Random Life (Book Thing 1)

I sat up quickly, the events from earlier resurfacing, only to cry out in pain when my chest felt like it was on fire. I look down and see that my entire upper chest was bandaged, a large red spot directly in the middle. “OH SHIT, I GOT SHOT!” I screamed in realization. The door shot open, scaring the shit out of me, revealing a very scared looking Luna.

“You’re awake! Oh, by the gods your alright!” Luna yelled as she tackled me back down onto the bed with a hug, unfortunately her assets were smothering me. “Death by boobs, not a bad way to go.” My conscious said, making me feel a little better, but at the same time annoying me to all hell. Luna noticed my writhing and quickly got off me, I greedily gulped in air. “I-I’m sorry” Luna says quickly, blushing slightly, but then gives me a small peck on the lips.

“Well that’s one way to wake up. Anyway, what happened?” I ask. Luna looked at me with a serious expression, “You saved me and Kim, though I am somewhat worried about you. You were fatally wounded, and technically you shouldn’t even be alive. That and when you were coming to save us we could see you through a small window, Corbin you were smiling when you murdered those stallions. And you basically tortured the man in the room with us before you killed him.” She said, kind of scaring me with her change of demeanor.

“Luna I’m sorry, it’s just that I hate seeing friends, and in your case, my love, in pain. I guess something just snapped, plus those bastards deserved what happened to them. But I did leave one alive; don’t know what happened to him though. But I think I have a way to make it up to you, how about we go on a date? And not one that’s here, but in Ponyville. Just you, me, and as much food from any restaurant of your choosing. What do ya say?” I ask, while putting on a stupid smile.

Luna giggled and sighed, “Fine but not until later tonight, you have to get everything ready.” She leaned down and gave me one last hug and disappeared in a bright flash, leaving me to try to figure out how to get this all set up. I eventually get discharged from the hospital, and apparently the castle was paying for my medical expenses, that exceeded 150,000 bits.

I ended up catching a train to Ponyville, unfortunately it was a two hour ride. When I finally arrived I noticed a certain friend of mine standing a few feet away. I walked up behind Kim and burped into her ear, earning a bitch slap from her that sent me to my ass. “Well that’s one way to say hello, just bitch slap me why don’t ya?” I say rhetorically, earning a glare from Kim. That is until she burst into laughter, falling down next to me.

“Well next time don’t burp in my ear, anyways what brings you here? Last time I  saw you, you were in the hospital.” Kim says while helping me up.

“Luna was worried about me, so I told her that I would take her on a normal date here in Ponyville. Though right now I’m going to go get a suit tailored, and find reservations at an Italian restaurant if they have one here. And do you know where I could get a suit? Like a really nice one.” I ask her, she just nods and points toward a huge round building and walks off. I walk over toward the buildings door and politely knock on it, not wanting to be rude. A very posh female voice comes from behind the door, “One moment darling.”. I wait for a moment until the shops door swings open revealing a snow white mare with a purple mane. She looked up at me and smiled,” My name is Rarity, and what is yours?” she asked.

“My name is Corbin, I was wondering if I could get a suit tailored for a date tonight.” I say, quickly explaining my reason of being here. “Well come in, come in, and might I ask who’s the luck mare?” she asked, seeming genuinely curious.

“Well, can you keep a secret?” I ask, she relies with a small nod, starting to take my measurements, “My date is Princess Luna, and before you freak out, she kind of turned into my species, sort of. She looks like me but still has her horn and wings.” I say, I look down to her after she got done with the measurements. She looked as if I had dropped the news of war, her mouth slightly agape, eyes wide, and no sound of voice. I think I mentally broke her, that is until she yelled in my face, “What?! Are you telling me im making a suit for the Princesses stallion!?”, I was about to correct her on the ‘stallion’ word, but was quickly pushed out the door. “Your suit will be done in an hours time, don’t come back till then! Oh, and first times free of charge!” Rarity yells as she slams the door shut.

