Two Legs or Four, There's Always More

by David Silver

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Spike
Length: 10724

A human called Noah finds a dark cave for shelter during one of his hikes after a nasty fall. This turns out to just be the start of his adventure. Perhaps some non-pony viewpoints would help, or should he turn to his new family?

A human called Noah finds a dark cave for shelter during one of his hikes after a nasty fall. This turns out to just be the start of his adventure. Perhaps some non-pony viewpoints would help, or should he turn to his new family?

Published 2016-01-02 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-24 01:01:13 UTC

1 - Welcome to the Hive

I climbed up the sheer rock face, putting one hand on top of the other. The ponies had highly recommended it as a great place to get some fresh air and work out while admiring nature, and without much in the way of natural predators. If ponies could enjoy it, I was certain I could.

How did they even climb with hooves anyway? No matter, I had fingers, wondrous things, and they hooked into nooks and crannies, bringing me where I wanted to go, so long as I was slow and careful about it. Perhaps I hadn't been quite careful enough, for my hand fell right through the next rock I tried to grab. I was sent falling with a skid of small stones and debris, sliding right into a ravine and landing beside a small cave hole.

I swore with annoyance and moved to stand up, only for my left leg to give its own howl of agony. Did I break it? I wasn't sure, but it hurt a lot and I sank back down to my ass and hoped it would go away on its own. As if summoned by the very tides of fate, it began to rain on my already ruined parade. This is what I got for going outside of town, where the weather wasn't as strictly controlled!

Seeking to escape from the rain, I half-crawled into the cave I had landed beside. I fished out a lighter and flicked it a few times until its little flame shot up. I used to use it for cigs, but I lost the habit a few months after learning to live in ponyland. Whatever they used in their cigs wasn't the same, and I didn't need another addiction in my life. I kept the lighter anyway, and times like that, I was glad.

With the fire, I could see the cave wasn't very large, maybe twenty feet, with some lumpy formations of rocks strewn about. I moved to park myself on one of those lumps, just to find out there was something else there. Behind some of those rocks was the remains of some creature, perhaps black once, but time had dulled its carapace. It was some kind of insect? It had the faint remnant of wings jutting out of it, a horn, and fangs. Yep, definitely some kind of bug.

I wondered if it was the previous occupant of the cave, or some other climber that had the luck to fall down in here and waited to die... like I might? I frowned at the thought. My leg didn't hurt that bad. One night's rest and I should be able to climb back out, or so I convinced myself.

But there was still that matter of sharing space with a body of all things. I reached a foot out to nudge the thing, hoping to be rid of it, not that a little nudge was very likely to do it, but I wasn't thinking at 100% at the time. I shrieked like a little girl when it fell back, then laughed at how pathetic that had been. "A body flops and I get surprised..."

I rubbed behind my head, mussing up my red hair before I leaned forward again, considering the dead bug. I could just ignore it? Yuck, no... I got up to my feet very carefully, hobbling around it. With my good leg, and a hand supporting myself against the wall, I gave the body a much more firm kick towards the mouth of the cave, but instead of it flying, it suddenly grabbed on. I felt a pinch and a sharp pain and I yelped for real. I hurriedly reached for it, which meant my hand wasn't holding me up, and down I went in a pile of limbs and agony.

Whatever it was crawled up along me even as I tried to recover from the stabbing pain of putting weight on my leg, but there wasn't time to be worried about that! "Get off me!" I swatted at the thing, trying to brush it off, but it wasn't having it. The thing was flowing over me, encasing me in a bug suit uncomfortably quickly. The touch of my hands was enough to get its hooves to stick to me and ran up my arms in a fitful surge. Wait, hooves?

What kind of pony looked like an insect? Forget that! What kind of dead pony gobbled up humans in a damn cave?!

I pushed up to my hands and knees, but it wasn't my hands and knees. My rapidly forming shell wouldn't let me stand the old-fashioned way, still forming, squeezing, and spreading. The mask of the thing flopped down over my head and I thrashed around, trying to dislodge it in vain. Everything was colored blue, seeing through its eyes, but the blue was fading away as new scents tickled at me.

I felt a sudden flicking at my back and had to look over my shoulder to see tattered wings giving fitful twitches, and I could feel them. New pain came, and I flopped to the ground as I felt like someone was burning holes right through me. I lifted up an arm, or was that a leg? And saw it was true! A hole fell out of me and became so much ash, and other smooth round spots were falling free of me by the moment. Was I dying? I prayed to every god I could think of that I wasn't already dead and waited for the pain to end, one way or another.

It did fade, and I wasn't dead, or so I was pretty sure. I could weakly wag one hoof, then the next. I was... alive? I was different. I could see those hooves taunting me, and my snout poking out of my face. I wasn't just a pony, I was some kind of bug pony...

With a slow roll, I got up to my hooves. My leg, for all the pain I had suffered, wasn't screaming in agony anymore. One free healing for the low low price of my humanity... Great...

I looked out of the cave and saw it was still coming down in buckets. The ponies in town would surely know what the heck happened, and maybe how to fix me. I'd go to their smartest one, the purple one, Twilight Sparkle. She knew lots about everything. She'd know what I was, and what to do about it. I sat down and felt around, finding my lighter, and the shredded remains of my clothes and sighed. "Tomorrow, when it stops raining..."

Should I have panicked more? Man! You think I wasn't?! I was clinging to that hope. She had to know. I was going to be fixed. I just had to keep my head on straight, buggy or not.

Author's Note

Welcome to chapter 1~ I'll be using one or more ideas from the blog post about one shots, but it isn't a one shot. What's up with that? It's also first person.

Like? See buggy typos? Let me know!

Hate? Still let me know! I love hearing from people.

2 - Return to Town

I eventually forced myself to sleep, which was harder than it may seem. Even getting my new head to rest on my new arms, er, legs was a challenge. The muscles didn't move the same way. Some things were wired backwards, and then there were the basic physical differences. I wasted a few minutes kicking a few things around in a sudden fit of anger, just to topple over when I missed a rock and collapsed. So far, being a bug pony kind of sucked.

I stayed where I landed, and eventually found some sleep to wait out the storm, to awaken without the soft pitter patter of the rain. A little sleep's good for the soul too. I wasn't full of rage, just questions. Curiosity overwhelmed me and I reached with my new hooves to start examining myself. First, hooves could feel. That made sense from my interactions with the ponies, but experiencing it personally was new. The insides of them were more sensitive then the outside, where they seemed toughest.

