Experience Point

Chapters

A Worse Cliché Than "You All Meet In An Inn"
Chapter 1: Finish That Sentence, I Dare You
Chapter 2: Catching One's Breath
Chapter 3: In Convenience
Chapter 4: Bump in the Night
Chapter 5: That's Racist
Chapter 7: Solo Queue
Chapter 6: Rinse, Wash, Treat Frostbite, Repeat

A Worse Cliché Than "You All Meet In An Inn"

Atlanta, Georgia. Hollywood of the South. Shining example of an American big-city. And, once a year, it became the single nerdiest place on Earth. DragonCon was the place to be for fantasy and sci-fi fans of every kind in September. That was where Zachary found himself.

He sidestepped half the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, searching the crowd for the other half of his group. Carl followed him closely, more interested in the eye-blistering signs and advertisements over the nearest booth. Luckily for him, a voice shouted over the roar of the hundreds in the convention center to lead him to the right spot.

"Zach! Carl! Guys, over here!"

Zach hastily shifted his soda over to his other hand while trying not to spill it on his doublet, full-body plastic armor clattering, already overloaded with swag from the showfloor. Up ahead, their de-facto Dungeon-Master and trip-sponsor Brian, waved them over. Brian had spent a lot of money to set up the whole experience, and it was looking pretty worth it.

Which was basically all that was stopping Zach from pointing out that Brian's fake leather shoulderpad-slash-cheststrap-thing really accentuated his manboobs.

"Sup, dude?" Carl greeted as they pushed their way over to the booth full of older-edition tabletop game manuals, dropping his sandwich wrapper into his impractically large wizard's hat.

Brian held up a battered book. "Check this out! It's a 1979's AD&D Player's Handbook someone had bound! Real leather! Eeh? Eeh?!"

Zach sucked noisily from his straw, trying very hard to show his lack of enthusiasm. Carl voiced his thoughts for him.

"Broskie, we don't play Advanced. We play 'three-point-five.'"

"Mostly." Brian's sister Amy appeared beside them, flipping back her white-and-red healer's hood with a scowl. "And Pathfinder. Or whatever homebrew Zach thinks he can test."

Carl shrugged, reaching into his hat and coming out with a handful of Doritos. "Which don't usually work, so we go back and play vanilla again."

Zach finished getting the last drop out of his watered-down cola, just watching them. On paper, each of them was the biggest freak he knew in their category. Carl steadfastly refused to stop being stereotypical as he rubbed at his acne and rummaged through his wizardly belt pouches for his can of Mountain Dew, beady eyes magnified by his glasses as he squinted. Brian and Amy couldn't be any greater opposites as siblings: a chubby, cheerful dark-haired boy with a penchant for Metal and all things fantasy wearing ninja garb, and a thin-faced, thin-lipped and thin-tempered girl bundled up in angst and sheer hatred of the world.

Zach was fairly sure one of them was adopted.

To be fair, Zach thought he was the most "normal" out of the bunch, and he was homeschooled and had gone for literal weeks at a time without speaking to another person, only thanks to his parent's insistence that he socialise that he even met Brian at the after-school chess club. Then again, he was a eighteen-year-old wearing plastic armor over period clothes, so then maybe "normal" was stretching the definition a bit. The lot of them had mini-character-sheets describing the characters they were dressed as stapled to their convention lanyards.

It had taken them months of planning and nearly all of their life-savings, but they had made it, and Zach couldn't be happier. He reached for his wallet. "I'll buy it for you, mate. Call it an early birthday gift."

Brian's ear-to-ear grin was all worth it. Zach leaned over the booth counter, looking for the owner.

"Hello? I wanna pay you for stuff!"

"Appeal to greed, that always works," Amy muttered, flipping her hood back up and glaring at a group of scantily-clad elf-girl cosplayers as they passed.

"Greed only works when you think you are missing something, my dear."

Zach jumped as he turned back, barely aware that he had looked away, right into eye contact with a short, sharp-edged man inside the tiny booth. And it was the man's eyes that really unnerved him, either disturbingly dark-colored, or so dilated it was a wonder he wasn't wearing heavy shades.

Either way, the strong impression for Zach was Shark. Run.

"My friend wanted the, uh, leather D&D book. It says thirty bucks." Zach held out the cash, and the man smiled and took it. He was relieved to see the merchant's teeth weren't pointed. That much creepy at once would have had him outta there.

"I think your friend will find it useful." The merchant nodded slowly. "There is something else you want."

"Umm, no, we're good, I think," Brian said, patting his pocket. "Kinda strapped for cash. Inventory space, too, by the looks of it, Carl, could you stuff this somewhere?"

Carl wordlessly took the book and dropped it in his hat, causing the bulge to grow. Zach was eyeing the rest of the merchant's goods as it hit him. "Hey, uh, you didn't really have a question mark on the end of that sentence, sir. What else is it that I want?" he joked, or tried to. The Merchant did smile again.

"I sell experiences. Or swords, I can never tell the difference. Seems having a good sword is an experience in and of itself."

Amy snorted. "Helluva sales pitch."

Zach wasn't listening as the Merchant produced a long, slim package from under the table and unwrapped it to reveal a beautiful two-handed sword in a polished, copper-and-rosewood sheath. He slid it partway out, revealing a long ricasso before the actual edge and fuller begun, unadorned by any decoration but gleaming in the poor lighting of the showfloor. Zach was completely smitten.

Carl grumbled to himself, leaning in to get a look. "Uug. So much want. Very poor. No moolah. Can't have."

The Merchant shook his head slowly, sliding the sword fully back into its sheath. "This will not cost you any material money, friends."

"So, what, sexual favors?" Amy sniped, prompting a withering glare from the Merchant, the first real emotion Zach had seen reach his eyes, in fact. The boys, however, each perked up. A free sword from DragonCon? How could anyone pass that up, even if there was a catch? Suspicion stirred between all of them, but desire was very much winning.

"It only costs you one thing if you want it. If you could go anywhere, 'real' or not, where would it be?"

None of them even had a chance to blink before the Merchant proffered the sword to Zach hilt-first. Zach looked at the others. He didn't actually intend to walk away with it, really, just get a good look. "And the boy... is... fast. You've chosen and been chosen in turn."

"Umm..." Zach stepped back, bumping a random Con-goer. This whole encounter was passing from unnerving to truly disturbing. How did he know I made up my mind? "Do... do I have to say where I'd go?"

The Merchant chuckled as Zach watched his own hand wrap around the sword hilt almost of it's own accord. That smile revealed a set of jagged, pointed teeth under his glittering black eyes.

"Oh, I'm sure they'll figure it out."

* * *

Zach was looking at a tree. His arm fell under the sudden and heavy weight of the sword and sheath in his hand, tip thudding to the ground.

He blinked, expecting the creepy Merchant, the Con, anything he had just been seeing, to reappear.

The silence after the crush of people on the showfloor pounded on him. He heard a soft crunch of boots-on-leaves and turned to see Carl standing in exactly the same spot relative to him, looking around wildly at the forest. Brian was just past him, mouth agape. He whirled around to see Amy, breathing heavily with closed eyes, open them only to screw them shut again, her lips moving quickly as she talked to herself.

Brian was the first to find his words. "What the actual-"

To Be Continued In Chapter 1: Finish That Sentence, I Dare You

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed To Do In RPGs #1688: Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab.

So this is a thing. I ask is you not judge based on preconceived notions and judge me by the story I tell, not those that have sucked before me. After all, I have somthing to prove.

Oh! And corrections/edits via PM, not in the comments section, please.

Chapter 1: Finish That Sentence, I Dare You

"-FUCK?!"

Brian's profanity echoed back at them through the trees, and the forest went even quieter in response.

"C-can you not yell, bro?" Carl slowly took a knee, digging his fingers into the mulch and dirt at his feet in fascination. He flinched as an insect skurried away between his fingers. "Dude..."

"What just happened?" Brian shouted, turning slowly on the spot. "Where is the 'Con? Where are we? How did we lose an entire city?"

"Boys," Amy pointed at Zach, voice clipped, "What are you wearing?"

Zach looked down at himself sharply, bringing a hand to his chest...

...and clanked.

His armor wasn't made of plastic.

In fact, he wasn't wearing what he went to the convention in. Full-bodied, startlingly lightweight plate armor and maile. Similar to the plastic version perhaps, but...

"Dude!" Carl patted himself down, then turned his oversized hat right-side-up and shook it, sending the book thudding to the ground. All of his wizard's accouterments seemed much... rougher. Lifelike. Realistic. He opened a pouch and a bundle of green and orange herbs tumbled out. "Where's my swag? Hell, where's my snacks?"

Zach flexed his fingers, creaking inside real leather gloves. "Carl. Priorities please. We're in the middle of a forest when we were at a convention seconds ago. Shouldn't that be more-"

"It's all real," Brian noted, pulling one of his long, jagged black daggers out of the sheath on his belt. "My costume is all real stuff now."

All four of them spent a good few minutes patting themselves down, examining their new clothing and gear. Amy plucked at the silk sleeves of her robe, concern worrying into her face. "This is all very cool and all, but where are we?"

The four of them looked at each other with increasing dread, panic rising quickly with every moment of silence. In a fit of precognition, Zach suddenly became very aware that things could only get much, much worse.

His pessimism was justified a second later.

"I can tell you where you're not."

The voice, or more, three voices in unison, hissed as something large descended from the trees with predatory grace. The tiger's-head grinned, baring saber-teeth. Zach froze, eyes sliding up to the goat head just behind it. "T-that's impossible..."

The serpent-tail wound it's way around the tiger's body to see them, adding its own sibilant hiss. "You are definitely, not... sssafe..."

"What the holy hell is that thing?" Brian shouted as he pulled out his second dagger. Carl jammed his wizard's hat on his head and picked up the leatherbound AD&D book, preparing to use it as a bludgeon. Amy gave a small scream and scrambled away, grabbing a crooked branch off the ground. All four of them quickly took steps backwards, away from the beast.

"It's a chimera!" Zach reported. "I've seen one before, it's a chimera!"

Brian took a moment to spare him a confused look. "Yeah, I can see that! What do we do?"

Zach grasped the sheath of the sword in his free hand, pulling it free with a heroic ring of honed steel. At that noise, the situation changed for everyone. Brian spun both his knives into reverse grips, crouching down, and Carl took an aggressive step forward, book raised higher. Zach tossed the sheath aside, saluting the beast with both hands on the grip and channeling his inner role-player. Zach was not useful here. Dawn Herdwatcher, Twice-Hero of Greyhawk, was who he needed to be. "We stand together! Chimera!"

"Oh? Yes?" All three heads looked surprised at the sudden change in demeanor. The tiger in particular seemed wary of the gleaming steel.

"I know of your weaknesses, and I will spare you happily if you should leave us be! Pray, tell us where we stand?" Zach lowered the sword, it was too heavy to hold up for too long.

"Oh, we're in the Centauri foothills, it's a very nice place since we moved here-" the goat head bleated happily before the tiger cut it off.

"Quiet, sister! Can you not have a conversation with our next meal every time one happens to talk?"

Brian clanged his daggers together, joining in on the facade. "Beware, beast! We will be no meal today!"

"You know not the forces with which you mettle!" Amy cried, voice shifted to the one she used when she playing Arin Silverbell, throwing her branch-arm wide and swirling her robe dramatically.

"I HAVE A BOOK AND I WILL BASH YOUR MOTHERFRIKIN FACE IN!" Carl screamed. "ALL FUKKIN' THREE OF 'EM! DON'T YOU FUKKIN' TRY ME, BITCH!"

"Classy, Carl. Smooth." Amy muttered.

"Nice try,"the tiger head growled. "I've never seen your kind before, but I can smell your fear."

"I can sssee your muscles ssshake..." the serpent hissed.

"You're fat!" the goat brayed.

"Fuck you!" Brian yelled, trying and failing to suck in his belly. "I'm not that fat!"

Zach took another step forward, lowering the sword point to dance between all three faces, point hovering mere inches away and trying very hard not to let it shake so much. His hands sweated like rivers in his gloves. "If you will not let us be, I will kill you, chimera."

All three heads rolled their eyes. "Oh, I doubt that."

"Look out!" Carl yelled.

Zach only registered what happened after he was already stumbling away: the chimera's paw had come up and batted his hands aside with force like a speeding truck. The sword went flying, bouncing and sliding across the leaves, and a stinging pain shot through Zach's left wrist.

Brian lunged toward the chimera, swinging both knives wildly. The snake head jerked back out of reach, and one of the goat's hooves caught him squarely in the thigh. "Gah! Zach! Strategy!"

"Shit shit OW! Shit!" Zach scrambled over a bush to get to his sword, pain lancing through his arm. "I think my wrist is broken!"

"Yeah? STRATEGY! NOW!"

"Uh..." Zach got his sword back into his hand, spinning back to face the fight and dragging the tip behind him. Carl was taking quick steps back, swinging his book as the serpent head snapped at him. "Music! The snake head can go down to a lullaby! Applejack used it's speed and mass against the rest it! Hey! Over here, you shithead!"

"Apple-who?" Brian asked, taking a hobbling step away.

"BRIAN!"

Amy's warning was to late, as the tiger's claws lashed out and swatted Brian's arm, sending him sprawling and a spray of crimson blood flying across the clearing. The world seemed to slow down and drain of color as Zach's mind and body drifted in two different directions.

That was blood. That was a lot of blood.

He raised the sword over his head and charged, screaming.

We need to save him. It's gonna kill him. It's gonna kill us all.

The chimera turned to face him, all three heads locking eyes on him.

It's gonna kill me.

Zach's charge and yell faltered as he realized how hopeless and foolish this was. A beast twice his size, all the raw power of a predator and three sets of eyes to avoid, a monster no human could take on-

The snake-head vanished rather suddenly as Carl smashed it with his book.

"Amy! Now!" Carl yelled, neatly sidestepping a lightning-fast kick from the goat-legs and swinging his book again, missing the goat's head by a mile.

Zach snapped back to reality as Amy's thrown stick came sailing through the air and cracked the tiger-head squarely across the jaw. Zach lunged the last few feet and swung his sword as hard as he could.

The blade bit deep, twisting in his grip and bouncing off of the bone above the creature's shoulder. All three heads screeched, and Zach managed to avoid the retaliatory swipe of the claws by falling over backwards and splaying across the leaves.

The chimera had had enough, apparently, and leapt away, dazed snake-head trailing behind it. Pained howling and bleating faded quickly into the trees as it vanished.

And like that, it was over.

Everyone held still, Zach could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears and feel it in his temple, vision swimming. Carl shifted nervously, book cocked back over his shoulder as he scanned the trees. A pitiful groan came from Zach's right as Brian tried and failed to roll himself onto his side.

"Brian!" Amy ran to her brother's side, gingerly helping him roll onto his back. "Oh God. Oh... oh God..."

"That bad?" Brian moaned, sounding oddly calm. Zach scrambled over on his hands and knees as Carl unclasped his cape and pressed it down hard on his bloody arm before Zach got a good look. Brian hissed, skin pale and sweaty.

"Dude's going into shock, Carl said, nodding at Brian's legs. "Prop him up."

"Yeah, guys?" Brian closed his eyes as Zach shrugged off his small backpack and positioned his friend's legs on it. "This kinda hurts."

Carl gave a high-pitched, unconvincing chuckle. "Heh. I bet. You're gonna be ok, broskie, I got ya. Talk to him, Amy, I gotta focus. Bro, c'mere, I can't cover all the cuts, give me a hand. Pressure. We gotta keep pressure on everything. Pressure."

