Author's Note
I wrote most of this at 3:00 in the morning and had drank 4 bottles of mountain dew to keep myself awake. So this is probably going to be the worst thing you have ever read.
Sorry for the very abrupt end but I wanted to know if people even liked this before I wrote the last part. Honestly this was a lot of fun to write so I hope I can finish it, but I won't if nobody wants me to.
So anyway point out any mistakes I made and enjoy 
P.S this is my first story so keep that in mind while reading.
It's Time To Bend Orge
It was a warm sunny day in Apploosa (What? Were you expecting Ponyville? That shit is played out man.) On this day a certain bipedal creature by the name of Dan, was working in the Apple orchards. You see, Dan owed Braeburn a ton of money after losing a game of strip poker with him. Dan grunted after lifting another basket full of apples over to the barn, he hated work but Braeburn would kick his ass all the way to Canterlot if he didn't do it. While Dan was working, his mind wandered to ridiculous ideas. Like if ponies had their own versions of memes, he chuckled at the thought of John Cena in Equestria. But he figured that they would have a pony version of him like John Zebra or something like that. As soon as that thought left his head, he heard a certain song begin to play. Quietly at first but slowly began to become clear.
No, it couldn't be. Dan's eyes widened in fear as his eyes darted around the field for the source of the haunting music. He quickly dropped the apples he was carrying and made a bolt for the barn all the way across the field. As he ran he heard the music getting closer and louder, much louder! He started to pant and sweat with exhaustion, he felt fire in his legs as he ran like hell towards the barn. Dan feared that song, for he knew, that only one answered the call of that song. He finally made it to the barn, after what felt like hours of running (When actually it took him about two minutes). Dan fumbled with the door handle, cracking it open a bit. But all of a sudden it hit him like a bullet, you can't run from him, you can't see him, for he is.......
As soon as the doors were opened Dan felt a huge force on his cheek, nearly breaking his jaw that pushed him to the hard ground. It took him a minute to recover from the staggering blow, when he raised his head up and saw a blurry figure in his view. He shook his head to make the blur go away, when he could finally truly see the figure he felt his breath catch in his throat. There, standing before him was the legendary John Zebra. A zebra who had a shaved mane and incredible upper body strength and wore a angry stare. Dan got to his feet just in time for John Zebra to grab his neck and choke slam him in the dirt again, Dan coughed up blood and tried to recover air. When Dan opened his eyes, he saw he was in a wrestling ring with all Apploosa standing and cheering for John Zebra. Even though the ring was outdoors in the afternoon, it was dark except for spotlights on Dan and John Zebra, John Zebra smirked and waved to all his fans. A stallion with white coat and brown mane wearing a tie, stepped into the ring and held his hoof to the sky, as he did a microphone attached to a wire came down into his hoof. He coughed into the mic and begun to announce.
"Fillies and gentlecolts! Today we have a match of the century in front of us today!" He waited for the audience to settle down a bit, before continuing. "We have the blue corner, the legendary, the spectacular! John Zebra!" The crowd cheered and threw empty cider bottles and horseshoes at the ring. " And in the red corner, we have!" He coughed again and whispered to Dan. "Uhhhh what's your name?" Dan still wore a shocked expression from the recent events.
"Uh D-Dan" He half muttered, half whispered. The stallion must not have heard him correctly because when he spoke to the audience again.
"On the blue corner we have the human, Ham!" In response the audience went silent except for one stallion by the name of Braeburn. Said pony was waving his hooves like a madpony and screaming his head off. The rest of the crowd looked at him with blank expressions, a rather butch looking mare with a Stenson on her head, picked up a cider bottle and proceeded to smack Braeburn over the head with it. Braeburn went limp immediately and the crowd went wild once more. The human at this point face palmed and shook his head slowly in shame. The announcer asked Dan what his theme song would be. Dan had recovered his sanity by now and was in thought, he wanted a cool song but also one that made him seem tough. The announcer grinned and pushed a red button in his other hoof. It played a loud obnoxious beep sound, with that he made a mocking sad face.
"Awwww that's too bad you ran out of time. I guess we'll have to pick on for you!" The annonucer who Dan had decided to name Dicks Mcgee, had plugged in the speakers on the outer edges of the ring. He smiled evilly at Dan and went to his soundboard and selected a song.
Dan face palmed once again, Dicks Mcgee burst out laughing and fell on the ground. He abruptly picked himself off the ground, dusted off his coat and spoke into the mic.
"Let the match begin!" Dan's theme song kept playing as the match began. Dan let out a stressed sigh and got into a amateur fighting stance and moved forward, John Zebra walked forward with a confident stride. "Fuck it, I can do it! I just gotta believe! Dan yelled more to himself than to anyone else.
Two rounds later >>>>>>>>
Dan was curled up into a bloody ball in his corner while John Zebra was signing autographs for his fans during the break. Tears were streaming down the human's face, Braeburn had recovered and was trying to console the broken man.
"Hey pardner you just have one more round left, you can do it!" The human looked up at him and wiped the blood and tears away with the back of his hand. The human flashed him a broken smile and Braeburn noticed that a couple of teeth were missing. But he figured he would tell Dan later.