Second, I was covered in a shell, but I could feel through that too. I could feel my awkward hooves as I performed that self-inspection, wandering over my barrel, up my hind legs, and started feeling one of the big holes I had. How can something alive have big holes in it? And yet, there they were. Poking around in one felt funny, so I left that alone.

Third, still a guy! It took a bit of work to confirm that, but yep, bugs have sexes, and I still had the right one. That's a relief, and it looked like most of the time, I was nicely armored from attack, so hey, bright side? It wasn't much a bright side, but I might have had a new panic attack if I'd become some kind of neuter thing, or a girl. I wasn't sure which would have been worse.

"Alright, Noah, inventory complete. Let's get out of this cave and get some help." My voice was higher pitched and just a little buzzy, like I'd imagine an insect's should be. One could argue it sounded horrifying, or cute, depending on the listener and how they felt. Being the owner, I was looking forward to not having it any longer than I had to.

I rolled up to my belly, then slowly pushed up on my new hooves, standing with a dangerous wobble. I took a moment just... being there, standing. The balance wasn't too bad. At least I had four legs to balance on, which, if you think about it, is a bit easier than two? I took a slow step, figuring things out as I started to stagger and got my hooves back under myself.

"You know what, forget it." I sank to the floor and started crawling along. It wasn't the most graceful thing, but a smooth shell and some desperation actually was making for decent time. I emerged into the light and looked around the ravine, remembering that I had fallen in a ravine. How was I planning to climb out in this buggy body?

As if in answer, my new wings gave a little buzzing and I looked back at them, craning over my shoulder. Would they work? They looked tattered and holed, like my legs. I tried to wriggle them around, learning how to work appendages I never had before. I got them to stand up, then spread out, sort of like dragonfly wings. "Well, pegasi don't fly because of their wings, too small. Equestria magic... roll with it." I prayed it worked that way, since I didn't want to be trapped in a hole forever.

I brought my wings down once, then again, getting a feel for the motion. Up, down, up, down, but I had a feeling I needed to go much faster than that. I was a bug, not a bird, which meant fast beating. I had little choice but to keep working up my speed, getting a little faster as they felt less like I was working them with strings and more like they were a part of me. Ugh, I had bug wings.

I hit whatever magical point of speed was needed and lifted up a few inches. I was so excited I stopped, and flopped right to the ground, my chin slapping up against a rock in my gracelessness. "Ow..." I crawled up to my, what was that... haunches, right, my haunches and from there fought back up to standing. "You can do this!"

I got my wings buzzing properly and the ground began to drop away slowly in fitful jerks. I swayed left and right, almost crashing into a wall if not for a quick kick of a hoof. Flying wasn't as simple as it looked, but I was going up! I began to giggle with glee as freedom came closer and closer. I wasn't trying to giggle, but my new voice box was apparently more suited for a giggle than a chuckle, or maybe I was just that excited.

When the lip of the valley got in reach, I grabbed for it, flopping down on the edge and almost falling right back into the hole, which was uncomfortably far below me. I scrambled all four legs until I was laid out on the grass, panting wildly from the effort and excitement of it. "Step two... complete."

"Darling, I'm getting a reading!" came a new, excited, and posh sounding voice. I think I recognized it even.

"I'm on it!" replied a younger voice, then came the sounds of rapid digging.

I rolled over onto my belly, pushing up to my hooves as quickly as I could, and falling onto my chest for the effort. I tried again, taking my time and getting upright, then slowly, ever so slowly, taking little shuffling steps towards the voices.

"Ooo! That diamond looks positively stunning! It will look so divine on the dress I have in mind."

"Do you mind if I have a taste of this ruby?"

Taste? Who eats gems? The economics of ponies continued to astound me as well, but that wasn't quite the time to hash out their money situations. "Help!" I shouted. "Please!"

"Did you hear that?"

"Go see who it is, brave Spike. They may need our help."

"Right!"

Spike! Right! I'd seen him before. That meant the other voice was probably Rarity, who was seen with Twilight. Both of them hung out with her. I was practically home free!

Spike burst through some bushes and stopped when he saw me. "C-changeling!" He shrilly cried, making my ears flip back with the volume of it.

"Wait! I'm not a change-thing. Please, help me!" He started to scramble away despite my words, and I tripped over myself trying to give chase, and thudded on the ground. By the time I could even roll over to get where he was back in view, I could see he had already stopped running, and was peering at me oddly.

"You're not a very good changeling."

"I don't even know what that is!"

He pointed at me. "You. You are a changeling."

Great, I had a name... "That's nice, but yesterday I was Noah, the human. Remember me?" He didn't run as I sat up on my haunches. "I'm serious. I need help."

Spike glanced back as Rarity called for him. "Look, the ponies will freak out if they see you, uh, Noah? Stay here, and let me finish up with Rarity. I'll come back, promise." He held up a claw. "Dragon's oath!"

I smiled a little, which surprised me. Bugs could smile? I guess changelings could. "Alright, but please. You're the only person I've run into so far."

He gave a thumbs up, a uniquely biped gesture, and dashed back into the bushes. "Coming, Rarity! Everything's alright!"

I just had to wait... Better than I was at the start of the day. I was making progress!

Author's Note

The chapters of this story are not going to be as long as some of my other stories. Does this bother you, please you, or meh? Let me know! As always, look out for typos. They're drawn to the pheromones of changelings.

3 - Arrival of Help?

"I can hear perfectly well, Spike. That wasn't 'nothing'."

"Oh, uh, they just got lost, ah heh. Nothing to be worried about. I pointed them right back at town and off they went."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah?"

"Then you won't mind my having a peek."

I heard rustling coming closer and knew Rarity was going to get there, Spike's assurances or no. What could I do about it? In a panic I tried to get my rebellious limbs working in harmony, but only managed to lift up into the air and come down on my side, sprawled out when Rarity's head poked free of the shrubs.

She shrieked in surprise at the sight of me and span around. "Spike! Why is there a changeling here?! Wait, are you a changeling?" She vanished back into the bush, but I could still hear her. "Is that why you wanted me to just go away?!"

"N-No! I'm 100% real dragon, promise!"

"Give me back my Spikey-Wikey this instant!" I heard a bit of a thud through the greenery as I struggled to at least sit up instead of being in a sprawled mess.