Zach nodded dumbly, crawling hands-and-knees around to Brian's other side and kneeling shoulder-to-shoulder with Carl. He wrapped his good hand around the now-soaking cape and pressed down. Sickeningly, he felt bone give and the arm bend in the wrong place as he did.

Brian shuddered, eyes rolling into the back of his head.

Amy gave a sob, scooting across the leaves to cradle her brother's head in her lap. "Ssh, ssh, Bry, you're gonna be Ok. We got you. Carl knows what he's doing..."

"Do you know what you're doing?" Zach asked, much louder than he meant to. Everything sounded oddly muffled.

"Yuh-huh." Carl nodded, freeing himself a hand to push up his glasses leaving a bloody smear on the corner. "I got America's Army Two on Gog, like, a couple weeks ago. You gotta to sit through a combat lifesaving class if you want to be the Medic class. It's really cool, actually. Keep pressure, bro."

Amy giggled, tears running her makeup down her face. "F-fucking really? You learned first-aid from a video game? Never change, you faggot."

“Heh, yeah, good thing, huh?” Carl giggled, both hands back on the cape. “Ok, cool, the bleeding is slowing, that’s good. That's good. While we’re sitting here waiting for him to stop, uh, making a mess, can anyone think of something to use as a splint?”

“Uh, my sheath is around here, somewhere?” Zach pointed out. Carl shook his head.

“Too long. Actually, Amy's stick look about perfect if we broke it in half. Just keep still, for now.”

Amy nodded, rubbing Brian’s good shoulder. “Hear that, Bri? You’re gonna be fine!”

“Uung!” Brian groaned, “Yeah, that’s pretty good, huh? Still hurts!”

“Well, no shit, Sherlock! You got mauled by a tiger! How many guys can say they walked away from that?” Amy sniffed back more tears, smiling.

“Chimera. It had three heads.”

“Shut up, Zach. I’d slap you if I thought it wouldn’t hurt me more." Brian grumbled, getting a slightly more authentic laugh out of Amy as she shifted her support of his head and neck. It cut off shortly as they heard a faint… ringing. Zach’s mouth fell open as the first mote of light sparkled down in front of him.

"Dude… what?" Carl looked down from trying to undo one of his belts with a free hand to see golden light, brighter than the sunlight, shining over Brian. "Dude. What?"

"Is... is that normal? Carl?" Zach asked, leaning away. Brian blinked blearily and craned his neck to try and watch, fascinated.

Amy lifted her hands slightly, the light getting brighter. "I... I think I started it. It's... it's gonna be Ok."

"What the fuck is going on?" Zach asked.

"Today's shit is going way too fucking fast, bro. That's what the fuck is going on," Carl said, scooting back as the glow focused itself on Brian’s arm.

"It's healing me," Brian said. He shifted himself into a more upright position. "No, seriously, Amys’ healing me. I just felt my bone move back and it doesn't hurt anymore." He pushed himself fully upright as the lights played around him, and he pulled the blood-soaked cape away, revealing his torn sleeve and a trio of knotted scars that were slowly fading into his skin, his entire arm caked in his own blood. But no actual injury.

"Holy shit." Amy swore, and the light winked out instantly. Brian winced and grabbed the spot gingerly, massaging the now-sealed cuts.

"Ok, maybe it's still sore, but it's not broken. How'd you do that?"

"I don't fucking know!" Amy moaned, rubbing furiously at her face to wipe away the tear-tracks.

Brian sighed heavily, rolling to his knees and picking up his daggers to slot them back into their sheaths. "I think I'm starting to figure it out, though. Has anyone besides me see the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon?"

Amy raised her hand, and Zach and Carl blinked. Brian shrugged, used to this reaction, and summed it up. "Buncha nerds get transported to a fantasy world, got their character's powers and shit. We got something like that going on."

"A good summary as any," Amy said, sighing. She looked too tired to make a proper smartass remark.

Zach nodded along with Carl, then stopped. His eyes got unfocused as the rest of his stress-torn mind caught up with him. "Oh fuck me. I know where we are."

"Awesome, dude. How? Can we just chill for a bit, too?" Carl sat back, sighing. Brian crossed his legs, trying to wipe blood off of himself.

"Where, man? This might be important."

"I think it is. When he asked if there was any place I'd like to go, and he said 'real or not....' Oh man, you guys are about to lose so much respect for me..." Zach almost buried his face in his hands before remembering they respectively sprained and were covered in bloody gloves, feeling the heat rise in his face like a volcano. "I thought of my favorite fantasy world. I... I thought of MLP."

The group was silent for a second. Amy was the first to speak up.

"What's M-L-P?"

Zach felt his face go even redder, he could hear his heart pounding in his temples as Carl spoke slowly. "It's uh, short for My Little Pony, I think. It's that-"

"I know what it is," Brian bit out. Zach looked up in shock at the absolute venom in his voice.

"Herdwatcher. Dawn Herdwatcher. Oh my god, you MASSIVE FUCKING FAGGOT!" Brian leapt to his feet. Zach found himself scrambling upright against a tree, armor clanking. "You named your character, the freaking savior of Greyhawk twice over... AFTER A LITTLE GIRL CARTOON?"

"H-hey, now, it's not-"

"YOU SENT US TO FREAKING PONYLAND?!"

"Umm, it's actually called-"

"FINISH THAT SENTENCE, I DARE YOU!"

Brian was visibly shaking, hands gripping the pommels of his daggers with white knuckles under his own drying blood. Amy looked more afraid for her life than when the chimera had been trying to eat them. "Zach, I don't think you should finish that sentence."

A new voice added itself to the mix above them.

"What in Celestia's name did I just fly in on?"

Zach looked up to see a figure hovering over them. A figure he never expected to see. A pegasus. Mustard-brown coat, purple eyes, greyscale mane under a pith helmet. Four hooves, two wings, and a compass. His head spun at the sheer improbability of what he was seeing, before finally shutting down and letting his mouth run on autopilot.

"Oh. You're Daring Doo," he said bluntly. The pegasus’ jaw was already hanging open in surprise, but it truly dropped at that. Zach eased himself into a sitting position against the tree, cradling his wrist. “I’m in Equestria, and you’re Daring Doo.... I didn’t like your episode much.”

“What?” Daring Doo shook her head sharply. “My... my what? What the flying feathers are you talking about? Who the flying feathers are you?”

“I'm Zach,” Zach breathed, still in awe. “You’re Daring Doo. Adventure-horse. Oh wow.”

All five individuals present stared at each other, no motion besides the pegasus' gentle flapping to remain airborne. Carl broke the stillness by flopping over backwards, throwing his hands up and splaying himself across the leaves.

"Can today just stop with the bullshit?"

To Be Continued in Chapter 2: Catching One's Breath

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed To Do In An RPG #1785: I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.

I made this as not-shit as possible while hitting all the Displaced mememes, how am I doing?

Chapter 2: Catching One's Breath

Daring Do nodded slowly as Brian summed up everything that had led up to the current situation. Amy knelt over Zach, hands hovering over his arm as she frowned at his sprained wrist, trying to get the sparkling glow to come back. The story had taken about five minutes overall, during which Daring Do had interrupted a few times for a clarification, to which Zach provided a quick answer. Carl, meanwhile, was rifling through all of his pouches, examining the powders and strange odds-and-ends inside.

I really hope some of this stuff come with an instruction manual, somewhere. And that none of it's poisonous. Carl squinted through his glasses at a tiny dried mushroom.

“-then the other three messed the thing up pretty bad, we figured out what planet we're on, and you showed up. That’s basically it,” Brian finished.

“That’s… well, unique,” Daring said, “You seemed pretty mad when I showed up, though, what was that about?”

Brian glared at Zach. “I had bit of a shock.”

“I gotta say, you're taking it worse than I thought you would. I never thought it was a huge deal…” Zach said, cringing.

"Actually, I think everyone is taking this a bit too well." Amy said, "You almost just died, we're in cartoon-land-"

"Equestria." Daring Do and Zach corrected her at the same time. Amy swatted Zach across the top of the head before putting her hands back on his wrist.

"-I just got corrected by a tiny pegasus while trying to use magic when none of this was a thing an hour ago! I mean, come on! Can someone freak out? Can someone panic? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE PRETEND THEY'RE STILL A NORMAL HUMAN BEING FOR A LITTLE BIT?!"

Amy's voice shot up an octave as she started yelling herself, leaning forward. Right onto Zach's wrist. Carl winced sympathetically as Zach vocalised his discomfort.

"OW!"

"Suck it up, you sissy," Amy snapped.

Daring Do blinked, bemused. "Is she always like this?"

Brian and Carl echoed "Yes" at the same time Zach said "No," prompting them to all look at each other for agreement. Carl quickly changed the subject.

"I'm kinda beyond the point of freaking out and came right back to normal, bro. Any luck using that magic again?" He set this now-empty belt pouches aside and went back to attempting to scrub dry blood off of his his hands. "Otherwise we should probably find a hospital or something. Does this, uh... Equestria have hospitals, dude?"

Zach nodded, looking to their Daring Do for support. "Yeah, I think so. Miss Daring Doo, ma'am?"

"If you're willing to walk about two-hundred kilometers east, yeah, I'm sure you could head to the Las Pegasus Medical Center," Daring Doo shrugged. "Other than that I recommend you get that magic going. What are you trying to do there?"

"Since I healed my brother's life-threatening injuries with magic, I'm trying to fix Zach's boo-boo. Except I've never fucking used magic before. Except I never knew real magic existed until a hour ago!" Amy threw her hands up, sitting back.

"Try crying again? You were bawling your eyes out the first time," Zach said, completely serious.

Amy punched him. Hard.

Carl had never seen someone be knocked out cold, but that was what he just watched happen and it was hilarious.

***

After the third attempt with Daring Do's coaching, the musical ringing returned, followed by the light.

"It's working! It's actually working!"

"I know, Bri! Shut up and let me concentrate! Aaaand it's gone." Amy sat back with a huff as the light and sound winked out.

"Try again. Remember, confidence is key for most forms of magic, if you don't believe it will work, it simply won't." Daring Doo's said in a soothing tone.

Carl leaned over him, grinning. "Well, it worked a bit. Hey, bro."

Zach moaned, eyes fluttering open.

"Oh, great, he's awake." Amy bit out.

"You... you knocked me out..." Zach asked groggily, trying to sit up.

Amy pushed him back down. "I'm sorry, I- shut up, I'm fixing it! Hold still!"

"She actually used magic, dude, let her try again," Carl explained, then cackled. "Bro, she knocked you the fuck out!"

Zach held still, nervous as Amy held both hands over his face. Daring Do put a wing in front of Carl and pushed him back as she coached them.

"Remember, it works. You just have to know that it works and do it."

Amy nodded, faint ringing starting again, and closed her eyes. "I understand. Ok, one, two, three... Cure Light Wounds."

The swelling on Zach's face subsided quickly and Amy floated her hands down his arm to his wrist. Zach had the most terrified expression on his face as he sat frozen, until she cracked an eye open and peeked. "Are you done? C'mon, some feedback, here!"

"Y-yeah, I'm good. How long was I out?" Zach asked.

"I'unno, two minutes?" Brian said, trying to tie his shredded, blood-soaked sleeve back with one hand. "Hey, can I get some more heals on my leg? It kicked me pretty good, too."

Daring Do nodded as Amy shifted over to her brother. "That would be smart. You four have a bit of a trot to civilization. Charon is at the end of the valley."

"Yeah, um... can you... maybe... lead the way?" Zach asked, tugging off his gloves to inspect his hands. "I mean, I don't even know where in Equestria we are."

Daring Do sighed heavily. "Probably because you aren't in Equestria, and I don't have time to babysit a bunch of lost idiots across Tambelon. I need to get to Orchid Tower before tomorrow morning, and that's the opposite direction-"

"We'll come with you!" Zach interjected, excited. "I mean, we're all kitted up as Adventurers, we won't get in the way-"

"Woah! Hold up, who put you in charge?" Brian cut him off, hauling himself to his feet. Zach jumped up as well. Carl rolled his eyes and sat back, putting on his Giant Wizard Hat and pulled the brim down over his eyes, not wanting any part of the drama.

"I happen to know quite a bit about, uh, this world! And following Daring freaking Do here on an adventure is probably the best thing we can do!"

"She's a tiny fucking horse! How is she supposed to help us do anything?! What the hell are we going to do following a tiny fucking horse through the woods?!"

"Hey! Tiny 'fucking' horse is right here!" Daring gave a flap, dislodging Carl's hat and rising to hover at their head-level.

"SHUT UP TINY HORSE!" Brian yelled, an edge of panic in his voice.

Zach stepped in between them, raising his fist. "Y-you watch your mouth! I've had enough of your hatin' shit-!"

"Or what, you faggot, you'll rainbow me?" Brian snarled.

A stick was jabbed in between them, followed shortly thereafter by an angry Amy as she rounded on her brother, and Daring Doo swooped in as well, hoof planting itself in Zach's chest and driving him back, leaving him nose to nose with the pegasus.

"Look!" Daring growled, pushing off Zach and flying above all of them, "You idiots cut this out right now and I'll cut you a deal; you guys follow me to Orchid Tower, wait outside for the night, and if you don't slow me down to much... I'll personally lead you to the Monastery. But no arguing and I'm in charge."

"Ok, yeah." Zach stepped back. "I'm ok with that deal."

Amy nodded, her branch pressed up against Brian's chest. "I'll play along, it's that or be lost in the forest. Bri?"

Brian ground his teeth, glaring down at the ground. "Carl?"

Carl started, having been staring blankly at the lot of them, bloodstained hands held up defensively. I mean, what else are we gonna do? I don't exactly have a map, here. "Umm... I'm gonna follow adventure horse, bro. Seems legit."

"I don't have much of a choice then, do I?" Brian huffed.

"Fine, come on, I've wasted enough time here as it is." Daring landed and began trotting, leaving them to scramble for their dropped or discarded gear. Carl sneexed violently as he stuffed his weird herbs and packets of powders into his bags, hiking it up around his waist as he jogged to catch up with Amy, Brian and the pegasus. Zach fell behind him as he scrambled through the leaves for his sword-sheath.

He caught up a minuite later, flushed and already sweaty, without the sheath and using his sword as a walking stick. That armor must have been heavy.

"Bro, you gonna live?" Carl asked. Zach nodded mutely.

"That's bad for your blade, mister. You should clean it before it rusts." Daring Doo called back over her shoulder. "I met a Griffon once who inherited his father's sword and he ruined it beyond repair in under a month."

"Kids these days." Amy rolled her eyes, picking up another branch to use as a hiking stick and snapping off a few twigs. "Anyone got a full waterskin?"

"Waterskin?" Zach propped his sword blade up across his shoulder, searching his belt and finding a few leather bags on the back, one corked and sealed but clearly empty. "N-no, I'm dry. I could really use a drink, though."

Daring flicked her tail. "Tough nuggets, then, unless it rains. No rivers around here, and the nearest well is in the other direction. You'll all survive a day or two."

Brian gave a weak smile, a good amount of sweat already on his forehead. "Conserve your energy, then. Could be a long day or two."

It wasn't much further until the uphill slope resolved itself into a proper cliff. Zach stopped, looking up the winding switchbacks going straight up the side and voiced his displeasure. "Oh, come on!"

"UUUUUG!" Daring Do moaned, running both hooves through her mane. "Really? the Tower is literally just at the top, it's not much farther!"

Amy leaned against a tree, stretching and fanning herself with her rolled-up robe. "I hate to point out the obvious, but you can fly. We can't."

