Twilight Ruins Everything

by Eskerata

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2258

Don't you hate it when some egghead tells you what's wrong with your life? Don't you hate it even more when she's right? Twilight Sparkle gathers her friends together and tells them what they don't want to hear. Which is the truth.

It has been said that a lie will go around the world before the truth is able to put its pants on. Twilight Sparkle yanks the pants up and shows the truth to her friends. Watch Rainbow Dash admit an embarrassing habit.
See Fluttershy reveal what her real powers are. And have you ever wondered why Applejack's apples are the only apples in Equestria?
Come and watch the pants make the ponies squirm in thier seats.
:twilightblush: "Uhmm, that's a weird phrase."
Best I could do, Twi. Best I could do.

Published 2016-01-01 16:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-01 16:50:02 UTC

Twilight Ruins Friendship

Perhaps Twilight Sparkle’s crystal castle had vibration-enhancing qualities within the crystalline structure. Twilight considered this as her friends trotted into the map room and took their seats. Maybe that’s why she swore she could hear the sound of their eyes rolling when they saw her with her “Royal Nerdiness” glasses on. The teetering mound of books that engulfed the back of her chair probably prompted the noise as well.

As Rainbow Dash plunked her butt on her rock hard chair, which made her wince each time, she called out to her friends, “Ho boy, girls, strap yourselves in. Class is in session.”

Applejack snickered. “If Ah knew we’d be goin’ to school, Ah’d have brought an apple for th’ teacher.”

Twilight pushed her glasses up her muzzle, sighing. “I’ll get to your apples in a minute.”

“Is something wrong, dear?” asked Rarity. “You sound a bit somber.”

“I know. There’s a lot I have to get out into the open.”

Pinkie whipped out a magnifying glass and examined Twilight’s bloodshot eyes. “Have you been reading all night again? I keep telling you to eat more of my special coffee bean muffins for those book marathons you run. I’ve been eating them all day and night and I don’t suffer any side eff . . .” Pinkie’s face slapped into the table as she power-napped.

Fluttershy flew over to Pinkie. “Oh, dear. I’ll put her in her seat.”

Twilight said, “Thanks. The thing is, girls, I’ve been doing a lot of research with this new shipment of books Celestia sent me last week. And . . . uhm . . .” She began to chew on her lower lip.

Rainbow scratched her head. “Are any of us in trouble?”

“Not if you all listen to what I’ve learned.” Twilight took a deep, calming breath and let it out. “Let’s start off this meeting with a simple but important question. How well do you know Equestria?”

Applejack blinked. “Say what? We all graduated from school, if that’s what yew mean.”

Twilight waved her hoof. “No, that’s not it at all. Celestia once told me that there’s two versions of every well-known fact. The official version and the one you really need to know. And none of you know nearly enough.”

“Yew mentioned mah apples. Is there somethin’ wrong with ‘em?”

“Oh, no. Not a thing. They are sweet and delicious.”

“Thanks.”

“They are also three times more expensive than they should be.”

Rainbow stood up in her chair. “Are you saying that her apple cider also costs too much?”

Twilight nodded. “I’m afraid so, Dashie. Sorry.”

“B-but I need cider to give me energy for those long rain cloud pushing days.”

“Just drink coffee, darling,” suggested Rarity.

“I tried! Coffee makes me pee often. And since it takes too long for me to land on the ground and powder my muzzle . . . ohh, boy.” She winced and crossed her legs.

Pinkie woke from her micro-nap and asked, “Is that why last week’s rain clouds were yellow? I thought my umbrella smelled funny.”

Dash hid her head under her hooves. “Please don’t tell anypony.”

Rarity wrinkled her nose at Rainbow and shuddered in repulsion. “No wonder my rose bushes are dying.”

Applejack cleared her throat. “As fascinatin’ as Rainbow’s honey pot of gold is, Ah wanna know how you figure mah apples cost too much.”

Twilight held up a thick book with her magic. “Because of this history book of Equestian farmers. When Princess Celestia was fighting with Princess Luna, your family came up with a shrewd deal. If they provided apples for free to Celestia’s army, she would grant the Apple family exclusive farming rights for apples over all of Equestria. This ancient monopoly on apples gives you the ability to slap on whatever price you wish.”

Fluttershy whimpered. “Oh, my. I’ve been spending too much on apples? No wonder my animal feeding budget is so thin.”

