Pushed too far, too young
Grade 1
Little Constant Diligence was enthusiastic. Today was the day! His mom told him yesterday that today he would go to school for the first time and the six year old unicorn colt could hardly wait. He had packed his bag days ago and it had become his favorite pastime to unpack it, play with the school supplies his parents had bought him, and pack them again. He even snuck one of his favorites toys in it.
He was supposed to meet so many kids at school and he would get friends! He had to get his toy with him; how else would they be able to play if he didn’t have anything? He fidgeted in place as his mom brushed his mane, getting him ready to get out. When she gave him the ok, he ran out, fast as he could. The school was not far away, barely two minutes of walking at most. He knew where he was going. This was going to be so great!
He had been a little late. He wasn’t used waking up so early. Everypony had been gathered outside but had started moving inside as he approached. Where- where was he supposed to go now? Should he follow? Which kids was he supposed to go with?
The colts and fillies that were his size had already gone in first. He wanted to rush in behind them but the bigger foals were blocking the door as they made their way in. He didn’t want to push himself against them. Constant Diligence had never been good at talking to other people and… they scared him a little. He had to wait.
All of them went inside. Finally! He ran inside the school and… halted. Where was everypony? There were doors everywhere and he could hear noises coming from them but… which one should he go in?
He tried to open the first one but froze. Should he knock? Open the door? What was he supposed to do? What if it was the wrong one? He didn’t want anypony to laugh at him if he got it wrong on his first day at school. Constant looked around in a panic. There was no grownup around to help him.
Constant tried to amass his courage and knock on the door that loomed hugely over him. He faltered. He… he couldn’t do it. He was too scared. He ran back outside. He’d… he’d wait for everypony to come out and pretend he just arrived. He found a corner where he was out of sight, and waited.
It was nearly an hour later that he heard a shrill ringing. He had heard that before but never realized it was from the school. He waited a bit more. Ponies of all ages were coming out the door. Finally!
Wait, was school over? Did he miss it? Tears started amassing at the corner of Constant’s eyes. He ruined it. First day of school and he ruined it.
He kept looking on. Nopony was actually leaving. They all stayed around. Constant tried to remember. The ringing went off several times, didn’t it?
He was right! The ringing sounded again and ponies started shuffling their way in. Constant picked the smallest colt he could see and ran behind him, following from a short distance. He went inside one of the rooms and Constant followed in. There was a grown up here! Oh, thank you Celestia. She could help him, that’s what grown ups do.
The moment the mare spotted him she quickly rushed to his side.
“Hello, little colt. Are you in my class?”
“I, uh, don’t know… Miss? I… overslept and came in too late.”
The adult mare opened a notebook on her desk. “Well, let’s see then. What’s your name, sweetie?”
“Um… Constant Diligence, Miss.”
“Ah, there you are. Yes, you are supposed to be here. Take a seat that’s free and we can start. We are on the second hour of Equestrian now. You can introduce yourself to your classmates later, ok?”
Constant didn’t answer apart from a shaky nod. Free seat? Where was he supposed to sit? There was a desk where nopony sat at the end. He would be alone while everypony else sat with somepony else, but… he moved to it.
The teacher went to the blackboard and addressed her class. “Ok, children. Now that we all know each other…” Constant felt cheated. He didn’t know anypony yet. What happened while he was outside alone? “...we will start learning the Alphabet. First letter is…”
He was too far back. He couldn’t see what the teacher was doing on the blackboard. Truth be told, he wasn’t entirely sure what she looked like. He was too shy to look straight at her and now he was too far.
Constant spent the following hour trying to spot what the colt in front was copying in his notebook so he could do the same. He had no idea what was happening.
“So, was the blanket too heavy?”
“I’m… sorry, what?” Constant asked, perplexed beyond any chance of understanding. Today had been too confusing.
“Slept nice? Had a good dream?” Another colt joined in. “Is this how it’s going to be, are you going to be sleeping in because you can’t lift your blanket?”
“I… can lift my blanket just fine. It’s not heavy at all,” Constant answered.
Everypony around him laughed. Most of his classmates had joined in around him. Were they… gonna be friends now? Is this how it worked?
One of them walked forwards and poked him in the belly. “Nice pudge, fatty. Is that because you eat too much or sleep too much.”
Constant didn’t like this. He missed his home. He could run back but… mom told him to stay here until she came over to pick him up. “I like eating,” he said, unthinkingly sticking with the truth.
That caused everypony around him to laugh for some reason. Maybe he said the right thing?