"D-do you really think so?" Braeburn looked up and saw John Zebra getting ready to beat the rest of Dan's brain cells out of him. He got a scared look and gave Dan a unsure smile and darted his eyes around to avoid looking him in the eye.
"Um sure whatever. You got this." His voice shaking the whole time. The announcer was standing in the middle of the ring and looked at Braeburn tapping his hoof, signaling him to hurry up.
"Look I don't expect you to beat him but try to stay alive alright?" Braeburn held out his hoof for a hoof bump. To which the human weakly accepted the offer and bumped Braeburn.
"I'll try Brae, but no promises alright? Braeburn just gave him a friendly smile and left him with a quick "good luck" before exiting the ring back into the crowd. Dicks Mcgee held the mic and tapped it a few times to make sure it was on, then cleared his throat.
"Fillies and gentlecolts! This is the last round of the match! Which means we must have it to the death!" Dan looked at Dicks Mcgee with wide eyes and a wide open mouth. Dan looked to Braeburn in the crowd and gave him a extremely worried look, Braeburn just looked back with his own worried look. "Alright let's not drag this out any longer!" Dicks Mcgee jumped down off the ring and into his announcer's table and rang the bell.
"Oh fu-" Dan barely had time to speak as John Zebra flew across the ring and superman punched him in the jaw. His body flew into the rungs and bounced back comically, right towards John Zebra. Who quickly reacted and held his hoof out towards the bipeds stomach. The poor human hit his hoof dead on and fell to the ground. John Zebra jumped on top of Dan and begun throwing punches like mad. The crowd was going apeshit over the brutality, through all the chaos and noise Dan could barely make out Braeburn's voice.
"Use the memes! Use the memes Dan!" The human knew however, he must not release that godly power that had been hidden inside himself. But as his vision grew darker and darker with every punch John Zebra threw at him, Dan knew he had no other choice. It was either the memes. Or death.
John Zebra let out a held breath and lifted himself off of the human, he walked towards the center of the ring where the announcer was waiting for him. Once he reached the center the announcer grabbed his hoof and held it up to the sky and shouted into the microphone.
"THE WINNER IS JOHN ZEBRA!" The crowd went completely ballistic as cider bottles and apples were thrown towards the ring. During this time, nopony noticed the human's veins were coursing with euphoria and memes the likes of which they have never seen. John Zebra turned to see the human weakly picking himself up, he smirked.
"Looks like he still has a little fight left in him!" He walked over in a stride and readied himself to finish this. John Zebra cracked his hooves and neck and pulled his hoof back for the final strike. He gave the crowd one last smirk and let his fist fly. Only for it to be blocked by Dan but Dan didn't look quite right. His skin was turning green and his ears were narrowing and turning into a cylinder shape, his hair was falling out as well. The creature began to laugh crazily and looked up with his now ogre face. He came closer John Zebra's ear and whispered.
"This is my swamp."
John Zebra's pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks at those words. He attempted to get away but Shrek had a iron grip on him. Shrek held his other hand to the sky while laughing. A bald eagle with a sick ass hairdo came down onto Shrek's hand and dropped a fedora on his head and some thuggin' shades on his face. John Zebra freed himself during this time and got back into a nervous fighting stance, for he feared no being except that this was no mortal being. Shrek smirked, reached into his back pocket and pulled out a bag of extra spicy Doritos and slowly ripped open the bag of cheesy goodness. He munched on them loudly for a while, before he suddenly narrowed his gaze towards the Zebra and threw his Dorito shurikens at his target. They flew through the air with lightning speed leaving a cheesy dust trail behind them. John Zebra barely threw himself away in time but a Dorito managed to hit him in his back left leg. It burned like hell! However he managed to pull himself himself up with great difficulty, Shrek laughed his great ogre laugh at his attempt to stand. Shrek tipped his fedora and pulled out a couple of onions with fuses in the top. He struck a match on this fedora and lit the fuses, John Zebra looked on in shock.
"Fuck me sideways." Shrek smiled and responded.
"That can be arranged." John Zebra, after hearing that emptied his stomach onto the floor of the ring. Shrek laughed once more and threw his onion grenades at John Zebra. Said zebra managed to do an epic spin and punch them back at Shrek. Shrek raised his arm to absorb the blow and roared angrily. John Zebra ninja ran up to Shrek and did a flying knee kick into Shrek's chest, knocking the wind out of the powerful ogre.
Abrupt Ending. To be continued if people actually like this piece of crap.
Author's Note
I can't believe you people wanted this, but just know that you brought this upon yourselves. The reason this took so long is because I was away and couldn't find time to write, and because I'm lazy as fuck. Arrivederci assholes.( Just kidding I love you all please don't hurt me. )
Life Is But A Meme
Leaves blew softly across the cemetery as the wind made a faint howling in the distance. Two figures stood above a lone tombstone at the top of the hill.
