Vinyl Scratch Does a Crap Ton of Cocaine

by ROBCakeran53

Rating: mature
Tags: Octavia, Random, Slice of Life, DJ P0N-3, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3593

Vinyl hosts a party, does a lot of coke, and somehow nopony dies.

When Vinyl's ego is at risk, she sets it upon herself to host the Party to End All Parties while higher than a kite on cocaine. Octavia immediately recognizes this as a bad idea, and Princess Twilight Sparkle just wants everypony to be happy and friendshippy.

It's only by the grace of God Celestia, that no pony dies.

Rated Teen Mature for language and substance abuse... lots of substance abuse...

Lazily edited by Majin Syeekoh and eventually Daemon of Decay.

Published 2016-01-03 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-03 01:30:02 UTC

LSD and expired punch don't mix, yo.

Author's Note

What am I doing with my life?

LSD and expired punch don't mix, yo.

Octavia Melody stared out at the chaos that had once been a fun party for the residents of Ponyville. Now, the tent was on fire, ponies were screaming and running for their lives from an imaginary monster, and Princess Twilight Sparkle was still tied to a tree.

Beside her, Vinyl Scratch, with her trademark shades cracked and bent, allowed her bloodshot eyes to be visible as she tried to comprehend exactly what in Equestria was happening, why her tent was on fire, and how it was supposedly her fault.

Vinyl sniffled, her nasal passages dry. A small amount of blood flowed from the right nostril, unsure if it was because of Octavia punching her earlier, or that maybe, just maybe…

“Okay, so I miiiiight have done a tad too much cocaine.”

Octavia proceeded to tackle the mare, screaming the entire time.

Five Hours Earlier…

“So let me get this straight, you’re saying that you can out do Pinkie Pie?”

Vinyl Scratch was grinning ear to ear. Sure, she had to admit that the party thrown for Rainbow Dash was pretty awesome, but she knew she could do better.

“Oh yeah, Octy. I’m gonna throw a party so off the hook, not even a fisherman could catch up.”

“Vinyl, that didn’t make any sense.”

Vinyl tapped her chin. “Yeah, you’re right. Would it be fisherpony? Fisherman pony? I dunno, these ponyisms can be challenging at times.”

Octavia slapped her forehead. “Vinyl, please, just whatever you have in store for this Party to End all Parties, don’t get anypony killed.”

“Relaaaaax, Octy, I got this. You know me.”

With a sigh, Octavia muttered under her breath. “That’s exactly why I’m worried.”

Octavia stepped out of the tent, already noticing ponies gathering around in anticipation for Vinyl Scratch’s big party to end all parties, if her boasting posters were to be believed.

“Oh, hello Octavia!”

Octavia turned around, greeted by none other than the Princess of Friendship herself.

“Hello, Twilight.”

Twilight let out a laugh. “At least I can always count on you to treat me like anypony else.”

“Yeah.”

“So, what’s this I’m hearing about Vinyl throwing a party? Who’s it for?”

Octavia looked back to the tent. “Knowing her, it’s for her ego, although if her posters are to be believed she says it’s for the town. My bits are on the former.”

Twilight nodded. “Well, it’s still nice that she’s going through all this just for the town. I actually came by to see if I could lend any assistance.”

“Well, I’m on watch dog duty to make sure ponies don’t die on her clock.”

“Yeah, that would be, uh, bad…”

Octavia nodded. “Then I’d be out a room mate, and stuck with the entire rent on the house.”

“I was more worried about the ponies.”

“That’s why you are the Princess of Friendship, and not I.”

Twilight awkwardly rubbed her leg. “So…”

“Besides, she has to set up the tent on her own. It’s always been her policy.”

“Oh, well during the party is there anything I can do to help?”

“Smile and wave to the cameras.”

Twilight slumped. Octavia sighed. “Sorry. Just whenever Vinyl gets into one of these moods, it always sours mine. That mare is gonna be the death of me one day, I can almost guarantee it.”

Inside the tent, Vinyl was not alone.

“So, you’re saying this is a new blend?” she asked.

