Kentucky Derpy

by Phoenix Quill

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 3906

During the running of the leaves, a random thing happens, sending Derpy to the Kentucky Derby. Things happen.

The running of the leaves is a national tradition in Equestria, and Ditzellia Esmerelda Doo, AKA Derpy Hooves, is as per usual, running in last.

But when she's suddenly transported to Earth during the Kentucky Derby in the 1940s, things become very different for her. Now, stuck on earth, and with no way to get home, what harm could there be in being the only winged equine in professional racing?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-07 07:57:46 UTC

Running of the leaves

"I can do it," the grey pegasus said to herself as she trotted up to the starting line. "This year, it's going to be different."

Her name was Ditzellia Esmerelda Doo, Ditzy Doo for short. However, most everypony she knew had come to call her a different name over the years. "Hey Derpy!"

Ditzy, or as everypony called her, Derpy Hooves, turned and smiled to Bon Bon as she came up to her. "Hey, how's it going?" She said casually as she continued to stretch her legs.

"Fine, just fine," Bon Bon said with a smile as she came closer to Derpy. "Lyra's getting something to drink, and I thought I would check out what you were doing."

"Oh," Derpy said with a smile as one of her eyes wandered about. "Just trying to get myself psyched up for the big race!" She smiled wide, but there was a slight glimmer of doubt that crossed her misaligned eyes.

Bon Bon gave a small smile of understanding as she nodded. "Don't worry, I'm sure you won't wind up in last, again." She winced as she saw Derpy frown at the comment, and quickly tried to recover. "I-I mean, you know, winning isn't the point of it all you know. It's all to-"

"Help shake the leaves down from the trees," Derpy finished. "I know, but I can't help but feel a bit less confident, what with Rainbow Dash being apart of this race."

As if on queue, Rainbow dash strutted by the conversing pair, chest puffed out with a small collection of gold and silver medals from the last couple of years. "Hey-yay, make way for the champion!" She called out as she passed through the crowd of ponies rolling their eyes.

Bon Bon was about to say something, when a suddenly a voice boomed out across the warm up area, "Racers, head to the starting line and prepare to race!"

Everypony quickly lined up at the starting line, and got into the starting position. Derpy quietly took her position, three rows from the front, just on the outside left of the dirt track. "This year, I won't be last," she said to herself with a smile. She lowered her silver goggles over her eyes that she had been given a few years ago by the Princesses, magically allowing her eyes to line up and see the race around her normally.

She barely had a moment to register that Pinkie Pie was announcing to the spectators that the race was ready, nor the call out to go. What she did hear was the ringing of the bell that started the race, and she began to run as fast as she could.

She soon found out that the dust still tasted the same as every previous year. She also found out that she didn't care much for watching the rears of ponies running off just ahead of her, and having to watch as they got farther and farther away from her line of sight.  But still, she kept her own pace, and made her time. Take it easy, they'll soon be exhausted, and then you can pass them!

A half an hour into the race, and she was exhausted. She had yet to go off into a full gallop, and despite using her wings to give herself a little boost here and there, had yet to even find a single one of the ponies that had gone off ahead of her. This is ridiculous, she thought to herself. I mean, shouldn't I have passed somepony by now?

The trees around her had already been mostly shaken free of their leaves, and with her trotting by as quickly as she could and maintaining the same speed the speed, it was just enough to get the rest down from the branches. But despite the fact that she was doing her part to help, she still felt slightly upset to not have moved up past at least one other pony.

She'd just gone around a corner in the path, just between a cluster of trees in the woods when she'd noticed that something was off. The large amount of ponies standing and lying around and panting didn't set off any warning bells at first, and seeing them, she'd finally decided to go into a full gallop.

What she should have paid more attention to, was that Princess Twilight had called out for her to stop, and that there was a strange humming sound echoing through the air. What only registered in her mind far too late was the crackle of heavy magic, or possibly electricity hanging in the air. The only thought on her mind was that for the first time in her life, she could pass them all up, and be first.

She galloped full speed passed the group of ponies, and by the time that she'd finally registered that there might be something wrong, it was too late. The loud hum that had filled the air filled her ears, threatening to drown her in the cacophony of sound that flooded her very core. She slowed down, but was too late as the White Tail Wood, everypony around her, and the earth under her hooves disappeared in a blinding flash of light.

