Your Human and You: Bargain Day at the Super Market

by Lionblaze103

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Human, Alternate Universe
Length: 4068

Saitama finds himself stuck in the world of Equestria where humans are only mere pets. Of course he doesn't care, the only thing he cares about is getting back in time for bargain day at the super market.

Saitama, A-class superhero who has faced off against the likes of many dragon and even god level threats finds himself suddenly thrust into the world of Equestria where humans are no more than pets, where the threat of a monster attack is almost always imminent. Now he will have to face his biggest challenge yet. Finding a way back to his world before bargain day at the super market is over.

Update 1/5/16: Wow I never thought I'd actually do it, but here I am. I've finally written a story that's been featured on the front page of fimfiction. Thanks to everyone who reads my stories.

Credit goes to MadMax for Your Human and You.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-07 10:33:48 UTC

Prologue

Saitama gave out a loud yawn as he regained consciousness and used a hand to wipe the sleep out of his eyes. As he pushed himself into a sitting position he opened his eyes slightly to allow light, or lack thereof, to enter. Unable to see much he cracks his eyes open and takes in his surroundings which are, to his surprise, a dark room in which resided several cages.

Within each of these cages rested one, or several, human beings, most of which were naked. He himself was also in a cage, though thankfully whomever kidnapped him had left him his clothes.

"Whoever put me in this cage is going to be sorry. Don't they know that there's a bargain sale at the super market today?"

Without much in mind other than wanting to put whomever put him in a cell in his place and hoping that he didn't miss the sale at the super market Saitama stood up and took a steel bar in each hand before easily bending them open. With that done he stepped out, and with no hesitation walked over to the next cage before opening it.

As he did so he didn't bother taking note of the human inside of the cage giving him a strange look before laying his head down and going back to sleep. Saitama went around and did this for all the cages before turning to the thick concrete that made up the walls of the building. Without much hesitation he pulled his fist back before blowing a hole clean through the twelve-inch wall and then set off to find the super market, but not before making whomever put all those people in cages pay.

--

Bad Business, a fairly fierce looking stallion whose coat was a light slate gray with a black mane and tail, sat in the office at his self-run pawn shop. Of course the shop was merely a cover up for his more nefarious business dealings, human trafficking. While selling human was most certainly not illegal, using them for arena fights most certainly was, yet that was where the real money was.

As such he found himself capturing several wild humans, the more fierce the better (Besides ponies would get suspicious if local humans suddenly went missing), and selling them to the highest bidder. Of course he would never partake in the arena fights himself for he was a stallion who liked to keep things stable and in his odds which gambling, of course, was not.

And as a stallion whom liked things to stay stable he found himself thoroughly annoyed when a messenger had burst in claiming that somehow, somepony had bust through the walls of his warehouse and had attempted to set all his captured humans free.

"So you're saying that someone somehow bust through a twelve-inch thick wall of concrete and opened all the cages without anypony noticing?"

"Yes sir. Luckily we were able to contain the humans and keep them all from escaping. Well, all except one."

"No matter, one human isn't a huge loss. It's not like they can tell anypony anything anyways. What concerns me most is that now there appears to be some kind of do-gooder trying to interfere with my business. Bring a message back, tell them I want the hide of whoever did this or I'll have their hides instead."

"Y-Yes sir!"

As the courier took off Bad Business leaned back in his chair and let out a sigh.

"If they haven't contacted the authorities yet then there's still a chance to keep this isolated. I'll find out who did this and when I do they'll have a lot to answer for."

--

"Huh, no one was around. You'd think theyd've at least shown themselves so I could beat them up. Ah well, I still don't know where the heck I am though. I can see a town off in the distance so maybe someone there knows something."

Saitama set off at a jog towards the town in the hopes that he could get a lead on whoever had locked him up. Preferably he could settle everything before the super market closed, veggies were cheap after all. It took little more than half an hour for him to reach the fringes of the settlement when he noticed something weird.

"What the hell? Is this a monster village?"

Every single inhabitant of the village was a variation of some kind of equine monster, there were some with wings, some with horns that appeared to posses psychic powers, and those that looked to be normal.

"Hmm, well I guess it couldn't hurt to try anyways. If they attack me then I'll just beat them all."

With that he took a step into the settlement of strange creatures, hoping that someone here would be able to help him figure out where he was. As he walked into the town he decided on a course of action and swiftly walked towards the nearest equine which just so happened to be a light, but not unappealing, shade of pink with a light amber mane and tail as well as having a trio of lilies on her flank.

As he neared the mare looked up at him and her face went through a mixture of expressions. As Saitama made to speak he was cut off by the pink mare.

"Ugh, I can't believe some ponies just let their humans roam free like that. What if somepony got hurt? Not to mention the tacky way he's dressed."