The robbed figure nodded. “Yes, I’ve been working on this for a number of years, and I finally feel like a field test is in order.”

“And I get the first ten milligrams on the house?”

He nodded.

“Well alright then buddy, let me take a blow, then we’ll get this party started!”

The stallion tore open one of the small bags, the white powder falling into a nice, neat pile. He drew out a straw, but before he could hand it over Vinyl slammed her face into it. She took a deep breath, then raised her head and stared out.

“Duuuuude, this is some good coke.”

“You’re not suppose to take the entire thing at once.”

“I don’t care, gimme five more bags.”

“But-”

“The only butt worth mentioning is mine. Now five more bags.”

“Very well.” The stallion threw five more unopened bags of white powder onto the table. “If you buy one more, you get a free bottle of LSD, on the house.”

“Hot damn! Lucky day. Hit me with it!”

As the stallion dug for the additional bottle, Vinyl was already opening another bag and snorting it.

“Oooooh yeah, that’s the shit, man.”

An hour later, the tent had opened and ponies were filing in. Octavia watched from the side as everypony was finding their groups of friends, chatting it up, and helping themselves to the free food and punch bowl.

The punch did look tasty, but she held back. She was on a strict water and salad diet. Knowing Vinyl, the punch had so many calories in it she’d gain weight with just one cup. Also Vinyl hated salad, so there wasn’t a salad bowl set up.

Finally, there was the tapping of a mic from the front stage. Octavia, standing at the front, recoiled from the sound attacking her ears. It was a fatal mistake standing next to one of the speakers, but she’d hoped for a little more warning.

She looked up to the turntable set, Vinyl fidgety and ears twitching like mad. If it wasn’t for her already white coat, Octavia might have noticed the white powder substance that covered half her face.

“YO BITCHES!”

Octavia rolled her eyes. Always with the profanity.

“Welcome to another great episode of Where Can We Lick Octavia!”

Octavia did a double take.

“I just did a SHIT-TON of cocaine, so let's SPIN THIS MUTHA-FUCKA!”

And then the music started, and by Celestia’s beard it was LOUD.

Ponies were oblivious to Vinyl’s speech, already out dancing and getting their groove on. While ponies were distracted, Octavia marched up onto the stage and tapped Vinyl’s shoulder.

“Vinyl!” Octavia hissed. “What is wrong with you?”

“Oh hey, baby. So see, get this. I figured if I was gonna throw a party to beat that pink whore, I figured I had to party like a pink whore. So I got some cocaine, did some of it, and here we are!”

Octavia was speechless. That didn’t mean her limbs didn’t speak for her.

“Owch!”

Octavia went to swing again, but Vinyl dodged the blow.

“Octy, calm down baby. Look, everything’s going good, amiright?”

Octavia looked back out to the crowd, noticing indeed they were.

“Still, that doesn’t excuse your behaviour. Also why would you do cocaine when there is a princess here!”

“Pfft, so what? This party is gonna be one nopony will ever forget.”

A magic bolt flew just over their heads. They both looked down to the dance floor, where an out of control dancing machine Twilight Sparkle was so into it her horn was sending off magical pulses.

“Vinyl! What’s going on? Why is Twilight-” Octavia stopped, noticing other ponies having similar issues.

Pegasi were trying to fly and do tricks, only succeeding in falling to the ground and rolling around. Other unicorns were randomly throwing out magical missiles left and right, putting holes into the tent. Only Celestia knew where they were going or who they’d hit.

“Vinyl! Did you spike the punch bowl again?”

“Naw, baby, you know me.”

“You say that as if I didn’t know you, when in fact I do. Well, what was it this time? Whiskey? Rum?”

“Both! And some LSD. The punch was expired so I had to add something with flavor.”

For the second time, Octavia was speechless. Not even her limbs could react the way she wanted them to.

“So are you saying, that everypony down there, is hopped up on LSD, and you’re high on cocaine… AM I THE ONLY ONE SOBER?”

“Naw, naw, probably yeah. I can’t be the only one having fun on drugs!”

“Vinyl! You can’t give a bunch of ponies, unicorns especially, hallucinogens! You know what happens!”

