"What!?" Zach bristled at the accusation.

"Well it is! Just because you watch a cartoon and a centaur was a bad guy does not mean every centaur is a bad guy!" Amy shot. That stung. "That's like saying every German is evil because of Hitler!"

"That's low." Zach said.

"A least now we know who this... T-to-the-R-rekt dude is." Carl noted, looking over his shoulder nervously at the centaur guarding them at the far side of the long dining hall. The guard waved cheerily. "Man, draining magic like that must be a dick move to piss off his whole race."

"Kinda badass if you think about it. In a Napoleon kinda way. Taking on the whole world literally yourself," Amy mused. She picked up her bowl and took another gulp of water.

Brian snored into the table to Zach's right. The guy looked like death itself by the time he had made it.

"Whew, I'm with him. I never knew plain water could taste so good." Zach set down his bowl and stood up out of the trough-like centauri chair, then started picking at the cords holding his leg armor on. "I'm gonna apologize now, guys, this is reek when I take it off."

"We can offer bathing. The spring-house is nearby." Sicarei trotted in carrying more water. Zach made certain the chair was in between him and the centaur. She was quick and he still had fresh bruises on his back, and they had taken his sword.

Amy sighed in relief. "Oh, yes-please-and-thank-you ma'am. Between a convention, sleeping outdoors and the odd near-death experience, we need it."

The centaur lady bowed graciously. Zach was starting to pick out the details between genders. Most of them seemed rather masculine in build, but the females had thinner horns, less angular brows and lacked the length for the beard-like fur on their faces to pass "goatee." The lack of classically feminine features like breasts really was all that was throwing him off.

And the muscles. Seriously, Lord Tirek might have been more ripped, but not by much. Every one of the centaurs he had seen had arms like tree-trunks.

"Do you bathe socially or in private? Or some other convention?" Sicarei asked, clearing the platters of heavy bread aside. "Cultures vary, but the bath has a divided area should you need it."

"Divided." Amy said quickly, shooting a dirty look at Carl. Carl gave a solid "what the hell?" look back. Zach tried not to look guilty as he followed Amy's train of thought and derailed quickly.

"Very well. I will show you to the spring-house then come back and bring Mister Brian to the guest quarters."

Carl shrugged. "I was just gonna wake his ass up. He needs a bath as much as we do."

"Let him sleep," Zach said. "He looks like hell."

The three followed Sicarei out of the dining hall. The courtyard of the monastery was huge, all trampled dirt save for small islands containing either carefully arranged stones or beautiful arrays of tended plants. Most of the plants seemed to be vegetables or flowers, and Zach wondered if these centaurs were herbivores like the ponies. Three or so centaur monks tended to the area, most with broad straw hats and straw covering over their backs to keep the sun off. It was considerably warmer inside the walls, under the sun.

Speaking of, the walls monastery were odd. They were not tall on this side, looking a little more than an adult's height, shored up with ramps of dirt all the way to the ramparts. But Zach had seen the outside, and their was a deep and wide trench all the way around that nearly tripled the height if you wanted in. They had been made out of huge dark stones, none smaller than he was with, an unnaturally smooth and rounded appearance fitted perfectly with each other. Thatch domes formed the houses and buildings of the monastery itself, forming a great circle just inside the wall save for what was clearly a open-air shrine and the one building they were heading to.

"Those rocks arn't from here, are they?" Amy asked, pointing as they walked to the stone dome with a plume of steam coming from the top.

"Oh? Why do you say it is so?" Sicarei asked, perplexed. Zach looked closer, not getting what she saw.

Amy reached down and picked up a loose rock from the dirt. "All the rocks from the surrounding area are light-colored. The walls and stuff are dark. Did you mine them from somewhere or what?"

"Like, igneous?" Carl said, squinting at the alter. "You guys built everything out of big-ass lava-rocks."

"Oh." Sicarei frowned, thinking. "I never gave it thought. Charon Monastery is very old, but I believe they breath the rocks from the ground. It would not be hard to do."

"Breath?" Carl asked, looking at Zach. Zach gave his best I'dunno shrug, equally confused.

"It is the Centauri way. Control of breath, control of body." Sicarei explained. "If your body is one with magic, then you have control of magic as well."

Carl took off his hat as they entered the dome. "Is there, like, a million different kinds of magic or what?"

"Yes." Sicarei nodded happily.

Inside was far less a bath and more a sauna, Zach realized as the humidity hit him like a wall. A meters-wide wide basin sat in the middle with a few inches of steaming water in it, the edges crusted with white-gold minerals. Sicarei trotted ahead and pulled a pair of huge straw mats out of a leather chest at the back, carefully kicking a basket of bristle-brushes with extra-long handles around to the side of the basin.