Where am I? She thought to herself in the great void around her. Is this what it's like to be dead? "Hello?" She called out, only for her own voice to answer back in an echo. Nothing surrounded her, yet she could see her hooves, lit by a light from which she couldn't find a source. It was as if the universe around her glowed with it's own light that came from everywhere and nowhere at once.

"I just wanted to not get last place," Derpy muttered to herself. "I wanna go home!"

As if in response, the universe around her growled, and she watched in absolute horror as she felt, and saw her body being stretched out in length. As if she were a pony made of rubber, being stretched out by some unknown force. She screamed, not because it hurt, but because it should have, and it didn't.

And with a sudden drop in the air, or perhaps lack of it, she was released, and shot forward into the void. Not knowing what to do, she began to flap her wings, as if to gain control over the uncontrollable. Her hooves galloping in the nothingness, hoping to find some sort of grip to run along with. Suddenly, she felt ground beneath her hooves, and the wind rushing into her face. The last she saw of this weird world, was a sudden flash of light that blinded her as she continued to run, not knowing what was ahead. But knowing that it was better than what she was leaving behind. After all, Anything is better than nothing at all...

Churchill Downs

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, it's a beautiful day here at Churchill Downs, and as always, I am Charles Wicket, and to my right is Bill Finley. Looks like a good day for the races, wouldn't you say Bill?"

"Oh yes, it's a beautiful day here. The-"

"Thank's Bill, anyway there's been a few minor races already, and if you had missed them, you can check the paper tomorrow for those results. Anyway, the betting cages are all now closed, and the horses are lining up at the starting gate. Stu Chan is our favorite for today, Assault is in there, Safety Pin has been scratched, Dog Biscuit is three to one, and at the worst odds at twenty to one is Beetle Bomb."

"And now it looks as if we are getting the final signal to start the race, yes, there's the bugle blast, and THERE THEY GO! Coming right out of the starting gate is Stu Chan, followed closely by ARRRG, and Cabbage is just behind up on the rail, Banana is taking fourth, and the rest of the pack is sticking close, and finally just out of the starting gate, is Beetle Bomb."

"Now we're coming up to the first turn, Stu Chan is still up in first, Cabbage is second by a head,"

"Cabbage by a head?!"

"Thank's Bill, and Beautiful Linda is third, and Beetle Bomb is in the first stretch."

"Coming out of the first turn, Dog Biscuit is in first, with Lady Avalon in a close second, Banana is coming up through the bunch,"

"Banana bunch! Ha! Oh you kill me,"

Quiet Bill, and now, Beetle Bomb is last, with Apartment House in second, with plenty of room. Stu Chan is now in first again with ARRRG in third, and Fly Paper sticking to the wall.  Assault is passing Battery,"

"Assult and Battery!"

"Quiet you, and now they are coming around the final turn into the home stretch. ARRRG has taken the lead, yes it's ARRRG, Followed by Banana, Now it's Apartment House getting an eviction from third by Late Rent.  And taking up the rear is Beetle Bomb."

"Now it's Stu Chan, followed by ARRRG, Pressed For Time is running behind, and in last place by ten paces is Beetle Bomb. It looks close ladies and gentlemen, It's Stu Chan, it's ARRRG, it's now Cabbage. The race is almost over, and it looks like- MY GOD, WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"I don't know if you just saw that Bill, but there was a very bright flash of light that has just appeared on the track, closely followed with a very loud noise that has spooked some of the horses. There's pandemonium on the track as the jockeys try to get their horses to continue the race. "

Judges are looking into the track, there seems to be some sort of a commotion, and wait, where did that horse come from? Ladies and gentlemen, if you are at home listening to this you simply won't believe what has just happened. it appears that a small grey and blond horse is running on the track with no jockey."

"Nobody seems to know where it came from, but it did look like it came out from that light that spooked the horses temporarily, the race is continuing but there's a judge holding up a signal to stop.  I don't believe what I'm seeing do you Bill?"

"No Charles, I don't. The small grey horse is pulling through the thicket of racers like they were standing still. It looks confused."

"Right you are, it's looking around and seems to be wearing goggles of some sort. Now it's passing ARRRG, and is decidedly in the lead of the pack, the judge is calling a no contest, and telling everyone that the race is a no contest, but they are still running to pass the, wait a minute."

-

-

"Ladies and gentlemen, the newcomer on the track has spread, wings. Yes, wings, and is now flying across the finish line and now is headed to the judges stand. Bill, I'm feeling a headache coming on, get me my aspirin powder. The race is over, and declared a no contest by the judges. This is Charles Wicket, letting you know that betting tickets will be refunded, and if you are listening to this on air, there will be more information from this station as soon as it's available."

