YOU WILL LEAVE AMUSED* AND VAGUELY DISAPPOINTED
Author's Note
Back to the thoughtless half-assed 'comedies'!
10 bits says this will still get better ratings than my real comedy fic attempt, Pinkie Catches Twilight.
*Author cannot guarantee you will be amused.
YOU WILL LEAVE AMUSED* AND VAGUELY DISAPPOINTED
“That’ll be 3 bits, ma’am.” Bits were then left on her counter, and the pony walked out the door with his muffins. Sugar Belle glanced to the clock. Double Diamond was going to be here in five minutes. He always came to her bakery, same time every day. Reaching below the counter, she pulled out a tray of muffins she’d prepared specially for him. It was a new recipe incorporating some tips the Ponyville baker, Pinkie Pie, had provided after the town regained their cutie marks. She’d never gotten around to trying them out until now, but… To be honest, she wasn’t so sure about the jumpy pony’s methods. So, she was hoping Double Diamond would help her out and see if it was any good.
She eyed the muffins. On the outside, they looked no different than her other muffins. But they were made of love.
Apparently.
Even she wasn’t exactly sure what she’d ended up putting in them. But they were made of and with love. That was what was important, what would make her the best baker that ever lived. According to Pinkie Pie. But apparently, the baker wouldn’t actually taste a difference in them, for whatever reason. So, Double Diamond. Speaking of which...
“Sup, Sugar? I got this... totes rad trick I just invented! When my skill is polished up, I’mma take you out and show you ma stuff, kay?” Sugar Belle took the time to process that as he approached the counter. He propped his skis along the wall, and his helmet came off with a little tug.
“Oh, you learned a new trick, huh? You really know what you’re doing; you’ve got more ski tricks than I’ve got muffins! I’m sure you’ll wow me yet again.” Double Diamond leaned a hoof on the counter, a smirk on his face.
“Hey, you know what they say: quantity over quality! And you’ve got some high quantity muffins!” Sugar couldn’t help but giggle at him.
“You silly goose, you switched them! But speaking of which, I’ve got a new type of muffin here. I got some tips from that party mare from Ponyville. You remember her?”
“Of course! It’s… Inkie Pie, was it?”
“Pinkie,” she corrected. “Anyway, I’m not so sure I uh… got her recipe right, and I was hoping you could help me taste test!” She grinned widely at him. He returned the grin, eyeing the muffins.
“Does that mean free muffins? I’d be down for that!” She nodded, and a muffin flew in his mouth with record speed.
“Wow, somepony’s hungry!” she joked. He ignored her, an intense look of pleasure coming over him, and he hummed happily. In moments, the muffin broke down to small chunks. Sugar didn’t break her grin, despite his overly eager chewing.
“Can I hath fith moar?” Crumbs bounced off her face, over the counter and the over the other muffins. She lightly shoved the tray towards him.
And down went the muffins. Didn’t even chew that time. Sugar was impressed. Disgusted, but impressed. Guess the muffins were good, considering his face right now. Speaking of which, she just learned how he looked having an orgasm. Definitely knowledge she should keep handy.
“So,” she asked, still smiling, “did you like them?” His eyes focused and he jumped excitedly.
“Do you have more of those?”
Surprised at his love of the muffins, she replied, “Uh, no, but I could make more. They only take half a minute to bake.” Sugar Belle headed to her kitchen.
“Oh Celestia, yes! I love you!”
“Epic, epic, epic!” He said as he commenced the genocide of her second batch of muffins, moaning, o-face, and general sexual tension with food completely intact. Those were definitely the important parts in judging whether her muffins were good or not, she decided.
“Oh, I love you, dammit!” He moaned, sighing after the muffins were done. She felt her face turning red, but she kept her grin.
“Uh, thanks?” Behind the counter, she was measuring cups of flour for a cake. She expected him to leave as he usually did after finishing his muffins, but instead, he rushed up to the counter.
“Will you marry me?” Her hoof jolted and flour covered her face.
“W-What?” she stuttered. He grinned excitedly.
“Marry me and bake me those muffins every day. I’ll do anything you want!” Eyebrows raised.
“I already bake you muffins every day, and I don’t think I’m ready to settle down just yet. Where did that come from, anyway?”
“Be my special somepony and bake me muffins?”
“No.”
Please?” he begged. “They’re so good!”
“We’re already friends and I already bake you muffins…”
“We’re friends?” He cheered excitedly. Sugar Belle wondered if it was a good idea to sell the muffins.
“Will there be food in this friendship?”
“I can bake you some cookies tomorrow.”
“Oh yes, yes yes!” His voice rose a few octaves. “You're awesome! I love you so much!” He lunged at her with a bear hug, but barely missed as she sidestepped.