"I will hang one for your privacy, female, and close the bath. If any of you feel lightheaded, please leave quickly. You should not need many towels, you are rather small. I will return." Their centaur host gave a cheery, if fang-filled, smile.

A minute later Amy had vanished behind the divider and Sicarei had left. Zach looked at Carl, not sure of what was the next step. Carl was the first to take action after the awkward pause.

"No homo, I guess." Carl said, pulling his tunic over his head and free-throwing it into a nearby wicker basket.

Zach grimaced, averting his eyes as he stripped. He hated locker rooms, that was one of the main reasons he ended up being home schooled. Now at least he hadn't gotten the bruises in there. He just had bruises from before going in.

There was an additional moment of disgust when he realized that the breaches under the leather layer of his armor was the last layer, and he didn't have underwear. Glancing quickly at Carl, it looked like he didn't either. Traditional clothes suck, Zach concluded.

"I'm guessing the brushes are for washing yourselves, huh?" Amy called from around the divider. Her arm appeared for a moment as she dunked hers into the basin. "Ooh! Watch out, it's pretty hot."

The boys looked at each other and followed suit. The water was nearly scalding, but cooled quickly out of the basin and was easy enough to bathe with. Zach scrubbed himself down, skirting around the massive sore spot on his back and squeezing as much water through his hair as he could. The runoff trickled to the outside of the room and vanished through an unseen drain.

"Oh, bro, you got nailed," Carl noted, leaning over for a good look at Zach's back. "Left a hoof-print and everything. Amy'll have to look at it later."

Zach craned his neck unsuccessfully to look. "Really? At least it looks how it feels."

There was a clatter from the entrance. Zach turned around, covering himself with his scrubber, to see Sicarei standing in front of a dropped basket of towels, hands raised to cover her mouth.

"Oh, Lord Char and Thunder! I'm so sorry!"

Carl blinked in confusion, not even bothering to cover himself like Zach. "Naw, dude, it's not like it really matters, we're not the same species and I'm pretty sure you ain't wearing clothes either-"

Sicarei gathered herself, collecting the towels that flew free. "No, not yourself. I did grave damage to the small one! I had no idea you kind were so delicate!"

Zach didn't take long to realize he was the 'small one' and have embarrassment flare like nothing else. He turned sidelong so that neither the bruise or his privates would be easily seen. "'M not that delicate. Tanked just fine last nigh." he muttered. I can be tough...

"If it's really bad I can Cure it now!" Amy said, slightly muffled. "Just throw me a towel!"

"It's not!" Zach insisted.

"It is!" Carl and Sicarei said at the same time.

Zach moaned. I can't even be a tough guy! Big deal "fighter" I'm turning out to be.

***

Zach blinked awake from his little nap as Brian and Daring Do arrived in the guest house, Brian wrapped in a towel like the rest of them and Daring just looking generally cleaner and more refreshed.

Brian still looked like hell, but less sweaty and more alert hell.

"Ok, gang, gather round, asshats." Brian clapped his hands, then quickly caught his towel before it could slide too far. "Two things. One, the nice centaur lady is getting us something to cover up with until our clothes can be washed, and two, we need to make a game plan."

Amy nodded from the corner where she was slowly grinding her stick into the sandy dirt floor. "She's a real sweetheart."

"She stepped on me!" Zach protested.

"Most guys would love for such a nice girl to step on them!" Amy shot, grinning wickedly. Zach sputtered as his brain shut off in horror at the implications.

Brian growled. "Can you not break him? We need him for this."

"What's up, dude?" Carl put away his spellbook and joined the group. "I'm learning to fake Draconic. Get on my level."

"Cool story." Brian sat down on one of the beds; low, king-sized straw pads on wooden supports, covered in patterned quilts. It was fairly clear one was meant to sleep on top of them, not under the quilts. Brian waved them to gather around as Daring flung herself onto the furthest bed, tossing her helmet casually onto a nightstand.

"I was talking with Daring Do, and she's agreed to put in a good word for us-" Brian's frown deepened, "-but she's not going to take us to this Princess Celestia, she's leaving tomorrow. The general idea seems to be that if anyone can get us back to our world, this princess can or she knows who can. There are three problems I see stopping us."

Carl cocked his head. "Only three, man?"

"Three main problems." Brian stressed. "One. It's gonna take a minimum of a week's walking to make it to the boarder of princesses country. There is fuck-all between us and a... Pillydelphia? Sounded a little too close..."