“Yeah, they have an awesome time.”

“Guuuuuuuurls, gurls, gurls…”

Octavia and Vinyl looked to Twilight Sparkle, who had apparently magiked herself onto the stage. And by on the stage, she was on the turntable itself, spinning around and around.

“There’s no need to fight.” One revolution. “Vinyl’s doing an awesome job with her party!” Second revolution. “Look, ponies everywhere are having a good time!” Third revolution. “Some are even having a good time!” Fourth revolution. “And those two over there! Oh yeah, they’re having a real good time. Well nine months from now it’ll go sour, but still right now it’s going good!”

“Twilight, Princess Twilight, you’re not of sound mind. Please, step down so you don’t hurt yourself.”

“Yeah, or throw up on my equipment. It’s worth more than your sparkly castle you call home.”

“Oh, I was wondering why the room was spinning. I thought it was just because of the punch.”

“Yeah, actually it is that.” Vinyl pulled out another baggie, breaking the seal on the table.

“Vinyl! No more!”

“Hell yeah!” Vinyl dropped her face into the pile, an audible crack sounded as Octavia only hoped it was the mare’s skull.

Unfortunately, as she pulled her head back, it was just her glasses.

“Vinyl, didn’t anypony teach you how to actually snort the stuff?”

“Pfft, naw. Hey Princess, want some?”

“Want some what?”

“Cocaine!”

“You mean like the drug?”

“Sure!”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“You tell me.”

Twilight stepped over, studying the powder closely. Too closely, because as she breathed she sucked the powder in through her nose. Apparently alicorn lungs are super strong or something, whatever.

“I say IT’S TOTALLY OKAY!”

“Oh Celestia. Vinyl, you got the princess high.”

“Aww yeah, this is gonna be the best party ever!”

Octavia had had enough. She stepped off the stage to try and find a way out of the madhouse. Ponies were everywhere. Dancing, sorta dancing, not really dancing more like flailing, and laying on the ground hopefully alive. The punch bowl was empty, thankfully, so no more LSD was being pumped through their systems.

Octavia poked her head out of the tent, seeing nopony else in line, she zipped the door closed and locked it. She couldn’t let these ponies out onto the streets. It would be chaos and carnage. Now she just needed to keep everypony calm, and happy. If anything got them too excited, then all Tartarus would break loose.

“Heeeeey, missy.”

Octavia turned to a stallion, currently urinating on a chair.

“This chair won’t flush.”

“Oh for the- SHE FORGOT TO GET PORTAJOHNS! VIIIIINYL!”

Octavia was out of breath. It had been one thing or another keeping her going, and by the mercy of her own will that she didn’t just give up and snort some coke herself. Actually no, she knew better. She had to be the level head of the party. Even after Vinyl did the stage dive, and only managed to break her glasses more instead of her spine. Even after Twilight went on a tangent and started putting ponies in bubbles because they wouldn’t stop screaming.

It was only a few hours into the party that was suppose to go until morning.

“This is it… this is the day Vinyl kills me…”

“Heeeeey baby, how’re ya doin’?”

Octavia looked to Vinyl, who’s blood shot eyes told her all she needed to know.

“I’m going to die.”

“Naw, don’t say that. You’re doin’ great! I mean, nopony’s died yet, right?”

“No. Thankfully I put air holes in those bubbles the Princess trapped ponies in.”

“See? Yer doin’ great. The party’s doin’ great!”

“Vinyl, did you just go to a country accent?”

“Maybe?”

Octavia sighed. “Look, ponies are starting to wear down now that the drugs are getting out of their system. I say we end it now, pick up the pieces, and try this another time with less drugs. And by less I mean none.”

“Aw relax, everything’s going fine.”

“No, Vinyl, it’s not. I’m worn out, tired, pooped figuratively and literally. I want to go home and go to bed and forget this ever happened.

“You just need to loosen up, babe.”

“Would you stop calling me that? And no I’m not doing any cocaine with you.”

“Eh, that’s okay. I’m out anyway.”

“Wait, how many bags did you go through?”

“I think four. Maybe five. Possibly six. No more than six, definitely.”