The three boys were in considerably worse shape than Amy, all panting and sweating under their thicker layers of clothes. Carl had pulled open his wizard's robe as far as it would go and tucked his hat and bloodstained cape under his arm, plucking at his tunic. Brian had straight-up discarded half of his belts and straps and headband through the forest behind them, his black shirt stained with white sweat-dust and chubby cheeks flushed bright pink. Zach looked terrible, the best he had managed was to stuff his gloves into a pouch and loosen his breastplate and neck-guard slightly. He panted shamelessly, planting both hands against the cool stone of the cliff face.

"Look, tinyhorse..." Brian sat down, picking at the wraps around his ankles, "If it's a straight shot, you go on ahead. We'll catch up eventually, we're really not cut out for this. You said you're not going in until night."

"Yeah, don't let us slow you down." Zach rasped, mouth dry. He swallowed hard, trying to clear his throat. "S-sorry, that sounded really bad. I'm good, I swear."

Daring looked at them with a mixture of concern and aggravation. "Ok, if you say so. You'll see it as soon as you make it to the top."

With that, she hunkered down and leaped and shot skyward in a tan blur, vanishing over the top of the cliff in seconds. Amy shaded her eyes as she watched the pegasus go.

"Dayum, she fast." Carl noted.

Zach sat down, twisting the greaves around his leg to rub a sore spot where it pinched. "Pegasus have magic that let's them fly and control the weather."

"Cool story." Carl undid his belt and pulled his robe over his head, stripping to his tunic and a pair of rough brown shorts, knowing he must look ridiculous with a strip of skinny leg between them and his boots. Zach shot him an envious glare as he struggled to shift his armor to get more air flowing under it.

Brian scooted over to Zach. "Hey, you want help getting that off?"

"Please." Zach held out his arm so his friend could get at the small leather cords holding the arm-pieces on. With a bit of a struggle, they slid off the entire assembly from his shoulder-down. The sleeve under it turned out to be a exotic mix to be a mix of thick cloth, leather trim and steel mail woven in to protect the joints. It took a little longer to untie the left arm, and Carl lent a hand to release the shoulder, chest and back plates to free him. Zach sighed in relief, undoing the collar of his padded doublet to cool himself.

"Ok, we should probably roll out. It would be a little dumb if we got left out after dark." Brian finished tying the pieces of armor together with the last of his straps into an improvised backpack, indicating to Zach he should turn around so he could secure it to his back.

Carl rose wordlessly, tying his rolled-up wizard robe round his waist by the sleeves and putting the giant hat back on his head, and starting slowly up the steep path. The others followed. The longest journey and all that shit... I am gonna hate life tomorrow. Or this is a nightmare and I wake up. That'd be sweet.

They were silent for a bit, focused on their footing. The path was wide but rough, with loose patches of rocks and thick roots of the odd tree growing out the side. Brian broke the silence as they trudged. "So, uh... I was thinking-"

"You can think?"

"C'mon, Amy, please. Zach... you know quite a bit about his world, right?" Brian asked. Carl glanced over his shoulder to where they trailed behind him, interested in where Brian's questions would be going.

"Y-yeah, more or less. What did you need?"

Carl skirted a particularly large boulder cautiously as Brian went where he thought he might. "Well, since magic is a thing now... like, how's it work?"

Zach fell silent for a bit, as Carl's head spun with the possibilities. If Amy could Cure Light Wounds, then he should at least be able to-

"Well... show canon was pretty vague. It is treated as more of a science here, but there seems to be a lot of different flavors. All three of the pony races use it differently, Amy's stuff actually kinda looked and sounded like Unicorn magic. Y'know, with the light and sound. Unicorns can explicitly cast spells related to their talents."

Brian snorted derisively. "There are freakin' unicorns too? What else? Mer-ponies?"

"Earth Ponies. No wings or horn." Zach said, sounding like he was trying to instruct a child.

"Sounds like a bit of a handycap, bro," Carl called back, "Your buddies can fly or use magic, you can... I'dunno?"

Zach sighed. "You'd be kind of right, but Earth Ponies seem to have a physical or will advantage over the other races in everything that's not flying or moving things with your mind. Officially, they have a 'stronger connection to the Earth.' Most of my favorite ponies are Earth Ponies."

So, a race of horsey Captain Americas? Carl thought, trying not to giggle at the thought of a star-spangled pony.

"Anyway," Brian interjected, "back on the subject; magic. If Amy can cast Cleric spells, logically... Carl should be able to cast his Wizard spells. Tinyhorse Prime was able to walk her through the basics, do you think we'd be able to get Carl spun up on the whole magic thing? A Wizard would be hella useful."

Carl stopped at the wide part of a switchback turn, sitting on a boulder and tugging off a boot to shake out a rock and explain the problem with that line of thought. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense, but I don't have a spellbook, dude. No way to know what spells I have prepped."

"You do, actually." Amy stopped as well, kneeling down and wincing. Her boots had a significant raised heel, and it was making for hard going across the rocks.

Everyone stopped to watch as she summoned the glowing light to heal her ankle, fascinated. Amy stood again, testing out the leg. "Huh, works pretty good. No idea how many of my per-days I'm going through, but worth it. Yeah, Carl, your book is a spellbook. It flew open when you were swinging it around, lots of weird text on the inside."

"Really?!" Carl twisted around, unclasping his largest bag and pulling out the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Player's Handbook and tearing it open, then blinked as he saw a lot of very small font and no words he understood. "Oh. Shit."

"What?" Zach asked tiredly.

"Magic is complicated. There's like... Christ on a tricycle, it's like, six pages to cast a freaking Magic Missile! I can't even say half these words! Den-dustria saggy-what? Dude." Carl whined, flicking back a few pages in a search for some English. He found it, but still talking about things never even heard of. Thauma node alignment? Is that a real word?

Brian shrugged. "Guess that's why all the good wizards have eighteen Intelligence. Probably worth it, though."

Carl snapped the book shut, glaring at Brian's little smirk. "Save your breath, smartass, and get hiking. I'll figure it out eventually."

Amy groaned as she pulled herself up her walking stick to her feet again and started after her brother. Carl took a moment to look out, away from the switchback and over the very tops of the trees to see the shallow valley they had first arrived it.

For just a moment, then, he felt his heart lift as he saw the incredible view of the forested hills and the red sun just above the horizon.

This was already the experience of a lifetime. Maybe he didn't want it to be another weird Red Bull dream.

If he survived the hike.

To Be Continued in Chapter 3: In Convenience

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed To Do In RPGs #517: I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.

So, I had to establish things from a stable perspective, but the viewpoint will steadily and consistently change between chapters. 'Cause I'm a noob like that and tricked myself into thinking that works. Miss Alpha Snarky 1 is up next.

Chapter 3: In Convenience

Amy let out a sigh of relief as she cleared the last step of the stairs. The carved steps had been a welcome relief when they had appeared, as the rough dirt before had been awful on her ankles every time her fancy boots had landed on an irregularity.

Then she learned that the Cure line did nothing for fatuige, and her thighs were killing her after trudging up so many steps. She wanted the rough, less-steep ground back. Injury was preferable.

At the top of the cliff was the ruins of some kind of village, or maybe an incredibly worn larger structure like a castle. Chunks of masonry and the remains of walls stuck out of the grass at even intervals, none higher than her waist, save for a single prominent tower not twenty meters away. She sat down on one of the larger chunks of stone to rest as Zach joined her.

"D'you... hoo!" Zach gasped, hands on his knees, before continuing, "D'you think that's it?"

Amy felt an eyebrow go up, and she stared silently at him until Zach noticed.

"What?"

"I don't know, there's so many towers to choose from around here. Could be any of them." Amy said, planting her walking stick and pulling herself up. "Do we wait for the others, or keep on going? I mean, they might get lost without-"

"Ok, I get it, stupid question." Zach grumbled. "Let's keep going, if I stop I'm not gonna start again."

She nodded, listening for the other two and hearing nothing, then starting after Zack as he clanked ahead of her. He looked slightly bottom-heavy with his waist-down encased in chrome, and Amy bet his legs were far worse off.

She was actually kind of impressed how little any of the boys were complaining. Brian she expected it from, she'd heard it for the whole week after his camping trip with the Boy Scouts, but he had stayed oddly stoic the whole time. Carl had simply kept finding better ways to cool off and seemed to be taking everything in stride a little too well, and while Zach was clearly suffering he was simply too enthused to be anything but positive.

Amy made up her mind right there that the only thing she would complain about was things she was fixing right then and there. I may be the youngest, but I'm the one Mom and Dad always trusted. I have to be responsible.

An exhausted cheer came from ahead of her, and she stepped over the last crumbled wall to see Zach with one hand planted on the wall of the lone tower, sinking to his knees. She quickly took note of the rough pile of twigs and tinder on a broken wooden beam set beside the entrance to the tower, guessing their talking pegasus guide had arranged it for them, and started picking out spots of mossy ground that would make good resting spots.

"Well, it's not the state park, but I guess it works." Amy unclasped the cape over her robe and the ties on her belt, dropping them unceremoniously on a patch of tall grass. She patted Zach on the head as he rolled into a sitting position, shrugging off his pack. "You hurt anywhere on the way?"

Zach shook his head before speaking raspily. "Bit of chafing, nothing worth a magic."

Amy rolled her eyes. "We have to figure out my per-days somehow. Let me at it."

She helped him get the remainder of the plate armor off, revealing a thick pair of quilted trousers and leather boots, and he pointed out where the armor had pressed against the side of his knees and rubbed it raw. Amy held her hands out toward his legs and took a deep breath. If I did it before, I can do it again. it already happened. It's already healed... I just need to feel that.

"Cure Light Wounds!"

Amy felt the not-unpleasant sensation of the skin on her hands vibrate as the magic flowed into them and out toward her charge, accompanied by a faint ringing and the golden light. The other two boys staggered up as Zach gave a thumbs up. Brian leaned heavily on the much thinner Carl, who somehow seemed to be supporting the much bigger boy's weight.

"Ok, I'm good. Guys?" Zach pointed questioning between them and Amy, effectively volunteering her.

Carl wordlessly waved her off while Brian collapsed against a low wall, both breathing deeply. Amy stood up, brushing dust off of her robe. "Alright. I'll try to get the fire going, then."

She knew the theory, at least. A ring of stones, a pile of the tinder, one bigger chunk of wood, and a straight stick. Rub stick between hands on wood until fire.

Eight minutes later she handed it off to Zach, hands blistering, arms sore and nothing gained but more practice self-healing. Zach didn't even last that long, and Carl even less. Brian used a different approach, holding the stick tight and rubbing along a slot in the wood, and managed to get the wood and stick to darken and smell burnt, but not a puff of smoke rose from their efforts.

"Sun's gone." Carl pointed out unnecessarily, taking off his glasses. Amy rolled her eyes at him.

"Duh. It's called night, and knowing our luck, see those clouds up there? The ones reflecting a bit of red?" Amy pointed them out. "Ever heard the sailor saying? Red sky at... umm..."

She chewed her lip, trying to remember the exact wording until a gust of cold wind played across the ruins around them, and she shivered. "P-point is, it might rain. Those clouds look a bad time."

Brian stood up, hands on his knees to steady his still-shaky legs. "We better get inside and huddle up, we could get hypothermia."

"You got it, Boy Scout." Amy grabbed up the fire-making supplies and her walking stick.

"Yeah, yeah. Look for a dry spot, and we can use the capes as blankets... Dammit, it is dark in here. " Brian stumbled, lowering himself to the ground to feel around.

Amy dropped the tinder unceremoniously, a small smile coming to her as she held her finger to the top of her walking stick. "Well... I bet I can solve that at least. Light!"

The result nearly blinded them, but the end of her stick instantly lit up with clean white light. Amy felt her chest swell with pride.

"Ok, cool." Brian said, looking around. He plopped down on spot where the dust had piled up in a corner. "Not a Best Western, but get comfy and try to get some sleep."

Amy unclasped her thin cape, throwing it out for everyone to lay across, as Carl unbundled his clothes to use at his larger, thicker wizard robe as a blanket. Zach laced the collar of his thick doublet back up, awkwardly settling down next to Brian. Amy lay down on the end, putting her brother in the middle as Carl sat on the far side, propping open his new spellbook and squinting at the words.

Brian threw his arm over both her and Zach's shoulders for a second, grinning mischievously as Amy pulled Carl's robe over all four of them. "No homo. Night, fucksticks."

"Please don't make this weirder than it is, man." Zach said. Brian took his arm back. Carl grunted in annoyance he tried to read.

Amy found herself staring out at the fading light through the door of the tower. A distant cloud moved, and revealed the first stars glimmering into existence. Her eyes shifted to the old stonework of the doorframe, examining the moss and pits on the rock.

It wasn't... right. She finally put her finger on what had been bothering her about the environment. She knew she had to be dreaming, but she always used to dream very lucidly, in control...

She wasn't. This felt too real. She'd never been cold, or hungry or tired in a dream. She'd never rolled an ankle. She could accept seeing some strange sort of aliens in reality, maybe, at a stretch. So now, only one thing worked like in her dreams.

Amy wriggled her hand out from under the robe and held it in front of her face. The fancy silver polish she had done instead of her usual black was already starting to chip from the surprise day af abuse. A callus from her fire-starting attempt had escaped her healing spell. She considered it for a moment. A deep breath and moment of focus called a golden aura to dance around her fingers.

She hesitated, just watching how the light moved, interested in how clearly-defined the field of energy was. Magic worked like in Amy's dreams. Believe, and it worked powered on faith alone. And she was starting to believe this was actually happening. The magic shimmered, ready for her will, gathered around the blister on her palm. She could just erase it. It would all be over, if she wanted. Right?

With a frown, the light winked out, and Amy clenched her fist and closed her eyes. No, she thought, pushing herself closer to her brother's warmth, the boys need every bit of safety I can give them. I can't waste it on myself.

As the light on the end of Amy's staff slowly faded to nothing, they huddled together in the night.

***

Amy woke with something hard and dusty touching her mouth. He eyes snapped open to see Daring Do, the tower room behind her lit by nothing but starlight, with her hoof pressed to her mouth and a glare on her muzzle. She made a very slow "ssh" motion with her free hoof, and Amy, sensing the tension, nodded slowly, blinking away her tiredness as quickly as she could.

"No time to explain." Daring Do whispered, taking her hoof back. "Get your friends to the top of the tower. Ahuizotl's lackeys are on their way. I shoulda seen this coming."

"Ahui-what?" Amy whispered back, rising.

"Bad guys. Move!"

Daring gave a flap and flew up to a high window, perching in the frame like some four-hooved bird-of-prey, then slipped out of sight into the sky. She rolled to her feet and quickly covered both Brain and Zach mouths and gave a shake.

The boy's eyes flew open in a panic and Amy quickly shushed them, leaning in over them. "Not. A. Word. Get upstairs. Ambush."

Brian's eyes widened in panic, but he pulled himself up and shook Carl awake. Zach's eyes, meanwhile, lit up, and clambered to his feet, clinking faintly as he lunged for his armor pieces.

Amy winced. "Quiet, you idiot!"

That was the moment Daring Do came rocketing back inside in a gust of wind as they went about gathering their things. "Forget quiet, they know we're here! Top of the tower, NOW! I'll hold them off!"

Amy gaped, fumbling for her walking stick as Daring Do shot off again with a battle cry and was met by a feline yowl. Brian grabbed her by the arm and drug her toward the half-crumbled stairs, yelling orders. "Up! Everyone up! Don't put it on, Zach, just carry it! Up!"

Amy nearly tripped on the shadowy stones again, gasping in pain as her shin hit the top step and falling into the wall of the second floor of the tower. Biting back the pain, she shoved her staff up into the air and focused. "Light!"