"Remember that time I got you this heart ruby and you gave it back to stop me from being a huge dragon?"

There was a brief pause. "Yes, of course I do dear... Oh it is you, Spike. Sorry for striking you."

"I've been through worse. Uh, so, we're heading back to town?"

"And leave a changeling roaming around so close to Ponyville? Have you gone mad?"

"I don't think it's roaming."

Rarity's head poked back out, looking at me. I was seated on my haunches, looking at her. Daring it, I raised a hoof and waved at her a little. She vanished back into the bushes.

"No, I suppose it isn't wandering much. That doesn't change the point! It's still a changeling, far too close to our dear town for comfort! You should be alarmed. Why aren't you bothered by this?"

Spike emerged from the bushes. "Look, come out here. We should just talk." He puffed out his chest. "Like mature ponies."

Rarity followed after him. "You are neither fully mature nor a pony, my dear dragon." She pointed a hoof at me. "So explain, please."

Being talked about as if I weren't present was, for some reason, kind of funny. It was like a performance put on just for my benefit. Still, I wanted more attention than that. "Excuse me? You know me." And I knew her. I remembered her quite well, especially in clear view.

"You do?" Rarity looked with brow raised, doubting. "The only changelings I recall meeting were during quite the brutish exchange."

Spike nodded quickly. "This is Noah, the human. He bought a few sets of clothes from you."

Rarity blinked softly. "You were a changeling the entire time?!" Her voice hit a shrill note, but she didn't flee, so yay for that.

"No, I promise. I was a human yesterday, and got changed, uh, into a changeling. I didn't even know what this is called until Spike told me." I tried to hold out both of my forehooves like I'd seen ponies do, and ended up flopping forward without balance.

Spike hiked a thumb at me. "If he is a changeling, he's not a very intimidating one."

Rarity glanced at Spike. "Have you been reading up on Twilight's books, darling? You do have a point though. As changelings go, this is a very sorry specimen. Why, he hasn't even tried to hide himself."

"Hide myself?" I sat back up. "I'm a big black bug pony. How would I hide? Behind a rock?"

Rarity shook her head, looking between me and Spike. "He's joking? You aren't joking... Dear me..." She stepped towards me hesitantly, Spike plodding beside her. "Look, I don't know whether you're telling the truth or you've woven a very clever cover story, changelings are good for that. Either way, I'd stay away from Ponyville if you don't want the likes of Twilight Sparkle to contend with." She made a soft shooing motion. "Go on, go find a hive or whatever changelings do."

Spike moved between me and her. "Hey, stop that! I believe him."

Rarity leaned towards him. "You are too trusting. But fine! Some things can only be learned by experience." She turned away as if ready to return to town. "Help me get the wagon back to town, then you can play with your new friend if you insist, but don't follow it anywhere dangerous."

Spike saluted sharply. "Yes, Sir! Uh, Ma'am!" He waved at me just as quickly. "I'll be right back, you just wait here."

I'd heard that before... Still, sitting up was hard, so I let myself flop back down and relax for a moment. "I should be here, unless something wanders by with a taste for bugs."

They went off together and I eventually heard wagon wheels being pulled off into the distance. Small ones, like a kid's wagon, not a horse-drawn variety. With them gone likely for a while, I decided to try the whole standing and walking thing out again. I fought up to my hooves and began making slow circles in pathetically tiny steps, but they were my steps, darn it. I'd figure this out. I wasn't going to be defeated by mostly-equine anatomy.

By the time I heard footsteps coming back, I was only falling over when I tried to turn sharply. I could even manage a little faster, if still kind of sad, speed. When Spike emerged from the bushes, I tried waving at him and balancing on the other three hooves. Mistake. I fell right over, crashing to the grass. At least the dirt and grass was softer than rocks.

4 - A Dragon's Wisdom

Spike helped me sit up. "You alright? You've been falling over a lot."

I shook myself out. "Hey, you try suddenly going quadruped."

"Been there." He waved a claw. "It wasn't so bad."

I had to just stare at him a moment. I was being showed up by a baby dragon. I was straight up punked. "Alright, so... how?"

Spike fell over to all fours, which looked natural enough on him. "Well, you just have to..." And he just went right into lesson time. Bless his scaly little heart if he wasn't showing it decently, and I started following his steps. Sure, there was some difference between a bugpony's stance and a dragon's, but most of it was pretty applicable, and he didn't hurry me. We must have wasted, I mean, spent at least an hour or two just drilling walking before he suddenly started grinning.

"Now that you aren't falling over just walking, you get to move on to advanced tricks."

I didn't like his smile. "How about I get turned back so I don't have to do this?"

Spike rolled a claw at me as he stood up. "One thing at a time. You need to move faster than a newborn foal. I've seen Twilight and plenty of other ponies move, and it's not a walk." He fell back to all fours. "They move two legs at a time, like this." He went into a trot, bouncing around. "They practically default to this unless they're really tired." Bouncy bouncy, look at him go. "They can do it slow and fast. The only thing faster than this is the gallop, but we'll save that for another day."

I nodded at him, watching his bouncing gait. They really did move like that, thinking on it. It was kind of adorable when they got together and you ended up with so many cute ponies doing their cute walk, and there I was, another cute.... pony? Or disgusting bug pony. Still a pony, dang it!

I lifted two legs and wobbled dangerously until Spike hurried up and put a claw on my side, supporting me. "Keep it slow, I'm here for ya buddy." He smiled brightly, and I couldn't help but return it.

"Thanks, you know, for taking the time." I put those hooves down and lifted the other two. It was even slower than walking, but I was still getting used to the idea of it. "This can't be that much fun, watching a guy struggle to move."

"What are friends for?" He moved with me, giving little tips to get my movement smoother.

"Are we friends?" I asked as I advanced. "I mean, sure, I saw you around town, but we barely talked."

Spike paused a moment, thinking. "Right! A friend in need is a friend indeed. It was written in one of Twilight's books."

I laughed at that. "Twilight sure has a lot of books. I guess you get to read a good portion of them."

"Most of them are boring." He waved it off. "But sometimes I read the stories. Do you like comics?"

"Sure." I wobbled a moment before I got my balance back. "Do they make comics in pony land?"

"Equestria you mean?" After I nodded, he continued. "Sure they do! It's harder to get the good ones way out here in Ponyville, but I have a good collection. I'll show some to you when we get back."

Get back? "What, you're taking me home?"