“And you’re still breathing? I’m pretty sure you should either be comatose or dead.”

“Eh, you get used to it.”

Suddenly a magic beam shot overhead.

“OH GOD IT’S EVERYWHERE!”

“Welp, the Princess finally snapped,” Octavia deadpanned.

“Huh. I’d think a cocktail of LSD and coke woulda taken her out earlier.” Vinyl scratched her head.

“Probably something to do with being an alicorn.”

“Eh, relax, I got this.” Vinyl tapped her microphone, causing everypony to snap out of their day dreams. She hadn’t had any music playing for the last twenty minutes, and yet ponies were still dancing to the music in their heads… or the voices. Probably a mixture of the two.

“Alright everypony, it’s time to chill things out with an oldie, but a goodie. You all remember this hit way back in the day, well grab a body and get ready, to get Toxic.”

Octavia blinked. No, she wouldn’t… she wouldn’t play that song with a bunch of doped up ponies tripping on a cocktail of LSD and expired berry punch.

And then the beat started, and Octavia prayed to every deity she could remember from grade school.

It wasn’t an instantaneous reaction like she’d imagined. Slowly, ponies began to dance with the music. It was actually a relief.

And then she smelled smoke.

Smoke always meant fire.

She turned to find Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, burning a wall of the tent with her horn.

“Twilight! What is going on?!”

“Toxic! It’s all toxic! Toxic everywhere!”

“No, it’s just Britneigh Spears!”

“EXACTLY!”

Moving quickly, Octavia grabbed a fire extinguisher (amazed that Vinyl even had one on standby) and put out the small flame. Twilight was officially out of her lucid mind, and Octavia needed to do something about it before she hurt anypony.

She looked around, and noticed Vinyl had used an old oak tree as one of the posts of the tent.

“So you’re sure they won’t get me here?”

Octavia sighed again as she tied the last knot of the rope that held one of Equestria’s princesses, doped up on a mixture of LSD and cocaine, to a tree.

“Yes, I’m sure. If you remain perfectly still and don’t go zapping ponies with magic, the toxins won’t get to you.”

“Okay, okay, good.”

“Good.” Octavia nodded, then turned away to leave.

“Octavia, wait!”

Octavia turned around, “Yes, Twilight?”

“You’re a good friend.”

“Thank… you?”

“I mean it, really, you are. First you put up with Vinyl’s antics, then you help protect me by tying me to a tree. You’re a true, true, friend.”

“Please don’t break out into song.”

“Will that trigger the toxins, too?”

“Sure.”

And with that, Octavia walked away from the princess and back onto the stage with her cocaine fueled friend.

“Yo, everything okay with the princess?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Octavia grabbed a water bottle, downing the liquid greedily.

“Really?”

Octavia let out a sigh, wiping her muzzle. “No. And when we go to jail I’m blaming you for everything.”

“Oh, cool. Say, you wanna watch over the table for me real quick? I got, uh, something to take care of.”

“I suppose so. What do I need to know?”

“When I give you the signal, hit that button there,” Vinyl said, pointing to a flashing button.

“Uh, okay? What does that do?”

“It’s a surprise, tru-”

“Don’t finish that sentence. Make it quick, okay?”

Vinyl nodded her head, her cracked shades sliding down her muzzle as she left the stage. With Vinyl gone and the music playing again, it was actually nice for Octavia. Considering everything she had to put up with today, it was nice to see everypony actually enjoying themselves at the party.

So naturally it was Vinyl herself to ruin the moment with a shout.

“YO, BITCH! HIT THE BUTTON!”

Octavia sighed, hitting the button lazily. The beat hit, and Octavia instantly regretted it. From somewhere in the crowd, Vinyl trotted out like she owned the place. Since it was her tent, that was actually an accurate statement. Point is, Vinyl came out struttin’ her stuff. She even had on a white dance suit, complete with bell bottoms.

If she had ate anything recently, Octavia would have just thrown it up then and there. As she danced, other ponies joined in on the disco fever that was rampantly spreading. From somewhere a disco ball fell into view, and the lights were going everywhere.