The tower lit up, this time much more muted but still bright in the deep of night. Brian tested the rotting ladder leading up to the roof, waving them up. A clash of steel rang out below, and the sounds of a pitched battle broke out just outside.

Amy held her magical torch high as she reached the rain-worn stone at the very top of the tower. Zach, Carl then finally Brian climbed up behind her, then Brian dragged the ladder up with a grunt.

"There." Brain sat down hard, rubbing the small of his back. "That oughta hold 'em. Zach! Lore check!"

"Daring called him Owi-zotil?" Amy said.

Zach jammed his arm through the pieces of his shoulder armor, and Amy helped tie the leather cords at the shoulder to keep it on as he yanked on the glove and fumbled for the other pieces. "Ahuizotl. Cat-monkey with hands, and megalomania usually seen in cartoon villains but actually kinda vicious. He has a bunch of-" Zach cut off, dropping his chestplate and snatching up his longsword, eyes locked on whatever was behind Amy.

Amy turned to see a black panther, standing on it's hind legs. Unhooking a spiked club from its belt. Snarling.

"Those. Big anthro cats. Mercenary-types." Zach stepped around in front of her and shaking off the half-assembled right arm save the leather glove, sword pointed at the cat-creature. A second cat, jaguar in appearance, leapt cleanly up through the hole in the floor, brandishing a rusty-looking curved sword.

Amy put her hand on Zach's shoulder, speaking to everyone. "Hold on. Let them come to us."

"Yeah, wasn't planning on charging this time." Zach shifted his weapon into a two-handed guard. "I'm a little exposed here. We should stall until Daring-"

Daring Do flew up over the edge of the roof gracelessly, landing on her side to their right with a pained "Oof!" They watched her struggle to her hooves and Zach groaned. "Well, there goes the DPS."

Brian tugged on her sleeve, drawing her and Zach toward the fallen pegasus. His voice was taunt and raspy with nerves. "Amy, get Adventure Horse topped off. Zach, tank. Carl, watch the flank. Pike formation. Healer stays up at all costs."

Carl accepted the dagger Brian offered him, coolly flicking open his spellbook to an early page with the blade. "Copy that, bro."

Amy and Zach kept their eyes trained on the slowly approaching cats as they walked in formation to Daring's position. Amy ran all the spells she thought were in the first few levels through her head, trying to pick the most optimal for a real-world fight before kneeling by the injured pegasus.

"So, on a scale of one to ten..." Amy asked, trailing off as she channeled her golden glow over Daring's wings and the shallow slice on her side.

Daring snorted as the magic even straightened her feathers. "This is barely a five. I've been hurt way worse before, the Sapphire Stone incident was probably a seven-"

"I was gonna ask how dead we all are, seeing as we don't have any training it's basically two armed on one unarmed, then two armed on four worthless." Amy said bitterly. The fact that Daring Do still had blood on her made her stomach turn, but she gritted her teeth and focused on staying sarcastic.

"Oh. Cheery at this hour, aren't you? Well, keep that magic flowing and the cats' pretty much in the bag, so long as the ones outside don't have a way to climb-"

With a clank, a grapnel and rope flew up over the outer edge of the roof, and three more feline forms scrambled over... a wildcat, a tiger and a hulking lioness with a log-club nearly as big as Brian.

"Eh. Let's call it an even fight." Daring Do shrugged as the first few drops of rain fell out of the starless sky.

"Well shit." Brian growled. "Any tips?"

"Yeah." Daring Do spread her wings, scuffing her hoof on the stone. "Stop tempting fate. Try not to die. Dibs on the big one."

With that, Daring Do left a blast of wind behind her as she vanished from the formation, reappearing with her hind hoof firmly planted in the lionesses jaw, and the whole thing went to hell.

Zach gave a panicked shout, and Amy turned her attention back to their front just in time to see the panther complete an incredible fifteen-foot leap toward them, club crashing down on Zach's sword as he raised it to meet the attack. Amy gasped, hand bracing Zach from behind as his knees nearly buckled. The panther's lips pulled back in a vicious smile.

"Boss only wanted the pony. Looks like we get to eat well tonight!" The cat licked it's lips menacingly as it pushed harder against the sword, trying to force Zach's own weapon into his exposed face.

"Why does... Everything... In Equestria... RRAH!" Zach heaved and twisted his sword, causing the club to slide off to the side. He kicked out with his armored legs, clipping the cat's shin with the toe of his boot. "Why does everything want to eat us?"

"Let's not be Meow Mix tonight, please. I got your back so long as you keep them away. Bless!" Amy channeled her magic, and was shocked as it filled her own mind, demanding her attention to maintain.

Which was a problem, seeing as the battle really wanted her attention. She glanced back to see Daring Do grab the wildcat in a chokehold and judo-throw it across the tower, something she never thought was even possible until after that moment. There was a clang, and she whipped back to see Zach make space between them and their own opponents with a wide sweep of his sword. Amy firmly directed her concentration that way.

She watched Zach's shoulders rise and fall as he took a deep breath, lowering himself into a steady stance, sword braced in front of him. The club-wielding panther lunged again, aiming to beat Zach's weapon out of the way. Zach raised his hilt to meet it and had his guard smashed aside, and Amy's heart leapt into her throat. She lunged past him as the club looped around for an overhead blow, and Amy swung her stick like a baseball-bat and swatted the attack aside. Zach gave a primal roar and dove forward, driving his armored shoulder into the cat's ribs.

Amy hopped back as the jaguar lunged in, driving her attention back to maintaining her Bless spell on Zach. It was just in time as he blocked the scimitar with the metal over his forearm and swung his sword wildly with one hand, driving both cats back. They circled just out of his reach as Amy put an extra few feet between herself and the fight.

"Amy, down!" Brian yelled. Amy turned to see what the fuss was, only to dive flat as both Daring Do and the tiger flew just over her head, Daring smashing the beast bodily into the floor. Her Bless spell fizzled, and Zach gave a cry of pain behind her, staggering back toward her as he was double-teamed, bleeding from his unarmored arm.

Amy staggered to her feet, twisting her ankle in her boot again, but gritting her teeth and charging the cats attacking Zach. With a scream, she swung her stick only to have it easily blocked by the jaguar's sword. The rusty metal bit into the birch branch, and Amy had a second to consider the terrible mistakes she had made in her life that let to that moment as the panther leapt at her from the side, Zach moving back into the fight too slow to stop it.

"Scin-tillula!"

At Carl's cry, a tiny burst of bright sparkles appeared mid-air. It would have been utterly pathetic, and in any other situation would have cause Amy to burst into laughter at the letdown save for where the light occurred.

The panther snarled and closed it's eyes as the sparks flew directly at its face, and Amy stepped just far enough to the side to avoid the club as it whistled blindly through the air. She yanked her staff free from the jaguar's sword and swung mightily at the panther, catching the bottom of its jaw. With a crack, the cat went limp and thudded to the rooftop with a wet crunch. Amy, Zach and the jaguar hesitated in surprise. Amy and Zach looked at the jaguar. The jaguar looked back, face falling as Amy smirked.

"And 'round the table it goes." Amy widened her stance, focusing on casting Cure on herself and Zach as Carl and Brian stepped up beside her. "Let's rumble, fuzzball!"

The jaguar gave a nervous smile. "Aah... maybe later."

And with that the cat stepped backward and down through the hole in the roof.

"That was... stunningly anticlimactic." Carl noted.

Amy dusted off her hands, turning to see how Daring had handled the rest of her fight, just in the nick of time to see her kick the wildcat to the edge of the roof where it pinwheeled its arms, dropping its long dagger. Daring glanced back at them with a cocky grin.

The wildcat lunged out and grabbed her tail as it slipped off the roof. Amy saw the moment of regret clearly cross Daring's face before she was dragged over the edge.

"No!" Zach lunged toward where they fell, but Amy saw somthing else out of the corner of her eye. She grabbed him before he could get much farther.

"Guys?" Amy turned Zach to where the lioness was standing up, shaking it's head blearily. "I don't think that was the climax."

The lioness glared at them, hefting its club and rising to its full, towering height. The four teens instinctively stepped closer to each other as the beast let loose a roar unlike anything they had heard before.

"B-brian?" Carl whimpered. "I only have a Ray of Frost left..."

"What's the plan?" Zach growled, rolling his unarmored shoulder and twisting the grip of his sword in his hand. Brian just gaped as the lioness started toward them, growling like an engine.

"Brian!" Amy shouted, stepping up to the front with their swordsman.

Brian blinked, looking at all of them. Amy cocked her walking stick back over her shoulder like a bat again, Zach sweating furiously as he stood to body-block for her, Carl desperately speed-reading from his spellbook. Amy glanced back to see his eyes harden.

"Flank-n-spank, Amy, Zach, split. Carl, you and me range and aggro. Move!"

At Brian's command for a classic tabletop manuver, Amy turned and ran to the left as fast as her wedge-heeled boots would carry her. She knew she was out of spells, but she didn't need magic. She just needed to occupy the lionesses attention for the critical seconds Zach would need.

The lioness glanced between the three of them, settling on Zach as the biggest threat. Zach stopped well outside of its reach as Amy continued up behind. Amy jumped, yelling a war-cry as she swung for the back of the lionesses head.

The club came out of nowhere. Amy was practically wrapped around it as she heard, felt and she could swear smelled at least two ribs break. The lioness practically danced over her as she slammed into the ground, treelike club spinning in its paws like it was nothing as it dodged one of Brian's thrown knives. Zach bobbed and weaved, terribly out of reach with his sword.

Amy groaned, hauling herself to her knees. This is real. She gingerly touched her side, examing. Their was blood where sheer blunt force had torn her clothing and skin. They're all going to die. Zach can't fight like this. Brian and Carl don't stand a chance. I thought I could. Amy gasped in pain as she tried to stand, ears ringing. She couldn't hear anything but her own labored breathing. Why did I think I could do this?

"Rise, stranger."

The voice was loud. It sounded distant, feminine, the kind of voice that Amy would want to read her a bedtime story. The words, though, what they wanted, nearly made her cry. She couldn't. She couldn't stand up. She couldn't protect anyone.

"You can. Rise, stranger. I know not how you tapped my power, but you will always rise." The voice became firm, and the pain in Amy's side deadened. Her breathing was still labored, her vision blurry, but it was enough. Somthing hot was in her veins, ignoring the fatuige in her limbs. Amy planted her boots on the ground, standing, eyes locked on the lioness as it lunged past Zach's guard and sent him skidding across the rooftop. "Rise, stranger! Rise!"

Amy raised her staff, gathering, pushing every bit of the heat she felt into the end of the birch branch as the lioness started toward the remaining boys. Carl's spell fizzled in a shower of snowflakes. She could barely see, her vision was dimming, her ears roaring, but she didn't need to. She remembred a spell that could not miss.

She didn't know who's voice was speaking, her unknown patron or her own.

"O' Morning Light! Kiss of the New Sun! Seek and Banish the Dark! Rise! SACRED! FLAME!"

There was a burst of golden light, and then nothing.

Amy had just enough presence of mind left to know this was going to hurt in the morning.

To be continued in Chapter 4: Bump in the Night.

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed To Do In RPGs #378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.

*Gasps for breath*

Chapter 4: Bump in the Night

Brian stared slack-jawed as the lioness charging them erupted in an aura of golden fire, roaring in pain. The flames petered out, and the lioness collapsed to its knees, smoldering and blank-faced in shock. Its eyes rolled into the back of its head and it keeled over, log-club rolling away.

Behind it, Amy gave a sigh and faceplanted into the ground.

"AMY!"

Brian ran over as fast as he could, checking her over. There were bloodstains through her dress, her breathing sounded strained but even and her skin was a healthy color. She was out cold. She's alright, she's alright, she has to be alright, she's tough...

"Brian!" Carl yelled from a bit further away. "Zach got it worse! We need to get them inside!"

On-cue, the sparse droplets that had been falling turned into a proper shower. Brian awkwardly hooked his arms under Amy, dragging her toward the roof exit. It wasn't easy, but Brian managed to lower the ladder, pull his sister across his shoulders, then laboriously carry her down the ladder and into the shelter of the stairway without banging her on the stonework in the dark.

"Hey, bro?" Carl called down "I can't lift Zach. Can you do that again?"

Brian sighed, hauling himself up the ladder again and motioning for Carl to help drape Zach's unconscious form across him. Straining and shaking under the effort of supporting the boy and his armor, Brian nearly collapsed as he reached the bottom, and finally did give out with a bolt of sharp pain when he tried to gently sit Zach against the wall. He didn't know if it was good or bad that Zach groaned and rolled onto his side, cradling his arm.

Carl joined them a moment later, holding a bundle of Zach's sword and unused armor pieces, as well as the weapons, armor and the belts of the lioness and panther.

Brian stared at him as he dropped it all. "Did you loot them?"

Carl looked guilty. Brian sighed and changed the subject. "We should go see if Daring Do survived her fall. You ever seen a dead body?"

Brian immediately felt guilty about that statement as Carl looked shocked. He hauled himself to his feet, apologizing. "Sorry, not funny. I'll go, I've seen a dead sheep before in the scouts. Might make it easier if it's... bad. Make sure they'll live, and especially Amy. If we can keep her stable for the night, we should be able to count on her heals."

He felt his way down the stairs, sliding his boots across the old stone in the darkness until he hit dirt and the light of the doorway could be seen. Once outside, it didn't take long to find the fallen pegasus and wildcat.

Brian covered his nose as a pungent smell hit him and he got a closer look. The wildcat was dead, dashed across a crumbled wall. Daring Do was luckier, sitting up with her head down and eyes closed.

"Hey. You alright?" Brian asked.

Daring looked up, peeking at him with a wince. "Oh, been much better. I think my hip is broken. Not much chance to make it out of this." She hissed in pain at some unseen aggravation. Brian didn't know much about medicine, but a broken hip sounded bad. He was pretty sure his great-grandmother had died of that.

"Ok, then. Can you last till morning?" Brian squinted at their surroundings.

"Do I have to? I could just heroically give you directions to the Monastery, ensure you survive... pass on peacefully..." Daring said with a lopsided grin.

Brian shook his head. "No, probably not. We'll get lost, probably die ourselves. Oh, and there's a chimera around. Do you think I can carry you? I've been carrying a lot of injured people tonight."

Daring sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Probably make it worse, but I'll just die of hypothermia out here. Also, I will probably scream. And he pooped himself on the way down. Oh, and watch the wing, he claw- oh, who am I kidding, the hip is gonna hurt worse when you pick me up."

Brian sized the pony up. She was small, but probably weighed nearly as much as Amy judging by size. He hope she was supernaturally light as he carefully hooked one arm under her barrel, and the other gently cradling her rear.

He was wrong, Daring was considerably heavier than Amy. His wheeze was lost to the sound of Daring screaming through gritted teeth as she was lifted. Staggering, Brian made if fully upright and started his slow, laborious steps to the Tower. It took a long time, and the effort made it feel like forever. Every shift prompted a growl from the pony, and his strained apologies were overruled with gritted commands to continue.

Carl met him at the front door, holding a twig that shined with a brilliant blue light. The two of them hurriedly worked together to carry Daring upstairs and set her down next to the other two in what Carl had turned into a improvised triage camp with Amy and Zach laid side-by-side under the wizard's cloak. Carl began a quick report as Brian slid down the wall, drained.

"Ok, bro, I managed to read Light word t' word out of my book and got Amy's cut bandaged, she has a broken rib. I don't think it hit her lung. Zach has broken everything, swelling on his hand, wrist, arm, shoulder, lost a few teeth, and worst he has to have a concussion even without internal bleeding... dude, I..." Carl hung his head. "I dunno if he's gonna make the night. It's a race between Amy's cooldown on her per-days, shock or brain damage. How long does that take, man? What's adventurer-horse have?"