“Well ok then.”I thought to myself. With the suit being made I only had to find a good Italian restaurant, if they had one that is. I was walking down the street until I saw a giant ass gingerbread house, I walked in since the sight read Bakery and was meet with a pink blur in my face.

“Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh, your new, and the author actually decided to put me in the story, YAY!”the mare said, I was barely able to understand what she said until she started talking again.” Hi my names Pinkie Pie, Wanna be friends!” she asked with a smile that I just couldn’t refuse.

“Sure, why not? Nice to meet ta’ Pinkie. Say, would you know of any good restaurants around here, im trying to find a good place to bring my date later in the evening. ” I say, a smile as wide as door sprouted on Pinkies face.

“Well you could always bring her here! We home make everything right here in the shop, and by we I mean me, I do most of the bakeing!” Pinkie says in an enthusiastic voice.

“Sure, why not? I’m sure everything can be ready by, say, seven o’ clock?” I ask. “Okie Dokie Lokie! I’ll get right on it, now go get that suit from Rarity, it just got done!” she said before speeding off into the kitchen.

“How did she know that? I just meet her.” I thought to myself, “Because of my Pinkie sense, duh.” Pinkies voice replied in my head, I yelped a little upon hearing her in my head, I briefly questioned my sanity until just moving on to go get my suit.

I jogged to the boutiques door and knocked, I don’t know why I didn’t walk in, I mean it is a shop. “Come in dear, I’ll be with you in just a moment!” Rarity calls from inside. I open the door and step inside, only to crash into Rarity, sending me down with her on top of me.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry Corbin!” Rarity explained while getting off me, looking extremely flustered. “Well your suit is done, just follow me please.” She asked walking further into the shop, presumably into the workshop area. When I walked into the room my gaze immediately fell onto a suit, no doubt made for me since I was only one of three humans in this world. The only thing that stood out from it was that It was pink, just like my armor. “Dose this world just love to see me in pink, or do I just look good in it?” I thought to myself, deciding that the latter bas the best answer.

“So how do you like it Corbin?” Rarity asked from beside me. I just turn to face her, “Ya know what, I love it. It’s pink but I love it, can I put it on?” I asked. Rarity’s face lit up when I asked, “Why of coarse my dear, there is a changing room right behind that door.” She says, pointing to a door to my left. I took the suit and made my way into the small five by five room, and put the suit on. The suit fit perfectly on me, and it was safe to say I was extremely impressed given the time that Rarity made it in. I looked at myself in the mirror attached to the door, I was pleasantly surprised that I did look good in pink, who knew? I walked out of the room and back to Rarity, whom was looking at me with anticipation.

“Rarity, this has got to be the best suit I have ever seen, thank you.” I say sending her into a frenzy. “Oh, thank you dear, I was dreading that you wouldn’t like it. Though I did add an extra feature, I enchanted it to change colors every day. That an it is impossible to destroy or dirty, you can give thanks to Twilight for those enchantments.” Rarity explains, making me smile.

“Well, in that case, do you mind if I just take it know, I kind of want to break it in. That and I want to show it off a little, just for kicks.” I say, getting her to smile at me. “Of course dear, just don’t let Luna see it, not until the date. Now go out there and get the rest of the date set up!” she tells me while pushing me out the door and promptly closing it.

I walked around a bit, trying to kill time until I had to pick up Luna. Also getting the occasional stare, I even heard some yell “The horror, the horror!” in the distance. I walked for a while until I came to a clearing that was a ways away from the town, I decided to try to find out exactly how big of a gun I could make out of my magic. I thought for a moment and an extremely bad idea popped into my mind, I mauled it over for a second and thought “Fuck it, what’s the worst that could happen?”, “you could end up accidentally blowing up you and half the city.” My subconscious replied, but I just ignored the warning cause’ I’m a fucking dumb ass.

Immediately after thinking it, an M198 Howitzer Mobile Artillery Platform appeared in front of me; thankfully it was facing away from the town. I checked the massive cannon and found that it was preloaded; I took a moment to figure out how to actually aim it. Turns out that the two valve handles on the left side aim the cannon. I lowered the cannon until it was perfectly straight and turned it to the right so that it was aimed directly at a large tree about five hundred yards away.

