the adventures of one punch man

by onepunchman

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Random, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Nightmare Moon, Princess Cadance
Length: 15791

just an average guy who serves as an average hero

while going about his routine saitama gets sent to equestria (is that whats its called?) and basically ruins the entire plot line. so yeah.

Published 2015-12-31 08:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-16 21:17:17 UTC

chapter 1 the hero arrives

The hero arrives
In a world of magical lesbian ponies there exist some evils that not even gay pride beams can stop a hero will rise, but not out of a sense of justice this man is a hero for fun.

Saitama was just busy making his rounds in city Z he became class S rank one after his most recent fight, putting all the other hero’s to shame. Genos had achieved rank 3 but he could not surpass blast who was formally rank one.
Saitama was about to return to his apartment as something and grabbed him and threw him into a building. As he waited for the next attack he contemplated what day it was, it was Saturday; sale day. He jumped to his feet but just as he was about to run to the store he fell into a hole that appeared where he once stood.

Equestria: lyra pov

All was well today in ponyville, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, a human was falling out of the sky and the town wasn’t on fire… wait what. Back up a human just fell out of the sky and landed in town square.
Now as the only pony who believes in humans your more than happy to run full speed towards the smoking crater. As you approached the human stepped out of the crater mumbling something about dirt in its special place.

“Hello what is your name human?” you ask it.

“huh, oh you can talk that’s weird” it says with enough boredom to fill a room. “my name is saitama and I’m a professional hero as of a few weeks ago.”

“nice to meet you, my name is lyra heartstrings could you come back to my house for a little bit, I need to ask you some questions.” You ask.

“no that’s weird, your weird.” He says almost taken aback by your request “ where am I, this isn’t city Z and that’s the last place I remember.”
You don’t know what a city z is but you are going to help him get back “your in equestrian, more specifically ponyville.”
He rubbed his chin with his hand and said “are there any villains here?”
Why would he want to know that, is he planning on fighting them? “no but there are some scary monsters in that forest over there.” You turn your head and point to the forest but when you turn back its gone. “That’s weird I wonder if he can teleport?”

Everfree forest: saitama pov

Nothing in this forest could put up a fight, already you have killed a strange scorpion tiger, a fruity river dragon, and a hydra. All. In. one. Fucking. Punch. So he decided to head back to the town and get some food or money to buy food, either way he was hungry.
On his way back to town he decided to take trophies off of the corpses of the monsters, maybe they had bounties he could cash in on. In the end he had a purple scale a scorpion tale and hydra spike. Little did he know that these items would only sully his reputation in among the inhabitants.

Upon arrival a pink pony appeared in front of him faster than he could react, that was bad.

“Oh a new pony is in town, but I guess you’re not a pony are you? What are you some kind of hairless monkey?!” she asked but before he could answer she started up again “who cares about all of that anyway I can’t wait to throw you a party!” a party meant food, he liked food.

“What time should I be there?” he asked with no real interest.

“7 o’clock sharp” she said before running off.

“Those things are weird.” Our hero said before walking towards the smell of food.

Food stall: food stall guy pov

It was a long day and you were just about to get off work when a strange creature sat down in an empty stool, nopony else was eating right now so it was just you and him.

“h-hello sir would you like a menu?” you asked somewhat nervous at this creature’s appearance.

“Sure but I should warn you, I probably don’t have any money from this area so will this do as payment?” he said as he placed a river serpent scale on the counter.
The only thing running through your mind was how did he get something so valuable and why was he offering it for food.

“Sure but that scale is too valuable to give you change for it, so how about you can eat free here anytime you want?” you said. It wasn’t a lie because that scale could pay for a whole new restaurant and a lifetime supply of bits.

“That’s sounds great so I won’t question it.” He said. He reads over the menu and ordered a sandwich without the flowers.
“coming right up” I said and started making his sandwich, all the while other ponies began to slowly crowd around the stall trying to observe him.

“Isn’t that the thing that fell out of the sky today?” a mare asked somepony

“Yeah I think it is, why is it still here?” another replied.

“I don’t know maybe it want to eat us?” a rainbow haired mare said.

“Leave him alone It probably just wants to eat in peace!” A mint colored mare yelled at the crowd.

“Who cares its clearly some freak with no fashion sense.” A white mare that reminded saitama of marshmallow.

I passed him his sandwich and he started eating it with gusto. Then all of a sudden a rotten tomato was thrown at him. It smeared all over his suit and probably stained it. He set his sandwich down and stood up and began to yell.

“What the fuck is wrong with all of you, I just came here to eat some goddamn food and you fuckers had to ruin it and my suit. This is a one of a kind suit you know!” his fist was raised into the air as if preparing to attack the crowd. But before he could lower his hand the crowd began to throw things at him and some of them were pushing him against the stall.
I was stunned, what could he do, on one hoof he didn’t want to hurt the creature but on the other one he does look really scary. So he closed the flap on his shop and just went home.

Saitama pov

These bastards, they ruined my suit and they had to pay. But first I’m going to finish my sandwich. I grabbed the sandwich and ate the rest in a single heroic bite.

“Now who is gonna pay me for my god damn suit?!” nobody stepped up. “Fine but if anybody ask I’m saying the freaks from ponyville did this to me!” I yelled and stomped off angrily into some nicer looking woods, out of the corner of my eye I saw a golden chariot come down from the sky in town.

“Probably nothing.” I said to myself. As I walked into the forest.

Lyra pov

“Those jerks, making him mad for no good reason and causing him to run off like that” you say to yourself. He looked like he was heading to white tail woods so she should be able to find him before dark.
After a about an hour of searching you just can’t seem to find him so you decide to head back for the night because it’s gotten dark but just as you turn around you spot multiple pairs of yellow eyes moving towards you. Timberwolves never go into whitetail woods, it’s the only place that isn’t effected by the everfree. The Timberwolves move forward and you book it towards ponyville, you know you’re not fast enough but maybe if you draw attention to yourself somepony can save you.

Saitama pov again

This sucks you’re lost and your suit is still ruined. You ran into the forest to avoid the ponies but it’s gotten dark and now you don’t know what to do. So you decided to try and find a way back to that little village and sleep in an alley or something. You stop at a clearing to contemplate what you should do but before you can do anything you hear a shrill scream in the distance accompanied by bright green flares.
You break into a sprint and before you know it your in another clearing with a pony and some weird wolf creatures. The pony seems relieved that someone came to its aid (was it a girl or a boy, it’s hard to tell) and took a defensive stance.

“Don’t worry I got this just stay behind me.” You say heroically. The wolves make their move but they are no match for your normal consecutive punches and are wiped away immediately, along with part of the forest behind them.

“Wow your strong, I’ve never seen anypony do anything like that before.” She exclaimed.

“That’s because I’m not a po- what time is it?” you ask suddenly remembering an invite to a party.

“I think it’s about 6:30pm why?” she asked
Shit you might be late now. “a pink thing told me to meet her at 7oclock sharp, something about a party.” You pause to clean dirt out of your special place. “do you know where I could find her?”

“Oh you mean pinkie pie, yeah just look for the building in town that’s looks like a gingerbread house ok?”

“Yeah, thanks I don’t want to be late.” I said as I began walking towards town.
After a while of walking through the town started realizing that these ponies were either very poor or very far behind on technology, probably both. I finally found the building mentioned by the green pony and knocked on the door. A somewhat tall lanky yellow guy opened the door and said to come in.

“So how do you know who I am?” I asked the guy

“pinkie told us about you, and to tell you your party isn’t here but in the big tree near the center of town.” He said pointing his hoof at the window.

“Oh, ok well I’ll be going now.”

“Come back soon and buy lots of cakes!” a female voice said from the back room.

“You got it” I said as I walked out.
Walking towards the tree he pointed at I could see that the lights were on and the dull beat of music. I walked up to the door and opened it. Immediately confetti and streamers assaulted my vision.

“WELOCOME TO PONYVILLE!” the pink one screamed into my ears. “What’s your name!” she said while bouncing.

“I’m saitama, saitama the hero.” I said taking a stance.

“Wow we don’t get many heroes in town these days that’s great.” She said and walked off to the party.
I looked up at the banner and it said super double welcome to ponyville party. So I turned to someone and asked them “hey is anyone else supposed to be here?” they turned around and jumped back but once they realized I was harmless she said.

“Yeah but she is cooped up in her room and won’t leave.”

