My Roommate Is Not a Vampire

by Ave Celestia

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Octavia, Comedy, Random, DJ P0N-3, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1816

Short, silly Octascratch wherein Vinyl comes home to Octavia in an awesome vampire cape.

Not to be confused with the superior and wholly unrelated My Roommate Is a Vampire by Dennis the Menace (which you should go read instead of this if you haven't already!)

Short, silly Octascratch wherein Vinyl Scratch comes home to Octavia in an awesome vampire cape. Has Vinyl become a terrifying creature of dark passions? Will Octavia be amused? (Spoilers: no.) Is there a twist where it's not Vinyl who's the vampire but Octavia instead? (Spoiler: also no.) Or perhaps Vinyl has simply been reading way too many vampire novels recently? (Spoiler: it's that one!)

Cover image from the talented namelesshero2222.

Now with a Youtube reading by the delightful ObabScribbler!

Published 2016-01-02 04:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-02 04:30:02 UTC

The Dark Embrace of Passion

Late one night Octavia was quietly reading a book in her downtown apartment when a key turned in the lock, the door burst open and shut, and a pale unicorn in a long, black cape staggered into the room and collapsed on the rug in front of her. Her roommate, Vinyl Scratch, lay silent and motionless on the floor. Octavia licked her hoof and turned to the next page of her book.

Vinyl was silent for nearly ten seconds before twitching and groaning piteously.

Octavia kept reading.

Vinyl groaned again, much louder this time.

Octavia turned to the next page of her book.

Vinyl bounced to her hooves. “Octavia! I have super-big news for you!”

Octavia kept reading.

Vinyl gazed at her for a moment before sighing heavily and quickly turning away, her long, black cape flaring as she did so. “Octavia, it's not easy to tell you this but I had an... experience tonight." Vinyl slowly removed her sunglasses as she spoke. "I was coming home from the club and, on a whim, decided to take a shortcut through a darkened alley. But what I didn't realize was that the darkness waiting in that alley wasn't just normal darkness. It was extra-darkness! I was attacked and bitten by a monster!” Vinyl whirled to face Octavia and her cape flapped dramatically. “Yes, Octavia! It is true! I am nosferatu! Lah wampyr! I. am. a vampire!” She rose onto her rear hooves and spread her forelegs wide, black cape danging from them like bat's wings.

“That's nice, Vinyl.” Octavia turned another page.

Vinyl fell back to her hooves and turned away again. She laughed bitterly. “Yes, I too would be skeptical if somepony said something that would so profoundly shatter my preconceived notions of what is true and what is fantasy! Most ponies know on a subconscious level that there is darkness out there, but they prefer to keep themselves blind and in the light! But now, I have become a creature of that darkness, and, as such, to me light is now anathema!” Vinyl suddenly pulled up her black cape to shield herself from the light of the lamp over Octavia's chair and hissed in fear. “From this night forward I live with my sister wolf and brother raven in the darkened wilderness of the night! The comforts of modern pony are no longer for me! No more shall I use the mirror, the refrigerator-”

Octavia's eyes rose from her book and gave Vinyl an irritated look up and down. “If you are a vampire then where are your fangs?”

Vinyl reached up and touched a hoof to her teeth. “They're, uh, retracted. My razor-sharp fangs, like those of all other vampires, are retractable. They only appear from their gum-sheaths in moments of anger... or passion!” Vinyl raised a suggestive eyebrow at Octavia.

Octavia lowered her book momentarily and gazed over it. “Gum-sheathes? Did you make that up yourself or read it somewhere? Either way you should be ashamed.”

Vinyl grinned. “No way, Octy! Being a vampire is awesome! We get capes and teeth and shape-shifting magical powers and supernatural charisma.” Vinyl lidded her eyes and adopted a sultry tone. “It's why you feel so attracted to me right now, Octavia. Becoming a vampire has increased my raw animal magnetism one hundred fold! I bet it's all you can do to stay in your chair reading your dumb book!” Vinyl took a step closer. “What you really want to do is throw yourself upon me and cry out in passion, begging me to bestow upon you the Dark Kiss and make me make you my Childe in Darkness so we can walk the centuries together for... centuries!”

Octavia lowered her book slightly to give Vinyl the world's biggest 'my lack of amusement is matched only by my disappointment with you' glance before returning to reading.

Vinyl crept closer. “You may have noted my pallor this evening is disturbingly pale, perhaps even describable only as 'from beyond the grave!' This is because I, as a creature of darkness, have been drained of my own life force, my vitality, my... sanguinity-”

“I knew it was a mistake to teach you to read.”

“-and the only way I can again feel passion is to dally with a mortal. A mortal... such as yourself.” Vinyl laid one hoof onto the back of Octavia's chair and whispered into her ear. “Allow me to take you to heights of passion, to the darkest plateaus of ecstasy, to the most... erotic-”

Octavia laid her book on her lap. “Vinyl, if you say 'dark' or 'passion' again this evening, I'll put you in the ground in a way you won't be able to come back from.”

Vinyl grinned and reared back. “Ah, but as an Un-dead creature of d... of the night, I am supernaturally resistant to all forms of physical trauma. I'm afraid I am only-”

Octavia put down her book, reached down into the music case next to her chair, and then poked Vinyl in the chest with her bow.

Vinyl stumbled back, clutching at her heart. “Ach! The wood of the acacia tree! My only weakness! How did you know?" She shuddered. "Argh, its touch burns! Did you have your cello-stick blessed by a cleric, too?”