A devilish smile spread across my face as I pulled the rope to fire the cannon, a muffled thump sounded off the howitzer firing. I could see the massive 155mm H.E.A.T, or High Explosive Anti Tank, shell sail towards its target. When the round impacted the tree there was a deafening BOOM that echoed throughout the field, when the dust cleared the only thing left of the tree was the very top lying on its side about fifty yards away from its original spot.

“Ahem.” I hear behind me, “Oh, for fuck sakes wha-“ I cut myself off as I’m meet with a dead pan stare from non-other than Celestia, “Well shit, I done fucked up.” I think to myself as Celestia walks toward me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up like there was danger somewhere, I hear footsteps from behind me and immediately turn around and drive my fist into the thing, sending it flying. The thing screamed in an extremely familiar voice, “I fucking hate all of you!”as it disappeared into the sky, then it dawned on me, it was Elijah, but then I remembered, its Elijah, so I just shrugged it off and turned back to a now extremely confused Celestia.

“Just try and forget what just happened, weird shit is almost guaranteed to happen around me.” Right after I got done speaking two clouds in the shape of people landed in front of me, they both spoke in union. “When know you from another place far away, you’re an asshole.” Is all they said before the wind blew them away, leaving me to, once again, question my sanity.

“I will try to forget that every happened, though I’m here for a different reason. I wanted to know if….” Celestia mumbled the rest, “Sorry, I didn’t hear the last part.” I say, though my conscious spoke up, “How did you not hear her? She’s clearly saying ‘bang me bitch’” , “No..what..WHY? Why would you say that?!” I internally screamed back at conscious, “Just to see your reaction, you’re a dumbass ya know that?” I didn’t answer.

“What I said was I wanted to know…” dear god don’t let my conscious be right, “if you could show me how to use those weapons you posses.” She asked, while I internally sighed in relief but my conscious didn’t take it well. “Da Fuck!? Really, really Celestia, THAT’S what you bother us for? You’re not even a little bit curious about the anatomy of the thing that banged your sister? COME ON!” it screamed in my head slightly annoying me, but it was worth it.

“Sure I’ll show you how to use a few, and if you want some, some history of the weapons. Though I have to be at Twilights in two hours to pick up Luna for the date.” I say, earning a nod and warm smile from her. I summoned a WKW Wilk .50 BMG bull pup sniper rifle, Celestia was just giving me the best what the fuck is that face but seemed genuinely interested.

“Okay, this is what is known as a sniper rifle, its main propose was to take out enemies at long range.” I explain, Celestia nodded for me to continue, “This is the trigger, it fires the weapon by releasing a small pin that hits the primer on the bottom of the cartridge. Causing the power to explode, forcing the actual round down the barrel and to its target.” I say, getting a questioning look from Celestia.

“How do you know where the projectile will go?” Celestia asked, I motion to the scope, “This is called a scope, it magnifies the area it’s aiming at, allowing the user to see things far away. Now come over here and look through the scope, aim the cross at the red tree and slowly squeeze the trigger. And don’t forget to hold the rifles stock tight into your shoulder pocket.” I say. Celestia takes the rifle in her magic, and put it directly into her shoulder. I waited for a few moments and a sharp crack erupted from the rifle.

I looked at her target and saw that she hit it dead center. “Perfect shot Celestia, I’m impressed, not many people can hit the target first try.” I say, slightly praising her. Celestia on the other hand had a wide smile, “That. Was. AMAZING! Can I do it again?!” Celestia yelled, almost bouncing with excitement, throwing me for a loop.

“Oooookay then, pick a target an-“ I was cut off as another crack emanated from the rifle, only to hear a scream in the distance. I took off running with Celestia in tow, after a moment of full blown sprinting we found the source of the scream. It was Kim, but her left leg was a few feet away. The massive .50 cal round had tore her leg clean off, “Celestia can you use your magic to reattach her leg?” I asked, but she was already done reattaching the limb. I went to Kim’s side and found her unconscious; I sighed in relief, and turned to Celestia.