Spike turned to face me, getting in my way. "What else could I do? If anypony's gonna know how to fix you, it'd be Twilight."

I tensed a little. I mean, sure, he was right, but... "Will she help or zap me?"

Spike snorted. "Oh please. I'll go in first, tell her what's up and then she won't be surprised. Come to think of it, Rarity might already be telling her..." He rubbed at his chin. "And everypony else that stands still long enough."

"Is that good or bad?"

"That depends on what she's telling them." He pointed up to the large crystal tower. "That's where Twilight is. Maybe we should avoid Ponyville for now and get right to it."

I nodded quickly at that and lifted each hoof one at a time. "So... how bad is it anyway? Am I that ugly?"

Spike raised a brow as he looked me over. "Uh... Well, you're not Rarity, but who is, except Rarity? I don't know what makes a handsome changeling or not, sorry." He shrugged. "You're just kind of a bug."

"While we're on that topic." He was leading the way around the town and I followed, trying that trotting step and feeling quite awkward doing it. "What did Rarity mean by hiding?"

"Oh!" Spike looked over his shoulder. "The last time we ran into changelings, they were all shapeshifting into other things. Fwoosh! Green fire, sort of like this." He spat out a lick of green flames. "It'd just wash over them and then they were something else. They can imitate anypony they want, I think."

"Now that... sounds scary and useful." I looked back over myself, buzzing my wings as I considered my body. "So how do I do that?"

"Hay if I know." Spike shrugged. "Maybe Twilight'll know, or she'll zap you back into being a human before we have to worry about it. Either way's a win, right?"

I smiled a little. "Yeah..." Actually, either of those did sound good. At least not being a bug would be a huge step up. Being a proper human again would be ideal. "Let's find her before anything else goes wrong."

I should really learn not to say things like that in Equestria. I think this world listens.

Author's Note

Noah! Think before you speak, sheesh. You'll bring typos on all of our heads!

5 - To the Rescue

"Cutie Mark Crusaders, bug hunters!" Three small fillies swung in from nowhere, hanging onto ropes (despite not having hands) and crashed into me, sending me flying a few feet. It was the most adorable beatdown I'd suffered so far.

Spike peered at them. "Hey guys, could you not beat my friend up?"

Apple Bloom stopped her forward charge and peered at Spike. "Did ya say yer friend? That's a changeling!"

Scootaloo bobbed her head. "Uh huh, and Rainbow Dash says beating one up is only for ultra cool people."

Sweetie Belle put a hoof on her chest. "And we're very cool."

I stood up, shaking myself off. I knew these three. It was impossible to live in Ponyville and not know of these three. "I thought you three already had your marks?"

They turned as once to show off their cutie marks. Apple Bloom, their unspoken leader, smiled brightly. "Sure do!"

Spike rolled a claw. "So why are you doing things like this?"

Sweetie Belle shrugged. "To be helpful, of course. Besides, there aren't any cutie mark related problems at the moment."

Scootaloo approached me and reached out a hoof. I flinched back and she hesitated. "Hey, if Spike says you're alright, you probably are. Can I see you turn into something?"

Apple Bloom bobbed her head at that, bouncing up beside Scootaloo. "Do me, do me!"

I couldn't help but laugh at the implications of those words, as innocent as they were intended. "I can try, but, really, I have no idea what I'm doing."

Spike shrugged from behind them. "They aren't likely to leave us alone until you try. What's the harm?"

What's the harm? Well... I took a slow breath and sat down. "Alright, I'll try, but no promises. I wasn't a bug yesterday."

Sweetie Belle looked perplexed. "What were you yesterday? Oh! Were you shapeshifting?"

I put a hoof over my face without falling over. Baby steps! "Not exactly. Alright, um..." I looked to Apple Bloom and tried to take in everything about her. "Maybe if I just want to be you..." Small, adorable, a filly, bow in my mane, and looking so hopeful. I mean, no, I didn't want to be a filly, but looking like her for a few moments wasn't going to hurt anything.

I felt a warmth building inside of me, but when I got distracted by it, it went away. "Shoot, I think I was getting close."

Apple Bloom tilted her head. "Ya didn't do nuthin'."

"It's all inside, one second..." I stared at her and kept thinking about her. The heat started to tickle at me, but I tried to ignore it, and just kept staring and thinking about being her. The heat got more and more intense, and flared up. I could see fire for a moment and jerked back, just to notice the whole world suddenly got bigger.

The three began to cheer and dance around me. Scootaloo reached and grabbed me. "You look just like her!"

Sweetie Belle clopped her hooves. "Do me next! You're pretty nice, for a changeling."

Spike clapped his claws loudly. "Break it up, break it up. I have to get him to Twilight so she can fix this."

I felt a hoof go over my little snout suddenly and Scootaloo dashed off with me as the other Apple Bloom stepped forward. "Alright, Ah'm ready."

Spike blinked. "Wow, that disguise is good. It even got the accent."

"Ah know, crazy ain't it--" She was still talking, but I was too far away to hear the rest. Sweetie Belle came charging after us. My squirms did little, as awkward as they were in a new body. How did I change back?!

Before I knew it, we were in a tree house. Scootaloo put me on a stool as Sweetie Belle closed the door. Sweetie sauntered towards me with a seductive (?) strut. "No reason to be in a hurry. We're going to play. You'll have lots of fun."

Was this what my dirty mind thought it was? "Uh..." I sounded like Apple Bloom. "Ya do know Ah'm the changeling, right?" Oh god, it really did copy her accent.

Scootaloo grinned. "Of course we do!"

"Alright... So, why are we here?" I glanced around the small treehouse. "I really should get to Twilight's."

Sweet clopped her hooves, sitting down. "We're going to have some fun first, then we'll take you to her, promise! Scootaloo, get the photo book."

Scootaloo saluted and dashed off, returning with a thick leather-clad-looking book. She flipped it open and revealed a picture of Rainbow Dash, rainboom exploding behind her. "Do her!"

"Ah'm not sure it works on pictures..."

Sweetie Belle smiled at me. "Oh, come on. I'm sure you've seen RD before. Just imagine her."

It was true, I had seen RD before. Maybe if I became a larger pony... Actually. I started picturing the largest pony I knew, picturing him from every angle I had seen him from.

The look of concentration seemed to be noticed and they started giggling with anticipation, though that turned to shock as I swelled up with a fresh gust of flame. I clopped the wood with a heavy hoof and gave them all a glaring at.

