The Thing in the Sub-Sub-Sub-Basement
“Major! Major! They’re here! They’re here!” Pieces ’n’ Parts galloped down the corridor to his commanding officer’s workshop, his armor rattling.
“I told you not to bother me, Private,” growled Malcolm Function, not looking up from his drafting table. “What’s the matter?”
Pieces ’n’ Parts saluted sharply. “The ponies are here to help us with our little problem, Sir Major Sir!”
The Major sat up, a surprised look on his face. “But the sisters aren’t supposed to be here until… Oh, you mean, our little problem little problem. The one in the sub-sub-sub-basement.”
“Yes sir, exactly, sir!”
The Major checked the straps on his prosthetic hind leg and slid off his stool. “Can’t be helped, I suppose. Let’s go have a little chat with them, then.”
———
The foyer of the Royal Palace sub-sub-basement was huge. The ancient Unicornians never did anything halfway — not even basements.
Maud Pie watched the burly old three-legged unicorn draped in an officer’s greatcoat thump patiently across the marble floor, accompanied by a gangly young earth pony colt in ill-fitting guard’s armor. The Royal Palace had been in continuous use for over twelve hundred years, but Maud noted that the floor here was still shiny. The basement and sub-basement were more than sufficient for the Palace’s storage needs. This level was a place for things that didn’t need to be found. Or ponies who didn’t want to be bothered.
The unicorn saluted sharply. “Major Malcolm Function, EUP Corps of Engineers, R&D, Special Projects Division. This is my assistant Private Parts. How can I help you?”
Maud reached into her coverall and pulled out her badge. “Agent Maud Pie, Canterlot Geological Survey. This is my assistant, Frazzle Rock. We hear you’re having some rock-related difficulties. We’re from the government. We’re here to help.”
Frazzle was examining the arches supporting the ceiling and munching on a candy bar. When Maud mentioned her name, she looked down and waved at the Major. “Pleathure to meet you.”
Major Function looked confused. “We, uh, work for the government, too.”
“Never mind.” Maud tucked her badge back into her pocket. “What seems to be the problem?”
The Major cleared his throat. “Her Highness said that my department could use the sub-sub-sub-basement to work on some larger projects I have in mind, if we cleared it out. We discovered that it was in rather worse shape than we’d anticipated. There’s one particular obstacle that’s entirely beyond our ability to deal with.”
Maud raised one eyebrow a fraction of a quarter-hoof. “What kind of obstacle?”
The Major shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I’d better show you.”
———
Private Parts walked in front of them, a lantern on a pole tucked into his spear harness. He had something foul-smelling wrapped in a bundle of oiled fabric on his back. The stairs to the sub-sub-sub-basement were far longer and wider than they needed to be.
“This castle has a lot of basements,” observed Maud dryly.
“This isn’t even the only set of basements. Though it is the largest. And the deepest. The Unicornians liked to dig. Stone is in the equine blood. Not just you earth ponies — though of course in you, most of all.”
Maud leaned her head towards Frazzle’s and quietly asked, “What do you think, Agent Rock?”
“I think there’s a thurprising amount of water damage on the thtone here.”
“Do you think water from the Canter river could be seeping in?”
Frazzle shook her head. “No. This is old damage. And look at those thalt depothits. This was under water once — under ocean water.”
Maud nodded. “The style of architecture is different, too. This stairwell looks like it was built out of a natural cavern — look how irregular the walls are.”
Frazzle glanced down. “Thtairs are the right style, though.”
At the base of the stairs, the rough walls of the stairwell opened out into a sort of small, elliptical foyer. At the far end of it were a pair of large bronze doors, decorated with images of two trees, some stars, and a crown in the simple and elegant style of the ancient unicorns.
“Mellon!” shouted the Major, and the doors glowed bright blue and slid open inward of their own accord.
“Oh, why ith he talking about melonth? He’th making me hungry!” Frazzle fished a candy bar out of her saddle bag, wolfed it down, and then pulled out another.
Maud padded slowly down the stairs, speaking to Frazzle without looking back at her. “He said Mellon. It’s classical Unicornian for ‘friend’. See that inscription on the door? It says ‘speak ‘friend’ and enter’.”
Frazzle blinked at that. “Whoa. Friendthip really ith magic.”
The doors opened out into a massive cavern. Though clearly natural in origin, it had seen considerable renovations — most prominently the layered balconies ringing the sides, accessed by stairs near where they were standing. The ceiling was reinforced by arches, and murals had been carved in between them. It was too dark to see clearly, and out of Frazzle’s range of vision in any event, but Maud could make out carvings of tentacles and screaming ponies up there. They didn’t look like nice pictures.
