Like, They Sit and Do Nothing
“Okay.” Moondancer looked at the window. As much as she wanted to see anything behind it, it was impossible. Mostly due to the fact that the whole wooden house they were in was currently completely covered in snow. “Whose idea it was to make a reunion party in Crystal Mountains?”
“Mine,” Minuette replied. She was sitting in an armchair, sipping wine. Most of her silhouette was obscured by an awful Hearth’s Warming Eve jumper with snowponies and trees. “It’s not like we’re in hurry. We have food, there’s the fireplace… What else do you want?”
“Some privacy?” Moondancer rolled her eyes. “It’s kinda hard to sleep when you’re in a bunk bed, Lyra snores above you, and whatever Twinkleshine was doing last night, I’d rather not mention it.”
“I wasn’t doing anything.” Twinkleshine blushed; cards fluttered in her magic field. Lyra leaned to her to look into them, earning a glare from Twilight and Lemon Hearts.
“Well, I swear I could hear something,” Twilight muttered. “Also, call.”
“Fold,” Lyra said. “To think about it, I also heard something. Like…”
“Like what?” Lemon Hearts asked. “I slept all night and I didn’t hear anything, though Twinkleshine has quite a history when it comes to–”
“Raise.” Twinkleshine muttered through gritted teeth and tossed a few bits on the table. There was already quite a big stack of gold there – nopony had brought chips and any attempts at changing things they had at their disposal—like pieces of firewood, snowballs, or empty wine bottles—into poker chips proved unsuccessful, despite Twilight’s and Moondancer’s best attempts.
“Like mice,” Lyra said. “I’m pretty sure there are mice in this cabin. Or maybe rats. Big like cats.”
“Eww!” Twinkleshine exclaimed. “Now I know what Moondancer heard. I was tossing and turning in my bed because of those mice running behind the wall.”
“I had a pet rat once,” Minuette said, putting her wine on a small table next to her armchair. “Well, I had lots of rats, but this one was my first.”
“And what happened to them?” Twilight asked. “You know, I missed a lot of things from when we were young…”
Minuette sighed. “Well, same thing that happens to all the rats…”
“Oh.” Twilight went back to her cards.
“Do you think this rat here is old enough to die?” Lemon Hearts asked, shuddering. “Also, it’s winter! Shouldn’t they, like, sleep or something?”
“In here, there are two seasons,” Moondancer muttered, still staring at the frozen window. “Winter and August.”
“Also, it’s never one rat.” Lyra rested her hooves on the table and looked into Lemon Hearts’ eyes. “Rats can give birth to about sixteen kids at once and they can mate every few months. Put two rats in a house and soon you can burn it and throw a key into the river.”
“Yeah.” Moondancer smirked. “Let’s say we have sixteen rats, then each of them has sixteen more rats… After three generations you have 4096 rats, even if we assume that each generation only has kids once.”
“Thanks for the clarification,” Lemon Hearts whispered. “I’m now going to the bathroom to kill myself.”
“May I use it first?” Lyra asked. “I’ve been meaning to for a while, but this conversation was getting more interesting.”
“Lyra!” Moondancer exclaimed. “Don’t be so insensitive. We need to help a friend in need.”
“Help my bladder first,” Lyra muttered, shifting her legs.
“Like, how were you going to off yourself?” Moondancer asked, walking to Lemon Hearts, who gulped.
“Well, actually I wasn’t gonna…” Lemon Hearts cleared her throat. “Well, I was thinking of throwing a toaster into the bathtub.”
Minuette raised her eyes from the book she was reading. “Hey, I wanted to take a bath later! I don’t wanna smell only because you wanted to kill yourself!”
“Yeah, and remember that it was me who brought the toaster here,” Lyra said. “Bonnie wouldn’t be happy if I lost it.”
“Actually, most modern toasters wouldn’t kill you even when flooded,” Twilight added, putting her cards on the table. Twinkleshine groaned – she had been bluffing for a while, but it was all for nothing. Twilight saw right through it. “Also, electricity doesn’t work anyway.”
“So, yeah.” Moondancer looked back at Lemon Hearts. “Also, you know what ponies do after they die. Especially ones who just had a big supper.”
Lemon Hearts winced. “Well, what about hanging?”
“Too easy to screw up,” Lyra muttered. “And it’s painful.”
“Cutting myself?”
“We won’t be cleaning it and remember that we’re kinda trapped here,” Minuette said. “At least till the snow stops falling. Unless we put you outside so you’d freeze nicely.”
“No, thanks.” Lemon Hearts shuddered. “Drinking myself to death?”
“You’d throw up first,” Twilight replied. “Trust me, I know something about that and I’m pretty sure Spike knows too.” She smiled sheepishly, seeing the others looking at her. “Last Apple Family Reunion was a bit… intense.”