“Well, store’s closing. You have to leave now. Bye!”
Sugar Belle breathed in the scent of freshly baked cookies. The store’s speakers had finally been fixed, and she was humming along to the cheerful song playing throughout her bakery. Glancing at the clock, she brought the fresh batch of cookies to a table. She didn’t get many customers at this time, so it was usually just Double Diamond and a lunch break. He sure was acting weird yesterday, but—
“SUGAR BELLE!!!” Double Diamond slammed through the doors of the bakery, immediately spotting her at a table.
“I baked you some cookies.”
“Sweet!” He plopped down in his seat, eyeing the tray of cookies before grabbing one and shoving it in his mouth. Sugar took one of her own and nibbled on it. Glancing up, she was met with his o-face again. She decided to admire the architecture of his jaws.
“Oh dear Twilight this one has boysenberry in it! I love you so much! Seriously, marry me, I’ll buy you a house or something.” There weren’t any unoccupied houses in town...
“What house?” she asked.
“The best one in this town!” Her eyebrows raised.
“You mean Starlight’s? Didn’t we agree to leave it be?”
“I’ll build a replica or something, I dunno.” He ate another cookie. “Oh my god I want to have like an epic cookie orgy with you and your baking skills!”
And out the door she went.
Gentle breathing.
Yes, gentle breathing. That’s it.
Clear your mind.
Let go of your worries.
Logic is a path to the dark side.
Let go of– oh, that feels nice!
Wow, write this down somewhere. Didn’t you used to have a notepad for orders?
“Marry me!” She spun around to find him sitting at a table outside. A few passersby stopped to glance at them. She frowned.
“I said no.” He returned the expression.
“Best friends?”
“Weren’t we already?”
“We were? Yay!” He started dancing on the table. She rolled her eyes, ignoring the confused crowd of ponies. “I should introduce you to my friends!”
“Yo, Double D, you feelin’ alright there? I know Sugar Belle here…” Party Favor asked. The white pony merely waved a hoof at him.
“Sure, Pony Friend, you know Sugar Belle, but you haven’t met my future wife yet!” Party Favor looked to Sugar Belle, who shrugged. As if she knew what was going on with him.
“Ey, show him some of that baking skillz!” Sugar Belle sighed, reaching for the box of baked goods on her back.
“So Party Favor, what would you like? I’ve got –” Sugar Belle opened the box and peered inside “– muffins.”
There was a silence as Party Favor waited for the next item. She simply smiled at him. He glanced to Double D, who was munching on something, then back to Sugar Belle, who continued smiling.
“That’s it?”
“I must have eaten all the cookies I prepared.” her eyes were nailed to Double Diamond, who was licking crumbs off his face. “Want one?” She gestured a hoof at the muffins. He shrugged, tossing one in his mouth and chewing slowly. Maybe he would give insight as to whether to sell the muffins or not. She waited with a grin as they chewed slowly.
Very slowly. She waited as the two munched on the muffins without speaking, occasionally waving at somepony who greeted them while passing the store.
“Those were the best muffins ever.” Party Favor eventually whispered. Sugar smiled at him while Double D chuckled.
“See? Told you her baking was amazing!” Party Favor nodded absently, licking his lips. He stood till for a moment before cupping her cheeks.
“So, Sugar Belle. What would you say to living with me?”
What.
“No way! She’s my future wife! You’re gonna have to get through me!” This again. Of course.
“As if she even likes you!” Party Favor retorted. “I actually know a thing or two about sweets!” They both turned their attention to her.
“Who’s it gonna be?”
“Uh…”
“Can I have a muffin?” All eyes turned to Night Glider.
“There aren’t any muffins…” There was a muffin left. She rubbed her eyes.
“Sure.” Night Glider bit down on the muffin as she sat with the ponies. Sugar Belle set her focus on Night Glider, trying to ignore the bickering stallions. Night Glider’s brows raised.
“What are they doing?” Sugar shrugged, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, you see, I’m just telling him about how Sugar Belle is going to be my future wife.” Double D answered.
“Really?” Night Glider looked to Sugar Belle.
“Or mine,” Party Favor protested. “Sugar Belle hasn’t chosen yet.” Night Glider scooched away from them.
“So… Sugar Belle, how bout’ you and I ditch the crazies here?” She smirked at the baker, who brightened at the idea.
“Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Come on Sugar, you and I are going to have some fun together.” She winked at her.
Wait what
“Oh for the love of—” Night Glider grabbed her and zoomed to the skies, holding her close as she screamed.
“Can you feel it, Sugar dear? I felt it the moment I bit into that muffin of yours… The pulsing heat of love! I know you can feel it too in the way you hold me… You never want to let me go, do you?” Sugar scrambled for a better grip as she started slipping. She glared up at Night Glider, who stared dreamily into her eyes.