"Filly, like the horse. Fillydelphia." Zach explained the pun. Brian rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that, from there it's a train. Which leads to both two and three." Brian said.

Amy snorted. "Two, the vast majority of this world has tried to kill us. Half of what we met tried to eat us."

"That's actually problem three." Brian sighed. "Problem two is we have no funds or supplies, and it turns out that while they are charitable, we're expected to earn our keep. The big centaur, whatever-his-name-is, said if we work he will supply us, but I expect it will take a while."

He paused and considered a moment. "Problem three is half the world wants to eat us. So we need to really gear up before we go."

"But we can get home, man. That's the important part." Carl pointed out.

"Well Princess Celestia is the best pony, and will totally help. Equestria is basically a utopia!" Zach added, starting to get excited. "Think, just a week trip and it'll be all cushy! I bet you won't want to leave!"

Brian glared at him. "Don't you dare go all 'Dances with Wolves' on me, Zach. We're aiming to get home, sort out this mess, and possibly shank the asshole who sold us your damn sword. No deviation."

Zach pouted. "I know! I need to get back to dad, but I'm still gonna enjoy the trip."

The thought of his father pressed heavily on Zach's mind as soon as he mentioned it. He must be terrified! Poor guy...

"Our mom and dad are probably freaking out..." Amy said quietly, echoing Zach's thoughts. Zach thought of something and perked up.

"There's ways to send letters across dimensions! I think."

"What?" Brian perked up. The follow-up immediately dashed the look of hope.

"In Equestria. We have to get there first."

Brian threw up his hands "Shit! So we still need to get funds, get geared, travel for God-knows how long, and then we can phone home. Maybe. Anything else I should know?"

Zach sat back and thought, deflated.

"It's not that bad of a trip." Daring Do called from her bed. "No serious terrain until Naponi Pass, less monsters than Equestria proper in general. Plenty of ruins that aren't deadly deathtraps to sleep in. You should be fine."

"Yeah?" Brian asked suspiciously, "Why are they ruins, then?"

"For now, though, we shouldn't worry to much." Amy lay back down, tugging the massively oversized wool towel to make sure it preserved her modesty. "We'll ask for some paper to list the supplies we need, make a firm plan."

Carl sat up suddenly. "I smell food."

Zach sniffed. They could definitely smell something floating in, heavy with herbs. A errant idea came to him, and Zach got up to act on it.

"I'm gonna go see if I can help. Might as well start working off debit now, right?"

Brian sighed, waving him out and laying back to nap. "Knock yourself out."

He nearly made it out the door before backpedaling rapidly with a yelp as an unfamiliar centaur entered through the same door. Daring shot upright at the intrusion.

"Sweet Celestia, why don't you guys ever knock?"

"Apologies, Doctor Do." The centaur rumbled, offering a stack of brown fabric. "Tivaru sent me in Innate Sicarei's place with linens that may work as clothing for the- Your friends to use as clothing. Ceremonial robes would likely have fit, but we cannot spare them."

"Oh. Thanks, then." Amy got up. "Our species is Human, if you were wondering. We can work with these just fine."

"I did not want to presume. Dinner will be served as the sun sets." The centaur turned to leave before Zach spoke up.

"N-no chance I can help out? With cooking, I mean. I'm not terrible at it, I know my way around a kitchen."

The centaur shrugged, an intimidating motion when his arms were as big around as Zach's waist. "That is up to Master Hemok. I cannot say, only wish you luck."

The four of them struggled for a moment before Amy came up with a good way to wrap were effectively bedsheets into serviceable tunics with a twisted belt, leaving them clothed but bareleggged. The courtyard had been clean and clear of anything painful to the feet on the way over from the bathhouse, giving Zach no problem as he stepped out and scanned the buildings upwind of the guest house. He set off toward the one that looked most promising, with a thin plume of grey smoke rising from the hole in the roof.

Inside was a bizarre blend of a tribal pit-fire and a shockingly classy kitchen. Polished, dark stone countertops and modern-looking kitchen knives in blocks contrasted sharply with the thatch roofing overhead and smoldering firepit with a huge wooden pot in the center of the room. Zach blinked in surprise as the sole chef turned to him. It wasn't a centaur.

What Zach assumed to be Master Hemok was bipedal and wearing an apron, but that was where the familiar ended. A long, narrow face, full of wrinkles, poked out of a bushy mane of salt-and-pepper hair that formed a ruff around the chef's neck and shoulders. The long, almost emaciated arms ended in thin claws on equally long fingers, and the rear legs matched, and a single, withered bat-wing hung limply off of his back. It was half-werewolf, half-lion and a healthy dusting of snake-like features.