“Shame, but parties aren’t for everyone I guess.” I said and started to eat some of the food left on the table.
Sometime later
The party was starting to wind down and the ponies were talking about some kind of celebration so I followed a few of them to what seemed like a town hall but was just a big room with a stage on it. After waiting for a while the started talking about some princess named celestia and how she was going to raise the sun. I thought that was crazy buy maybe in the universe there are some creatures that can put up a fight. The thought excited me.

“And now, welcome princess celestia!” a curtain opened up and nothing was there.
I whispered to a purple pony standing near me “hey is it invisible?”

“No I don’t know what’s happening but it can’t be good” she said.

“Ok, if you need help my name is saitama, the hero.” I said raising a fist heroically.

“Thanks but I don’t think I’ll need help.” She said with a matter of fact tone.
After some minor panic the purple on ran back to her tree fort and a blue one with wings followed her. I decided to follow her too who knows maybe ill get to fight a villain.
So after trailing them back to the house I saw a few other ponies inside now talking about a castle in the woods and how gay pride was the only way to stop the spooky night time.
I went back to the bakery and asked them about the castle, they seem hesitant at first and then told me where I could find it. I took a different path that the one she gave me because she said everything else it to dangerous. I want to know what it feels like to be in danger again. I encountered another manticore and obliterated it. Much to my dismay these things weren’t stronger than your average purse snatcher.

Twilight pov

We started making out journey through the everfree forest and after almost falling to our death we found a manticore corpse with a massive hole in its chest nearly separating it from its lower body it died recently but animals were already feasting on its corpse.

“What could have happened, im sure he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone” fluttershy said as she shed a small tear for dead creature.

“I don’t know but whatever it is was really strong.” Applejack said “nopony could have done that to a manticore, now even mah brother with his legs.”

“Let’s just move on everypony” twilight said wanting to get away from the corpse.
A few moments later they encountered a river with a slight red tint to it.

“You think its poisoned twilight?” rainbow asked with concern.

“No, look up stream” i pointed towards a purple scaly figure stretched from one side of the river to the other. It was some kind of river monster but it had the same holes in it same as the manticore, only they were bigger and there were more of them.

“The poor creature, its scales were so shiny as well.” Rarity said. Upon further inspection she realized that only a single scale was missing from it body. “Hey, didn’t that tall ruffian have a purple scale earlier today?”

“I think your right rarity, maybe he did this.” Rainbow said examining the body from above.

“How could he have done anything like this, it just doesn’t make sense.” i said rubbing my temple.

“Well whatever happened we have a bridge across now so let’s just go already.” Applejack said and began to walk over it.
After a few more minutes of walking we found the castle and a rickety bridge. We began to cross it when we noticed flashes up purple like from the castle, so we got across as fast as possible and ran in. it took a few flights of stairs and hallways but we finally found the throne room and what we saw made our draws drop and our hearts stop.
The naked ape in the costume was being bathed in dark magic from nightmare moon, damaging the area behind him, but he didn’t look hurt at all.

Saitama pov

Im not sure who this pony is but she is way bigger than the other ones, more like a horse really. But before I could talk to her she shot black energy stuff at me. It didn’t really do much but I couldn’t say anything because it was too loud.

“foolish creature, trying to challenge the great nightmare moon in her own castle will be your last mist- wait why aren’t you dead yet?!” she angrily screamed and stopped her assault for a moment.
This is my chance “because you didn’t hit me hard enough that’s why” wait what did I just say im trying to talk to it not incite it.

“YOU INSOLETE BEING!” she roared and began her assault once more, this time using more energy and damaging the area around me. I checked my suit to make sure it wasn’t being burned off because that would be bad and it was fine, only now the stain was gone. I was very happy, in the process of trying to kill she cleaned my suit.
I walked out of the beam and said “thanks for cleaning my suit, I didn’t think that stain would come out.” Just as I said that she began shooting be again and the ponies who went Into the forest finally arrived.

“Saitama are you ok?!” pinkie exclaimed.

“Yeah this is nothing, she doesn’t even hold a candle to boros.” I said.

“How are you not being hurt by her magic?!” twilight said behind her shield.

“its pretty weak so that probably helps.” As I said that the magic stopped and I looked back at the spooky horse. “So are you done being evil now, I want to leave, I got more dirt in my special place” I said pointed towards my belt buckle.

“NOT BY A LONG SH-“ was the last thing she said as a giant hole appeared in her chest, coating the wall with blood a viscera.

“I didn’t want to do that because I knew you weren’t even close to strong, even mumen rider could have beaten you.” I said to nobody, meanwhile the ponies standing near the stares had passed out for some reason and a new whit horse was walking through a door. She stopped upon seeing the corpse of nightmare moon.

“What did you do to her?” she asked in a deadpan voice.

“I punched her, she was being evil and stuff so it was the only choice I had.” I said. Her mane began to change colors from gross pastel colors to bright fire.

“You cannot be forgiven, now turn to ash!” she yelled and fired a beam of nuclear fire out of her horn at me. I easily sidestepped It and said.

“Wow that could have messed up my suit, please stop doing that you’re burning the forest.” Meanwhile the other ponies had got up and grouped up around twilight's shield. It was the only thing keep them alive in the firestorm.

“Please stop doing that you’re going to hurt those poor ponies over there, it looks like the purple ones shield is about give doesn’t it?”
This seems to have calmed her down to the point where she is now sobbing on the floor apologizing to someone named Luna. Who was Luna, I don’t think it was the spooky horse that was calling herself nightmare moon.

“Listen I don’t know what I did but im sorry is there anything I can do to help you?” I asked slowly inching towards her.

“There is only one thing you could do for me.” She said.

“Yes what is it?” I asked standing in front of her now.

“Since the elements were not activated at this time they will forever be useless, so you need to protect equestria with your power in their place.” She said looking at some stone balls near the throne.

“Do I get paid?” I asked

“You can have anything you want, just please don’t hurt any of my citizens.” She said tears still streaming down her face.

“Ok sounds like a deal” I extended my arm to give her a handshake but realized she has no hands

“I’m familiar with that greeting” she said and shook my hand with her hoof.

“So what were these elements of gay pride or whatever you called them?"

Author's Note

this is literally shit posting, its not ironic and its not funny. but im probably gonna b8 so many of you horsefuckers in here. i haven't even seen the show i just thought this might cause a few keks. (side not) it took an entire day for the mods to make a point about the way i spaced the paragraphs. anyone but me could have realized that word dosent format for spacing when you copy and past shit.

the hero finds a home and pays the rent.

The hero looks for a home and tries to pay the rent

Saitama pov

After the whole thing with the spooky horse saitama had found a nice alley to sleep in, but he knew that he couldn’t live here forever. So he decided that worrying was for tomorrow’s self he went to sleep on his pile of boxes.
Homeless shelter guy pov

As I was making my nightly rounds he noticed a pair of red boots protruding from an alley, upon further inspection he saw it was the guy who stopped nightmare moon albeit with unorthodox means. He poked the strange creature a couple of times and he jumped to his feet ready to fight.

“Who are you?” he asked then exclaimed “I’m trying to sleep.

You were shocked but remained on your hooves. “I’m homeless shelter guy” you say “I noticed you don’t seem to have living arrangements right now so I thought you might like to stay a night or two down at the shelter, that I own hence the name” you said as you thought about how your parents cursed you to an unpaying career.

“Sure that sounds nice” he says “point the way.”

“Just follow me and we’ll be there in a few minutes.” You say.

After a few minutes you arrive at the shelter but before you open the door you turn and say “now foul creature its time I put you in your place.”

Saitama pov

We arrived at his shelter but right before he let me in he pulled knife from somewhere and jumped me, I hope he lived. I walked into the shelter and another guy was in there.

“Hey I heard this was shelter?” I said

“Sweet celestia are you ok, a strange stallion has been luring homeless ponies here and killing them right in front of my door!” he said getting out of his chair to inspect me.

“No its fine, actually he should still be outside, is there anyone you can contact like a hospital or something maybe the morgue would be better though.” I said.

“Well, let’s just leave him out there he was killing ponies anyway.” He said. “So are you looking for a room or just stopping by.” He asked.

“Sure a room would be nice are there any open?”

“Heck yeah there are, most of the time I don’t see anypony, damn welfare system is so good anypony can get back on their hooves.” He said “unless your name is homeless bum.”

That confused you somewhat but you decided to follow him towards one of the rooms. Upon entering the room he found that it had a window, bed, a fridge, a stove, and even a separate a bathroom.

