That's Not How Any of This Works
Although Hearth’s Warming Eve had come and gone from Equestria, the cheer could still be felt all the way to the comfortably cool, snow-covered Crystal Empire. Princess Twilight and Spike had decided to spend the holidays with Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, considering they had not ventured up to the Empire in a good while, and what better time to do so? Twilight, Spike, and the rest of their friends all had a celebration beforehand, so nopony would miss out on the holiday cheer, and for that, the ever-neurotic Twilight was thankful.
Greetings were excitedly exchanged upon arrival, hugs and nuzzles being traded with gusto when the dragon and newest princess arrived at the front doors of the Imperial Castle. However, Cadance had dragged Twilight to a more private section, citing the need for some ‘girl talk,’ and this sudden change of events gave Shining Armor and Spike the perfect opportunity to catch up with each other. After all, the two grew up together ever since Twilight hatched Spike at her entrance exam, especially since Spike would tag along wherever the lavender mare went.
“Check this out, Spike… the ‘stallion-cave’ I was telling you about? Well, it’s finally done!” the eager prince, garbed in nothing but his own coat, eagerly introduced as he opened the door into the particular common room. Leading Spike inside, a raging fire was burning in the fireplace, serving to bathe the homely room in a gentle light and a comfortable heat. Bookcases with various reading material made up the perimeter, along with a desk with odd papers and an armoire with a myriad of different drinks. Two fuzzy armchairs faced each other, along with a long sofa that faced the fireplace.
“Whoa… Shining, this is incredible!” a now young-adult Spike exclaimed as his eyes drank up the entire site. Having hit his growth spurt about a year prior, Spike now stood a tad taller than Twilight; Shining did not have to crane his head down to talk to him anymore.
“I know, right?!” Shining replied with equal giddiness, happy to finally have another close male friend, essentially a younger brother, to share this with. He had to remember, for next time, to get Spike over next time he had other friends over.
Shining closed the door behind them, sealing the two in the oh-so comfy room. Spike did not hesitate to take his seat in one of the armchairs while the prince trotted over to the armoire.
“How do you even leave the castle, now?” Spike wondered, leaning back and relaxing as any coldness that he felt from outside faded rather quickly under the omnipresent heat of the fire.
“I ask myself the same question… but somehow I do,” Shining replied over his shoulder, opening the drink cabinet and finding something that he would be interested in at the moment. “Want anything to drink?”
“Ummm… I’m not ‘of age,’ technically,” Spike remarked with a bit of uncertainty, to which Shining dismissed with a flick of his hoof.
“I won’t tell Twilight. You’re of age to me, Spike.”
“Then okay! Thanks, man!”
“Not a problem. We’ll just have some beers, nothing fancy,” Shining said, carrying two bottles of open, unknown elixir in his magical grasp and handing one over to the dragon. He then took his seat opposite Spike and sunk into the chair with a sigh. With that, the two tilted their bottles to each other and took their first drinks.
“Hmmm… not bad,” Spike commented on the taste, nodding a bit as he examined the beer.
“Yeah, it’s pretty good. So how’ve you been, man? It’s been a little while.”
“Things have been great so far, bro. Twilight’s doing incredibly well, and I myself have been just splendid. How about you?” Spike asked in return.
“Awesome. And I’ve been great. Things are quiet up here, but nice. It’s cool to have friends and family visit whenever they can, so again, thanks for coming with Twilight,” Shining thanked, tilting his bottle towards Spike for extra emphasis before taking another sip.
“Hey, like I’d miss it for anything! Haven’t seen you and Cadance in forever. How are you two, by the way?”
“Oh things are just... Awesome,” Shining added emphatically with pauses, sighing dreamily as his thoughts drifted to his wife. “I love that mare with all my heart, really; that hasn’t changed at all.”
“Well that’s great to hear!” Spike replied happily. Even he knew that Shining and Cadance were a match made in heaven; soulmates in every definition of the word.
“How about you? I heard through the grapevine that you finally managed to swoon Rarity, am I right?” the blue-maned unicorn asked with a cheeky grin, earning an eyeroll from the drake.
“Yeah, actually. About a month ago she did say yes to one date. It went pretty well… one thing lead to another and… yeah, we’re together now,” Spike elaborated with a little bit of awkwardness lacing his tone, but that always happened when he talked about his successes with anything. Other than his rare ego trips, Spike never particularly enjoyed bragging as he got older.
“Dude, that’s awesome!” Shining said jubilantly, ecstatic for one of his best friends and adoptive little brother. “Congrats! Taking it slow from here on out?”
