Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead

Chapters

Vampires do not Sparkle
Watching You Sleep
We are not Responsible Adults
Smoke if you got 'em
Teen Drama Sucks for Everyone Involved
Majestic like an Effing Unicorn
Midnight Oil
Mondays are Harsh
Chrysalis actually wants peace.
I Lied.
Good Guys, Bad Guys, and Explosions
The Candy-Colored Aftermath
Teen Drama Still Sucks for Everyone Involved
The Melancholy of Vice Principal Luna
Keep Calm and Love Fluttershy
Christmas at Ground Zero
Never Mess with a Mom in a Mall at Christmastime
Long Live the King
We might not have it all together, but together, we have it all.
Meanwhile, in Equestria...
We Are Still Not Responsible Adults
Do Not Read This Chapter While Eating
It's a Trap!
AND THE MAN IN THE BACK SAID EVERYONE ATTACK AND IT TURNED INTO A BALLROOM BLITZ
This is a cartoon, blunt trauma just knocks people out for a while.
Only a Deus Ex Machina can save us now!
We Hunt Vampires and Look Good Doing it
Something, Something, Friendship Lesson
Bonus Chapter: Kiss De Gurl
Epilogue: Call Me Al
The Littlest Vampire Hunter
Sunset Shimmer is not Good at Lying
Pretty Pony Princesses Perplexing Pensive Principals and Penitent Pupils
The Secret End Boss of "Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead"
One More Slice-of-Life Chapter Before Shit Gets Real

Vampires do not Sparkle

A long day. Still, Celestia was optimistic. She’d made quiet rounds with the faculty to inform them of the Sunset situation, and no major objection had been raised. Some were even supportive, like Redheart:

“Well, Principal, I think you’re doing the right thing. You’re right – if we refused her, Sunset would just hare off on her own, and who knows what trouble she’d get into? I’ll patch her up when she needs it, same as the rest of you.”

Cranky Doodle was fine as well, which genuinely surprised Celestia. He was a pessimist, but also a realist.

“Miss, we don’t know two darned things about most of the monsters we fight, and not even one darned thing about their magic. If Sunset can help us even the odds, I say we let her.”

Iron Will, the gym teacher… he always had his own perspective on things.

“If Sunset’s a hunter, I’ll still be a thumper!”

“Ah… yes, Iron. But what do you think of it?”

“When zombies be bunching, IRON WILL BE PUNCHING!”

And then he did that thing where he rips off his shirt and vibrates his pecs.

The one Celestia was least confident about had been saved for last. While most of the faculty had by now accepted Sunset’s change of heart with good cheer, Nagatha Harshwhinny remained suspicious and hostile to the girl. She taught history, Sunset’s academic weak spot, and had zero reluctance to remind her of the Fall Formal. Celestia had learned second-hand that Harshwhinny squabbled with Luna, disliked the Rainbooms and Redheart… honestly, Celestia wasn’t too sure what the stern woman thought of her.

More to the point, she was the only member of the faculty who had been in “the business” longer than Celestia. Her opinion mattered, and Celestia would be a fool to ignore it.

In the end, the hours spent worrying about the talk proved needless. When the subject was broached, Harshwhinny simply glanced up from her papers, shrugged, and said, “Good luck.”

Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but neither was it an objection. When classes ended and Sunset came to the office, Celestia had been able to greet her with the honest statement that the faculty more-or-less approved of her joining.

“Even Miss Harshwhinny?” Sunset asked.

Celestia nodded, rationalizing that it was probably not a lie.

A few hours of informal chatting passed, this time with Luna playing a far more active role. To both parties’ surprise, they learned many of Earth’s monsters had equivalents in Sunset’s Equestria. Both worlds had fact-based legends of vampires, werewolves, and darker creatures from beyond time and space. Stranger still, when shown a photograph of a chalk-drawn symbol, Sunset had immediately identified it as a necromantic rune, and stated with confidence that it summoned zombies. She was not incorrect.

Other subjects found her rather more lacking. She had zero skill with firearms or explosives, and her only combat experience had been brawling with other students. She once had a switchblade knife for intimidation, but had long since thrown it away.

No one brought up the idea of using the Rainbooms’ magic. Celestia’s goal was to protect the student body, not involve them in the fight. Sunset’s unique knowledge made her an exception, but the exceptions ended with her.

As the conversation wore on, the boundaries between principals and student began to slide. They chatted and laughed over a delivered pizza, exchanging theories and comments.

Luna didn’t laugh, of course. But her glare grew marginally softer, and her smile came readily. The evening’s shadows grew long, and the sisters shared another near-telepathic glance.

“I think this was a good move,” Celestia communicated with an eyebrow wiggle and light laugh.

Luna’s arched eyebrow returned, “Don’t forget, it was my idea.” Celestia rolled her eyes, reaching for another slice of pizza.

And the lights went out. Three heads snapped upwards as the doorknob slowly turned.

Sunset stood bolt upright and looked around wildly, patting her belt for the weapon that was not there. “Where’s my backpack!? It’s got the gun!”

“You put it in the backpack?” Luna growled.

“Of course I did! Seriously, what were you thinking giving me that in front of–”

“It seems the hunters have recruited.”

The voice slithered through the door, loud and low, but distinctly feminine.

With a rush of cold air, the door swung open. A cloaked figure stood on the other side, very tall and with a bent, conical head. Arms too low for the shoulders pressed long fingers together in a mockery of prayer. Little else could be seen – the hallway and office were both dark, casting the creature in shadows.

“Such a young one. A little chick, ordered to hunt foxes. You poor things would be lost without the friendlier foxes, wouldn’t you?”

As the adrenaline gave way, Sunset blinked and squinted in the gloom. Something was… off, here. Neither principals were scrambling for weapons, or even giving the newcomer their full attention. Instead, Celestia pinched the bridge of her nose, while Luna groaned and looked away.

The stranger seemed off, too. Its voice came not from the conical head, but from a place below. Almost as if the cone was nothing more than a hat.

The coin dropped. Sunset couldn’t believe it, but… “Trixie?”

“In the undead flesh!” Trixie cried, raising her arms and returning to her normal voice.

“Seriously!?”

“No,” Luna said. “Not seriously.”

Ever the diplomat, Celestia explained. “She stumbled onto one of our meetings a few weeks back. Ever since then, she’s been a little…”

“Pain in the ass.” Luna finished.

“Wait. If you were a real vampire…” Sunset turned back to Trixie. “Wouldn’t they kill you?”

“Nuh-uh!” Trixie protested in a way that struck Sunset as distinctly un-vampireish. “Trixie is a good vampire! She helps protect the school! And she is a vampire! Here, watch!”

The girl’s right hand threw something to the ground. It cracked and popped just as the left hand switched on the lights. The return to vision brought Trixie’s details into view, with bright glitter swirling around her.

“Behold!” Trixie called, pointing a finger above her hat. “The Great and Powerful Trixie sparkles in the light!”

Sunset… lost her words. Without breaking her gaze, she pinched the palm of her left hand and wondered if the whole day had been just a really weird dream.

Luna, as it happened, was not at loss for words. “We all saw the glitter bomb, Trixie.” She had stepped closer during the darkened moments, and now pushed Trixie none-too-gently from the office.

Trixie squawked and protested, but Luna walked behind and continued pushing her in the direction of the exit. Soon they were out of sight, and Celestia scratched her head with a sheepish smile.

“Sorry about that.” She twirled a set of keys around her finger. “It’s pretty late. Where do you live? I’ll give you a ride.”

Sunset – as Celestia learned in that moment – had become a very, very poor liar. She opened her mouth like a fish, snapped it shut, and grinned like an idiot.

“Me? Ha-ha, don’t worry, I’ll just walk. Really, it’s right around the corner.”

“Sunset.”

Once more, Celestia deployed her authoritative voice. Sunset straightened instinctively, and her grin wavered.

“Where do you live?”

The voice of a principal – the voice that demanded answers. Sunset could only oblige. “I crash in Applejack’s barn.”

“She makes you sleep in the barn?” The authority dropped, leaving confusion and a hint of betrayal.

“She, uh…” Sunset fidgeted with her hands, laughing nervously. “She doesn’t know. Her brother makes his deliveries well before school starts, so I sneak in the truck and slip out when we’re close enough. I snag a few apples for breakfast… heh, don’t tell Applejack.”

“Interesting,” Celestia said, maintaining her stern tone. “Have your friends never asked?”

“I told them I live with my dad.”

“But… they know you’re from Equestria.”

“Yeah.” Sunset glanced to the side, and her smile shrank to a small, effacing grin. “I love my friends. And I love them even though they can be… kind of oblivious.”

“We all can be,” Celestia said, quickly assuaging the other’s guilt. A comforting pat on the shoulder bought her time to ponder Sunset’s condition, but only one choice came to mind. They could look elsewhere later.

“Come on home with us.” Celestia smiled welcomingly, and pressed on before the protest. “I… I’m not offering to adopt you. That’s not something I can decide on the fly. But you’re a growing girl, and a growing girl needs a real bed to sleep in.”

“Really?” Sunset laughed. “You’re pulling the ‘growing girl’ line on me again?”

“Absolutely.” Celestia beamed. “And consider this a condition for remaining ‘in.’ Refuse, and you’re out.”

“Alright, alright.” Sunset raised her arms in mock surrender. “Message received. Thanks for this. I’ll be out of your hair as soon as I figure out something else.”

“Let me handle that,” Celestia said. “In the meantime… oh, Luna! Sunset will be coming home with us.”

Luna had materialized in the doorway, sans Trixie. She sent a glance to Sunset that could best be described as ‘baleful’ and turned back to Celestia. “Don’t you think you should check with your roommate, first?”

Celestia’s eternal smile remained unchanged. “It’s my house, sis.”

Luna’s voice never rose, but it somehow intensified with anger. “Oh, you’re playing that card. I see how it is.”

“You two live together?” Sunset squeaked, hoping to preempt their argument. Staying at Celestia’s place would be awkward enough without adding family drama to the mix.

“Yeah,” Luna huffed. “We share a room, too.”

“Really?” Sunset laughed. “What do you do when one of you brings… you know, a boyfriend? Someone that you want to spend the night with?”

She meant it as a light, friendly barb. “A hotel,” or something would be the answer, and the conversation would be drawn further from the drama.

Instead… silence. Cerlestia’s smile remained, but it was a painful, frozen thing. Luna just looked away.

The breaking of the silence was no less awkward. Celestia coughed weakly into her hand and stepped through the door. “Let’s go.”

With her sister’s back turned, Luna stepped close to Sunset, punched her once on the shoulder, and turned to follow.

As she trailed in their wake, Sunset gave her own punch – a rap of the knuckles on the side of her head.

Author's Note

SHOUTOUT TO ALL MAH SINGLE FOREVER PEEEEEEEEPS

Anyway, next chapter out within the hour, because we don't end postings here on downer notes.

Watching You Sleep

“Sunset? Are you…”

Celestia caught herself as she entered the room. Sunset was fast asleep.

It was a modest house the sisters lived in – bought and maintained on Celestia’s income alone, while Luna’s funded the business. Their fold-out bed filled the living room, which also connected to the kitchen and main hallway. Celestia had apologized for the inconvenience, interrupting Sunset’s apologies for the intrusion. They went back and forth a few times before Luna brusquely ordered them to stop. Sunset then apologized for annoying her, leading to Luna claiming “First Shower” privileges.

Celestia had let Sunset take the bathroom next, using the time to get the bed and linens ready. She then took her own shower and emerged to find the young girl curled up within the spread, snoring softly.

The old phrase entered Celestia’s mind: She looks like an angel.

She really, truly did. Celestia sat down in a living room chair, eyes unmoving from the sleeping girl. It was hard to believe this was the same Sunset who had given her such trials in the past, or even the spunky fighter from this morning. Here lay a plain and simple teenager: skinny and short for her age, and always half-lost in a world not her own. Without her leather jacket, she looked more like a child than a young adult, a notion strengthened by Luna’s old Transformers blanket above her. Sunset had curled easily within it at first, though she slowly stretched as she slept. A yellow foot now poked from its base, scrunched tightly against the unwanted chill.

Many factors in Celestia’s life made her the 35-year-old virgin of today, but her maternal instincts were as sharp as anyone’s. Without even consciously thinking about it, her slippered tip-toes carried her back to the bathroom, where the linen closet was. She retrieved a large maroon comforter from it, returned, and draped it across Sunset’s sleeping form. The girl uncurled the rest of the way, sighing unconsciously as she melted into the warmth.

Celestia beamed like the sunrise. She couldn’t help herself – she brushed back Sunset’s hair, revealing the forehead. She leaned in, puckered her lips, and…

Okay, maybe she could help herself. As touchy-feely as she was with her students, there was such a thing as taking it too far.

Her back straightened. But an instant later, she leaned back down. Sunset wasn’t just a student – she was a vulnerable, homeless girl, with no one to love and care for her. She deserved more than a place to crash, she deserved…

A family? Celestia righted herself, looking away. She was not adopting Sunset, and had no plans to. She’d happily yield the living room for months, even years if that’s what it took for the girl to get on her feet. But Celestia had her own plans in life, and becoming the single mother of a teenager was absolutely not one of them. Besides, Sunset would be far better off with a normal family.

Yet… she had no normal family. And as dysfunctional as this place could be, it was miles better than the homelessness Sunset had endured for years. The poor girl… if not Celestia, then who?

She leaned in, then drew back again. It wasn’t proper. Sunset was not her daughter.

But…

“Tia, will you freaking kiss her and get it out of your system?”

As was her style, Luna had appeared in silence, her habitual glare somewhat mitigated by her Pokemon pajamas. “Seriously, I’ve been waiting an hour for you.”

“Need me to tuck you in?” Celestia teased. She picked idly at her own sleep clothes: plaid boxers and an old Simon and Garfunkel t-shirt.

“Not funny, Tia. Now hurry up.”

Celestia ended the joke, knowing full-well she had tapped a landmine. She bent her head down, gave a quick peck on Sunset’s forehead, and followed Luna to their bedroom.

Strange, how the human body works. Every square inch of Sunset’s muscle and mind wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. But her bladder demanded action, and it held the only vote.

With a bleary garble, she checked her phone. Midnight. Celestia damn it.

Growling and grumbling, Sunset kicked off the comforter and rose. She hesitated, eyes resting on the maroon blanket that hadn’t been there before.

The mystery would wait. Nature was calling very urgently, and it was all the half-awake Sunset could do to not barrel into walls on her way to the bathroom. Only once she was seated and concluding her business could enough brain cells be freed to consider the extra blanket.

It didn’t exactly take Sherlock Hooves to solve the case. Two suspects: Vice-Principal Luna was absolutely not the type to care for her warmth, while Principal Celestia absolutely was.

Although… maybe she was wrong. The two had proven to be full of surprises. Who could say how many remained?

Thoughts of the pair made Sunset pause beneath the hallway’s light, her eyes lingering on their door. A wooden placard announced “Tia and Lulu” in pink cursive – again, probably Celestia’s work. Not for the first time, Sunset wondered at just how little she really knew of them.

Her eyes fell to where the door met the frame. It was ajar, though only slightly. A gentle push would swing it open without the telltale click of a turning knob.

Sunset’s curiosity and conscience warred briefly before the former won out. A yellow hand rose, and gently pushed the door inwards.

A blinding, white-pink light blasted from the darkened bedroom. Sunset flinched, shielding her eyes and barely resisting the urge to cry out. She groped blindly for the door, seizing it with merciful silence and easing it closed until the light no longer burned through her eyelids.

Like looking at the sun. Sunset squinted her eyes open. It was still bright, but not as bad as it had been before she half-closed the door. She could see the inside of the room. See the source.

Her jaw dropped.

The legs. For the love of… well, Celestia, it was the legs!

Sunset was a smart girl – she knew the longstanding jokes about the principal’s freakishly long legs were based more on perception than fact. Celestia (or “Celegstia,” to many students) was tall and very slim, creating the optical illusion of chest-high legs. That was all there was to it.

Boy howdy, though, here and now it was an illusion strong enough to conquer Sunset’s eyes. The legs were bare beneath their boxers, making them seem thinner and longer than ever. One was bent at the knee, propping up the other’s foot to form a hollow pyramid – a shape now burned as sunspots into Sunset’s vision. In trying to blink them away, she pushed the door open a little more and was punished by a new flare of pale pink.

Her agile mind quickly found the answer: Celestia’s legs weren’t generating the flash, of course. But they reflected the hallway light like nobody’s business. Maybe it was the angle or something, but when Sunset pushed the door open enough they became neon. No wonder the principal wore pants everywhere.

The good news was that, with sufficient control of the ambient light, Sunset was able to illuminate the room just enough to make out details. It was less interesting than she hoped – dressers, mirrors, all the stuff needed for a good double bedroom. What little free space remained seemed to be occupied by a flat-screen television, with a video game system parked in front.

Then there was the sleeping Celestia herself, looking nothing like how Sunset envisioned. No foofy pink pajamas, thick pillow, or shred of dignity. The oddly-positioned legs had already kicked off their sheet, and one hand scratched her stomach beneath a stained white t-shirt. She wasn’t snoring, but her mouth hung open as if in perpetual yawn. The enviable many-hued hair pooled and puddled around her, even dipping into the open mouth.

In her head, Sunset laughed. Another little wonder that she couldn’t tell her friends. But she liked it – a reminder that this Celestia was different than the perfect sun-princess who shared her name. A mortal instead of a goddess, Principal Celestia was one she could actually relate to, and who could relate to her.

Then there was Luna…

Who was glaring right at her!

Sunset startled and gasped, feeling her heart skip a beat.

“Sorry,” she whispered, looking away. “I, uh, just leaned on the door and it opened.”

No reply came. Sunset chanced a glance back: unlike the sister beside her, Luna was tucked into their bed, lying flat and straight… and of course, still glaring.

Under the unspoken accusation, Sunset cracked like an egg. “Okay, okay. I was curious. I’m sorry, I know it was wrong. It was spur of the moment, you know?”

Silence. Sunset swallowed hard, beginning to find the ceaseless gaze more than a little unnerving.

“Miss Luna?”

More silence.

“Miss Luna… are you awake?”

Again, silence. Susnet gave a little wave, emotions mixed. Nice as it was to get off easily, the unblinking stare was creepy as heck. Especially since it seemed to meet Sunset’s eyes no matter where she moved her head.

“I’m, uh, gonna go now. Good night.”

No response. Sunset released a sigh as she brought the door closed. She stepped quietly back to bed, mind turning with far more questions than she started with.

The biggest question only hit her a few minutes later, just as drowsiness turned to sleep.

Wait… they share a bed!?

The next morning, Sunset awoke to find Celestia on her way out the door. Saturday mornings began the principals’ weekend, and the older one started hers with a two-hour jog. Tired, hungry, and not at all interested in October’s chill, Sunset declined to join her.

Gifted with hindsight, she might have reconsidered. The next few moments saw her seated with Luna at a tense, awkward breakfast of milk and cereal. Sunset hunched over her own, blocking Luna’s eyes with the bright box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

She couldn’t hide from the voice, though.

“Say it.”

“Say what?” Sunset grinned widely, giving an awful bluff that Luna lanced right through.

“Don’t play dumb,” Luna huffed. “I saw you last night.”

“I thought you were asleep!”

“I was. But I remember what I see.”

“Wow. Okay, uh…” Sunset peeked over the box, smiling weakly. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Luna pointed a spoon directly at her. “I knew you’d stumble in there sooner or later, so say it: ‘You share a bed with your sister, you weirdo.’”

Sunset raised a finger in protest. “Once more, because I guess it's easy to forget: I’m a magic pony from another dimension. I cannot in good conscience call anyone else ‘weirdo.’”

“Well it is weird, so I’m going to share the reason.” Luna returned the spoon to her bowl. “Else you and the Rainbooms will invent your own explanation.”

“Hey, don’t worry about that. I won’t tell.”

“Like how you weren’t going to tell about the monster hunting?”

“Uh….” Sunset winced. “Fair point.”

“Look, it’s not a single bed.” Luna scratched at her hair, glancing away. “It’s two beds, pushed next to each other.”

She looked suddenly to Sunset, eyes far softer than their norm. “Do you know what night terrors are?”

Sunset had no idea. “A kind of monster?”

A faint smile played on Luna’s lips, then swiftly vanished. “No. Think of them as very bad, very frequent nightmares. The kind that wake you up in a blind panic, able to recall their every detail and wishing you did not.”

She sighed, gazing away once more. “Sunset, a while ago, something happened with me and Tia. Something bad, and you’ll excuse me for not sharing the details. Ever since then, Tia has been haunted by night terrors. At their worst they would rouse her several times a night, and she came to dread falling asleep. My sleeping next to her has… I hesitate to say ‘cured’ them, but it certainly helps. Like her unconscious mind somehow senses me, and knows that everything is alright.”

“That’s very kind of you.” Sunset smiled benignly, but blinked and frowned as Luna laughed.

“Not really,” Luna said. “I had sort of the opposite problem after the Something Bad. Tia’s sleep gave her trouble, and I couldn’t sleep. I would literally spend three out of four nights just playing video games, or lying in bed as the hours ticked by. I lived in a state of exhaustion until… well, until Tia came over one night. She tucked me in like a friggin’ toddler, sat by my bed, and boom. Five minutes later I was dead to the world.”

“Wow.”

“You can say that again.” Luna tapped her spoon to the empty bowl, eyes on the past. “Even now, I can’t sleep unless she’s right next to me. Pretty pathetic, huh?”

“No. Definitely not.” Sunset shook her head. “I’ve learned a lot of things since coming to this world. One of the big ones is that it’s not a bad thing to rely on those close to you. You two may need each other, but I need my friends too, and I think I’m better for it. It’s not a weakness, it’s a strength.”

“I see you’ve been reading Tia’s playbook of pussy catchphrases.” But Luna was smiling as she said it. “I hope you’ve got some snappier comebacks in the tank: we hunt vampires this evening, and smack talk is a big part of the business.”

“Um, right.” The yellow girl nodded grimly, thoughts far more on survival than proper lingo. “Just… are you two going to be okay? You’ve obviously been through a lot, and I can’t imagine that endless battle with the legions of darkness helps at all.”

She drained her milk glass after the statement, leading to an embarrassing spit-take as Luna replied.

“Oh, it helps immensely. You’ll understand when you… ew. Wipe your mouth. And then get dressed – we’re teaching you how to shoot. You won’t do us much good tonight if you can’t even work the safety.”

“Isn’t it too soon?” Sunset reached for the towel, face twisted in now-familiar confusion. “Don’t I need training or something?”

Luna shrugged. “Hm… nah. It’ll probably be fine.”

Author's Note

Coming up next, "Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead" will actually live up to its name.

We are not Responsible Adults

Author's Note

“You need to get up in the morning and say, “Boy, I’m going to – in my own stupid way – save the world today.”

-Carol Bellamy, Peace Corps Director.

-Official goddamn quote of the fic.

We are not Responsible Adults

“Celestia! I’m *BANG* freaking out!”

The woman was right next to her, but Sunset screamed the words. It was the only way she could hear herself over the gunshots.

“I’m here, Sunset. Don’t worry. Just *BANG* focus on the zombies close to you.”

Celestia’s own weapon of choice was a short, semi-automatic carbine, favored for its use at any range. Another satisfying *BANG* tore through both a tombstone and an undead kneecap, and she glanced to her ward.

Her quiet, patient frown came to the fore as Sunset made a classic first-timer mistake. Wide-eyed and trigger-happy, her bursts had flown into mid-ranged zombies, leaving her weapon empty as one lumbered close. She threw up her arm to guard the body, and cried out as the zombie bit her hand.

*BANG*

That was another nice thing about the carbine: it had a good, solid kiss to it, unlike Luna’s trendy little machine pistol. The force alone knocked the zombie down with a deep gouge in its chest.

“Oh, shit.” Heedless of the gore on her jacket and boots, Sunset stared with growing horror at the bitten hand. “Shit. Shit…”

She slumped to her knees, shivering and sobbing. “Shit. Principal, I’m bit.”