“Damn” you mutter

“What’s wrong, I’ve got bigger rooms if you want?” he said

“No, this is fine.” I said “actually, would you mind if I paid rent when I can and just live here, it’s really nice.”

“I mean sure I can charge rent but are you sure this is fine for you, it doesn’t even have a separate kitchen.”

“That’s fine, it’s about the size of my apartment from home so that’s nice.” I said

“Well I’ll see you in the morning, you can start paying rent at the end of the month.”

“Cool” I said as he left and I shut the door behind him and falling onto the bed.

The next day

Still saitama

I woke up at around 8am and left my room, the guy didn’t give me a key but it’s not like I had anything to steal yet. I began walking towards what look like a market and ponies doing things. As I approached many of them ran inside of their houses others just hid behind stalls. So I went up to the closest one, a white pony with pink and green hair.

“Hey do you need any work done, or do you know where I can find some?” I asked the nervous mare.

“n-no but you could check with the ponies at sweet apple acers, they always seem to need some help” she said and point towards some kind of orchard.

“Ok thanks I’ll go do that.” I said and began a brisk walk towards the orchard, seconds later I arrived. After a few minutes of walking around the orchard I found the orange mare from last night.

“Hey I hate to be a bother but is there any work I can do?” I asked.

She jumped at first and said “oh, it’s you ah guess I can find something for you to do follow me” she said

I followed her for a while and she pointed towards some trees and said “ok so all you need to do is get all the apples in those trees into those buckets, I use my legs but you’ll probably need to do something different.”

“Ok sounds easy enough, what should I do after I get the apples down?” I asked her while looking towards the trees.”

“Just bring the apples back to the barn I’ll take care of it later.” She said and walked off.

I went up to the nearest tree and gave it a small punch. All the apples immediately fell into the baskets and.

“Well that was easy, looks like this won’t take long.” I said and punched a bunch of trees filling buckets quickly.

Applejack pov

That weird creature came and asked for work so I told him to fill up half the orchards buckets, he should get tired and leave. Soon after leaving him alone I began hearing booms from where I left him.

“Darnit what is that thing doing now?” I said and galloped back to the orchard. What I saw took my breath away, the strange creature was flashing from tree to tree hitting them and filling buckets faster than anypony could hope to fill.” I ran towards him and tried to get his attention.

“Hey what are ya doing?” I shouted to him. He stopped and jogged over to me.

“What, am I not doing my job fast enough I’m sorry?” He asked

“Too fast, TOO FAST! You just did a month’s worth of work in five minutes, now I have to re arrange the work schedule so I have something to do between now and cider season so the farm doesn’t lose money!”

“Oh, I’m sorry I’ll just go but I do kinda need rent money.” He said

“Fine! Wait here I’ll be back in five minutes!” I yelled at him.

Saitama pov

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the orange pony orange pony got mad and ran off when I asked for money. But while she was gone I moved the rest of the apples to the barn and waited another few minuet’s until shit got back.

“Here, take your bits and leave!” she threw a grocery bag sized sack of coins at me.

“Ok, bye have a nice day” I said and walked off. On my way back home I noticed some kind of flying lion thing arguing on a cloud with the rainbow Pegasus on some clouds, after a while the lion thing got violent and punched the Pegasus in the face. So I decided to intervene a little bit.

Gilda pov

“That’s what you get for hanging me out to dry you rainbow haired cu- what the hell are you?!” I looked up and saw a strange creature in a yellow suit.

“It doesn’t look like your being very nice to her, why did you hit her?” he asks with a deadpan look.

“It’s none of your business freak, now if you’ll excuse me!” I exclaimed as I drove a talon into rainbows stomach. Rainbow lurched forward and clutched to the now bleeding wound. “So why don’t you leave and let this traitor bleed out, freak.” I said and began to fly off. But something kept from flying. This ape wouldn’t let go of my tail

“I can’t let you leave, not after that.” He said “because I am a professional hero and I can’t let you harm someone else for any reason.”

“Oh yeah how are you gonna stop me!” I said and lunged at him, before I knew it I didn’t have a lower body anymore.

“You shouldn’t have done that” were the last words I heard before falling to the ground.

Rainbow pov

It hurt so bad, I can’t believe she actually stabbed you. At first you thought saitama (was that his name) was gonna leave you like he said but you soon realized that he had picked you up and was now running towards the hospital.

“Thanks” was all you could manage before passing out.

Desk worker pov

It’s not often rainbow comes in for an injury but nothing like this, heck it’s been a long time since you’ve seen anypony lose this much blood and still be alive. The creature carrying her told me about a griffon that attacked her, he told me the general direction and I sent one of my staff to the guard post to tell them about what happened and to get rid of the body. Poor thing is gonna need to go into questioning after this because of what he did.

“Hey can I leave now, or do you guys need me?” he asked. We probably wouldn’t for about a day so I got his address and told him he could leave.

Saitama pov

He didn’t want to kill the griffon (he knew what it was called now) but she lunged at him and he had no choice how was he supposed to know she couldn’t take a hit. But all is said and done so he went to go see his landlord about how much rent would be.

After a few minutes of walking I passed by the cakes where I heard someone call my name.

“Hey saitama can you come here for a second?” it was pinkie.

“Hey pinkie, thanks for the party last night.” I said

“Oh it was my pleasure but can you help the cakes and I move some on these boxes, the stallion who helps with the lifting isn’t here today.” She told me

“Does it pay?” I asked

“Yeah, I’m sure we can set you up with some money so follow me please.” She said.

I followed her into the bakery and she seemed to have gone into the basement so I followed her. Once I finally got down the tiny staircase I saw a room covered in dried red stuff and strange equipment all over. One piece looked like it was a torture device.

“So what do you need moved pinkie?” I asked

“Just this stack of boxes please” she pointed towards some large boxes. “Just bring them upstairs and take a right and put them in the room at the end of the hall.”

“Ok sounds good.” I said.

This time I decided to take the work slowly but I was still going pretty fast so I would be done really soon. After a few minutes the last crate was in the room and pinkie had paid me about twenty coins (bits I think) and I left.

Once I arrived a met with my land lord who told me rent would twenty bits a month. I told him that was fine and went to my room. After sorting out the money I found that the orange pony gave me nearly 300 bits and that I was set on cash for a while.

So I left to go buy groceries and other things to make my apartment seem like home

Book store guy pov

Well it was a good run but nobody wanted to buy these backwards comics from japony. Maybe the stories didn’t interest them or they didn’t like the format, but I didn’t lose that much money so it’s cool. I heard the door open so I made my way into front room of the shop to greet the customer only to find that strange creature looking around my shop.
I tried to be calm but It was kinda hard with a giant crouched in your store. “h- hello what can I do for you today?” I stutter.

“Yeah I was wondering if you had any comics, but they don’t read like normal comics that read from right to left and there about half an inch thick.” He said

Sweet celestia somepony finally came to buy them. “You sure bet, I was just about to send them back to japony because nopony wants them here.” I said “let me go get them.” I said and left him to do whatever.

A moment later I came back with the books and hoofed him the box. “Most of these are the first or second book in a series so you don’t accidentally read another one too far ahead.”

“How much do I owe you for these?” he asked

“How about twenty bits for all of them?” I said

“Sure that seems like a good deal, and can you order the next ones in each series I’ll probably buy them when I finish these.”

Wow he likes these books and he wants me to order more, I wonder how much money I’ll be able to make off of him?

He hands me the bits and leaves with the box.

Saitama pov

I don’t know if I got ripped off or not but I can’t believe they have manga here, so I bought all of them. After going back home to drop the books off I decided to get a shelf and some food.

On my way out I checked with landlord bro to see if I could buy a shelf and he said it was fine.
So I went back to the market and found a nice shelf that could hold way more books then I had now for only fifteen bits. Also I looked around for groceries and didn’t find a lot that I liked but I did get some noodles soup stock and tea, so that would be fine for now.

Fast forward to rent day

It was rent day but for once I didn’t have to worry about selling by bed to pay rent this time. I passed of the bits and headed out for patrol. When I got outside I noticed a trail of black smoke coming from a mountain.

“Huh didn’t know they had volcanoes near here?” I said to nobody but someone answered.

“It’s not a volcano is a sleeping dragon and that smoke is going to block out equestrias sky if it’s not stopped.” The purple mare said.

“So all I need to do is stop the dragon right?” I asked her.

“Sounds simple when you say it but you can’t fight a dragon!” she exclaimed almost like she knew everything.

