Anon drops out of the sky

Anon wz doin wot evry Anon do, bn boring, & browsin a joint caL '4chan'. Well shiiiit, it felt lIk his schmoooove ass c%d rly b a thugged-out douche of d centRe on DIS joint yo. Hs scrEn nAm wz normally 'sage', bt dat don't m@R rght nw yo. Dude wz sitN @ Hs computer, doin Hs usual bullshitting, wen a straNg post comes ^. Dat punk on /mlp/ & it references directly towardz him. He, bn 1 of curiosity, he readz d post. It aint nuthin but pritE werd t%.

dEr Anon Y. Mous, (i.e "Sage")

I hav a propositN 2 mAk 4 U. Knowin dat U browse dEz boardz a lot, I suspect dat U wiL c DIS. Now, only U cn c DIS msg. straNg right, biatch? I spos so t%. It aint nuthin but almost... Unreal, so 2 spk. Now, bak 2 wot I wz saying. I wiL GIV U DIS 1 chaNc 2 do somTIN w yor Lyf insted of shitpostin on dEz boards. aL U hav 2 2 do reply, & you gonna b fiN.

"How tha fuck duz DIS muthafucka knO mah name?" Dude askd himsLf yo. Dude clicked rply & started typing.

k, what tha fuck do U wnt me 2 do?

Dude smiled @ Hs purposefully pOr grammar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. usu doin thangs lIk dat cn mAk thangs go 1 way o NothA.  d 'refresh' counta hit 0, & NothA post came ^ onto Hs scrEn.

First, uz propR grammar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I knO damn weL you capable of such thangs, U wiL fuck up yor chaNc f U do yor normL thangs.

Second, I knO wot you bustin, & wen you goin 2 dat shit.

Now DIS had Anon 1derin yo. Dude thN st%d ^ & flipped Evrywhr n d r%m off w Hs customary 'fuck U fingers'. NothA post popped ^ on Hs scrEn.

R U done?

"I M now, props." Dude paused. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "This BetA not b som werd (_!_) Matrix shit."

It c%d b. nw do U wnt 2 knO wot I've pl& 4 you, o not?

Anon froze solid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude didn't hav a mic coNectd 2 Hs tower, so Y d hell did dat jst work, biatch? Dude sat bak dwn & nodded. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! w8N 4 a rply. aftR bout a 3 min. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. wait, d chunk of txt finalE came Thru.

SBTA 4 d W8.

wot I be bout 2 do, iz somTIN dat evrEbody hz seemed 2 fantasize bout. U cn chuse whch wrld (dimension) U wnt 2 find yorself n. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be bn v straight-to-the-point, cuz I only hav so much tym b4 DIS portal closes. U hav two chizzles. One, stA whr U R n a run-down crib hustlin @ McDonalds, OR, U cn go inside yor closet 2 go 2 d plAc you've alwys wntd 2 go. Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I cn yor greentext stories. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! U hav ~ 5 mins 2 chuse b4 yor F8 iz decided.

"Choices huh?" Dude slumpD in2 Hs chAr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. fEln d fatigue frm lst nights shift @ McDonaldz yo. Dude gazed @ Hs closet, whch mAd his ass smirk yo. Dude st%d up, & lookd up d window 2 c d smoggy ciT b4 his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude grabbed Hs man-purse frm d side of Hs dsk & started loadin ^ thangs, glancin @ d time, dat schmoooove muthafucka had bout 1 min. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. L yo. Dude had Hs laptop, charger, 3 bottlez of water, & a Nutribar yo. Dude opened ^ Hs closet & dashed n. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude had expected 2 run in2 d bak of Hs closet & fEl lIk a idiot, bt dat wz not wot he gots yo. Dude insted gots a whirrin rotation of flashin lights, hI winds, & d swNd of Hs high-pitched scream.

Da flashin lyts vanished, bt wot came NXT nErly scArd his ass 2 def. sevrl thou feet ^ in2 d air, da thug wz falling.