Brian nodded glumly. "Broken... hip. We think."

Carl nodded glumly. "Treat for shock. I'm sorry, man, that's all I know. Here, move them together so they're warmer."

Brian helped ease Daring up against Zach, bulling the sleeve of the blanket inadequately over her side. Daring sighed. "Well. I guess we rest. Good job on the whole saving-ponies thing."

"Good job on the fight carry up there. We wouldn't have lasted a minute without you." Brian pointed out. "I'm not gonna sugar-coat it, it's our fault you're hurt."

"Oh, pishaw!" Daring Do snorted, but Brian shook his head.

"You can fly. Cats can't. You stuck around to bail our sorry asses out." Brian tried to ease himself into a better position, back spasming painfully. "So, what was this all about? What's the backstory?"

Daring lay her head down, eyes squeezed shut. "Artifact. Ruins of a second tower near here had a gem inscribed with instructions to make a terrible weapon. I was gonna bring it back to Canterlot-"

Brian held up a hand, and Daring somehow correctly interpreted the motion through closed eyes.

"-that's the capitol of Equestria, for Princess Celestia to decide what to do with. Lock it away, or put it in a museum, or lock it away in a museum. Dunno. As long as it's safe."

"Did you get it?" Carl piped up. He was tucked in a corner where he could see everyone, knees pulled to his chest and wide-eyed, clutching his glowing twig.

Daring chuckled. "Yep. Remember, kiddoes, always wear... a helmet... ooh, passing out."

Brian nodded slowly, pulling his own knees up closer. He wanted it to end. He'd already snapped once at Zach, and it didn't change anything, but he felt like he was about to do it again. Everything was impossible. But it was real and out to get him.

He clenched his teeth. C'mon, then, God ol' buddy. At least throw us a bone. Nobody dies? An intrusive image of the dead wildcat jumped into his mind. Or, ok, nobody I like? That includes adventu- Daring. I like her, she's kinda funny in a smartass way. Like Amy. Oh, please, God, don't take Amy. A terrible thought hit him as he looked at his sister, passed out peacefully next to his friend and the pegasus. She needs to wake up. What if they wake up?

Carl looked up as Brian stood suddenly. Brian tried desperately to keep his breathing under control.

"You ok, dude?"

"Yeah. Stay here. I gotta do something." Brian stiffly and deliberately climbed up the ladder.

The lioness was exactly where it had fallen first, golden fur singed with black and slicked by rain. The sudden trauma of the Sacred Flame had knocked it right out. Just past it, he saw the outline of his jagged black dagger, the one he had thrown, glinting wetly on the roof. Just next to him was the unconscious panther, mouth still stuck in a snarl with bloody gums.

Shaking, and steadily soaking in the rain, he walked to the knife.

He would not let anything else hurt his sister, no matter what.

***

Brian barely regestered that he could see again as dim sunlight filtered into the tower. His eyes felt bruised from staying open so long.

Carl hadn't moved, but at least was asleep. He hadn't said a word when Brian came back down, soaked in rain and unfocused. He had just stayed curled in the corner and stared at him. He had looked afraid.

Brian knew why. He didn't blame him.

Brian hadn't slept.

Amy was the first to stir, which at least sent a flutter of relief through him. He lifted his head off his knees, trying to call out but only got a hoarse croak. His throat was swollen.

Carl started, clutching his spellbook in front of himself protectively. He looked around wildly until he settled on Brian. Brian looked pointedly at Amy, who's eyes were slowly starting to squint and blink.

"A-Amy!" Carl flung aside his book, scrambling hands-and-knees to the three invalids. "Amy! Wake up, dude, we need you! Please!"

Amy groaned, rolling over and pulling the wizard cloak off of Zach and Daring. Carl snatched it up and threw it back on the other two, jostling her awake. Her eyes flew open and she clutched at her side.

"Owch! C-Carl?" Amy tried to sit up, wincing. "Ow... what...?"

Brian swallowed as best he could. "Heal. Need healing."

"Yeah!" Carl said. "Fix yourself a bit, but Zach is... shit."

Amy rolled to her knees, grunting as she guarded her side and Carl scooted arount to take Zach's pulse. He let out a sigh of relief. "He's still breathing. Amy, you gotta top him up, fast. He got hit in the head bad."

"Oh my God. Move!" Amy shooed him out of the way, holding her hands over Zach. "Cure Light Wounds! Cure Light Wounds! Cure Light Wounds! Oh... is that enough? Cure-"

"Daring..." Brian croaked. Carl waved Amy over to the pegasus.

"Broken something in her ass end. And easy on the spells, man, we could all use it and who knows what else this Candyland hellhole has for us."

Amy finished with Daring Do with a few quick castings, then turned to Brian. The spelled got rid of the pain and stiffness in his back, but not the soul-deadening exhaustion he felt. He waved her on, dropping his head back into his arms. Safe...

"Wakey wakey, compass-butt. You too, Zacharoonie." Carl shook the two of them. "The fun's not over, dudes and dudetts! Unless scary shark-man comes back to sell us a sword back to Atlanta, we have a whole 'nother fuckin' day ahead of us!"

"GET BACK!" Zach roared as he woke up, flailing wildly and making everyone jump. He stopped just as suddenly, blinking around in confusion. "W-what?"

Carl grinned. "Aay, not dead!"

"You..." Brian croaked, then swallowed hard to clear the sandy feeling out of his throat, "are feeling way to good this morning."

"Just feeling lucky, man." Carl looked at him, and Brian was struck by just how thin the smile really was.

"We won, though?" Zach asked, still confused. "There was a lion, and cat-men, but we won, right?"

Brian pulled himself up as Daring began to stir. "Barely. Half of us nearly died. All of us would have died if not for Amy pulling metamagic feats out of her ass."

Zach cocked his head. "Clerics can't use metamagic...?"

"And Sacred Flames don't pack that much of a punch until level eight." Brian pointed out. "Any commentary on that, Amy? Sorry, not accusing you, but it could be important."

Amy stayed silent, a very serious expression on her face. Brian knew she wanted to say something. It was just important enough that she couldn't afford say it wrong.

Daring Do's head came up with a sudden jerk, jostling her helmet. She looked around at the humans critically, then twisted around and inspected her hindquarters. "I take it Miss Healer is fully back in action."

Amy ran her fingers through her dark hair, combing it back. "Yeah, and down to my last two for the day unless I got more. Do you think we're leveling up, guys? Was that worth a level?"

"That's stupid, real life doesn't have levels." Brian said dismissively. Four stronger combatants routed, a few roleplaying encounters, some player-made Cinematic Moments... that's about a thousand-plus experience per person. Yeah, I would have given them a level.

Daring nodded and stretched, wincing at the pain in her wing. "Well, today should be easy. We trot to Charon Monastery and everyone gets water, food and a nice cotton mattress when they get there. Sound good?"

Brian didn't answer, he just got up and started slowly downstairs, leaving the others to catch up. He was moving pretty slow anyways. Zach scooted past him on the stairs, diving on their initial abandoned sleeping spot to try and bundle up his upper-body armor again. Brian left the tower and took a sharp turn along the outside wall where nobody could see him.

He dropped to his knees as his gut twisted and made him retch. The image of the lioness dead on the roof, blood diluting in the rain with his knife on the ground next to it burned into his mind. He wanted to vomit. He couldn't. There was nothing in him. He just sat there on his hands and knees and panted as the weight of two lives settled heavier and heavier on him.

"I don't want to guess."

Brian looked back over his shoulder to see Daring Do behind him. She wasn't much taller than him in this stance. He sat up and braced himself against the wall, sniffing and swallowing down the coppery taste of bile.

The pegasus watched him closely. "Are you gonna make me guess, or do you want to tell me? I can figure it out, since we weren't brutally murdered in our sleep last night."

Accusation. Brian wanted to lash out, yell. He was to drained. "I had to."

Daring nodded. "There are a lot of ways that could have gone."

Brian felt something else rise in him. Heat. Shame.

"I had to. Didn't I?"

"I'm not saying you didn't. You had a bunch of injured, weak friends and a dangerous threat. You could have waited and taken the consequences, or not and taken the consequences." Daring patted him with a wing. "I don't know exactly what you did, but now I'm guessing, and their was only one way with a guarantee. I might have done it differently and taken risks but I wasn't there. You were."

Brian resisted the urge to heave again as his mind forcefully took him back to the roof. What had happened.

"So thanks." Daring said. Brian looked up, surprise overriding nausea for a moment. Daring shrugged. "For saving my life. Twice. Tit for tat, right? We're even."

Brian gave a soulless chuckle. "How? You've got us at like, three to one."

Daring hit him with her good wing. "A life is a life. C'mon, before someone wonders where you are."

Zach was waiting for him at the door, a bundle of armor and cloak tied to his backpack. Carl had a similar bundle, and one of the cat's clubs stuck into his tunic belt. Amy caught him by the arm as he bent down to pick up her dirt-stained cape and bags.

"Bri, you alright?"

Brian shrugged. "I'll make it. I think."

Amy took her things. "If you're sure. You're... don't push yourself too hard, Bri. We have to watch out for each other, but that doesn't mean you have to watch out for all of us."

"I kinda do," Brian sighed as they set off after the rest. . If I hadn't...

"And if you hadn't last night, we'd all be dead," Amy said as though she could hear his thoughts, "Same as if Zach hadn't taken hits for me, or Carl pulling random mad skills out of his ass, or my very literal Deus Ex Machina."

Brian shrugged again. "I know. I wasn't much use."

"We're not dead, you kept us alive afterward." Amy pointed out, "Also, I don't think we have that far of a hike. Look!"

Brian looked out over the valley as they reached the top of the switchbacks, following Amy's hand. A trio of plumes of smoke rose out of the trees, barely a mile down the valley. Amy whistled ruefully.

"Maybe we should have just listened to adventure-pony and gone to the... monastery? You think ponies are religious? Knowing our luck the probably worship Hastur," Amy said. Brian stayed quiet and hoped Amy would too when they got to their destination. Religion is not really a safe topic to start off on. I'll ask Zach if he has any details later.

The hike was a silent one, and despite the short distance was less of a hike and more of a slow trudge. Zach's morning pep quickly petered out under the weight of his armor and sword, Carl went back to his usual silence, and even Daring seemed deadened as she flapped along slowly, avoiding the ground. The smell of smoke came first, followed by the single most wonderful sound any of them had ever smelled.

Baking bread.

"UWAAAARG~!"

Everyone looked at Brian. Brian looked at his belly.

"Look, guys, I'm hungry. No surprise." Brian tried to pass it off. He could be hungry. Just because he ate a lot normally didn't mean he could go longer without eating, right?

Carl snickered. "Good to know we can just sic our pack of feral velociraptors that you keep under your shirt on any bad guys."

"Hey!" Brian took a few jogging steps, intending to go over and slap the gamer, but quickly realized he was already out of breath. He settled for flipping Carl the bird. "Fuck... off..."

"Heh." Zach chuckled. "Feral... veloci- OH SHIT!"

Brian whirled around as sudden heavy hoof-beats sounded one either side of them and Zach yelled. Zach shook his improvised backpack off and pulled his sword out of it, a wild, worried look in his eyes as four towering creatures emerged through the trees.

Centaurs. Brian had never seen a centaur quite like this before. The torso was human, for certain, but the face was nearly simian, and all four had twisting horns from their heads. Most striking was their coloration: reds and oranges highlighted with blonde-whites. All of them had forged spears leveled at them, except one wielding a greatsword larger than Brian was tall, and all of them had smooth, jet-black leather armor on their torsos. Brian belatedly reached for his knives, only to find both sheaths empty. Carl still had one, and he had left the other on the top of the tower. Oh, here comes a world of hurt...

"Woah, woah, calm down, mustang!" Daring flew over to Zach, pushing his sword down. "And you too, Tivaru, c'mon. It's me."

The largest centaur raised his spear and stepped forward, warlike face easing to caution. He spoke with a powerfully deep voice, revealing pointed, carnivorous teeth. "My apologies, Doctor Do. We heard growling and took you for a hostage by feline paw. But closer inspection reveals otherwise."

"Holy shit." Amy swore, looking up with her walking stick still cocked back to swing at the massive being as he approached the group. Brian relaxed himself a bit, staring in awe of the powerful creatures. If they were friends with Daring Do, they were cool.

Zach slipped the blade of his sword away from Daring, wildly pointing it toward the closest centaur. "Stay back!"

"Geez, dude. Chill," Carl said. Carl had barely reacted at all, honestly.

"B-but they're... they look like Tirek!" Zach yelled, clearly panicked.

Brian thought the initial ambush had happened fast. He quickly redefined "fast."

Before he could blink, there was a clang of steel and Zach's sword had flown out of his hand, the butt of a spear whacked across his back, and a hoof was pinning him to the ground while Daring Do called wildly for peace.

"Woah, woah, woah! Everybody calm down! There are some serious context issues here, everybody calm!"

"HE SPEAKS THE NAME OF THE CURSED ONE!" The largest centaur, Tivaru, roared, stamping at the ground. "We shall not have such blasphemy on our soil!"

"Hooves off the boy before I light your ass on fire!" Amy yelled, leveling her stick at the centaur pinning Zach.

Daring landed, putting a hoof on Zach's arm. "Calm down, everyone, these are friends. Speaking of, you can step off, Sacarei. He just had a rough night."

"That's a he?" The centaur pinning him said in shock, with a surprisingly feminine voice herself. She stepped back, then leaned her torso down and offered Zach a hand. "Well I never. My sinciere apologies. We are trained to silence the traitor's name. For obvious reasons."

Zach wheezed in answer as he was unceremoniously drug upright and dusted off. Brian though now was a good time to be confused.

"Wait, what? Who? What obvious reasons? You're a girl? Who are you guys? Do you have any water?"

Tivaru laughed, a deep, Santa Claus laugh. "Ho ho! Ah, take them inside. Tales may be told when both parties can relax."

"Yes." Brian nodded. "Relax. I want to relax."

To be continued in Chapter 5: That's Racist

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed To Do In An RPG #1753: No challenging sleeping people to a duel.

Not everyone on this little trip is right in the head. Some weren't right to begin with.

WOW THAT'S DARK.

Chapter 5: That's Racist

"What!?" Zach bristled at the accusation.

"Well it is! Just because you watch a cartoon and a centaur was a bad guy does not mean every centaur is a bad guy!" Amy shot. That stung. "That's like saying every German is evil because of Hitler!"

"That's low." Zach said.

"A least now we know who this... T-to-the-R-rekt dude is." Carl noted, looking over his shoulder nervously at the centaur guarding them at the far side of the long dining hall. The guard waved cheerily. "Man, draining magic like that must be a dick move to piss off his whole race."

"Kinda badass if you think about it. In a Napoleon kinda way. Taking on the whole world literally yourself," Amy mused. She picked up her bowl and took another gulp of water.

Brian snored into the table to Zach's right. The guy looked like death itself by the time he had made it.

"Whew, I'm with him. I never knew plain water could taste so good." Zach set down his bowl and stood up out of the trough-like centauri chair, then started picking at the cords holding his leg armor on. "I'm gonna apologize now, guys, this is reek when I take it off."

"We can offer bathing. The spring-house is nearby." Sicarei trotted in carrying more water. Zach made certain the chair was in between him and the centaur. She was quick and he still had fresh bruises on his back, and they had taken his sword.

Amy sighed in relief. "Oh, yes-please-and-thank-you ma'am. Between a convention, sleeping outdoors and the odd near-death experience, we need it."