Saitama was silent as the mare shook her head before turning away from him and trotting down the path that lead deeper into the small village. Saitama scratched his head in confusion as he tried to figure out what that had been about.

"Rude much? Ah well I'll just find someone else to ask."

He looked around for a second before spotting another pony standing behind a counter covered mostly in carrots. This pony appeared to be a regular equine like the other one, but this one had a soft golden coat with a curly gamboge orange mane and tail. On her flank was a picture of a grouping of carrots.

"Huh, I guess they all have those. Well whatever, hopefully she'll know where I am."

Saitama made his way up to what he assumed was some sort of carrot stand like they had in the old days before super markets. He really hoped he could get back before the sale at the super market was over. Nevertheless as he approached the mare looked up and smiled at him.

"Hey there big guy," she spoke softly, as if to not scare him away, "I don't get many human customers. Are you here shopping for your owner?"

"Actually I just want some directions."

The mare's mouth went agape and her eye began twitching before she finally stopped reacting at all.

"Uh, are you okay?"

He gave the mare a small poke which sent her tumbling to the ground, unresponsive.

"Is everyone here weird? Ah well there's plenty more people to ask."

With a few more people in sight Saitama set off to see if any of them could tell him what he needed to know, however each of their responses were to either faint or run off screaming. In the end he couldn't find one single person that could give him any idea on where he was or where he needed to go.

Saitama let out a sigh of annoyance at the lack of leads or knowledge, no longer sure of what his next action should be. He sat down and leaned back for a bit of rest when he spotted what appeared to be a large crystalline structure rising above the other buildings in the area.

"Hmm," he pondered while picking his nose, "That place looks important. Maybe someone there can help me."

With renewed vigor Saitama pushed himself up and took off towards the massive structure at a leisurely pace. As he made his way through the town he found that most of the creatures that inhabited it ignored him.

I guess that's good for me. The more time I spend dealing with monsters is less time for me to get to the super market.

While working towards reaching the out of place monstrosity Saitama found himself taking in the scenery of this quaint little town. He had never really seen any towns before, for most of his life he'd lived in City Z and had only really ever traveled to other cities when there was a disaster. As such Saitama found the lack of all the harsh noises of the city to be relaxing. That was one of the reasons why he chose to live in the abandoned part of Z City , well that and the rent was really cheap.

"I wonder if this is what Genos' hometown was like before it got destroyed."

That reminded him! What happened to Genos? Was Genos taken too? If he was then he might need help. Just another reason to figure out what was going on around here. Of course Genos was pretty strong so he could handle himself, but he was also an S-Class so a lot of people know who he is. Since he, himself, was relatively unknown it was unlikely that they really took any precautions in capturing him.

"Ahh! This is too much, I'm just gonna figure out what happened and then decide on what to do next."

A little while longer and Saitama finally found himself standing in front of the weird out-of-place building that appeared to be some kind of cross between a tree and a fairy tale castle. Without any other ideas he made his way up the front stairs and raised his fist before he knocked on the door.

--

Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and former student to Princess Celestia, was having a rather boring day within a rather boring week. Of course with as much that happens around here she should be enjoying this time off from all the craziness that usually accompanied living in Ponyville.

Instead she only felt apprehensive because a boring week in Ponyville always always meant that something big was going to happen, and soon. Of course without knowing what it was there was no way to prepare for what was to come, and as such she could only wait patiently.

Twilight Sparkle was, in fact, so anxious that she found herself unable to read. Unable to read. Her! If anything she was beginning to hope that whatever was going to happen would happen soon so she could just get things over with and get back to normal. Thankfully for her she found a distraction when she heard somepony knocking at the door to her castle.

Making her way downstairs she used her magic to try and make herself at least presentable to guests before she reached the front door. She cleared her voice as she readied herself to great whomever was at the door before she used her magic to pull open the door to reveal... a human?

"Oh, uh, hey there big guy. Are you lost? Do you need help finding your owner?"

"I'm just trying to figure out where I am."

"Who said that?" Twilight questioned, craning her neck in an attempt to see if anypony stood behind the human.

"I did." the human spoke, waving his hand at her.

"I, you, but, what?"

"Hey, are you ok?"

Twilight felt the world tilt as the ground rushed up to meet her.

--

"Ahh!"

Twilight bolted upright gasping for breath. After a few seconds Twilight settled down and realized that she was in on of the many bedrooms of her castle.

"Phew, it was just a dream."

"Hey you're awake."

Twilight's head swung towards the source of the voice and found the same human from the dream sitting in a chair near the bed.

"HI, I'm Saitama."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Chapter 1

Saitama waited until the mare in the bed stopped screaming to pose the obvious question.

"What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?! What's wrong with you?! You're a human!"

"Yeah, and?"