“Well I’ll be back in about an hour, you want me to bring anything back as proof? You live in the tree right?” I asked her

“Whatever, bring me back a scale or something I don’t care.” She said and walked off.

She seemed like she was in a bad mood, whatever though I’m gonna go stop this dragon dude.

At the dragons cave: saitama.

After a while I finally got to the cave and walked in, and there was indeed a sleeping dragon. I prepared myself for a fight but first I wanted to try and talk him down. So poked him until he woke up.

“What are you doing in my cave creature?” he said with a booming voice.

“I just wanted to let you know that you’re disturbing the people who live in the next town, so can you sleep somewhere else please?”

“You think you can order me around? What is in it for me?” asked his voice rising slightly.

“I won’t have to fight you because that would be bad for your health.” I told him

Before I could react he unleashed a breath attack and went back to sleep without realizing I wasn’t hurt. I poked him again and he seemed shocked that I wasn’t hurt.

“How did you survive that without magic?!” he said in a low roar.

“Because it was weak, now can you please sleep somewhere else? I asked for the last time.

“That’s it your dead!” his voice had risen above the launch of a space shuttle at this point and I was getting a headache. He took a swipe at me and I jumped into range of his chest and said.

“Normal punch.” And the dragon no longer has a chest, as well as the mountain he was in now has a giant hole in it.

Canterlot guard pov.

You were doing patrols on the outer edge of the city while looking in the distance, you then noticed a massive hole had appeared in a mountain near ponyville along with what looked like a spray of red mist heading towards Canterlot. You quickly duck for cover as it hits and most of the lower city is covered in blood.

You don’t know what happened but you do know one thing, it’s time to turn in your resignation form.

Saitama pov

Well the dragon was dead and you had some scales to bring back the purple horse. Only thing left was to look for sick loot, of which you found nothing you needed. Some ancient looking artifacts mountains of gold an- wait that table looks cool. So you take the scales and the table back from the mountain. You drop the table off while swapping the one you currently had and putting it into the storage land lord guy said you could use.

Then you took the scales to the library tree and gave them to the purple pony (you really should learn their names so you can communicate with them better.

But after all was said and done you made some soup and went to bed.

Some large amount of time later

You woke up one day and looked out of your window only to see a swarm of Technicolor fuzz. At first you were confused then you realized you could hear muffled panic. So you jumped into your suit and ran out. Before you could do anything you were rushed by the fuzz but they soon left after eating all the food in your apartment that you paid for.

“GOD DAMN FREELOADERS!” you yell and immediately began punching clusters of these things into oblivion. After a while they thinned out and you found twilight using her crazy magic to burn them.

“Twilight I need you use your magic to bundle them all up, so I can punch them.” I yelled through the noise.

“Why should I help you?!” she had to yell through the storm of fuzz.

“You can go back to studying if you do it!” I yelled. After a moment all of the things stopped and began to converge in a single cluster. Once it seemed complete you leaped into the air and made the ball disappear. With only a single punch.

“Damnit why can’t anything take a hit here?” you ask to nobody and go back home disappointed.

Author's Note

hey, im gonna need an editor for this trash so if you want to edit shitpost pm me.

chapter 3 infinite power infinite boredom

chapter 3 infinite power infinite boredom

Chapter three infinite power, infinite boredom

Saitama pov

Things had calmed down in ponyville sadly, no monsters had attacked and my monthly check from the crown felt undeserved. But whatever if she was gonna send me 500 bits a month then so be it, I also found out 500 bits a month is insane. I could probably live off that for six months if I was careful.

Now he needed something to quell his boredom, he can’t just go around fighting people and training has no value these days. So he decided to talk to twilight about finding something to do.

“so your telling me that your bored and you want to have a practice duel with me?” she said flabbergasted. “I don’t have time for that I’m busy studying.

“Oh come on it might be fun, you must get bored staying in that tree all day and you probably need some exercise.” I said.

“If I do this stupid duel will you leave me alone?” she asked.

“sure.” I responded.

“Ok fine, ask princess celestia if she can send down an official duel referee, I would hate to injury this stallion.” She said giving me a cocky grin.

“When should I expect the duel to happen?” I asked her while she began pulling out hundreds of books at one time and trapping herself in a ball of books.

“Tonight probably.” Came a muffled voice from the ball.
So I left her to do her thing already feeling excited about the duel already.
After walking around and doing nothing I decided to read more manga.

Twilight pov

That hairless ape challenged princess celestias prodigy to a duel, there is no way you can lose to him twilight. Sure he defeated nightmare moon and a dragon but you could do all those things blind folded. You were wildly researching combat spells against bipedal creatures, mostly ice and lightning spells.
Spike got the letter back and began to read it out loud.

“Dear twilight, even though I disagree with this duel I will come referee it myself just so nopony gets hurt.” He finished reading.

“how could she disagree, im her only pupil and one of the best magic users in Canterlot, its not like he could do anything to fight back!”

“Twilight you do remember the part where he killed nightmare moon, in one hit?” spike said

“Well yeah but she must have been week after her imprisonment, no way he could have killed her if she was at full strength.” She said.

“Whatever” spike said and walked off.

Saitama pov

While you were reading a manga that reminded you of one you read as a kid you heard a knock at your door. It was the landlord and he brought twilights purple dragon. It was pretty dark so you figured it was time for the duel.

“Hey saitama, it’s time to for the duel” the dragon said.

“Ok cool.” I set my manga down and followed him out the door locking it behind me.

“I wanted to let you know saitama but the betting odds aren’t in your favor.” He said as we walked

“That’s cool, more to win I guess.” I told him

“You know contestants can’t bet right?” he said to me.

“Crap, well who are you betting on?” I asked

“You of course, your strong” he said “way stronger than twilight could hope to be anymore.”

“what’s that supposed to mean, what happened to her?”

“Well I secretly write to celestia about twilights mental state so we keep in touch, anyway celestia had planed to activate the elements of harmony use twilight and those other ponies but your arrival kinda messed up her plan.”

“Oh well, it’s not like I can’t do whatever they did.” I said

“Are you sure you can beat anypony that comes your way?” he looked up to me with a nervous look

“Yeah don’t worry about that, back home I could defeat any enemy with a single punch.” I looked up at the sky “I even defeated an alien invader not too long ago.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yeah he was a pretty strong guy, Hey I’m gonna be right back” I said and ran back to the apartment and grabbed a bag full of bits and caught up to spike. “Can you add this to your bet, then we can split the winnings” I told him

“Sure I’ll do it, but since you can’t enter were gonna split it 50/50 no matter how much is in here.”

“That sounds fair to me.” I said as we approached a large quickly built arena. “So how often does a duel happen around here?” I asked him and we went in.

“Duels rarely happen even in Canterlot, it seems to hurt your statues when you fight somepony.” He answered.

“Well that makes sense but I don’t care about that, I’m just bored. Anyway you got take your seat and I’ll make your rich.” I said and walked over to the empty bench on the side opposite to twilight.

A booming voice silenced the crowd “citizens of equestria! Welcome to the first really magic duel in decades, in the first corner twilight sparkle the prodigy of princess celestia herself!” the crowd cheered and a few boos were heard but twilight didn’t seem to care about that. “And in the second corner, the stallion who defeated nightmare moon and saved all of equestria saitama the hero!” I mostly got boos but a few ponies cheered me on.

A bright flash and celestia appeared between me and twilight. “Now do I need to go over the rules?” celestia said.

“Yeah that would be cool.” I told her.

“Rule number one, no lethal spells, this includes spells of such a magnitude they could severely injure the crowd or the contestant.”

“Rule number two, do not use your horns to impale one another.” I nodded even though these didn’t apply to me at all. “And for this match a special rule will be in place on saitama only” I looked at twilight who seemed pleased with what celestia said. “Rule number three, saitama do not kill my disciple no matter what she throws at you.” She glared at me and twilight seemed offended.

“Now when I give the signal you may begin” celestia said.

“I’m going to turn you into paste!” twilight said just out of ear shot of celestia.

“NOW BEGIN!” she yelled.

Immediately twilight unleashed a hail of spells on to me, clearly not caring about who or what was behind me because if celestia hadn’t thrown up a shield at the last second the crowd would be dead. Her onslaught didn’t last long but damn it did damage to everything but me.
I looked over to celestia who was massaging her temple at the poor display.

“Winner by disqualification is, SAITAMA!” celestia called out to the crowd.

“w- What why, why would you do that celestia!” twilight cried out.

“Because you used force that would have killed half the crowd behind him, and you failed to even scratch your opponent, he clearly out powers you by astronomical numbers.”

