Grandpa HATES Equestriaby ColossalParadoxChaptersDiabetes Can Kiss My Azhole!Nightmare Night - "And Your Mammy Is TOO!!"Hearths Warming Eve - "You Can Stick This Candy Cane You Know Where!"Hearts and Hooves Day - "F*ck Diabetes..."Putting the "Good" in "Goodbye"Welcome To Eques- "Shut up, Slut!!"Diabetes Can Kiss My Azhole!"And this is Sugar Cube Corner, Grandpa! Those are my friends over there!" Twilight told Grandpa, waving over to her friends who waved back, slightly in shock of the new visitor she had brought with her. Grandpa just looked around the Confectionery store at all the patrons staring at him. Pastries and cakes frozen halfway to the mouths of awestruck ponies with eyes the size of dinner plates and pupils no bigger than pinpricks. Grandpa thought that all of this was really gay. "There's no way any of this can be real... I bet my wife Claretta spiked my coffee again. The slut!!" Grandpa looked down at a filly unicorn who gazed at him with shocked curiosity. "The hell you lookin' at?" Grandpa yelled at her. "D'you want me to throw my dirty pampers at you? That'd be a two-in-one bomb there!" The filly scampered off out the doors of the cakery, most likely running home to her parents. "Ahem," Applejack coughed, getting Twilight's attention, "Who's yur new frien' there Twi?" She asked. "He's c'rtainly got a way wit' words," She said with a nervous laugh. Pinkie bounded up and freaked the hell out of Grandpa. "I like him. Cause he reminds me of me," Pinkie stated, getting confused glances from the others. Pinkie decided to elaborate. "In that he's random, like ME!!" She squealed, bouncing in place for a bit before calming down to continue. "Not the different television ratings of our vocabulary," She finished with a chuckle. Twilight ignored her pink friend and stepped forwards, looking at her friends before turning around to face Grandpa. "Yeah, he's a bit rough around the edges, but it's probably because he's in an unfamiliar environment and misses his home," Twilight said sympathetically, remembering her first time coming to Ponyville after moving away from Canterlot. Grandpa meanwhile sniffed the air with a look of disgust on his face before looking to Twilight. "The hell you mean I'm 'rough'?" He asked. "I'm smooth as fuckin' silk. Best be careful or you'll slide out of your seat. And what the hell is that smell?" He asked, sniffing the air again. "I can practically taste the meth in the air. And I thought you were bringing me here to find that pharmaciss? I just loaded my last pamper." The mane six stared at him with expressions that could only be described as confusion, amazement, befuddlement, and slight curiosity. Rarity tapped on Twilight's shoulder, getting her attention. "Darling, I assume you "offered" to help this poor... fellow... find his way home, correct?" Twilight nodded. "And I am also assuming you volunteered us to help out as well, yes?" Twilight nodded again and Rarity sighed. "Very well, I suppose we should get started then. It may take a while and the sooner we can get him home, the less corrupted our younger and more "impressionable" ones will become. Agreed?" Twilight nodded once more. "I'm right there with ya' Rarity," she responded, looking to Grandpa who was now sitting down and being questioned by a group of young colts and fillies and throwing out a swear word every other syllable as he spoke. Twilight frowned. "The sooner we get him home, the better." With everyone in agreement, they began the long and arduous quest to get Grandpa home before he could corrupt the youthful minds of their young foals. This was going to take a while... Two days later... Location: Sugar Cube Corner "Here Grandpa! Try this cake!" It had been two days since everypony began the task of finding Grandpa a way home. He sat in Sugar Cube Corner with Pinkie, who was urging him to try some of the sweets the shop had to offer. Grandpa didn't succumb easily, however. "I don't want no damn cake, Pink one! Stop askin'!" He responded, pushing the treat away from his mouth. "Come on!" She urged more, pushing it towards him again. "Just try it!" "No!" He said, pushing it away again. "This sweetie gonna give you diabetie!" He continued, pointing a finger at her. "Pleeeeaasssee??" She asked sweetly. "Just a *tiny* nibble?" "No means no! Now you can take this cake and shove it 'you know where' Az- Ccchhh..." Grandpa attempted to say, but was cut off as Pinkie promptly shoved the pastry into his mouth. After removing it and coughing a bit, some cake still left on his mouth, Grandpa was able to speak once more. "Good job, you just triggered a Mardi Gras flashback. Boy that was one hell of a drug trip. I remember drinking a funny tasting tea, then waking up in my underwear with "Jamaal's Bitch" tattooed across my ass and a phone number written on my arm with the caption "For a good time, call:..." Pinkie was frozen in place as she listened to the bizarre tale Grandpa retold to her. She did not know how to respond to that. There were a lot of doozies her Pinkie Sense could detect, but this one was off the radar and, quite literally, took the cake. "That number is now my number one speed dial on my phone." One Week Later... Location: Town Market "Hey Grandpa! Check out this comic!" Grandpa was in the town market with Spike, Twilight's number one dragon assistant. He was somehow entrusted with the task of baby-sitting the little flamethrower as Twilight worked to find Grandpa a way home. She had given him some walking around money to buy whatever they wanted/needed, just so long as they didn't disturb her. They were currently exploring the "Fiction and Collectibles" section of the market. Grandpa turned around to see the little dragon holding up a comic entitled "Power Ponies", whatever that was. The great thing about being a grandpa is that you got to say 'no' to everything and others had to listen. "Put that book back, boy, I ain' not buyin' ya' shit!" Spike harumphed, but obeyed and put the comic back. But immediately turned back around with a 5'' Mane-iac collectible action figure. "What about this?" He asked hopefully. "Put it back, boy. That thing wouldn't even make a decent butt plug." Grandpa retorted. Spike finally had enough of his constant denying him of everything and his attitude. He reeled back and with a good crack of his wrist flung the action figure directly at Grandpa. The toy hit him squarely in the forehead and bounced off with a 'thunk', causing him to stumble a bit. "Op! Try me Bitch!" Grandpa challenged, putting his hands on his hips. Author's Note Now we have reached the point in the story where it becomes like a true "Grandpa HATES" video by Brandon Rogers. Random cuts with random dialogue with some traces of story scattered about. These jumps are going to be for laughs and chuckles. ATTENTION!! This story was meant to entertain and get a few "yucks" out of everyone who so chooses to read it. It is not meant to offend or single out any one individual. If you do not like this kind of humor, then I will tell the gunman holding the barrel to your head to take some of the pressure off and let you read freely of whatever you want. Thank you to all who favorited, liked, commented (and hopefully followed) this story! I don't expect it to be a long one, somewhere around 3 to 4 chapters of about 1,000-2,000 words each, possibly less, unless I can think of more funny material. This was mainly a first attempt at a comedy fic, but also I noticed an EXTREME lack of Grandpa on the sight. So, here you go! Thank you all once more and remember to Stay Beautiful Nightmare Night - "And Your Mammy Is TOO!!"Nightmare Night Carousel Boutique "What the hell am I doing inside a giant Merry-Go-Round? Last time I was on one of those I lost my lunch, and not through my mouth neither..." Grandpa asked Rarity. Rarity looked up from her sketchpad she was drawing on for a new line of clothing and focused her attention on Grandpa. "Well darling," she began, "Twilight needed some quiet time to work on figuring out a way to send you home, so I generously offered to watch you while she problems it out. Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do." Rarity responded. "Oh! And there will be Nightmare Nighters stopping by to ask for candy. So when they arrive could you keep your... vulgarity... to a minimum please?" She asked, almost on the verge of begging. "Whateva," He said, waving her off. DING DONG Grandpa got up from his chair and answered the door. He saw a small pegasus colt outside in a cute Mane-iac henchpony outfit. The colt had seemed excited to get some candy until he saw who was at the door. He immediately lost his smile. "Uhm... Tr-Trick or Tre-eat?" He said. "Oh and what are you supposed to be? An accident?" Grandpa asked. Rarity overheard this statement and gasped loudly, mouth gaping. Luckily the colt didn't seem to understand what Grandpa was implying and just stared with a blank, confused face. Rarity stepped up beside Grandpa to take control of the situation. "Ha ha! Here you go little darling! A whole bag of candy just for you! Run along now dear, your costume is absolutely adorable!" Rarity said in a nervous tone, giving the colt an entire bag of candy, just as promised. The smile immediately returning to his face, he thanked her and ran off. Rarity closed the door behind him and glared daggers at Grandpa. "Are. You. Out. Of! Your! MIND!?" She asked him. "Kinda hard to be out of your mind if you were never in it to begin with," He stated matter-of-factly. Rarity breathed a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of her nasal. She suddenly perked up as a brilliant idea struck her. She floated over a piece of paper with her magic and handed it to Grandpa. "That's some spooky ass ghost shit right there!" He exclaimed. Rarity ignored him and continued executing her plan. "Now darling, this is a list of materials that I need you to go to the market and pick up for me. It is only a few *tiny* things. Shouldn't take more than an hour or so!" She said happily, hoping he takes the bait. Grandpa took the list and read it over. "The hell is a W-... Wat-Waterco-" "Watercolor, darling," Rarity cut in, "It is coloring materials for sketches and the such!" "Sounds like a freaky sex position, like the French oven mitt." Rarity had no comment for that. She quickly ushered Grandpa out the door, much to his protest, and closed it. She slumped down against the door and blew a strand of stray hair out of her face. "When will this nightmare be over!" She whined. Town Market Grandpa walked around the market, collecting the materials that white unicorn supposedly needed. A bypassing pony pulling a cart bumped Grandpa's side and sent him sprawling to the ground. "Watch where you're goin' azhole!" Grandpa shouted to him. The pony stopped, turned around, looked Grandpa in the eye, and blew a raspberry at him. This set Grandpa off even more. "You wanna get your shit pushed in!? My pimp hand is itchin' and I'm 'bout to scratch it with the side of your head!" He said, attempting to get up. The pony took off at a run. The dust getting kicked up caused Grandpa to cough and fall back on his butt. "Oh! There went a hemorrhoid!" He looked at the pony running away from him. He cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled, "You's a bitch and your mammy is too!!" Carousel Boutique "Every Halloween I have the same god damn nightmare. I goblin tries to eat out my azhole!" The mane 6 all looked at Grandpa with wide-eyed shock. They had all congregated at Rarity's boutique to swap stories and celebrate the holiday after all the colts and fillies had gotten their sacks of candies and went home for bedtime. They each took a turn swapping stories with one another and sharing a laugh together... until it got to Grandpa's turn. "Hey... Um... Grandpa?" A voice called from upstairs. Everyone turned to see Sweetie Belle just at the top of the steps. "Would you... um.... c-come up h-here for a second?" She asked hesitantly, then ran back in her room. Everyone looked to Grandpa in surprise who sat there, dumbfounded. "Oh fuck me right in the azhole," He stated, getting up. "You want me to tell ya'll what? A BEDTIME story?" Grandpa stood in the doorway of Sweetie Belle's room, not moving, as he listened to the request of the three fillies in the bed. The all nodded their heads in unison. "Alright, but it's gonna have to be a spooky one since it's the Halloween times... supposedly...." Grandpa walked over to the bed, sat on the edge right next to the orange one of the three fillies, and began his story. The three Crusaders all took interest in what he was saying, even though they didn't understand most of it. For some reason most of the youngest ones of all the ponies took an interest in Grandpa and what he had to say, but the adults didn't appreciate his language and humor one bit. As evidenced by all the mares visiting Rarity's house listening in at the door to the room. Grandpa had a flashlight shining under his jaw to give his face scary shadowy features. His story was nearly over. "And then the dead prostitute said to the man, 'You might want to get yourself checked for Hepatitis B'," he said in a spooky sounding voice, " and-". Just at that moment, Grandpa's flashlight died. "Fuck," he cursed, looking down at the busted tool and smacking it, hoping that would get it to turn back on. No such luck. "Shit," he muttered. "Oh well, that's it for the story times. Now ya'll go on ta' sleep. Don't make me mix that sleeping powder into a glass of milk again like I had to do last time," he scolded. "Alright," the three fillies said sadly in unison. Grandpa got up and walked towards the door of the bedroom, all the mares outside scampering off downstairs as quietly as possible. He opened the door and walked through the threshold, flipping the light switch off as he passed by it. He closed the door behind himself and began to walk downstairs to the main lobby of the Merry-Go-Round shaped house. He paused and gave one last glance to the door over his shoulder, then turned back and continued walking, shaking his head. "I am so fucked," He said, taking out a cigarette and attempted to light it. "I just hope I'm lubed up when it happens." Hearths Warming Eve - "You Can Stick This Candy Cane You Know Where!"Hearths Warming Eve Twilight's Castle Grandpa slept peacefully around the tree for Hearth's Warming Eve, a fire burning close by keeping the nightmares at bay. He looked almost like an angel.... ALMOST.... He had passed out earlier that night after partaking in too much of the "holiday spirit." He snorted and rolled over onto his back, a serene smile played across his lips as he snoozed. It seemed as if nothing could disturb his rest.... until a trio of trouble making fillies tip-hoofed into the room. Later that evening... Grandpa snorted once again and awoke with a start. "Fuck!" He exclaimed. He tried to move, but found that he couldn't. Looking down his body, Grandpa noticed that he was wrapped up in wrapping paper; a little bow sat atop his head to add insult to injury. He started struggling to break free of his festive prison. "I've been holly-jollied!" He shouted to no one in particular. "When I get out of this, someone's gonna swallow their teeth!" The three fillies heard this threat from down the hall. The trio looked to one another in a nervous panic, an audible "gulp" could be heard from them. They ran off to look for cover from Grandpa's wrath, hearing one final exclamation from the raging old man. "Who the hell stole my pamper?!" A mischievous orange pegasus filly chuckled slightly as the trio ran. It was always hilarious to see Grandpa angry. Sugar Cube Corner "PPPFFTT!! The hell am I drinkin'?! It tastes like the water from Satan's piss-pot!" Grandpa shouted, getting looks from the few patrons that had no where to be on Hearths Warming Eve. Pinkie was resting her head on her hoof, which was resting on the table below it. There was something off about Pinkie's aura. She looked.... bored. She looked to the stray hair in her face and blew it away before responding. "It's a soda, Grandpa," Pinkie replied monotonically, "Haven't you ever had one before?" Grandpa took another quick sip of the drink, made a sour face of disapproval, and spat it back out. "I've had soda before , but I've never had any that made me want to lick a dog's azhole just to get the taste out of my mouth!" Pinkie exhausted a little sigh and began making circular motions on the table with her free hoof, wondering when her shift to watch Grandpa would be over. Fluttershy, who sat another table across from the duo, saw the disarray and sorrow on Pinkie's face. Being the Element of Kindness, she decided to absolve Pinkie of her agony. She timidly trotted up to the pony-human pair and cleared her throat, gaining their attention. "Um, Pinkie? I would be glad to, um, you know... t-take Grandpa off your hooves for a while... if you don't mind," She managed to squeak out, hiding behind her mane. The spark in Pinkie's eye soon returned, along with a wide ear to ear grin to insinuate her happiness. She scooped Fluttershy up in a bone-crushing hug and bounced the two of them around with joy. "Yes! YES! Please!! Take him!! I'm not sure if I can-!" Pinkie halted in the middle of her words as soon as she realized what she was saying. Here she was, the Element of Laughter, who had fought Timberwolves and Dragons and even a FREAKIN' Demon lord from TARTARUS and was still somehow able to maintain her happy-go-lucky attitude, was being brought down by this old man from another world who just had a bit of a bad habit of swearing and other.... things... Pinkie looked to the other shop-goers, who stared at her with blank expressions, and put on a sheepish smile. She gently set Fluttershy down and chuckled nervously. "I, uh, mean, th-that's very KIND of you Fluttershy!! It sure would be helpful! I think I am behind on my daily cupcake quota anyways, so this will be a HUGE help!" Pinkie lowered her head and let out a small "thank you" before trotting behind the counter and into the kitchen. Fluttershy watched the two shutter doors close behind the pink pony before slowly turning her head back to look at Grandpa, who was staring at her with great intent. She gulped. "Fffffffffudge..." She whispered. Fluttershy's Cottage "What the hell is this thing!? An abomination of God??" Grandpa shouted, holding up a long and very thin rodent. The little animal seemed frightened, apparent by it's constant shivering. "That's a