"And you're speaking!"

Saitama scratched his head in confusion, unable to grasp what was wrong with that.

"Of course I talk, why wouldn't I?"

"Why? Why? Because humans are animals! Animals don't talk! It's not scientifically possible, you are not scientifically possible!"

Saitama felt a frown cross his face at the mare's words.

"That's kinda mean isn't it?"

"I-You-ARGH!"

--

Twilight Sparkle hadn't felt this enraged since the Pinkie Sense incident. In fact she could feel a few sparks dancing around in her mane as it prepared to light itself on fire. This thing, this supposed human, was just sitting there like nothing was wrong in spite of the fact that it defied every logical piece of scientific evidence that humans were no more intelligent than dogs.

Recognizing the first stages of her descent into madness Twilight took a few moments to remember what Cadance had taught her. Twilight closed her eyes before bringing a hoof up to her chest and inhaling, then she extended her foreleg and exhaled. She did this a few more times until she felt herself calming down to a more reasonable level.

Opening her eyes Twilight focused on the creature staring at her with a look so blank that had he not talked she was sure she'd have pegged him for a normal human.

"Okay, let's start over. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and what did you say your name was?"

"Saitama."

"Okay, er, Saitama, what are you?"

"I'm a human."

"But that's not possible! You can't be human!" Twilight said a bit louder than she meant to.

"Twibright."

"Twilight."

"Twilight, you might not believe me but I'm just a human."

Twilight felt her mane begin to frazzle before she fixed it and took another deep breath.

"Okay, assuming I believe that you are human, which is a little hard, then what is it you want? Why are you here?"

"I just want to get home." he said simply, "Can you give me directions."

Twilight was starting to think that she had gone crazy. This talking human, this scientific anomaly, was only here to get some directions?

"Ugh, you know what? Fine, whatever, so long as it'll get you out of here faster then I'll help you. Where is it you're trying to go?

"I'm looking for the Hero's Association"

"Hero's Association? I've never heard of anything like that before."

"Then Z-City is fine. I just need to get back before the sale is over."

"Sorry, never heard of that either. Hold on, let me go get a map, maybe that'll help."

"Ok."

--

As Saitama patiently waited for Twilight to get back he could only think about one thing.

I really hope I don't miss the sale.

With nothing else to do Saitama used his pinkie to pick his nose. Taking a moment Saitama inspected his finger to see if anything clung to it. Upon confirming that there was he flicked it away before resuming waiting. After a few minutes, just as his patience was beginning to run thin, she returned with a parchment in her telekinetic grasp.

Pulling over a table she set the parchment down on it and rolled it out.

"There, that's a map of the world you should be able to find whatever you're looking for on there. Or at least you should be able to find the general area."

Saitama bent over and studied the map for all of three seconds before he realized something was wrong.

"Hey, are you sure this map's right?"

The mare huffed indignantly.

"Of course it's right! This is the latest edition with all the current continents, countries, and capitols."

"Eh? But it's supposed to be one big continent isn't it?"

--

Twilight couldn't believe the nerve of him, suggesting that her knowledge may be outdated. She always made sure to keep up to date with any and all new findings each and every year. Then what he had said hit her.

"Wait, what did you say?"

"I asked if the map was right."

"No, after that. What did you say after that."

"Hmm? Oh, I said that it's supposed to be one big continent. You got a really weird map."

Twilight felt her heart skip a beat at his words.

It's supposed to be one big continent.

Never in the history of the planet Equis had there been a time when there was one massive super-continent. That meant.

Twilight Sparkle inhaled sharply at the realization that this talking human may very well be from the future.

"Saitama how long have you been here?"

"About two hours I think?"

"Oh."

Twilight sighed sadly, the only method of time travel known to her was Star Swirl the Bearded's spell and that only sent you back for a few minutes at most. However that meant that if he wasn't from the future then he had to be-

"Oh my gosh! You're an alien! I have so many questions! What planet did you come from? How did you get here? Why do you look so much like our humans?"

--

Saitama felt overwhelmed by the mare's sudden rush of seemingly endless questions. Unable to get a word in edgewise he found himself growing more and more impatient as he had to listen to the mare ramble on. Finally he'd had all he could take and he slammed his hands onto the table.

"I'm not an alien!"

Twilight tilted her head to the side in a fashion similar to that of a dog.

"Not an alien? Then if you're not an alien and you're not from the future that must mean you somehow came from another dimension."

"I don't care, can you help me or not?"

"Hmm, theoretically if you are from another dimension then I should be able to pinpoint the location with a bit of work. Luckily I have a spell that'll help me with that."

The mare's horn glowed and he noticed himself be enveloped in a similar light before it dissipated.

--

Twilight stared in confusion as her spell merely vanished after a few moments of contact with Saitama's body.