The crowd went wild, ponies demanding money back and proof of how strong I am. Celestia said she could prove how strong I was.
She whispered into my ear. “Ok I’m going to throw you at the moon, when you come back land somewhere in the forest or outside of the arena I wouldn’t want anypony to get hurt.” I nodded even though I really didn’t like going to the moon.

So she threw me at the moon and as I was flying towards the rock I noticed a large metal object moving ever so slowly towards the planet. But before I could get a better look I hit the moon, after getting up I could see that it was indeed a ship. It looked familiar. So I made my jump back, bursting through the atmosphere lighting up the dark sky and landing just outside of town. I walked back towards the arena to see the crowd shell-shocked by the display.

I whispered to celestia “we have a problem, there are aliens coming.” I told her.

“I know that’s the reason I threw you the way I did, can you defeat them?” she asked.

“Well, I’ll leave that to tomorrow’s me are you going to let them on the planet or do you have a way of getting me there?”

“I can teleport you there but you’re going to have to get yourself back, take the first train to Canterlot tomorrow.” She gave me slip of paper.

“The guards will understand when they see the paper but the citizen’s will most likely panic so try to avoid them as much as possible”

“Got it, how serious is this threat?” I asked

“If you don’t stop them the planet will be destroyed, I’ve already gotten communication from them and they say if we don’t have information on something called boros they will destroy us and if we have the information they will destroy us still."

Alien’s leader pov

Your father was killed by a single man and you were going to avenge him, through genetic modification your power dwarfed even his by entire galaxies worth of power.

A transmission came in from home world, they had finished piecing together some images of the person who killed father. Before the ship crashed someone sent out as much data as they could, more like a warning than information.

It was a creature in some kind of yellow and red suit. The sight of that creature made your blood boil, this simple creature killed your father and his best warriors.

“Prepare to make a jump towards the planet my father died on” you said over an intercom.

“Sire, we received communication from the planet below us, they claim that they have a warrior and that he will arrive sometime tomorrow.”

“they dare send a warrior when they have no information on my father?” im going to destroy this planet when im done with him.

“Actually we are receiving another transmission, it has a video feed.”

“Put it on the monitor.” I commanded

“Greetings, I am princess celestia.” A talking white horse thing appeared on the screen.

I couldn’t help but chuckle as she continued talking

“im going to send a warrior to your ship, if you can defeat him do with the planet as you wish, but if he defeats you, will you leave?” she asked me.

“no, because he wont win.” I told her.

“Fine, but until the fight is over do not make it apparent to the citizens of this planet you’re here.” She said “they are not ready to know that the cosmos is filled with other creatures, my ponies haven’t even gone past steam power.”

“fine.” I said and the communication cut off.

Celestia pov

You let out a sigh of relief as you let down the spell you used to communicate with the aliens. If saitama can’t beat them it’s all over.
You also realized that it’s time to industrialize equestria, if equestria can defend itself against threats like this then how will it survive.
Just in case you send letters to the best magic users in the kingdom to meet in Canterlot tomorrow.

Saitama pov; the next day

After the duel you met with a spike who looked cheated and a twilight who couldn’t been happy no matter how much money she had behind her.

“Here, you’re not getting your fifty percent because you cheated during the duel” she said and threw me a small bag of money.
I counted it out and only found about fifteen bits.

“Yeah no this isn’t going to work I made a deal with spike 50/50”

“Well that’s too bad because spike being a minor can’t make bets or claim winnings by equestrian law, so I had to take it.”

“I’m still getting my fifty percent, if not the money I gave him to begin with.” I told her

“You don’t deserve it because you’re a filthy cheating crook!”

A crowd was starting to gather.

“Twilight don’t embrace yourself, because whether you like it or not I’m leaving with my half.” I told her. “Does anyone here think she deserves a single bit, sure spike didn’t know the law but he made the bet and won it. As far as I can see I’m due my payment.” Most of them agreed with me.

“Twilight just give him his half that would be the honest and easy thing to do here” an orange mare I remembered as applejacks said

“Be quiet mud pony, nopony was talking to you!”

That sounded racist you thought

“Twilight you need to calm down.” I told her.

“NO, you need to leave this town your monster!” she yelled.

“I don’t have time to deal with this, I’m taking my money and if you try and stop me im going to take it all.” I glared at her.

“Just tr-“she stopped and realized I was already walking away with my half “how did you do that!” she yelled as I walked back home.
Once I got there I gave landlord bro the rest of the years rent so I wouldn’t have to deal with it and went into my apartment. Making some quick dinner while reading manga. But something felt kinda off, like Genos was watching him.

Genos pov

“Professor did you find him yet?” Genos asked wanting to find his master as soon as possible.

“Yes, but he is very far away, he is so far that modern technology can’t even see him” the professor said. “But using this crystal ball you borrowed from the hero association I was able to construct a device to see through time and space, you can look though if you want.”

I looked through the professor’s device and there he was, my master was making dinner while reading manga.

“Professor, he seems to have found comfort wherever he is do you think he will want to come back?” I asked DR. Kuseno.

“Probably, but who knows maybe that worlds needs protecting more than ours.” He said. “There hasn’t been a monster attack since he left.”

“I know but something big is going to happen soon, and I know we will need master’s help to stop it.” An idea came into mind. “Professor you said you were working on a way to replicate his teleportation like speed, right?”

“Yes, but what are you thinkinh Genos?” the professor asked.

“What if we went to go visit master using the crystal ball as a type of portal?”

“Genos you know I can-“he froze for a minute. “Your right, that could work, but it would only work once because the ball would be destroyed on use.” He said
“Was is really worth it?” you thought to yourself.

“But, there is a chance we can find another crystal ball wherever he is.” The professor thought. “Genos do you really want to do this, take the possibility of leaving the world behind; to leave the cyborg who destroyed your home town behind just for the sake of one man?”

“If I don’t go then the earth is surely doomed, for the sake of the earth and for the sake of hunting down that cyborg we must bring master home. No matter what it takes.”

“Alright, I’ll go see the landlord about leaving for a while.” Professor said “im gonna need to decide what type of equipment I’m going to need to bring.”

“Wait your coming with me?” I asked him.

“Of course, saitama can’t put you back together if you get hurt again can he?”

“Thanks professor, I’ll always be able to count on you won’t I?” I said

“That’s right Genos, for better or for worse we are going to find that cyborg even if we have to go across the universe to get your master.” He said and walked off.

Saitama pov, the next day.

Today was the day, the day that I would probably kill everything on the ship in one punch and be perfectly fine. I got up a bit too early and it was still dark out. So i decided to take a jog. Looking up towards the moon I noticed the large crater from yesterday’s events. “If only twilight had been able to put up a real fight.” I thought to myself.

After a while I went back home and to take a shower and eat. A hero can’t fight on an empty stomach.
I finished my meal with the feeling that I was being watched, I was starting to wonder if I was being stalked. So before I left I counted up all the money I had and put it under my bed so I knew how much I had when I got back.
I left the apartment with enough money for a train ticket and a bit of food money just in case. As usual the ponies stared at me and my suit but I couldn’t care less I had business to do.

I gave the guy the ticket money and he handed me my ticket, I got on the train and sat in the first seat to my left. After a few minutes the train started up and made its way towards Canterlot. It was nothing compared to a bullet train but it was better than walking. After a few minutes another pony entered the car. It was twilight and spike.

“Yo, spike what’s up?” I asked him. He a look of disappointment soon spread across his face a as twilight sat in front of me.

“What is a freak like you going to Canterlot for?” she spat.

“Celestia said it was an emergency so I came, after all she is paying me to protect equestria.” I said.

“You don’t deserve to protect equestria, it should be me!” her voice rising.

“Listen I don’t want any trouble, I just want to get this over with so I can go back home.” I told her

She sat quietly for a moment and said “so do you know what’s happening, she didn’t tell me anything.”

“Aliens, and I’m pretty sure I’ve run into their kind before.” I told her.

“Really, how am I supposed to believe that?”

“Well, aren’t I technically an alien here?” I asked her.

She didn’t have a response for that. “So why does she want you to come, it’s not like you can use magic or anything.”

“I’m the front line, she is going to teleport me onto the ship and I’ll start punching stuff.” I told her while looking at the approaching city.

“You really think that’s all it will take? Don’t make me laugh!” she exclaimed.

“Hey, it worked the first time so I might as well and I’ve had the feeling I was being watched so decided to do something to get out of the apartment.”