“Heh, thanks man. And yeah, I’m in no rush with her, and neither is she which is just fine. We haven’t… you know… yet, if that’s what you meant by that,” Spike alluded with a few inscrutable hand gestures to make his point. Shining nodded in perfect understanding.
“Right, right. No shame in that, little bro. Take your time with it, because you’ll want the first time with her to be special, whenever it happens. Took a while between Cadance and I but that first time… man…” Shining reminisced blissfully. “It was worth it, Spike. So worth the wait.”
“Heh, seems like it! I’ll take your word for it, but again, I’m in no rush. Rarity’s a great kisser and cuddler anyway, so things are great for now.”
“Hey, that’s what porn’s for, amirite?” Shining Armor pointed out jokingly, causing Spike to giggle almost maniacally.
“Hah! No kidding, man. Celestia, if Twilight knew the stash I hid under my bed, she’d probably kill me.”
“Hey, girls and activities can come and go… but porn will forever remain,” the unicorn pointedly commented, as if he was giving the most profound advice in the world. The two shared in a few moment’s laughter at that before he continued. “Not to gross you out with details, but even with a wife that likes ‘action’ as often as a stallion would dream of, it still serves a purpose.”
“So far, I can still believe that. Rarity is still the most beautiful mare I’ve ever laid eyes on, but she can’t be there for me to gawk at all the time,” Spike said, taking his turn with allusions.
“Shame, right?” Shining joked. “But hey, since I know your stance on this, check this out.” Shining got off his chair and beelined for one of the bookcases, moving a few covers aside before expertly fishing out a magazine with his magic.
“What is it?” Spike asked, setting his beer aside and sitting up straight. He had a fair idea what it was but still, his curiosity was piqued.
“Found this magazine the other day, whaddya think?” Shining asked, taking his seat again and handing over the magazine to Spike. The drake took it in one of his hands and immediately spied a mare, standing on her hind legs and supporting herself against a wall. Her haunches were on full display in some lingerie.
“Ohhh… she’s pretty hot. This definitely doesn’t look like Playcolt’s style, though” he mused, beginning to flip through some of the pages. From the looks of it, it was not the most recent, but not entirely old either. It perhaps came out in the last year or so.
“Bleh, I forget. Point stands, it’s a magazine with hot mares. If you like it, you can have it. I didn’t even remember that I had it until like, a week ago.”
“Oh… well thanks I guess,” Spike replied neutrally, still flipping through the pages until he found a picture that seemed particularly ‘involved.’ “Damn, look at this one… this mare right here definitely looks—WHOA!” Spike suddenly yelled out, his widening and head recoiling almost comically.
“What?! What?!” Shining asked with equal enthusiasm. Perhaps Spike found something he forgot about that was particularly raunchy.
“Why does this girl have a penis?!” Spike exclaimed, horrified at what he was seeing.
“Oh crap… it’s one of those,” Shining said, now understanding the reaction. “What, the picture’s not hot?”
Spike gazed at Shining as if he had spoken to him in three different, foreign languages at once.
“W-WHAT?! This is a mare with a dick!” Spike reiterated, showing Shining the picture he was talking about, to which the unicorn nodded as if he was impressed.
“Well, yeah. Still looks pretty hot.”
“Oh… OHHH,” Spike exclaimed, nodding in understanding and calming down. “I never knew you were bisexual, dude!”
It was Shining Armor’s turn to cock his head at him.
“N-No… I’m completely straight.”
“Wait… then what’s this?” Spike again asked, referencing a long, seemingly panorama picture of what appeared to be a sexy mare, lip bitten and lying on her back… but with a distinct part of a stallion’s anatomy resting between her legs.
“Ummm… it’s a mare with a penis?” Shining answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Dude… not gonna lie, that’s a little gay,” Spike answered honestly, but then took another look at the picture. “Actually, wooof…” he took another look at the mare’s ‘size.’ “...that’s a lot of gay.”
“Oh please, how is that gay?” Shining asked, unphased and seemingly not knowing where this protest was coming from. “That mare’s smokin’ hot!”
Spike blinked a few times.
“That’s a dick! So you’re saying she’s hot… then you like dicks?” Spike tried to rationalize this train of thought before downing a large swig of his beer, feeling he would need it.
“On her.”
“Then what’s the difference between liking a penis on a mare versus a stallion? Then, you like stallions!” Spike reasoned.
“No, Spike!” Shining proclaimed, slapping his hoof to his face and shaking. “Okay, look, just because she’s a mare and she has a penis, does not mean I like stallions.”