ferret, Grandpa," Fluttershy replied, worry mixed in with her voice, "and they are very timid creatures. They can get frightened pretty easily, so if you wouldn't mind, c-could you speak a *tiny* bit softer?" Fluttershy seemed ready to break down and take the ferret back from Grandpa. She thought her wish had been granted when he didn't respond for a few seconds as he examined the furry friend. The cream colored mare made to breathe a sigh of relief.... until Grandpa's next words threw her hopes out the window. "I think this thing might be constipated, it keeps shaking," he said, bordering on a yell. The ferret shivered violently one last time, covered its eyes with its paws, and went still. Grandpa felt something drop into his lap and looked down to investigate. He saw a couple of spherical, brown balls resting on his pants and a little on his yellow shirt. Fluttershy blushed profusely. "Hey, chocolate! I usually don't eat candy, but since it's the Christmas times I guess I could splurge a little." Grandpa set the ferret on the floor, which ran off immediately, and began reaching down for the supposed chocolate balls to sample one. Fluttershy sighed sadly. "Happy Hearths Warming Eve everypony," she said to herself as Grandpa coughed and gagged in the background and claimed to have been poisoned. Author's Note ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................gross....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Hearts and Hooves Day - "F*ck Diabetes..."Hearts and Hooves Day - "F*ck Diabetes..." Town Square "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try some of this?" Dash asked him. Grandpa looked over and saw she was holding a box of candy. He frowned at the cyan pegasus, getting somewhat agitated. "What did I tell you about the candy?" Dash hoofed Grandpa the box anyways. He inspected the box with disdain. "I can't shove this up my ass..." Dash face-hoofed, slumped down, and sighed in defeat. How much longer was it going to take before Twilight figured out how to send him home? Sugar Cube Corner "HEY THERE GRANDPA!!" "HOLY FUCK SHIT!!" Pinkie surprised Grandpa in her usual manner of greeting any other patron of Sugar Cube Corner, by being herself. Grandpa, however, still wasn't use to her energetic nature. He clutched his chest a glared daggers at the pink mare. "What did I tell you about jumping out at me?! I about unleashed my Tai-Kwon-Jitsu on you!" Pinkie stopped bouncing in mid-air and fell to the ground. She grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. "Aww jeez, I'm sorry Grandpa. I keep forgetting that you are the 'quiet type'," She said, making air quotes with her hooves. "But anyways, I was wondering if you would like to come to the Hearts and Hooves Day Candy Fest? There will be rides, and games, and best of all.... CANDY!!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing up and down again. Grandpa had no idea what she was talking about, as usual, but there was a mention of candy, and he wasn't about that. Nope. Not at all. Not one bit. "For the last god damn ti-" "TOO LATE!!!" Grandpa didn't have time to finish his response as Pinkie had grabbed his hand and was dragging him along out the door and into the streets of Ponyville. It seemed like Grandpa was going to the Farts and Chodes Day Candy Fest, or whatever the pink one said, after all. Either way, it was gonna be a bad time. Hearts and Hooves Day Candy Fest "I wanna hang myself," Grandpa stated. Every which way he looked there were couples and sweethearts everywhere indulging in the festivities going on around them. Game booths were set up for the colts to win a prize for their sweeties, Ferris wheels and roller coasters inhabited the grounds of the festival, and, best of all as Pinkie called it. Free. Candy. EVERYWHERE!!! Pinkie beamed as brightly as the sun. A smile splitting her face from ear to ear as she glanced around at all the happy faces and lovey doveyness going on. The only one who didn't seem to be having a good time was Grandpa. Well, Pinkie was about to fix that. "Aww, don't be like that Grandpa. Come on! Let's go on some rides!!" Without being given a chance to respond, Pinkie once again grabbed his hand with her hoof and pulled him towards one of the rides, called the "Twirly Whirly". A ride that consisted of five arms sprouting from a center mechanism, each having three cars for passengers to sit in. The arms spun the cars in a circle, and the cars had their own rotation as well, all adding up to an amazing 720 degrees spin. (More or less) They got in line and waited their turn. "You know, my first wife and I rode something like this on our first date," Grandpa retold to Pinkie, who sat across from him, "She's a ghost now!" He said a little TOO happily. "I sometimes see her in my dreams, and I have to say, she still looks like a Ho." Pinkie grinned and nodded her head nervously, trying her best to keep her focus on the ride, and failing. Grandpa's stories were just too bizarre. They were almost crazy enough to match up to Pinkie's randomness, or at least be equivalent. "I haven't touched a piece of candy in, well, since that time at Disneyland," Grandpa reminisced as he admired the wide selection of candies and treats, "But I suppose one little piece couldn't hurt. It just better not be that shitty trick candy the yellow one gave me," He stated with a drip of venom in his voice. Pinkie was confused by this statement. The only "yellow one" that she could possibly think of that Grandpa might be talking about is Fluttershy, but she is too fragile to ever pull a prank or trick someone. She would be eaten up by the guilt of even THINKING about trying something that could possibly humiliate or harm somepony before ever getting a chance to put the plan into action. Pinkie didn't dwell on the thought for too long though as she focused on Grandpa. She watched with bated breath as he picked up a piece of candy and brought it up to his mouth. Her eyes widened and her smile grew wider as he popped the treat inside and began to chew. Ponyville. Take cover. Pinkie has made many mistakes in her life. Some big. Some small. But who hasn't? It is the nature of being a bright, technicolor, talking pony with a constant sugar rush and positive attitude. So yes. She has made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes until she ceases to exist. But this one mistake that occurred today that she had complete and total control over would be the worst she ever makes. And what mistake would that be I hear you ask? She allowed Grandpa to eat some candy. .........holy hell.... EveryoNE HIT THE DECwdlgjkfsd9u80d9]0[aiklmw earng piubaevisod' pls;dfekgfysuhkjgenvwoijjfedshgea;oijtpo[k[doa;lfkv;ln icowl;s.,dm./vsmdfl;k tugpioejf;dkpfgtrwmsg;tnuhkrd..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................run...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................save yourself...................................................................................................................................................................... "Outta my way! I'm a real Grandpa!!" Putting the "Good" in "Goodbye"Author's Note Hello everyone!! Sorry this final chapter took so long to get out, but things got in the way of my writing. Things such as: 1. School 2. Trying to get my YT channel started back up 3. A NEW project I have been working on behind the scenes and should be getting released here soon(ish). Once again, sorry for the delay, but I found some free time today and decided it was time to wrap this story up. Thank you all for being so patient and I hope this story brought you much joy for the time it did. Thank you once again for reading, liking, commenting and faving. I'll see you all in the next story! Remember to Stay Beautiful! Putting the "Good" in "Goodbye" "I've done it, everyone! After months of extensive research, I have finally figured out how to send Grandpa back to his own world!" Twilight stood before her friends in the Castle of Friendship, her announcement an apparent shock to all those gathered. None of them seemed to be disappointed however. More so they were too ecstatic to say anything. It was hard for any of them to say that they would miss Grandpa, but they did have a few decent times. But now, it was finally time to say goodbye. "Alrighty then, let's go fin' Grandpa and tell 'im th' good news," Applejack declared, gaining nods of approval. "Quite right, it is about time we sent him home back to his own family so that he can... stop harassing ours..." Rarity added, dreading the months it would take to purge her little sister's mind of all the naughty words Grandpa filled it with. Rarity huffed and blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. "Right, and the sooner it happens, the better," Twilight agreed, "Now, all of you go find Grandpa, and I'll get the spell ready." All the mares in the room nodded and set out to hunt down Grandpa and bring him to Twilight. They figured it wouldn't be that hard. All they had to do was look for the ponies running away from something and go that direction. Easy as cake. Finding Grandpa was easier than cake, thanks to his loud and boisterous nature. The five mares had corralled him back to Twilight, who was ready with