“It’s not *BANG* bad,” Celestia consoled, only glancing at the barely-bleeding wound. “A little antiseptic, a little bandage, and you’ll be fine.”

“But I’m gonna turn into one!” Sunset’s tear-choked scream hit the air. “Principal, I… you have to… oh my Goddess, my friends, everyone… I’ll never see them again. B-but I’d rather die as myself so you have to–”

“You know the answer, Sunset.” With no zombies closer than a few dozen meters, Celestia gave herself a moment of time. She knelt next to Sunset, putting her purple slacks to the muddy ground and laying a hand on the other’s shoulder. Sunset turned her crying gaze upwards, and Celestia gave her a gentle smile.

“Sunset, did you learn about the space program by watching Star Wars?”

“What?” the girl blinked at the seeming non sequitur. “No.”

“Then don’t do the same for zombies. Explain to me how they’re animated using facts, not movies.”

“Necromancy,” Sunset answered. “The black magic takes a dead body, and… oh.”

She beamed, realizing in a rush that her life would endure. Yeah, there’s no infection or whatever. The necromancy just animates the dead bodies in its area of effect. Would explain why the vampire forted up in a graveyard.

Celestia gave a comforting squeeze, knowing and loving the relief that swept to Sunset’s face. “You’re doing fine. Now reload – we’re sticking to the plan.”

“Right,” Sunset breathed, and began fumbling with her pistol.

The plan. It was a decent plan. Iron Will was large, loud, and violent, making him perfect for kicking down the gate and attracting most of the zombies. With Cranky and Redheart covering his flanks, they’d rampage the graveyard while the vampire retreated – usually to the largest, fanciest mausoleum. There, the other four would hopefully catch it with the bulk of its defenses away.

Sunset and Celestia had slipped through a hole in the back fence, and now the final two jogged up to join them: Luna, with her machine pistol, and Harshwhinny, fitting bullets into a small, dignified revolver.

“Quiet on your end?” Celestia asked. The pair seemed… clean compared to Sunset and herself.

“Quiet enough to hear Sunset screaming for you,” Luna noted.

“Are you crying?” Harshwhinny asked, looking ice-eyed to Sunset. “Miss Shimmer, kindly bring your big-girl panties next time.”

“Hey,” Celestia cut in with uncharacteristic sharpness. One arm reached over and hugged Sunset tightly, heedless of the zombie gore. “She got bit, she saw the movies, her mind went to a bad place. Ease off. Especially you, Luna – you were a crying wreck after your first bite.”

“Was not,” Luna growled, looking away.

Ignoring the rebuttal, Celestia turned her attention to Sunset. The girl was making a red-faced effort to get a hold of herself. She quickly blinked her eyes clear, and wiped a grimy sleeve across her face. She rose, still evidently shaken.

“Sunset. Honey.” Celestia smiled encouragingly, hoping the bloodstain she felt on her cheek didn’t detract from it. “You’re stressing out too much. Zombies have blunt teeth and fingernails. They’re not much threat, and you can always shout for help if you need it. You’re going to be fine, okay? So try to have fun.”

“Fun?”

“If you have the right mindset, it’s a lot of fun.” Celestia hugged the yellow girl to her chest. “And remember, I’m here with you.”

A few paces away, Harshwhinny gave Luna a sidelong glance. “Is she adopting her?”

“Yes.” Luna deadpanned.

“Sister,” Celestia shot in a warning tone.

Luna threw up her arms. “Fine, drag it out another twenty chapters. See if I care. Now are we doing this, or what? Iron Will can’t keep his end up forever.”

From the front of the graveyard, a voice boomed. “When the dead come arising, IRON WILL STARTS CHASTISING!”

“…Probably.” Luna shrugged. “One way or another, let’s go.”

The graveyard had several mausoleums, but only one real suspect: a gaudy, bronzed one with a blasted door, and a girl’s scream echoing from within.

They paused upon hearing the scream. Harshwhinny held a hand up for silence, but Sunset was already racing forwards.

“Miss Shimmer, wait!”

Luna grinned as they sped after her. “At least she’s enthusiastic.”

“‘Enthusiastic,’ nothing!” Sunset shouted back, resisting the urge to add ‘you maniacs.’ “That’s Twilight’s voice!”

She bounded up the mausoleum’s stairs with the others on her heels, but halted abruptly as she entered the door. Stark contrast to the reddened evening outside, within the walls it was pitch black.

“…Twilight?”

“Sunset!?”

Sunset startled, almost pulling the trigger as lights came on around her. Four torches in the corners of the room sprang to a guttering, dim life, casting the mausoleum in shadows.

It was enough. An altar had been raised in the room, where a figure in black loomed. He was handsome and smooth, with pale blue skin and white hair. A ruffled shirt lay beneath his fine suit… and blood ran from the corner of his mouth.

… Oh…

Sunset didn’t want to look. But she did, lowering her eyes from the grinning mouth. Twilight Sparkle – “Human Twilight” to the Rainbooms – was bound to an altar, with chains spreading her arms and legs into an ‘X.’ Her black glasses flew off as she thrashed, grunting and straining despite the twin pricks on her neck.

Twilight ceased her struggles upon seeing the four. Her eyes widened, then quickly narrowed. “Sunset! You came to… who gave you a gun?”

“Twilight, you’re going to be okay!”

“Little late for that.” Harshwhinny clicked back the hammer on her pistol.

“Whoa, hey!” Sunset whipped around, raising her arms wide as if to catch the bullets. “We are not killing Twilight just for being a vampire.”

Harshwhinny sniffed. “Miss Shimmer, I don’t tell you how to be a fire demon, so don’t tell me how to be a vampire hunter.”

“Okay, first off? Twilight’s my friend. Second, you’re bringing that up!?”

“Wait, what’s this about killing me!?” Twilight shrieked.

“Everybody shut up!” Luna punched the stone doorway and pointed her gun at the stranger. “Except for you. What did you do to Twilight?”

The man gave a small laugh, utterly unafraid of the weapon. A too-long tongue snaked down his cheek, wiping the spilled blood before he spoke. “Just a pint, my dear. She remains perfectly, boringly, human.”

“And perfectly clothed,” Luna noted with a touch of surprise. “Usually you bloodsuckers can’t wait to make a few Mrs. Draculas. What’s your game, Alphonso?”

Sunset blinked. “You know him?”

“Gym teacher at Griffonstone Academy,” Luna said, never moving her eyes from the target. “He also coaches all their girls’ sports teams.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, I call first shower when we get home.”

“Griffonstone.” Alphonso said the name like a curse, his grin fading to a glower. “Ugh. With its senile old principal and butch girls who wouldn’t know makeup from mud puddles. I’m destined for better hunting grounds, and as soon as I’m done with you – Hoity Prep! A fine harem of lovely, classy girls from whom to pick my first bride.”

He glanced to Twilight and shrugged. “No offense, but a vampire’s first has to be someone… you know, special. Not a flat-chest, five-out-of-ten dork who chews her nails.”

Twilight growled her response, glaring as intimidatingly as she could while chained in place. “Then why didn’t you kidnap one of those oh-so refined Hoity Prep girls?”

“You have the hunters to thank for that.” Alphonso gestured to the four in the doorway. “I knew they had my scent, so I needed a trump card. That’s you.”

“Me?”

Sunset bit hard on her lip. Does Alphonso know? Equestria, Midnight Sparkle… did I miss something? If Twilight still has Equestrian magic, who knows what he’ll unleash!?

A deep breath, in and out. She felt Celestia by her side… and Luna and Miss Harshwhinny, too. They wouldn’t make it easy for this creep, whatever he was planning.

“Yes, my dear.” The torches flickered, casting the pale face in shadows as Alphonso grinned a sharp-toothed grin. “You see, we vampires profit greatly from the consumption of innocence – particularly at that tender, adolescent stage between child and adult. Others may look at you and see an unfeminine geek, but I see… well, an unfeminine geek, but more to the point…”

“…A virgin.”

“What.” Twilight’s glare only deepened.

“That’s not what I expected,” Sunset admitted.

Alphonso slowly clenched a fist in the air, and the torches guttered and sparked with green flame. “Virgin blood stays with us so briefly, but its power is enormous. Strength. Speed. Invincibility against your precious guns. I’ll kill you lot, and then that loudmouth outside. With virgin blood in me, there’s nothing you can do.”

“For real?” Sunset glanced to Luna, feeling the sweat run down her face. The vice-principal grimaced and shrugged.

No way. Sunset swallowed her fear and gripped the gun tighter, pointing it squarely at the foe. No way we’re letting this pervert loser win. We’re saving you, Twilight. We’re…

Twilight was grinning.

Sunset blinked.

“Hey Mister Refined Girls Only!” The bitter, nasal voice of the captive Twilight shot triumphantly through the room. “I’m not a virgin!”

Silence.

“Really?” Alphonso and Luna said at once.

*BANG*

A red hole appeared in Alphonso’s chest, spilling blood on his pretty little suit.

*BANG*

The next one entered his head. Fangs shot open in surprise as he stumbled backwards and slumped against the wall.

*BANG*

A third one, to make it a sure thing.

He twitched.

*BANG*

There we go.

*BANG*

…*BANG*

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *Click*

Hands moving just like Luna taught her, Sunset ejected the old clip, slapped in a new one, racked a round into the chamber and–

“You got ‘em, Sunset.” Luna.

*BANG*

“Silver bullets aren’t free, Miss Shimmer.”

*BANG*

“Sunset.”

At Celestia’s word, Sunset blinked and took her finger off the trigger. Her eyes swept to the others: Harshwhinny’s habitual glare was unchanged, but at least now it focused on the removal of Twilight’s chains. Twilight herself met Sunset’s glance and gave a smile, though Sunset’s own eyes kept moving.

Luna and Celestia were both smiling at her. Luna’s was cagey and knowing, while Celestia looked like a proud parent.

Sunset breathed in slowly – the musk of damp stone, mixed with the acrid glory of spent brass and gunpowder. The gun was heavy as ever, but the weight somehow felt good. Alphonso had gone from vicious predator to messy memory by Sunset’s hand. Things had been tense and scary, yeah. But also…

“Definitely cathartic,” she admitted with a grin. A second, sharper breath of that wonderful gun smoke. “Exciting.”

The smile turned wry. “You know, like a roller coaster without a seat-belt. I still think you guys are crazy. This is not ‘fun.’”

A third sniff. Tirek’s teeth, it smelled good.

“It will be.” Luna shrugged with the statement, striding over to help Nagatha with the locks.

“It might not,” Celestia conceded. She settled a hand on Sunset’s shoulder, drawing her in with those warm, attentive eyes. “This is definitely not for everyone. So if you want to quit…”

“I don’t,” Sunset said quickly.

Celestia gave a gentle laugh. “Let me finish! If you do end up quitting, I still insist that you stay at my house. Hunter or no, you need a proper bed and warm meals. You’re–”

“‘A growing girl,’ yeah, yeah.” Sunset chuckled, punching Celestia playfully in the arm. “Seriously, though, I feel good. Took down a murderous psycho. Saved a damsel in distress.”

“Hey!” Twilight protested, grinning. She sat up, rubbing where the chains had pinched her arms. “In a way, I saved you.”

The purple girl yelped as Harshwhinny hauled her to her feet. “Yes, yes, you two are regular Van Helsings. Miss Shimmer, can you escort her out of here? The adults have some zombies to manage.”

“So… vampire hunter?”

“Something like it.” Sunset grinned sheepishly, though kept a wary eye for the restless dead. “Here’s the hole we slipped in through. Uh… take care on the way home. I’ll see you Monday.”

“Wow. This was just a Saturday afternoon for you, huh?” Twilight chuckled, fiddling with the pink streak across her hair.

“Not really.” Sunset returned the laugh. “This was my first day.”

“Ha! Well, would the rookie hunter care to escort me home? I can help you out with the history assignment. Somehow I doubt Miss Harshwhinny lets you off the hook for this.”

Sunset shook her head. “She doesn’t. But I gotta take a rain check.”

The pistol was back in her hands. Heavy. Powerful. It seemed a perfect match for her black leather jacket and wild hair.

Behind her, gunshots and guttural moans broke the graveyard’s air.

“It’s zombie time.”

Damn, I’m sexy. If we were lesbians, this would be my moment of triumph.

Maybe the same thought had hit Twilight, because her grin widened and blushed. “My hero.”

The voice was tinged with knowing sarcasm, but the gratitude remained. Twilight waved, then turned to race the fading sun home. Sunset nodded, gritted her teeth to a fearless grin, and sped back to join the others.

Smoke if you got 'em

“Hey, Gilda.”

“Sunset.”

The gym bathroom, between periods four and five. A dark, mold-smelling place of seclusion as Iron Will left for lunch and physical education closed for business. The pair of students had long-since discovered this little refuge, and shared it quietly for a single purpose: a safe, isolated place to smoke.

“Been a while.” The brown skinned girl shrugged, already halfway through her first cigarette by the time Sunset came in. “Thought you turned over a new leaf or something.”

Sunset gave her own shrug, fumbling through her purse. Strange as it was to say, she missed the company. Gilda had been the closest thing she had to a friend back in the day. They were two different types of high school villain – the thug poser and the school dictator – and so had little to fight over. Sunset couldn’t be intimidated by Gilda, and Gilda was never worth Sunset’s time. It was the once-retained junior who got Sunset into smoking, a habit that had fueled her ego: Sunset Shimmer breaking yet another rule, with not a damn thing anyone could do about it.

She had quit smoking along with bullying some months back, but after the weekend she had she was more than ready to fall off the wagon.

“Ah… crap.” Sunset’s hand reached the bottom of her purse. “I threw them out. Son of a…”

Gilda’s harsh, cawing laughter bounced off the marsh-green walls. She approached, digging fingerless leather gloves into her own purse. “I gotcha. You owe me.”

A black and green carton was produced, with a butt flicked out by a practiced thumb. Grateful, Sunset accepted and lit it off Gilda’s shrinking nub.

Sunset’s eyes closed, anticipating the pleasant hit, then bulged open. A wet, shrill noise like a dying dolphin hacked from her throat, accompanied by smoke, the cigarette, and the better half of a lung. She doubled over, her body doing its level best to cough out the other lung as well.

Gilda was also doubled over, laughing.

“Your face!” The white-haired girl screamed gleefully, clutching her stomach. “You should see your, oh my sides, hee hee…”

“Blarg!” Wet-eyed from coughing, Sunset slowly righted herself as her breath came under control. She looked cross-eyed to her tongue and chewed it fiercely, trying to work out the taste that she imagined most closely resembled a raccoon dipped in battery acid.

Gilda gave a last chuckle. “You get used to them. And they’re made here in Canterlot, so they cost like half as much as other brands.”

She displayed the box to Sunset’s reddened eyes: evil black and green, with ‘Queen Chrysalis’ emblazoned in blue beneath a crown. “Hard to argue with money, you know? Anyway, I’m on my way out. Remember: you still owe me!”

Grinning, Gilda swaggered from the bathroom as Sunset recovered. She slammed three breath mints into her mouth and crushed them, drowning the vile taste in fresh-smelling sugar.

Queen Chrysalis, she thought bitterly. Damn, Gilda, is it really worth saving a buck or two?

Queen Chrysalis.

She paused. That name… she had heard it before. Something from Pony Twilight’s letters…

Right.

The changeling.

The realization made her head snap upwards. Green eyes beheld the mirror, gazing behind her in an illogical burst of paranoia.

So this world has one of her. Her rational, ordered mind fought back against the fear. There were copies of everypony here, so why not Chrysalis? It didn’t mean that this Chrysalis was a changeling – ruling a big tobacco company was evil enough. Changelings don’t exist in this world.

“Like vampires?” Sunset muttered, trapped in her own logic. She knelt slowly and retrieved the extinguished cigarette from the floor – maybe it had a drug, or poison in it. Concealing it in her pocket, she departed with purpose. Fifth period was her study hall. That meant a trip to the library for some internet-assisted research.

Even produced from the school’s ancient printers, the picture was intimidating. A beautiful woman with blue-green hair, black skin, and legs that could rival Celestia’s. She grinned out from the paper, radiating evil confidence and fierce-eyed ambition.

Evil or not, the picture sat ignored on Celestia’s desk. The principal leaned over it with steepled fingers, her eyes glancing between Sunset and the other two in the room: Luna, at her own desk, and Nurse Redheart.

Celestia could tell that Sunset took the perceived threat with deathly seriousness. The young hunter had even confessed to smoking in the restroom to strengthen her case, and surrendered the cigarette for Redheart to test. Learning the unassuming nurse was also a master chemist hadn’t fazed her in the least, a fact Celestia noted with approval. There was more to all of them than met the eye, and Sunset was getting used to it.

Still, Celestia was hardly convinced. She smiled peaceably, but offered the obvious rebuttal. “Thank you for bringing this up. But… we need more than a parallel from your world to go off of. By your logic, I should be a glorious sun-goddess, a thing I most assuredly am not.”

Really? Have you looked at your legs, recently?

Sunset swallowed the snark, instead letting Luna add her own two cents. “A demonic bug monster and a tobacco baron…” Luna’s lips turned upwards in dry wit. “Honestly, that’s a mirror image. I get what you’re saying, but I think this is exactly what Earth’s ‘evil queens’ do.”

“If I’m right, though…” Sunset raised a finger, having come well-prepared with her own arguments. “What if I’m right, and Equestria’s supernatural threats are the same here? We would know who to watch out for, and maybe stop some problems before they start.”

“I saw that movie,” Luna noted. “It was a dystopia flick.”

Sunset shook her head. “I’m not saying we do a drive-by shooting. I’m saying we look into it. If we don’t find anything, fine. Wasted time, the rookie screwed up, etcetera. But if we do find something, we’ll have at least the start of what might be a trend. And that’ll let us predict our enemies, and place one of them in our sights.”

One pale pink finger tapped against the desk, and Celestia turned to Redheart. The quiet, white woman smiled a little in response and straightened her back.

“Did you find anything in the cigarette?”

“Oh, yes.” Redheart nodded, and read aloud from a tiny notebook. “A cocktail of chemicals, many of them poisonous. Acetic acid, ammonia, arsenic, lead, tar, formaldehyde, toluene (which is paint by the way)…”

Sunset brightened at the seeming note of support, but at the end of the list Redheart shook her head. “In short, they’re perfectly ordinary cigarettes.”

“Oh, wow.” Sunset blinked, her eyes going a little wider. “Wow.”

“Regardless, I agree with Sunset.” Celestia stood and turned to the side, pacing a few steps behind her desk. “While I’m certainly skeptical, if there’s a dangerous parallel between our worlds we would be remiss to ignore it. This is the way to find out, before a threat looms too large. One of us will do a stakeout of Miss Chrysalis’ mansion and see what comes up.”

“I’ll do it.” Sunset thrust her hand to the air.

“No.” Celestia turned to look squarely back at her. “You and I will remain here this evening, and have a nice, long discussion about peer pressure, the temptation of drugs, and the dangers of smoking.”

Sunset wilted visibly under the declaration. A few drops of sweat came down her face and she chuckled nervously. “Can’t I just promise to never smoke again, and we’ll skip the talk?”

“No,” Celestia said again, giving a paternal smile that promised hours of well-intentioned torture. “Keep haggling, and we’ll tack on ‘how your body is changing’ to the conversation.”

Luna coughed purposefully as Sunset settled her head into her hands. “Well I’m not going. I’m not killing my evening for a wild goose chase, we’ll have Cranky do it. He’s used to the shit jobs.”

“Because he’s learned to expect the ‘shit jobs.’” Celestia used the phrase distastefully. “Because you keep passing them onto him. No. No Cranky. And definitely no Iron Will. Cheerilee has detention duty today, which leaves… hm, Redheart or Harshwhinny…”

Like the rest of humanity, the ever-calm, ever-pleasant Nurse Redheart was considerably less friendly when no one was watching.

“Oh, Redheart, dearie,” she squeaked, poorly impersonating Celestia’s voice. “I don’t have the BALLS to ask Harshwhinny to do this, and I’m going to be too busy with my sociopath sister and totally-not-daughter. Can you please go freeze to death on a fourth-story rooftop in the middle of a windy October evening to stalk a woman who resembles someone Sunset heard is a bad guy in her weird magic world? Kay-thanks-bye.”

Said woman’s status didn’t improve her mood. Redheart had an easy view over the white privacy fence that masked Chrysalis’ property. An annex to the mansion was made of clear glass, and held a bubbling, heated pool in which the target was lounging.

Near as Redheart could tell, Chrysalis was everything she was supposed to be. She wore a slim black swimsuit that nearly matched her skin, giving the illusion of nudity. The woman sipped wine, leaned against the pool wall with her eyes closed, and… that was it. She was every bit the wealthy businesswoman enjoying a precious few hours of rest.

Redheart gave a jealous shiver. She wore a dull green three-season jacket, but on the windy rooftop it was definitely winter. She hadn’t broken out the gloves and hat yet, leaving her ears freezing within the short red bun. Her hands were busy with the binoculars, also exposing them to the elements.

Chrysalis rose from the pool, yawning and stretching her rubber-like body out to its fullest length. Good. Once that stupid, sexy corporate goddess was inside, Redheart would call it. Nothing to report, of cour–

Pink.

Redheart looked harder, not trusting her vision but not daring to look away. Chrysalis had definitely turned pink.

Redheart chanced a blink, but the sight remained, and it wasn’t just Chrysalis’ skin that was changing. Two-tone purple crept out to overtake the blue hair. The supermodel frame shortened and widened, as did the face. The eyes shimmered from their slit green to a softer teal, marked with slight bags and purple eyeshadow.

It wasn’t a household face, but Redheart recognized it instantly. RichCorp had funded an emergency room for the hospital she used to work at, and she was one of the staff called upon to smile gratefully as the CEO toured his donation. She didn’t much care one way or another about Filthy Rich and his wife…

…But there she was. Pink and snooty as ever, Mrs. Spoiled Rich. Or at least, she was to the casual observer.

Redheart pulled out her phone. Big rule of the job – always let the others know about your weird, important discoveries right away, on the off-chance you got killed on the way home.

[SS was rite bout Chrys. Changeling. I’m bookin]

Group text… sent. She hadn’t even put the phone away before a response came.

[If we’re fighting changlings, I’LL BRING THE MANGLINGS]

She slipped the phone to her pocket and stood up with a grateful sigh. Hands over her chilled ears, she jogged to the fire stairs and descended the building.

…Into a whole heap of trouble.

Six to eight of them on each side, blocking off the alley’s exits. The bastards weren’t even pretending to be normal. All of them white skinned, red haired, green coated… all of them her. Leering as monsters do when they reveal themselves to the prey.

Redheart had a wide-eyed, innocent air about her, a quality she had zero compunction against abusing. Bright blue eyes cast between both groups, and she let out a nervous laugh. “What… what are you?”

“Never you mind,” the closest one purred with a carbon-copy voice. “Now come along quietly and things will go alright. We don’t care for you, just whoever you work for. We’ll let you go when we’ve heard everything.”

Christ, they think I’m an idiot.

Damn it – if Celestia had thought to send backup, I might’ve been able to capture one. As it stands… hm, it’ll be tough, but I think I can…

They drew closer, grinning wider than Redheart ever had in her life.

Actually, screw it.

“You girls… whatevers, should run while you have the chance.” She smirked, reaching inside her jacket. “I’m a nurse.”

Most of them belted out shrill, gleeful laughs at that, including their speaker. She (we’ll call it a she) threw her fingers over her eyes and leaned back, giving an extra yip of humor before righting herself.

The smile vanished as she saw the grenade bounce to her feet. And two more, sailing to the middle of each pack.

And Redheart, standing as though she had never moved. Save for the combat knife in one hand and fourth grenade in the other.

Shrug. “We have pent up anger.”

Author's Note

Smoking is bad for you, kids.

Also, SHOUTOUT TO ALL MAH NURSING PEEEEPS!

Teen Drama Sucks for Everyone Involved

“Chrysalis.”

A word, its context lost in the crowded lunchroom. Nearly destroyed by the bouncing gossip, yet it crossed the tables to reach a certain set of yellow ears.

Sunset’s eyes snapped wide, her mind suddenly far, far away from the Rainbooms’ topic of conversation. The rumored taste of Celestia’s hair… not so interesting, anymore.

