiled, turned around, and walked through the door to join her friends outside. Spike watched them walk away, and then closed the library door once he could no longer see the group.

Standing alone in the middle of the library, Spike took a deep breath and slowly released it. “Ok, Spike,” he said to himself, “we need to think about how to protect the Elements. As Twilight said, it is our duty.” Spike blinked twice, and then quickly raised a claw to cover his mouth as he started giggling. “Heh heh, duty sounds like doodie.”

*-*-*-*

The library was calm for the next three days. On the evening of the third day, however, Spike heard a knocking at the library’s door. He put down his comic book on a table and then walked over towards the door. He opened the door and saw Twilight standing on the doormat. Her mane was messed up and had leaves and twigs sticking out of it, and her coat was darkened with mud. Her saddlebags were torn, and they no longer contained any supplies.

“Spike, it was terrible!” Twilight yelled as she rushed in and gave him a hug. “We were ambushed by an ancient monster that had escaped from Tartarus! We need the Elements of Harmony.” She raised a hoof to the side of her muzzle. “We should never have left them here. I barely escaped, but the others scattered to safe locations.” She started walking up the stairs to the second floor. “Get the Elements ready for me. I am going to take a quick shower...this mud does not please me.”

Spike watched as “Twilight” walked up the stairs. Heh heh, showtime, Spike thought to himself. There were hoofsteps walking along the second floor, and they stopped where the second floor’s bathroom door was located. He carefully listened to the sounds in the library and then jumped at the loud exclamation that followed the the sound of a door opening.

“Holes in the leg, what is that unwholesome stench?!?!”

With great effort, Spike kept himself from grinning. Letting a changeling curse slip? The preparations are going well so far. He ran upstairs to stand by not-Twilight at the entrance to the bathroom. He looked up and saw her holding a hoof in front of her nose. Upon looking closer, he saw that her face was turning a mild shade of green. Hmm...is that a conscious effort on the disguise, or a real reaction bleeding through the disguise? Well, no time to analyze that now.

Spike looked up at not-Twilight and gave her an innocent expression. “Erm, well, I wasn’t expecting you to return for another week yet. I kinda, sorta, raided my stash of dragon junk food.”

The changeling in disguise looked down at Spike. “Oh?”

Spike rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, you hate it when I eat that stuff. Since you were away I couldn’t resist. I made myself some eggs, poured them on top of some high-fiber hay fries, and then loaded them up with garlic, hot peppers, curry powder, and a very generous serving of fool’s gold. You said something about sulfur content in fool’s gold, but I can’t remember what exactly it was.” Spike put on a sad expression and shook his head. “Unfortunately, the toilet clogged yesterday afternoon. I tried to fix it, but the plungers kept melting away.”

The changeling looked to where Spike was pointing and her eyes widened as she saw three wooden sticks that were leaning against the wall. One was melting onto the floor, and the other two had severe burn marks at the bottom. She held her breath and bravely walked into the bathroom, heading towards the window. As she approached, she could hear occasional bubbles coming from under the closed lid of the toilet. She looked at the toilet and shuddered, and then continued towards the window. She raised one hoof and tried to open the window, but it would not budge. She stood on her back legs and tried opening the window with both front hooves, but it still would not open.

“Oh yeah, I forgot...the window won’t open either. I had to nail it shut that night of the bad storm. I must have forgotten to remove the nails,” Spike said as he watched the not-Twilight struggle with the window. Heh heh heh, wait for it… he thought to himself.

Spike struggled to keep a straight face as the changeling stopped holding her breath and began to yell at him. “Oh, come on! What is wrong with you?” yelled not-Twilight. “Nailing shut a window serves no purpose during a storm. You cover the outside of the window with wooden planks, not nail the window shut!”

The changeling, after her her yell had used all of the breath that she had been holding in her lungs, took a deep breath. She coughed twice, and her eyes quickly watered and released tears. Her muzzle took on a severe crinkle as she quickly vacated the bathroom. She stepped beside Spike and then slammed the bathroom door shut. She took deep breaths and coughed, making unpleasant retching sounds. “I don’t need a shower. Just get me the Elements,” she said as she began walking downstairs to the main room in the library.

Spike followed the changeling downstairs. Phase one? Check. He followed not-Twilight to the case in front of the bookshelves. Commencing phase two. Spike stood beside the changeling as she looked down at the empty display case that normally held the Elements. *pfft* Silent, but deadly! Heh heh heh... *pfft*

The not-Twilight looked at Spike. “Why is this case empty? Don’t we normally keep the Elements here on display?”