“Well that just happened, and now here’s rule number one about guns, always check what’s in front and behind your target before firing.” I say, only for Celestia to lower her head in shame. “Celestia, don’t feel bad, it was an accident. Besides you saved her life, and your one hell of a shot. So don’t ever put yourself down because of an accident, only learn from it.” I say, getting her to smile a bit, only to be interrupted my subconscious, “Pimp.” Is all it said, but I just ignored it and pulled Celestia into a small hug.

“Thank you Corbin, now I see why Luna took a liking to you. But, alas, I must get back to the castle, I will bring Kim with me. Oh, and you have about fifteen minutes to go get Luna from Twilights.” Celestia said before disappearing in a flash of light.

“Oh SHIT!” I yelled as I bolted back into town, I turned the corner to the library and vaulted over an unsuspecting pony, and slid under a wagon, somehow still keeping the same pace. I finally reached the library with only a minute to spare, I opened the door only to be meet with Luna standing right in front of me, not even a foot away.

“You’re on time, and from what Kim has told me you never arrive on time, or as she put it, you’re always ‘fashionably late’.” Luna said with a smirk, while also making me laugh a little. “Well she was telling the truth on that, you should be honored.” I joked. Luna giggled at that, making me smile, “Just wait till tonight, and you’ll be smiling ALL night.”, my subconscious sang, making me hate it even more.

“Well we should get going, foods gonna be done don’t ta’ know.” I say, getting Luna to laugh at my antics, “Make it stop, Make it stop, no more god damn motherfucking impressions. PLEASE!” My subconscious pleaded, making me chuckle a bit. “Where are we going, if you don’t mind telling me.” Luna asked. “Well, it took a while to find a place, but I managed to grab a reservation at a place called Sugar Cube Corner, also might I add you look amazing in that dress.” I said, noticing the plain, but elegantly so, dress she was wearing. “Thank you Corbin, and might I say you look charming in the pink suit. But may I ask why it’s pink?” Luna questioned.

“Well the mare that made it thought that I would look best in pink, and I wasn’t about to argue, since she did it for free.” I explained, getting a nod from Luna. We walked out of the door and into the cool night air, though I had one question that had been bugging me. “Hey Luna, why have you been talking normally, and not in old English?” I asked.

“I normally don’t talk in old English, I only did it out of habit. I haven’t exactly been back for a while.” Luna explains with a solemn expression, causing more questions to form. “What do you mean you haven’t been back for a while, if you don’t mind me asking that is.” I said, quickly adding the last part in attempt to be nice. “You, be nice, NOT! Also I’m going to recommend getting ready for a scolding or a sob story.” Jon warns.

“Well, let us get to Sugar Cube Corner, it would be easier to explain there. But on another note how old are you Corbin?” Luna asks, making me wonder even more about what she was explaining, though I pushed my curiosity back so that I could answer the question.

“Well, I’m 20, I know I may look, and sound, older but I get that a lot.” I say, only to follow up with a question of my own, “And if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you, I probably should have asked this before but it slipped my mind. Though if I had to guess, I would say 23” I say, only to see a look of worry on Luna’s face.

“I am not 23, far from it actually, I am 2000 years old.” Luna said. “HOW IN THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK IS SHE 2000 YEARS OLD? SHES A DAMN SUPER MODEL!” Jon screams. I, on the other hand, was trying to form a sentence. “Well for someone being thousands of years old, you look amazing.” I say, only for Luna to look at me like I just gave her a new car.

“So you’re not appalled of my age?” Luna asks in a bewildered tone. “No, why would I be appalled? I don’t care of your age, or your looks, which are gorgeous by the way. I only care for who you are on the inside, but I have to ask, are you immortal?” I ask. Luna was looking at me with a guilty expression, “No, I am not immortal, though I should be able to live for 10,000 years. I sorry Corbin I should have warned you but-“, I cut her off, “Don’t be sorry, the only thing that’s bad is that a humans normal life span is around 90 years, though I don’t see myself living past 50 because after that I really couldn’t do anything, and I’m kind sorta reckless.” I say while Luna was looking at me with a expression that was torn between happy and sad. Then her eyes widened, like a light bulb turned on in her head.