Front Page Headlines

Alright Ditzellia, keep a cool head and look around, she thought to herself. You are clearly in a strange place, with a strange people, Whatever the case, that table says official on it, maybe they know what's going on. She flew up and over the dirt track, making her way to the place where the judges were, and couldn't help but cringe at the angry and shocked buzz from the crowd as she did so.

The person that stood and looked at her, probably male, for it had a rather fine looking mustache and clothing that suggested a gentlestallion of fairly important status. "Remarkable," he muttered in a baritone voice as he swiped his top hat down, exposing a balding mane line. "A flying equine. Never, have you ever men?"

The rest of the, men, all harrumphed and nodded in agreement that they'd never seen a sight like this. "Why, this horse is wearing goggles and can fly, this clearly isn't some kind of a prank. Someone check her over, maybe her owner had let her loose on the track."

"I don't have an owner," Derpy said with a frown. "But I am lost, can you tell me where I am?" The 'men' as they called themselves, seemed unflappable until the moment she had spoken. It was at that moment, that out of the half dozen people at the official's table, four of them had simply passed out. Including the one she was trying to talk to. "Humph, big help," she muttered before hovering down the line. "You, gentle...man," she said with a frown. "What is going on here?"

That was the last thing that was somewhat normal in this topsy turvy world. Everything in a moment, was a whir of flash bulbs, microphones and men carrying these things along with notepads as they rushed the area around her. The men in the suits had rushed her so closely that she couldn't escape, her wings had been forced in and she was grounded too quickly too be able to react properly.

No, please, oh Celestia, oh Luna, oh please! Let them go away, she thought to herself. "Stop," she muttered aloud, only to be even more tightly surrounded. The crowd was pressing down on her, yelling questions too quickly, shoving microphones in her face and blinding her with too many flashbulbs to count as her picture was taken enough times to make her feel sick from the strobing effect.

The last thing she said before fainting was "I just wanna go home."

Darkness swam around her, and the dream that came with her faint was a devoid of substance, and featured only the floating faces of the strange creatures that had surrounded her. Who knew for how long the dream was, hours or years. For her, it felt like an eternity before she awoke in a cold sweat.

The first thing she noticed was that wherever she was, contained a smell. Not too different than that of an outhouse. The odor was offensive to her nostrils, and she reacted with a groan as she adjusted herself. Where am I? She wondered to herself as she began to look around.

Her goggles had at some point during her leave of reality had disappeared, leaving her wall eyes exposed to the world to show her a double vision of everything. After taking a moment to look around, it didn't take her too long to discover that she was in some sort of a cell. Am I a prisoner, she idly thought to herself as she stood up. The floor she had been sleeping on was covered in hay, there was a closed door to her right, and a trough of water next to a bale of fresh hay.

She tried again to take a deep breath, only to gag. The smell of an outhouse mixed with hay and dirt was far too strong, and she nearly gagged when she saw that somepony had relieved themselves in a corner of her cell, who knows how long ago. "I've had enough of this," she muttered. "GUARD!" She shouted out, "GUARD! Let me out of here, I have rights!"

The sound of something shouting in surprise was followed quickly by a loud thump and groan of pain. Derpy stood upright and flared her wings with the best scowl she could manage on her face as the upper part of the split door opened before her. From out the sliver of a crack in the door, a small, dark face appeared. "Hello in there?"

"Yes, you," Derpy said with a commanding stance. "Guard, this prison cell isn't fit for anypony, I demand to speak with whoever is in charge here!"

The man that stood behind the door opened it the rest of the way. He was different than anyone else that she'd seen so far. Whereas the men that filled the stadium, at least the ones that she had briefly saw and talked to, were all light in color and had some sort of facial hair. This one was clean shaven and dark brown in color, and reminded her of a chocolate bar, or a cup of coffee with only the slightest amount of cream within.

Derpy looked him over, and frowned at his lack of uniform, other than what appeared to be a boiler suit. The other thing she noticed was the large hay fork he carried in one of his claws. "This room is a mess," Derpy said as she continued to glare at him. "Somepony has used the floor as a restroom!"

The man dropped his hay fork immediately and took a step back. "You do talk," he said in a mutter as he pulled out a handkerchief to wipe his brow. "Never, did I have a horse talk to me." He looked at Derpy with curriousity for a few moments of silence before leaning over the lower door.