“Double bass. And it's a bow.”

“Whatever. Ugh!” Vinyl collapsed to the floor, black cape pooling beneath her. “Argh! I am almost destroyed! My powers have run out!” She kicked her legs feebly. “I may only be saved by the blood of a maiden. Or somepony pure of heart. Or somepony like you, Octavia! Haw haw!”

Octavia gestured menacingly with her bow.

Vinyl let out a hoarse cough. “I am dying, Octavia, and you're the only pony who can save me! Just... come here and put your neck in my mouth. I'll only take a little bit of your blood, I promise! Just enough to restore me to strength!” Vinyl waited. “C'mon, think of all the things I've seen in my untold centuries of life! I'm like living history! I saw the founding of Equestria, hung out with all kinds of historical ponies who were all secretly vampires like me, like, uh, Beethoofen.”

“You knew Beethoofen?” Octavia's skepticism was maximum.

“Yeah! I helped him invent the piano or whatever!” Vinyl wriggled on the cape. “Oh, the agony! Octavia, please! Put me out of my misery! I don't want to live forever if I can't live... with you!” She turned away and a single glittering tear seemed to slide from her eye.

Octavia put her book aside and slowly rose, brandishing her bow. “I think a filthy creature like you ought to be destroyed. You don't belong in this world!”

“Yes, I am a filthy creature of the night! You'd better destroy me!"

Octavia stepped closer. “Your gross and vulgar sensuality is distasteful to my staid sensibilities!”

“Uh, I think so! Probably?”

Octavia leaned down close. Vinyl could feel her breath. “I think I should slay you.”

Vinyl half sat up. “Octy the vampire slayer! That's awesome! Cello-player by day-”

Octavia poked her bow into Vinyl's chest, forcing her back down. She gave Vinyl a pitiless look and growled. “What a pathetic vampire, begging to be slain like this!”

“Yes, Octavia! Slay me! Slay me good!”

Octavia hesitated, resting the tip of her bow on Vinyl's chest.

Vinyl wriggled on the cape, looking up. Then she got a sly look in her eye. “Oh ho! I see that despite your anti-vampire fervor, our sexy heroine has fallen for her seductive arch-nemesis! What a twist!”

Vinyl reached out and tugged at Octavia's ankles. Octavia slowly sank to the floor and Vinyl wrapped her legs around her. “Our heroine falls for a sneak attack! She is now at the vampire's tender mercies!” Vinyl drew her close.

They were mere inches apart. Octavia batted her lashes and whispered, “oh no. You've got me. You're going to suck my blood now, aren't you?”

“Oh yes! Now, I shall feed!” Vinyl wrapped a leg around Octavia's neck and slipped her nose under Octavia' chin.

Octavia closed her eyes and turned her head, exposing her slender neck.

Vinyl licked her lips and gently laid a kiss on Octavia's neck. Octavia sighed gently.

“That's one. It takes three bites from a vampire to turn you and make you my servant.”

“...only three?”

Vinyl stuck her nose under Octavia's jaw and nosed up. Octavia lifted her head and Vinyl kissed her on the throat. “That's two.”

Octavia sighed again and a smile touched her lips. She cracked her eyes and peeked through her lashes down at Vinyl.

Vinyl reached up and gently lowered Octavia's face to her own. They shared breaths, staring into each others eyes before Vinyl laid a slow kiss on Octavia's lips.

Octavia smiled. “That's three.” She pulled Vinyl close and stuck her nose into Vinyl's mane, breathing her comfortable scent.

Vinyl murmured, “mmhmm. And you know what that means, right?”

“I'm yours forever.”

The Unclean Beast

Octavia sighed in pleasure, content simply being so close to the pony she lo... she sniffed. She raised her head from Vinyl's mane, wrinkled her nose, and sniffed again. She frowned and cracked her eyes open. “Vinyl, I smell pee.”

“Huh? Octy, you must be imagining things,” said Vinyl, dreamily.

“No, really! It's gross!” Octavia half sat up and experimentally sniffed herself, sniffed Vinyl, then sniffed the black cape on which they both lay. She squirmed back in disgust. “Ugh! Vinyl! Where did you get this cape?”

“I found it.”

“Where did you find it?”

“In an alley in a dumpster! Can you believe somepony was trying to throw away this awesome vampire cape?”

“Can I believe somepony was trying to throw away trash? Yes, I can believe that.” She pushed at Vinyl.

“Aww, come on, Octy. Can't we just enjoy this moment? Here? Together?”

“Enjoy laying on a pee-soaked dumpster-cape? No.” She gave Vinyl a solid shove and stood up. “I'm going to go shower.” She looked over her shoulder, then down. Her voice was stern. “I expect you to have that rug cleaned.” She entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her and the sound of the shower came through the door.

Vinyl feebly reached out to the empty spot where Octavia had just lay. She groaned in frustration, flailing her legs uselessly. “Just put a stake in my heart and be done with it!”

The bathroom door cracked open and steam poured out. Octavia's voice echoed from inside. “Vinyl, you stink.”

Vinyl rolled upright, her ears perked. “Yeah?”

“...so get in here, you filthy vampire!”

Vinyl scrambled to her hooves and raced to the steamy bathroom.

“And take that disgusting cape off!”

The long, black cape fluttered to the floor as the bathroom door clicked shut behind Vinyl.

Author's Note

A/N