Scootaloo shook her head. "That isn't RD at all! You messed up."

"Nope."

Sweetie Belle pouted. "Aw, come on. We just want to have a little fun."

"Nope."

Scootaloo rubbed one foreleg with the other. "You aren't mad at us, are you?"

I shook my head. "Nope, not if you let me go. Ah got places t'be."

Sweetie Belle sighed on her way to the door, and with a glow of her horn, had it open quietly. "Sorry... We just wanted to play a little."

I put a big hoof on her head and mussed up her mane a little. I wasn't really angry at them, especially now that I didn't feel intimidated.

So I just had two challenges. How do I find Spike, and how do I stop looking like Big Mac?

Author's Note

Noah, big castle, dominates the horizon? Why aren't you listening to me?!

Ah well, he'll have to figure it out himself.

6 - He Hungers

Just outside their clubhouse, I encountered the most vicious of opponents. Stairs. I took a slow step down, just to pitch forward and tumble down to the bottom in a sudden forced movement of discomfort and pain. The world had grown again. I was back to being a black bug, not a red stallion.

Being the big stallion felt safer than the bug and I tried to flip back into it, just to feel a painful rumbling in my gut. I was hungry, enough to distract from picturing ponies. Maybe being ponies took energy? Heck, maybe big ponies was more than smaller ponies, for all I knew.

I gathered myself up to my hooves and looked down at my hooves as I began to get the two-leg gait back down, trying to trot like Spike showed me, but I didn't get far before an angry voice called out, "Git off mah farm, ya damn bug!" I looked over to see an orange pony charging with fury in her eyes.

Well shoot... I figured obeying her wishes was likely the healthiest option and turned my trot away from her and her farm. I hadn't even noticed I was in a farm before, but I could see rows on rows of apple trees. More of an orchard, really, but none of that helped much in the current pursuit of getting away.

I was a bit faster, but just as ungainly, tripping every few steps as I fell into a good panic on the way. My lackluster performance seemed to be noticed by the orange pony, who slowed down a little with a tilted head. "What in tarnation? Why aren't ya flyin' away, ya hole-ridden emotional mosquito?"

That was a fine question, come to think. I looked over my shoulder at my wings and started buzzing them. "Sorry, still new at this. What do you mean emotional?"

She shook her head slowly. "Ya serious?"

I stopped and nodded at her, turning around to face her. "I don't mean to cause any trouble. I'm just trying to get to Twilight's for help."

She cocked a brow at me with a look of clear distrust. "Uh huh. And just who said that was a good idea? She don't like you varmints none more than I do. And who said you could stop?!" She made a shooing motion at me. "Get off mah farm."

I felt my ears go down. "I'm tired and hungry, sorry. I've been running around all day."

Confusion played across her features as she frowned delicately. "So, what, ya wanted an apple? We got a stand for that. If'n ya came for a drink, ain't gonna fool none of us inta that, so git!"

I had no idea what I would be fooling them into, besides not kicking me out or attacking me. "I wasn't a changeling yesterday. Do you remember Noah, the human?"

"Sure, hard not to notice when one of them move in t'town. What about the fella?"

I sat down and pointed at myself with a hoof. "Me! That's me."

She rolled a hoof. "Noah ain't no bug. Twilight checked when he moved into town."

I shrugged softly. "So take me to her. She'll figure it out, right? Or zap me, either way."

She let out a slow sigh. "Alright, look. If yer tellin' the truth, mah name's Applejack, but AJ's fine. I ain't had much good out of changelings, so you're on thin ice, buster."

I couldn't help but smile. Thin ice was already a huge step up from 'get off my lawn!'. I'd take what I could get. "Thank you. Uh, about that apple... That sounds pretty good right now actually."

That brow went right back up. "I didn't know changelings even liked apples." She kicked a tree with one leg, an idle tap, and an apple fell right on her hat, balanced like it was nothing. She approached at an easy trot and set it in front of me. "Now yer gonna come right with me. I--"

"Applejack!" We both turned towards the new voice to see Spike hurrying down the path with a petulant looking Apple Bloom trailing behind. "Don't hurt him!"

He rushed right up, just to double over, panting for breath. "Don't... hurt him..."

Applejack set a hoof on his shoulder. "Take it easy there, Spike. Ah ain't hurtin' him. Hay, reckon I ain't done much more than scared him a tad."

I nodded a little at that and reached for the apple, just to sort of knock it over. How do you grab things with hooves?! I began kicking it around until I managed to trap it between both forehooves and lift it up slowly.

Spike pointed back at Apple Bloom. "She pretended to be him and separated us."

Apple Bloom pouted. "It was just fer fun..."

Applejack slowly shook her head. "How did mah sister pretend to be a bug?"

I managed a bite and crunched it down. It was delicious, but not filling. I needed more. "I was pretending to be her, because all of the girls asked me to."

Applejack put a hoof on Apple Bloom's withers, pulling her forward. "Well, someone ain't getting dessert fer a few days."

"Aw..."

"Spike, I trust you have this in claw?"

Spike gave a sharp salute. "On it." He turned to me, watching me make short work of the apple. "Huh, really hungry huh?"

I hadn't left anything of it, even the core. "I still am. I'm glad to see you again, Spike." I stood up. "Did you talk to Twilight yet?"

He shook his head. "The moment I got close to the castle, Apple Bloom fessed up and we got to walking here. This was the first place they would have taken you. They didn't hurt you or anything, did they?"

I waved a hoof, and stayed upright for a change. "They were harmless, mostly. I'm fine, just starved."

Spike tapped at his chin with the end of a claw. "I could be misremembering, but Chrysalis said they eat love, last I checked."

"Eat... love?" I frowned, wings buzzing a little. "How do you eat an abstract emotion?!"

Spike shrugged. "Search me, but that's what she said, and she's the queen of all changelings, so I'd think she knows."

I sat down with a grunt, my belly still rumbling. "We need to start at the, you know, start. Tell me how changelings work. I'd vote for heading to Twilight, but It's getting worse and the apple didn't help."

Spike glanced around a moment. "Alright, so here's how I heard it..."

Author's Note

Why didn't that corpse come with an instructional manual? I thought that was required by law...

Instead all we get is typos.

7 - Spike Explains

Spike led me towards the tower, big and jutting and purple as he was. "Well, alright. So there was this huge wedding..."

"Weddings have what to do with me?" I peered at him suspiciously.