the open portal. Grandpa stood before it, adjusting his glasses to get a better look, already been made aware that this was his ticket back home. The portal swirled in a clockwise motion, suspended in midair, and could only be seen from one side. Its colors consisted of light blue with a greenish tint, its structure continuously fluctuating. "Holy hell, this reminds of that one bad PCP trip I had," he said. The girls all groaned one last irritated sigh. Grandpa turned around to them, their faces one of untainted happiness. Pinkie was the only one who really smiled at him and waved while the rest opted to just waving. Grandpa sniffed and lifted his middle finger at them. "Fuck ya'll, I'm out." And with that, he promptly turned back to the portal and fell into it. Grandpa screamed as he tumbled through the brightly colored void, the entire time Vietnam and Woodstock flashbacks appeared in his mind as he continuously tumbled, tumbled through a rip in time and space. Finally, Grandpa impacted something solid and blacked out. Brandon Rogers jolted awake in his bed and looked frantically about his room. He was still there, still alive, and definitely not Grandpa or in a world of technicolor talking ponies. He wiped his face and found that he had been sweating profusely even though he had slept nude. He blew out a sigh of relief and fell back down onto his pillow. "Phew! It was just a nightmare," he said to himself, relaxing back into his bed and trying to fall asleep again. "I wouldn't be too sure about that..." A voice said to his right. Brandon's eyes shot back open and turned his head to the right. There sat a purple alicorn, the one known as Twilight in his dream, reading a book. She scratched her chin in concentration as she read through the tome. "I think something went wrong with my calculations," she said to herself. Brandon gripped the covers, turned his head back to the ceiling, and screamed until the sun rose. His nightmare had just begun. Welcome To Eques- "Shut up, Slut!!"Grandpa looked around at his surroundings, confusion and unease swirling inside his already extremely confused mind. One second he was shopping in Target with his grandson, then the next thing he knew was that he was standing on the outskirts of some town surrounded on all sides by trees and mountains as far as the eye could see. Grandpa did not know how to react. He never remembered going to some dumb colorful world in the middle of god knows where. There was a familiar sense to it though, like he had been dragged here by his grandson before. And then it hit him... "When the FUCK did I get to Disneyland again?" After announcing his confusion, Grandpa began tromping off in a random direction into some nearby woods. He didn't have a motive or reason, he was just Grandpa being Grandpa. He walked through some tall brush and low-hanging branches, constantly getting smacked in the face with leaves and cursing out loud as he tried to shake them away. "All these trees trying to steal my oxygen!" Just as he said that, another branch smacked him in the face, HARD, knocking him to the ground. "God Dammit!" He exclaimed, "Where the hell's that pharmaciss when you need 'em?" Grandpa struggled to his knees and to a standing position, taking in his surroundings. "Shit," he breathed, "I shoulda brought more pampers..." He said as he loaded them. A rustling from the bush behind him caught his attention and out popped a rabbit that inspected him with caution. He adjusted his glasses and examined it back. "You're not my grandson!" He shouted. Frightened, the bunny hopped away back into the brush and away from the old man. Grandpa gave chase to the little rabbit. "Get back here you little asshole! You tell me where the pharmaciss is at!" Grandpa shouted after the bunny. Grandpa eventually came to a clearing after he lost the rabbit in a wild goose chase (or BUNNY chase in this instance) and muttered a few other obscenities. "The hell am I now? This ain't Holland?" Grandpa looked around the field he was in, saw nothing, and slumped his shoulders. "Aw fuc' me righ' in the azhole..." He then trudged off in the direction of what he hoped was the town knowing he would have a better chance of finding the pharmacist there... and hopefully some more pampers. "Hello!" A strange girly voiced called out to him. Grandpa jumped and exclaimed, "What the holy hell was that?" He looked around for what could have been the source of the voice, but saw nothing but trees and the occasional wildlife. "God dammit I'm hearing voices again! I need ta' stop swipin' the oldest ones Oxies..." "Down here!" The voice called out again. Grandpa looked down and about had another heart attack from what he saw. A small purple horse with wings, a horn, and ridiculously big eyes, making it look like a character from one of those dumb "animes" the youngest one watches. Grandpa knelt down to get a closer look, adjusting his glasses. "Well damn," he began, "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore. I've been bibbity bobbity booped to Neverland!" He exclaimed in horror. The small horse giggled. "You have a funny way of talking, stranger!" The pony held out her hoof. "My name's Twilight! Twilight Sparkle. And you are?" Grandpa took a moment to process what he was hearing while trying to decide if this was the best or the worst acid trip he's ever had. He looked to the hoof held out to him, then back to the pony. "I'd rather not, I might catch the diabetes," he stated. Twilight raised an eyebrow at that, but lowered her hoof anyways. "Who's 'diabetes'?" She asked. "The hell is that suppos' to mean?" Grandpa asked her a little angrily, taking a step forward. "I may be old, but I've been through three world wars and still have some ass kicking left in me!" The pair stared at each other for a long while, neither making a move. After a minute or so, Grandpa continued on towards the town with Twilight following him at a distance. "Watch yourself!" He warned Twilight, pointing at her for emphasis. Twilight trotted up next to him, a bit caught off guard that he was going to kick a donkey. "Will do!" She said almost too cheerfully. "So you don't look like your from around these parts, stranger? Where did you come from?" Twilight gasped. "Are you an alien?" She said, getting in his face. "The fuck did you just call me?" He asked, offended. "Just because I came into America hidden in the back of an 1827 El Durado with seven Mexicans doesn't make me an 'alien'!" "Oh, so you're from Amareica?" Twilight asked. "No shit, dumbfuck!" Grandpa retorted. "Twilight..." She deadpanned. "What about it?" Grandpa asked, making Twilight raise another eyebrow. "That piece of shit movie. I saw it in the theaters with my grand kids and very nearly downed my entire bottle of pain pills just to escape that nightmare. I would rather get fucked in the ass by Bubba down at the local penitentiary than see that trash again. My niece seemed to really enjoy it though..." Twilight was at a loss for words. She closed her mouth that she didn't realize was hanging open, most likely because of his colorful vocabulary, and tried to assess the situation. "No! MY name is Twilight!" She huffed. "Your parents must have really hated you then," Grandpa replied absentmindedly. Twilight's blood was at a boil. She could handle the bad words and name calling, but NO ONE talks bad on her parents. She was about to blow her gasket until she remembered the secret technique Cadence taught her when she was younger to calm herself. She put her hoof in front of her chest and slowly exhaled as she moved her hoof out in front of herself. She felt immediately calmer and more relaxed now. She never understood how that calming technique worked so well. She didn't linger on it too long, opting to put on a smile, albeit a clenched jaw smile, and tried to remain as hospitable as possible to her new guest that seemed to be from another world apparently and was raising her blood pressure ever so slowly. "I can assure you, sir, that my parents loved me very much. I was named after my mother." Grandpa semi-ignored her and responded, "Call me Grandpa if you want. Every other fuck does..." Twilight just shook her head and pinched her nasal bridge in frustration. After walking for a bit they emerged from the woods to directly the outskirts of a small town, their intended destination. "Come on Grandpa! I see the town! I'll introduce you to my friends and we'll help figure out a way to get you back home to your world. I know you're not from ours because I don't think I've ever seen your species ANYWHERE in our world!" She beamed happily. "Whateva'..." He replied. "What is that town anyways? Looks like a hurricane having butt sex with a twister came through there..." "Yeah, the town is a bit of a fixer-upper..." Twilight said sadly, ignoring his comparison, but immediately perked up. "But it's my home and I love it! Welcome to Ponyville, Grandpa!" Grandpa froze at that and took a good amount of time to examine the place he was walking into. Far off he saw some sort of farm with a road leading to it and a house made entirely out of clouds floating above the town. But the worse thing he saw most of all was tons of multi-colored horses bustling about the small town and commuting with one another. For the longest time he wasn't able to get any words to form, but finally conjured one word after taking everything in. "Fuck..."