“Excuse me,” she mumbled, rising and striding away in a hurry.

“Should’ve peed after math!” Rainbow called out after her. But Sunset’s ears were all forward. Who said the name? Where? Why? Redheart’s report had confirmed her fears, but that left the equally-large question of what to do about it. The hunters knew nothing of Chrysalis’ motives or powers, or how changelings even worked in this world. A blind assault on her mansion would be asking for disaster.

They needed information, which meant any thread on that word was worth a tug.

“Chrysalis.”

There it was again. Over at that table, where Flax Seed was glaring at…

…Aw, nuts.

“Way to sell out to The Man, Flash.”

“Come on,” the blue-haired rocker grumbled. “I sweep ‘The Man’s’ floors. And Queen Chrysalis offers loans for workers who go to college, so that’s really my best bet of nailing down a good job in Canterlot. If we all stay in the city we can keep the band going, and–”

“Flash.”

The boys turned to the speaker: red haired, green-eyed Sunset Shimmer.

She swallowed. Excluding Miss Harshwhinny, there was no one in the school she wanted to talk to less than Flash Sentry. Least of all with a shady matter that needed a lot of trust – a quality in short supply between them.

No choice, though. Lives were on the line. She sighed, forced her eyes to meet his, and said, “We need to talk.”

It had to be a private place. Fortunately, the end of the day brought a mass desertion of the classrooms, and one of them suited the role nicely. Flash seated himself on Mr. Whooves’ desk, perched towards the side. Sunset leaned against the windows, facing him.

Even with what she knew and what she needed… it was hard to start. The two had existed in a state of awkward disengagement since the Fall Formal, pointedly avoiding any direct interaction. There were just too many bad memories between them.

No, not ‘bad memories.’ Her neutral mouth turned to a frown. Too many good memories. Too much time convincing him that I was misunderstood. A victim of rumors. Like a house of cards, blown down when he learned just how right they were.

“I need you to keep a secret.” No sense dancing around the issue. Time was precious.

So was trust. Flash tapped a foot against the desk, regarding her evenly. “The last time you told me that…”

“I know.” I broke Photo Finish’s camera when she dared take pictures of other Spring Fling contestants. Then I banged her hand in a door as punishment… and then, Flash stepped into view.

The day we broke up. And all I can say is, ‘Good for him.’

“Okay, this is pretty hard.” Sunset shrugged. At least Flash seemed as uncomfortable as she was. “So why don’t I trust you first, and tell you some things I don’t want other people to hear. Then you can decide what to do with it.”

He grunted an assent, and Sunset let fly. “Queen Chrysalis Tobacco. Named for its CEO, Miss Katydid Chrysalis.”

Flash settled a chin in his palm, groaning. “Jeez, not you, too… I sweep floors and wash windows. It’s not like I drive to grade schools and hand out cigarettes.”

“No, Flash, this isn’t some moral lecture.” Sunset grimaced, cutting to the chase. “It’s about her. Chrysalis. She’s a changeling.”

“Huh?”

“A creature from Equestria.”

Or from Earth. I don’t really know.

Surprising even herself, the half-truth rolled easily off Sunset’s tongue. She liked to think that she was protecting Flash – he might never sleep again if he learned Earth had its own monsters.

A tiny voice in her mind offered another explanation: Sunset had lied to Flash so many times that it was second nature by now.

Ignoring the musings, she pressed on. “They can take any shape. And ones like Chrysalis are smart enough to mimic anyone. She could be living a dozen different lives, and no one would be the wiser.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s evil.” Flash’s words brought a brief smile to Sunset. Even after his experience with her, he presumed the good in people.

This time, like then, he was wrong. “She’s impersonating the wife of RichCorp’s CEO. I’m not planning on running up and shooting her, but this is shady enough that I want to look into it. And I’m asking for your help with that.”

Right. ‘I’ want to look. No need to tell him about the faculty.

“You… want me to spy for you?” It didn’t come out like an accusation – Flash seemed genuinely curious. “I work in the factory. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen Miss Chrysalis.”

Thoughts of Flash as a spy made Sunset grimace. She’d long since learned he lacked the nerve – and to be honest, the brains – for anything that involved quick thinking or deception. “No, don’t spy or anything. Just keep an eye out, okay? Let me know if you see anything unusual. Given what’s involved, if it seems fishy, it probably is.”

“Roger.” Flash’s wide, boyish eyes looked readily to Sunset. “If that’s all, no problem. You can count on me.”

Then, an effacing smile. “Though I guess you won’t know if I’ve been replaced by a body snatcher.”

This time, Sunset met the gaze easily. She gave a soft laugh and shook her head. “No worries, there. Their queens are the only ones smart enough to mimic personalities. Most changelings are drones, and would blow any impersonation the minute they opened their mouths.”

At least… Equestrian ones would. But on Earth, who knows?

More doubts. But now wasn’t the time. She would do more research this evening.

“Thanks for this, Flash.” Finally, her gaze slid from those soft blue eyes. Flash was as earnest as ever. As much of a Boy Scout as he was three years ago, when Sunset asked him how fingers worked. Here she was, throwing another weird set of things at him, and he was taking it in stride. Like he never changed.

Better still… she had.

“I wish it was about something more pleasant, but I’m glad to talk to you again. I, uh…” Sunset grinned shyly, green eyes slipping to and away. “I hope we can keep talking.”

“Yeah.” She saw Flash’s shoulders move in a shrug. “That’d be cool.”

Then, a sly, joking grin. “Presuming that you’re not a changeling trying to trick me.”

Sunset shook her head. “Like I said: queens and drones. They’re more like a cult than a B-movie.”

Her lips straightened, eyes returning to the side. “Although… I think I’ll write to Pony Twilight. She probably knows more about them than me.”

The smile returned as her gaze drifted back to Flash. “Want me to give a message for you?”

“Hm? Nah.” Flash didn’t get doe-eyed or awkward. He scratched an ear, frowned, and looked away.

His mouth worked a couple times with unspoken words, eyebrows furrowed above. Sunset leaned back against the window and waited for the rest.

A few more tries, and the confession came out. “I mean… the last two visits she didn’t even give me the time of day.” He shrugged, mouth twisting to a wry smile. “That says it all, you know? No sense trying to force it.”

“Oh, Flash.” Sunset took a step closer, meeting his glance with softened eyes. “I’m sorry.”

She meant it, too. Flash was neither brilliant nor brave, and was denser than most. But his heart had always been in the right place, and he followed it when push came to shove. He deserved better than two heartbreaks in a row.

“It’s okay.” He shrugged it off, as all boys try. “It’s not like we were ever really together. And hey – I got friends here.”

He flashed Sunset a grin with those last words – a little unsteady, but still the bright, lopsided Flash Sentry smile. He would be alright.

“You do.” Sunset nodded, beaming back at him. “Right here.”

Flash slid from the desk, letting gravity rather than muscles do the work. Hands behind his head, he gave a casual, “Later,” and turned to stride off.

A thought hit Sunset, and she grinned inside. Go for it, girl.

“Hey, one more thing.”

The internal grin wilted as the blue eyes greeted her once more. Sunset shrunk away from them, discarding everything she had been about to say in favor of a mumbled, “Never mind.”

Sunset rolled her eyes, berating herself as Flash turned back to the door and passed through. Really, girl? You’ve faced down sirens, magic maniacs, and the undead. You fought a vampire and horde of zombies literally last week, and THIS is freaking you out?

Steeled and grim, she followed Flash to the hallway, high boots clicking on the tiled floor.

Quoth the Harshwhinny: put on your big-girl panties!

“Flash!”

He turned again, his friendly expression replaced by curiosity.

Sunset almost aborted once more, but forced herself forwards in the empty hall. “Listen: over the last week, my life’s been turned upside down. Again. I’m in a weird situation, weird things keep happening around me… I, I want some stability. I want something normal, and I…”

She braced and let fly. “I want us to try again. None of the bullshit candlelit dinners and sailboats I used to drag you to, I want to be normal. Grab pizza, watch you practice, and then sneak into an ‘R’ rated movie with you. Forget for a while that being a magic pony from another dimension is *not* the weirdest part of my life and just… you know. Give it a go.”

Flash hesitated – and there was the answer. He would’ve spoken if it was a yes. Or at least he would have smiled, delaying the words until the ‘cool’ ones came to him.

Flash was smiling, but it was a lame, nervous chuckle. He had a bad habit of trying to defuse problems with humor.

“Sorry. I, uh… After two tries, I’m kind of done with dating magic ponies.”

Oh, well. The rejection stung less than Sunset imagined.

At least her good humor was still intact. She pursed her lips, looking at him with mock severity. “Racist.”

Flash’s smile widened – still weak, but at least the ice was broken. “Does it still count as racist if I’ve been burned twice?”

The smile fell, growing softer and more real. “Sunset, hey: I’m sorry. But I’m looking for someone normal, too. Magic and monsters and stuff… that’s not for me. To be honest, I’m gonna be happy to leave it behind when I graduate.”

Sunset breathed a sigh and glanced away. I hope you can.

When she looked back, an extended hand hovered before her.

“Friends?”

She didn’t need to think about it. Sunset grasped the palm, smiling readily. “Friends.”

Things could’ve gone better. But it was alright. She sighed again, waving as Flash departed down the hallway.

“Ouch.”

At the familiar voice, Sunset turned. Applejack and Rainbow stood behind her, having clearly heard the discussion. The former wore an empathetic, uncomfortable frown, while the cyan-skinned speaker had a cheering smile.

“Well, don’t worry about it.” Rainbow gave a dismissive wave. “Plenty of trees in the woods, if you know what I mean.”

Had she been more distraught, Sunset might have been miffed at Rainbow’s brusque attempt at sympathy. As it stood, she shrugged. “Thanks.”

“Aw, c’mere, Sugar.” Sunset blinked as Applejack closed in, wrapping her in a tight hug. The farm girl was normally the least huggy-feely of the Rainbooms, and the quick, unhesitating move brought Sunset’s heart to her mouth. This wasn’t a friendly hug so much as a “smell the apple-scented deodorant as she presses you into her shoulder” hug.

It wasn’t a bad smell, but Sunset had to breathe. And the feel of Applejack’s breasts pushing her own made things just weird enough for her to pull away fast.

“Sorry,” Applejack said quickly, seeming to notice Sunset’s bemused expression. “Ah know what heartache’s like.”

Rainbow snorted, and lowly stretched the word, “Gaaaaaay.”

Applejack shot a glare backwards, and was met with a challenging smirk. The customary expressions of the pair’s rivalry.

“Thanks, AJ, but I’m cool.” Sunset shrugged again, frowning. “And don’t start fighting, okay?”

Maybe it was her tone that stopped them. The morose tinge of a shot-down teenager. One way or another, the challenge dropped and both their attentions returned to her. Rainbow gave a cheeky grin and jerked a thumb away. “Well hey, girl, it’s Friday. Let’s hit the karaoke bar and forget all about him. My treat – I’ve got some leftover birthday money that needs blowing.”

“Hm, nah.” Despite the refusal, Sunset smiled warmly at her. “Thanks for having my back, though. Both of you. But...”

Changelings.

“…I’ve got a big research project I want to get started on.”

“Uh, Earth to Sunset,” Rainbow waved. “It’s Friday.”

At Sunset’s deadpan glare, Rainbow threw up her arms and laughed. “Message received! Just remember: call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay, Dash.”

Applejack lingered as Rainbow departed, green eyes locked on Sunset’s own. She had something to say, though was kind enough to hold it until Rainbow was gone.

“Y’all know we have the same classes, right?”

The now-familiar panicked grin locked on Sunset’s face as Applejack went on in a knowing voice. “So, uh, maybe Ah missed the memo about the research project. What class is it for, again?”

“It’s… extracurricular.” Not exactly a lie, but the hesitation did its damage.

“Consarn it, girl!” Applejack snarled, swiping an angry hand through her straight blonde hair. “Iffin’ you want some alone time, there ain’t no reason to go making up stories for it. Just pony up and tell us where we can stick ourselves! Ah ain’t much for karaoke mahself, you know. Too noisy, and nobody likes mah songs. But damn it, every time Ah see you lie with a straight face like that it corks me something fierce.”

“H-hey, I’m not lying.” Sunset raised her hands, keeping the defensiveness out of her voice. “It’s something for the principals. You know, about magic and stuff.”

Applejack reddened instantly and looked away, giving a glower that was all for herself. “Aw, dang. Ah did it again, running mah mouth ahead of mah brain. Sorry, Sunset. Ten months since that Anon-a-Miss hoodiddy, and Ah ain’t learned a thing.”

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up.” Despite having broken the last contact, now it was Sunset’s turn to pat a shoulder. “A misunderstanding, easily fixed. No harm done.”

“Shoot, you’re the best of us, Sunny.” Applejack gave an embarrassed smile, brushing her fingers to Sunset’s.

“Only because I have such good teachers.” Sunset beamed back.

“Ha! Well, iffin’ you’re up for a little learning today, how ‘bout we head to the farm and do some shootin’ together? Don’t gotta talk much, or think too hard. Just point, click, pow.”

Applejack mimed a gunshot with her forefinger. “Kinda therapeutic, goin’ through the motions of it. If your project won’t keep Ah understand. But you won’t do good with it if you spend the whole evening hung up on Flash and whatever else you’re dealin’ with.”

Initially, Sunset’s lips moved to refuse. She was not ‘hung up’ on Flash, or ‘dealing with’ anything.

Her brain caught up first, though, and reminded her. She was hung up on Flash – or at least, had been before they imperfectly patched things between them. And she was definitely dealing with changes in her life. She confessed as much to Flash, right in front of Applejack, and it was just as true now. The last few weeks had been a whirlwind.

…Yeah. She needed a break.

“I’m in.” Sunset sighed, feeling a bit of tension go out. “You gotta drive me to Miss Celestia’s house afterwards, though.”

“Of course, Sugar.” Applejack beamed, freckles glowing as they caught the light. “I’ll get the truck. It’s a date!”

“Wait, what do you mean d–”

But Applejack was already bounding down the hallway. Sunset shook her head, smiled wryly, and followed, wondering if this would really be less stressful than the work.

*THOOM*

The bottle exploded. Sunset released a husky, happy breath and lowered the muzzle. With now-practiced motion, she cracked open the shotgun and slid in a new shell.

No zombies clawing at her. No Harshwhinny to undercut her. No Luna at the firing range, correcting her with every shot.

Nope. Just her, Applejack, and post after post of cans and bottles being sent to scrap heaven.

And the shotgun, of course. Maybe it was strange to be so at peace here, methodically firing the biggest weapon she had ever held. But it felt nice. Soothing. In a way, the first time she’d relaxed since the Friendship Games. Sunset was an active spirit who didn’t seek idle tranquility, but it wasn’t so bad when it came to her.

*THOOM*

Almost perfect.

Beside her, a revolver fired, neatly knocking off an old bean tin.

Almost perfect.

Applejack hadn’t spoken much, perhaps grasping Sunset’s desire for peaceful rhythm. She had explained the new weapons, of course, but otherwise left Sunset to it save for the odd pointer.

And the odd… other thing.

“So, Sunset: you plannin’ on taking a break from the ol’ dating market, or you stayin’ in?”

Sunset wasn’t here to talk romance. She was here to indulge a newfound appreciation for human weapons and maybe chillax a little. But Applejack needled the subject often enough to get her thinking, a thing she decisively did not feel like doing.

“Nice havin’ you over, Sunset. We should hang out more, jes’ the two of us.”

“Don’t worry too much about Flash. Better to date a friend, you know? Someone who already knows and likes you jes’ fine.”

Sunset had ignored the first few hints. But memories of the hug and Applejack’s use of the D-word crept to mind, and now she wondered.

“So…” Applejack began again, making conversation as natural as a unicorn on Earth. “You can, uh, stay late if you want to. M-maybe we can knock out our homework together or somethin’.”

It was time to ask. “AJ, are you hitting on me?”

A pause. Sunset looked, seeing smoke jet from the pistol as Applejack sent another can spinning to the ground. The blonde girl lowered the gun to eye her handiwork, steady frown on her face.

“Pretty obvious, huh?”

“Yeah,” Sunset admitted. She was now turned fully to the side, but her shooting partner kept her eyes on the targets. “Listen…”

“You ain’t into girls, right?” Another gunshot, and another fallen can.

Sunset only nodded, but Applejack must have caught the gesture from the corner of her eye. “Well Ah ain’t really girly, you know. If you like guys because they got no tits and are tough and gross, Ah got ‘em beat.”

“AJ…”

“Ah know, Ah know, that’s stupid talk.” Still steadfastly avoiding eye contact, Applejack opened her revolver and began to reload. “Ah mean, it’s not like Ah don’t know that you dated Flash for two years. What did Ah think was gonna happen?”

“You okay?” Sunset asked. She had no idea what the right thing to say here was, so she went with her gut.

“Fine,” Applejack said, too quickly and grimly. She snapped the loaded pistol back into place and fired again, glaring over the gunsights.

She offered no more. Another few minutes of wordless shooting passed, lacking even an ounce of its former relaxation. The peripheral awkwardness had now settled between them, robbing Sunset of her meditative peace. She wondered if she screwed up by asking… no. It would have come up sooner or later. Better to nip it in the bud now, before their friendship was damaged.

If it wasn’t already.

Sunset cleared her throat as they walked over to set up new targets. “Hey.”

“Hm?” Applejack’s grunt had no anger, but she still avoided looking at Sunset.

“Uh,” Sunset coughed for time, hoping her unplanned words would heal instead of hurt. “Every teen movie I’ve ever seen says we have to stop being friends because of this. Can we skip that?”

Applejack barked a laugh and finally looked to her. The bright green eyes were soft, and not uninjured. But the freckled face was turned upwards with the tenacious, open-hearted cheer that had always marked the girl. “Sure as sugar, Sugar. This all never happened.”

That wasn’t right. “No,” Sunset said. “It did. And we’re still friends, so come here.”

The two locked into a tight hug, which ended abruptly as Applejack took advantage to give Sunset a noogie. Laughing and sputtered protests, Sunset ducked away.

“Same old, same old.” Applejack seemed to say the words more to herself than Sunset. The distant eyes refocused, smiling back to her shooting partner. “One more fence, or done for the day?”

“One more fence.”

The end of the evening had been the best part. With the air cleared, Sunset was able to get back into her rhythm and pass a nice, peaceful hour blowing holes in Applejack’s junk. The ride home had been filled with the farm girl’s usual gossip, and it was dusk by the time they reached Celestia’s house.

A wave, a final hug – that was admittedly awkward with them both in seatbelts – and Sunset jumped out. With a cheerful “See you Monday!” Applejack eased off the brakes and sped her family pickup away.

Sunset rolled her shoulders, only now feeling the awful ache coming into them after firing the shotgun so many times. “Ugh, I’m gonna feel this in the morning.”

Changelings.

“Not that ‘morning’ is coming any time soon.” She shrugged, wincing as even that pinched the abused muscle. “I have to research Chrysalis, write Princess Twilight, see if humans have changeling myths… yeesh. I wonder if the principals even bother with this kind of thing? I haven’t seen any tomes or files or any–”

The door slammed open, jolting her from the train of thought. Celestia was stepping out even before it opened all the way, and closed it with violent speed. While her trademark purple slacks were still on, her blouse and coat had been traded for a white button-down shirt, with occupied holsters at her hip and armpit.

A third holster was in her hand, though a second later she tossed it to Sunset. Sunset bobbled her pistol, barely grabbing it before Celestia seized her arm and hustled towards the curb.

As they set foot on the sidewalk, a blue SUV screeched alongside. Celestia snapped open the back door, pushed Sunset inside, and followed, squishing against her. The door hadn’t even closed while she shouted, “We’re in, go, go!”

Obediently the car squealed forwards, knocking the entangled pair around. Sunset briefly saw Miss Cheerilee and Mister Doodle in the front two seats before Celestia’s hair collapsed over her. Some even got in her mouth, and contrary to school rumor it did not…

…Actually, it did taste like cotton candy. But that was neither here nor there.

“What the hell is going on!?”

The world didn’t stop for Sunset’s scream. The car lurched with a two-wheel turn, sending her and Celestia crashing into the left door.

“Two minutes before we hit Everfree!” Cheerilee shouted from behind the wheel. “Everyone, get ready!”

“Ready for what!?”

“There’s no time to explain!” Cheerilee shot back.

“Same as before, Sunset.” Even Celestia’s eternally-calm voice was frayed. “There are bad guys threatening innocents, we’re going to stop them. I’m sorry, we do not have the luxury of time.”

“An emergency, got it.” Sunset managed to remove herself from Celestia and fit her seat-belt in place. “I just wasn’t expecting this. You don’t have to apologize.”

Celestia smiled and patted her arm, setting a warm glow in Sunset’s heart. “I’m proud of you. And just like last time, you won’t face this alone.”

Sunset nodded, and turned her head to the window. Cheerilee’s breakneck pace had already brought the old woods next to Canterlot into sight. The Everfree Forest… Sunset had never even been there. It looked dark and sinister in the dusk light. Dank, moss-ridden trees seemed to have grown up in a hurricane, so twisted and thick they were. They stretched out for miles, swallowing the horizon as the car drew near.

With the initial shock gone, Sunset wasn’t even afraid. She had friends. She had weapons. And hey, she had fought monsters before. She could do this.

A cocky grin tore across her face. And it remained as they came to the road’s end, and left the SUV.

“Ready?” Cranky asked in his grumbling voice, looking right at Sunset.

“Ready.” She didn’t even blink.

“Good.” He gestured with his rifle, and the four hunters advanced into the darkened forest. Three with looks of determination… and one with quizzical eyes turned to Sunset.

Still, the eyes quickly turned away. Cheerilee offered her question as an afterthought, paying more attention to the darkness than the answer.

“Hey, Sunset. You’re not scared of spiders, right?”

Author's Note

Sorry for the slow chapter. "Slice of Life," and all. In compensation, here's a line from the next one:

"Why do they call them, 'Horse-Eater Spiders?'"

Majestic like an Effing Unicorn

There hadn’t been time for a plan. Celestia blamed herself – she’d known for weeks the horse-eater spiders were planning something. But by the time the pieces fell into place, there was barely time to intervene.

“Why do they call them ‘horse-eaters?’” the nervous Sunset had asked.

Celestia’s blackened lips turned a smile. No sooner had the question been asked than one crashed into their midst, giving a decisive answer.

Sunset had hung in, though. She fought back grimly, toughly, and even jumped on one’s back with a switchblade knife. Wading in with them all the way to the unhallowed ground, where the virgin sacrifices had been cocooned.

The spiders sought to resurrect their twelve-breasted fertility goddess to create a million young – numbers huge enough to overrun the city. The hunters, of course, were there to stop them. A goal that had been coming well enough along until one spider got a good bite on Celestia’s shoulder and hurled her from the battle. She supposed she was lucky to not have been splattered on a tree.

Such had been the only bit of luck to come her way. A tree didn’t find her, but a ridgeline did, sending her tumbling down across rocks, roots, and brambles before coming to a stop. The wound tore open even wider, but her arm felt icy and numb. A dazed glance showed that it wasn’t even bleeding. Instead, thick black veins bulged out from it, forcing the spider’s poison down into her chest.

She could feel it – freezing her, slowing her. Horse-eaters had a paralytic venom in their fangs. She would live… if not for the outside factors. Even if the rest of them beat the spiders, there was plenty else in the Everfree Forest that would be happy to make a meal out of her.

As if timed to the thought, bushes rustled just out of sight. Something was definitely near, and was definitely creeping closer.

Celestia managed to sit up and reach for her fallen gun. But no matter how much she willed it, the numb fingers refused to obey. They were white, almost blue at their tips, and would not even twitch at her command.

The left arm worked better. She lunged it towards the weapon, smiling breathlessly as her forefinger closed around the trigger.

A familiar, foreign voice preceded its owner.

“The hunter, parted from her band,
Perhaps she needs a helping hand?”

Celestia breathed out, savoring even the temporary relief the announcement brought. Whatever else happened this day, at least she wouldn’t be eaten in the next five minutes.