"Oh, well, that's where the story starts." He looked back at me. "You holding up there? You don't look so good."

I felt even worse. "Can we fast forward to the part where I eat?"

Spike held up his claws. "Sure sure, alright, so, Chrysalis took on the form of one of our princesses and used the love Shining Armor had for her, the princess that is, to feed. Most changelings do that, I think. Become somepony somepony else likes and poof, dinner time!"

Right, dinner time... "I'm not trying to fool ponies like that. That sounds pretty mean, hiding as their loved ones."

Spike shrugged softly, then clapped his claws. "Well why not do it with somepony that already knows what you are?"

I raised a hairless brow at him. "What, like you? Then you'd know it wasn't whoever I pretended to be. Would that even work?"

Spike looked uncertain, tapping his feet on the ground. "Well... Do you have a better idea?"

I hadn't. I brought a pony to mind, but it almost hurt to even think about. I pushed through it anyway, gritting my teeth as I kept it firmly in place. The flames weakly sputtered over me, and it was done. I was a little larger, white, with, well, fabulous mane and tail.

Spike perked up. "Oh! I... guess I should have seen that coming." Despite his words, I could feel something coming from him as he stepped closer. "You really do look like her, wow!" He started to circle me, but my awareness of him was changing. He wasn't a friend, he was food. Food I desperately needed.

I suddenly jumped for him, pinning him with white hooves and leaning in for what would have been a kiss if our faces actually touched. I drew the energy from him and it rushed from his open mouth right into my empty belly. It was a pleasure I never knew before and I trembled on top of him even as he squirmed in the throes of whatever it felt like from his end.

A little thought managed to creep back into me and I got worried. Was I hurting him? I slapped my mouth shut and the energy stopped flowing. He went limp even as I stepped off of him. "Spike?" I had Rarity's accent. "Darling, are you alright? I'm terribly sorry."

Spike put a claw to his head before slowly sitting up. "It feels like the train ran me over. Oh, hey Rarity!" He scrambled to get up to his feet and I could feel a warm little trickle coming from him. Did he really forget I was a changeling? It was delicious and warm and sweet. It ran over my tongue like light cookie dough and for just a moment I just savored being in his presence. My hunger was fleeing quickly.

"You alright, Rarity?"

Oh! Right. "Spike, dear, did you forget?"

"Huh?"

"Now don't be alarmed, but this is Noah, remember?"

Spike jerked back, his eyes going wide. "Oh!" He reached out anyway, putting a claw on my chest. "If you didn't say that, I wouldn't have known."

I smiled gently at him. "I should turn back. Are we sure you aren't being hurt by this?"

Spike patted himself down before looking back up at me. "I feel fine, besides getting a little dizzy back there. How'd I end up on the ground anyway? Did I fall over?"

I was tempted to go with his theory, but he'd been a friend to me and deserved truth. "I knocked you over. Sorry, darling, but I was simply overcome and needed it." I put a hoof to my belly. "I feel much better now."

Spike gave an uncertain nod. "Maybe it would be best if you went back to normal, if you're all better?"

I imagined myself as a bug, but caught myself. If I could imagine myself as a bug... Why not a human? I thought about my old self and tried to hold it, but nothing happened besides me snapping back to being a bug in a flash of fire. "Damn it."

"What?"

"I tried to go back to being Noah and it didn't work." I stomped a hoof. "Maybe I can only be ponies?"

Spike shrugged. "I guess that makes sense. Changelings are made to hunt ponies, or maybe you just need practice?" His tone made it clear he was out of his depth. "Anyway, now that you're better, we really should get going to Twilight's. She'll know what to do!" He turned away and started walking towards the tower.

"I'm glad I ran into you, Spike." I trotted after him, stumbling, but moving. "You've been really great through this, thanks, really."

"Aw, it wasn't nothing big." He waved it off. "I'm just following the Dragon Code."

I moved up beside him. "What does that entail, exactly? Humans don't have a human code. Do ponies have a pony code?"

He cocked a brow. "Are you making fun of me?"

"What? No! I promise." I flashed my new fangs. "You're my hero of the day, Spike. I'm serious, what is the Dragon Code?"

Spike fished out a card with a crude crayon drawing on it. "The dragon code is what all good dragons follow to be honorable and to uphold the ideals of justice and civility."

I blinked softly. "Twilight is rubbing off on you."

"Tell me about it." He cracked a smile. "Make sense?"

It made perfect sense. It was his personal set of rules. If he wanted to call it the Dragon Code, nothing wrong with that. "Sounds good. I wish everyone lived up to those standards."

Spike beamed with pride. Next stop, Twilight's castle/tower/home.

Nothing could get in our way!

Author's Note

Noah, don't do it Noah! Too late.

He's typo chow now.

8 - To the Castle!

Spike looked aside at me as we went. "Hey, you're not looking so clumsy."

"Huh, really?" I tilted my head a bit. "I feel clumsy."

He waved a claw and smiled. "But you're getting better, honest."

I supposed that was a good thing. If I was on four legs, I could at least use those legs properly. I started thinking about where each hoof was going more actively and almost stumbled for it. I didn't think Spike was wrong. The fact that I could let it slip out of my head meant I was getting a little better. "Too bad there's not going to be much use for this once I get turned back."

Spike shrugged. "You could always ask Twilight to let you try being a normal pony for a while? She's pretty good at species spells. I've seen her throw a few."

A normal pony? I looked down at my hole-ridden legs and ran a tongue over my sharp fangs. "That'd scare a lot less people."

We arrived at the giant purple tower, and nothing jumped out to get in our way! Spike led the way inside, but I couldn't get through the door. It was as if the door was closed despite being wide open. I just thudded against the air and crashed to the ground.

Spike scratched at his fins lightly. "Huh, maybe Twilight put up an anti-changeling ward when I wasn't looking. Alright, you wait here, and I'll go get her, okay?"

I sat up, rubbing my sore nose. "Sure, go ahead. I don't have much choice."

"Spike! Is that you?" came a female voice inside the tower, approaching with an energetic clip-clop. "Get away from that door, something just set off the alarm and I don't want you getting..." I could see Twilight as she rounded a corner and she looked at me, and I at her. It was very quiet.

Spike put up his claws quickly, waving them back and forth. "Stop whatever you're thinking! He's a good guy, promise!"

Twilight raised a brow, stepping slowly forward. "Explain, quickly."