Spike nodded. “Yeah, we usually do. Discord sometimes likes to hide them, though. Last time he hid them, we found ‘em in a book.”

“In a book?” asked the changeling before she gave an exasperated sigh. “Fine. Go and get me the stepladder.”

Spike happily ran to the other side of the room to collect the ladder. He returned and set it up for the imposter. He smiled, looked at the not-Twilight, and said “Here, I’ll hold it still for you.” *Pfft*

The changeling smirked and started climbing. “That’s better.” *pfft* The changeling stepped up a few steps and selected the first book in the row. She sniffed, shook her head, and continued searching.

*pfft* “Keep looking,” Spike said encouragingly. “The last time we found them in a book it was near the top shelf.” *pfft* And warm air rises, thought Spike in a singsong mental voice.

The changeling chose another book and started flipping through the pages. *pfft* She sniffed, crinkled her muzzle, and looked down at Spike. “You should really call the plumber soon...that bathroom is not fit to be around.”

“Ok, I will.” *pffRRRRTTT* Spike giggled as the imposter looked at him with a furious expression on her face. “Oops, sorry.”

“Go somewhere else. I will call you if I need you,” the changeling snapped at Spike.

Spike turned around and headed over to the couch. He sat on the couch, slouched down, and picked up his comic book. Phase two...Check!

*-*-*-*

An hour later, the changeling stomped over towards Spike as he slouched down on the couch and read his comic book. Spike looked up at a furious not-Twilight that was standing right in front of him. And now, for the grand finale, thought Spike as he put down his comic book.

“The Elements aren’t even in this room, are the?” asked the changeling in a voice dripping with venom.

Spike scratched his chin. “Well, it’s possible that they might not be. You never can be entirely too sure sometimes.”

The changeling reared up on her two rear legs and then stomped down onto the floor in front of Spike with a loud crash. The force of the stomp kicked up a large cloud of dust that swirled around the two of them.

Here we go, in 3...2...1… thought Spike and he watched the dust swirling around. He breathed in a few quick breaths. “Ah, ah, ah, ACHOO!” Spike let forth a powerful sneeze. Two other things also happened during his sneeze. There was a loud *PFFFRRRRRRRRTTTTT* from one end as well as magical dragon flame that accompanied the sneeze from the other end. Spike, having slouched down on the couch, was at the perfect angle to have the two things mix together. The changeling had just enough time for her eyes to widen in surprise before she was consumed by an exploding fireball that lit up the library.

“Heh heh heh, Phase three...Check!” Spike smiled and then looked around the library. There were many scorch marks, and five shelves no longer had any books. “Eh heh, oops.” He picked up the comic book again and continued reading. “I’ll leave the Elements behind the toilet until the real Twilight returns.”

*-*-*-*

Princess Celestia was sitting down to a quiet meal in the royal dinner hall. She sipped her tea and listened as Luna gave her an update on the quest of Twilight and her friends. A swirl of smoke came in through the window and swirled around the room before hovering above the table. There was a loud *pop* as the smoke vanished and a not-Twilight appeared in the air. She fell onto the table and reverted back to her true form. Queen Chrysalis rubbed her head as she sat up on the table. Guards quickly surrounded the area, but slowed down and covered their noses as they approached. The guards were then buried under piles of books that appeared moments after Queen Chrysalis and fell to the floor. Princess Celestia covered her nose in an effort to mask a powerful odor that followed Chrysalis’s appearance.

Chrysalis quickly patted her mane to extinguish parts of it that were smouldering. She looked at Celestia and groaned. “Just let me use your royal bath and some of your perfumes and I’ll gladly show myself to the dungeons for a few days.”

Princess Celestia nodded, and pointed her other hoof towards the door on the other side of the room. Chrysalis quickly walked towards that door and exited the room, followed by some guards who kept their distance from the changeling. Out of respect, of course.

Another small swirl of smoke entered the dining hall and hovered above Celestia. It vanished and a scroll appeared in the air. Celestia quickly caught the scroll in her magic and opened it.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Sorry about the mess; it’s a long story. I thought you might need this.

~Spike

Celestia looked up in time to see an air freshener appear from another plume of smoke.

Author's Note

This is a work of fanfiction (unofficial stories that lovingly borrow characters/settings, written by a fan of the show) - please do not confuse this with the the show. This story takes place in a somewhat alternate universe.

I do not own the characters or setting of the FIM universe - they belong to Hasbro. Please support them by purchasing their products (collectibles, videos, toys, etc.) - they are available at many physical stores as well as online.