Probably. With the Woman of the Woods, it was hard to say.

She stepped into view, an anachronism to Celestia’s modern senses. Barefoot and bald, clad in zebra hide with gold hoops wrapped around her ankles, wrists, and neck. Brown-skinned fingers held a staff made from a strange purple wood, and sea-green eyes beheld Celestia as they always did – with the judging intensity of an accuser on the stand.

“Zecora!” Celestia meant to say the name evenly, but it came out fearful and quick. “Help me up. People are in trouble!”

She met the shaman’s gaze, hoping without cause that Zecora would prove willing. The Everfree-dwelling woman was neither a friend nor ally of the hunters, instead playing her own angle to her own ends. At best, she would offer cryptic hints about whatever monster they tracked – hints that would have saved a lot of blood, sweat, and tears had they been packaged without the puzzle. More often than not she would merely observe their life-or-death struggles among her trees, irking the other faculty members to no end. Celestia was the only one of them who remained kindly to Zecora, and even that was more habitual politeness than any warmth of feeling.

“Help you need – that, I surmise.
But you alone must stand and rise.”

Even ingrained politeness had its limits. Celestia brushed hers, biting back her angered retort for a more desperate plea. “Zecora, please just give me a hand. I won’t ask you to interfere in our fight, but I want your help getting up.”

The woman came to stand just out of Celestia’s reach, her gaze inscrutable.

“‘A hand,’ you ask, from me to you.
But in your state, what can you do?”

“I can still fight,” Celestia said. She numbly began to lift the gun from the ground, but paused as the wooden staff settled on the barrel.

The woman’s masculine, but melodic voice gave a soft laugh.

“Think, my friend, you surely know:
Return will only aid your foe.
A stumbling, poisoned, virgin mother
Can’t guard herself – let alone others!”

“Well I can’t just wait,” Celestia snapped, her patience at an end. “I have to do something!”

Then, as an afterthought: “And I am not Sunset’s mother!”

“More than ‘a hand,’ you need some aid.
Your blood and flesh to be remade.
This can be done, by a friend of mine
For a favor to be repaid in kind.”

A favor? Celestia wondered, gritting her teeth against the chill numbness. Of course. With Zecora, there’s always a catch.

No choice, though. “Fine,” she grunted, weakly raising her dead right arm. “Help me up, and I’ll hear out this ‘favor.’”

Zecora scoffed gently.

“Even a fawn stands, or else lands on its tush.
Come, come! I thought you were in a rush?”

Celestia withheld her jab at the imperfect rhyme, instead focusing stoically on the task. She wasn’t paralyzed yet, but her body had completely lost feeling. Not even the tingle of numb touch remained, leaving her with only sight to guide her limbs. The bending and rising of her legs proved a slow, careful process, though one they proved mercifully capable of.

She tumbled back to the ground with the first step, tasting leaves and still more frustration with her host. But at least it was easier to rise the second time, and easy enough to take a few wobbly steps forward so long as she watched every move.

With the third step, she turned her head up with a weak smile. The only acknowledgement Zecora gave was to turn, beckon for Celestia to follow, and begin striding swiftly through the underbrush.

Celestia tried to keep pace, which promptly resulted in another fall. Grunting, sputtering, and desperately trying to think happy thoughts, she hauled herself upwards and began hobbling in Zecora’s wake.

Five minutes, three face-falls, and one embarrassing encounter with a perfectly normal tarantula later, Celestia caught up. Zecora had stopped at a small clearing that formed a paradise within the Everfree. Though surrounded by hostile brambles and rotting trees, here flowers bloomed around a crystal pond. The place seemed young and alive, free of stagnation in the water, and with soft green grass in the midst of dry October.

Wounded though she was, Celestia could appreciate it. This was a place of peace, and she smiled benignly even as she saw the huge, bloodied form that Zecora knelt over.

A unicorn. Celestia watched as it raised its head, turning bright eyes upon her as she stepped closer.

Sunset had once sketched the principal a few pictures of her world’s unicorns, and Celestia knew at a glance that this was not one of them. It was a creature of Earth, or perhaps a third realm unknown to either. This unicorn was not small, big-eyed and cute. Even recumbent, its raised head equaled Celestia’s in height. The grey hair was shaggy and mangy, the eyes feral and unspeaking.

It snorted meaningfully at Celestia, and snapped a jaw large enough to tear off her head. But it did not rise. Celestia could see buckshot holes in its tremendous side, with bloodstains that had hardened to black.

The thing was not cute. It was wounded, unkempt, and frighteningly huge. It snapped again at her, and she ceased her advance.

Still, curiosity – and memories of her six-year-old self dreaming of unicorns – bid her ask. “Unicorns? In Everfree?”

The grey-coated beast did not stare or snap at Zecora. She ran fingers over its ears, murmuring a few whispers before responding.

“Wrong your words have thus far run,
Implying there are more than one.
He is alone, ‘neath sun and moon.
The rest destroyed, for their horn’s boon.”

“‘He?’” Celestia blurted.

At Zecora’s glance, she fumbled. “I mean… no reason why not. Just unicorns have always been… you know, seen as feminine and…”

Red faced, she closed her eyes. “Please go on before I embarrass myself more.”

Fortunately, Zecora obliged without comment. Celestia wondered if it was just not worth it to find a rhyme for ‘dumb-ass.’

“Their horns, when powdered and then ate
Bought seven years from Death’s cruel hate.
A happy prize for many fools
Who sought to cheat old age’s rules.”

A strange look, on Zecora’s face. Full of sympathy she so rarely showed to her fellow man, as she gently scratched the unicorn’s neck.

“The quarry’s gone. The gems are mined.
Here is the last of his kind.
Strength he needs, his wounds to heal.
And yours as well – there lies the deal.”

Celestia watched those bright, ancient eyes, and spoke as a whisper. “What can I do?”

“Your virgin’s blood has mystic might,
Bleed on the horn, and set things right!”

The spell broke. Celestia scowled. Is everything in this world fueled by virgin blood?

Zecora returned her nonplussed stare indifferently. But Celestia’s gaze softened, and her mouth turned to a sad smile as she looked to the unicorn.

Seeing beyond the fearsome appearance… she had been wrong to think it a beast. The bright eyes were sad, now that she looked at them. They were grey and wide, and appraised her quietly without judgement. Eyes that had seen so much that all they had left to hope for was a better life, and empty future.

Maybe such thoughts were just her imagination. But really, that had never stopped Celestia before.

She approached. The jaws were as big as ever. The horn was hard and sharp enough to impale her easily, the hooves heavy enough to crush her every bone. A sudden move on the part of this alien, monstrous creature, and that would have been that.

It closed its eyes.

And blinked them open as Celestia wrapped her frozen arms around its neck. She settled her head across its mane and nuzzled it like a horse.

“You poor baby,” she murmured, neither knowing nor caring how old it actually was. “You’ve been through a lot. But it’ll be alright.”

Quietly, she whispered in its ear. “You’re not the last. There are other unicorns. I’ll show you. But first…”

Her right hand rose, stretching its palm above the long, vicious horn.

“…Take what you need.”

She did not scrape, or prick. She pressed, and kept pressing until her fingers brushed its head.

All at once, feeling flowed into the hand. That feeling was pain – and Celestia screamed. She closed her eyes and shook violently, making the probably-ghastly wound even worse. It felt like her hand had split open, and she wondered if it did.

Only dimly did she notice feeling return to the rest of her body, and the white glow surrounding them. And she definitely didn’t see Zecora pinch the bridge of her nose.

“A pinprick would have been enough.” Zecora sighed, and smiled ruefully to the unicorn. “I told you – her heart’s made of candy and fluff.”

The unicorn slid its horn from Celestia’s hand. She didn’t acknowledge the gesture, or the light shimmering around the wound. She just collapsed on its back, panting and groaning.

Celestia rose. The unicorn rose alongside, lending its massive frame to support her. It’s what the principal saw when she opened her eyes – the shaggy grey side, solid and muscular without a trace of injury.

She was also changed. Blinking away sunspots, Celestia saw that the festering bite was gone. Her limbs had returned to their healthy pink – if a fair bit paler than normal – and the myriad bruises and scrapes she suffered on the way here were no more. Somehow, even the shirt was knitted whole, and bleached clean.

No time to appreciate it. She gave one, grateful stroke of the unicorn’s coarse hair, and pushed away.

She took stock – one pistol was still in her grasp, good. The once-numb fingers hadn’t even been able to drop it. The other gun was still safely in her hip holster.

Celestia ejected the half-spent clip of the first and began squeezing in bullets. “Zecora,” she said, not looking up from the task. “I know it wasn’t technically part of our bargain, but can you guide me back? The others need meAIE!”

She hadn’t seen the unicorn bend its head, or thread the horn between her legs. With a gentle, but abrupt motion it pressed its head forward and brought the neck up beneath Celestia, setting her atop it with an undignified squeal.

Celestia slid down to the shoulders, blinking and stuttering as Zecora laughed.

“You’ve made a friend…” the shaman paused, and flashed a white-toothed grin. “Perhaps… two. Now show the spiders what you can do!”

“Wait, I don’t know how to ride!” Celestia protested, grabbing the mane for dear life.

Only more laughter greeted her as the unicorn burst into a gallop.

“You two shall make a glorious team,
Just hold on tight – and try not to scream!”

Luna hadn’t been there to fight the horse-eaters. She drew the short straw, and so got stuck with the crummier job: parent-principal conferences.

Celestia hadn’t come home yet, but she texted a short summary of the battle: virgins saved, spiders foiled, all good. The older sister would be home in an hour, now on an errand for iron supplements and something for motion sickness.

She had yet to respond to Luna’s text enquiring the names of the would-be sacrifices. Fortunately, Sunset had come home in an extremely chatty mood. She readily shared that the rescued virgins were Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Miss Harshwhinny, a fact that gave them both a bit of mean-spirited glee.

The excited, chattering Sunset had told the whole story, up to and including its climax. Then, unable to contain her giddiness, she retold the last part again.

And again.

“Cranky was out of ammo, and was keeping one at bay with his bayonet!” Standing on the couch in disheveled pajamas, Sunset acted out the scene with Luna’s oversized stuffed Pikachu as a prop. “Cheerilee was on her back, grabbing the mandibles of the one trying to eat her. Things looked bad. But guess what happened?”

“You told me.” Luna kept her eyes fixed on the screen. Dead Space 5: 4 2 Many was hardly the best game, but if her hands were busy with the controller they wouldn’t throttle Sunset.

Sunset answered her own question, as she had the last two times. “Suddenly – a white glow, and Celestia! Riding a unicorn, and the first thing she did was trample the spider attacking Cheerilee. With a gun in each hand, shooting, killing spiders with each shot! With her beautiful hair trailing behind her – did you know it tastes like cotton candy? Anyway, she was riding a unicorn, and it was majestic, and she was glowing, and the spiders were all, ‘Stop her! We need to resurrect our gross fertility goddess and take over the world!’ and she was all, ‘Bitch, I’m Celestia!’ Except she doesn’t swear, and she was too busy screaming a battle cry like the earth pony amazon queens of old!”

“She was probably just screaming,” Luna ground out around her teeth.

Dizzy from her enthused spinning, Sunset collapsed to the couch and unleashed a high-pitched squeal. She clutched the stuffed toy to her chest, beaming and pedaling her legs into the air.

“And Harshwhinny was all, ‘Miss Shimmer, you’re holding the knife wrong,’ and Dash was all, ‘Only a miracle can save us now,’ and BAM! Celestia! On a unicorn, that just shit-kicked every spider it saw! And there were guns! And hair! And she was glowing! Oh-em-GEE, she is the coolest principal ever!”

Luna paused her game. And closed her eyes.

“I can’t believe her! She is so nice and forgiving on the one hand, and on the other? Monster-killing bad-ass! You are SO lucky to have such an awesome sister!”

A deep, deep breath in.

A long breath out.

Luna’s eyes opened. “Yes,” she said, without the slightest hostility. “Yes I am.”

She released a low sigh as Sunset rambled on. Luna stood, plugged headphones into the television, and returned to her seat, sighing happily as the game’s music filled her ears. She cranked up the volume until Sunset’s jabbering became inaudible, and resumed her play.

Author's Note

Principal Celestial, riding to battle on a unicorn whilst dual-wielding pistols...

Okay, firstly, this fic has earned itself a 'random' tag. Second, I want that action figure.

Also, thanks to all y'all who have seen fit to grace me with (sensible) comments. ~~Ego-stroking~~ constructive feedback is always a nice thing to have. :twilightblush:

Midnight Oil

Monstrous voices and sights faded to darkness. Ragged breaths beat dryly through the air, a name on their lips. Purple eyes shot open, wildly scanning the room for the horrors her sleeping, animal mind felt certain loomed just out of sight.

Five, then ten seconds passed before the mind caught up with the woken body. Just a nightmare. Again.

Celestia did her level best to sigh, but with her adrenaline still coursing it came out a quickened gasp. She shivered a little in the sweat-damp sheets, and looked to the clock. One in the morning. At least it was Sunday.

She’d done this dance often enough to learn the routine. No use trying to go back to sleep with the heart still hammering, and the memories still fresh. Celestia rolled from the bed, groaning as her lanky frame stretched to the floor. She quickly changed to a fresh pair of sleep clothes – different pajama pants, a robe, and an old tie-dye shirt – and kicked her feet into some flip-flops.

Celestia smiled at her slumbering roommate. “I’ll be in the living room. Goodnight, Luna.”

No response came, with Luna asleep behind her glare. The younger sister slept like that even as a baby, and Celestia had long-since ceased to think it odd. She kissed her forefinger, tapped it to Luna’s cheek, and padded quietly to the hallway.

She pushed open the door, blinking and frowning as light greeted her eyes. The living room lamp was on, accompanied by the steady, unmistakable clatter of fingers on their desktop’s keyboard.

Her voice went out ahead of her steps. “Sunset, it’s one o’clock.”

“It’s not a school night!”

Sure enough, entering the living room brought the yellow teen into sight. Her bed was unfolded, but abandoned, with her skinny rump planted on their computer chair. She didn’t even look up from her browser, opened to a dozen news articles on Queen Chrysalis Tobacco.

The counter-argument did not impress Celestia. “Young lady…”

“I know what you’re going to say, but hear me out.” Sunset clicked on another page, taking her to the story of the German Doppelganger. “With this Chrysalis thing, we’re completely blind. We don’t know what Earth’s changelings can do. We don’t even know if these are Earth’s changelings. Pony Twilight said their Queen Chrysalis has disappeared, so maybe this one’s her. It would make sense – with mankind clueless, there’d be no one to get in her way. But on the other hand, what if this is Earth’s Chrysalis, and she isn’t hostile? I know her changelings attacked Redheart, but she was spying on them so maybe they were just defending their secret. If they’re not doing anything really bad, I’d be a lot less happy about the idea of blowing holes in their queen. And then there’s the issue of–”

“These questions will keep until morning,” Celestia said tersely. “Bed. Now.”

Sunset shook her head, gaze still on the screen. “If I don’t get at least some answers, I’ll be up all night anyway worrying about it.”

Celestia knew the feeling. She compromised, but only because it wasn’t a school night. “Fine, one more hour. Then bed.”

A few clicks carried Sunset to another wall of text. Her eyes remained forward, though they rolled in her voice. “Okay, Mom.”

“Don’t you start with that,” Celestia chided. Too tired to argue, she passed on into the kitchen. A little warm milk sometimes helped – one minute at the microwave provided her with a steaming mug. She took it back to the living room and settled it on an end table.

“Do you mind if I turn on some music?” she asked.

“Uh, no, go ahead.” The incessant clatter of the keyboard stopped, and Sunset finally looked to Celestia. “Are you okay?”

Celestia gave a wan smile as she turned on the CD player. “Fine. Just… trouble sleeping.”

“Night terrors?”

That brought a startle. Celestia turned swiftly, and Sunset flinched.

“Luna told me,” the girl admitted. “They started after... something bad happened. B-but she said they got better.”

“Better? Yes. Very much so.” Celestia frowned – that had been rough, back before Luna moved in. Months of caffeine pills and coffee as her own sleep betrayed her.

But such trials had ended a long time ago. She sat down on her easy chair and took a sip from the mug. “They still hit me every once in a while. As you can see, I have my routine for how to make do.”

Sunset turned fully from her work, giving Celestia her attention. “Why not just go back to sleep?”

Another sip. Celestia used it to try to hide her tremble, but Sunset was sharp. She scooched her chair a little closer, eyes full of worry.

There was no reason to hide the truth. “It’s not that easy, Sunset. It’s… like it’s waiting for me. If I go to sleep, the nightmare will just pick up where it left off.”

Another tremble. Celestia closed her eyes, still vividly recalling the horrors that chased her from her rest. Funny, that in all her years of monster hunting, the only things that truly terrified her came from her own slumbering imagination.

When she opened her eyes, Sunset had grown closer still. Her yellow face was marked with exhaustion, but also a tender concern that brought back Celestia’s smile. It was… nice to be cared for.

“I’ll be fine.” They were close enough now that Celestia reached out and patted the girl’s hand. “After so many times, it’s become merely a nuisance. I have my snack, I have my music, and I’ll just relax the rest of the night.”

She closed her eyes, smiling softly as her music began to play. Luna called it, “Old-people music,” Harshwhinny and Cranky agreed it was “Hippie bullshit”... but they were Celestia’s songs. She’d grown up listening to them, and never grew out.

“For I'm going to try for the sun…”

An old, familiar tune, given extra percussion as Sunset resumed her typing. The combination was a pleasing one. A little bit of imperfection to the pristine, memorized song. A reminder that Celestia wasn’t alone this dreadful night.

She leaned back into the chair with a sigh, breathing in warm vapors from the milk and letting the music carry her away.

“Hello Darkness, my old friend…”

Two o’clock. Then, two-fifteen. Maybe Celestia wasn’t paying attention to the clock. Still manically focused on her work, Sunset ignored the negotiated bedtime and pressed on.

It seemed only a moment had passed when the computer’s clock ticked over to three in the morning. Sunset smirked a little, guessing the truth as she wheeled around in her chair. Celestia, still in her recliner, was fast asleep.

But the smirk died with her second look. Celestia’s shoulders moved up and down with fast, uneven breaths. Trembling hands held the hem of her shirt tightly, and her whole body seemed in a tense, guarded position. Her chin pressed to her chest, letting the tears drip down from tight-closed eyes.

“Miss Celestia?” In an instant, the changeling research left Sunset’s mind. She stepped over to the sleeping form and gently reached out. “Um… Celestia?”

“Luna,” the unconscious principal breathed. “Luna, I’m sorry.”

She kept mumbling the name, twitching and sobbing. Sunset tried again. “Miss Celestia, it’s just a nightmare.”

Sunset blinked, and felt tears in her own eyes. It was awful to see Celestia like this. Vulnerable and weak. Awake, the principal was strong and in control. And sometimes, like yesterday, she was a total badass. But here…

“What happened?” Sunset asked softly. “What did this to you? You don’t deserve it. You–”

“Luna,” Celestia groaned again.

They were both skinny enough for Sunset to slip onto the chair. She did so, and wrapped Celestia in a hug. “Luna’s fine.”

Gently, she rocked Celestia back and forth. “She’s in the other room. She’s safe and sound, sleeping with her eyes open like the weirdo she is.”

One of Sunset’s hands slipped down and worked its way into Celestia’s grip. “You’re both at your house. You’re both safe. And… Sunset’s here with you, and she’s safe, too. Everything’s alright.”

“Um… can you hear me?”

Celestia didn’t answer. But her weeping and mumbling had stopped. Her body relaxed, causing her head to roll uncomfortably to the side. With no pillows in reach, Sunset snuck her head beneath Celestia’s, giving it a resting spot while her own lay on the bony shoulder. Not exactly comfortable… but it felt good. A warm body in the crisp autumn night.

As she felt her own blinks grow heavy, Sunset gave the shoulder a kiss. “Good night, Miss Celestia.”

The music shifted to a new, peppier song. But at this time of the night, nothing could keep Sunset awake. She drifted off as it played softly through the room, a smile on her own and her mentor’s face.

“Lay your weary head to rest,
Don’t you cry no more…”

Author's Note

Look at that clever Dan, all referencing his other works and such. What a sneaky bitch.

And no, this fic isn't about to get sad. That shit's in the past. We've got undead to kill.

Mondays are Harsh

Some would call Nagatha Harshwhinny an impatient woman. Some would also call her tactless and brusque. Most would skip ahead to less polite descriptors, sometimes while she was still in the room.

That was alright. Harshwhinny made a point of discounting the opinions of idiots, and they made up most of the critics. She had plenty of tact, thank you very much, she was just selective of when to use it. “Tact,” after all, was little more than polite lying, and as such was less productive than hard honesty. Enabling feel-goods didn’t spark self-improvement. Constructive criticism did, and if the recipient couldn’t accept it, that was their own loss.

Despite such beliefs, she was only human. When a person found a soft spot in her granite heart, Harshwhinny would mind her tongue for them. She considered it a weakness, wondering if the rare friend suffered from the lack of honest feedback. But she could never bring herself to redress the issue.

“Ready?” The taller principal asked.

“Of course,” Harshwhinny responded. They slipped out the gym door and began walking to her car.

Celestia, as it happened, inhabited one of the aforementioned soft spots. In a world full of complaints and excuses, she did neither while enduring a thousand reasons for both. Her full-time position as principal supported what was effectively a second job leading the hunters, cutting into both her free time and income. And now Celestia was taking care of Sunset, in addition to her brat of a sister. And she did it all with a smile.

She did it all competently, too, which earned Harshwhinny’s tact.

“I talked with Redheart today.” Celestia broached conversation without preamble.

Harshwhinny made an indifferent noise. She didn’t like Redheart – the nurse was polar opposite to herself, smiling at everyone while loathing most of them.

“She gave me a list.” Celestia gestured with her hands, frowning. “Kinds of doctors Sunset should see. Dentist, eye doctor, gynecologist, and how often she should see them.”

Harshwhinny had nothing to add, so she said nothing, and Celestia went on. “But why me? I don’t like how everyone’s presumed I’m adopting her. I feel like I’m being pressured into it.”

A rare wince struck Nagatha’s face. Tact or no, she wasn’t good with this kind of thing.

She could try, at least. “I don’t think you’re being ‘pressured.’ That word implies you’re being judged, or graded. They’re just concluding things based on what they see. If they’re wrong, ignore them. I make a point of ignoring incorrect opinions, and I’m happier for it.”

“But you’re not the leader!” Celestia… whined. Harshwhinny had no other word for it. “They’ll think I’m second-guessing myself. And what’s going to happen if Sunset starts believing it? She called me ‘Mom’ as a joke the other night, but what if she’s building up expectation? What if she starts thinking of me as her mother? She’ll be crushed!”

“Then she will learn an important lesson about imposing her desires on others.” Harshwhinny was content to bend an ear for Celestia, but really, the woman fretted the silliest things. “You did specifically tell her you weren’t adopting, right?”

“Well, yes, but–”

“Then if she ignores you, it’s her own fault. Now get your head in the game.”

Harshwhinny’s car was a purple, lovingly-maintained sedan from multiple decades ago. Celestia slowed as they approached, noticing and then flagging down a familiar redhead.

“Sunset!”

Sunset beamed when she saw who called. She jogged towards them with the pent-up energy of every student after Monday’s last bell. “Hi, Miss Celestia!”

Her pace slowed and smile strained as she noticed the other. “H-hi, Miss Harshwhinny.”

If she saw the hesitation, Celestia gave no sign. She walked forward to meet the girl halfway, already speaking. “Listen, we need to… what’s on your face?”

“Oh.” Sunset ran a finger across the brown splotch on her cheek. “Pinkie gave me a triple-fudge cupcake, I guess some got on.”

Celestia was already in motion. “Here,” she said briskly, producing a handkerchief. Sunset reached a hand to accept, but instead Celestia wetted it with her tongue and began scrubbing at the stain. Sunset offered surprised protest, but obligingly remained still for the work.

Harshwhinny held her comment, and once more congratulated herself on being, in fact, a very tactful woman.