Spike waved at me. "This is Noah, you know, the human?"

Twilight paused again. "Noah's not a changeling. I checked for that already, Spike. This can't be Noah."

"But I am," I whined a little. "I didn't ask to be a changeling. Some creepy dead changeling did this to me."

Twilight looked to Spike. "Can he prove he's Noah?"

Spike shrugged. "I had to teach him how to walk, and the CMC had to teach him how to disguise himself. If he's a changeling, he's the worst changeling ever."

I bobbed my new head and tried to walk forward, just to bonk up against the invisible wall. "Twilight, please. I need help."

Twilight frowned a little, then nodded. With a twinkle of magic on her horn and a gesture of a hoof. "Come in, quickly."

I scurried through the hole, almost collapsing over my own hooves in the process. I could feel the hole mending itself behind me, keeping other changelings out. "Thank you. I'm really Noah, promise. Besides, I'm only one changeling. I'll do what you say, alright?"

Twilight nodded. "Alright," she agreed. "This way." She only half-turned away, keeping me in sight. "You first, to the stairs. We need to do a full examination of you first to validate your story and begin looking for solutions." She clopped her forehooves. "And even if you're lying, I never had a chance to properly examine a changeling!" Her voice had gone from suspicious to giddily eager. "Just think of all the advancements I could make!"

I wasn't sure if I liked her more when she was suspicious or eyeing me like a rare specimen. "Don't forget I'm a person under this hard shell."

Twilight waved it off. "Go on, you. Nothing I'll do will be harmful in the least, so don't worry. Besides, if I'm going to reverse this effect, I'll need to thoroughly analyze it." She spread her wings. "You have my word, as Princess of Friendship, that I'll be gentle."

Spike shrugged a little. "She usually means it if she says it like that. Come on, her lab's this way." He scampered out ahead of everyone and led the way. I decided to trust in Spike, if no one else, and followed after him.

"You walk like a foal," came Twilight's voice behind me. "Which is quite remarkable for someone who didn't have the proper anatomy before, but it may lend some credence to your story. Do you feel any pains or discomforts?"

"I was hungry before," I admitted. "Spike helped me with that."

I could feel her staring a hole in my rump. "How did he manage that?"

Shoot, maybe I shouldn't have brought that up... "Well, he wanted to help. It was his idea, I swear!"

Her magic wrapped around me warmly and spun me around to face her. "What did you do to him? If you hurt a single scale on his head..."

I put up my forehooves, and promptly fell over. "Oof, sorry! I didn't hurt him!"

Spike noticed we had paused and turned around. "What's the hold up, Twi?"

Twilight forced her scowl away. "Just making sure our new friend is on the up and up." She smiled, but it looked fake to me, twitching faintly at the corners. "He didn't do anything 'funny' to you, did he?"

Spike turned red quickly, which was apparently clue enough to Twilight. She brought down a hoof beside my head. "What. Did. You. Do?"

Author's Note

Twilight is displeased.

She probably noticed the typos.

9 - I can Explain

"Promise me you won't zap me as I tell you."

Twilight raised a hoof to her chest, taking a large breath, then released it as she moved the hoof away. "Right, yes." A forced smile spread on her snout. "I promise, any zappings will wait until after the retelling of events is complete." Her magic grabbed me up roughly and threw me onto a chair. "So get talking."

Spike waved his claws at Twilight. "Hey, be easy on him! He didn't do anything wrong!"

Twilight glared at Spike. "You've been influenced, I can't trust your word right now. Don't worry, I'll have this all handled in a moment."

Spike darkened but in a subtly different way. "No! You will not dismiss me right now, Twilight."

Twilight gasped. "It's further along than I th--"

Spike hopped up and grabbed her snout, silencing her. "Listen to me! It was totally my idea that he turn into Rarity so he wouldn't starve to death. We didn't even do anything but stare at each other a little. Stop picking on him!"

Twilight's horn lit up as she pulled Spike off of her snout. "He didn't..."

I shook my head quickly. "Whatever you're thinking, we didn't do that. C'mon, he's a baby dragon. I'm not a monster."

Twilight turned back to me. "That is exactly what is being debated." She grabbed Spike suddenly in her magic and brought him before her, floating as she looked him over with squinted eyes. "You look alright though."

"I am." Spike floated there with his arms crossed, looking deadpan at the pony he was assistant of. "He's the one that needs your help, not me. This isn't much what I'd expect from the Princess of Friendship."

Twilight set him down gently. "Right... Right... Of course. Spike, you know I care about you very much. This sort of thing upsets me."

Spike put a claw on her chest. "I appreciate that. We're family, but right now, somepony else needs us more than I do."

I nodded my head quickly, wings popping out. "I'd like to be human again."

Twilight looked me over critically. "Hmm, so, if I take this at face value, you were the human in town, Noah? How are you adjusting to a quadruped anatomy? Have you been able to control your wings, tail, ears, and other new muscle groups?" Her expression had shifted from anger and doubt to scientific curiosity so quickly. "Tell me how it happened."

That didn't sound like a solution and I sighed softly. "I'm adjusting fine. Spike taught me how to trot, and I flew to get out of the ravine I started in." I stood up on the chair she had dropped me on and gave my tail a little wag. "That works." Strangely, my ears were harder to control, wanting to move on their own and on their own schedule.

"Fascinating." Twilight summoned a notebook and got right to jotting notes furiously a moment. "So how did this happen?"

So I told her the story of the dead changeling I found, and how it became my new body quite suddenly.

Twilight scowled, but not at me directly. "Interesting... I've never seen or read anything like that before. I'd love to examine that changeling, but I suppose I already am." She approached that chair and circled around me, eyes locked on me. "This goes double for being so far away from any hive I'm aware of. It must have been an unusual changeling to start."

"About turning me back?"

Twilight shrugged her shoulders. "So quickly? You could be an extinct sub-species! Think of the implications! If I go turning you back right away, then we'll never know. We could be giving up a once in a thousand year opportunity!"

Spike rolled a claw. "If he wants to be turned back, doesn't that rate higher?"

Twilight looked clearly torn on the morality of the case. I sighed softly. "Look, even if I was willing to bite the bullet in the name of science, who's going to volunteer to be fed on? Apples won't do it, we tried."

Twilight clopped her forehooves suddenly. "We can! At least, if you consent to be our specimen for a little while."

"How long is 'little'?"