They all started chanting maliciously. “Fatty, fatty, tardy fatty, big stupid fatty…” repeating similar words over and over. They didn’t stop until the bell ringed.
When they went outside they started over again.
Grade 2
At least Constant now knew why he never could make out how his teacher looked or what she wrote. His eyes had a problem. Now, with the glasses on, he felt as if he could truly see for the first time in his life. It was a new year too. Three months away from the constant taunting. Maybe they forgot about it.
They did not. The words “four-eyes” joined in the name calling. As if that wasn’t enough some of his tormentors had decided that more ponies needed to join in their game. Soon the adjacent classes were having their fun with the chosen target.
That wasn’t fair. Nopony in other classes had to go through the same as he did. Why did they focus on him so much? He tried their best to ignore them, as he did the first year. It wouldn’t work, he knew it. They rarely made him show his tears and that made it all the more rewarding for whoever managed to make the “four eyes fatty” cry. Constant ended up hiding in the furthest corner of the building, while the “hero” of the day was getting patted in the back for his victory.
Constant had to buy new glasses mid year. They broke his first pair because they had decided he was pretending he couldn’t see without them for pity and attention.
One of them found Constant out in the street during the summer and threw his second pair on the ground, breaking them too, cause he needed to stop the charade. Too bad for his attacker, there wasn’t anypony else around to congratulate him and he had to wait till school started to get cheered.
Grade 3
The school had two floors. The older classes were taught upstairs. What was important to Constant Diligence however was that there were two staircases, and beneath each one was a small space. Sure, it was dark and ponies threw wrappers and trash there too often, but it was a place he could hide during recess.
There was still the time until he arrived there to hide. But he could easily take that. Afterwards, he could relax in his hole. Time seemed to pass so quickly while hiding. He liked it in there. It was dark, every sound from outside was muted and barely understood, and he was alone. He wished he could spend all day in there.
He was currently in it, doing his best not to cry. He raised his hoof at today’s lesson. The teacher asked for somepony to recite the little story they learned yesterday. Constant Diligence remembered it just fine, but… the way they looked at him. They kept waiting for the loser to fail. He stuttered a bit… just for an instant and stopped to breathe and continue. Everypony was laughing at him, he would continue despite that though but… the teacher got impatient, waved him down and picked out a filly to finish.
Now they all claimed he was an idiot too. Not that he cared. He had given up on anything changing, or making a friend out of any of them. Enemies, sure. They were his and he was theirs.
It still hurt though.
Grade 4
It was this year that the beatings started.
Constant Diligence had gotten taller. Wider too, especially at the shoulders. He looked as if he should be a hard working earth pony instead of a unicorn. He was developing a body that was made for heavy work, large and strong.
That’s why he was made their favorite punching target. Knock down the big, dumb bully -they called him a bully too now, he wasn’t sure what that meant but maybe it was because he looked like a bull?- and you proved how strong you were. Everypony wanted to have a try at him sooner or later.
Constant would love to lay on them for once. Two things stopped him. He was stronger. He knew that for sure. He could lift twice what another colt of his age could and his hooves were larger and harder. If he hit one of them somewhere he shouldn’t, like the eye, what would happen? It made him hesitate, holding back.
The second thing was that they formed a ring around him, his opponent in front of him. Whenever Constant tried to hit, somepony would pull on one or both of his shoulders, dragging him back just enough to make him lose his balance and stop. They would never do that to anypony else. They tried to make it fair they said.
Constant noticed also that they never seemed to hold back from hitting as hard as they could. At least, with the need for them to have their buddies behind him, he had time to take off his glasses. His parents had already spent too much on them.
He didn’t mind the pain so much as the laughter that always followed. No, that’s a lie. What he hated most was that if he managed to hit back even once his opponent would be taken away to be looked after, given help, and praised for being brave enough to fight against that hulking beast.
Constant still had his hole under the stairs though. That’s all he needed.
Grade 5
Constant Diligence had started sleepwalking when he was at the third grade. What happened to him now was worse.
Sleepwalking wasn’t that bad. He just woke up three or four times every night and every time he would find himself sleeping somewhere different from where he had lied down. He didn’t mind that. It was like an adventure, somehow. And waking up so often meant that the nightmares were stopped before they could really get going.
What happened to him now… he had no idea what it was. It was worse than any nightmare. Even the one with the small picture of a monster that he could never get rid off before the monster came for him screaming. Or the one where they had dug up the area beneath the school stairs and he would fall in, with nopony to hear him, until things in the dark came for him. This… this was much worse.