“There.” The job done, Celestia nodded. “Anyway, I wanted to ask: do you have plans for Wednesday?”

“Uh, no,” Sunset said. “Tonight, yes, but Wednesday I’m clear.”

“Oh, what are you doing tonight?”

“Just hanging with the girls at the arcade.” Sunset played with her fingers and looked away. “I mean, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course it is.” Celestia unzipped her purse. “Do you need money?”

“N-no, I’m good.”

“Here. Just be home by nine.”

Celestia pressed a twenty into Sunset’s fingers. The yellow teen blinked at the money before pocketing it, chuckling bashfully. “Thanks. What’s going on Wednesday? Vampires? Muck monsters?”

“I signed you up for driving school.” Celestia rose a finger, entering lecture-mode. “It’s an important skill to have in this day and age, even if you don’t end up owning a car. You never know when you might need to be the designated driver, or tag in and out on a long trip.”

Sunset smiled hesitantly. “Thanks, but you’re already doing a lot for me with the food and board. Don’t those lessons cost money?”

“No,” Celestia said.

Yes. Harshwhinny crossed her arms and looked away.

Celestia wasn’t done, either. “Also, just to let you know, I’ll be making some doctor appointments for you. There are specialists a girl your age should see; we’ll talk more about that later.”

“Miss Celestia, I can’t ask you to pay for–”

“Ah-ah!” Celestia’s hand straightened upwards in a ‘stop’ motion. “Sunset, do not worry about the money. Your health is important. We will make and keep these appointments, and I will not hear any debate.”

“Heh. Got it.” Sunset grinned, blushing thoroughly. “So, uh, where are you guys going? Parent meeting?”

“Of sorts,” Celestia said with a thin smile. “We’ve tracked down a ghast colony to an old warehouse. They burn up in the light, so if we hit them before the sun sets they’ll have nowhere to run.”

“Which means we have little time,” Harshwhinny noted.

Celestia winced at the unspoken reprimand. “Ah, yes. I’ll see you later, Sunset. Although… you’re welcome to join us if you like.”

“She has plans,” Harshwhinny said stiffly, and fixed Sunset with an uncompromising glare.

Much as Harshwhinny disliked her, at least the girl could take a hint. She laughed nervously and adjusted the backpack on her shoulders. “Yeah, I do got plans. Rain check, though. I’ll see you tonight, Miss Celestia.”

Two minutes into the drive, Celestia spoke. “I wish you would be nicer to her.”

“I was nice,” Harshwhinny parried, eyes on the road. A glance to the passenger side showed the principal looking back with pursed lips.

“Don’t think I didn’t see you, back there. She might’ve come along if you hadn’t given your Nagatha Death Glare.”

“We don’t need the help.” Harshwhinny shrugged. “They’re ghasts, for heavens’ sake. They’re so easy that even Whooves’ inventions are effective.”

Harshwhinny’s eye twitched at the mention of the name. Professor Whooves, the group’s scientist, had a poor track record of practical inventions. Even the tools sitting in the back seat – oversized flashlights with pistol grips and ghast-burning brightness – were honestly no more effective than just shooting the creatures. Or blowing up the warehouse, but that was more Redheart’s alley.

Celestia was always quick to defend Whooves, but today she wouldn’t be sidetracked. “It’s not about ‘needing’ the help. It’s about making Sunset feel welcome.”

“You seem to have that covered,” Harshwhinny said.

“Nagatha–”

“I tolerate her, Miss Celestia. And even that’s for your sake, not hers.”

“Why don’t you like her?”

“Do I have to pick a reason?” Harshwhinny didn’t even try to hide the acid in her voice.

Celestia pinched the bridge of her nose. “Okay, let’s try this: why are you abnormally hostile to her? Is this about the Fall Formal?”

Harshwhinny ground her teeth. “Is this about the time she turned into a demon, possessed us all, turned some students into imps, tried to murder other students, and ultimately planned to send us to her home world to die in a war of blood-soaked conquest?”

She let a brief pause sink in before answering. “YES, this is about that! We don’t adopt creatures like that, we murder them!”

“She apologized,” Celestia offered, drawing a snort from Harshwhinny.

“Oh, that’s lovely. And I suppose if Heinrich Himmler had apologized, you’d let him sleep on your couch?”

Celestia gave a ‘hmph.’ “Nagatha, if you’re going to go right to Nazi comparisons we might as well stop here.”

“The point still stands!” Harshwhinny rapped her knuckles on the steering wheel for emphasis. “She did some objectively terrible things back then.”

“And she’s trying to make up for it.” Celestia looked steadily, disapprovingly, back to Harshwhinny. “She’s succeeding, too.”

“The fact that you even gave her the chance disturbs me.”

A frustrated growl shot out from Celestia’s throat. “Nagatha, could you take a step back and listen to yourself? We gave the Dazzlings a second chance, and you’ve never complained about them. It’s the same thing.”

“Incorrect,” Harshwhinny irately countered. “The Dazzlings were little delinquents with superpowers, and now they’re little delinquents without. They don’t pretend to be anything better.”

“Do you think Sunset is pretending?”

Harshwhinny gagged on her breath. She set herself up for that one, and now stood caught between lying or conceding.

Too proud for the former, she sighed. “No.”

“Then why are you like this? Why the hostility towards her?”

“I’m worried about you.”

The grudging confession caught Celestia off-guard, buying Harshwhinny a few seconds before she continued. “Her world… hmph, ‘Pony Twilight’s’ world, it’s not like ours. Harmony, the Magic of Friendship… here on Earth, it’s all nonsense. I’m worried that you’ll take it to heart. There’s going to be a skinny teenage vampire with adorable quirks who will promise that she’s weally, twuly, sowwy, and because you were right about Sunset, you’ll believe her. You’ll turn your back, and she’ll put her hand through your spine because she’s a vampire, and vampires are mean.”

“NOT ALL OF US!” Trixie screamed, startling them both as she popped up from behind the seats. “Take Trixie. She is a good vampire, and helps protect the school from those who threaten it! Like werewolves. Trixie has been carefully following all the boys with too much hair, working her magic to keep their horrible bloodlust in check and…”

“You forgot your fangs,” Harshwhinny noted. She pulled over next to a bus stop and stepped out of the car.

Trixie squeaked, feeling around in her mouth before proudly displaying the oversized teeth. “No, Trixie has them. She put them in when she… I mean, she got them when a good vampire saved her last year. His name is Rosethorn Nightheart, and he’s very strong and nice, but he has complicated emotions and a dark past so he keeps his distance. If you like, Trixie has her whole backstory in her notebook, she can dig it ouOW, LEGGO MY EAR!”

Some squirming, some biting, and an on-time bus later, they were down one Trixie. A slightly disheveled Harshwhinny re-entered the car, and they picked up where they left off.

“I’m not going soft,” Celestia offered with the gentle tone she used to reassure students.

Harshwhinny, however, wasn’t sixteen. “You were never hard to begin with. And now you’re the mother of a fallen little angel, redeemed by the Magic of Friendship.”

“Well, until I learn to channel said Magic of Friendship…” Celestia patted her pistol and shrugged. “I’ll go with this. And I’ll agree that Sunset’s the exception, not the rule. So can you give her a break?”

“I do not ‘give breaks,’” Harshwhinny replied primly. “I hold myself to high standards, and I do it for others when they can’t be bothered to do it for themselves.”

A pause. Then, “I will, however, endeavor to reduce the ‘abnormal hostility.’”

“Thanks,” Celestia beamed. Harshwhinny glanced to her, then looked quickly away. Something about that smile… it warmed her in a way so few gestures could. It was awful.

A more companionable few minutes of silence passed before Celestia spoke again. “How far?”

“Another half hour,” Harshwhinny said. “The warehouse is on the wrong side of the suburbs.”

“Can I turn on some music?” Celestia’s finger was already pressing the knob.

“No, wait!” Harshwhinny screamed, but it was too late. Music blared through the car, sung by a peppy, famous voice.

“Can-TER-lot girls,
We're kinda magical!
Boots on feet, bikinis on–”

A tan hand slapped the music off. Harshwhinny hunched over the wheel, face burning under Celestia’s gaze.

“You listen to Sapphire Shores?”

“No,” Harshwhinny hissed. “Chickadee must have left her CD in the car.”

Celestia ejected the disk and took a look at it. “It’s burned, and says ‘Nagatha’s favorites,’ on it in your handwriting.”

Harshwhinny was nothing if not quick to recover. “And you failed to correct me when I called you Sunset’s mother. I therefore propose a cease-fire.”

“Agreed.” Celestia retreated, blushing at the implications of her own slip. “Just, going back to earlier… I mean it, I’m not so soft that I can’t do this. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried.” A tiny smile danced across Harshwhinny’s lips. “I’ll be hard enough for all of us.”

Author's Note

"Luna's not a brat!" -Yes, but this is from Harshwhinny's perspective. She sees a socially-difficult woman with childish hobbies living in with her patient and matronly sister and unashamedly jumps to conclusions.

Not the last update of the weekend...

Chrysalis actually wants peace.

“How did I forget my phone?” Sunset grumbled. She hustled through the empty school, making a beeline for her locker. It was already too late to take the bus, but Rarity promised to give a ride if she called before five… not that it helped, with the number in the missing phone.

This was bad. Sunset kept the phone in her purse, stored safely in the locker during school hours. Hopefully it had fallen out and was still there, because she had no idea where to look if it wasn’t.

Sunset sighed as she opened her locker. Nothing but books.

Maybe it was behind the books. Stupid, of course, but the faint chance was all she had. Sunset pulled them out one at a time, not even hopeful enough to be disappointed as her phone failed to appear.

“Looking for this?”

Sunset’s eyes lit up at the deep, familiar voice, and she turned. Iron Will approached down the hallway, her red-cased phone in hand.

Grinning, Sunset retrieved it from the burly teacher and swiped her finger across the screen. No reaction came, and her grin faltered. A dead battery meant no ride to the arcade, but that was nothing compared to the phone’s retrieval.

“Thank you so much!” Sunset breathed out, feeling her fear pass away.

“No problem,” Iron Will returned, at a sensible volume.

That… was a little odd. The normally-boisterous teacher shuffled awkwardly, picking at his pinstripe suit. “Lucky break, I guess.”

“What’s up, Mr. Will?” Sunset thrust her hands in her pockets, matching his gaze. Something was transparently wrong with the man; best to get it out and over with.

Iron Will chuckled, shaking his head. “That obvious, huh? I must be getting old. Look, the long and short of it is…”

“…We need to talk.” His lips moved with the words, but it was a regal woman’s voice that emerged. Iron Will’s peach-skinned body slimmed and shrunk, blackening as it took the familiar form of Chrysalis.

Sunset had been through enough tricky situations to keep her cool. Her hands remained in her pockets, one closing around her switchblade, the other slipping into a set of metal knuckles. A discreet glance around revealed… nothing. The two of them were alone.

Maybe. “Is this the part where I find out the lockers are really changelings?”

With the transformation complete, Chrysalis… actually was shaped a lot like Celestia. A slim, leggy build that gave the illusion of great height, and a face that scratched the door of middle age. She crossed her arms, frowning.

“No, this is the part where we act like adults.”

Sunset wasn’t born yesterday. “Adults steal phones and drain their batteries?”

“Pardon me for playing it safe.” Chrysalis gave a grumpy, aristocratic sniff. “I won’t walk into an ambush any more than you will.”

“I think I just did.”

“You think wrong,” came the prim correction. “I’m trying to avoid a fight with your little band. We both have bigger fish to fry.”

“Like what?” Sunset ventured.

“An open hallway is not a good place to exchange secrets.” Chrysalis shook her head. “No, you’re going to have to play ball. Come to my mansion and we’ll talk.”

Sunset wasn’t born this morning, either. “Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.”

“I don’t eat people,” Chrysalis groaned with the irritation of one who had said so before. “Look, kid, isn’t it enough that I passed on a perfectly good chance to ambush you?”

“And conveniently made me unable to call for advice.”

Chrysalis waved off the words. “Look at it from my perspective. I’m not one of your ‘monsters;’ I have a good thing going with my life, and I’m keen on protecting it. Between your mad bomber of a spy and your easily-traced internet scouting, I know I’m in the cross-hairs, and I want out.”

“So why not hit us first?” Sunset asked, still guarded.

Chrysalis shrugged. “It’s not profitable. In fact, it would be actively bad. I’m not a big fan of the restless dead, and I want your little band of psychotic teachers keeping them down. Preferably in a different city, but a girl can’t really have it all.”

“Huh. So by ‘bigger fish,’ you mean the undead?”

“Maybe.” Chrysalis smiled coyly. “As I said: you need to play ball.”

“Uh-huh.” Sunset had relaxed over the conversation, but only barely. “Okay, now look at things from my perspective, and tell me how much of a spider you look like right now.”

“Well I’m not letting you call in your gang,” Chrysalis said. “I came for you specifically, Miss Redeemed Villain. From what I’ve dug up, you seem like the only one who would even talk to the likes of me.”

“Celestia–”

Chrysalis gave her rebuttal before the name even left Sunset’s mouth. “–Has been in the business of hunting monsters for a decade, and thinks I’m one of them. No. You and me, my place, or we are enemies.”

“I can’t just disappear,” Sunset countered. “Let me text her about this.”

“So she can call in the army?”

Sunset shook her head. “She’ll understand. You need to understand, too. If you want me to trust you, you’ll need to trust me back. This is a deal-breaker.”

A stiletto-heeled foot tapped once on the ground, and Chrysalis sighed. She removed a cell phone battery from her pocket and handed it to Sunset. “Let me see what you write.”

“No,” Sunset replied. A power play, and she won. Chrysalis grimaced, taking a step back and looking away as Sunset fiddled with the battery.

Despite the privacy, subterfuge wasn’t on Sunset’s mind. It would’ve felt wrong, after earning this tiny bit of trust. She simply, honestly told Celestia where she was going, who she planned to speak with, and to not storm the place with machine-guns.

…Okay, she added a little subterfuge, just to be on the safe side. [My password is… ‘Sunflash.’ In case it’s not me that comes home.]

And a third text. [DON’T WORRY! I got this. I love you, and I’ll see you soon.]

A reread, and a slight edit to the words before sending it off. [DON’T WORRY! I got this. I’ll see you soon.]

“Done. Thanks for trusting – it’s a two-way street.”

“Indeed,” Chrysalis replied indifferently. “Alright, come along. We’ll talk over dinner. I hope you like panda steak.”

“Panda steak?” Sunset frowned. “Aren’t they–”

“Endangered, yes. I’m tobacco royalty; I never said I wasn’t evil.”

Author's Note

I had kind of a changeling plot going, didn't I? Let's get back to that. More tomorrow.

I Lied.

Sunset thrashed uselessly. Her wrists were cuffed behind her chair, and her ankles were tied to its legs. Her logical mind knew the struggle was pointless, but Sunset wasn’t feeling very logical. She wasn’t even afraid. All her emotional energy was consumed with fury for the sneering, backstabbing bitch who loomed above.

“You’ll never get away with this!”

“I already have.” Chrysalis idly tossed the handcuff key to one of the equine changelings camped around the shadowy basement. “But go on. Your impotent defiance is as amusing as your gullibility.”

“Celestia knows where I went! The rest of the hunters will find me, you’ll see!”

She winced as a black finger flicked, slapping her nose. “Right, because it’s not like I have an army of infiltrators at my beck and call.”

Sunset grinned back savagely. “You’re not as smart as you think you are.”

“Right back at’cha, twerp.” Smirking, Chrysalis moved her hand up and began flicking Sunset’s right ear. “‘Sunflash.’ Cute, but a thumbprint-secured phone isn’t much good against changelings.”

Sunset leaned away from the aggravating hand as best as she could, growling. Chrysalis’ smile grew as the move took Sunset’s head next to the other hand, which flicked her left ear. Sunset recoiled, and Chrysalis laughed. “That’s why I chose you, of course. The idealistic rookie who thinks a little suspicion makes her clever. The weakest link in a chain that’s about to be broken.”

“We’re not brok-AH!” Sunset rocked her head back in the other direction, but the first hand gripped her ear and gave a sharp twist. “Seriously, whatever happened to ‘zombies are bad for business?’”

“I lied.” Chrysalis shrugged, slapping two fingers up below Sunset’s nose, chuckling as she squirmed. “I said what it took to get you in the car. The rest was easy.”

Sunset growled and snapped as the assault on her ears resumed, finally shrieking in frustration. “Okay, you’re winning! You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

“Oh, I can’t help myself.” Chrysalis giggled, giving a quick pull at Sunset’s hair. “A bad habit, really, but I’ve always played with my food. And you’re the first pony I’ve had to play with in a long time, so…”

She laughed out loud at Sunset’s surprised look. “Oh yes, one of my changelings made herself at home in Canterlot High. She told me all about the awful, yellow bully who ended up being from another world. MY world.”

Fangs flashed, and her face warped for a second to that of a grinning equine bug. Sunset recoiled, and Chrysalis changed back. “I’ll be mayor soon, you know. It’ll be a cakewalk with RichCorp’s endorsement. And then governor, and then… well, you know. And then I’ll show Equestria the power this world holds. We’ll see how that pink little prissbucket’s ‘love magic’ stands up to tanks and missiles. We’ll see how much of Twilight Sparkle’s precious ‘friendship’ is left after I napalm Ponyville. And when the human dupes have reduced Equestria to a smoldering ruin, my changelings and I will take over and glut ourselves on its love!”

"Your plan needs work,” Sunset deadpanned. Then she blinked, looking away. “Huh, I’m not even really surprised…”

A second blink as realization dawned. “Crap, that means I’m getting used to this.”

“At least she makes more sense than Principal Cinch.”

The gruff whisper drew her eyes to Chrysalis’ other captives. The speaker, Iron Will, had chains instead of handcuffs wrapped around his wrists and legs.

Another Chrysalis sat tied to her own chair, looking with undisguised revulsion at one of the changelings.

“I still can’t believe people think she’s me,” she growled quietly as her other self continued monologuing.

“You seem pretty chill about this,” Sunset whispered.

The human Chrysalis shrugged. “At first, it was horrifying. Pony-shaped bugs? Face-snatchers? With me as their target, of course. But it became this bitch’s nightly tradition to yak my ear off about her evil plans, her coming triumphant return to Equestria, how all this will finally make Princess Celestia realize how cool and sexy she is, her corruption of the Rich family…”

“Wait, what?”

“It’s not so impressive.” Human-Chrysalis gestured with her head to their fourth – a gagged, furious-looking Spoiled Rich. “She just took her face and talked Filthy Rich into supporting the other me’s run for office. Nothing brilliant.”

Sunset shook her head. “No, the other thing! With Princess C–”

She froze as a hand shoved her chest, sending her chair rocking onto its hind legs. A precarious weightlessness struck her, ending with pain as the chair continued its journey downwards. A quick twist saved her head from the concrete floor, though nothing could save her bound hands. They mashed painfully to the ground as Sunset completed her descent with a shocked cry.

“It’s not nice to interrupt,” the standing Chrysalis said smugly.

“HEY!” Iron Will screamed, from calm to furious in an instant. “You push her down, I MAKE YOU FROWN… uh-oh.”

He had jerked forward with the words, unbalancing his own chair and sending him into an embarrassing face-plant on the ground.

Queen Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “In hindsight, I probably could have left you hunters alone. But no sense leaving a job half-done.”

A final smirk as she turned away. “I’m heading out. Feel free to escape – this factory is nest to a hundred changelings, and love isn’t the only thing they’ll eat.”

“Luna, come look at these texts.”

“Can it wait?” Luna called out over her game. “I’m in the middle of something.”

“No, it can’t,” Celestia replied tensely. A moment passed, and she called again. “Luna!”

“I’ll be there in a sec.” Luna’s voice mingled with an on-screen explosion.

While normally accepting of her sister’s quirks, Celestia gave a frustrated sigh and shouted. “Now, Luna!”

She groaned in time with the aggrieved sigh coming from the other room, but the violent noises paused. Luna slouched into view, arms crossed and a petulant frown on her face.

“Yes, Princess?”

“That wasn’t funny the first time,” Celestia grumbled. Comparisons to Equestria’s ageless queen never sat well with her, giving Luna an extra bullet in her little-sister arsenal. “Come look at these texts.”

Luna accepted the phone, blinking as her hand brushed Celestia’s. “What’s up with the scars?”

“Ghast bites.” Celestia absentmindedly scratched one. “It didn’t go well this afternoon. But Luna – the texts. I wish I’d seen them sooner.”

Obligingly, Luna opened the first of the highlighted trio and began to read. Her posture stiffened with the first lines, and the sisterly squabble was forgotten

“Sunset really is a pony.” Luna handed the phone back with a groan. “From a magical world of peace and rainbow sparkles. You need to have a talk with her.”

“She’s upstairs,” Celestia said softly, putting the phone away.

Luna twitched. “Is she? Or is it a changeling?”

Celestia cupped her chin in her hand, leaning on the dining room table with her eyes away. “I don’t know. She gave the password, but…”

“Yeah. ‘But.’” Luna tapped her foot in thought, then nodded. “We need to ask her a question only Sunset would know.”

“Like what?” Celestia asked. “She could easily have forgotten her appointments, or any little moment between us. It can’t just be something Sunset would know, it has to be something she wouldn’t forget.”

“Yeah.” Luna frowned, then laughed abruptly as inspiration struck. “Or something she wouldn’t remember.”

Uncomprehending, Celestia tilted her head. “Huh?”

“Follow me. This’ll actually be really easy.” Luna beckoned Celestia to stand, and led her to the stairway. “Wait here and listen.”

Celestia raised a hand to stop her. “If she is a changeling, she’ll be dangerous.”

“And if I’m armed, she might smell a trap.” Luna gestured behind them. “Grab the flanged mace.”

Celestia hesitated. “Um… where do we keep it?”

“Living room chest, right next to my Toriel plush.”

“Why do we have a fl–”

“Don’t ask, Tia. Just get it.”

Celestia did so, nervously gripping the blackened metal as Luna ascended the stairs. The attic lights were on, and Luna called out without subtlety. “Sunset?”

“Up here!”

Celestia grimaced at the voice. She had never encountered shape-shifters before, but could well understand the horror of fighting them. Dangerous not only for their abilities, but for the fear and paranoia they evoked. Making a thing as simple as a young girl’s voice produce a cold stone in her gut.

“We need to talk.”

“What about? I was just going through my stuff.”

Going through her stuff… or getting a feel for being ‘Sunset?’ Celestia didn’t know. She eyed the mace’s head and wondered if she could really swing it at Sunset’s face.

Luna’s voice came down in response. “About you having sex with my sister.”

Celestia blinked.

Sunset probably did too, because the answer was a few seconds in coming. “What?”

“She admitted it,” Luna said in the same tone as ever: serious, and vaguely bored. “But she also said you told her you’re about twenty in pony years, so it’s okay. I just wanted you to know that I’m alright with this. It’s a little weird, but your secret’s safe with me.”

The hesitation said it all. No words of shock or indignation. Celestia sighed, looking down and away as the cheery response finally came. “Thanks, Miss Luna. That means a lot to me.”

“No problem. That’s all.”

Luna descended the stairs. The door closed.

And their squabble resumed. “Really, Luna? Out of all the made-up stories you could have told, you went with that?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my plan succeeding. Now are we going to save Sunset, or what?”

“We don’t know where she is,” Celestia said. She shook her head, mouth drawn and eyes afraid. “She… might not even be alive.”

“Tia.”

Once more, the fight ended as quickly as it came. Luna gripped her shoulder and pulled her in for a quick kiss on the cheek. “You’re the sickening optimist, remember? She’s alive, and we’ll find her. The changelings have to be keeping her somewhere secure, so it’s got to be either Chrysalis’ mansion or factory. We hit one, and if she’s not there, we hit the other.”

“You make it sound so easy.” But Celestia smiled warmly with the words.

“It is easy.” Luna shrugged, already thumbing her phone. “I’m texting the guys. Get the guns. We’ll leave now, and we can deal with our little house guest when we get back.”

“Right,” Celestia nodded.

…One more thing. “What if we attack the wrong place?”