“I don’t know,” Moondancer muttered. “I only drank to the mirror. I… I don’t know what happened, but my neighbours broke into my house and carried me to the ER. It was… nice.”
“ER?” Minuette asked, putting an empty glass on the table. “Good advice: never stand between Berry Punch and the last bottle of beer. You’ll end up in the ER, that’s for sure.”
“Berry Punch?” Twilight asked. “Who is she?”
“The one with a kid and a damaged liver,” Minuette replied. “I think you know her. She lives in Ponyville, after all.”
“Twilight Time kids.” Lyra ruffled her mane and made a solemn expression. “The one that looks like that.”
Twilight furrowed her eyebrows. “Twist?”
“No, Twist is that happy one, with candies.” Lyra sighed. “I mean the one that wanted to become a certified dragon slayer and nearly offed Spike.”
“Ruby.” Twilight nodded. “So, Berry is her mother, right? I think I remember her now.”
“Yes,” Minuette replied. “She’s fine, unless you piss her off. Or she remembers stuff.”
“What stuff?” Twilight asked, despite Minuette’s expression. “Also, to think about it, I don’t recall Ruby’s father…”
“That’s the stuff.” Lyra shook her head. “There were many theories about Ruby’s father, but judging from the daughter, he’s either in prison or he was buried under a ton of concrete.”
“Exactly.” Minuette smirked. “We once listed all her character traits and eliminated all she’d inherited from Berry. What stayed, was–”
“–male Moondancer,” Lyra muttered.
“What now?” Moondancer raised her eyebrows. “How can I be the father of some kid I’ve never seen in my life?”
“We’re not saying you are,” Twinkleshine replied. “They just used science and it turned out that the kid is similar to you.” She rolled her eyes. “Some ponies just can’t take the joke.”
“Well, actually, they made wrong assumptions,” Twilight said.
Twinkleshine hid her face in her hooves. “Here we go…”
“You know, the kid’s character isn’t determined by genes,” Twilight continued. “It’s mostly the way they’ve been brought up. So, as you said, she has some traits of her mother, also the behaviour of her mother influenced her behaviour and… Hmm, who else was helping Berry?”
“Me,” Minuette replied. “Lyra, Bon Bon, Carrot Top, Pinkie…” Suddenly, she stared at the wall in horror. “We created a monster…”
“Well, maybe she’ll become a lawyer,” Lemon Hearts said. “From what I’ve heard from you, that’ll be a right career choice for her.”
“Actually, not all lawyers are bad ponies.” Twilight levitated the cards and started to shuffle them. “Moondancer’s father is a lawyer.”
Lyra shuddered and stood up.
“What?” Moondancer asked. “You have some problem with my father?”
“No, I told you I wanted to go to the toilet,” Lyra muttered, already on her way across the room. She reached the corridor and disappeared in it, slamming the door shut.
“By the way, how’s your father, Moondancer?” Twilight asked.
“If everything goes well, they’ll release him next year,” Moondancer replied. “Who’d say tampering with evidence was punishable…”
“You know that well,” Twilight said, raising her eyebrows.
“My father didn’t.” Moondancer sighed. “Also, I’m sorry to see that my attempt at sarcasm fell short.”
“It’s because we learned to assume that you’re serious,” Minuette muttered, her eyes focused on a book. “It’s safer that way. Also, my last contact with law enforcement was rather strange…”
“You blew something up, right?” Twinkleshine asked. “In Las Pegasus, if I recall correctly.”
“What?” Minuette asked. “That never happened. I, um… inherited a lot of money and–”
“Yeah, Lyra told me that Vinyl told her about that.” Twinkleshine smirked, her eyes focused on Minuette. “I wonder what you’re going to do with it.”
“I made a company with Cherry Berry. It’s about, umm… transport.” Minuette shrugged. “You’ll see next year.”
“You know that most of companies go bankrupt within a year from being set up?” Moondancer asked. “On a side note, what are you reading? You haven’t put that book down for the whole evening.”
“It’s a… novel,” Minuette muttered.
Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Let’s find out!” She looked at Moondancer. “Haycartes’ method?”
“Haycartes’ method.”
“Don’t do that!” Minuette exclaimed, but it was too late. In a flash, Moondancer and Twilight disappeared. Minuette dropped the book and hid behind her armchair.
For a few seconds, nothing was going on. Then, in another magic flash, Twilight and Moondancer appeared again. Moondancer was wearing a leather bridle with blinders and a saddle, while Twilight held a whip and a really tight leather dress.
“I feel… dirty,” Moondancer muttered. “Why would somepony wear that?”
