Blogposts & Reviews

Knowing Your Audience

There are really only two kinds of writers in the world; those that write for their audience and those that write for themselves. Which, when you consider that said writer is a member of their own audience, means that there's really only one kind. So the first question that you, dear Prospective Writer, must ask yourself is just whose attention you're begging for.

If you're the sort of writer looking to enjoy the feeling of that keyboard under your fingers and the ability to write whatever you want, whenever you want it, then this blog isn't for you. You've already hooked your audience and have done an excellent job in meeting just about every whim and fancy that's ever crossed their mind. That audience, of course, being you. Give yourself a big fucking pat on the back, you wonderful narcissist you, and go back to doing whatever it is you do best. Probably masturbating in front of a mirror.

As for the rest of you, sit down, wipe that Cheeto dust off your crusty chin, and pay attention. There are a few things that I'll need to warn you of before you even start down the path of becoming a successful writer. The career of an author is a paying one if you do your shit right, and nobody pays for something they consider easy enough to do themselves.

-Prestige

First of all, I'd like to disillusion you of that thing you call 'prestige.' It's an intangible, abstract idea with a total calorie count of zero, so don't kid yourself into thinking it's worth something. If there's anything you shouldn't be writing for, it's prestige. This means that unless you're inherently wealthy and can afford to write for the snobby critics who'll still view your writing as garbage, pick a better audience. Half of them can't write worth a shit anyways, so why are you trying to impress them?

If you're in the other camp, however, sit your big, gelatinous booty in your nearest family-fun-sized chair and listen up. Nobody gives a flying fuck about what you think.

I've lost count of the number of times I've heard a prospective writer complain to me about how their magnum opus was bumped out of the feature queue by whatever trite comedy or banal piece of smut was flavor of the day. With a scrunched face that screams righteous indignation, they'd type up their three hundred page thesis on why their 'objectively' better story deserved to be read instead of the mainstream story that took its place.

I hate to break it to you, but that's not what the publishing world is about.