“So you’re telling me you fought and beat a group of aliens like the ones up there?” she said pointed towards the sky.

“Yeah it was easy really, the only one that could somewhat fight was boros but he still went down pretty easy.”

“Whatever, I’m going back to my car, spike come on” twilight commanded the dragon.

“Can I ask saitama some things about his world first, it sounds cool.” He asked her with pleading eyes.

“No, now come on!” she yelled and grabbed him with her magic.

A moment later the car I was in seemed to be slowing down, but when I looked out of the window I saw the train was still going. So I opened the door to the car ahead of me and found that the trains had been separated completely. I looked at the other half of the train and saw twilight laughing at me

“That’s what you get for cheating BALDY!” she yelled, she is lucky i swore to protect equestria because that was an insult of the highest caliber.

I jumped on top of the train car and realized I was in the caboose so I had nothing to worry about. I went to the back of car for a running start. I took a sprinting stance and ran to the other end of the car leaping off of in towards the train. In mere seconds I had landed in the middle of the train leaving a large dent in its roof. We were at the base of the mountain now so I decided to get there ahead of schedule and leaped all the way into what I assumed was the castle.

I crashed through I large window and landed in the throne room, causing instantaneous panic among the ponies there. A guard pointed a spear at me but was stopped by celestia.

“Hold your positions!” celestia commanded her guards.

“Princess he broke into the throne room he must be here to hurt you!” a white stallion in armor exclaimed with utmost certainty.

“I don’t know why saitama entered this way but surely he can explain, aren’t you going to give him the chance?” she asked him. He seemed reluctant but said

“Why did you burst in here like that, hero saitama?” he asked me

“Well, celestias prodigy felt the need to disconnect the caboose I was riding in. thankfully I had time to jump from the car to the main body of the train.” I told him “I then proceeded to jump from the train to what I guess was the castle, and it looks like I was right.”

“Did my sister really do that?” he asked.

“Yeah I’m afraid are little duel still has her mad.” I told him.

“I see, I will speak to her upon her arrival.” He said and left the room.

I looked towards celestia and asked “so when do I need to go up there?”

“It’s going to be a while, the last of the unicorns should be on the train you were one.” She said

“Ok, so is there going to a big briefing or something when they get here?” I asked while looking at a stained glass mirror of me defeating nightmare moon, minus the blood of course.

“Why is there anything you need?”

“Some tea during the briefing would be nice.” I told her.

“That’s doable, what kind would you prefer?” she asked bringing out some paper and quill.

“Just some green tea if you can manage, I can only find it at the markets at the end of the month and by the time I get there someone buys most of it.”

“I see, well I’ll have some prepared for the briefing and a special order sent to your home.” She said

“You don’t have to do that, it’s just tea I can live without it.” I told her.

“Nonsense, sustenance is a basic right and it should always be enjoyed so I feel the need to help you acquire your tea.” She said with a warm smile.

“Thanks, I don’t know how to repay you.” I told her.

“Just do good out there today, now run along you can explore the castle and I’ll have somepony come for you later.” She told me

Sometime later

After a while of walking around a maid pony told you found you and led you to a briefing room. When you got there a bunch of unicorns and celestia were sitting around a large table. It reminded you of the one at the hero HQ, so you sat down were you would have it you were back on earth.

As you sat down some green tea was brought to you by a maid, and the door to the room vanished. Leaving you in near darkness.

“Alright” celestia said to gain everyone’s attention. “What we have here is a threat of unforeseen proportions, we only have two plans to deal with such an event and one of them just arrived.” She said looking towards me. She used a spell to make a diagram of the ship above the table.

One of the unicorns spoke up “I understand that they are aliens but what if they are friendly?” she asked

“I made contact with them, they said they stopped by our planet to consume it and convert it into fuel. If we do not win today the planet is doomed.” She said making everyone realize the weight of the situation.

“Our first course of action is to send saitama here onto the ship, I believe that he can handle the threat but on the off chance he can’t we are going to use a new spell I’ve been developing to destroy the ship.”

“What does the spell do?” asked a pink alicorn seated next to her.

“It will consume my life essence and convert it into pure energy, hopefully destroying the aliens.” She said.
The room went silent.

“Well if that’s all I think it’s time to get started.” I said to the group.

“What do you ‘if that’s all’ we are talking about the entire planet here what if we don’t succeed and the planet is destroyed?!” twilight yelled at me.

“The planet won’t be destroyed, because I going to go up there and kill every last alien in that ship, even if this might not be my true home I’m going to defend it as if it were my birth place.” I said standing up “I will wipe out every force that sees to cause harm to my or any other creature’s way of life.”

I looked at celestia “let go, these aliens better put up a fight.” I said.

At the designated hero launch pad or the D.H.L.P for short

“If you’re not back by nine o’clock we are going to use the spell.” She looked at me.

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want to miss out on free tea would I?” I said to her

She began to charge up a spell that enveloped me in a yellow glow, after a moment I saw a bright flash and then the eyes of an alien, who I promptly killed. Alarms began sounding and started punching holes in stuff, just like I did on boros’ ship.

“Intruder! Are you the warrior that the horse spoke of?” a voice came into my head.

“Yes” I said out loud.

“Good, I’m uploading directions to an arena into your brain. Please follow them.”

“No, if you want to fight come get me” I said as I punch a massive hole into the wall and many rooms beyond it.

“What, but I thought you wanted to fight?!” the voice said

“I do, but I’m also here to do my job so come get me or wait for me to get you I’ll be there soon anyway.”

Another voice cam over the loudspeaker “are you a human foul creature?” it asked me

“Yes, I am” I told the voice.

“Did you kill someone named boros?”

“Yes, he was weak.” I told the voice.

Suddenly a massive explosion came from deeper in the ship accompanied by a voice I heard not in my head, but in my bones. “I’m coming for you human.” It said

I began punching my way towards the voice killing hundreds of aliens in the process. Soon I came face to face with a near perfect copy of boros, except he was bright pink and had full rainbow hair.

“Before we begin, let us exchange names warrior.” He said “my name is cock sucking faggot, what is yours?” he said

“Can you repeat your name I didn’t quite catch it?”

“It’s cock sucking faggot now tell me yours!” he yelled

“Until you tell me your real name I’m not telling you mine, because that is bullshit.”

“That is my real name!” he let out an effeminate cry and slammed his pink fist into me, sending me through multiple floors before grabbing me and throwing me back up the hole and shooting a rainbow colored energy beam that bounced off of me and damage the area of the ship we were in severely.

Before he could fire another beam of energy I punched him in the stomach sending him flying and shattering his armor.

“You destroyed my armor, that armor sealed my infinite lust for dick and faggotry.” He said as a massive beam of gay pride washed over me doing nothing.

“I’m going to destroy you and when I’m done, I’m going to have sex with every male crew member on this ship!” he yelled.
In the distance I heard muffled screams of terror and people telling me not to lose.
So after a few minutes of him bashing me around and destroying most of his ship he seems to have calmed down for now.

“Why won’t you die?!” he asked through shallow breaths.

“Because you’re weak” I told him.

He leaped at me but this time I was done messing around.

“Super serious move set: serious punch!” I punched him square in the face, not only atomizing him but most of the ship behind him as well. The hole I opened up began pulling me and countless people out of it but I held my breath and waited for the affect to fade.Once it was gone I made my way outside of the ship and using it as a jumping surface I launch myself back towards the planet, landing on top of the mountain Canterlot resided on. After making my way down towards were celestia and the unicorns were standing I looked up and noticed that the ship was beginning to explode in certain areas, lighting up the now darkening sky.

“Well, that’s that.” I said to celestia and went to catch the next train home.

Author's Note

ok fags, i wrote this chapter because its marks the end of season one in this timeline(this chapter is literally filler garbage on top of this garbage story). saitama has no reason to go to any of the events that would happen and all of the events that could have resulted in loss of life are covered for i believe(or so the wiki tells me) so ill start off with season two premiere soon enough. should be out in like a week or something. also fucking website is broken as fuck because i cant upload from Microsoft word and copy and past breaks the format i had said up, so anything set in the middle will be offset.

a weird snake dude

Some weird snake thing

It was a normal day in ponyville, the school foals went on a field trip and the adults used it as a holiday. But soon after the foals left all chaos ensued. Space time crumpled in some places, the rain was chocolate and I was pissed. Not only did my apartment get destroyed but it happened while I was reading manga.