“Well, Rarity explained this to me once,” Twilight said. “You won’t like it, even though I find it kinda–”
They heard the sound of opening door and after a while, Lyra emerged from the corridor. She was shivering slightly, but as soon as she saw Twilight and Moondancer, her lips formed a large grin.
“I’m leaving you for a few minutes and you already got the party started?” Lyra exclaimed. “Not cool.”
“We had a slight problem with the Haycartes’ spell.” Moondancer took the blinders off. “Also, what took you so long? Number two?”
“Minuette, may I borrow this book later?” Twilight asked.
“I had to tear my butt off the seat,” Lyra said, rubbing the body part in question. “You know, the toilet is kinda open to that large ravine, so everything flies down.”
“We really didn’t need that mental image, thank you.” Lemon Hearts made a gagging sound.
Lyra didn’t notice that. “Anyway, it’s cold in there, I can’t feel my bum, and I wonder if we’re ever found.”
“Well, there’s a bit less snow in August,” Moondancer said. “Also, it’s not like we can’t teleport out of here. Our trapping in this cabin is more of a social convention.”
“I can’t,” Lyra muttered. “With the accuracy of my teleportation, I’d probably end up at the bottom of the ravine with my–”
“We really don’t want to know.” Lemon Hearts rubbed her temples. “Also, the range of my teleportation would mean that I’d have to go back to Manehattan by hoof anyway.”
“Same.” Minuette didn’t raise her head, focused on her book.
“I could fly, but the wind would probably blow me back here,” Twilight said. “So we’d better wait till the weather improves. Then, we can visit Starlight’s village.”
“What?” Twinkleshine asked. “Who is Starlight?”
“A friend of mine,” Twilight replied. “She carried out a rather nasty social experiment and kinda messed with the timeline once, but don’t worry, everything is fixed now and she’s fine.”
“She did what?” Twinkleshine raised her eyebrows. “And she’s still, like, on the loose?”
“Don’t worry, she’s taking anger management classes.” Twilight felt sweat on her forehead. Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts were still glaring at her, Lyra was rubbing her behind, and Minuette poured herself another glass of wine. Moondancer scratched her mane and looked on the floor.
“Well…” Twilight gulped. “She was just lost because her friends left her. I guess Moondancer can, umm… relate.”
“Oh yes, I can.” Moondancer’s voice was as cold as the weather outside. “Also, Starlight? Starlight Glimmer?”
“Yes,” Twilight replied. “Do you know her?”
“I met her at the group therapy after you left me,” Moondancer muttered. “Then we ran away from there and somehow ended up in my flat. We didn’t leave bed for a month.”
“Same as me and Bon Bon,” Lyra said. “Except our relationship started when she punched me in the face.”
“Wait, so you know Starlight and… umm…” Twilight looked at Moondancer and her eye twitched.
“Well, after she started talking about taking over the world, I left.” Moondancer shrugged. “Dunno, but all my relationships are rather short. Well, in fact there were, like, maybe one or two, but yeah, they’re short.”
“Never stick your dick in crazy,” Lyra said. “That’s a good advice, even if you don’t have one.”
“Strange that Bon Bon never listened to it,” Twinkleshine deadpanned.
“If you knew her well, you’d know that I’m actually the sane one.” Lyra went to Twinkleshine and hugged her. “Also, why so serious, Twinkle? Is it still about the rats?”
“No, it’s about the fact that Moondancer’s love life is more interesting than mine,” Twinkleshine replied. “Also, we’re stuck in that cabin with nothing to do. And we can’t even make a drunk version of Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant because we don’t have any earth ponies and pegasi around.”
“Umm… did I miss something?” Twilight asked.
“Clover the Clever throwing up on Princess Platinum’s hooves,” Lemon Hearts replied. “Just so you know, Minuette, I spent two days in the bathtub after that.”
“You know what that calls for?” Lyra asked. “Hot chocolate!”
“We have hot chocolate?” Minuette put her book down. “How about marshmallows? For pony’s sake, tell me we have marshmallows!”
“We have,” Lyra replied. She closed her eyes and aimed her horn at the kitchen door. A pack of marshmallows flew out of it and fell into her hooves. “Best before… Hmm, they’ll be fine for the next two years.”
“What do they put in those?” Lemon Hearts asked. “Well, to think about it, I’d rather not know.”
“We also have donuts. I bought them in Manehattan and preserved them with a spell, so they should be fine.” Twilight stood up and walked to the kitchen.
“But will we be fine?” Twinkleshine asked. “I’d rather not wake up with a fifth hoof or something.”
“Who cares?” Minuette followed Twilight. “It’s donuts!”
“You know, I once went with Bonnie to Donut Joe,” Lyra said. “Then we got kicked out after she started eating donuts from my horn.”