“You’re crazy! I can’t fly! Put me down!” She gasped as she almost lost her grip.
“Oh, my sweet Sugar, you’re desperate for me, aren’t you? I can see the fear in your eyes, that I’ll stop loving you! But don’t worry, I’ll never let go of you, my love! Marry me, Sugar Belle!”
“You make that a promise and I’ll totally marry you!” Sugar tried not to look down as she finally found a firm grip on Night Glider.
“Yes! I knew you’d never choose those filthy stallions over me! Now kiss me!” Night Glider leaned in, puckering her lips. The unicorn’s eyes widened.
“Ew! No way!” She turned her head, lips meeting her cheek. She felt Night Glider’s hot breath on her neck before teeth gently nibbled at her.
“Don’t resist, I’ll make you feel amazing, just like your muffins did for me…” The pegasus traced her tongue along her cheek.
“Get off me you creep!” She shoved Night Glider away.
…
Wait a minute…
“YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T LET GO YOU LIAR!!!”
She opened her eyes to the sight of her ceiling. A quick scan around her told her she was in her room. Groaning, she sat up.
“Wakey, wakey!” A voice sounded from beside her. Somepony was in her bed. She smacked her hoof lazily at the pony’s snout.
“My head hurts so much… Why are you in my bed?” She turned to Night Glider, who giggled, sitting up and snuggling her.
“Well, after you had that little fall of yours, I was worried about you, so I thought I’d watch you sleep!”
…
“Er, watch you in your sleep… Watch you… In bed… I thought I’d watch you recover, heh…” Her fall?
Oh, that wasn’t a dream…
Nor the kissing.
And licking.
Dammit.
“I’m alive?” she asked groggily.
“Duh, I caught you! How could I live with myself if I let you fall?” Sugar Belle yawned before smiling at her.
“Well… thanks.” Almost makes up for the sexual assault.
“I mean, those muffins were awesome! I couldn’t let that slip away from me!”
“You ruined it.”
“Not to mention you promised to marry me!”
“Not this again…”
“Oh, and Double Diamond and Party Favor ran your shop for the rest of yesterday. They found your stash of secret recipe muffins and started selling them! They wanted to show off to you how well they could handle the shop! I think. Maybe they were showing off to the townsponies their awesome wife? They said something along those lines, I didn’t really listen… I mean, you’re already mine, right? Practically everypony in town had one though. You sure made a lot.”
Everypony in town had one.
…
Why did she even stay in this town?
“Please shut up.” Then the door slammed open. Ugh.
“Sugar! We ran out of your secret recipe muffins!” Party Favor shouted. She merely hissed at him.
“Keep it down, I’m tired. They’re not a secret recipe anyway. Just made with love. Or something.”
“Well we need to make more love! Right now! Or those ponies out there are going to force you to!” She glared up at him.
“I’m way too tired to find any context for what you just said. Any good context.” The door burst open again, Double Diamond stumbling in before shutting the door on somepony else.
“We ran out of your muffins, and those ponies out there want more!”
“What are we gonna do?” Party Favor panicked.
“Duh, tell them to leave.” All eyes turned to her.
“How?”
“Well, if they’re anything like you idiots, they’ll do anything I tell them to get more muffins. If they ever wanna see me or my muffins again, they act like a Twilight damned town. Now I’m gonna go to sleep. Wake me up when they’re all gone or in my room trying to maul me, k?”
“Well that worked surprisingly well.” Sugar looked around, ponies acting civilized and calm as if nothing had happened at all.
“I know! That was totes weird. I wanted to marry you or something! When would I practice my sick tricks then?” Yep, everything was conveniently back to normal—
Twilight dammit why are you walking into town with Starlight?
Night Glider zoomed overhead shouting at the mare, catching Party Favor and Double Diamond’s attention on her. They approached her cautiously, but she didn’t seem anything like how they’d left her. Instead, she was bowing to them.
Immediately, it was clear something had changed about her. This was a different pony, one seeking friendship. And this town was founded on the idea of friendship, so who would they be to refuse?
“I really must thank you ponies. I… didn’t think you’d forgive me that easily for all the things I’ve done.” They sat around a table, eating a pie together. Twilight seemed proud of Starlight, almost like a mentor to a student. Perhaps that’s exactly what they were.
“I can’t imagine what horrors I’ve put you ponies through under my twisted ideals! What it’d feel like to be unable to practice your special talents or experience others’...” She glanced to each of them. “Like your wonderful ski tricks… Or your amazing parties… Or this… titillating pie…” Twilight blinked.
“By Celestia your baking skills are sexy… What were we talking about?”
“I hate you, Pinkie.”