He sleepwalked. He knew he did because he was awake while he did so. His body was moving, he could feel it, he saw it. He was doing circles around the kitchen table. That was stupid and he tried to stop but he couldn’t. It was terrifying. No matter how he tried, no matter what he thought or screamed in his head, his body would continue moving on his own. He wanted to cry but he couldn’t. He was trapped in his own body. He wanted this to stop, more than he wanted anything before.
There was a short, cushioned stool in front of one of the chairs in the living room. His body moved for it and jumped on it. He rose up on two legs, and raised his forelegs as if asking for applause. His body just remained stuck there. Constant wanted to get off this stupid stool, put down his forelegs, and get to bed before his parents saw him being an idiot.
He thought not having control over his body was terrifying. He was wrong. What was truly terrifying was having no control over your body, not your eyes, not your eyelids, nothing, while true horrors came out of every door around you.
He saw so many things. They mostly involved open screaming mouths with no lips, just teeth and bleeding gums, or huge eyes that almost popped out of the pale faces they belonged to. Constant Diligence wanted to scream but he wasn’t allowed to. He wanted to cry. He wanted to crawl in a dark hole and never come out again.
The monsters slowly moved behind him, one by one. They were still there he knew.
He could feel them eating him.
Grade 6
The torture was over for today. Constant Diligence ran back to his home and the safety of his room. He did his best to skip as many days as possible, even getting up earlier than his mother and putting his forehead against the heater in order to make her believe he was running a fever or accidentally “tripping” on his way, spraining his leg. He couldn’t do this every day however so he saved these tricks for the days with the most school hours and when he didn’t feel certain he could take the hurt.
Today had not been good either. It never was, but today was one of the very bad ones. He mispronounced a word in front of everypony and… well, the usual happened.
At least the fights had stopped. Maybe he couldn’t give them the punch they deserved but he was strong enough to barge his way through everypony in his way -he was proud of the fact that once he started moving none had ever been able to stop him- get his opponent in a hold and smash him on the floor. He wasn’t doing any great damage but getting thrown around like a ragdoll wasn’t something they enjoyed so everypony had backed off from challenging him that way.
He closed the door of his room after he made sure nopony was coming. He didn’t want his siblings or parents to pop in while he was doing his business.
Constant pulled a small box he had hid behind the small library next to his bed. He opened it and carefully pulled out one of the razors from inside. He pushed the packet with the rest back where they belonged.
He watched the light glint off the edge. It calmed him so much. He had done as much research as he could without making anypony the wiser. Ever since he realized this was what his life was going to be like since last year he wanted to get off this stupid ride.
He wanted to die. He looked forward to it. It would be so great. Nopony to make fun of him anymore, no more nightmares, no more tears, no more waiting for the days to crawl away. Just darkness and quiet. A soft smile formed on Constant Diligence's face.
He had made the best research he could have done on the best way to die. He wasn’t sure how to tie a noose and from what he could understand it hurt. So did drowning. He didn’t want to die in a way that would make him fight to live. That would defeat the purpose. However, he had read that immersing yourself in warm water and slicing your veins with something very sharp, not only didn’t it hurt, but felt peaceful actually.
He needed the opportunity however. He… didn’t have the courage to do it every day. He needed someday when nopony was at home. His mother kept staying at home.
He stashed the razor back into the packet. He would have his opportunity someday. Or just forget about the warm water at all.
He was going to get away from them someday.
Grade 7
New day. New year. New school. Constant Diligence looked around him. He knew most of those faces. They laughed at him every day for the past six years. So… same crap. He wondered how long he had until they started telling the new ponies around them about him and the fun they were all allowed to have with him. Maybe until tomorrow if he was lucky and quiet.
New classroom. New seating. Constant looked around for the lonely desk in the back that would be refuge while in here. There was one free seat in the back like he expected but… somepony was already sitting on it. He would have to share, at least until the unknown colt decided he had enough of him and dragged another desk in for himself.
He put his bag on the edge of the desk and sat down. The colt turned over to him. “Hello, I’m Featherweight,” the cream coated pegasus says.
“I’m Constant Diligence,” Constant says as pleasantly as possible. He hadn’t been rude so far, and they would have to do a lot worse to make him act as horrible to somepony he didn’t know as they did.
Constant turns his attention to the front, already dedicated to waiting the day away. Featherweight gives him a strange look before he puts his attention on drawing a line on the middle of the desk.
