How to Date Anypony You Want (Except My Mother)

by neutralmilk

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 1225

Casaneighva teaches you how to wow any mare you want!

Let's face it. You've had some difficulty finding that Special Somepony. We all do at one point. Well, not everypony. I'm Casaneighva, Master of Mares. The amount of mares I've been with is enough to crumple your very brain. In this book, you'll find a variety of tips for finding and dating every and any mare you could possibly dream of!

Feedback from very satisfied customers:
*Comments in parenthesis are implied comments added by the author to prevent slander*

Princess Luna: "Tis a lie! Everything tis a lie! (Except my love for Casaneighva! Genius!)"
Rarity: "Oh, it. Is. On! (And by it, I mean you! Wink, wink!)"
Spike: "Eh, it was good. (And AMAZING!))"

There you have it! You'd be a fool NOT to buy and read this book!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-09 03:52:10 UTC

Chapter 1: The Mane-6

Chapter 1: The Mane-6

Everypony here in Equestria has had to have heard of The Elements of Harmony (or the Mane-6 as they are commonly called) at some point in their miserable lives. If you have not, then shame on you.

Because of their popularity, many a stallion (and mare) have attempted to saddle these feisty friends, but to no avail (Fig.1). They remain as single as… well… a single pony. If you too would like to try your luck on one of these gorgeous mares, then you’re quite lucky to have found, purchased (for a nominal fee of only $45!), and read this book!

“But why am I lucky, Casaneighva?” I hear you ask aloud. That is simple. I have dated the Mane-6. Oh yes, every one of them. And now it is my duty to help you do the same!

(Note: The author has not dated: Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, or Twilight Sparkle. Reports of him dating Rarity are also unreliable.)

FIG.1: Sexy AND single.

INTERESTS

In order to bag a mare of such potential, one must first learn the likes/ dislikes of each. Be sure not to screw this up, as this can easily lead to you: a) being rejected, b) becoming the laughingstock of Ponyville and all of Equestria, c) all of the above.

Oh silly Casaneighva! I know what INSERT MARE HERE’s interests are!

Oh really? While it is common knowledge that Rainbow Dash absolutely adores flying, do you know that her other favorite pastime is to act out soap operas? IN THE NUDE NO LESS?

…

I didn’t think so.

Here are several examples of how a conversation involving a mare’s (let’s use Applejack in this example) interests could work out:

1) “Hello Ms. Applejack, I couldn’t help but notice that you enjoy apple bucking! This is because I am a considerate stallion that shares the same interests!”

2) “Hey wassup? I know you like books so I bought you a book full of flying tips.”

3) “I am insensitive and therefore have no interest in learning about you. May we please do it?”

Take a minute and read them over carefully. Can you tell which two are miserable failures? Probably not. With the first example you’d already be half way to doing some “bucking” of your own! The latter two would more than likely end with your heart broken. And your face, if you were unlucky enough.

Anther useful tip is to pretend that you actually care about their interests. I know it sounds crazy, but if you tell Twilight Sparkle that you like books when, in fact, you cannot read even the simplest book (this one excluded from that list), you have a significantly higher chance of having your own “private study session” (literally or figuratively, depending on your interests).

COMPLIMENTS

In order to properly win over the mare of your dreams, it is essential that you compliment them almost incessantly and without thinking. I mean what mare wouldn’t want to hear you tell them that they have the hottest flank in town? Nopony.

Beginners may want to stick to compliments along those lines. Although, beginners should definitely not attempt to approach mares of this caliber. For the more experienced ponies out there, I have a patented and fool-proof system to compliment any mare you meet, even these especially hot unique ones.

Imagine this scene; you’re face to face with Rarity, easily the most beautiful mare in Equestria. You tell her how amazing she looks, she shies away to hide a blush. But now what?

Oh Casaneighva! Help me! I am but a humble reader with no knowledge of what to say!

The answer is simple! Weave in her interests (see section above) to your next compliment! Yes, I agree this goes against what most stallions have previously learned, but it does work. How else would I have gotten a chance to date every one of the Mane-6 in addition to the Royal Sisters (see next chapter)?

Now let’s see how the rest of the scene from earlier plays out if you’ve followed my directions (Fig. 2-3):

“You’re a dressmaker?” you ask Rarity.

She nods in reply, a smile on her face. “Why is it that you ask?”

“Well, it’s just that I find your gown absolutely wonderful! In fact, I’d love to see more of your work.”

“R-really? I’m so happy to have found a stallion so concerned with my interests that he has incorporated Cassaneighva’s patented plan of interweaving compliments and my interests into his dialogue! TAKE ME NOW!”

There you have it. While the conversation may not exactly end like that (more than likely ending with her inviting you to see more of her dresses), you still have scored a point in her heart. This makes it much easier for you to move in for the kill later!

FIG. 2: Rarity smiles? You’re doing it right.

FIG. 3: You’d best get out of there and let somepony else give it a shot, loser.

COMPATABILITY:

Oh this I easy, Casaneighva! I know I’m compatible with INSERT MARE HERE! Her and I are so much alike!

Oh really? Well then why are you reading this book? Exactly.

Fun science fact! Over 90% of stallions who claim to know how compatible they are with a mare are dead wrong. DEAD WRONG.

That fact aside, the majority of you feel a certain connection with one of the Mane-6, otherwise you would avoid this chapter entirely. But just because you love to party, it doesn’t mean Pinkie Pie is your destined damsel. If you still enjoy intellectual conversations or relaxing evenings, than a life with Pinkie Pie may be a nightmare (Fig. 4)!

FIG. 4: Don’t let this (above)

Become this (below)!

To ensure a workable relationship with one of the Mane-6, you may first want to match up your physical attributes, i.e. are you a unicorn, pegasus or earth pony. It is highly recommended that you choose a mare that is similar to you so that you have something to talk about that isn’t their interests. (Note: while it’s good for a first date, this can get very boring.)

It is a well-known fact that Rainbow Dash would only date a pegasus; especially one that can keep up with her in a race (or in bed, that fiery vixen!). Other ponies, such as Applejack and Pinkie Pie, are a lot simpler to please. Researchers (stalkers) have been unable to properly distinguish the ideal physique of a stallion for the remaining Elements of Harmony.

CONCLUSION:

What have we learned! First, consider your COMPATIBILITY with each of the Mane-6, trying to match your physique with their ideal stallion’s. Next, make your first move! Find out her INTERESTS and take an active part in conversing about them and (in many cases) pretending you have similar interests. That way, she thinks you’re someone she can relate to.

Finally, you gotta COMPLIMENT her. And quite a bit at that. For regular mares, simple “you’re hot” compliments can get you a one way ticket to their hearts, but when it comes to more prime game (i.e. the Mane-6), you gotta use you’re a-Game. Try to weave in their interests into your compliments and you’re almost 40% guaranteed to be dating one of the Mane-6 in no time!