Do You Do Poison?

by UniqueSKD

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1144

Twilight Sparkle wants to kill off Spike.

Twilight wants to kill Spike off. Why? You'll never guess…

A really dumb little story written out of sheer writer's block and lack of imagination. Also may have been inspired by the Bruiser comedy sketch of the same name…

Living in villages far from towns or cities make them the worst places for story ideas…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-05 10:20:02 UTC

Do You Do Poison?

Twilight Sparkle burst through the door of the Ponyville, setting off the little bell perched atop the door frame. The ring-a-ding-ting alerted Mrs. Cake, who was in the back room of the bakery at the time, and she trotted out to the counter to greet her customer. She beamed a wide smile when she saw her friend, though her smile waned a little when she noticed the very serious expression on the alicorn's face.

"Good morning Twilight!" Pinkie Pie said chirpily nonetheless. "What brings -"

"Do you do poison?" Twilight Sparkle interrupted the baker mare rudely.

Mrs. Cake, taken aback by the question, looked at Twilight for a few moments before blinking twice. "Um...sorry?

"Do you do poison?" Twilight repeated herself, no change to her tone. "Preferably just about enough to metaphorically and hypothetically kill a small baby dragon." She paused for a moment. "A purple one, still speaking hypothetically and metaphorically," she finished.

Mrs. Cake stared at Twilight before she closed her eyes and let out a chuckle. "Ooooh, I get it, Twilight! Has Pinkie Pie been trying to get you to work on some sort of dark humor act with her, and you're testing your jokes on me?" Mrs. Cake giggled to herself over the thought.

"Oh Twilight, you're such a kidder!", she sighed, wiping away a tear.

Twilight's frown did not leave her face the entire time. "Do you keep any rat poison in the back there?" she asked, nodding her head towards the kitchen. "Maybe you get huge baby dragon sized rats coming in to steal your stash of cookies or something, so you have a large jar of rat poison stored in one of your cupboards in just case the little buggers tries to nibble his way through your cakes?"

Mrs. Cake stopped giggling to herself and stared at Twilight, feeling offended by the alicorn's question. "What are you implying by that, princess?" she asked with a frown.

Twilight Sparkle raised her hooves up with front of herself defensively. "I'm not saying Sugarcube Corner has rats. I'm just saying if it did hypothetically and metaphorically, what kind of rat poison would you have on hoof to deal with the pests?"

Mrs. Cake felt awkward talking about something that could have been easily misconstrued by an eavesdropping pony, but she replied to hurry the subject along. "If we did ever experience a rat problem, Fluttershy would take care of them. After all she is great with -"

"Do you sell cyanide cakes?" Twilight interrupted again, leaning closer to Mrs. Cake. "Do you sell any cakes with multi-colored frosting that is secretly laced with cyanide sprinkles, or maybe a few drops of nitro glycerin perhaps? Anything potent enough to cause a face to blow up from the inside?"

Mrs. Cake tilted her head to one side, an even more concerned look on her features. "Um, Twilight? Why are you -"

"What about a cupcake absolutely jam packed with fat?" Twilight Sparkle, once again, interrupted her friend. She walked around the wooden counter and made her way towards the kitchen as she talked. "Do you have anything loaded with so much fat that it could clog up a baby dragon's throat and make them choke to death?"

Mrs. Cake chased after the princess. "Um, Princess Twilight? I have to ask you don't go back there!"

Entering the kitchen, Twilight began using her magic to open various cupboards and searching the contents within each of them, looking for something. She began to remove things from the cupboards ranging from pots and pans and bowls and rolling pins. She even pulled Gummy from one cupboard and looked at the baby alligator in surprise before gently laying him down on the floor, for him to scurry away a moment later.

Mrs. Cake entered the kitchen and gasped at the piles of baking utensils littered all over the floor. "Princess Twilight! What in the wide world of Equestria are you doing?" she cried out. What in Equestria has gotten into you as well?

Twilight turned her head to look at Mr's Cake again, still wearing that expressionless look. "Do you have any rolling pins that are hard enough to break tough bones, such as a little dragon's skull? Or maybe a kitchen knife sharp enough to cut open a scaly stomach?"

Mrs Cake stared at Twilight in horror. "Princess, I must ask why -"

"Hypothetically and metaphorically speaking, of course," Twilight finished, interrupting the bakery mare yet again. She turned away from her and continued to rid out the cupboards in her search for...whatever she was looking for.

Mrs Cake at this point began feeling rather annoyed at the princess for being rude, and her strange behavior only added to that annoyance. "Now see here Princess Sparkle!" Mrs Cake began as she trotted straight up to Twilight. "I don't know what is going on here, but I strongly do not approve of this...this...THIS!" Mrs Cake exclaimed as she gestured to the state her kitchen was now in.

"Now what in the world of Equestria is going on here, miss Sparkle?" the earth mare demanded sternly.

The magical aura around Twilight's horn dissipated as she stepped away from the cupboard and looked at Mrs Cake. She seemed hesitant at first, but soon opened her mouth to speak. "Well, you see Mrs Cake..." the alicorn began, "I'm...I'm trying to kill Spike."

Mrs Cake's eyes widened in shock, and she clasped her hooves over her mouth. Had she just heard Twilight correctly? "You want to harm Spike? That innocent little dragon? How...what...why would you think of doing such a thing, princess!?" cried Mrs Cake.

Twilight's eyes clenched shut and she turned away. "You don't understand! He...Spike did something that I can never forgive him for!" she replied shakily.

Mrs Cake brought her hooves back to the floor and looked at the alicorn in confusion. "What could Spike possibly have done that would make you want to kill the poor dear?" she asked, unsure if she really wanted to hear the answer. From the way Twilight was reacting, shaking uncontrollably and trying her best not cry, it must have been something so horrendously sinful.

"He...h-h-he..." Twilight stuttered.

Mrs Cake put a hoof upon Twilight's back to try and comfort her. "What did he do, Twilight?" Mrs Cake asked one last time.

Twilight managed to bring herself to look at Mrs Cake in the eyes. Taking a deep breath, the horrifying truth was revealed in a shaky whisper...

"He made me play Sonic 06 and Sonic Boom...FOR A WHOLE WEEKEND!" Twilight wailed as she threw her hooves around a horrified and flabbergasted Mrs Cake.

Seconds later...

Mrs Cake burst out of Sugarcube Corner, brandishing a large meat cleaver in her mouth, vowing to avenge the princess's honor lost at the claws of the evil little dragon.