Twilight reared up, her hooves coming down on the edge of the chair as she smiled at me in what I assumed was a hopeful way. "A few months at most? We'll pay you for your time!"

As jobs went, it wasn't, inherently, the most awful I'd been offered, but... "I don't want to be locked in this castle, nice as it is, for months."

Twilight waved it off. "You'll have hours like anypony else doing a job and can leave while you're off-duty. I'll throw in room and board." Her tail wagged excitedly. "Please..."

Spike hiked a thumb at me. "So you'll explain to the town why there's a changeling living with them suddenly?"

Twilight went still a moment, then let out a breath and nodded. "I'll do it, if he says yes." She looked back at me. "Think of it this way. It's a unique experience. You'll get to learn your new form better. Aren't you the slightest bit curious as to what you can do, and can't do? This is the safest way to find out. Maybe you'll even enjoy it."

Learning to enjoy it sounded kind of bad. "I want to be human again, for sure."

She rolled a hoof. "But for now?"

Her hopeful expression, those bright eyes and that almost-painful looking smile all tugged at me. "Fine... But if I get tired of it, I want to be turned back right away. Promise me that." I thrust a hole-ridden hoof at her.

"Deal!" She met my hoof with her own in a soft clop. "Now where did I put that..." She began wandering off.

Spike glanced at her and back to me. "Well, you've thrown her into full research mode. Be ready to ride the nerd wave." He offered a claw. "Welcome to the family."

I put my hoof in his claw and we shook on it. A few months wouldn't be so bad, right?

Author's Note

Noah's journey ends at the tender hooves of Twilight Sparkle. I leave it to your imagination how the experiments go for him and whether or not he goes back to human or embraces the bug at the end of it.

I hope you enjoyed the story. Did? Didn't? Let me know below!

The typos will escort you to the closest exit when you're ready.

10 - I'm a Bug?

I woke up that morning and stretched out before I rolled out of bed. Twilight had provided a comfortable one, but that didn't make facing myself in the bathroom any easier. There wasn't any rush pushing me along. There was no miracle cure waitng for me. It was me, and the creature looking back at me, that everyone claimed was me.

I raised a hoof and waved it slowly, and the creature waved it back, identical holes and all. I grunted with annoyance and climbed into the shower, getting it going. I'd discovered eating like I was starving was enough to survive and even change a little, so I did. Not because I had to, but because I didn't want to be a bug right that moment. I took the form of my tormentor, and soon Twilight's voice echoed through the shower, singing a delightfully human song she would never know. She had a nice voice, at least, and I was fuzzy instead of hard. Fuzzy was easier to deal with.

The fact that it creeped her out when she heard or saw herself was a little side benefit. It was her fault I wasn't already a human, she could suffer a few heebie jeebies along the way.

A soft knocking came from the door. "Hey, Noah? You in there?" It was Spike.

I turned off the faucet with a bit of green magic. Changelings could move things with their mind just like unicorns if they wanted to, and with practice, which I was getting. "It's either me, or Twilight's using Noah's shower like a very naughty unicorn."

"Oh, uh, right. You available?"

I grabbed a towel with a hoof, another skill I was practicing, and got to drying my purple body. "Come on in. Nothing you haven't already seen before."

I heard the door open, and Spike appeared at the door to the bathroom a moment later. "Hey, are you ready for the wedding?"

Wedding? "What wedding?" I hung the towel up and became my buggy self, feeling a bit drained for it. "What wedding would want a changeling at it?"

Spike produced an invitation from behind his back. "The one Twilight and, I repeat, 'All residents of the castle' are invited to, which includes you."

I scowled at him. "Who's even getting married?"

He shrugged. "Does it matter? Think of it this way. Free buffet."

"What?" I looked around for something fancy to wear, but Twilight hadn't been very impressed with my pleas for clothing. Changelings didn't need clothes, she insisted.

He waved over his shoulder. "Come on, it'll be fun. You hide out too often these days."

I raised a chitinous brow at him. "Maybe that's because I'm a damn..." I sank my head a little. "I don't want to be seen like this. I don't want to be like this."

He put a claw on my shoulder. "C'mon, is it really that bad?"

"Yes."

He held up three digits. "Name three things, specifically."

I sat on my haunches and glared at him. "Alright, I'm the hardest person in the room. I'm even less colorful than I was before, which I didn't think was possible, in the land of colorful cheer. And the last bit, I'm not human. I'm not me." I put my forehooves to my chest. "I wake up every morning to the reminder that I have the wrong number of legs, big fangs I wasn't born with and a thousand other little things."

Spike nodded slowly. "Alright, do I get a turn?" I shrugged, so he continued, "Cool. So you're the only changeling allowed in the whole town, that's pretty unique. Everyone who knows you is sympathetic, not scared or horrified. And! Twilight owes you big time. See, three good things." He put his claws on his hips. "Now come on! You need to see your friends and stop hiding."

"You never answered who was getting married." I wobbled a hoof. "Is it someone I even know?"

"Matilda and Cranky, the two donkies?"

I knew the two. They were both surprised to see a human, but they were polite enough about it... "Are they going to flip out having a changeling there? I don't want to crash their wedding."

Spike waved dismissively. "I promise, they'll be way too busy with the wedding to even notice you're there. Just be polite, show up, and maybe say hello to somepony you know. It'll be fun."

A thought hit me.. "What did you mean by a buffet before?"

"Well they are serving food and stuff. Most weddings do." He shrugged.

There was more to it, more.. It clicked. "Wait a second. There's going to be love energy pouring all over the place, to and from them."

Spike stroked a chin. "Huh, guess so. See, more reasons to go. Come on. You haven't had a real meal in forever."

I rose up to all fours. "Fine, but I'm not a monster. I'll take whatever comes my way, and not a shred more."

Spike smiled wide as a mile. "Great! I'm telling you, it'll be fun! You need to stop moping. I mean, sure, it sucks, but you'll get turned back once she's done, right? Life isn't over."

I followed after him as he led the way out of the tower. As we walked, I saw a huge... thing, part bear, part bee, doing battle with Twilight and her friends. The local ponies didn't seem worried. I tapped Spike's shoulder. "Shouldn't we help?"

"Nah, she has it under control."

Just like that, we went past their furious melee, bound for the wedding.

Author's Note

You marked this finished! I'm calling you out, Mr. Author. You're off my christmas list!

Feh, I say. I celebrate Hearth's Warming anyway.