Again, Luna shrugged. “Then we’ll have destroyed a cigarette plant, or a tobacco baron’s mansion. I don’t know about you, but I won’t lose any sleep.”

“I CAN BREAK THESE CHAINS!”

Sunset groaned. Her eye twitched, the handcuffs were starting to chafe, and two hours of being locked in place were enough to painfully cramp up her muscles. And Iron Will – despite incessant, strenuous effort – was not helping things.

He looked… kind of pathetic, really. Queen Chrysalis hadn’t even left the room when he recovered from his fall, and immediately set himself to wrestling his bonds. Still tied to the chair, he rolled around on the concrete floor, sweating, straining, grunting, pulling, twisting, yanking, snarling, roaring, rhyming… and accomplishing absolutely nothing. Even the changelings seemed morbidly fascinated by the spectacle that had endured for two hours and showed no signs of stopping.

“I CAN BREAK THESE CHAINS!”

The human Chrysalis snapped, moments before Sunset would have. “WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU CAN’T BREAK THOSE CHAINS! And, oh, God, you’re starting to smell.”

“I CAN BREAK THESE CHAINS!”

Sunset jerked her head to Spoiled Rich. “How come she gets a gag, and not him?”

“You’ve never listened to her,” Chrysalis grumbled, drawing a glare from the pink subject. “Trust me, her opinion would not help matters.”

“I CAN BREAK THESE CHAINS!” Iron Will threw his face to the ceiling and roared, causing an eruption of spittle to fly from his mouth.

A bit of it impacted Sunset’s hair, and ran slowly down to its tip. She breathed out raggedly, shivering in her bonds.

“He’s driving me crazy.” Sunset closed her eyes. “And now, to make this absolutely terrible night complete… I have to go to the bathroom.”

“IF SUNSET MUST PEE,”

“Oh, thanks for announcing it!” Sunset screamed.

“IRON… WILL… BE… FREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARGHHH…”

The last word degenerated into a wild cry. Veins bulged on the huge man’s neck. His nose ring waggled in the self-made hurricane of breath. His face was bright red, and his hairy knuckles turned white as their arms made the supreme effort against the binding chains.

A noise came. A tearing.

It was over before Sunset even realized what was happening. A hairline tear appeared across his pinstripe suit, then vanished – along with the suit. It exploded, sending fragments of cloth flying in every direction.

Mercifully, the pants remained intact. But his naked torso rose, and Sunset’s breath caught in her mouth as his arms thrust their fists above his head.

Only then did she hear it. The tortured, somehow-delayed crunch that could only be the sound of breaking chains. Their twisted remnants slid down Iron Will’s chiseled frame like so many meager nay-says, and he stepped over them without a glance.

“…Wow.” Chrysalis managed.

Spoiled Rich nodded, eyes wide and dreamy. “Mmph.”

Sunset’s own comment was abandoned as the air filled with angry hissing. Baring sharp teeth, with heads growing horns and hooves growing blades, the watching changelings crouched and circled. Dozens of them, eyes glowing malevolent blue in the meager light.

“And now they kill us.” Chrysalis’ tone was grumbling, but she followed it with a dry laugh. “Totally worth it, though.”

“No one’s going to die,” Iron Will announced, his voice raspy and hoarse. “And that isn’t a lie.”

Sunset jerked at her own bonds, looking nervously at the closing foes. “Iron! Get me out. I can help!”

“No time, Sunset.” With no other weapon close to hand, Iron Will picked up his chair. Cheap metal, but it would be good for a smack or two.

“There must be something I can do!”

“There is.” Iron Will nodded, steel in his eyes. One hand held the chair easily, and the other beckoned the changelings to come at him. “You can watch.”

Author's Note

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead, and some come from behind.
But I've brought a big bat! I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me!"

-Dr. Seuss

-Second official quote of the fic.

(With props to Utopianking for guessing the "Iron Will is kinda like Alex Armstrong" thing)

Next chapter shall be the shamelessly campy action-packed extravaganza you've probably been expecting from day one.

Good Guys, Bad Guys, and Explosions

Midnight, in front of the Canterlot plant of Queen Chrysalis Tobacco. Three cars pulled up to the parking lot before the gate: a purple sedan, a blue SUV, and a worn green military jeep.

In the first, Nagatha Harshwhinny shot a glare at her passenger. “I can’t believe they made me be your chauffeur.”

Clay-skinned, mud-haired Professor Whooves gave a tenor laugh. “Sorry. Funny story about my car, see, there was this–”

“I didn’t ask,” Harshwhinny cut him off. She gave her revolver a once-over inspection and slapped in the cylinder. “Did you remember your bullets this time?”

“Yes!” Whooves put his hands in his pockets and beamed. “I wrote a note for myself. I, ah, lost the note, but I remembered the bullets.”

“Did you remember your gun?”

Whooves blinked. The smile vanished. “Oh, dear.”

“Just wait here,” Harshwhinny snapped. She stepped outside, half-cocking the revolver.

“Wait!” Whooves called. “Before you go, I just wanted to ask… do you think a guy like me and a girl like Celestia could–”

“No.”

With that, Harshwhinny slammed the door shut.

In the SUV, a different clash was underway.

“God, I’m embarrassed just to be sitting next to you.” Luna checked her weapons, studiously ignoring the woman in the driver’s seat. It was Cheerilee, but a Cheerilee their students had never seen. Gone was the blouse and green-plaid dress, replaced with what Luna could only describe as a cheerleader-themed swimsuit: blue bikini top, ultra-short skirt, and a shotgun that seemed entirely too large for her.

One of the perils of the job – learning things about the teachers Luna would rather not have known. Hell, she didn’t even know what Cheerilee’s deal was. When the guns came out, the quiet, worn-out woman became the weirdest of them all.

“What happened to your Sailor Senshi outfit?” Luna grumbled. “At least then you didn’t look like a stripper.”

Cheerilee gave her the smile Luna hated. The condescending dismissal half the staff gave to ‘Celestia’s kid sister.’

“Hey, I have great flexibility in this. Feels good to get out of the tent-skirt, you know? Be the sexy action hero instead of the boring teacher.”

“Celestia will wring your neck if a student sees us.”

“I got Celestia’s permission.” Cheerilee stuck out her tongue. “She said she wants us to have fun and be ourselves while we hunt. It’s alright with her so long as I don’t wear it during the day.”

“Dress code enforcement is my job,” Luna grumbled. She slapped the clip into her machine pistol, giving poor distraction as Cheerilee chuckled.

“That’s for the students, Kiddo.”

Luna blinked. “‘Kiddo?’ I’m seven years older than you.”

“But I cook my own meals,” Cheerilee noted with a defiant smirk. “Now come on, it’s show time.”

She stepped out. Luna’s glare lingered for a moment before the blue woman followed suit.

Celestia got out of the jeep. She closed her eyes, took a soft breath in through the nose. This was the calm before the storm. The last moment to find her inner peace, before–

A short, sharp explosion broke through the night, causing her heart to skip a beat. Eyes still closed… her eyebrow twitched.

She tried to keep the annoyance out of her voice. “Redheart, I said ‘subtle.’”

“That was subtle.”

Celestia opened her eyes to find the white woman looking back with that damned, deceptively meek smile. “Just a stick or two to break the lock. Nothing major.”

Cranky Doodle, their driver, adjusted the helmet on his head and unslung his assault rifle. “Let’s move, then. Don’t want to give the Commies time to prepare.”

“They’re changelings, Cranky,” Celestia gently corrected.

Cranky shrugged. “A hive mind of infiltrators bent on the enslavement of humanity. You say potato, I say potahto.”

“Nobody says ‘potahto,’” Luna grumbled as the band came together in front of the ruined gate.

It encouraged Celestia, seeing them all together. Even down a couple of hands, they had faced worse. And they would face worse again, after they all went home tonight. Even Luna seemed to be in a better mood, smiling back at Celestia with the expectation of a good, baddie-killing time together. The sisters had so little in common that, strange as it seemed, it was nice to be able to share this.

Celestia took a discreet step back: a quiet signal for Luna to take the lead. She did so with gusto, setting the first foot past the ruined gate.

“Come on, guys,” Luna said lowly, her Cheshire grin glinting in the moonlight as they approached the factory “Let’s go show them a bad time.”

As ever, the hunters passed the front door without battle. That was the way their enemies fought: with fear alone as the first weapon. Any large, confusing building felt haunted in the night, and Queen Chrysalis Tobacco was no exception. Crates and pallets formed themselves into hallways, twisting and turning with maze-like complexity. Only every third overhead light was on, casting the room in shadows save for the too-bright reflections on stacks of plastic-wrapped cigarettes.

The hunters moved forward in a tight group, cautiously picking their way through the crate-formed corridor. A skitter echoed off the high roof – perhaps a rat, perhaps not.

Minutes passed, then another skitter came from behind a shelf to their right. The hunters glanced over suspiciously, but kept walking. They were in the changelings’ territory, and it was the changelings who would choose when to act. Nerve-wracking as it was, each of them knew there was nothing to do but press on.

…Except for Redheart. Sick of the wait and smiling at the cruel humor of it, she unpinned a grenade and tossed it over the shelf.

She was the last in line. The only one else who saw was Harshwhinny, back-walking to keep an eye on her.

Redheart met the woman’s glare laconically as she opened her mouth to speak. Something about professionalism, or coordination among the team. Whatever. The explosion robbed the words and broke apart the shelf, showering them both in enough cigarettes to corrupt a school district.

Bits also showered them. Pieces of black carapace, sharp like broken glass and sticky with green slime. Redheart accepted the disgusting addition with the stoicism of an E.R. nurse. Harshwhinny eyed a particularly large booger on her arm with repulsion, but also the resignation of one who knows this is just the start.

As the dust settled, the others stared back at them.

“Every time, Redheart.” Luna growled.

A din went up around them. Shrill, animal cries shook the floor with their volume and numbers. The odd skittering noise turned into a stampede of galloping hooves, racing towards the hunters from all directions.

The first changelings came into sight, rounding the corner behind Redheart. Disgusting bugs in equine shape, lowering crooked horns and barking with sharp-toothed maws.

Luna crossed her wrists, bracing her machine pistols. “Literally. Every time.”

Redheart snorted. “It’s better this way and we both know it.”

The changelings ended the conversation. More came from the front, and others pounced from crate tops into the center. That last group was the dangerous one, circumventing the humans’ firepower to close directly to melee.

But they weren’t the first to use such tactics, and the hunters had a counter. Against these dangerous few deployed the formidable Harshwhinny. Each click of her revolver preceded a shot, and a dead changeling. Firing precisely, sometimes aiming only a foot from another hunter, she shot into melee as easily as the firing range.

They came at her too, of course. When her gun was needed to cover others, she covered herself with a clenched, piston fist. It grabbed the first assailant’s horn and used it to throw the changeling to the ground. A heavy stomp of her foot crushed its throat in the next second. Harshwhinny’s gaudy purple blazer hid an Olympian build, matched with the efficient ruthlessness of experience.

She couldn’t cover everyone at once, and it fell to Redheart to pick up the slack. With a potato-masher grenade in one hand and combat knife in the other, she clumsily brawled with one foe at a time, usually only keeping it at bay until someone else could spare a bullet. But though her kill-count was low, her value today came with the destruction of terrain. Well-thrown bombs blew apart shelves and crates, opening lanes of fire and reducing unengaged changelings to piles of green goop.

Cranky laughed with uncharacteristic glee as he unloaded clip after clip from his assault rifle. This was a good setup for him, watching the changelings charge down the corridor. The heavy bullets of his weapon punctured carapace with ease, and his practiced finger controlled the bursts for maximum effect.

“Oh, Matilda.” In a brief lull, he glanced down fondly to the gun that had seen him through one war, and now walked by his side through the next. “If only you were here, you could see, ol’ Cranky can still dance with the bad boys!”

Cheerilee… daydreamed as she fought. She figured no one had a right to complain so long as she didn’t screw up, and she hadn’t yet. Not that it was hard to keep her side of the corridor clear with a shotgun the size of a golf bag.

She smiled dreamily. We’ll round the corner, and I’ll see a changeling about to kill Big Mac, and I’ll shoot the changeling, and he’ll look up and see me in this outfit, and he’ll be so attracted and grateful that he’ll ask me to be his girlfriend, and I’ll say, ‘How do I know you’re not a changeling?’ And he’ll say, ‘C’mere and let me show you…’

Luna swung her machine pistols like a turret, keeping them aimed high and gunning down changelings moving along the crate tops. Every kill meant one less leaping at Harshwhinny or Redheart, which meant one less chance for them to be overrun. Sometimes she squeezed one trigger, sometimes both, all depending on snap judgement.

Her tiny bullets often bounced off the changeling carapace, drawing a frown to her face. This would not be her best showing. But quantity helped make up the difference, and her extended clips offered plenty of lead to throw around. Plated chitin broke up under the sustained fire, and even when it didn’t the target would flinch with the impact. “Horde management” was part of the job, and she was doing well enough with it.

The hunters knew their work. They needed little direction. But that little was necessary, and for that, they had Celestia. Sometimes she would act physically, her carbine covering Cheerilee’s reload, or evening the odds when Redheart was wrestled to the ground. Sometimes she gave a verbal command – for Luna to support Cranky against a wave, and for Harshwhinny to cover Luna as she did so. The changelings came from every side, and the hunters didn’t have the firepower to match. But the changelings didn’t come from every side at once, and that let Celestia shuffle them as needed. Even rebellious Luna and cynical Harshwhinny moved with military obedience, trusting her with their lives. They were all adrenaline junkies – they were all having a feral kind of fun with this – but no one wanted to die on the job.

After three tense minutes, the changelings broke. The swarm became a gang of fragments, retreating with whimpers and snarls. The soft skittering returned… and ended quickly. They had not gone far.

Around Celestia, the others reloaded. None of the hunters were so naïve as to think they had won. With brute force having failed, the foe would turn to cleverness.

It was time to press on. “Stairs!” Cheerilee called, pointing ahead. “If there’s anything here, it’ll be in the basement.”

They advanced as a fire-team: in pairs, several steps apart. Weapons ready, Celestia and Harshwhinny led the way, turning at the first landing and descending the distance. A pale blue door proved unlocked, and they pushed it open to the shadowed basement.

It was then the next wave struck – fewer, but smarter. The hunters’ attention was behind them, before them, and down. The changelings came from above, flying with perfect agility down the stairwell. A gunshot resounded in the closed access, but the noise was dwarfed by cries and slamming doors. Celestia caught a glimpse of Cranky being bulldozed out the ground-floor doorway before she met the same fate in the basement. The pony-sized changeling that rammed her was heavier by far, and had no problems tackling her to the ground.

She grappled with it, fighting bile in her throat. Her first close look at a changeling, and it was hideous – a giant bug, with snapping fangs and heavy hooves. One of the hooves laid a solid punch on her stomach, causing her to jerk upwards with a gasp.

It got no more. Celestia had managed to draw her pistol during the brawl, and the spasm of pain brought it high. Holding it sideways, mere inches from the changeling’s temple, she fired.

Green gore doused her arm. The changeling fell, dead weight, and Celestia hoisted herself to her feet.

“Are you alright?”

A glance showed Harshwhinny next to her in the basement landing. Celestia nodded, one hand gingerly on her stomach. “Just winded. You?”

Harshwhinny’s lips moved to answer, but her voice came from elsewhere. “Fine.”

A gunshot cracked. Celestia startled as Harshwhinny fell with an inhuman cry, green ichor splattering from her chest. Her features warped and twisted on the ground, returning the changeling to its natural form.

Celestia turned to find herself staring down a smoking gun barrel. A tan hand clicked back its hammer, and Harshwhinny spoke again.

“Freeze. How do I know you’re really you?”

Celestia frowned. “Did you not see me kill that changeling?”

“They’re expendable and they know it.” Perhaps to underscore the point, Harshwhinny tapped her foot against a fallen foe. “You’ll need more than that.”

“The others are fighting, Nagatha. We don’t have time.”

“Correct.” But the revolver didn’t waver. “So tell me quickly: how do I know you’re Celestia?”

Celestia was normally sensitive to her staff’s egos, but this wasn’t the time. She sang in a low, frantic tone, “Can-ter-lot girls, we’re kind of magical, boots on–”

“Okay, okay!” Harshwhinny waved her off. “We’ll have to do this every time we lose track of each other. Here’s my end: your sister is a horrid little brat.”

Celestia scowled at her friend. “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. You don’t know her.”

“We’re verifying, not debating.” Harshwhinny moved as she spoke, striding quickly back to the landing door and giving it a pull. “Remember to use a different one next… oh, dear.”

It was as though the stairwell had been totally replaced by changelings. They immediately poured outwards, knocking Harshwhinny to the ground and racing towards Celestia. Two pistol shots dropped one, but the lead changeling rammed its head into her chest, sending Celestia staggering backwards.

Then, a sudden skip of her heart. The feeling of wind yanking her legs out from under her, and the sight of the stair door and wall exploding. She saw Luna tumbling outwards, accompanied by an avalanche of changelings and changeling pieces. Even those closest to Celestia shared her fate, buffeted across the room by the contained force of what definitely wasn’t an ordinary grenade.

Luna was the first to her feet. “God damn it, Redheart, we were in there!”

The wall was gone. Even from her prone position, Celestia could see mangled metal where the stairs once were, and the ceiling of the ground floor above.

Somewhere within the concrete and metal debris, Redheart’s voice answered. “I’m sorry.”

“Screw you, changeling!” Luna roared. “I’m talking to Redheart!”

Several meters away from the first voice, a more sardonic reply came. “Luna, nobody asked you.”

Luna inhaled for a retort, but let it out with a growl. Without looking, she leveled her gun at the first ‘Redheart’ and emptied three rounds, sending it flying back in a spray of green. “This is going to get weird.”

Celestia rose unsteadily to her feet, and was promptly tackled again. A changeling rammed her through a door, carrying them both into a utility room. Brooms, mops, and the omnipresent black cigarette cartons scattered as they wrestled. Gunshots echoed across the concrete walls, another grenade went off in the distance… the hunters were scattered.

No time to think about it. The changeling knocked the pistol from her hand, but her other flicked out a pocket knife and caught the horn as it stabbed forwards. Celestia rolled, taking the changeling with her as five other running battles began.

All in all, Sunset had been lucky. The first changeling Iron Will smote was carrying the handcuff key. Working it into her lock had almost dislocated her shoulder, but a bit of cooperation with Human Chrysalis freed them both.

And while Sunset had a few moral objections to it, she could admit it was also lucky Chrysalis got the idea to throw the still-bound Spoiled Rich into the changelings’ midst. The distraction allowed them to slink away to the periphery of the fight. Chrysalis’ terse advice was right: much as Sunset wanted to, there was no way she could help Iron Will. She was tired, sore, and had no weapon to speak of.

Besides, Iron Will seemed to be doing okay. Sunset glanced behind her to see Chrysalis lingering a moment, staring at the spectacle.

Sunset found herself staring, too. Iron Will took bites and punches from his assailants, but that was nothing to what the huge gym teacher dealt in return. The changelings themselves were his weapons, seized and used as impromptu flails, or hurled bodily into their peers. Moving with speed she would never have thought him capable of, Iron Will grabbed and ducked, punched and dodged, sometimes all within the same fluid motion.

She couldn’t look away. It was a grotesque battle of over-muscled man against hideous bug – it was awful, nauseating, and glorious.

A hiss startled her. The stare had been costly. Only a few changelings moved to intercept, but they were more than enough for the unarmed pair. They crouched low, stomping hooves and barring their needle teeth.

“Time for Plan B,” Chrysalis murmured as the lead changeling took a step closer.

“What’s Plan B?” Sunset clenched her fists and cast a glance behind them. An open corridor invited escape, but that pit human legs against changeling wings.

“Sorry, kid.” Chrysalis stepped grandly towards the changelings, and turned her back to them mere inches away.

“My changelings!” she called regally, pointing at Sunset. “The human has escaped. Obey me, your queen, and capture her!”

Sunset gave a disgusted glare. “Changelings aren’t that stupid.”

The changelings charged past Chrysalis without a backwards glance.

“STUPID CHANGELINGS!” Sunset screamed, turning and dashing down the corridor. Hooves echoed after her, but a crash replaced their noise. Sunset looked back to see three hundred pounds of Iron Will upon her pursuers.

“Run!” he bellowed. One hand grabbed a changeling’s horn, another seized its haunch, and together they raised it above his head. With an echoing roar, Iron Will heaved it into the pack.

“I’ll get help!” Sunset called. Iron Will never responded – his charge had taken him to one side of the horde, and now he turned to face them all.

“I AM A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP!”

A second crash echoed as he heaved another changeling. “AND YOU ARE THE CHINA! YES, COME AT ME! MORE! I NEED MORE BAD GUYS TO FIGHT!”

His deep, booming laugh followed Sunset down the corridor. She smiled, hopeful despite it all. As bad as things looked, she knew Iron Will would survive.

Sunset’s own fate was a bit more in question. She slowed after a few turns of the hallway, realizing it had been enough to completely lose her way. Sounds echoed off the bare basement walls, and not just from behind her. Gunfire, explosions, and bestial roars drowned out the sounds of Iron Will’s brawl.

Her smile grew. The cavalry had arrived.

And lo and behold, down the hallway came the shotgun-toting Cheerilee… wearing something incredibly indecent, but that was beside the point. Sunset beamed, eyes watering in relief. She sped towards the woman, arms outstretched, and had just enough time to dive back around the corner as Cheerilee lowered her shotgun and fired.

A deafening *THOOM* shook the corridor, obliterating the wall behind where Sunset once stood. Hearing fast steps following the shot, Sunset turned and bolted in the opposite direction.

Cheerilee picked up speed as well, her taunting voice leading the way. “Oh, sure, I totally believe Sunset conveniently escaped on her own. You changelings think we’re as dumb as you are!”

“Great, just great,” Sunset growled as she fled. “Sunset Shimmer, dead at seventeen. Cause of death: math teacher.”

“Come back, ‘Sunset!’” Cheerilee called, with an earnestly uncomfortable amount of joy. “It’s time for class! Today we learn how to subtract.”

Failing to retrace her steps, Sunset rounded the wrong corner into a dead end. Heavy doors lined the hallway, and she grabbed one’s handle and pulled with all her might.

Locked.

The next one… locked.

A stream of panicked swears foamed from Sunset’s mouth as she tried the last door. This one opened for her, and she leaped inside. The interior was a cramped barracks of sorts, with cots and hammocks clustered together. A single bulb lit the room, but there was no time to turn it off. Sunset crawled beneath one of the cots, tucked in her legs, and held her breath.

Mere seconds passed before the door creaked open again. In her prone position, all Sunset could see was the shadow: the slim body, the massive gun, and somehow, the splitting grin.

“Are you here, Sunset?” the voice asked, so cheerfully that Sunset couldn’t resist a shudder.

After a few seconds of silence, Sunset heard her voice. “Yes! It’s me!”

Sunset blinked, watching her own mirror image rise from one of the beds. “Thank God you’re here! These monsters are everywhere.”

“Right.” Cheerilee rolled her eyes, already leveling the shotgun.

The copy lunged, but a *THOOM* rang out, followed by a noise like smashing eggs. Green ichor flecked onto Sunset’s hand, and the changeling fell. Humming gleefully, Cheerilee cocked the shotgun and left the room.

Sunset shifted a little to get comfortable, but didn’t rise. With the way things looked, it definitely seemed best to lay low for a while.

“And I still have to go to the bathroom,” she muttered, closing her eyes. Maybe the time would go faster if she closed her eyes.

Several minutes later, Sunset’s eyes opened to a rough voice. “Hey, kid.”

It was Cranky. He crouched facing her, his assault rifle pointed inches from her chest.

Sunset’s panic boiled over once more. “Sweet Celestia, I’m me! Don’t shoot!”

“I ain’t saying you’re not.” Cranky grumbled suspiciously. But he always grumbled, so that was something. “I ain’t saying you are, either.”

Fear made Sunset clever. “I just used ‘Sweet Celestia’ to express surprise. Who else would?”

Cranky batted it back without a blink. “Creatures from the same world.”