It was also very, very old.

"Oi! I told Tibara to keep her critters outta the kitchen! Shoo, shoo! Eh?"

Zach waved cautiously. "Hi. I'm Zach. I want to help out if I can."

"Helper? And... human?" Zach's shock was lost as the strange creature whirled away to give the pot over the fire. "Oh, so they think old Hemok needsa helper in here. Bah! I haven't needed any help with anything but the dishes since I started this job! Who put you up to it, eh? Master Tigok? One of the Innates? Eh?"

"N-no one, sir. My friends and I need to earn our keep while we stay. How did you know I was human? Are you a... a..." Zach shook his head, desperately confused as the old master darted around.

"I'ma gargoyle, boy, traditional good-luck charm of every centauri tribe. Old enough to have seen some daft things. Get that garlic, would you?"

Zach found the string of garlic cloves, and jumped up to snag it off the hook. He held it out, only to be grabbed by the shoulder and steered roughly over to a cutting board.

"Chop up a two cloves. Then the radishes once I figure out where they went." Master Hemok barked. "You know how to use knives, right, boy? Good. You'd think they thought I was gonna kick the bucket, eh? Keep doting on me like I can't keep this up another hundred years. Three wars couldn't kill me! Likea winter draft is gonna do it. Bah! What are you doing here, boy? What did you bring to the table? Mind control? Gonna be raising the dead, eh?"

"What?" Zach pushed aside the diced garlic into a small wooden bowl and wiped off the knife, stepping clear of the whirlwind chef and heading to the shelves covering a quarter of the wall for radishes. "No, no, my friends got all that. I think. I got a sword."

Hemok gave a cackle. "Well, that's a bit classy, then! Oh, you found the radish. You don't look like some mighty warrior of the epics, eh? I didn't know they made 'em that small. You even full-grown, boy?"

"Yes." Zach sent the knife through the radish harder than he meant and nearly cut a fingertip. I know I'm a tiny dude, that doesn't mean I can't be cool! I'm taller than Tom Cruise. I swear, one of these days...

"We don't eat that bit, boy!" The old gargoyle yelled as Zach distractedly kept cutting up the radishes stalk. Zach shook himself and carefully brushed the incorrect part out, but Hemok was having none of it. "Get off, leave it! Stir the blasted pot! Get over there. Shoo!"

Chagrined, Zach got out of the way and picked up the stirring paddle for the massive pot. He gave it a few turns, then sniffed again in surprise. He could identify potato, beans, the garlic that had just been tossed in, some kind of leafy vegetable...

"Sir, is this meat?"

"Rabbit. Morning hunt on east vale. Idiot innates broke two bolts. Sloppy, eh?" Master Hemok said, busy kneading dough across the kitchen.

Zach took another whiff. It smelled wonderful, but- "Can Daring Do eat this? I mean, she's a pony, and-"

"If decides she don't like my dumpling stew she can flap right out! It was find last year, but nooo, we got to be picky this time." The gargoyle chef ranted, rolling a wad of dough between his hands. Zach backpedaled quickly.

"No no, no offense to your cooking, sir! I just wondered, because she's a pegasus... Ponies are vegan, right? They can't eat meat?"

Master Hemok scoffed. "Superstition and rumor! It just gives them gas. She never sticks around, so we don't have to deal with the side effects of 'alternative pegasus propulsion,' eh? Eh? Ah-hahahahahah stop laughing!"

Zach flinched and stopped his chuckle promptly. "S-sir?"

"Meat jokes are bad taste with ponies. I'm old so it don't count."

Zach slumped at the unfairness. But it was funny. I like fart jokes.

He looked up as Master Hemok started tossing tiny wads of dough into the pot, carefully alternating between making sure it wasn't burning to the bottom and stirring the dumpling in. My standards are really low...

To be continued in Chapter 6: Rinse, Wash, Treat Frostbite, Repeat.

Author's Note

Things Mr Welch is No Longer Allowed to do in an RPG #1449: Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.

Old people are assholes. Cool old people are funny assholes. That was exhausting. I need a break.

Aww... 68/10. Now this story is tied with my other story for most dislikes. Unfortunately that's not counterbalanced by several hundred likes. This is definitely my worst-received story. As I have not seen any damning criticism though, I will assume it's just on-sight downvotes for being Displaced until noted otherwise.

Please do note otherwise. Critics are welcome here. Grammar nazis are requested to PM me to reduce clutter, or there'd be nothing else. Otherwise roast me, bitches.