“I don’t think that’s banned by law.” Moondancer shrugged.
“It was the way she was eating them,” Lyra explained. “We apparently were indecent enough to be banned from the place.”
“Well, we’re not gonna be indecent today,” Moondancer replied. “I’m not gay.”
Twinkleshine looked at Moondancer unsurely. “You just told us about–”
“Okay, sometimes I am,” Moondancer muttered. “But I just consider you my friends, so if anypony expected an orgy, I’m sorry to disappoint.”
“Unless the fireplace dies,” Lemon Hearts said. “We’d have to keep ourselves warm, somehow.”
“We have magic.” Twinkleshine rolled her eyes. “Let’s not make up complicated and awkward solutions to problems that don’t exist yet, when there are simpler ways of dealing with them.”
Twilight and Minuette walked out of the kitchen, levitating six mugs of hot chocolate and a tray of donuts. They put them on the table and sat on their seats.
“Twilight, what do you think of complicated and awkward solutions to problems that don’t exist yet?” Twinkleshine asked.
“It’s better to be prepared for anything,” Twilight replied. “Like, did I tell you about my plan in case of Princess Luna’s rebelling against Princess Celestia?”
“Well, we have nothing else to talk about,” Lemon Hearts said. “We can as well listen to this plan.”
“After many careful calculations, I think I managed to reduce the amount of casualties to one third of Equestria’s current population,” Twilight replied.
Lyra frowned. “That’d still mean two of us would die. Any picks?”
Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Well, you’d be a radio operator in a frontline unit. Your chances of surviving first week would be about ten percent…”
“Okay, I’m no longer interested,” Lyra muttered and took a sip of her hot chocolate. “But to think about it… We’re alone here and recently, I’ve read a book about six mares locked in a house and someone started to kill them…”
“Excuse me, I gotta visit little filly’s room.” Twinkleshine stood up.
“The first of them was killed when she went to the toilet,” Lyra said. Twinkleshine froze and turned to look at her.
“Are you sure?” She shuddered. “But I really have to…”
“Go,” Moondancer said. “In case a murderer comes, scream. We’ll help you.”
“In the end it turned out the killer was their socially awkward friend they’d recently reunited with,” Lyra said. Everypony looked at Moondancer.
“What?” Moondancer exclaimed. “I never killed anypony in my life… Well, I started building a balefire bomb to kill my neighbour’s cat, but that was many years ago.”
“Complicated and awkward solution to a problem that didn’t exist while there were simpler ways,” Twinkleshine muttered. “I swear, do you have some kind of a complexity addiction?” She shrugged and walked to the toilet.
“What’s wrong with her?” Minuette asked. “I’m not sure what bit her. Even hot chocolate didn’t stop her.”
Suddenly, they heard Twinkleshine’s scream.
“Well, somepony just did,” Minuette muttered.
“I’m here with you,” Moondancer said quickly.
“We’d better check on her.” Twilight stood up and trotted towards the corridor.
“Why?” Lemon Hearts asked. “She’s already dead. We should think about protecting ourselves.”
They heard quick steps coming from the corridor. After a moment, they saw Twinkleshine running to them. She seemed pretty alive for someone who just became a victim of a serial killer.
“You’re alive.” Lemon Hearts sighed. “What happened?”
“There was a rat there!” Twinkleshine screamed. “It was as big as a cat!”
“What?” Twilight asked. “I’m pretty sure we can do something about it…”
“Well, I think it already ran away.” Moondancer shrugged. “Twinkle scared it.”
“I have it with me…” Twinkleshine levitated a block of ice. There was indeed a well-preserved brown rat inside.
Minuette hid her face in her hooves and laughed. “You got scared of a dead rat?”
“Dead and frozen, even…” Lemon Hearts shook her head.
“I told you it’s cold there…” Lyra took another sip of her chocolate.
Moondancer walked to the rat and poked it with her hoof. “It’s not even a modern rat. That’s some prehistoric creature that’s extinct today.”
“What if it comes back to life?” Twinkleshine backed away from the rat. “What if it has some old bacteria or parasites? What if it’s carnivorous?”
“Just sit down and drink your chocolate,” Minuette muttered.
“What if it gives birth to sixteen baby rats?”
“Chill out and drink,” Minuette used her magic to bring Twinkleshine closer to the table. Twinkleshine looked at the rat unsurely and sat on her armchair. Still looking at the frozen rodent, she took a sip.
“See?” Lyra asked. “Chocolate is the ultimate solution…”
And indeed it was. Soon they forgot about the rat. Later, they even managed to forget about an avalanche that moved the whole cabin down into the dale when they were asleep. Thanks to that, they woke up a few miles closer to Manehattan and in much better weather conditions.
All of them agreed to come there again next year.