Twilight snorted. “Your animal feeding budget is just fine. It’s your profession that needs to change.”

“You aren’t suggesting I give up on my animals, are you? Barry the bear . . .”

A photo was held over the table by Twilight’s magic. “Barry the so-called bear is really just three ponies in a bear suit.” The picture showed Barry’s hollow head on the ground and a blushing trio of ponies staring at the camera. “You can’t actually control or even speak to wild animals, Fluttershy. Your chorus of birds, for example, are parrots dressed up in bird costumes. The rest of your ‘animals’ are just robots you bought from some pizza parlor that went out of business a while back.”

“What tipped you off?” asked Fluttershy.

“Your cutie mark,” replied Twilight. “Am I really the only one here who’s never wondered why three butterflies doesn’t signify an ability to talk to them? I hated to spy on you, Fluttershy, but I had to find out the truth. I suppose Celestia would never have given you government funding for animal care if she knew you could only communicate with insects.”

Fluttershy’s spine seemed to deflate as she slunk down into her chair. “You haven’t told Celestia this, have you? I can’t go back to my old job as an auctioneer.”

“Calm down. This goes for everypony in this room. I’m not here to ruin anything.”

Rarity smiled. “Well, I know I have no dirty little secrets to hide. My cutie mark of three diamonds means exactly what you think it means.”

Twilight raised a brow. “If you mean less resale value than a can of beans, then you’re right.”

Through politely gritted teeth, Rarity inquired, “I. Beg. Your. Pardon?”

“Diamonds are intrinsically worthless, Rarity. Apples are not the only thing that’s monopolized. All those gems that Spike eats are the same gems you put on your dresses. You might as well use chipped glass.”

Pinkie finished a coffee bean muffin and chirped, “Did you find out anything bad about Sugar Cube Corner? I know the Cakes don’t overprice their food.”

“No, but they’re definitely going to have to get rid of the gluten. That stuff‘s so bad for ponies that it might as well have come from Discord’s back hair shavings.”

Pinkie’s hair deflated. “Aww, poo! But the flavor’s in the gluten! And the sugar! And the butter!”

“Which are three things you’ll have to reduce or just flat out get rid of if you want your customers to stay healthy. Sorry, Pinkie.”

Rainbow folded her forelegs and pouted. “I guess I’m the next target, huh? Okay, let’s have it.”

“The so-called ‘weather factory’ is really designed to just keep Cloudsdale in the air. Keeping Pegasi off the ground helps reduce overcrowding in Equestria’s cities. Celestia’s been importing clouds and other weather from the Griffon empire for ages. Pegasi aren’t as good at making clouds as people have been led to believe.”

Rarity muttered, “But they are great at befouling those clouds.”

“Okay, I’m sorry about that, Rares,” said Rainbow. “I’ll buy you new rose bushes, all right?”

Applejack groaned as she rubbed her temples. “Yew don’t understand, Twilight. Ah gotta charge that much for mah apples. There’s lots of farmin’ expenses. Big Mac’s new Jacuzzi ain’t gonna pay for it’s own self!”

Twilight shrugged. “According to recent farming news, Appleoosa’s cherry imports are getting more popular in Ponyville. You’ll have to reduce your apple prices soon to keep up. Just give your brother a bathtub and a large bowl of beans. He’ll get the same results. Eventually.”

Rarity scrunched up her muzzle as if she smelled Twilight’s economical suggestion at work. “I can’t believe you suggested that I use anything less than real diamonds. My customers . . .”

“Won’t notice the difference. Most ponies don’t know hoof clippings from tuna fish about diamonds anyway. Give your budget a break and use party store jewelry instead.”

Fluttershy squirmed in her chair as she asked, “What about me?”

“You don’t want to be known as the bug-pony. I get that,” Twilight said reassuringly.

“They used to call me Flutter Roach in Junior Speedsters Flight Camp. I had to put a stop to that somehow.”

“Why not use your insect control powers for non-toxic pest removal? Restaurants would pay good money to be free of ants, roaches and termites.”

Pinkie pushed her hooves into her head and blew her flat hair out until it reached its old fluffy shape again. Flicking away her saliva, she said, “There’s something you might have missed about my custom-ers, Twilight. They aren’t interested in nutrition as much as they want a sugar rush. If they want vita-mins, they’ll have to eat hayburgers.”