I ran through the town hunting whatever did this, stopping only to save a pony in mortal danger. After a while I began to notice a pattern, everything seemed like harmless pranks turned up to a whole new level. I made my way towards the center of town only to find a large throne where town hall should be. Above it floated six bubbles, twilight, fluttershy, pinkie pie, rarity, applejack, and rainbow dash were all trapped inside of them.

When I approached the throne a strange snake like creature popped into existence.

“Why hello there, I knew that I felt something strong nearby I guess it was you.” He said throwing an empty glass behind him.

“Are you the one causing all of this?” I calmly asked him.

“Well yes I am thank you for not-“ he stopped as I punched a hole into him. He disappeared and reappeared behind me.

“A silly little punch like that won’t hurt me.” He mocked.

“Then how about this, consecutive normal punches!” I said as I evaporated him with my fists.

“Nope, not good enough” he said.

I jumped towards twilights bubble and asked “hey egghead, how do I defeat him?”

“You need to use the elem-“ she was cut off as sound ceased to escape from the bubble.

“Now I can’t have you spoiling all of my secrets now can i?” the creature said.

The creature grabbed a random pony and said “for every minutes you take to stop me im going to kill one of these ponies.” He said as the sky turned dark.

“I will start with the yellow one!” he said as the bubble compressed fluttershy into nothingness.

The shock on the ponies faces told it all, they didn’t expect anyone to go this far. To kill an innocent by stander is unthinkable. But where her bubble once was a yellow glow soon appeared. This glow did nothing so I decided to ignore it for now.

“The clock is ticking baldy.” He said.

I leaped at him decking him right in the jaw, destroying his head but he regenerated it just as quick.

“It’s my turn now” he stated and attempted to drop a house on me, I dodged going in for antoher punch but to no avail he kept regenerating.

“Time for the next one” he said as rarities bubble became nothing. A white glow soon filling the area she had once been.

Twilight seemed to be casting a spell but it wasn’t doing anything yet. So you decided it was time to end this fight before anyone else died.

“Super serious move set, time shattering fist!” you yell out and punch discord, not only in the present but in the past and the future. He didn’t suffer a vital hit but he couldn’t recover his lost arm.

“that hurt” he said as he crushed the last four bubbles all at once, though one bubble seemed to be putting up a fight.

It was twilights I looked towards is and it seemed she mouthed “by me time.” So I did as was told and distracted discord, he didn’t seem to want to really fight so I was going to make him.

“so, your pretty strong it looks like im gonna have to go all out.” He said grinning at me. “your not the only one who names your moves, multidimensional barrage!” he said as I started getting hit from all sides at the same time, not taking any real damage but damaging my suit.

“That’s my suit you’re, ruining” I said as I walked outside of the barrage. “Can you please go all out now, if not ill finish you here and now”

“Fine you want to see all out, I’ll show you!” He said as the sky blacked and the world stilled. Black beams of energy came at me from all sides. I dodged them with ease as large chunks of stone flew my way. After punching the first two I dodged the other two looking for twilight.
She seemed to be nearly done with her spell and the strange lights were spinning around her. Though whatever it was didn’t seem ready as she was still struggling.

“You’re not leaving just yet!” I heard a voice from behind but when I turned around I was punched in the back, the force sending me into a nearby building. Before I could stand up I was thrown some distance and then kicked into the ground.

“Do you see now baldy, you can’t possibly hope to beat me!” he sneered at me.

“Did you just insult my lack off hair?” I asked my fist clenching.

“Why, are you gonna get mad?” he taunted.

“Saitama!” I heard a yell from behind me. “Take it!” a ball of multicolored energy flew my way. I could feel it, these were the souls of those poor ponies. But not just that, it was the embodiment of their most sacred virtues. This power was what celestia tried to awaken but failed because of me. I took that power into my fist. Sure I could defeat this guy with a normal punch but it would require amounts of power I wasn’t comfortable using in town.

“is that a last ditch effort you have there?” the creature said as it threw a massive ball of energy at me. As it washed over I heard voices in my head.

“Do it saitama!”

“Teach that brute a lesson!”

“Kick his flank!”

“Take him down, for the sake of parties!”

“If you can’t defeat him here how will you protect equestria?!”

Another voice came from behind me. “Do it saitama take him down!” twilight yelled from her bubble as it collapsed, her purple energy meeting up with my fist.

I could feel it, a power that could rival my own only to be used once this punch would be seen by to cosmos for as long as the universe existed.

“ONE TIME TECHNIQE, HARMONY PUNCH!” I said as I punched the bored looking monster before he had time to react. The force of the punch created a beam of pure gay pride incinerating the monster and a small chunk of the already damaged moon. The power I had absorbed began to dissipate, it was hard to explain but the energy had a content feeling to it.

After a few moments the town went back to normal, my apartment was back, the town hall reappeared and all of the ponies that died came back, except for six. Those six ponies realized their destiny and gave everything they had to stop a foe, I respected that. They were true heroes even if twilight was jerk.

After a while celestia came to ponyville to congratulate me on my victory, I told her that the only reason I won the way I did was because of twilights sacrifice.She didn’t believe that twilight was gone at first, but relied that the burst of rainbow energy was the elements of harmony’s last resort; harmony explosion. She told me that twilight must have figured out she and those other ponies were the element bearers and that she held out to the very last second to give me their power.

“Well it’s a good thing they did, if I would have had to use a real move I might have destroyed the town.” I told celestia.

“Yes, we will hold a celebration tomorrow, honoring there sacrifice for equestria.” She said her eyes still red from her tears.

“well if that’s all im gonna go home now.” I said, but before I could walk away she said.

“there is one more thing, but you don’t have to do it you don’t want.” She said

“what do you need?” I asked her while shaking dirt out of my special place.

“spike, twilights dragon needs a home would it be fine if he stays with you?” she asked me

“of course ill pay for any expenses he needs, as well as housing if you wish to upgrade.” She told me.

“Well that’s fine with me, but don’t you think he would want to stay in the library?” I asked her.

“Of course he will, are you ok with moving into the library?” she asked.

I thought for a moment. “I’ll move in if I can have some construction done to it.” I said.

“What would you like to do?” she asked wondering where I was going with this.

“I just want an apartment like mine built into the side of it, I really like the way it feels.” I told her.

“that’s fine, ill have a group of builders start working on it soon, but for now spike will stay with you is that ok?” she asked.

“Sure where is he?”

“In the library, he didn’t take the news so well.” she said looking towards the library.

“I bet, well I’ll go talk to him and see if I can get him to come home with me.” I said and walked away.

I walked into the library only to hear muffled sobs. I walked towards to noise and found spike in a basket, curled up and sobbing.
“Hey spike, how you holding up?” I asked him.

“Not to good” he said.

“Well is there anything I can do to help?” I asked as I sat down and crossed my legs.

“No” he said.

“Well I just came to tell you that while construction is being done on the library you have to live with me for a little bit.”

“What are they gonna do to twilights library?” he asked me peaking up from the covers.

“They are adding an apartment to the side of it.”

“Why would they do that?” he asked me.

“Well since you can’t live alone yet celestia wants me to live here, so I made a request to have a separate space to accommodate me.”

“Oh, that’s fine I guess.” He said and went back mopping. “I’ll come by your apartment later, I want to be alone for a while.”

“Well I’ll see you later.” I told him.

Later

After a while spike showed up at the apartment with his overnight stuff, I was going to set up a sleeping mat for spike but he insisted that he sleep in the basket he brought with him. So I didn’t push it. I made some dinner and after we ate he asked me a question
“Hey saitama, don’t you get sad when ponies die?” he asked me.

I looked at him and said “I’ve seen a lot of people die, and after you become someone like me you tend to ignore emotions other than thrill and fear.” I told him.

“Oh, do you think I could be strong like you someday?” he asked as he prepared to go to sleep.

“Probably, that all depends on you though.” I told him as I turned the lights off.

A substantial amount of time later.

The workers finished adding on the apartment and I was ready to move in, I gave to landlord this month’s rent and used a cart to bring my stuff to the library. On my way there I get a few friendly waves and more than enough glares, it’s seemed some ponies thought that I let twilight die. But that was very far from the truth, twilight knew what she was doing the whole time. She knew that once fluttershy had been killed that it was over for them.

So she did what she could and saved a lot of lives in the process. I passed the monument built for them in town, it was pretty cool. It depicted me punching discord with the harmony fist and the elements fiving their lives. It was pretty expensive and I don’t think the town could pay for it so it was probably celestias doing.