The centaur lady bowed graciously. Zach was starting to pick out the details between genders. Most of them seemed rather masculine in build, but the females had thinner horns, less angular brows and lacked the length for the beard-like fur on their faces to pass "goatee." The lack of classically feminine features like breasts really was all that was throwing him off.

And the muscles. Seriously, Lord Tirek might have been more ripped, but not by much. Every one of the centaurs he had seen had arms like tree-trunks.

"Do you bathe socially or in private? Or some other convention?" Sicarei asked, clearing the platters of heavy bread aside. "Cultures vary, but the bath has a divided area should you need it."

"Divided." Amy said quickly, shooting a dirty look at Carl. Carl gave a solid "what the hell?" look back. Zach tried not to look guilty as he followed Amy's train of thought and derailed quickly.

"Very well. I will show you to the spring-house then come back and bring Mister Brian to the guest quarters."

Carl shrugged. "I was just gonna wake his ass up. He needs a bath as much as we do."

"Let him sleep," Zach said. "He looks like hell."

The three followed Sicarei out of the dining hall. The courtyard of the monastery was huge, all trampled dirt save for small islands containing either carefully arranged stones or beautiful arrays of tended plants. Most of the plants seemed to be vegetables or flowers, and Zach wondered if these centaurs were herbivores like the ponies. Three or so centaur monks tended to the area, most with broad straw hats and straw covering over their backs to keep the sun off. It was considerably warmer inside the walls, under the sun.

Speaking of, the walls monastery were odd. They were not tall on this side, looking a little more than an adult's height, shored up with ramps of dirt all the way to the ramparts. But Zach had seen the outside, and their was a deep and wide trench all the way around that nearly tripled the height if you wanted in. They had been made out of huge dark stones, none smaller than he was with, an unnaturally smooth and rounded appearance fitted perfectly with each other. Thatch domes formed the houses and buildings of the monastery itself, forming a great circle just inside the wall save for what was clearly a open-air shrine and the one building they were heading to.

"Those rocks arn't from here, are they?" Amy asked, pointing as they walked to the stone dome with a plume of steam coming from the top.

"Oh? Why do you say it is so?" Sicarei asked, perplexed. Zach looked closer, not getting what she saw.

Amy reached down and picked up a loose rock from the dirt. "All the rocks from the surrounding area are light-colored. The walls and stuff are dark. Did you mine them from somewhere or what?"

"Like, igneous?" Carl said, squinting at the alter. "You guys built everything out of big-ass lava-rocks."

"Oh." Sicarei frowned, thinking. "I never gave it thought. Charon Monastery is very old, but I believe they breath the rocks from the ground. It would not be hard to do."

"Breath?" Carl asked, looking at Zach. Zach gave his best I'dunno shrug, equally confused.

"It is the Centauri way. Control of breath, control of body." Sicarei explained. "If your body is one with magic, then you have control of magic as well."

Carl took off his hat as they entered the dome. "Is there, like, a million different kinds of magic or what?"

"Yes." Sicarei nodded happily.

Inside was far less a bath and more a sauna, Zach realized as the humidity hit him like a wall. A meters-wide wide basin sat in the middle with a few inches of steaming water in it, the edges crusted with white-gold minerals. Sicarei trotted ahead and pulled a pair of huge straw mats out of a leather chest at the back, carefully kicking a basket of bristle-brushes with extra-long handles around to the side of the basin.

"I will hang one for your privacy, female, and close the bath. If any of you feel lightheaded, please leave quickly. You should not need many towels, you are rather small. I will return." Their centaur host gave a cheery, if fang-filled, smile.

A minute later Amy had vanished behind the divider and Sicarei had left. Zach looked at Carl, not sure of what was the next step. Carl was the first to take action after the awkward pause.

"No homo, I guess." Carl said, pulling his tunic over his head and free-throwing it into a nearby wicker basket.

Zach grimaced, averting his eyes as he stripped. He hated locker rooms, that was one of the main reasons he ended up being home schooled. Now at least he hadn't gotten the bruises in there. He just had bruises from before going in.

There was an additional moment of disgust when he realized that the breaches under the leather layer of his armor was the last layer, and he didn't have underwear. Glancing quickly at Carl, it looked like he didn't either. Traditional clothes suck, Zach concluded.

"I'm guessing the brushes are for washing yourselves, huh?" Amy called from around the divider. Her arm appeared for a moment as she dunked hers into the basin. "Ooh! Watch out, it's pretty hot."

The boys looked at each other and followed suit. The water was nearly scalding, but cooled quickly out of the basin and was easy enough to bathe with. Zach scrubbed himself down, skirting around the massive sore spot on his back and squeezing as much water through his hair as he could. The runoff trickled to the outside of the room and vanished through an unseen drain.

"Oh, bro, you got nailed," Carl noted, leaning over for a good look at Zach's back. "Left a hoof-print and everything. Amy'll have to look at it later."

Zach craned his neck unsuccessfully to look. "Really? At least it looks how it feels."

There was a clatter from the entrance. Zach turned around, covering himself with his scrubber, to see Sicarei standing in front of a dropped basket of towels, hands raised to cover her mouth.

"Oh, Lord Char and Thunder! I'm so sorry!"

Carl blinked in confusion, not even bothering to cover himself like Zach. "Naw, dude, it's not like it really matters, we're not the same species and I'm pretty sure you ain't wearing clothes either-"

Sicarei gathered herself, collecting the towels that flew free. "No, not yourself. I did grave damage to the small one! I had no idea you kind were so delicate!"

Zach didn't take long to realize he was the 'small one' and have embarrassment flare like nothing else. He turned sidelong so that neither the bruise or his privates would be easily seen. "'M not that delicate. Tanked just fine last nigh." he muttered. I can be tough...

"If it's really bad I can Cure it now!" Amy said, slightly muffled. "Just throw me a towel!"

"It's not!" Zach insisted.

"It is!" Carl and Sicarei said at the same time.

Zach moaned. I can't even be a tough guy! Big deal "fighter" I'm turning out to be.

***

Zach blinked awake from his little nap as Brian and Daring Do arrived in the guest house, Brian wrapped in a towel like the rest of them and Daring just looking generally cleaner and more refreshed.

Brian still looked like hell, but less sweaty and more alert hell.

"Ok, gang, gather round, asshats." Brian clapped his hands, then quickly caught his towel before it could slide too far. "Two things. One, the nice centaur lady is getting us something to cover up with until our clothes can be washed, and two, we need to make a game plan."

Amy nodded from the corner where she was slowly grinding her stick into the sandy dirt floor. "She's a real sweetheart."

"She stepped on me!" Zach protested.

"Most guys would love for such a nice girl to step on them!" Amy shot, grinning wickedly. Zach sputtered as his brain shut off in horror at the implications.

Brian growled. "Can you not break him? We need him for this."

"What's up, dude?" Carl put away his spellbook and joined the group. "I'm learning to fake Draconic. Get on my level."

"Cool story." Brian sat down on one of the beds; low, king-sized straw pads on wooden supports, covered in patterned quilts. It was fairly clear one was meant to sleep on top of them, not under the quilts. Brian waved them to gather around as Daring flung herself onto the furthest bed, tossing her helmet casually onto a nightstand.

"I was talking with Daring Do, and she's agreed to put in a good word for us-" Brian's frown deepened, "-but she's not going to take us to this Princess Celestia, she's leaving tomorrow. The general idea seems to be that if anyone can get us back to our world, this princess can or she knows who can. There are three problems I see stopping us."

Carl cocked his head. "Only three, man?"

"Three main problems." Brian stressed. "One. It's gonna take a minimum of a week's walking to make it to the boarder of princesses country. There is fuck-all between us and a... Pillydelphia? Sounded a little too close..."

"Filly, like the horse. Fillydelphia." Zach explained the pun. Brian rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that, from there it's a train. Which leads to both two and three." Brian said.

Amy snorted. "Two, the vast majority of this world has tried to kill us. Half of what we met tried to eat us."

"That's actually problem three." Brian sighed. "Problem two is we have no funds or supplies, and it turns out that while they are charitable, we're expected to earn our keep. The big centaur, whatever-his-name-is, said if we work he will supply us, but I expect it will take a while."

He paused and considered a moment. "Problem three is half the world wants to eat us. So we need to really gear up before we go."

"But we can get home, man. That's the important part." Carl pointed out.

"Well Princess Celestia is the best pony, and will totally help. Equestria is basically a utopia!" Zach added, starting to get excited. "Think, just a week trip and it'll be all cushy! I bet you won't want to leave!"

Brian glared at him. "Don't you dare go all 'Dances with Wolves' on me, Zach. We're aiming to get home, sort out this mess, and possibly shank the asshole who sold us your damn sword. No deviation."

Zach pouted. "I know! I need to get back to dad, but I'm still gonna enjoy the trip."

The thought of his father pressed heavily on Zach's mind as soon as he mentioned it. He must be terrified! Poor guy...

"Our mom and dad are probably freaking out..." Amy said quietly, echoing Zach's thoughts. Zach thought of something and perked up.

"There's ways to send letters across dimensions! I think."

"What?" Brian perked up. The follow-up immediately dashed the look of hope.

"In Equestria. We have to get there first."

Brian threw up his hands "Shit! So we still need to get funds, get geared, travel for God-knows how long, and then we can phone home. Maybe. Anything else I should know?"

Zach sat back and thought, deflated.

"It's not that bad of a trip." Daring Do called from her bed. "No serious terrain until Naponi Pass, less monsters than Equestria proper in general. Plenty of ruins that aren't deadly deathtraps to sleep in. You should be fine."

"Yeah?" Brian asked suspiciously, "Why are they ruins, then?"

"For now, though, we shouldn't worry to much." Amy lay back down, tugging the massively oversized wool towel to make sure it preserved her modesty. "We'll ask for some paper to list the supplies we need, make a firm plan."

Carl sat up suddenly. "I smell food."

Zach sniffed. They could definitely smell something floating in, heavy with herbs. A errant idea came to him, and Zach got up to act on it.

"I'm gonna go see if I can help. Might as well start working off debit now, right?"

Brian sighed, waving him out and laying back to nap. "Knock yourself out."

He nearly made it out the door before backpedaling rapidly with a yelp as an unfamiliar centaur entered through the same door. Daring shot upright at the intrusion.

"Sweet Celestia, why don't you guys ever knock?"

"Apologies, Doctor Do." The centaur rumbled, offering a stack of brown fabric. "Tivaru sent me in Innate Sicarei's place with linens that may work as clothing for the- Your friends to use as clothing. Ceremonial robes would likely have fit, but we cannot spare them."

"Oh. Thanks, then." Amy got up. "Our species is Human, if you were wondering. We can work with these just fine."

"I did not want to presume. Dinner will be served as the sun sets." The centaur turned to leave before Zach spoke up.

"N-no chance I can help out? With cooking, I mean. I'm not terrible at it, I know my way around a kitchen."

The centaur shrugged, an intimidating motion when his arms were as big around as Zach's waist. "That is up to Master Hemok. I cannot say, only wish you luck."

The four of them struggled for a moment before Amy came up with a good way to wrap were effectively bedsheets into serviceable tunics with a twisted belt, leaving them clothed but bareleggged. The courtyard had been clean and clear of anything painful to the feet on the way over from the bathhouse, giving Zach no problem as he stepped out and scanned the buildings upwind of the guest house. He set off toward the one that looked most promising, with a thin plume of grey smoke rising from the hole in the roof.

Inside was a bizarre blend of a tribal pit-fire and a shockingly classy kitchen. Polished, dark stone countertops and modern-looking kitchen knives in blocks contrasted sharply with the thatch roofing overhead and smoldering firepit with a huge wooden pot in the center of the room. Zach blinked in surprise as the sole chef turned to him. It wasn't a centaur.

What Zach assumed to be Master Hemok was bipedal and wearing an apron, but that was where the familiar ended. A long, narrow face, full of wrinkles, poked out of a bushy mane of salt-and-pepper hair that formed a ruff around the chef's neck and shoulders. The long, almost emaciated arms ended in thin claws on equally long fingers, and the rear legs matched, and a single, withered bat-wing hung limply off of his back. It was half-werewolf, half-lion and a healthy dusting of snake-like features.

It was also very, very old.

"Oi! I told Tibara to keep her critters outta the kitchen! Shoo, shoo! Eh?"

Zach waved cautiously. "Hi. I'm Zach. I want to help out if I can."

"Helper? And... human?" Zach's shock was lost as the strange creature whirled away to give the pot over the fire. "Oh, so they think old Hemok needsa helper in here. Bah! I haven't needed any help with anything but the dishes since I started this job! Who put you up to it, eh? Master Tigok? One of the Innates? Eh?"

"N-no one, sir. My friends and I need to earn our keep while we stay. How did you know I was human? Are you a... a..." Zach shook his head, desperately confused as the old master darted around.

"I'ma gargoyle, boy, traditional good-luck charm of every centauri tribe. Old enough to have seen some daft things. Get that garlic, would you?"

Zach found the string of garlic cloves, and jumped up to snag it off the hook. He held it out, only to be grabbed by the shoulder and steered roughly over to a cutting board.

"Chop up a two cloves. Then the radishes once I figure out where they went." Master Hemok barked. "You know how to use knives, right, boy? Good. You'd think they thought I was gonna kick the bucket, eh? Keep doting on me like I can't keep this up another hundred years. Three wars couldn't kill me! Likea winter draft is gonna do it. Bah! What are you doing here, boy? What did you bring to the table? Mind control? Gonna be raising the dead, eh?"

"What?" Zach pushed aside the diced garlic into a small wooden bowl and wiped off the knife, stepping clear of the whirlwind chef and heading to the shelves covering a quarter of the wall for radishes. "No, no, my friends got all that. I think. I got a sword."

Hemok gave a cackle. "Well, that's a bit classy, then! Oh, you found the radish. You don't look like some mighty warrior of the epics, eh? I didn't know they made 'em that small. You even full-grown, boy?"

"Yes." Zach sent the knife through the radish harder than he meant and nearly cut a fingertip. I know I'm a tiny dude, that doesn't mean I can't be cool! I'm taller than Tom Cruise. I swear, one of these days...

"We don't eat that bit, boy!" The old gargoyle yelled as Zach distractedly kept cutting up the radishes stalk. Zach shook himself and carefully brushed the incorrect part out, but Hemok was having none of it. "Get off, leave it! Stir the blasted pot! Get over there. Shoo!"

Chagrined, Zach got out of the way and picked up the stirring paddle for the massive pot. He gave it a few turns, then sniffed again in surprise. He could identify potato, beans, the garlic that had just been tossed in, some kind of leafy vegetable...

"Sir, is this meat?"

"Rabbit. Morning hunt on east vale. Idiot innates broke two bolts. Sloppy, eh?" Master Hemok said, busy kneading dough across the kitchen.

Zach took another whiff. It smelled wonderful, but- "Can Daring Do eat this? I mean, she's a pony, and-"

"If decides she don't like my dumpling stew she can flap right out! It was find last year, but nooo, we got to be picky this time." The gargoyle chef ranted, rolling a wad of dough between his hands. Zach backpedaled quickly.

"No no, no offense to your cooking, sir! I just wondered, because she's a pegasus... Ponies are vegan, right? They can't eat meat?"

Master Hemok scoffed. "Superstition and rumor! It just gives them gas. She never sticks around, so we don't have to deal with the side effects of 'alternative pegasus propulsion,' eh? Eh? Ah-hahahahahah stop laughing!"

Zach flinched and stopped his chuckle promptly. "S-sir?"