Sunset winced. “Okay, that’s fair. Um, um… Tree Hugger once did a sit-in on your parking space. I never really got why. Something about donkeys and elephants?”

“Not bad.” The words rolled from Cranky’s mouth, still cautious. “But anyone could have told you that, so here’s what we’ll do. You, missy, are gonna tell me what grade you’re getting in my class.”

Sunset blinked.

And smiled. “You don’t teach any of my classes.”

“Ha!” Cranky laughed, somehow still making it sound like a grumble. He righted himself, beckoning her to rise. “That’s good enough for me. No sense letting them make us paranoid.”

Sunset stood, her smile growing as Cranky produced a heavy military pistol and handed it to her. Weightier than her norm, but it would do.

“Glad to see you, Mr. Doodle.” Words she never expected to say. Not that she disliked him, but… you know. “At least someone’s still sane. Hey, um, did you happen to pass a bathroom on the way here?”

A feral hiss drowned his reply. Changelings charged through the door, bull-rushing in equine form.

Inches before contact, Cranky managed to hoist the assault rifle and unload. More changeling gore splattered them both, but that was all that connected.

Cranky laughed again as the last changeling fled into the hallway. With practiced hands he snapped in a fresh clip and waved Sunset to follow as he sped forward.

“Up and at ‘em, girl!” Cranky called with sudden and unusual gusto. “We got Charlie on the run!”

“Who’s Charlie?” Sunset asked, her discomfort lending an extra squeak to her voice. “And I meant it about the bathroom, it’s kind of urgent… ugh, you’re not listening.”

With nothing else for it, she took off after Cranky at a hobbled run.

Celestia and Cheerilee.

“You arrive early each Tuesday to talk with Mac as he makes his deliveries.”

“Your hair tastes like cotton candy.”

Them and Redheart.

“You used to get counseling for depression, but then you started hunting and didn’t need it anymore.”

“Let’s see… Cheerilee, you’re Trixie’s aunt and she embarrasses you to death, and Celestia, you pack Sunset’s lunch every day. I think you write her little notes, too.”

Harshwhinny and Luna.

“Hello, brat. Still wasting your vanishing youth in front of a screen while your older sister cares for you like the overgrown child you are?”

“Depends. Are you still a bitch queen who’s terrified of intimacy with your own live-in girlfriend of ten years?”

“Leave Chickadee out of this. She’s not my girlfriend, she’s my best friend.”

“Like how Lyra and Bon Bon are ‘best friends?’ Who, by the way, are still suspended for what they were doing in the–”

“BEST. FRIEND.”

One by one, the hunters linked back up with each other. The changelings’ bluffs proved paper-thin with no knowledge of their opposition. The swarm devolved into scattered raids, then clumsy infiltrators… and then, not even that.

Celestia beamed as Cranky came into sight, and she saw who trailed in his wake. “Sunset!”

Slinging her carbine, Celestia ran over and pulled Sunset into a full-body hug. The other staff coughed and exchanged glances, while Sunset herself broke contact quickly.

“Hi,” Sunset said anxiously, jogging in place. “Thanks for coming. I’m super happy. Now did anyone see a bathroom? I really, really have to–”

“HERE THEY COME!” Luna cried, fumbling out her pistols as a new tide of black surged towards them.

“OH, COME ON!” Sunset shrieked. She clumsily drew the heavy pistol, already bracing for injury. They were too close, too quick.

The lead changeling leaped, and landed on its belly right next to her. Before Sunset could even register confusion, it wrapped its chitin hooves around her ankles and looked up. The normally blank blue eyes of a changeling were teared at their corners, and the hissing voice formed a pathetic mewl.

“Save us!”

“We surrender!”

Around her, the befuddled teachers received similar attention. The dozen-odd changelings were prostate and cowering at their feet, some even hiding behind the legs to look fearfully backwards, or–

“Do NOT kiss my boots! Ugh!” Sunset forcibly stepped from the first changeling’s grasp. “I don’t have time for this. Listen, all of you! Against the wall!”

They complied, but Harshwhinny’s finger settled on the trigger. “This has to be a trick.”

“I thought you said they have a hive mind?” Luna looked to Sunset. “Unthinking slaves to their queen, who uses them however she likes?”

Fortunately, her recent flurry of letters to and from Equestria had made Sunset an expert. “Yes, but it can be nullified. Distance can sever the link, as can intense emotion. Like love, or in this case, fear.”

“It still doesn’t make sense,” Harshwhinny snapped. “They charged a machine gun, for heaven’s sake. What could possibly frighten them more than–”

From the darkness, thunder boomed. “THE HUNTERS ARE HERE, AND IRON WILL…”

A pause. Then, “IS ALSO HERE!”

Iron Will flounced into view, a spring in his step and swing in the arms as they held a green-soaked weapon of pain and terror.

Needlessly, he offered cheerful clarification. “I found a chainsaw!”

“We can see,” Luna noted.

“And look what else I found.” Iron Will gestured to the two figures before him. Both initially invisible in his overwhelming presence, a second look revealed them to be Chrysalis and… Chrysalis, each with their hands raised.

“Of course,” Sunset grumbled. She hopped from foot to foot, having reached the point in her discomfort where standing still was impossible.

“I’m the real Chrysalis!” one yipped.

“I’m the human Chrysalis!” the other said, looking at Sunset. “Come on, we were tied up together!”

“I didn’t even know about monsters until she kidnapped me.”

“Well I eat panda steak!”

“Ha! I eat harp seal fillets.”

Disgust entered the normally-laconic Redheart’s face. “How do you sleep at night?”

“On a pile of money.” The response came from both, in stereo.

“This is worthless.” Cranky’s enthusiasm was gone, returning him to his normal, grumbling self. “We don’t know anything personal about either of them. And we can’t just let ‘em go, so what do we do?”

“We’ll have to parse it down.” Cheerilee began digging out a notebook. “This could take hours.”

A twitch shot its way through Sunset’s entire body. With frazzled hair, pouring sweat, and a maniac gleam, she grinned the grin of the mad.

“Better idea.” She leveled her pistol at one of the Chrysalises and squeezed the trigger. The shot tore through the shoulder, splattering red blood on the floor and dropping her with a cry.

Human though she was, Chrysalis clutched the flesh wound and hissed up at Sunset. “Bitch! You could have just pricked my hand or something.”

“I… could have.” Sunset blinked. The grin vanished as she realized that yeah, that would have been a better way to do this.

Then she recalled Chrysalis’ little stunt during their escape, and the smile returned. “But I didn’t.”

Along with the other hunters, she pointed her gun at the standing Chrysalis. The changeling queen snarled, but her legs remained rooted to the spot. Slowly, she raised her arms above her head.

“So what do we do now?” Redheart asked, idly juggling a grenade. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve never seen monsters surrender. We can’t really keep them.”

“I have an idea,” Sunset said breathlessly. “But first: bathroom. Who can point me to a bathroom?”

“I saw one.” Cheerilee gestured behind them. “Right about where I met a changeling of you. Want me to show you?”

“NO!” Sunset howled, and took off in that direction.

Celestia nodded to Harshwhinny. “Cover her, will you?”

The stern woman returned the nod, and moved to obey. “Of course, Miss Celestia.”

“Celestia?”

Celestia looked over to see Queen Chrysalis staring at her, at first in confusion. Then a grin slowly formed, and she laughed out loud. “So you’re ‘Principal’ Celestia, hm?”

“What of it?” Celestia groaned, though she had a sinking suspicion where this was going.

“Oh, nothing.” Chrysalis smirked coyly, sizing her up with mocking eyes. “It’s just kind of a disappointment, given what the real Celestia is like.”

“I am a ‘real’ Celestia.” The words came out stiff and forced. It was a raw nerve, and they all could tell.

Chrysalis laughed again, waving her hand dismissively. “Principal, I fought Celestia. I know Celestia. I’m Celestia’s greatest enemy. You, Ma’am, are no Celestia.”

Celestia shoved her rifle butt into the side of Chrysalis’ head, knocking her out cold.

She closed her eyes. Took a deep breath in.

A slow breath out, and her gentle smile returned. “Iron, could you carry her? Everyone else, bring the prisoners outside. We’ll hear what Sunset has to say.”

Celestia turned, looking back to where her friends stood. “Great job, everyone.”

“Great leading, Celestia.” Cranky cracked a grin.

Cheerilee and Redheart high-fived each other. “Yeah, one more win for Team Celestia!”

“Thanks for keeping us together, Celestia.”

“WHEN CELESTIA’S LEADING, THE UNDEAD WON’T BE FEEDING!”

Only Luna was silent, glaring to the wall and wincing at every mention of the name. Celestia coughed gently, her smile growing awkward. “W-well, it was a team effort. We would have been in great trouble had Vice Principal Luna not suppressed them as they came over the shelves.”

“I don’t need pity-credit,” Luna grumbled, low enough that only Celestia could hear.

Gossiping and posturing with the rush of victory, the hunters began herding out the cowed changelings. Celestia lingered, laying a hand on Luna’s shoulder as she made to follow.

Again, Luna’s words were a low grumble, given with eyes fixed away. “What is it?”

Celestia squeezed her shoulder, and pressed their cheeks together. “I think you’re wonderful.”

Luna’s gaze remained turned. But a smile won out over her scowl, and she rubbed her cheek to Celestia’s. “And I think that lame pony princess has nothing on you. Now come on – we need to hear out Sunset’s idea.”

“I hope it can go quickly.” Celestia glanced at her watch. “She needs to get home and go to bed. It’s a school night.”

Author's Note

No referential humor was harmed in the making of this chapter.

Also, it originally ended with Queen Chrysalis' abrupt execution, but then I got an idea that made me giggle. More on that later. :scootangel:

The Candy-Colored Aftermath

“To Miss Celestia, Miss Luna, and Sunset Shimmer,

Queen Chrysalis is gone from my head. That means you guys took care of her one way or another, which means you’ve probably figured out I’m not the real Sunset. I’m high-tailing it out of here before you come home and shoot me.

It’s weird to say this to people who might kill me on sight, but: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’m free now, and I’m not going to waste it. I want you to know I never wanted to hurt any of you (except pre-Fall Formal Sunset Shimmer). This is the best day of my life, and one day I’ll find a way to pay you back for it.

XOXO! See you at school!”

Coming awake, Chrysalis felt the chains on her hooves, spreading her out on her back. She felt the dull numbness of a nullification ring on her horn, and squeezed her eyes tight before they even opened.

Another stinking loss. She never should have gone to that other world. The humans’ violent tendencies made them seem the perfect weapon, yet it was that very trait that brought the whole plan to ruin. She should have went with a safer, slower plan. Like that one to resurrect Tirek! Yes, that would have been foalproof. Instead she got impatient, and here she was.

At least ‘here’ didn’t seem half bad. The air wasn’t that of a dank dungeon, but carried a warm scent of spice and roses. Her chains were loose as far as bindings go, and a quick peek showed them to be made of the finest gold. That peek also revealed her surroundings – Chrysalis was in a bedroom, but only in the same way the Crystal Palace was “a house.” She was tied to a magnificent bed, and a second, matching one sat apart from it. Actual gems were laid in the walls, patterned in images of birds and flowers. A low table held a plate of chocolate covered strawberries, with a far more decadent treat sitting next to them: a tall, regal white alicorn.

It had been a long time since Chrysalis saw Princess Celestia this close. Off-guard, Chrysalis felt her breath seize, and her butt clench on the sheets. Sweet Celestia, Celestia was beautiful. Forget the humans’ silly models, with their stick frames and swollen mammaries. Here sat the mare of mares: pillowy rump, succulent haunch, giant wings… oh, those wings. All those feathers surely needed preening, and Chrysalis’ forked tongue could preen like no other.

And the voice! The melodic voice that now spoke to Chrysalis!

“You’re a difficult case.”

“I’ve never played by the rules.” Chrysalis smirked, hiding her shudder. Did that sound cool, or pathetic? Celestia’s face offered no hints. The white mare rose, stretching her amazing legs to the floor.

“We won’t kill you,” Celestia began. Ponies didn’t fight to kill, a weakness Chrysalis had never shied from exploiting. “But I can’t let you go free. Every time before I hoped you’d learned your lesson, and every time you returned with a new scheme for misery and conquest. No more, Chrysalis. Your wickedness ends here.”

“So, what?” Chrysalis asked. “You lock me in the dungeon?”

Celestia shook her head, letting her majestic hair wave out. “No. Imprisonment for you would be a slow and cruel execution. I hope we might make an arrangement instead.”

“An arrangement?” Now was the time to be clever. Chrysalis desperately tried to focus, but her attention scattered as Celestia licked her lips, poking out that delightful little tongue…

“I know you need love to survive,” Celestia said. “So I’ll give you my love. That way, you won’t have any more reason to fight.”

“What’s the catch?” Chrysalis’ dry, quivering lips somehow managed to produce the words, making her proud. It wouldn’t do to seem eager, oh no. She had a reputation to uphold.

Celestia lifted one of the strawberries in her magic, studying it as she spoke. “The ‘catch’ is that I don’t trust you. You will not be allowed to leave this castle, and your magical bindings will remain in place. Further, I shall put you to work. You shall earn your keep, like a respectable pony.”

“I am a queen,” Chrysalis said. “I won’t do anything menial.” Which was a flat lie – she’d clean the castle sewers if it meant Celestia’s love.

Celestia nodded, arcing her soft, slender neck. “You will work directly for me. A princess has many minor tasks she needs somepony to perform, and that pony shall be you.”

“What kind of tasks?”

“The burden of the crown is stressful, Chrysalis. I shall require back massages…”

Chrysalis’ eyes shot wide.

“Hoof rubs…”

Those wide eyes looked to Celestia’s hooves. Chrysalis wasn’t a “hoof” girl by any stretch, but she would make an exception for four very specific ones.

“On bad days, I shall require somepony to feed me strawberries and tell me I am beautiful. On even worse days, I shall require this pony to be the outlet for my anger. It will be painful, but not damaging – I use padded riding crops, and sometimes am able to content myself with tickling.”

Chrysalis was beyond thought. She trembled in her bonds, mind awash with images of Celestia’s words in action.

“Oh, yes. You shall also be my plate.”

Yellow magic brought the strawberry over to Chrysalis, and settled it on top of her belly. Chrysalis could only stare as Celestia leaned in closer, licking her lips…

The door slammed open. Celestia froze, and in strode the eternal frown that was Princess Luna.

Chrysalis’ lust turned to rage in an instant. “YOU CELESTIA-DAMNED KILLJOY, WE’RE BUSY!”

“I do not approve of this,” Luna said acidly. She strode brusquely past the frozen Celestia, raised her hoof, and flicked the strawberry off Chrysalis. The hoof then came down, pressing against the soft black stomach.

“Well I don’t approve of your face,” Chrysalis sneered. “Now get out. It’s time for her snack.”

Luna blinked and flinched at the insult. But she rallied, and a smirk appeared as she leaned down over the captive queen.

“Actually, Chrysalis… it is time to wake up.”

The slow climb from slumber brought Chrysalis a sense of déjà vu. She felt the anti-magic horn ring, and the bindings on her legs.

Sadly, that was where the similarity ended. Opening her eyes revealed the bonds to be pink ribbons of all things, tying her hooves tightly together. Several wadded bows formed a gag in her mouth, and more were taped on her side.

The humiliating truth was obvious: Chrysalis had been gift-wrapped. A steam of muffled swears muttered from her mouth. She scrunched her eyes back closed, illogically hoping to fall asleep and return to her dream.

It seemed for a second like she succeeded, for Celestia’s melodic voice returned. “A present and a card! What a wonderful surprise, it’s so nice to hear from Sunset.”

Chrysalis opened her eyes, and once more drank in the beautiful goddess. A little more weathered than she appeared in the dream, but that was alright. What wasn’t alright was that she looked not at Chrysalis, but to a letter in her hoof. And when she looked up from it, her gaze went to a depressingly familiar purple alicorn and her misfit friends.

Worst of all, the blue she-demon was also here, and replied. “Quite so, sister. We shall have to visit this ‘Earth’ ourselves soon. I am curious to meet the Luna of which she speaks, as well as your own twin.”

“That would be great!” Princess Twilight clapped her hooves. “I’ll write to Sunset. We can definitely set something up.”

Celestia looked away, a small, tender smile on her face. “Ah, yes. I won’t deny curiosity about this other me, but more than that… it would be good to see Sunset again.”

Her soft eyes found Chrysalis, and she frowned. “Hm. The queen has roused.”

Luna looked to the purple walls. “Twilight, is this room secure?”

“My whole castle is resistant to magic.” Twilight shrugged. “With the horn ring on, she can only do basic telekinesis. I think we’re fine.”

“Which raises the question of what to do with her.” Celestia met Chrysalis’ gaze, and the changeling queen looked away – down to the white neck, where she undressed the regalia with her eyes. Why did Celestia wear that heavy amulet when her neck was so long and beautiful? It had to be so sensitive right at that curve… what noise would Celestia make if it was nuzzled? Would she giggle? Coo? Moan?

Twilight’s buzz-killing voice snatched Chrysalis back to reality. “This is tricky. We can’t just lock her up; she’ll die without love.”

Luna gave her own addition. “We can’t let her go like the other changelings, either. She’ll resume her schemes the moment she is out of sight.”

“Indeed.” Celestia stood over Chrysalis, her face a steady mask. “We shall have to strike a balance between mercy and safety. I wonder, would the palace do?”

Chrysalis gasped, and listened very carefully as Celestia went on. “She would have some measure of freedom, and I could keep an eye on her.”

Green eyes found purple as Chrysalis gazed upwards, mentally pleading for it to be made so. She glanced to Twilight, but there was no support there. The young mare hung on Celestia’s words, as did her friends.

Chrysalis’ gaze accidentally found Luna on its way back to Celestia. Luna met her eyes inscrutably, frowning as per her norm.

The frown broke, just for a second. A tiny smile.

“Sister,” Luna began. “I believe this falls under Twilight Sparkle’s realm of expertise. She has reformed villains before, surely she can do so again.”

“What?” Twilight asked, distracting them from Chrysalis’ gagged “HMPH!”

“It would be a great challenge,” Luna admitted in an honest, gentle tone. “I can understand if you wish to refuse, but please know that Celestia and I would admire you greatly if you were to succeed.”

“ROU BIFCH!” Chrysalis thrashed against her bonds, glaring Damnation at Luna. She didn’t need to watch to know what Twilight’s reaction would be.

She didn’t need to listen either, but that part wasn’t optional. “Of course I’ll do it! If we made friends with Discord and Cranky, we can definitely make friends with Chrysalis!”

“YAY! NEW FRIEND!” A pink mare screamed, and set off a confetti cannon directly in Chrysalis’ ear.

A white hoof lifted part of her mane. “Oh, darling, we can do so much with that black coat of yours! And this is beautiful hair, but you’ve really let it go to the wolves. No matter, it’s nothing a trip to the stylist won’t fix.”

Chrysalis’ brain didn’t even register the words. Her wide eyes looked to Celestia, begging the kind princess to bring salvation.

“Are you fast with those wings? Do you like racing? Do you like the Wonderbolts? If you don’t, no worries. We can go to a Wonderbolts show together, and I guarantee you’ll think they’re nearly as awesome as I am!”

“Um… I think playing with animals might help her become a nice pony. No one can be mean when they have a cute kitty in their lap, or are feeding the little birdies.”

“Shucks, sugar, ain’t nothin’ gonna turn around a baddie like some honest farm work. Good for the soul, it is. Ah don’t know about y’all, but Ah ain’t never heard of a pony stayin’ evil after a good season of apple buckin’.”

“Hi, I’m Starlight Glimmer! I’m Twilight’s student too, so that kind of makes me your senpai! Don’t worry, I’ll show you the ropes, and I’m sure we’ll be great friends before long!”

Chrysalis didn’t see who, but someone screamed, “Group hug!” She found herself wrapped by countless hooves, above which raised candy-colored heads with closed eyes and happy smiles.

One of the legs partially covered her face. Above it, Chrysalis got an imperfect view of Celestia and Luna speaking lowly with each other. Luna smiled and pressed her body to the older sister’s, steering it gently away from the pile. The pair strode out the door, each with a wing gripped tightly around the other’s back.

The free blue wing gave a lazy flap, waving goodbye as the hugging ponies burst out in song.

Author's Note

Don't complain, Chrysalis. Your fate in the human world would have been crueler, if admittedly less painful.

Teen Drama Still Sucks for Everyone Involved

October thirty-first.

Luna’s warning had been clear. “Pack your gun, Sunset. We always get at least one vampire at the school who thinks it’s clever to do his big reveal on Halloween.”

While she followed the advice, Sunset hadn’t been too worried. It didn’t seem likely that any major trouble would start with the faculty on high alert. If anything, her greater concern was for the students in vampire costumes – probably twice as many as last year. Trixie and Moonlight Raven were no big surprise, but seeing Flash Sentry in a full Dracula outfit nearly floored her.

Compounding the surprise, he strode down the hallway hand-in-hand with Trixie. Sunset walked quickly past them, sternly informing herself she wasn’t bitter Mister “I Want a Normal Girl” went for Trixie of all people.

Her own costume was both simpler and cleverer: A purple blazer, blonde wig, and clipped demeanor in imitation of Miss Harshwhinny. Rarity had worked her costume magic, transforming the Rainbooms into parodies of their teachers. Risky, but there was a certain giddiness in pushing the line.

They tried to imitate their parts too, but that proved a bit irregular. Sunset cut the act throughout Harshwhinny’s history class – she wanted to push the line, not hang herself with it. Even around the students she shied from going overboard, and by the time lunch rolled around she abandoned the performance entirely.

When Sunset shared the fact, Rainbow – with red suspenders and Cranky-esque wig – nodded. “Yeah, I’ve stopped the acting, too. I don’t want to actually get in trouble for this.”

Sunset glanced around the table, seeing no objection to the shift. Fluttershy looked downright awkward in her padded pinstripe suit. Her few efforts to imitate Iron Will that morning had been so forced he spent gym class coaching her how to do it right. Meanwhile, Rarity and Twilight hardly had to act at all in their Celestia and Luna outfits, and Pinkie never even tried to match Cheerilee’s weary boredom. Applejack…

Sunset blinked, realizing they were minus-one. “Where’s Applejack?”

Most of the Rainbooms looked up, their confused expressions mirroring her own. Pinkie alone grinned and pointed. “Over there! Aren’t they cute?”

Sunset turned, her eyes following the finger to the massive windows on the cafeteria wall. Their narrow sills offered seats to adventurous students, and there perched Applejack. The brown jacket that marked her as Professor Whooves had been discarded, leaving her with a white dress shirt pressed close into the girl next to her. Sunset could see the gleam of Applejack’s teeth as she grinned goofily, one hand resting on the far, yellow-skinned hip of her partner.

Her hand twitched on the hip. In response, Adagio Dazzle tilted her head up and kissed Applejack beneath the chin.

At the Rainboom’s table, six mouths gave a quiet, synchronized, “Huh.”

Fluttershy scratched the cuff of her suit. “That’s nice.”

“Nice.” Sunset’s echo carried a dubious tone, her gaze fixed on the yellow siren.

Rarity shrugged, returning her attention to a pocket mirror. “I think it’s lovely. ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ as it were.”

She huffed suddenly and snapped the mirror closed. “Before you try to be funny, Rainbow Dash, Applejack is definitely the beauty in that equation. You can put lipstick on a shark, but it’s still a shark.”

“I ain’t laughing,” Rainbow muttered. She traded a dark glance with Sunset, making her suspicion clear.

“Awww… love conquers all!” Pinkie cheered. “If anyone can melt the heart of a meanie-pants siren, it’s good ol’ AJ.”

The gossip moved on from there. Sunset listened with half an ear as Twilight began chatting up the vampire role-playing game she was starting. She kept stealing glances to the window, once catching Applejack’s eyes. The farm girl chuckled and shrugged, reddening as Adagio nuzzled her neck.

“No way she’s for real.”

Sunset broke the gaze at Rainbow’s low growl. The large orange wig shadowed her eyes, lending a sense of conspiracy to the words. “You’re the expert. Is AJ hypnotized?”