“Shining… you do know there aren’t girls with cocks, right? That’s a stallion! Ergo, that’s gay!” Spike retorted.
“No it’s not gay, and no, she’s not a stallion!” Shining fired back.
“Then she’s trans, from stallion to mare…” the drake proposed.
“No, she’s not trans either,” Shining shot the idea down immediately, shaking his head as if Spike was too dense to understand this idea. The latter threw his hands up and huffed in disbelief.
“If she’s not a stallion, and not trans, then what is she? Because she’s clearly not a mare in that case! She’s got a massive cock!”
“Look Spike, you clearly don’t understand this, can we just leave it at the fact that sometimes I like to look at my mare’s with dicks?” Shining spoke again, also having finished his beer.
Spike’s right eye twitched.
“Dude! That’s so gay! That’s all the homo!” he declared.
“Celestia damnit, Spike! No! She’s not a stallion, nor trans. She’s a dickmare!” Shining added.
“What the hell is a dickmare? You do realize there’s no such thing, right? If she just has a cock she’s a dude!”
“No no no, she can also have her own mare parts as well!” Shining corrected.
“Oh, so she’s a hermaphrodite?”
“NO!” Shining yelled out, slapping the back of his head against the chair in frustration. “She’s a normal, hot mare, with a cock!”
“That doesn’t make any damn sense, Shining!”
“Just because she happens to have a penis doesn’t mean that she’s not a mare,” Shining reasoned thoughtfully. Spike did not seem to be getting anywhere with his own reasoning, so he decided to figure this out from a different angle.
“Okay, so does that mean you’d ‘do the do’ with a stallion who had a vagina and teats?” Spike asked, emphasizing his words with hand gestures.
“What—NO! I told you, I’m straight! Of course not!” Shining immediately countered. Spike clutched his head in disbelief, as if he was going to claw himself to death.
“How is that any different, dude?!” Spike asked almost pleadingly, his tone of voice rising.
“Because it’s a stallion, didn’t you hear yourself?! It’s a false equivalence!” Shining rebutted, neither of the two’s tones of voices seeming to calm down.
“No it’s not!” Spike shot back. “This is so gay. Just… HOW?! How would it even work, Shining?”
“How many times do I have to say this?” the unicorn replied, exasperated. “I told you, she’s a normal mare, who just happens to have a dick!”
“Oh. My. Celestia…” Spike grumbled, rubbing his temples with both of his palms. “It’s called ‘stallionhood’ and ‘marehood’ for a reason, man!”
“This is getting out of hand, Spike… she’s just a mare with a penis that’s all there is to it, really.”
“That. Doesn’t. Make. Sense! You’re a coltcuddler and you like stallions!” Spike declared with all the the power vested within him as a best friend and brother.
“It’s. A. FETISH!”
At that moment, the door to their little abode opened up, revealing both Twilight and Cadance.
“Hey you two!” the Princess of Love called them both.
“We finished talking and getting ready, so we can all go out to dinner when you’re ready!” Twilight added her own words. Spike and Shining Armor immediately turned to them.
“Babe, quick question,” Shining began, pointing to his wife. “Suppose a straight stallion’s attracted to a really pretty mare that just happens to have a cock. Does that make him gay?” he finished his question. Spike leaned on the armrest closest to the door of his chair, locking eyes with Twilight and shooting her the same, implicit question with his gaze.
The two new-coming mares blinked simultaneously, both cocking their eyebrows and mouths going slightly slack. One could hear the figurative pin drop at that moment.
“Y-You’re… ummm… come find us when you’re done…”
Cadance and Twilight backed out of the room slowly with the same looks plastered on their faces as they closed the door behind them.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Shining decided to speak up again.
“Okay… I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry, and I think I speak for us both that this is probably a pointless argument.”
Spike ran his hand down his face, but nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, true. In that case, how about we just agree to disagree, we get something to eat, and we never speak of this again?” the drake suggested.
“Y’know? I like the sound of that. Come on, little bro,” Shining replied, beckoning Spike off the chair and towards the door. “Let’s go catch up with the girls.
“Sounds good,” Spike said as Shining opened the door for him, letting him out first. “You’re still gay for liking dicks though.”
“Oh shut. Up. She’s a mare!” the unicorn exclaimed once more before shutting and sealing the door behind them.
Author's Note
Another YOLO fic; a little something I cooked up in about two hours. Basic editing went into this.
I do not claim to be for or against any particular fetish out there. This was inspired by an argument among some friends which was goddamn hilarious, along with a few other 'discussions' and comics I saw on the matter.