"Meat jokes are bad taste with ponies. I'm old so it don't count."

Zach slumped at the unfairness. But it was funny. I like fart jokes.

He looked up as Master Hemok started tossing tiny wads of dough into the pot, carefully alternating between making sure it wasn't burning to the bottom and stirring the dumpling in. My standards are really low...

To be continued in Chapter 6: Rinse, Wash, Treat Frostbite, Repeat.

Author's Note

Things Mr Welch is No Longer Allowed to do in an RPG #1449: Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.

Old people are assholes. Cool old people are funny assholes. That was exhausting. I need a break.

Aww... 68/10. Now this story is tied with my other story for most dislikes. Unfortunately that's not counterbalanced by several hundred likes. This is definitely my worst-received story. As I have not seen any damning criticism though, I will assume it's just on-sight downvotes for being Displaced until noted otherwise.

Please do note otherwise. Critics are welcome here. Grammar nazis are requested to PM me to reduce clutter, or there'd be nothing else. Otherwise roast me, bitches.

Chapter 7: Solo Queue

Three days later, Amy finally gave up.

She eyed the back of her dirt-covered hands, examining the damage to her false nails. Four were already missing, three lifting, one snapped at the tip and two stubbornly still glued down despite the chips and abuse. They were utterly beyond saving and, frankly, inconvenient to have on.

She was going to have to do something about them, and she was getting desperate.

The worst of the lifting ones were painful, but popped off without much resistance, save one. The remaining few were not so cooperative.

Gasping in pain and now bleeding profusely where the one on her middle fingernail had broken the natural nail underneath, Amy channeled a Cure Light Wounds into her hands. The day's calluses faded and her fingertips repaired themselves. It was almost too effective, as she wanted to build up at least a thin layer of tougher skin.

Eying the remaining false nails, she decided to get clever.

She squinted, looking to draw the thinnest fragment of power she could. The nails would pop off under duress, she just had to damage the plastic without damaging the real nail.

“Sacred... flame.”

At her whisper, a tiny point of gold light appeared atop the nail.

Nothing else happened. She focused a little harder.

Her hands promptly exploded in a storm of golden fire.

Amy gasped, swatting away the holy light and fires stinging her arms. At this point Cure Light Wounds was a reflex. On the bright side, the nails had been properly blown off and scattered into the potato field somewhere.

The centaur working the far side of the field glanced up as Amy hurried to look like nothing had happened.

That obstacle hurdled and the budding cleric thoroughly embarrassed, Amy got back to digging out the potatoes the plow had missed, foot by foot, sifting for tubers. Her goal was a row before noon.

The field was the size of a baseball diamond.

She was almost there when the sun beat her to it and her brother came out to relieve her. Brian was already drenched in sweat, but as usual these days his eyes were bright and determined. He threw himself into the job before Amy had even stood up.

“Hey, Amy. I’ll take over, get something to drink and make sure Zach and Carl are alive too,” Brian said, jabbing into the soil with the spare shovel.

“Thanks. You need anything?” Amy asked.

Brian shook his head. “Naw. Sicari said she’d be by to help when her chores were done.”

“Who’da thought,” Amy drawled, glancing at the lone fluffy cloud in the sky, “Literal worlds away and we still have to do chores.”

"There are worse things," Brian said. He'd been saying that a lot lately.

Amy dusted off her new improvised tunic gingerly. Brian had taken some time to haphazardly tailor some flour sacks into extra clothing for them with twine and saintlike patience, and they were holding up. Amy thought it was just as well, her robes were silk and it was probably a bad idea to get them dirty. She tugged her rope belt tighter as she walked back to the monastery.

It was already starting to become routine. Amy has been busy enough to not really think terribly hard about the weirdness of the situation, and the centaur monks weren't even shocking to see anymore. It was peaceful around the monastery, and Amy had developed a strong liking of peace after her first few days in this world. She stretched as she followed the east path back, running her fingers through her hair to help disperse the sweat built up under it.

A sound that didn't quite belong made her stop as she approached the wall, stepping out of the way of a passing monk. Amy cocked her head, listening.

She heard it again. Clang. From the forest to her right, outside the monastery. Metal hitting or being hit. And... a shout. A battlecry.

Zach's.

Amy burst into the fastest run her heeled boots would allow, heading for the noise. It was only a moment before she heard it again and pinpointed the clearing.

"Again!"

That voice wasn't Zach's, Amy was sure. Hand on her aching ribs and gasping for breath after the sprint, she cleared the brush just in time to see Zach, with his sword but without armor, swing at the batty old gargoyle that cooked around the camp.

The gargoyle, Hemok, raised a staff to meet it, creating the clang she had heard. It was a good block, but Zach did something odd, lifting the hilt of his sword high to jab over the top for the gargoyle's face. It barely missed putting the old creature's eye out as the staff shoved aside the blade and transitioned into a counterattack aimed at Zach's leg.

Zack, much to Amy's surprise, wound his sword around the staff to cut off the swing and bring the point to rest on the gargoyle' chest. It was clearly faked as he stepped back and mimed the thrust he would have taken to end the fight.

"Good! Again! No! Wait. Distractions." Master Hemok pointed at Amy. Zach looked and was immediately smacked on the shin. "Too easy, boy."

Zach winced, flushed bright red and panting. "Yes, Master Hemok. Hi, Amy."

"What are you doing? What was that wiggle-sword thing?" Amy asked,struggling to control her breathing as she weakly mimed the overhead thrust Zach had reacted to being blocked with.

Zach looked away, wiping sweat off his head. "Oh. Master Hemok decided I needed to learn how to use a sword if I had one. He's teaching me Griffic fencing."

"Trying to, at any rate. Never had made it this far if it wasn't for dumb flapping luck!" Master Hemok grumbled, before suddenly transitioning to shouting. "CIRCLING TIMBERWOLVES! WHIRL! WHIRL!"

Amy watched, amused, as Zach groaned and started a complex, fluid set of spinning slashes as he stepped smoothly around the clearing, circling them.

"Offense as a defense?" she asked.

Master Hemok nodded. "Best against creatures with no weapons, more a Felyne technique than a Griffin one, but good exercise for him. OVERHEAD, BOY, not behind your noggin!"

The performance came to a stop as Zach stopped his spins with a last wide sweep, gasping for breath as he dropped to a knee.

"You'll need to work on your endurance, you can't get winded in a fight. That'll kill ya fast," Master Hemok noted, groaning as he started to hobble back toward the monastery entrance. "See you in the kitchen in a bit, boy."

Zach just nodded as Amy came over to check on him. She couldn't see any injuries, but Zach was good at hiding it. Amy knew him well enough to see he wasn't just flushed from exercise, though. He was probably embarrassed.

"That was pretty impressive anyway. When did you start?" Amy asked. He could use the encouragement.

Zach held up a finger, gulping water from his canteen. "This is... is..." He coughed, choking a little. "Day two. I'm still really clumsy."

"Seemed pretty good to me for two days of practice. You couldn't have done that last week," Amy said.

"Last week I'd never touched a sword. Or broken a bone. Or thought I'd talk to a pony."

"Careful. I'm the sarcastic one. You want to help me find Carl?" Amy held out her hand, and Zach took it to be hoisted upright. Amy was surprised; she doubted Zach had gotten any lighter, but she didn't have any trouble pulling him. She could feel his hands were building calluses, too. They were already getting stronger and it really hadn't been a week.

They started back, Amy thoughtful as Zach wiped dirt off his sword on the leg of his flour-sack pants and leaned it against his shoulder.

"Zach, could you teach me too? I could be a sparring partner."

Zach gave her a look. "Yeah, I guess. It'd be smart while we're here. Tomorrow?”

“Tonight. Carl can do your dishes, and I’ll Bless you so you’re not sore.” Amy asserted. She didn’t know what would happen tomorrow.

Zach nodded silently, balancing the sword by its edge idly as they walked. It was a long moment before he spoke.

“Deal. But sticks only.”

“Implying you had a choice,” Amy muttered. Zach snorted out a laugh. They walked together to their hut, where Zach put up his sword and they both grabbed towels.

By the time they made it to the bathhouse there were already centaurs that had beat them there around the huge central basin, washing themselves down. Amy led them toward the corner, grabbing the roll of fabric that acted as her personal privacy curtain on the way.

“Need help?” Zach offered.

“Yeah.”

Zach cupped his hands under the hanger, and Amy fitted the arch of her boot over them. She stepped up, using Zach’s head to balance as he groaned and putting her easily in reach. With a little fumbling, she had it up.

Amy patted Zach on the head, prompting him to lower her. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Once they were separate, Amy set about washing up as fast as she could. The curtain only blocked the view of part of the bathhouse, and while the centaurs certainly didn’t care, she was still self-conscious.

More importantly, she didn’t want any of the boys seeing the large patch of mottled purple-and-yellow bruise across her ribs on her left side.

She didn’t know why she hadn’t fully healed it. She had started, setting the bone with magic and easing the pain, but something had made her hesitant. There was an excuse to build toughness in her hands and feet, but this was a constant, dull pain as the contusion healed.

Once again, Amy looked at it, considering. Wondering why she had so many excuses not to, each thinner than the last. To build pain tolerance. To make sure she had enough magic if they needed it. To learn how long it took. Silly.

Once again, she instead toweled off and pulled her clothes back on.

“Zach, you done yet? Can I come out?” Amy called.

There was a slightly distressed noise as Zach hurried along his process, like every time. One of these days Amy resolved she was just going to just barge out past him. That would convince him to hurry from the start.

“Done, I’m safe, you can go, Amy,” Zach’s response was fairly quick this time. Amy tossed the curtain aside and trotted past him with her boots and towel over her shoulder, annoyed at the wait. She wanted to get back into her cosplay dress, it was much more comfortable if she wasn’t going to be working.

The rest of her evening was spent carefully copying the last bit of their map down, alone in their hut.

Tambelon. Brian had relayed to them from Sicarei’s stories that it was an old land, once the great civilization of the Gargoyles. Now, it was seen as a new frontier to explorers and settlers. Their map was only of the easternmost section, including the land bridge to the Equestrian continent.

Amy set the pen down and rubbed her eyes, looking at the rougher section where Brian had first started.

Here Be Dragons, read the label on Mount Quassi to their south. Beware of Trolls claimed the note near the river.

Last week Amy would have given her firstborn to meet a dragon. Now the thought made her sick to her stomach. A troll was now a creature to seriously consider and have a plan for.

A world of adventure was a dangerous one.

Leaving the ink to dry, Amy glanced outside at the reddening light. She’s had a good rest through the afternoon, so she was sure she’d be ready for sparring with Zach. Nobody had come for her, so she figured she had more free time till dinner.

“Hi, Amy.”

Carl wandered in, announcing his presence without any enthusiasm. He was shirtless, again, something Amy wished he would cover up since Carl was a really skinny twig of a guy. That and he looked ridiculous with his giant wizard hat. Thankfully he took that off and threw it on the bedside table.

Amy managed to muster some concern for him. “Hey. You doing ok?”

Carl nodded as he sat down on the far side of their shared bed, but Amy pressed.

“No, seriously, Carl. You’ve been really quiet the last few days. You’re worrying me.” Amy turned around, looking at his back. He’d definitely worked up a sweat, but Amy thought he’d just been helping the monks alphabetize scrolls.

“What do you care, dude?” Carl groaned, shoulders slumped. Instantly angered, Amy took quick action.

She reached across the bed and grabbed a handful of Carl’s shaggy blond hair, yanking him over onto his back. Carl yelped, cowering as Amy glared down at him and pinned her hand to his head so she couldn’t pull anymore.

“Owowow! W-what the fuck, man?!”

“Carl.” Amy took a deep breath, struggling to get her temper under control. “I don’t like many people. I have room to tolerate five or six in my life. There are literally three people in this world for me to care about.”

Amy relaxed her grip, letting Carl free. She took one last parting swat at him as she scooted back and Carl squirmed away. “So I’ll ask again. What’s. Wrong?”

“I’m just studying!” Carl whined, rubbing his head. “Jesus, Amy! All I’m trying to do is learn magic!”

Amy slapped down on the mattress in frustration. “And I care about that! I care so much about that! I’m trying to learn magic too and it should be impossible and none of it makes sense so I really, really-”

Amy stopped as her vision blurred, and she hastily rubbed her eyes. This was stupid. This was a stupid thing to get this worked up over.

“I’m sorry, man,” Carl said quietly. “I thought you just straight-up had your magic.”

Amy nodded, trying to sniff back the rest of the tears as subtly as she could. “I can. I mean, I do. But I shouldn’t. And I don’t know why. Everyone is working so hard to get us out of this and I can’t even pick potatoes fast enough. But I’m fine. Zach’s too… well... Zack to even notice something is wrong with all this, and Brian is so busy being a boy scout that all he does is work, talk to the centaurs and sleep. So what’s with you, Carl?”

Carl hung his head, glasses glinting in the light of the lantern. “‘Ya know anything about first aid, man?”

“Just that it saved my brother’s life,” Amy said solemnly. Carl flinched. Amy threw her flour-sack pants at him. “Look, doofus. You’re a massive dork, you’re quiet, you’re lazy, but damnit if you aren’t full of surprises. Next thing we’ll hear is you saying you learned how to wallhack from your Global Elite account in Counter Strike.”

“Accuse me of hacking again and I will cast Grease on everything you own once I learn it.” Carl threatened with a sharp glare.

“I’m joking, joking!” Amy giggled. “Look, tomorrow, let’s work together on what we know about magic. Should help us synergise better when we get going.”

There was a knock on the door and both of them looked up. Brian, looking worn to the bone, leaned in. “That sounds smarter than you usually are, Amy. Dinner is about to come out, B-T-W.”

“Swag,” Carl said. Amy sighed.

“Put your stupid shirt on and stop being so stereotypical.”

“No.”

“One, two, three, four-five, one!”

Zach and Amy echoed each other as Zach counted, improvised branch-swords swishing in tandem. Amy had kept her slightly crooked but otherwise trusty birch walking stick, which was a little long but was plenty sturdy. Zach had gone for a slightly smaller stave pulled from the camp kindling.

“Again,” Zach huffed.

Alicorn Guard, cut to left Dreamer. Lunging cut to right Dragon’s Tail. Thrust, pull it back to Left Minotaur, immediate overhead circular cut and settle back to Alicorn.

“One, two, three, four-five, one!” Zach repeated, quietly enough that the noise wouldn’t carry to the huts further away.

Amy panted as they worked their way forward and back across the top of the monastery wall, dim torchlight at their feet and bright moonlight above. Her sides burned with a cramp from exertion after the strange centuari beet pie, and her feet hurt from far more steps in her heeled boots than she had expected today. But there was no way she was going to let Zach convince her to quit.

“Ok, break, break.”

Amy immediately dropped to a knee, propping herself up on her stick and clutching her side. “Oh God. Dinner. Was. A bad idea. Ow.”

“You too?” Zach gave a lopsided grin. “Yeah, me too. We should find a better time.”

“Probably,” Amy agreed. She hauled herself gingerly to her feet. Zach rolled his shoulders.

“Ok, let’s just run through the Guards one more time, then turn in. Bottom up, take ‘em and name ‘em.”

Amy nodded. She gripped both hands on her staff just above the knobby end, centering it in front of her hips before dipping the far end almost to the ground beside her.

“Dreamer. For rising strikes. Defeats Alicorn and Minotaur.”

Keeping her hands by her hips, she raised the tip to point at an imaginary opponent.

“Dragon Tail. For thrusts and blade locks. Defeats Dreamer.”

She raised her arms to shoulder height, stick still level.

“Minotaur. Thrust and power swings. Defeats Dragon.”