Twilight held up a newspaper flier and pointed at it. “Or they can just go eat at the several dozen Griffon health food stores that Celestia allowed to open up in Equestria. One of them is opening up right outside Ponyville in a few days. Once word gets around that Griffon scones are better for a pony’s health than your cupcakes, Pinkie, Sugar Cube Corner’s profit margin will drop like a brick.”

When Pinkie’s hair began to sink again, Twilight quickly added, “Don’t panic, Pinkie. All you have to do to stay competitive is expand your menu a little. Health food never goes out of style. You just need to get with the times, that’s all.”

Rainbow Dash squinted at Twilight. “I can’t wait to hear your suggestions for me.”

“Well, Commander Easyglider wrote a few articles on how to form all kinds of clouds. Maybe Cloudsdale needs to apply his research more. If you want to compete against the Griffons, you’ll have to be better at your job. Just like Pinkie.”

“I guess I’ll have to drink more coffee after all,” replied Rainbow with a sigh. “And I’ll learn to time my bathroom breaks a little better.”

Twilight beamed. “That’s the spirit!” Her sunny expression soon clouded over when she looked around the table. Instead of witnessing the smiles and bright eyes of eager students, she saw the flat ears and frowns of dentist patients.

Cleaning her glasses, she said, “Look, I’m not telling you girls to be mean or anything. All I’m trying to do here is help show you a better way to live your lives.”

Applejack rubbed her chin. “Yeah, ah know. We all know, Twi. It’s just gonna be an adjustment, that’s all. What about yew?”

Putting her glasses back on, Twilight asked, “What do you mean?”

Rainbow smiled. “You can’t be coy with the pony of honesty, Twi. Go ahead, tell us that you don’t have some dirty little skeleton in your closet.”

Twilight’s wings twitched as she chewed her lower lip. “I suppose I had this coming, didn’t I? You girls know that I’m officially the princess of friendship, right?”

“And you make a lovely princess indeed, darling,” replied Rarity.

“It’s just too bad that title is fake. It was presented to the public so that Celestia could rationalize funding my library and magic research. My so-called ‘alicorn‘ wings are a teleportation accident with an albatross that I couldn’t undo. I have to dye my feathers every week just to keep up the illusion.”

Pinkie jumped off the table, flinging confetti into the air. “Ah hah! I knew it! I mean, Celestia raises the sun, Luna raises the moon, so what does a princess of friendship do? Raise her friends?”

Rubbing her chin, Twilight pondered this. “In a way, I am. You’re my best friends and I don’t want to see you sleepwalk through your lives the way most ponies do.”

Fluttershy said, “You’re trying to lift us up.”

“Right!”

Rarity stared at her cutie mark of low resale value. “It’s just a lot of information to take in. My mother once told me that your average pony will resist any attempt to change themselves, even if it’s for their own good.”

Twilight replied, “She’s right, Rarity. I would never steer any of you wrong. All I have ever wanted to do is help my fellow ponies with knowledge. The future belongs to those who can think the clearest, after all.”

Pinkie bounced over to Twilight. “I’ll write up a health food menu tomorrow, Twilight. Let’s go get some coffee bean muffins! I’ll make up a gluten-free batch for all of us.”

Rainbow snapped her hooves together. “That’s it! I’ll eat those muffins instead of drinking coffee. That’ll keep me going while I build better clouds.”

“Those muffins have a lot of bran in them, Dashie,” warned Pinkie. “You might want to stay close to the ground while you eat them. The muffin choo-choo comes out of the tunnel pretty quick, you know.”

Rarity asked, “I did see a few brown clouds a few days ago. That wasn’t your doing, was it, Rainbow?”

Blushing, Rainbow replied, “Uhh . . . let’s just say that wasn’t hail hitting your roof.”

While Twilight forced that image out of her head, she pondered, not for the first time, that she was often given information she could have lived without.

THE END

Author's Note

This story was inspired by one of the best new shows of 2015, ~~Ash vs Evil Dead~~ oops, I mean "Adam Ruins Everything". This program reveals all kinds of BS that we accept as truth.

When Adam showed how worthless diamonds really were, the lightbulb went off and I wrote this story in a few days.

I hope you had as much fun reading this story as I had writing it.