Diabetes Can Kiss My Azhole!"And this is Sugar Cube Corner, Grandpa! Those are my friends over there!" Twilight told Grandpa, waving over to her friends who waved back, slightly in shock of the new visitor she had brought with her. Grandpa just looked around the Confectionery store at all the patrons staring at him. Pastries and cakes frozen halfway to the mouths of awestruck ponies with eyes the size of dinner plates and pupils no bigger than pinpricks. Grandpa thought that all of this was really gay. "There's no way any of this can be real... I bet my wife Claretta spiked my coffee again. The slut!!" Grandpa looked down at a filly unicorn who gazed at him with shocked curiosity. "The hell you lookin' at?" Grandpa yelled at her. "D'you want me to throw my dirty pampers at you? That'd be a two-in-one bomb there!" The filly scampered off out the doors of the cakery, most likely running home to her parents. "Ahem," Applejack coughed, getting Twilight's attention, "Who's yur new frien' there Twi?" She asked. "He's c'rtainly got a way wit' words," She said with a nervous laugh. Pinkie bounded up and freaked the hell out of Grandpa. "I like him. Cause he reminds me of me," Pinkie stated, getting confused glances from the others. Pinkie decided to elaborate. "In that he's random, like ME!!" She squealed, bouncing in place for a bit before calming down to continue. "Not the different television ratings of our vocabulary," She finished with a chuckle. Twilight ignored her pink friend and stepped forwards, looking at her friends before turning around to face Grandpa. "Yeah, he's a bit rough around the edges, but it's probably because he's in an unfamiliar environment and misses his home," Twilight said sympathetically, remembering her first time coming to Ponyville after moving away from Canterlot. Grandpa meanwhile sniffed the air with a look of disgust on his face before looking to Twilight. "The hell you mean I'm 'rough'?" He asked. "I'm smooth as fuckin' silk. Best be careful or you'll slide out of your seat. And what the hell is that smell?" He asked, sniffing the air again. "I can practically taste the meth in the air. And I thought you were bringing me here to find that pharmaciss? I just loaded my last pamper." The mane six stared at him with expressions that could only be described as confusion, amazement, befuddlement, and slight curiosity. Rarity tapped on Twilight's shoulder, getting her attention. "Darling, I assume you "offered" to help this poor... fellow... find his way home, correct?" Twilight nodded. "And I am also assuming you volunteered us to help out as well, yes?" Twilight nodded again and Rarity sighed. "Very well, I suppose we should get started then. It may take a while and the sooner we can get him home, the less corrupted our younger and more "impressionable" ones will become. Agreed?" Twilight nodded once more. "I'm right there with ya' Rarity," she responded, looking to Grandpa who was now sitting down and being questioned by a group of young colts and fillies and throwing out a swear word every other syllable as he spoke. Twilight frowned. "The sooner we get him home, the better." With everyone in agreement, they began the long and arduous quest to get Grandpa home before he could corrupt the youthful minds of their young foals. This was going to take a while... Two days later... Location: Sugar Cube Corner "Here Grandpa! Try this cake!" It had been two days since everypony began the task of finding Grandpa a way home. He sat in Sugar Cube Corner with Pinkie, who was urging him to try some of the sweets the shop had to offer. Grandpa didn't succumb easily, however. "I don't want no damn cake, Pink one! Stop askin'!" He responded, pushing the treat away from his mouth. "Come on!" She urged more, pushing it towards him again. "Just try it!" "No!" He said, pushing it away again. "This sweetie gonna give you diabetie!" He continued, pointing a finger at her. "Pleeeeaasssee??" She asked sweetly. "Just a *tiny* nibble?" "No means no! Now you can take this cake and shove it 'you know where' Az- Ccchhh..." Grandpa attempted to say, but was cut off as Pinkie promptly shoved the pastry into his mouth. After removing it and coughing a bit, some cake still left on his mouth, Grandpa was able to speak once more. "Good job, you just triggered a Mardi Gras flashback. Boy that was one hell of a drug trip. I remember drinking a funny tasting tea, then waking up in my underwear with "Jamaal's Bitch" tattooed across my ass and a phone number written on my arm with the caption "For a good time, call:..." Pinkie was frozen in place as she listened to the bizarre tale Grandpa retold to her. She did not know how to respond to that. There were a lot of doozies her Pinkie Sense could detect, but this one was off the radar and, quite literally, took the cake. "That number is now my number one speed dial on my phone." One Week Later... Location: Town Market "Hey Grandpa! Check out this comic!" Grandpa was in the town market with Spike, Twilight's number one dragon assistant. He was somehow entrusted with the task of baby-sitting the little flamethrower as Twilight worked to find Grandpa a way home. She had given him some walking around money to buy whatever they wanted/needed, just so long as they didn't disturb her. They were currently exploring the "Fiction and Collectibles" section of the market. Grandpa turned around to see the little dragon holding up a comic entitled "Power Ponies", whatever that was. The great thing about being a grandpa is that you got to say 'no' to everything and others had to listen. "Put that book back, boy, I ain' not buyin' ya' shit!" Spike harumphed, but obeyed and put the comic back. But immediately turned back around with a 5'' Mane-iac collectible action figure. "What about this?" He asked hopefully. "Put it back, boy. That thing wouldn't even make a decent butt plug." Grandpa retorted. Spike finally had enough of his constant denying him of everything and his attitude. He reeled back and with a good crack of his wrist flung the action figure directly at Grandpa. The toy hit him squarely in the forehead and bounced off with a 'thunk', causing him to stumble a bit. "Op! Try me Bitch!" Grandpa challenged, putting his hands on his hips. Author's Note Now we have reached the point in the story where it becomes like a true "Grandpa HATES" video by Brandon Rogers. Random cuts with random dialogue with some traces of story scattered about. These jumps are going to be for laughs and chuckles. ATTENTION!! This story was meant to entertain and get a few "yucks" out of everyone who so chooses to read it. It is not meant to offend or single out any one individual. If you do not like this kind of humor, then I will tell the gunman holding the barrel to your head to take some of the pressure off and let you read freely of whatever you want. Thank you to all who favorited, liked, commented (and hopefully followed) this story! I don't expect it to be a long one, somewhere around 3 to 4 chapters of about 1,000-2,000 words each, possibly less, unless I can think of more funny material. This was mainly a first attempt at a comedy fic, but also I noticed an EXTREME lack of Grandpa on the sight. So, here you go! Thank you all once more and remember to Stay Beautiful
Nightmare Night - "And Your Mammy Is TOO!!"Nightmare Night Carousel Boutique "What the hell am I doing inside a giant Merry-Go-Round? Last time I was on one of those I lost my lunch, and not through my mouth neither..." Grandpa asked Rarity. Rarity looked up from her sketchpad she was drawing on for a new line of clothing and focused her attention on Grandpa. "Well darling," she began, "Twilight needed some quiet time to work on figuring out a way to send you home, so I generously offered to watch you while she problems it out. Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do." Rarity responded. "Oh! And there will be Nightmare Nighters stopping by to ask for candy. So when they arrive could you keep your... vulgarity... to a minimum please?" She asked, almost on the verge of begging. "Whateva," He said, waving her off. DING DONG Grandpa got up from his chair and answered the door. He saw a small pegasus colt outside in a cute Mane-iac henchpony outfit. The colt had seemed excited to get some candy until he saw who was at the door. He immediately lost his smile. "Uhm... Tr-Trick or Tre-eat?" He said. "Oh and what are you supposed to be? An accident?" Grandpa asked. Rarity overheard this statement and gasped loudly, mouth gaping. Luckily the colt didn't seem to understand what Grandpa was implying and just stared with a blank, confused face. Rarity stepped up beside Grandpa to take control of the situation. "Ha ha! Here you go little darling! A whole bag of candy just for you! Run along now dear, your costume is absolutely adorable!" Rarity said in a nervous tone, giving the colt an entire bag of candy, just as promised. The smile immediately returning to his face, he thanked her and ran off. Rarity closed the door behind him and glared daggers at Grandpa. "Are. You. Out. Of! Your! MIND!?" She asked him. "Kinda hard to be out of your mind if you were never in it to begin with," He stated matter-of-factly. Rarity breathed a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of her nasal. She suddenly perked up as a brilliant idea struck her. She floated over a piece of paper with her magic and handed it to Grandpa. "That's some spooky ass ghost shit right there!" He exclaimed. Rarity ignored him and continued executing her plan. "Now darling, this is a list of materials that I need you to go to the market and pick up for me. It is only a few *tiny* things. Shouldn't take more than an hour or so!" She said happily, hoping he takes the bait. Grandpa took the list and read it over. "The hell is a W-... Wat-Waterco-" "Watercolor, darling," Rarity cut in, "It is coloring materials for sketches and the such!" "Sounds like a freaky sex position, like the French oven mitt." Rarity had no comment for that. She quickly ushered Grandpa out the door, much to his protest, and closed it. She slumped down against the door and blew a strand of stray hair out of her face. "When will this nightmare be over!" She whined. Town Market Grandpa walked around the market, collecting the materials that white unicorn supposedly needed. A bypassing pony pulling a cart bumped Grandpa's side and sent him sprawling to the ground. "Watch where you're goin' azhole!" Grandpa shouted to him. The pony stopped, turned around, looked Grandpa in the eye, and blew a raspberry at him. This set Grandpa off even more. "You wanna get your shit pushed in!? My pimp hand is itchin' and I'm 'bout to scratch it with the side of your head!" He said, attempting to get up. The pony took off at a run. The dust getting kicked up caused Grandpa to cough and fall back on his butt. "Oh! There went a hemorrhoid!" He looked at the pony running away from him. He cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled, "You's a bitch and your mammy is too!!" Carousel Boutique "Every Halloween I have the same god damn nightmare. I goblin tries to eat out my azhole!" The mane 6 all looked at Grandpa with wide-eyed shock. They had all congregated at Rarity's boutique to swap stories and celebrate the holiday after all the colts and fillies had gotten their sacks of candies and went home for bedtime. They each took a turn swapping stories with one another and sharing a laugh together... until it got to Grandpa's turn. "Hey... Um... Grandpa?" A voice called from upstairs. Everyone turned to see Sweetie Belle just at the top of the steps. "Would you... um.... c-come up h-here for a second?" She asked hesitantly, then ran back in her room. Everyone looked to Grandpa in surprise who sat there, dumbfounded. "Oh fuck me right in the azhole," He stated, getting up. "You want me to tell ya'll what? A BEDTIME story?" Grandpa stood in the doorway of Sweetie Belle's room, not moving, as he listened to the request of the three fillies in the bed. The all nodded their heads in unison. "Alright, but it's gonna have to be a spooky one since it's the Halloween times... supposedly...." Grandpa walked over to the bed, sat on the edge right next to the orange one of the three fillies, and began his story. The three Crusaders all took interest in what he was saying, even though they didn't understand most of it. For some reason most of the youngest ones of all the ponies took an interest in Grandpa and what he had to say, but the adults didn't appreciate his language and humor one bit. As evidenced by all the mares visiting Rarity's house listening in at the door to the room. Grandpa had a flashlight shining under his jaw to give his face scary shadowy features. His story was nearly over. "And then the dead prostitute said to the man, 'You might want to get yourself checked for Hepatitis B'," he said in a spooky sounding voice, " and-". Just at that moment, Grandpa's flashlight died. "Fuck," he cursed, looking down at the busted tool and smacking it, hoping that would get it to turn back on. No such luck. "Shit," he muttered. "Oh well, that's it for the story times. Now ya'll go on ta' sleep. Don't make me mix that sleeping powder into a glass of milk again like I had to do last time," he scolded. "Alright," the three fillies said sadly in unison. Grandpa got up and walked towards the door of the bedroom, all the mares outside scampering off downstairs as quietly as possible. He opened the door and walked through the threshold, flipping the light switch off as he passed by it. He closed the door behind himself and began to walk downstairs to the main lobby of the Merry-Go-Round shaped house. He paused and gave one last glance to the door over his shoulder, then turned back and continued walking, shaking his head. "I am so fucked," He said, taking out a cigarette and attempted to light it. "I just hope I'm lubed up when it happens."
Hearths Warming Eve - "You Can Stick This Candy Cane You Know Where!"Hearths Warming Eve Twilight's Castle Grandpa slept peacefully around the tree for Hearth's Warming Eve, a fire burning close by keeping the nightmares at bay. He looked almost like an angel.... ALMOST.... He had passed out earlier that night after partaking in too much of the "holiday spirit." He snorted and rolled over onto his back, a serene smile played across his lips as he snoozed. It seemed as if nothing could disturb his rest.... until a trio of trouble making fillies tip-hoofed into the room. Later that evening... Grandpa snorted once again and awoke with a start. "Fuck!" He exclaimed. He tried to move, but found that he couldn't. Looking down his body, Grandpa noticed that he was wrapped up in wrapping paper; a little bow sat atop his head to add insult to injury. He started struggling to break free of his festive prison. "I've been holly-jollied!" He shouted to no one in particular. "When I get out of this, someone's gonna swallow their teeth!" The three fillies heard this threat from down the hall. The trio looked to one another in a nervous panic, an audible "gulp" could be heard from them. They ran off to look for cover from Grandpa's wrath, hearing one final exclamation from the raging old man. "Who the hell stole my pamper?!" A mischievous orange pegasus filly chuckled slightly as the trio ran. It was always hilarious to see Grandpa angry. Sugar Cube Corner "PPPFFTT!! The hell am I drinkin'?! It tastes like the water from Satan's piss-pot!" Grandpa shouted, getting looks from the few patrons that had no where to be on Hearths Warming Eve. Pinkie was resting her head on her hoof, which was resting on the table below it. There was something off about Pinkie's aura. She looked.... bored. She looked to the stray hair in her face and blew it away before responding. "It's a soda, Grandpa," Pinkie replied monotonically, "Haven't you ever had one before?" Grandpa took another quick sip of the drink, made a sour face of disapproval, and spat it back out. "I've had soda before , but I've never had any that made me want to lick a dog's azhole just to get the taste out of my mouth!" Pinkie exhausted a little sigh and began making circular motions on the table with her free hoof, wondering when her shift to watch Grandpa would be over. Fluttershy, who sat another table across from the duo, saw the disarray and sorrow on Pinkie's face. Being the Element of Kindness, she decided to absolve Pinkie of her agony. She timidly trotted up to the pony-human pair and cleared her throat, gaining their attention. "Um, Pinkie? I would be glad to, um, you know... t-take Grandpa off your hooves for a while... if you don't mind," She managed to squeak out, hiding behind her mane. The spark in Pinkie's eye soon returned, along with a wide ear to ear grin to insinuate her happiness. She scooped Fluttershy up in a bone-crushing hug and bounced the two of them around with joy. "Yes! YES! Please!! Take him!! I'm not sure if I can-!" Pinkie halted in the middle of her words as soon as she realized what she was saying. Here she was, the Element of Laughter, who had fought Timberwolves and Dragons and even a FREAKIN' Demon lord from TARTARUS and was still somehow able to maintain her happy-go-lucky attitude, was being brought down by this old man from another world who just had a bit of a bad habit of swearing and other.... things... Pinkie looked to the other shop-goers, who stared at her with blank expressions, and put on a sheepish smile. She gently set Fluttershy down and chuckled nervously. "I, uh, mean, th-that's very KIND of you Fluttershy!! It sure would be helpful! I think I am behind on my daily cupcake quota anyways, so this will be a HUGE help!" Pinkie lowered her head and let out a small "thank you" before trotting behind the counter and into the kitchen. Fluttershy watched the two shutter doors close behind the pink pony before slowly turning her head back to look at Grandpa, who was staring at her with great intent. She gulped. "Fffffffffudge..." She whispered. Fluttershy's Cottage "What the hell is this thing!? An abomination of God??" Grandpa shouted, holding up a long and very thin rodent. The little animal seemed frightened, apparent by it's constant shivering. "That's a ferret, Grandpa," Fluttershy replied, worry mixed in with her voice, "and they are very timid creatures. They can get frightened pretty easily, so if you wouldn't mind, c-could you speak a *tiny* bit softer?" Fluttershy seemed ready to break down and take the ferret back from Grandpa. She thought her wish had been granted when he didn't respond for a few seconds as he examined the furry friend. The cream colored mare made to breathe a sigh of relief.... until Grandpa's next words threw her hopes out the window. "I think this thing might be constipated, it keeps shaking," he said, bordering on a yell. The ferret shivered violently one last time, covered its eyes with its paws, and went still. Grandpa felt something drop into his lap and looked down to investigate. He saw a couple of spherical, brown balls resting on his pants and a little on his yellow shirt. Fluttershy blushed profusely. "Hey, chocolate! I usually don't eat candy, but since it's the Christmas times I guess I could splurge a little." Grandpa set the ferret on the floor, which ran off immediately, and began reaching down for the supposed chocolate balls to sample one. Fluttershy sighed sadly. "Happy Hearths Warming Eve everypony," she said to herself as Grandpa coughed and gagged in the background and claimed to have been poisoned. Author's Note ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................gross.