The Secret Life of Ponies

From Rainbow Dash's Journal

Hey. My name is Rainbow Dash. Never figured out exactly why, but I assumed it was my mane. It's so short that I can't even see it. Never seen a mirror, either. Or a rainbow.

My coat only seems to be a single shade of blue. Sad, I guess. Whatever, I'm bad at writing sob stories anyway. Besides, I should probably stop before my human sees me. Catch you later.

Yeah, Ok. I'm back. Human's sleeping. I'll be safe for the next 8 hours. I just remembered why I'm writing this piece of horseapples, to let everyone know what has happened in Ponyville. Well, more like Humanville now. Not even sure how the ugly things got here. Not like I care or anything.

They took all the ponies. Forced them to breed. Afterwards, they killed off the stallions. Only kept the mares alive until their foals were born. Then they were all starved. Eventually died. I suppose they just wanted to start off with a fresh batch of ponies. See, he told me all this, just to intimidate me. Stupid. I wonder if all humans are as bright as him.

Nevermind. Uh, now it's just us. Us foals. We are strong. We will conquer.

Strong can be all suited up in a black, tight leash. Time for walkies. Yep, human is getting that sad old reminder of my captivity. Bye, I guess.

Human is mad at me. I stood in one spot too long. I was watching somepony. A pegasus, tall with a butter-colored coat. Pink, silky mane. Hope I can see her again. Uh- oh. I hear that human coming down the hallway. Gotta run.

Stinkin' human beat me! Right against the flank with a stick. It struck just hard enough to leave a mark. Ah well, not much damage done. No real reason to hit me either. That's the thing. He just seems to get a kick out of hurting me. I should be thankful for that, I mean, he could have gotten a knife or something. I hate my life anyway.

Ah, human's not important anyway. Better get back on track, to the topic of that filly. I thought I was alone. Seriously. I have never seen anypony in our neighborhood. Just stupid, ugly humans. Seems pretty crazy that all of a sudden, a foal popped up. If another pony really lives here, though, then at least this town isn't totally deserted. Not everypony's dead. This gives me hope.

Today my human kicked me. Hard. I was just sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when suddenly- boom! He pushed me off and I tumbled onto the floor. Then- smack! He just kicked me across the room. He plopped down on the same couch and turned on the TV, laughing to himself. He sucks.

I got into the fridge late at night. I found some sweet potatoes and brown rice. Perfect. I ate it all up, even after I was full, just ate and ate and ate. Globs of mushy food were forced down my throat. It hurt me to do that, but the pain was a small price to pay. I continued to consume the copious amount of food. The stolen meal eventually disappeared. I licked my chops to get any stray remains into my stomach. I realized I had to pee. Didn't matter anyway, I could hold it until morning. I need to get some rest.

I woke up early this morning to the pressure rapidly growing in my gut. Great. Now I'd gotten to my least favorite part of the plan. I dragged my sorry (and supposedly multicolored) tail down the quiet hallway. I stopped at the door to my human's room. My human's room. Wow. I'm pretty brave.

I entered the room and leapt onto the bed, fluttering my powerful wings so I didn't wake the human. Y'know, by landing too hard. I fearlessly assessed the situation once more. My fur stood up on end. I felt alive for once. Just a taste of victory. Enough "assessing". Time for action.

I tapped my human's shoulder just hard enough to wake him, using great precision. Then, I used the sweetest voice I could muster to say the magic words: "Human, cood we pwease go fa walkies?" He muttered and rose from bed. YES. I lifted my hooves in glee. Success!

Outside (yep, outside!) the human seemed drowsy and distracted. Nice. The growing pains in my abdomen forced me to once again take action. I lifted my tail and backed up against the human's leg.

Time to release the sea monster.

I emptied my body of all that food, the torrent of waste completely coating my human's leg with my, uh, excretion, so to speak. Man, fiber always gives me the trots. Well, it made him look at least a little better. He was stupid, but not that stupid, as he took notice of the present I left for him.

He tossed me on the ground and stepped on my ribs. Ok, that one was new. Painful, too, but I could handle it. I mean, I'm Rainbow Dash. He said some stuff I couldn't care less about, all I knew was that his sentences were decorated with swear words. He dragged me back inside, probably planning a punishment or something. Unimportant. Now we wait.

He tossed the leash in my room, still attached to me. He then scowled and waddled pitifully to the bathroom. Now we wait yet again. I grabbed this book of mine here in my mouth.

Alright, now something you might not have picked up on was the fact that this human here was stupid. Also, rage blinds the one who is stupid. Man, just came up with that on the spot! I took one look at the front door and smirked. Open.

No more waiting.

I bounded out that door with a new bounce in my trot. Now to find that pony.

Time to prove that I'm not alone.