"Well shit." Dan said. Looking at the tombstone in front of him, his companion just nodded in agreement. Etched in the headstone read " R.I.P John Zebra. He was a stupid meme with nothing left and got shrek'd." After looking it over, Dan turned to his long time best friend, Braeburn. "Um, so I killed him? I can't really remember anything after my meme form took over." Braeburn looked back to Dan and responded.
"Ah reckon, but ah don't remember much myself. It's like some lazy ass writer just decided to skip the rest of the fight scene because he sucks at writing fights." Braeburn looked up at the sky and glared harshly at it.
"Hey! Don't look at me." Came a voice from the heavens. "I don't get paid enough for this shit, and besides, I was going to make Dan and you have sweaty gay sex on top of John Zebra's corpse. But then I realized my viewers are just here for the memes and not the plot anyway." Braeburn shouted back up at the sky.
"Y'all ain't gettin' payed anyway! Also could you please add in that sex scene? Ah want me some of that monkey dick." Dan kneeled over and started gagging.
"Um, yeah I think I'm gonna go now. This is getting really weird and knowing myself, it'll probably get a lot weirder. May the memes be with you." With his final goodbye, the author's voice went silent. Some wonder where he went, some think he now fights for justice as Deadpool. Others say he's tipping his fedora to hentai in his mom's basement. Perhaps we will never know the truth.
"I need a drink." Mumbled Dan after recovering from Braeburn's words. "Let's go to Berry Punch's place, she better have some Fireball or I'm gonna smack that bitch." Braeburn had no arguments, as he wanted to get Dan as drunk as possible so he could cop a feel. With that sexually perverted thought, he followed Dan to Berry Punch's. On the way to Berry's cottage, Dan busied himself by playing Angry Birds on his Iphone and cursing loudly whenever a pig would laugh at him. As they passed the schoolhouse, Dan let out a particularity loud line of curses. "FUCK! THESE STUPID ASS FUCKING DIPSHIT PIGS NEVER FUCKING LEARN! I'M GONNA COOK THESE FUCKERS INTO BACON BITS AND FORCE FEED THEM TO CELESTIA!" Braeburn took a nervous glance back and saw Cheerilee angrily watching them from a window, he forced out a small chuckle and smacked Dan's Iphone out of his hands.
"Sorry bout' that Miss Cheerilee,y'know how humans are!" He coughed awkwardly and started pushing Dan further away from the schoolhouse. As they faded into the distance, Cheerilee let out a sigh of relief and clapped her hooves together.
"Now class! Return to what you were doing." The children all let out defeated sighs and got back to sewing clothes for Miss Cheerilee.
"Miss Cheerilee?" A young colt raised his hand. "When can we go home?" Cheerilee let out a musical laugh and pulled a whip out of her drawer.
"Why ever would you want to leave? It seems somepony needs another lesson on not to question your teacher" Ponies said they could hear bloodcurdling screams from the direction of the schoolhouse this morning. Nopony reported it, however, because in ponyville. Nopony gives a shit.
"Hey Dan?" Braeburn turned his head to look at his bipedal friend. "Ya'think Berry will let us in? She seemed mighty upset that you pissed in her little sister's bed while singing, maybe we 'oughta come back some other time when she's cooled down. Dan laughed as he remembered that time, it seemed like it was only yesterday. Because it was. After Dan beat John Zebra, he had a party at Berry's place to celebrate. It started to get a little crazy after Dan started drinking bleach from under the sink and shouting "hey guys, Look! I'm Amanda Todd!" A couple ponies even died of alcohol poisoning, among the dead was, Steven Magnet, Bon Bon, The Big Lebowski and Shining armor. At their funeral Dan gave a drunken speech about each of them and proceeded to pass out on one of the coffins.
"Yeah that was a hell of a Sunday. But, I'm sure she'll be fine with me barging in and drinking all her imported liquor. I mean she owes me after I got that stalker away from her."
"B-but that was Shia Lebouf! And he was just signing an autograph for her! You just came up behind him in a drunken stupor and stabbed him in the back." Braeburn looked down at the ground and facehoofed. "We didn't even bury him, he just threw him in the trash with the rest of the old memes." Dan laughed again.
"You worry too much dude, watch it'll be fine" They reached Berry's front door and Dan knocked. They didn't need to wait long, as Berry opened the door almost immediately. She didn't seem pleased to see them. "Hey Berry!" Dan started to take a step inside but paused and stepped back when he saw what Berry was holding. "H-h-ey now, Berry let's all just be cool. Nobody has to get hurt here, let's all just calm down." Braeburn also saw what she had, and started shaking in fear.
"D-dan's right, y'all don't need to do this! Please, we're sorry!" Berry looked on with dead eyes and did the unthinkable.
She posted her Undertale shipping fanfiction online.
"NOOOOO! You idiot! You've doomed us all!" Dans shouted at her. "Now we have to sit through all the Undertale trash. Thanks a lot Berry.
Dan sat on the ground, defeated. "How could you Berry? How could you?
To Be Continued. (If anyone wants to see more of this trash that is.)
(Also I don't hate Undertale. But the fans can get annoying so the ending is just a playful jab at them. Don't get your panties in a twist.)