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Hearts and Hooves Day - "F*ck Diabetes..."Hearts and Hooves Day - "F*ck Diabetes..." Town Square "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try some of this?" Dash asked him. Grandpa looked over and saw she was holding a box of candy. He frowned at the cyan pegasus, getting somewhat agitated. "What did I tell you about the candy?" Dash hoofed Grandpa the box anyways. He inspected the box with disdain. "I can't shove this up my ass..." Dash face-hoofed, slumped down, and sighed in defeat. How much longer was it going to take before Twilight figured out how to send him home? Sugar Cube Corner "HEY THERE GRANDPA!!" "HOLY FUCK SHIT!!" Pinkie surprised Grandpa in her usual manner of greeting any other patron of Sugar Cube Corner, by being herself. Grandpa, however, still wasn't use to her energetic nature. He clutched his chest a glared daggers at the pink mare. "What did I tell you about jumping out at me?! I about unleashed my Tai-Kwon-Jitsu on you!" Pinkie stopped bouncing in mid-air and fell to the ground. She grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. "Aww jeez, I'm sorry Grandpa. I keep forgetting that you are the 'quiet type'," She said, making air quotes with her hooves. "But anyways, I was wondering if you would like to come to the Hearts and Hooves Day Candy Fest? There will be rides, and games, and best of all.... CANDY!!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing up and down again. Grandpa had no idea what she was talking about, as usual, but there was a mention of candy, and he wasn't about that. Nope. Not at all. Not one bit. "For the last god damn ti-" "TOO LATE!!!" Grandpa didn't have time to finish his response as Pinkie had grabbed his hand and was dragging him along out the door and into the streets of Ponyville. It seemed like Grandpa was going to the Farts and Chodes Day Candy Fest, or whatever the pink one said, after all. Either way, it was gonna be a bad time. Hearts and Hooves Day Candy Fest "I wanna hang myself," Grandpa stated. Every which way he looked there were couples and sweethearts everywhere indulging in the festivities going on around them. Game booths were set up for the colts to win a prize for their sweeties, Ferris wheels and roller coasters inhabited the grounds of the festival, and, best of all as Pinkie called it. Free. Candy. EVERYWHERE!!! Pinkie beamed as brightly as the sun. A smile splitting her face from ear to ear as she glanced around at all the happy faces and lovey doveyness going on. The only one who didn't seem to be having a good time was Grandpa. Well, Pinkie was about to fix that. "Aww, don't be like that Grandpa. Come on! Let's go on some rides!!" Without being given a chance to respond, Pinkie once again grabbed his hand with her hoof and pulled him towards one of the rides, called the "Twirly Whirly". A ride that consisted of five arms sprouting from a center mechanism, each having three cars for passengers to sit in. The arms spun the cars in a circle, and the cars had their own rotation as well, all adding up to an amazing 720 degrees spin. (More or less) They got in line and waited their turn. "You know, my first wife and I rode something like this on our first date," Grandpa retold to Pinkie, who sat across from him, "She's a ghost now!" He said a little TOO happily. "I sometimes see her in my dreams, and I have to say, she still looks like a Ho." Pinkie grinned and nodded her head nervously, trying her best to keep her focus on the ride, and failing. Grandpa's stories were just too bizarre. They were almost crazy enough to match up to Pinkie's randomness, or at least be equivalent. "I haven't touched a piece of candy in, well, since that time at Disneyland," Grandpa reminisced as he admired the wide selection of candies and treats, "But I suppose one little piece couldn't hurt. It just better not be that shitty trick candy the yellow one gave me," He stated with a drip of venom in his voice. Pinkie was confused by this statement. The only "yellow one" that she could possibly think of that Grandpa might be talking about is Fluttershy, but she is too fragile to ever pull a prank or trick someone. She would be eaten up by the guilt of even THINKING about trying something that could possibly humiliate or harm somepony before ever getting a chance to put the plan into action. Pinkie didn't dwell on the thought for too long though as she focused on Grandpa. She watched with bated breath as he picked up a piece of candy and brought it up to his mouth. Her eyes widened and her smile grew wider as he popped the treat inside and began to chew. Ponyville. Take cover. Pinkie has made many mistakes in her life. Some big. Some small. But who hasn't? It is the nature of being a bright, technicolor, talking pony with a constant sugar rush and positive attitude. So yes. She has made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes until she ceases to exist. But this one mistake that occurred today that she had complete and total control over would be the worst she ever makes. And what mistake would that be I hear you ask? She allowed Grandpa to eat some candy. .........holy hell.... EveryoNE HIT THE DECwdlgjkfsd9u80d9]0[aiklmw earng piubaevisod' pls;dfekgfysuhkjgenvwoijjfedshgea;oijtpo[k[doa;lfkv;ln icowl;s.,dm./vsmdfl;k tugpioejf;dkpfgtrwmsg;tnuhkrd..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................run...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................save yourself...................................................................................................................................................................... "Outta my way! I'm a real Grandpa!!"
Putting the "Good" in "Goodbye"Author's Note Hello everyone!! Sorry this final chapter took so long to get out, but things got in the way of my writing. Things such as: 1. School 2. Trying to get my YT channel started back up 3. A NEW project I have been working on behind the scenes and should be getting released here soon(ish). Once again, sorry for the delay, but I found some free time today and decided it was time to wrap this story up. Thank you all for being so patient and I hope this story brought you much joy for the time it did. Thank you once again for reading, liking, commenting and faving. I'll see you all in the next story! Remember to Stay Beautiful! Putting the "Good" in "Goodbye" "I've done it, everyone! After months of extensive research, I have finally figured out how to send Grandpa back to his own world!" Twilight stood before her friends in the Castle of Friendship, her announcement an apparent shock to all those gathered. None of them seemed to be disappointed however. More so they were too ecstatic to say anything. It was hard for any of them to say that they would miss Grandpa, but they did have a few decent times. But now, it was finally time to say goodbye. "Alrighty then, let's go fin' Grandpa and tell 'im th' good news," Applejack declared, gaining nods of approval. "Quite right, it is about time we sent him home back to his own family so that he can... stop harassing ours..." Rarity added, dreading the months it would take to purge her little sister's mind of all the naughty words Grandpa filled it with. Rarity huffed and blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. "Right, and the sooner it happens, the better," Twilight agreed, "Now, all of you go find Grandpa, and I'll get the spell ready." All the mares in the room nodded and set out to hunt down Grandpa and bring him to Twilight. They figured it wouldn't be that hard. All they had to do was look for the ponies running away from something and go that direction. Easy as cake. Finding Grandpa was easier than cake, thanks to his loud and boisterous nature. The five mares had corralled him back to Twilight, who was ready with the open portal. Grandpa stood before it, adjusting his glasses to get a better look, already been made aware that this was his ticket back home. The