What the?

Lighting up her horn again she poured  a bit more magic into her spell than last time before shoving it onto Saitama. This time the spell stayed up for half a second longer before dissipating. Focusing she forced as much magic as she could into the spell before releasing it only to watch it fade after a few seconds of contact with the creature.

How in the world is this possible. Even hydras and dragons aren't this magic resistant.

"Bad news, my magic doesn't seem to work on you which means I can't use the spell I needed. However I should still be able to get you home, it'll just take a bit longer."

"Ok. Can you get me home before today's over?"

Twilight shook her head.

"Sorry, but it's going to take at least a month for me to work it all out. Possibly longer since you're resistant to magic."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Twilight's ears splayed back, her heart racing from the sudden cry of anguish from the being in front of her.

"What's wrong?!" she questioned, fearful of the answer.

"I'M GOING TO MISS BARGAIN DAY AT THE SUPER MARKET!"

This time Twilight had no time to calm herself down before her mane and tail burst into flames.

"That's what you're worried about?! Of all things you're worried about a sale! I-"

Twilight suddenly felt all her emotions drain away leaving her tired and unwilling to argue.

"Alright, fine, look since you're from another dimension the time streams may differ. That means that even though a month may pass here in your dimension only an hour may have passed."

The look of hope that made it's way onto his face reminded her of that of a foal's. Seeing that almost made all the trouble she had just been put through worth it. Then a look of contemplation crossed his face before he spoke.

"Know anywhere I can stay at? Preferably for cheap?"

Oh yeah, he needs somewhere to stay while I work out the spell. I can't just let him walk around though, imagine the panic it could cause. I can't just keep him cooped up though, that wouldn't be right. I know!

"You can stay here, free of charge!"

"Ahh, really? Awesome!"

"All you'll need to do is pretend to be my pet for a little while."

"No."

No?

"No?"

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"I mean no."

"Why?"

"I'm not into that kinda stuff."

"I, wha-"

It took Twilight a few moments to process what he had meant by that before she flushed beet red in embarrassment.

"That's not- I didn't- I mean- that's not what I meant at all!"

"Huh? Oh."

"What I mean is that you literally have to pretend to be my pet."

"Why?"

"Because humans are animals here."

"That's kinda mean."

"No, I mean humans are literally animals here. They're barely smarter than the average dog and they're mostly seen as pets."

"Oh, I see, you always wanted a pet but didn't want to have to take care of it so you never got one."

"No! That's not it either! What I'm saying is that if you go around outside without anypony else they're either going to think of you as a stray and try to capture you or they'll find out about you being intelligent and it'll cause a panic."

"Ah," he slammed his fist into his open palm, "I get it."

"So you'll do it?"

"Sure."

"Great! I'll get a room set up for you, tomorrow we'll go out and get you some things from the store."

"Ok."

"Stay right here while I get your room set up."

--

Saitama found himself alone once again as the mare dashed out to prepare him a place to stay.. To be honest he didn't really care much about all this, he just wanted to get back home and get to the sale. However if playing along got him free room and board he was happy to oblige.

"I wonder if they have any monsters for me to fight."

Honestly being bored was nothing new for Saitama, since he had gotten strong his entire existence had pretty much revolved around trying to sate his boredom. Maybe something in this world would be able to challenge him, though more likely than not it would go the same as in his world.

"Woah! Since when did we have a human?"

Saitama looked up to find a purple scaled lizard standing on two legs in the doorway.

"Hi." he said, waving at the lizard, upon seeing this the lizard's eyes opened wide.

"Twilight!"

"Yeah Spike?"

"Did this human just talk?"

There was a flash of light as Twilight appeared in the room.

"I completely forgot. Spike, this is Saitama, it seems as though he's from another dimension. Saitama this is my number one assistant Spike. Saitama's going to be staying here with us for a little while while I try to figure out a way back to his home."

"Hey." Saitama spoke.

"Hi." Spike said, waving back.

"I'm surprised that you're not more freaked out about this." Twilight said.

"Meh, when you live in Ponyville you get used to all kinds of weird stuff happening. Knowing you though you probably fainted right?"

Twilight's furious blush answered his question better than any words.

"That's what I thought."

"Anyways your room is set up now. Follow me and I'll show you to your room."

Saitama nodded and followed her out of the room and through the castle halls until they reached another door that swung open to reveal a room almost exactly similar to the other one..

"It's not much right now, but we'll get a couple of thing to spruce it up with tomorrow."

"Thanks." he thanked her.

"No problem, it's what friends do right? Now I recommend getting some rest. It's pretty late and we've got to get an early start tomorrow."

"Ok."

With that Twilight left, leaving Saitama alone in the room. As he laid down he let his mind wander to Genos and his world.

"I'm sure they'll be fine without me."