She returned her vision back to Vinyl, just in time to see her snort cocaine off the sleeve of her suit.

“Oh THAT IS IT, VINYL!”

Octavia jumped from the stage, inadvertently kicking over one of the massive speakers, and lunged for her friend. Before Vinyl had a chance to go for her second blow, Octavia’s right hoof struck her in the face. Or more accurately, the muzzle.

Everypony went silent, staring at the duo. Vinyl was on the ground, her nose bleeding. Octavia was standing over her on her hind legs, panting. She rose her hoof up to nose, huffing the few traces of coke that had transfered, then turned on everypony else.

“That’s the last straw everypony! Party’s over, everypony out! I don’t care if you’re doped up, sober, or on death's bed. Out, out OUT!”

“Oops. Octaaaaaviaaaa, I accidently started a fire again.”

Octavia turned to Twilight Sparkle, now surrounded by flames as they washed over the tarp.

“OH CELESTIA, IT’S THE TOXICS!” somepony shouted.

“EVERYPONY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

Before Octavia could properly react, ponies were running around like crazy. The more sober ones went for the weak spots along the tarp edges, using the ponies trapped in bubbles as battering rams, while the trippers were still tripping figuratively and literally.

Octavia threw Vinyl over her back and ran back towards the stage, where apparently the sound set was already on fire. Although now that she looked at it, it was evidently an electrical fire by how the speaker had fallen onto the case of water bottles.

Octavia sat on the cobblestone walkway, Vinyl beside her still coming out of her high. Luckily only half of Ponyville’s fire department was at the party, so the other half was quick to react and put out the massive tent fire. It appeared most everypony made it out okay, although several were still running around in circles or away from medics, screaming about toxics chasing them.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, for all Octavia knew, was still tied up to the tree, but she was an alicorn so she was probably fine. Probably.

Vinyl finally came to, her nose bleeding. She looked from the inferno to her friend, then to the ponies running around in the streets. Octavia was silent, not saying a word.

“Okay,” Vinyl started, “so I miiiiight have done a tad too much cocaine.”

Octavia moved like a magic missile, pouncing her friend and throwing punches left and right. It took two police ponies and a straight jacket to get Octavia off her “friend”.

“IT’S HER FAULT. IT’S ALL HER FAULT. ARREST HER, DETAIN HER. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO! I’LL PAY THE FULL RENT, I JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”

“Okay, just calm down ma’am.” The officer turned to Vinyl. “Miss, do you know anything about this? What happened?”

Vinyl looked around. “Dude, I don’t know anything.”

“I think I can answer that for you.”

Everypony turned around to find Twilight Sparkle, ropes dangling on her back. Her mane and tail were a little singed.

“P-Princess Twilight! What happened, are you alright?”

“Everything’s fine officer. There was an electrical fire, it was an accident. Nopony died, the fire is out. You can leave now.”

“But, we have ponies running around town appearing to be on some sort of hallucinogen.”

“That’s okay, they’ll be fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to leave before the toxic finds me.”

And with that, Princess Twilight Sparkle jumped to fly away, and succeeded in crashing into a random building.

“Uh, shouldn’t we-”

Vinyl wrapped a foreleg around the police pony. “Officer, relax. She’s fine. You heard her, you can all pack up and head home. We got this.”

“Is that cocaine on your muzzle?”

Vinyl scoffed. “Whaaaaaaa? Naw, man, naw. It’s sugar.”

“Sugar?”

“Yeah, you know, for baking.”

“So you were snorting sugar?”

“Naw man, I was cooking the food, taste testing you know? Yeah, totally that. I wasn’t the DJ with the faulty electrical equipment if that’s what you’re thinking.”

The officer scrutinized Vinyl, then with a deflated sigh asked “What about your friend?”

The two looked to Octavia, laying on the ground in a straight jacket, frothing at the mouth.

“Eh, she’ll be fine. I think. Probably. She just had a little cocaine.”

The officer trotted away, done with this series of events. Vinyl sat next to her friend, watching as the chaos came to an end.

"Best. Party. Ever."

Octavia twitched.