portal swirled in a clockwise motion, suspended in midair, and could only be seen from one side. Its colors consisted of light blue with a greenish tint, its structure continuously fluctuating. "Holy hell, this reminds of that one bad PCP trip I had," he said. The girls all groaned one last irritated sigh. Grandpa turned around to them, their faces one of untainted happiness. Pinkie was the only one who really smiled at him and waved while the rest opted to just waving. Grandpa sniffed and lifted his middle finger at them. "Fuck ya'll, I'm out." And with that, he promptly turned back to the portal and fell into it. Grandpa screamed as he tumbled through the brightly colored void, the entire time Vietnam and Woodstock flashbacks appeared in his mind as he continuously tumbled, tumbled through a rip in time and space. Finally, Grandpa impacted something solid and blacked out. Brandon Rogers jolted awake in his bed and looked frantically about his room. He was still there, still alive, and definitely not Grandpa or in a world of technicolor talking ponies. He wiped his face and found that he had been sweating profusely even though he had slept nude. He blew out a sigh of relief and fell back down onto his pillow. "Phew! It was just a nightmare," he said to himself, relaxing back into his bed and trying to fall asleep again. "I wouldn't be too sure about that..." A voice said to his right. Brandon's eyes shot back open and turned his head to the right. There sat a purple alicorn, the one known as Twilight in his dream, reading a book. She scratched her chin in concentration as she read through the tome. "I think something went wrong with my calculations," she said to herself. Brandon gripped the covers, turned his head back to the ceiling, and screamed until the sun rose. His nightmare had just begun.
Welcome To Eques- "Shut up, Slut!!"Grandpa looked around at his surroundings, confusion and unease swirling inside his already extremely confused mind. One second he was shopping in Target with his grandson, then the next thing he knew was that he was standing on the outskirts of some town surrounded on all sides by trees and mountains as far as the eye could see. Grandpa did not know how to react. He never remembered going to some dumb colorful world in the middle of god knows where. There was a familiar sense to it though, like he had been dragged here by his grandson before. And then it hit him... "When the FUCK did I get to Disneyland again?" After announcing his confusion, Grandpa began tromping off in a random direction into some nearby woods. He didn't have a motive or reason, he was just Grandpa being Grandpa. He walked through some tall brush and low-hanging branches, constantly getting smacked in the face with leaves and cursing out loud as he tried to shake them away. "All these trees trying to steal my oxygen!" Just as he said that, another branch smacked him in the face, HARD, knocking him to the ground. "God Dammit!" He exclaimed, "Where the hell's that pharmaciss when you need 'em?" Grandpa struggled to his knees and to a standing position, taking in his surroundings. "Shit," he breathed, "I shoulda brought more pampers..." He said as he loaded them. A rustling from the bush behind him caught his attention and out popped a rabbit that inspected him with caution. He adjusted his glasses and examined it back. "You're not my grandson!" He shouted. Frightened, the bunny hopped away back into the brush and away from the old man. Grandpa gave chase to the little rabbit. "Get back here you little asshole! You tell me where the pharmaciss is at!" Grandpa shouted after the bunny. Grandpa eventually came to a clearing after he lost the rabbit in a wild goose chase (or BUNNY chase in this instance) and muttered a few other obscenities. "The hell am I now? This ain't Holland?" Grandpa looked around the field he was in, saw nothing, and slumped his shoulders. "Aw fuc' me righ' in the azhole..." He then trudged off in the direction of what he hoped was the town knowing he would have a better chance of finding the pharmacist there... and hopefully some more pampers. "Hello!" A strange girly voiced called out to him. Grandpa jumped and exclaimed, "What the holy hell was that?" He looked around for what could have been the source of the voice, but saw nothing but trees and the occasional wildlife. "God dammit I'm hearing voices again! I need ta' stop swipin' the oldest ones Oxies..." "Down here!" The voice called out again. Grandpa looked down and about had another heart attack from what he saw. A small purple horse with wings, a horn, and ridiculously big eyes, making it look like a character from one of those dumb "animes" the youngest one watches. Grandpa knelt down to get a closer look, adjusting his glasses. "Well damn," he began, "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore. I've been bibbity bobbity booped to Neverland!" He exclaimed in horror. The small horse giggled. "You have a funny way of talking, stranger!" The pony held out her hoof. "My name's Twilight! Twilight Sparkle. And you are?" Grandpa took a moment to process what he was hearing while trying to decide if this was the best or the worst acid trip he's ever had. He looked to the hoof held out to him, then back to the pony. "I'd rather not, I might catch the diabetes," he stated. Twilight raised an eyebrow at that, but lowered her hoof anyways. "Who's 'diabetes'?" She asked. "The hell is that suppos' to mean?" Grandpa asked her a little angrily, taking a step forward. "I may be old, but I've been through three world wars and still have some ass kicking left in me!" The pair stared at each other for a long while, neither making a move. After a minute or so, Grandpa continued on towards the town with Twilight following him at a distance. "Watch yourself!" He warned Twilight, pointing at her for emphasis. Twilight trotted up next to him, a bit caught off guard that he was going to kick a donkey. "Will do!" She said almost too cheerfully. "So you don't look like your from around these parts, stranger? Where did you come from?" Twilight gasped. "Are you an alien?" She said, getting in his face. "The fuck did you just call me?" He asked, offended. "Just because I came into America hidden in the back of an 1827 El Durado with seven Mexicans doesn't make me an 'alien'!" "Oh, so you're from Amareica?" Twilight asked. "No shit, dumbfuck!" Grandpa retorted. "Twilight..." She deadpanned. "What about it?" Grandpa asked, making Twilight raise another eyebrow. "That piece of shit movie. I saw it in the theaters with my grand kids and very nearly downed my entire bottle of pain pills just to escape that nightmare. I would rather get fucked in the ass by Bubba down at the local penitentiary than see that trash again. My niece seemed to really enjoy it though..." Twilight was at a loss for words. She closed her mouth that she didn't realize was hanging open, most likely because of his colorful vocabulary, and tried to assess the situation. "No! MY name is Twilight!" She huffed. "Your parents must have really hated you then," Grandpa replied absentmindedly. Twilight's blood was at a boil. She could handle the bad words and name calling, but NO ONE talks bad on her parents. She was about to blow her gasket until she remembered the secret technique Cadence taught her when she was younger to calm herself. She put her hoof in front of her chest and slowly exhaled as she moved her hoof out in front of herself. She felt immediately calmer and more relaxed now. She never understood how that calming technique worked so well. She didn't linger on it too long, opting to put on a smile, albeit a clenched jaw smile, and tried to remain as hospitable as possible to her new guest that seemed to be from another world apparently and was raising her blood pressure ever so slowly. "I can assure you, sir, that my parents loved me very much. I was named after my mother." Grandpa semi-ignored her and responded, "Call me Grandpa if you want. Every other fuck does..." Twilight just shook her head and pinched her nasal bridge in frustration. After walking for a bit they emerged from the woods to directly the outskirts of a small town, their intended destination. "Come on Grandpa! I see the town! I'll introduce you to my friends and we'll help figure out a way to get you back home to your world. I know you're not from ours because I don't think I've ever seen your species ANYWHERE in our world!" She beamed happily. "Whateva'..." He replied. "What is that town anyways? Looks like a hurricane having butt sex with a twister came through there..." "Yeah, the town is a bit of a fixer-upper..." Twilight said sadly, ignoring his comparison, but immediately perked up. "But it's my home and I love it! Welcome to Ponyville, Grandpa!" Grandpa froze at that and took a good amount of time to examine the place he was walking into. Far off he saw some sort of farm with a road leading to it and a house made entirely out of clouds floating above the town. But the worse thing he saw most of all was tons of multi-colored horses bustling about the small town and commuting with one another. For the longest time he wasn't able to get any words to form, but finally conjured one word after taking everything in. "Fuck..."