Finally, she widened her stance, raising the staff fully overhead.

“Alicorn. Aggressive cuts and counter-cuts. Defeats Dragon.” Amy let out a breath as she relaxed. “Real-talk. I get the rest, but the hell is an Alicorn?”

Zach almost immediately brightened, like he did whenever he got to share his prior knowledge of the pony world. “Oh! Alicorns are special ponies, basically the power of all three pony races. They’re strong like Earth Ponies, have wings like Pegasai and a magic horn like Unicorns. They’re super-powerful and basically immortal. There’s only three in the show. Wait… no, four. All princesses.”

Amy ground her stick into a divit in the top of the wall. “So… a ruling race?”

Zach chuckled as he hopped down onto the ramp-side of the wall, holding out a hand to help her. “Ha, yeah, more like god-race. Celestia and Luna are literally goddesses by another name.”

Amy tried her hardest not to look shocked. “A… goddess?”

Zach nodded happily. “Yep! It’s actually their story that kicks off the whole show.”

Amy’s mind was racing. This had the potential to upset her whole understanding of how the universe worked, but if it would keep them alive… she would have to consider it.

“Maybe you should tell us some of the stories from the show, sometime,” she suggested casually.

Zach actually squeed in excitement.

To be continued in Chapter Eight: Normal Quote Unquote

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to Do in an RPG #158: I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.

Yeah, it’s a bit short.
PS: despite the world’s efforts, Not Dead.

Chapter 6: Rinse, Wash, Treat Frostbite, Repeat

Carl adjusted his pseudo-toga as Daring Do led them to the area in front of the alter, where a long, chest-high table had been set up. Five stools sat up at the end of the table closest to the alter, and one lone one at the farthest end. Boats of a thick brown stew and baskets of bread sat in between the rows of wooden bowls and spoons. Torchlight lit the whole area brightly.

He finally got a solid count of the monastery's population, too. About twenty, total, with males outnumbering the females three-to-one.

Daring perched herself on her stool right away, wincing slightly as she tucked her hind legs under her. Carl grabbed a seat that would put him in the middle, and Brian sat at the end, closest to the head of the table. Amy sat on the far side, eyeing the food angily. Or it might have just been the lack of makeup after the bathhouse, she looked rather... intense... without it.

Zach showed up a few moments later, looking slightly disheveled and carrying a basket of bread. He pushed it up onto the table and sat down next to him with a grin.

"Sup dude. Why are you so happy?" Carl asked.

"Got a job. The chef is cool, he says if I keep working then he'll give us rations for the trip." Zach leaned back to call over to Brian. "The whole trip! Food is set, man!"

"Sweet." Brian said, smoothing out the piece of paper in front of him and scratching into one of the items with a fingernail. Carl had found a quill pen and ink set in one of the guest room nightstands, so Brian had made a list of supplies.

"You say Master Hemok let you stay in his kitchen?" Tirvaru walked up to them, hoof-falls heavy as the population gathered around the table and conversation picked up. He picked up a roll from the basket Zach had brought and bit into it without ceremony.

"Yeah?" Zach asked, confused. Carl got the impression that Zach had unintentionally blown someones mind, again. Like the Home Ed Incident.

"Huh." Tivaru's grunt confirmed it, and the big centaur picked up a bowl and began ladling stew in. "Dig in, dig in. You do the pony thing, waiting for everyone to be ready. Hungry bellies hate to wait."

"Polite is polite, even across cultures." Daring Do said before scooping herself a small amount of stew and adding three rolls to her bowl. She didn't have nearly as much of an issue with the ladle as he thought she would have, just grabbing it with her teeth.

Carl quickly set about catching up before all the food was gone. Brian changed the subject as he helped himself. "I gotta say, for basically being aliens from another dimension around here, everybody seems pretty chill with us wandering around."

"Well, you are not the most unique thing we have encountered here, by far." Tivaru said before raising his voice and calling down the table. "Isn't that right, Master Tigok? Remember the quetzal?"

A centaur further down the line, male with an impressive set of horns, snorted into his soup as he tried not to laugh, several others chuckling as well. "Oh, I remember! Thought being a Feyscape emissary made it lord of all it saw until a yearling stepped on it's tail and made it cry. Politicians."

"Right! Was that not little Sivaro before he left? Besides..." Tivaru turned back to Brian, "You are not entirely unsupervised. We are peaceful, but we are warriors. Saint Charon guides us to protect this valley, and more than once has turned back those who want to use it's offerings."

"Oh." Amy nodded. "I guess that explains the general buffness. And the spears. And the air of 'peace or we kick your asses.'"

Warrior Monks, huh? Carl took a big bite of the stew. It was very rich, and he had never thought that there was such a thing as too much flavor before. He nudged Zach.

"Bro, what with the soup? It's... strong." Carl whispered.

"Carnivores." Zach muttered back. "Turns out they can't taste very well, so more spices. They're not pure meat-eaters, they use a lot of veggies as filler, but it shows. That's what Master Hemok said, anyway."

Carl nodded. Great. At least it's edible, though. He looked at Daring, who was dipping the end of her roll in the stew. Carl followed suit, and the bread tamed the flavor to tolerable levels. Not bad.

Brian continued what amounted to an interrogation of Daring Do and Tivaru about the area and culture, and Carl quickly lost interest. He was feeling oddly restless. The last twenty-four hours had been an utter whirlwind that felt like it took far longer, and downtime felt foreign. His mind wandered, and he found himself wondering what would be the best place to hole up if it was attacked, then caught himself. C'mon, man, you're safe here. You don't want a fight. Right? That's not cool.

"So names are titles, as well?" Amy was asking to his left. Carl pulled himself back to the present and identified that the female centaur that had been helping them, Sicarei, had joined them.

"Not quite. The 'Ti' is a claim to one's role in life. Any adult centaur may claim it at any time. However, it must be done while taking that life-role, and anyone may challenge it. It is most honorable to accept and overcome such a challenge." Sicarei explained.

"So, you're like, still a kid?" Carl asked. "You look the same age as most of them. How old are you, man?"

"Carl!" Amy gasped. "This is why you never had a girlfriend!"

Carl pouted. "That's cold, man!"

Sicarei, at least, took it in stride. "No, it is fine... I simply have not found my challenge yet. It it very peaceful here."

The centaur to her right nodded. "Peace is a blessing, but it requires great patience for a warrior to claim their place. Even one as old as yourself, little-horns."

"Shut your face-hole, Tiyun. You tend plants." Sicarei shot back.

"I tend plants best, little horns. You practice for a fight that will never come, all day." Tiyun sneered.

"Anyway, I think it's fascinating." Amy interrupted. "And we could certainly use some training if you can. We're not exactly warriors."

"Historically, you have some potential." Daring Do said, popping the last of her rolls into her mouth and reaching for another from the basket. She noticed everyone was looking at her and swallowed. "There are some stuff of humans or human-like races being powerful beings when they show up. Most end with the human disappearing, if the end can be found at all. You guys look make those look a little exaggerated."

"Cheery." Brian said. "Any about the humans going home? Or more recent stories?"

Daring shook her head. "The most recent are from over two-hundred years ago. Some upstart warlord started a campaign then vanished from the record books a month in. War kept going for a year before it stalled in Delphi Basin. Nasty piece of work, necromancy was involved by the end."

Brian lowered his head into his hands. "Hopefully our reputation as complete assholes doesn't precede us."

"You are fine, you are fine." Tivaru laughed, wiping out his bowl with a piece of bread. "I have fought in wars beside the forces of Equestria before, and you do not seem the dangerous type. Young, and well-meaning."

"And kinda squishy." Carl added. We'd get steamrolled. I don't think anything I could learn in that book could win against one of these guys. I bet they get damage reduction, too.

"And soft, yes. Not exactly the 'pillage and burn' type." Tivaru nodded. "And as such, you may stay as long as you need so long as you pull your weight. If you don't wish to work you may still sleep here, but you do not eat our food past the first day. That is the centaur law of hospitality."

Daring hopped off of her stool. "It's a bit rough, but fair. They don't actually ask for much."

Carl stood up himself. He wanted to get away from the gathering as soon as he could. "Seems legit. I'm happy to not sleep on the ground again. And actually sleep."

"Not yet, you aren't." Brian grabbed him by the back of his robe. "We're getting everything we can done to fill our funds, so I volunteered us for dishwashing-duty earlier today. Zach cooked. You're helping."

Carl did his best impression of a cat being dragged to the bath as Brian pulled him along before relenting. Dirty dishes it was.

***

... with the Words of the cryonic projection segment, precision must be used in selecting the angle of the projection. Mispronunciation of a Draconic "am" can result in the field being too wide, only causing minor reduction in the surrounding temperature, while drawing out the third vowel can result in a beam that collapses inward to ineffective ranges or even turns back on the caster. More uncommon errors include...

Carl took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. The font was horrifically tiny, and he kept having to stop and pick out the meaning of particularly complex words. So far he had a solid understanding for what he needed to prepare a Flare spell, but that was less than useful on it's own. He was halfway through the three pages dedicated to the easiest offensive spell he could find.

"You alright?" Amy called over at him from where she was watching her brother. Brian had his paper and quill pen out again, hand-copying a map lent to them by Tivaru. They were taking turns, it looked like painfully slow work. Zach lay still, looking at the pattern of wood boards and straw on the ceiling.

"Yeah, just tired." Carl said slowly, looking blankly at the blurry shape of the book on his lap. Crushing emptiness surrounded him as his mind replayed the split-second actions of their battle on the tower roof last night. And afterward, as he had been looking over Amy as she lay unconscious, trying to find something, anything he could do to help. Treat for shock. Treat for shock. Nothing but treat for shock.

"Guys... are we gonna be ok?"

Carl surprised himself. He hadn't meant to say anything.

Zach sat up. "Yeah, man, why wouldn't we be? We're out of the frying pan and... um... well, I don't think there is a fire."

Carl shrugged. "Looks like it, right, dude? But what next? We're kinda helpless."

"It's ok, Carl," Amy sighed, "I know what you mean. But we have a plan. We know what the next step is. It'll be rough, but just one day at a time."

Carl closed his book, setting it on the corner of his giant centaur bed. "I know. I think I was kinda stoked about this, this time yesterday. But now I feel like we're getting trolled by the universe for shits-n-giggles."

"Don't worry." Brian stopped drawing and put aside his materials. "We're only completely fucked. Everything is fine."

"Not helping, dude." Carl said.

"Sorry." Brian sighed. "And I'm sorry to you too, Zach. I shouldn't have yelled at you yesterday."

"Huh?" Zach looked very confused for a moment. "Oh, that? No, it's fine, this whole thing is my fault-"

"Like hell it is." Brian growled. Carl braced himself for an outburst that didn't quite come. "I was that merchant. None of us could predict that. If you took the sword, then someone beat us up in a back alley, that would be your fault, but no..."

"Easy, Bri." Amy chided. Brian took a deep breath.

"Point is it's that creeper's fault, and if we run into him he get's one chance to fix everything." Brian leaned over and grabbed one of the spare sheets of fabric, curling up and pulling it over himself. "I'm going to sleep."

Amy reached up and turned the knob on the hanging lantern until it went out. Carl leaned back, pulling his Giant Wizard Hat from next to him over to cover his head.

Treat for shock...

Carl opened his eyes. He didn't remember closing them and wasn't sure he had slept at all, but all the torchlight outside was gone. It was definitely late at night. He curled up tighter against the cool air, feeling tiny on the bed. Crickets chirped back and fourth outside.

Mispronunciation of a Draconic "am" can result in the field being too wide, only causing minor reduction in the surrounding temperature...

I'm going crazy. Carl sat up, trying not to sigh. He thought he had this down, that he could take any and all of the stress the world could throw at him. I guess this wasn't the world I was prepared for.

"Carl?" Zach whispered from the next bed over. "You alright?"

"Cold, dude." Carl whispered back. It wasn't really the problem, but most people left him alone if he gave a throwaway answer.

"Oh. Me too." Zach pulled his legs up to his chest.

They stayed silent for a bit, and Carl just sat there, staring blankly out into the room. His vision was terrible, he could barely make out the shapes of everyone but he wasn't really looking. He just wanted to know they were there. He didn't want to go back to sleep and be stuck as the only one who could help.

He realized Amy's eyes weren't closed either. She was staring out the door, he guessed.

"Nobody can sleep, can they?" Carl whispered to the room at large.

Brian rolled over. "Daring Do is out cold."

Daring punctuated that with a soft snore. Carl sighed.

"Bri, it's freezing." Amy complained, getting up. "Scoot over."

Brian pulled off the sheet, letting Amy climb up with him. Carl decided to take refuge in audacity. It worked most of the time.

He stood and padded his way over to the other bed. He couldn't see Brian's expression in the darkness, but he imagined it was confused.

"No homo, man. She's got the right idea."

"No homo." Brian confirmed, making room.

It was warmer, at least. Carl really didn't want it to be weird, but it was much more comfortable with a body next to him.

"Weirdos." Zach muttered.

Two minutes later Zach joined them, silently. Carl tugged the sheet over to cover some of him.

Amy's breathing was the first to become regular, slow and peaceful. Carl tried his hardest to match it, keeping still so as not to disturb anyone.

Before he knew it he was fast asleep.

***

Carl just chilled through the next morning. Brian had gone out to ask around for jobs, Zach took off to the kitchen again and Amy had went to track down their original clothes.

So he sat on the bed, put on his glasses and opened the spellbook again.

He had dedicated himself to intense study before, it had been usual behavior when he got a copy of a older or complex simulator game. X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter had locked him up for an afternoon between the surprisingly thick manual and the various guides on how to make the old game run on his computer, then again after getting annihilated in the first mission and promptly looking up a tutorial. DCS A-10C had been far worse of a learning curve yet he pulled that off on the first try, but never had he fully applied himself like this. He wasn't going to get a chance to reboot and restart. He had to be on-point.

... With precise positioning of the fingers, a fifteen-degree twist clockwise will cast the spell if coincided with the chosen Words of Triggering. It is not recommended to relax these tolerances with the addition of Quickening clauses, to prevent foul casting during casual conversation-

"There you are!" Brian startled Carl out of his focus. He threw a bundle of tunic, pants, boots and socks at him. "Suit up, space cowboy. We got shit to do. How's the magic going?"

"Fucking mind-blowing, dude. I have no idea how it works, but I think I can get it to work." Carl rubbed his eyes, jumping up and yanking off the sheets of his toga. Brian was already wearing his black shirt and baggy pants, looking less bloodstained with rough stitching holding the holes in his sleeve together.

"Cool." Brian looked away pointedly as Carl got dressed. "Head to the front gate, you're cleaning moss out of the walls. Tivaru said it wasn't gonna be hard, just some chores."

Carl finished tugging his boots on and grabbed his Giant Wizard Hat, jamming it on his head. "It's cleaning. Man, can I just stay inside? Any librarians or some shit that want helpers? I don't wanna work."

Brian shrugged. "I'll ask tomorrow, but just do your best for now. I gotta go find Amy, we're fixing roofs."

Carl wandered out of the guest house, scuffing his boots as he went. Welcome to the new normal, I guess. Same as the old normal, but with backfireing Rays of Frost.

This was the first time Carl thought such a thought, but it was certainly not the last.

To be continued in Chapter Seven: Solo Queue

Author's Note

Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to Do in an RPG #863: Bigby's Offensive Finger is not a real spell.

Mastery is stubbornness multiplied by time. Luck is the ability to make the most of a situation. Fairness is an illusion you let the enemy have so they can be crushed utterly. All of these together make sick-ass plays.
- overheard in the bay12 forums