The center of the chamber was occupied by a small, briny-smelling lake. The water was dark, but something was definitely moving down there.
Frazzle frowned and pushed her glasses up her snout. “Well. I definitely wath not prepared for thith.”
Maud shrugged and turned to the major. “I don’t think you’re setting up a workshop down here, but I don’t see the problem.”
The Major snorted. “You will. Private Parts, why don’t you put out our little offering?”
Pieces ’n’ Parts nodded, planted his torch in the dirt, and slipped the bundle off his back. He laid it on the shore, hastily untied the knot with his teeth, and scooted back as fast as he could. The cloth was filled with offal, probably from the kitchen used by the Palace’s griffon staff members — guts, gnawed bones, fish heads, and crab shells.
For a moment, everything was silent. Then a huge, bulbous shape broke the surface of the water. It was bumpy and gray-green, and gleamed unappealingly in the light of Parts’ torch. Bulging eyes the size of a pony’s head stared out from either side, iridescent irises gleaming. Wiry, warty tentacles as thick as a stallion’s barrel shot through the water, scooped up the offering cloth and all, and tossed it contemptuously into the water behind it.
“What the actual buck?” Frazzle said, stumbling backwards.
“Whoa.” Maud’s eyes widened ever so slightly.
Parts ’n’ Pieces looked confused. “It usually goes for the offerings, I don’t know what… AAAHHHHH!”
The thing’s tentacles whipped back out of the water and wrapped around Private Parts’ body, yanking him high into the air.
“Parts! No!” screamed Function. He hurriedly sat down and began unbuckling his leg.
“Thtand back! I’ll handle thith!” Frazzle was undressed and in the water before her sweater vest hit the ground.
“Gold medal, 400-meter mares' freestyle,” explained Maud, as Function gaped.
Frazzle disappeared from sight beneath the murky brine, and then rose up into the air, clinging bravely to a tentacle and holding a hoof out to Parts. “Don’t…” splash “…worry.…” splash “…I have…” splash “…the thituation…” splash “…under… AAAAUUUGHHHH!”
The next time she came out of the water, Frazzle was upside down, trussed up in tentacles. “Maud, help!” The tentacle holding Frazzle whipped under the water again.
Maud calmly opened the small saddlebag on her left shoulder. Inside were two dozen .337 hoof EUP regulation fling-stones, along with a stowaway. “Boulder. I told you not to play in there.”
Somewhere underwater, Frazzle had managed to wriggle free, and resurfaced, clinging to a tentacle and biting at it fiercely. “Never mind! No hurry! Take your time!” She vanished into the murky lake with a splash.
Maud carefully set Boulder between her forehooves and reached back into her ammunition pouch. She pulled out a fling-stone and squinted her eyes, judging the range to her target. A tentacle arced up with Frazzle on board, interfering with her aim. There was no sign of Private Parts. Maud hoped it wasn’t too late to save him.
“Any time now, Agent!” growled Major Function.
Maud saw her opportunity. She whipped her head back, and snapped it forward. The fling-stone left her jaws, spinning on its horizontal axis. It flashed in an elegant ballistic arc between the sea monster’s flailing tentacles, missing every one but the last. It hit the tentacle nearest the monster’s bulbous head at a glancing angle, and struck its head right above one eye, leaving a deep trail through its flesh. Ichor spurted from the opening, covering the huge, lidless eye.
The sea monster reared up, tentacles flying, to reveal a gleaming, hooked beak. The beak opened to let out a scream so loud it blew back the hair of Maud and Function’s manes. Then it vanished under the water with a colossal splash. Waves rocked back and forth through the little lake.
Maud rushed to the shore, where waves splashed against her hooves. “Frazzle?”
The waves of the lake gradually calmed. Maud bit her lip. She’d been too late. Too late for both of them. She was so sad she almost sighed, but she held it back. She had to be strong. “Frazzle.”
Then, a tangle of sodden orange hair broke the surface. Frazzle rose out of the water, dripping and shaking but unbowed. Pieces ’n’ Parts was clinging to her back, water dribbling out of his mouth.
“Thituation… retholved,” said Frazzle. Then she collapsed.
———
Somewhat later, Frazzle and Parts were wrapped in blankets and sipping coffee in front of the fireplace in Major Function’s workshop.
“It’s never done that before,” moaned Pieces ’n’ Parts.
“Were you wearing your armor the other times?” asked Maud.
Parts blinked. “No, actually. I’d just gotten back from morning drill when you two came down.”
“That makes sense,” said Maud. “It probably thought you were a crab.”