I arrived at the library and put my stuff in the apartment, there were two ways to get in. an outside door and a door connecting the library. So I while I was putting away my stuff I found a letter on my counter. It opened it and it read.

“Thank you for protecting equestria, even though some ponies died I know you’re doing your best.” I looked at the letter and felt a sense of accomplishment. I continued reading. “Even though my sister was extremely rude to you I know she helped you beat discord in the end.”
The letter didn’t have a name or a return address but I’m pretty sure I know who it was from.

I walked back into the library to find spike cleaning up the library.“So do you want to do anything today spike?” I asked him.

“Nah, since twilights gone I need to run the library.” He said.

“Well ok, if want to do anything later tell me, I’m gonna go on patrol.” I said as I walked out.

“Oh, and today is cider season so you should probably try and get some.” Spike called out as I left.

I didn’t drink much but it might be fun. It wasn’t hard to find the line considering how far back it was. I of course was in the back of the line being the last person to hear about it.

Not soon after a large group of ponies cam walking back and the line dissipated. Most of them looked either happy or depressed so I guess they ran out.

“Hey did you hear, those stallions are going to take their farm.” I heard a pony say

“Yeah it’s a shame too, since applejack isn’t there to help anymore they can pay their taxes.” Someone replied.

“Excuse me, how exactly does that mean some stallions can take the farm, are they with the bank?” I asked the mare.

“No, in equestria if you can’t afford to run a business another company can outright take your papers from you.” The mare said and kept walking.

That didn’t seem right so you made your way towards the farm to talk to the ponies still there.
Once you arrived you saw a poor family and two stallions driving a large machine around. You walked up to the stallions and said. “So are you the two ponies trying to take their land?”

“Silly creature, we aren’t trying to take it by law it’s ours now.” They states as a matter of fact.

“When do they have to leave?” I asked them.

“By the end of the week, if they are still here they will be removed with force”

I walked over to the apple family and said “don’t worry I’ll get your farm back” And walked away.

Back at the library.

“Yo spike, I need a favor.” I called out when I got into the library.

“What do you need?” he asked me from somewhere in the library.

“applejacks family is about to lost their farm, could you send a letter to celestia asking her if there is anything we could do?” I asked him grabbing a snack from the fridge.

“Sure I’ll send her a letter but I don’t know what she will be able to do.” I told him. “I’ll cook dinner tonight, I’ve got something special for the both of us.” I told him and went to my apartment.

After a few minutes spike came in with a letter from the princess. “Here, this is for you.” He said and walked out.

“Dear saitama, although I can’t help you get the farm back through legal means you can take it back by force if you want. In that case I can defend you in court and you’ll probably be fine.” The letter read.

“Well in that case I’ll just go punch their car thing.” I said to myself and started to work on dinner.

Dinner time

After about an hour of cooking it was done, a well prepared steak dinner. All the ingredients except the steak were bought from the market but I had to get the steak from a shady griffon in an alley. It’s fine though I haven’t had meat in a long time so this would be refreshing.
“Yo spike dinner is ready!” I yelled from my apartment.

“Coming” he said. He walked in and the smell hit him “saitama what’s that smell, its great?”

“A treat, and not one we can have often considering where we live.” I told him.

“Is that meat?” he asked pointing at his plate.

“Yeah, I bought it from some griffon for a pretty good price. It’s been a long time since I’ve had any meat and since I had the money I decided to splurge a little bit.” I told him.

“I’ve never had meat saitama, twilight always said it was bad for ponies.” He said

“Well yeah it is, but you’re not a pony spike you’re a dragon.” I showed him my carnivores “these teeth right here are for meat, you have them too don’t you?” I asked.

He showed me his canines and said “well I guess it won’t hurt to try it will it?”

“Nope now dig in, it’s gonna get cold.” I said as I cut my steak into bit sized pieces for chopsticks.

He started eating his steak and really seemed to enjoy it. But I had to tell him to eat the other things on his plate before he was done with steak.All in all it was a good meal, decent steak and good vegetables.

The next day

I woke up and got ready to go take applejacks farm back, sure I couldn’t get it back through legal means but if the horse god was gonna back me up, fuck it I am gonna punch the shit out of that steam punk garbage.

On my way towards the farm many ponies seemed to be packing up their livelihoods, almost like that farm was the only reason keeping the town afloat. So after a walk I arrived at the farm only to find those two stallions planning out how they were going to change the farm.
“Hey, you two can stop now.” I called over to them. “I talked to celestia and she told me she would back me up if I did anything you could sue me for.” I told them.

“Ha, how are we supposed to believe that you even know celestia?”

“Whatever” I said as I walked over towards their steampunk booze machine and punched it a large shockwave washed over the farm and the delicate machine was reduced to scrap.

“w-what did you do!” one of them yelled at me.

“Give me the papers” I told them.

“Fine take them, but we will be back!” they said as they ran off.

I took the papers from them and handed them to the apple family and went back home.

Author's Note

i finished this quicker than i though, probably gonna stop for a while while i get used to the school year starting up again.

the grand cluster fuck finale

The grand clusterfuck finale

Equestria had been reduced to ash, tirek had won. The princess were dead and any survivors has retreated to caves to await the inevitable, except two. This is there story.

Genos and I began walking towards the hulking beast, a ball of nuclear energy seemed to reside in between his massive horns. Taking in any magical energy and converting it into fuel for his rampage. It was over, equestria was laid to waste but there was still more. More unicorns outside of equestria, he was on his way to claim their power.

“Master, how should we go about destroying this foe?” Genos asked.

“I’m going to kick the shit out of it, then we are going home.” I told him as we began to approach the monster, he must have noticed are presence and turned around to face us. “You need to hide for a while, I can take care of this.”

“But master I can fight!” he exclaimed.

“This is no dragon level threat, this is the god level thread I have been waiting for.” I told him

“Fine, I will be waiting for you in Dr. Kuseno’s lab” he said and began to walk off.

Once he was gone i began to channel my power, normally i need to limit how much power i use or i could kill a lot of people. now i could finally go all out.

“So you’re the last warrior?” tireks voice boomed across the wasteland.

“No, I am a hero!” I said as I looked up at his massive figure. He was nearly the size of boros’ ship. “I am saitama, the hero who will stop you!” the power is was building began to manifest into visible energy, a golden aura began to flow from me.

“Then I will settle this quick” he said as his mighty hoof landed on me and destroyed the area around me. “Well, that was easy worthless creature didn’t even put up a fight.”

“Don’t be so sure.” I told him as my hand was holding his entire hoof. The power was now beginning to create hurricane force winds. Causing minor dust storms around us.

“Is this some kind of last ditch effort?” he asked me “even though I can’t absorb your power it still doesn’t hold a flame to mine.” He stated with upmost certainty.

“Final move series, avatar release!” I yelled as indescribable amounts of power began to flow from my body. This was the true result of my training, I had become one with human spirit and could manifest its power as I saw fit.

A large shockwave knocked tireks hoof off of me sending him into the ground. The energy began to form a large bubble around me, lifting me into the air. Tirek had made his way back on his hooves and was preparing to attack.

“Now, you die!” he yelled as a hell storm of magic and fire was propelled at me.

It bounced harmlessly off me and quickly dissipated. I decided it was time to make my move. I summoned forth all the power I could, the bubble around me expanded into a blob like shape, becoming rougher and more rigid as it grew. Soon arms and legs sprouted from it.
Tirek kept attempting to incinerate me but at this point it fueling me.

The head soon formed and I found that I was located in the avatars chest. I began to test my control and found that I could move it like I would my body. So I made my way over to tirek and threw a punch at his face, he sidestepped and sent me into the ground. The ground below me shattered as my avatar was embedded into it.

“Do you not see now!” he yelled as he slammed his fists into me. “Your effort is futile!”

I had had enough of this, I was bored and clearly the writer has better things to do than shitpost on a site for horsefuckers.
So I threw tirek off of me and took my final stance.

“I’m done with this, I want to go back home!” I yelled as I slammed my fist into his face. His body was immediately gone along with a large chunk of the landscape.

The power I had called forth was sent back and I returned to the ground. I made my way towards were Genos and the doctor was. They had found another ball and were ready to construct a portal.

“Are you ready to go Genos?” I asked the cyborg.

“Whenever you are master.” He said.

“Good lets end this shit tier adventure so the writer can finish fallout 4” I said. The doctor opened up a portal and the three men stepped through it, and with their leave the shittiest story ever written was over.

Author's Note

eat shit and die horse fuckers.