"Thomas! What's going on in there?" the sound of another door closing not too far off alarmed Derpy slightly, and she quickly fanned her wings out and got in a defensive position. That's when she saw a portly and pale man enter the open half of the doorway and smile brightly. "Ah, she is awake. Thomas, you may go now." The darker man simply nodded before muttering "yes'sir," and shuffled off to find something else to occupy his time.

He smiled at Derpy and opened the door the rest of the way before holding a carrot out to her. "Come on out girl, I've got a nice carrot for you."

Derpy looked at him and wondered if he'd been kicked in the head recently. Finally after a few moments thought she gave a shrug with her wings and folded them in, but kept her stance low, as she exited the stable door. She walked passed the man and scrunched up her face in disgust. "What do you want me to do with a carrot?"

"Ah, you can talk. Uh, well. Um..." He looked at the carrot lamely and put it down in a small bin next to the door. "I'm not sure really, typical horses usually love it when I bring them a carrot or something."

Derpy looked at the man with a confused frown as she started to trot to the open door. "That's nice, now if you'll excuse me, I want to go home.

"Perhaps you would be more interested in this then?" The man shouted suddenly. Derpy turned around and saw that he was waiving a newspaper, and her picture was on the front page. "You made Ink yesterday, first time a flying horse ever appears out of thin air, not to mention interrupts one of America's greatest races," he said it with almost an air of disinterest as he looked at the paper himself. "And it says here that they want this strange flying pony should be in the re-race since the one she interrupted was declared a no contest."

Derpy stood still for a few moments in thought, and had come to a few rather quick conclusions, Alright, one, this guy is trying to get me to do what he wants. Two, it must be a Tuesday, everything weird seems to start on Tuesdays, three I'm in some kinda different world of some sort, and it probably was what that weird humming and lights was that I'd run into. Four, and most importantly, I'm sure that this is somehow Twilight's fault. She'll probably be able to bring me back to reality. "Alright, let's talk money."

"Straight from the horses mouth," the man said with a chuckle as he passed the paper down to her. "If you'll follow me to my office, we can begin."

After walking to a big house across the property, Ditzy Doo and the man, John Kent, quickly discussed how she was going to be in a race next week, and how she was an easy win, and could make a fortune for doing so. Scientists were brought into the room, along with a few members of the press, and despite the fact that she didn't really understand much of what was going on, she had played along with them anyway, but refused to sign anything, or even give her name to anyone.

For most ponies, or even people, how she acted would have seemed either very business savvy or just plain stupid. The way that she viewed it was that it didn't simply matter, because any minute now, Twilight or Princes Celestia or Luna even might come and save her from this crazy world where bald apes were the masters of the world.

Three hours later, it still wasn't the case as she was being shown a plush bedroom. Two more hours later it still wasn't the case as she flew circles over a dirt track as all the men that had been in the office earlier watched and made notes and timed her laps. Finally, after everything was set, and Derpy was well worn and tired out from the confusing day things began to fall together in her mind that she might be stuck there for a while longer than she wanted.

Finally, after being run ragged, and smiling for too many pictures and listening to men talking too much about how fantastic she was, Derpy was standing by Mister Kent, Thomas, the two men from the press, and the scientist that was still trying to figure out how she flew with such small wings. "Excuse me, Mister Kent?"

"Hmm, yes?" he said with mild interest as he turned away from the man from the committee that he was talking with. "What do you need?"

"I want to go to bed sir," Derpy said with a yawn. "I feel like my wings are gonna fall off."

"Oh, erm, yes," Kent said with a nervousness as the others stared at him. "Very good, why it is rather late isn't it?" Ditzy didn't say anything, but rather opted to stare at him blankly. "Yes, well, goodnight then miss."

Ditzy muttered a likewise statement before shutting the door and leaving Mr. Kent alone with the other men. "Well," one of them said as the group began to leave, "do you suppose that she'll be fit to race?"

"Naturally," Kent said with a smile, "the only thing we need to worry about now is if the judges will fall into the public's demand to include her in the race."

"Leave that to me," a shady looking man said in the back of the party as they headed for the front door. "The committee members have been frothing at the mouth to see what she's capable of ever since the first time she'd appeared. If anything, today has proven that she is a contender and not a guaranteed win or lose."

"Yes, but only if they bound up the wings," a scientist said with a frown. "She might be too good if we let her fly."

"Well it remains to be seen," John said with a smile.