“Corbin, there might be a way for you to live as long as me! All we need is Discord!” Luna finally yells. “Well, let’s talk immortality later we’re here.” I say while gesturing toward the giant gingerbread house bakery. Luna’s expression immediately softened when she saw the bakery, that is until we walked in and a pink blur filled our vision. When I looked around I noticed that we had been picked up and seated perfectly at a table, with menus that had somehow made their way into our hands. I looked to my right and saw Pinkie standing there patiently in a waitress outfit, complete with a notebook and pencil. “That’s going on the bullshit list cause she got no fingers and she’s somehow holding those things.” Jon said in an annoyed tone, making me silently snicker.

Pinkie turned to Luna,“ So what can I get ya Princess?” she asked, getting ready to take her order. “I think I’ll have the Alfredo Special, and a glass of wine.” Pinkie then turns to me, “I think I’ll go with the Homemade Mac n’ Cheese with a small Czar Salad, and a Chocolate Milkshake.” I say. She walks off into the back, a sign was hanging next to it that read ‘Kitchen: Employees Only ‘, leaving me and Luna alone. We had some small talk, mostly random questions, that is until she asked what was my outlook on life.

“Well, I don’t exactly have the best, but I’ll tell you anyways. I personally don’t care if I die, I lived a good life, if I die now I die knowing that I had great friends and more. It doesn’t matter if I croak now or later, I lived a good life.” I say whole heartedly, though I followed up with a question of my own, and albeit timidly. “But on a slightly higher note, you said you were going to tell me why you haven’t been back for a while.” I say, though Luna’s expression turned saddened and she looked up to me.

“The reason I say that is because I have been banished for the last 1000 years, and I was only recently freed of my banishment and from Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon was me when I was consumed by hate and jealousy of my sister, I almost caused eternal night, and, so my sister did the only thing that she could. She banished me for 1000 years on the moon. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” Luna sobs, now crying freely into my shoulder. “And and and i-I killed seven guards in the fight! I didn’t mean to do it! B-but I still feel the guilt!” she yells in between sobs. “It’s okay Luna, I don’t care what you did in the past, I only care for now and the future. And even if you did kill them I have killed too, and ill burn in hell for it, but you can’t let the guilt consume you. That and it wasn’t even you, it was the you that wasn’t thinking, so please just try to forgive yourself.” I say holding her in a hug, though I was trying to not get impaled by her horn. Her crying has gone down to small whimpering, and I decide to ask her another question to get her mind off her past, though I notice that our food had arrived. The Mac n’ Cheese was amazing, but it had nothing on my mothers cooking.

After the meal I decide to ask a question, “So on the way here you said something about making me live longer, and something about Discord?” I ask, her mood instantly brightened up. “Yes, there was a way that might work for you to live as long as me. All that needs to happen is for Discord to give you some of his chaos magic for you to use!” Luna exclaims in pure joy. “Ok, so how are we going to get him to do that? And are there going to be side effects?” I ask, worried for my health.

“There shouldn’t be any side effects and he’ll be more than willing, he is your friend after all.” Luna explains. “Seems legit.” Jon says, somewhat startling me that he just spoke up after a while. “ok, anyway should we get going, or do you want dessert?” I ask, though I already knew the answer, I ended up getting two pies that were inhaled in seconds. By Luna. “Holy shit, she can EAT!” Jon yells, I nodded in awe.

After the quick eat Luna teleported us to the castle, all the while Jon yelling, “Bullshit List Time!” Luna and I slowly made our way to her room in the maze of a castle. “Thank you Corbin, it is not often that I get to enjoy myself.” Luna says as we walk into the room. “Think nothing of it Luna, it was the least I could do.” I say tiredly, I think it was eleven at night. “Well I think it’s time for sleep, care to join me?” Luna asked, I walked over, undressed into my boxers, and soon fell asleep, holding Luna in a loving embrace. “Fuck yea, I can sleep tonight!”