Private Parts considered that. “Oh. Okay, I guess. I hadn’t thought of that.”
“I think I know what’s going on,” said Maud. “Major, may I use your drafting table?”
“Certainly, certainly,” said Major Function.
Maud sat down and flipped to a blank sheet of paper and began to sketch. “During the late Eohippocen era the entire Canter river valley was covered in a shallow sea. There’s a tectonic plate boundary running through the area, and the natural motion of the plates drew water from the sea down into the mantle. Once down there, the extreme heat boiled the water, and sent it back up into the crust, forming an underground sea within Canterlot mountain itself.
“When the unicorns built this sub-sub-basement, they must’ve dug very close to that sea without realizing it. Later, the sea broke through, flooding the basement. They responded by draining some of the sea, lowering it to a level where it would be safe.” Maud tapped her mechanical pencil against her drawing. “That makes sense, right?”
Malcolm function looked bewildered. “But… but how did the squid get in there?”
Maud shrugged. “I’m a geologist, Major, not a marine biologist.”
Malcolm sputtered, and waved his hooves. “But that kraken would have to be well over a thousand years old!”
Maud was unconcerned. “Magic squid, I guess.”
Private Parts shuddered under his blanket. “So what are we going to do?”
Frazzle Rock stood up. “If I could, Maud?”
“Certainly.”
Frazzle took the pencil in her mouth, and quickly sketched a cutaway of the squid’s chamber. Then she placed it back in the Major’s pencil jar, pulled out a red wax pencil, and marked three red Xs on the roof.
“Explothive chargeth here, here and here thould collapse the chamber with minimal damage to the Palace’th thructure.”
Maud frowned slightly. “No. No explosives this time.”
Frazzle ducked her head and whined, “Oh come on. You never let me use explothives!” She smacked the drafting table in frustration.
Maud was adamant. “I let you use them last time.” Maud shook her head, a faint trace of regret entering her tone. “Those poor Diamond Dogs.”
Frazzle rolled her eyes, and spun around in the Major’s stool looking sullen. “Their economy will recover eventhually. Fine. Do you have any bright ideath?”
Maud nodded. “Actually I do. I’m very interested in why those bleachers are there. Major, Private, have you gotten a good look at the murals around the ceiling?”
The Major nodded. “They present terrifying scenes — a gigantic kraken leaping out of the water towards a helpless pony. Tentacles attacking a row of shields. A crowd of ponies screaming before the monster’s wrath.”
Maud nodded. “So why would the ancient Unicornians make those things? Why not just seal up the lake and leave it alone?”
The Major looked perplexed. “Well, I don’t know. Maybe they worshiped it?”
Frazzle snorted. “That theems highly unlikely. The ancient Unicornianth were amongtht the firtht ponies to abandon veneration of anthethtor thpirits. I don’t think they’d go in for worthiping a thephalopd.”
Maud’s lips curled up just the tiniest bit at the corners. “I think I’ve got it. Okay, this is kind of crazy, but I’m pretty excited about it. Now hear me out...”
———
“May I have your attention, fillies and gentlecolts! Foals of all ages! The Principality of Equestria Department of Parks and Recreation is proud to announce the return of a fixture of our own royal foalhood! Welcome! Welcome, citizens, to the newly rediscovered and refurbished epic ARENA SUBAQUATICA!”
Luna stood up on her hind legs and spread her forelegs, resplendent in her black and silver wetsuit and top hat. The crowd in the stands cheered.
“But what is this we hear? A splash below us?”
Ten tentacles peeked out of the water. In the stands, foals went crazy, pointing and shouting. But when Luna bent over to look, the tentacles were gone.
“What manner of nonsense is this? There is nothing in the water. Our royal eyes cannot be mistaken! Unless…”
With a thunderous crash, a mountainous form broke the water — arrow-shaped tail first, then shiny eyes and long, trailing tentacles.
“It is Krafty the Kraken!” shouted Luna, as the monster sailed over her head and splashed down behind her, soaking every spectator. Luna pulled the first of five shields from the platform beneath her. “And we wonder if he’d like to juggle?”
Standing in the stairwell, Frazzle frowned. “Weren’t we thupposed to clear this area for a workthop, though?”
Maud shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe we found something more important.”
Frazzle sighed. “What? Luna’s favorite trained thquid act from a thousand yearth ago?”
Maud turned and started walking up the stairs. “I don’t know. That’s probably not it. Let’s get some lunch.”
“Finally. I’m thtarving.” Frazzle pulled a candy bar from her saddlebag and followed her partner up the stairs.
Maud turned and said the ancient unicorn word for “friend”, and the doors closed.