Constant can’t help but ask. Deskmates were something completely new. He wasn’t sure if this was something that always happened. “What’s this?”
“That’s the border,” Featherweight answers. “This side is mine and that side is yours. You are not allowed to pass it for any reason at all.”
Oh. He already didn’t want Constant anywhere closer that what he was allowed. Well, fine. Constant wouldn’t mind that to be honest and it made things clearer. He put his left foreleg across the line, as close as possible without crossing it.
“There. Is that ok?”
Featherweight inspected the line carefully. “Just barely. Make sure you don’t cross it.”
“Yeah. Ok.”
This had been the friendliest interaction Constant had in school ever. He turned his attention back to the front, his mind quickly going blank, not giving attention to time and events.
Featherweight had been getting bored while they waited for the teacher to come up. Constant felt movement coming from his left and couldn’t stop from turning his head to see what was going on.
A pegasus wing had folded its feathers in a rudimentary walking shape and making an effort to climb over the obstacle that was Constant’s large hoof.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Me? Nothing. This guy just wants to conquer the other side.” The walking guy in question had made it to the top of Constant’s hoof. Featherweight’s whisper gave him a voice as he cried “whoo hooo” in celebration just before slipping and crashing back to where he started.
Constant snorted at the funny failure. He looked in front of him on his desk. He had pulled his pen out and… there, he had a paperclip. He used his magic to give it a shape of a figure and animated it with his magic. The paperclip pony picked up the pen and used it as a pole to jump over Constant’s hoof. On a whim, his paperclip overdid it and jumped over the hoof and all the way to the edge of the desk at the other side, falling to its death with a fading whispered “aaaaaah” from Constant’s lips.
Featherweight laughed out loud at this and Constant joined him. Featherweight’s figure used an imaginary grappling hook this time. He managed to hook it and laboriously climb up but pushed itself too much on the climb over and fell over the other side, crashing itself dead.
After the laughter subsided, it was Constant’s turn again. He picked up his paperclip figure. The pen became a rocket. The paperclip never even came close to the hoof wall.
Featherweight took his turn again.
Grade Eleven
Constant was cleaning his room. Well, rearranging actually. He had lost so many things behind the furniture he thought it was time to clear up the clutter behind them and make some changes in the meantime.
He found his package of razors. He stared at the packet for a few seconds, before rushing to the door to make sure it was closed securely.
He pulled out a razor. It still glinted, sharp as ever. He would be a liar to say that he didn’t think of death as something amazingly relaxing and peaceful. In his mind it was as inviting as a comfy bed with three blankets on top in the mid of winter.
He put the razor back into the packet. He had completely forgotten about them. He had never thought about them ever since the seventh grade. He threw them in the air and caught them again. He was meeting with Featherweight at his place later. Maybe he should show them to him, tell him what idiocies he was thinking about when he was younger.
He chuckled at the thought. He knew what would happen. Constant would pull out the razor packet to show it to him and Featherweight would look at it for a second before exclaiming “You wanted to kill yourself?” Nevermind that Constant never told him about it. Featherweight could read him like an open book. Constant didn’t have that knack but he was always there for Featherweight, no matter what he needed.
He wouldn’t show it to him, Constant decided. Today was Featherweight’s birthday. He didn’t need to hear about this kind of stuff. They had arranged to meet a few hours before his birthday party so Constant could give him his present and hang out as long as they could. Constant Diligence wouldn’t go to the party. He wasn’t feeling secure with other ponies around. He would sink into himself and everypony would just keep asking if he was alright. They didn’t understand that Constant liked to lose himself in his mind. Featherweight didn’t mind, he laughed about it, and accepted it. It wasn’t like Constant did it when it was just the two of them.
When it was just the two of them he always focused entirely on his friend.
He might tell him tomorrow though. He might get a kick out of knowing he saved Constant’s life with nothing but feather charades.
Author's Note
This... is based on real life. My life to be exact. Everything that is portrayed in this story happened exactly like that, except here it happened with ponies. Life during Primary school was hell. I wouldn't tell this story, since I barely think about it, but I think it has something important to say.
It might not have much to do with MLP except one crucial thing. No matter how much Constant was hounded and hurt by everyone around him, no matter how much to the edge he was driven, in the end, all it took to drag him out of his pain was one single friend.
Hate, ridicule, and scorn are powerful forces than can be found in everyone and injure places you cannot see, until the damage gets too much to ignore. But it can't stand up to the unconditional, all-powerful strength that one true friend can give.
Because Friendship is Magic.