“I don’t think so,” Sunset said quietly. “It’s a Catch-22. The Elements of Harmony sealed the sirens’ magic, including their ability to control minds. It would take all of our permission to dispel, and I don’t know about you, but nothing short of mind control would make me do it.”

Rainbow’s frown only deepened. “Yeah, but this is Applejack we’re talking about. She’s smarter than this.”

Sunset shook her head and began ticking off on her fingers. “Rarity and Blueblood. Flash and me. Pinkie’s weird crush on Whooves. You and Thunderlane. We’re teenagers, Rainbow, we’re dumb at love.”

Rainbow grunted. “Thunderlane was a… never mind. Point made, but are you a hundred percent sure it’s just that?”

A few seconds passed. Then, “No.”

“No?”

“You were there for the big spiders. This world has magic of its own, which means it’s not impossible Adagio figured something out. I don’t think it’s likely, but there’s a chance.”

Rainbow cast a hooded glance to the others. “Chance enough for us to do something?”

The Sunset of last month would have said no. She would have chastised herself for not trusting the defeated sirens to mend their ways, or for Applejack to make the right choices.

The Sunset of last month hadn’t killed a vampire, or negotiated with changelings.

Today, Sunset nodded. “I’ll talk to Adagio in that hallway with the bad lighting. You hide behind the stair door and listen in. If she does anything to me, get the magic book and tell Pony Twilight.”

Rainbow returned the nod, and with a last conspiratorial glance they reentered the table talk. Pinkie was excitedly telling Twilight about the big Halloween party tonight at the gym.

“And it’s so cool, they always get this gag vampire to show up! The lights flicker, and he flaps his cape and acts all scary, and then Iron Will ‘saves us’ by cutting off the head! Last year the ketchup from the stump got all over Rarity, and hoo-boy she screamed!”

Twilight Sparkle opened her mouth, glanced to Sunset… and slowly closed it.

Catching Adagio alone was easy. The siren had chosen her locker specifically within the half-dark hallway, apparently prizing the seclusion.

Sunset’s Harshwhinny-stiletto heels echoed noisily as she approached. The usual after-school sounds were absent today – the student body had fled, looking to pound down their homework before the party.

Adagio’s voice rounded the corner in front of Sunset. “…Of course I’m not going. We have to see all these idiots forty hours a week, why would I want to see them more? Tell Sonata she’s got to find her own ride.”

Sunset turned, drawing into sight as Adagio grumbled on her cell phone. The siren gave an irate glance, then a second one as Sunset leaned against a locker.

With an exaggerated eye-roll, Adagio took the hint. “Why don’t you drive her? You don’t… okay, look Aria, I got to hang up. There’s a fetid rodent here who wants to talk to me. She’s probably just going to waste my time because she’s a half-bit prostitute hobo with an Electra complex and a dictionary of Saturday morning cartoon catchphrases. But she’ll bitch and moan if I don’t say hi, so yeah. See yah.”

She tapped on her phone, pocketed it, and turned to Sunset with a shining grin. “Sunset! Looking good, babe. Whasup?”

Sunset’s hands clenched inside her pockets, but her gaze remained nonplussed. “We need to talk. It’s about Applejack.”

“Jealous?” Adagio threw back her curls and smirked. “Sorry, but I’m not into generic protagonists.”

Sunset briefly entertained the vision of decking the siren before going on. “What are you planning?”

A mocking, bitter laugh barked from Adagio’s throat. “Oh, this is rich. Yes, Sunset, this is all part of my grand scheme to divide the Rainbooms and wreck their friendship frickin’ eight months too late. And I used my magical singing to do it, because that’s totally a power I still have.”

“I don’t buy it.” Sunset crossed her arms. “Applejack knows what you tried to do. Why would she trust you with something as important as her heart?”

Adagio pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head dramatically as she answered. “I showed her booty, you idiot. I did it just to freak her out, but the next thing I know she’s stammering worse than you in history class and offering me an apple like it’s supposed to mean something.”

“It probably does,” Sunset said. “Her family takes a lot of pride in their apples. In picking one specifically for you, she was giving you the literal fruit of her labor. It’s the intention behind a gift that makes it special, not the price tag.”

“Yeah, whatever, look.” Adagio slipped the phone back out of her pocket and held it up like a trophy. “That was lame, but see this? A Universe Q-5. Bet you don’t have one yet.”

“She bought you a phone?” The words came out a little strangled as Sunset’s body went tense.

“After I sang a little ditty about bullies breaking my old one, yeah.” Adagio pocketed it. “I picked out a watch, too. Let me tell you, that girl’s parents give her one heck of an allowance.”

“Her parents are dead,” Sunset growled. “You didn’t even…?”

Adagio shrugged. “One heck of an inheritance, then. Are we done?”

“No we are not!” Sunset snapped, consciously ramming her fists back in her pockets. “All you’re doing is using her!”

Adagio arched an eyebrow, smirking. “Like what you did with Slash?”

Last month, the rebuttal would have sent Sunset reeling. Today, she didn’t blink. “It’s Flash, and no, it’s not like that. I liked him, I like liked him. Do you like Applejack?”

“Do I like the girl who is one-seventh responsible for ruining my chance at a great Equestrian Comeback Tour? Who smells like horse, yaps about guns, wears the same clothes every day, and picks her nose and flicks out the snot?” Adagio rolled her eyes. “Let me think. No. No, this isn’t a stupid revenge scheme, no, I’m not mind controlling anyone, and yes, I’m ditching her as soon as I get bored. Now are we done?”

Sunset had silently held her breath throughout the rant. She let it out slowly, and ended the sigh with a pleasant smile. “Just one more thing. You like jewelry, right? What do you think of my ring?”

She proffered her right hand, showing off the iron band around the finger. Adagio leaned over it and shrugged again. “I dunno. I guess it kind of goes with your ‘biker babe’ loo–”

Sunset’s other hand socked into the siren’s stomach. Adagio sprayed spit, doubling over. Sunset snatched for her collar, but Adagio recovered in an instant and dodged out of reach.

She leered at Sunset’s confused blink. “Surprised, Sunshit? I may have lost my magic, but I’ve still got enough siren agility to wipe the walls with you in a fair fight.”

The smile turned to a yelp as cyan arms wrapped around her chest. Rainbow grinned with fury, wrestling her off-balance. “Then this won’t be fair. Kick her ass, Sunset!”

Several minutes later, a bruised Adagio sulked in her corner of the detention hall. “Not fair. They started it.”

Sporting their own bruises and nail-scratches, Rainbow and Sunset sat in the opposite corner, all three suffering quietly under Harshwhinny’s glare.

“Seriously!” Adagio half-rose from her seat, stopping as the ice-blue eyes aimed her way. “They attacked me!”

“All I saw was three students fighting,” Harshwhinny intoned. “I can only punish what I see.”

Curls billowed as Adagio slammed her palms on the desk. “Like I would pick a two-on-one fight. Come on, what does your teacher-sense tell you?”

“Don’t ask me to follow my instincts, Miss Dazzle. It won’t end in your favor.”

Sunset swore she saw a ghost of a smile on Harshwhinny’s face. Adagio sighed loudly, slumping in her seat. “Great. The supposedly fair, unbiased teachers are judging me.”

“Nobody likes a whiner, Miss Dazzle.”

Adagio groaned like a sick cat, settling her head on the desk. Beneath their own, Sunset and Rainbow quietly bumped fists.

Harshwhinny whipped her glare to them, perhaps sensing their good mood. “As for you two, I would say I am disappointed, but that would imply a degree of expectation. I am contacting your parents and informing them of the incident.”

Sunset raised her hand. “I don’t have any parents.”

Rainbow gave a dry cough and looked away. Harshwhinny just pulled out her phone. “That is a fiction I see no reason to indulge. I fully expect Miss Celestia will take this with the seriousness it deserves.”

The two Rainbooms exchanged glances as Harshwhinny turned to make the call. Sunset whispered, “Sorry for getting you into this.”

“You kidding?” Rainbow grinned. “I wouldn’t have done anything different. Besides, my dad’s super cool about this kind of stuff.”

Sunset smiled back. “Yeah. I bet Celestia is, too.”

“Not fair.”

At Sunset’s words, Luna glanced over from the computer. The yellow teen had her bed folded out, and sulked with the covers over her head.

“Is that what Adagio said?” Luna asked with a humored tone.

“Not funny,” Sunset growled. “All she gets is a lecture from her social worker. I get punished for doing the right thing.”

Luna took her eyes back to the screen. “Sunset, attacking another student isn’t the right thing. You’re lucky you weren’t suspended.”

“And she’s lucky Harshwhinny showed up when she did.” Two yellow hands poked from the comforter and gripped the pillow. “Seriously, Celestia didn’t even listen when I said what happened to AJ. She was just ‘young girl’ this, and ‘school rules’ that, and she takes my freaking phone away.”

Luna arched an eyebrow, once more glancing to the teenage lump on the bed. “I saw you texting in there.”

“She’s in the shower now.” Sunset’s voice rolled out. “Don’t be a tattletale.”

“No problem.” With her solidarity confirmed, Luna pressed on. “Does Applejack know?”

“Yeah. Rainbow recorded our little chat and played it back for her.”

“Rough.”

“Tell me about it.” Sunset’s indignant tone softened to one of sympathy. “The girls all skipped the party to hang with her. They’re watching Tim Burton movies, chatting, spooking each other… good way to move past it.”

She paused, then went on loudly. “I should be there offering my own support, but someone thinks vigilante justice is only okay when she’s the one doing it!”

In the bathroom, the shower squeaked off and a shout replied. “That someone is a monster hunter, not a vigilante!”

Sunset’s head shot up from the covers as she shouted back. “Well Adagio is a monster!”

“Careful,” Luna said lowly.

She was ignored, as usual. Luna rolled her eyes and turned back to the game.

Plastic rustled as the shower curtain whipped to the side, with Celestia’s voice sounding out over it. “No, she’s a student!”

“She’s a social vampire!”

A dripping, robe-clad Celestia appeared in the doorway, matching Sunset’s narrowed glare. “She was wrong, but you were not right. You should have just warned Applejack.”

“And let Adagio get away with it?” Sunset snorted. “That might be your M.O., but not mine. She deserved what happened, and a hell of a lot more.”

Luna winced as things approached tailspin. Her sister had a slow-boiling anger, but she could explode like anyone else when the right buttons were pressed.

Sure enough, Celestia breathed in with a wet hiss, fists clenched and trembling as she loomed high. “Sunset Shimmer, should you be punished for all the evil you’ve worked? Two and a half years of spite, malice and greed, what do you deserve?”

“Oh, great,” Sunset snapped. “You were the one person who wouldn’t hold that against me. Thanks.”

Luna closed her eyes, contemplating putting on headphones. They were punching each other’s sore spots, each blow only adding to the anger.

“I don’t hold it against you, Sunset. But you did the wrong thing back there.”

“No, no.” Sunset waved her off airily. “You’re right. I’m being a hypocrite. I learn from the best.”

The two each inhaled sharply and kept inhaling, half-daring the other to make the next move. Luna braced in her chair, watching and mentally pleading for a truce.

“Stop,” she said, very softly.

Maybe they heard her. Both moved at once – Celestia spun on her heel and ran to the bedroom, while Sunset seized her pillow and pressed it to her face. A muffled, wordless scream came out through the padding, echoed a heartbeat later by the same from down the hall.

The overfilled lungs expended themselves over the course of long seconds, taking at least some of the tension out with them. Luna watched as Sunset deflated, raised the pillow from her head, and slapped it back on top.

A few minutes passed, in which Sunset released every breath as a dramatic sigh. Then a few more, with her just laying limply in the bed.

Finally, the pillow rustled and Sunset peeked out with a soft question. “Miss Luna? What do you think?”

Unlike Celestia, Luna didn’t believe in coddling. “Do you really want to know?”

The brisk tone made Sunset hesitate, but then she nodded. Luna shifted in her chair and looked to the clock. Ten at night – way too late for this. She rubbed her eyes, glanced to and fro, and finally nodded. “I think Adagio deserved it.”

Sunset smiled weakly, but then Luna finished. “And I think Tia was right to punish you.”

“That’s weird.”

“Welcome to Earth. Dealing out revenge might feel good, but it doesn’t solve much.”

“Yeah.” Sunset put the pillow behind her and turned, rolling back into the blanket. “Guess that’s my friendship lesson for the day.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing.” Sunset breathed a sigh. “Think Miss Celestia will forgive me?”

Luna gave a single, soft laugh. “Give it ten minutes.”

Celestia must have been downright pissed. Twelve minutes passed before the bedroom door opened, and slippered feet padded quietly to the sofa.

With the shades drawn, the only light came from Luna’s screen. She watched from the background as Celestia leaned over the mess of blankets and touched a shoulder. “Sunset? Are you awake?”

The pile shifted enough for a hand to poke out. “Yeah.”

Both of them spoke quietly. Celestia sat down on the bed, fidgeting with a pajama button. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” Sunset said. “I got mean. I’m sorry.”

Celestia reached down and squeezed the yellow hand. The hand squeezed back. They remained there for a moment until Celestia raised it to her lips, gave a soundless kiss, and settled it back on the bed.

She departed without another word. A moment later, Luna rose to follow.

Author's Note

-With Warhammer: Total War out last week, finishing this by Sunday was an act of will. :derpyderp2:

-Alternate title: "Sunset Shimmer Hunts Social Vampires, Too."

-Now before we start the judging, everyone remember: Applejack is a hormone-filled teenager, Sunset is a hormone-filled teenager with a paladin mentality, Celestia has zero experience dealing with children outside of school, and Luna is a touch on the socially-withdrawn side of life. They're all flawed people, muddling their way from one mistake to the next. Be gentle. :twilightsheepish:

-Speaking of Luna, she gets the next chapter title. :moustache: All by herself. Nobody else.

-Adagio is based on a true story. :twilightangry2:

-Of course AJ is gonna find a special someperson. Just got to figure out something sufficiently unusual, because that's how I roll.

The Melancholy of Vice Principal Luna

Sunset awoke as something bumped her sofa-bed. The noise of plastic chair on metal bedframe broke the silent night, followed by a soft curse from above. Sunset raised her eyes to see Luna back in place at the computer.

Frowning sheepishly, the vice principal took off her headphones. “Sorry. Not much space in here with the bed out. We really got to get you your own room.”

“It’s cool.” Sunset’s voice came out as a croak. Her phone clock read 4 A.M., but concern won out over sleepiness. She gripped the arm on Luna’s chair and pulled herself upwards. “I thought you went to bed.”

“I tried.” Luna’s eyes were back on the screen. “For about an hour, then I gave up. I still have insomnia now and then, same as Celestia with her night terrors.”

“Our big fight right before bed probably didn’t help.” Sunset sighed. “Sorry.”

Luna shrugged. “Probably, but don’t worry too hard. Like I said, it comes and goes. I have my routine for dealing with it.”

“Same as your daytime routine, huh?”

The warmth fled Luna’s voice, leaving a defensive chill. “Nobody asked you, Sunset.”

Sunset froze. Luna mentally slapped herself and spun in the chair. There was a kicked-puppy look on Sunset’s face, and a stammered apology halfway through her lips.

None of that. Luna pulled a Celestia, reaching over and gripping the girl’s hand.

“Sorry!” Anxious regret made Luna’s voice loud. She cleared her throat and went on softly. “Sorry, I just… I don’t know.”

“Nobody asked you, Luna.” The blue woman made a face, remembering Redheart’s dismissal at the Chrysalis plant. Not the first time someone said that to her, and now she passed the damn thing on.

“No worries.” Sunset gave a breathless chuckle, belying the words. “We’re both tired.”

“Don’t make excuses for me,” Luna cut in. “I get enough of that from Celestia, and it’s always bullshit.”

Sunset paused, uncertain of how to respond. Luna shook her head with a short growl and abruptly fixed her with a stare. “Let me ask: what do the students think of me?”

A softball question, all things told. Sunset answered with confidence. “We don’t dislike you. I mean, yes, you’re less approachable than Celestia, and yes, most students like her more. But it makes sense – you’re the bad cop, she’s the good cop. That’s all.”

She shuffled in the bed, guessing where Luna was going with this. “We all respect you, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Luna had already outflanked her. She glared to the side, arms crossed. “Of course. You all don’t know.”

“Know what?”

Luna grimaced, keeping her gaze on the wall. “You’ve seen it by now. Celestia cooks, cleans, rakes the leaves, maintains the house, pays the bills, and packs my lunch. I’m more her daughter than you are.”

“Hey,” Sunset smiled weakly. “She packs my lunch, too.”

“Not helping.”

Sunset nodded, yielding the point. “Okay, let’s take this one thing at a time. I thought you handled the ‘business’ purchases while her money went to the house?”

“I cut Cranky a check every month.” Luna shook her head. “He’s got all these military contacts, I would just waste everyone’s time trying to butt in. Nowadays I can just send it from my phone while my game loads.”

She clicked and dragged across her screen, sending a digital soldier to his death. “Heh. First world problems. Who the hell complains about too much free time?”

Sunset righted herself on the bed. Puzzled and worried, she tried again. “You cook. You made dinner that night Celestia worked late.”

“Hey Sunset, what would you like for dinner? I’ve got Chocolate Sugar Bombs with Marshmallows, Zero-Percent Fruit (Loops), and this raisiny bullshit Celestia bought.”

Luna looked away from her game just long enough to glower towards the bed. Sunset winced and gave a too-wide grin. “Okay, bad example. But there was that time you… um…”

“Stop trying, Sunset.”

Sunset crossed her legs Indian-style, putting her at eye-level with the vice principal. “Well. Do you want to start doing all those things?”

“You mean actually be an adult?” Another click and drag. “Yeah. Of course.”

Sunset nodded. “Help me understand. What’s stopping you?”

“What are you, my therapist?”

The jab cracked Sunset’s calm. She looked away, fidgeting with her toes. “I mean, no, but I think–”

“It’s Celestia.” Luna’s words lanced right through.

“Celestia’s stopping you?”

“Yes. No? I mean…” Luna interrupted herself with a groan and yawn, stretching her arms up high. She finally rolled back from the screen, turning to Sunset. “This has been our life ever since we moved in together. I used to get ambitious, but my cooking always sucked compared to hers, and whenever I cleaned the bathroom or whatever she’d end up having to do it over. It’s easier on both of us if I don’t even try.”

“What does Celestia think?” At this point, Sunset was stalling for time. She kicked her blank mind into gear, searching for any experience that would give her the answer.

Nothing came – she was never a genius when it came to empathy. All she had were good intentions and the will to pound on any problem until it caved.

Hands on her knees, Sunset watched Luna’s mouth as she talked. “Tia? Come on, Sunset, you’ve met her. She does it all with a smile. Like the perfect mother. She’d be married with inevitably-adorable kids by now if she didn’t have me latched to her ankle.”

“Don’t say that,” Sunset said.

“It’s true.”

“So we’ll make it better.” Sunset swung her legs over the bed, green eyes gleaming. “Let’s start tonight. She wakes up at six, that’s plenty of time for us to make a good breakfast.”

“I can’t cook anything fancy,” Luna grumbled. She made to scooch her chair back to the screen, but Sunset’s foot stopped the movement.

“Bacon and eggs,” Sunset said. “I can show you how. Rainbow once told me bacon means ‘I love you’ in an ancient human language.”

Too mopey to appreciate the joke, Luna crossed her arms. “It also means ‘I hate your arteries.’ Besides, any idiot can fry meat.”

Luna reached for her keyboard, but Sunset’s foot slid the chair even further away. “So we’ll make something fancier.”

“I don’t know anything fancier.”

Sunset chuckled. “Miss Luna, there are a lot of great things about Equestria, but Earth has the internet. We can look up whatever recipe we want.”

Luna looked away. “Any idiot can follow a recipe, too.”

“How do you think they learn to cook?” Sunset spun the chair to face her, feeling no resistance from Luna. “Besides, cooking for someone is more than just food. It’s a message that says, ‘you’re worth it,’ to Celestia. And it’s a message to you, too: ‘I can do this.’”

“You are such a damn pony.” Luna laughed as she said it. She yawned again and turned the chair back to the screen, still grinning. “Alright, give me a hand with this. We’ll netsearch ‘fancy breakfast’ and go from there.”

They settled on a breakfast quiche, a plan only slightly complicated by their lack of ingredients.

“We just need milk and onions, right?” Sunset already had one arm in her jacket. She bent low to tie her boots. “They should have both at the corner mart.”

“Whole milk,” Luna clarified. “And, um… Sunset? I’m not going to go all Tia on you, but I’m not sure a seventeen year-old girl should be going out on her own in the middle of the night on Halloween.”

Sunset gave a distracted wave. “It’s cool. I have my gun.”

Luna blinked.

Then shrugged. “Oh. Okay.”

It was unseasonably warm for an early November morning. Probably one of the last good nights left in the year. Still, it was definitely cool enough for Sunset to don gloves and earmuffs before leaving, as well as setting her pace to a brisk jog.

Not even the first rays of sunlight could be seen, though Sunset didn’t mind. Even as a filly, the dark held more fascination than fear for her. The mindset served her new role well: yes, there were very real creatures that preyed in the darkness. Those creatures had a predator, though, and her name was Sunset Shimmer – bad-ass hunter.

A banging trashcan nearly sent her flying out of her skin. She frantically pawed at her holster, and stopped when the meowing emerged.

“Nobody saw that,” she mumbled. Of course no one did. No one here but Sunset, the cat, and the stranger in the heavy coat.

She caught herself and looked back to the receding figure. The coat and knit hat seemed overkill for the weather, but that itself wasn’t suspicious. And she couldn’t exactly call it out for wandering at this time of the night, so… yeah. No problem here but Sunset’s own nerves.

Life struck down the thought as soon as it crossed her mind. A second figure emerged as the coated one passed an alley – this one naked and bleached white, with hunched form and clawed hands. Its feet padded silently on the asphalt, carrying it towards the oblivious stranger.

Sunset had never seen a ghast before, but Celestia’s description of them had been clear. The undead husks of the gruesomely murdered, driven to eat human flesh in the vain, instinctive hope of resurrection. A weak and mindless enemy by the veterans’ standards, so vulnerable that a bright enough flashlight could burn them.

Sunset had a gun, not a flashlight. “Get down!” she shrieked, not at all trusting her aim.

Luck was with her: not only did the stranger oblige with an oddly-familiar squeak, but the ghast stopped in its tracks and turned.

Sunset’s first shot went wild. She wasn’t much for marksmanship, so she charged, firing as she went. It didn’t do anything for her accuracy, but the ghast was left with no choice but to charge back.

They hit the range where Sunset couldn’t possibly miss. She still almost did, winging a shoulder with an aim for the face. It was enough to knock the gangly creature down, and her next three went into its chest.

Paranoid, she kept her handgun pointed at the body, willing her thoughts to the fore. It looks dead. But is it? What do I know about ghasts? Luna says they go down like potato chips. Their claws aren’t that sharp, their bite isn’t poisonous, they really got to knock you down and maul you. They aren’t even stronger than most humans, so they hunt in groups and…

…crap.

Sunset wheeled, firing wildly at the white shapes behind her. Only three, and blind luck brought one of her bullets into a face. The other two tackled her to the ground and began raking her with their claws. Sunset raised her left arm to shield the face, wincing as one of the talons caught her beautiful, already much-abused jacket and ripped it right down the sleeve.

She fired upwards, realizing too late her arm was in the way. Merciful inaccuracy brought the shot only through her jacket on its way to the ghast. It flew back with the impact, tearing off a fistful of her shirt.

“Really!?” Now pissed on top of everything, Sunset rammed a left hook into the final ghast. The blow knocked it off balance and she finished it with a last two shots.

This one slumped on top of her. Sunset let it be. She stared wide-eyed into the nighttime sky, panting and hearing only the roar of her own blood in her ears.

That hadn’t been fun. Not even cathartic. She didn’t feel like the sexy action-hero hunter. It was terrifying doing this by herself, and now that she thought about it, the faculty never worked alone either. Maybe it was the same for them.

A November gust brushed through her clothes, chilling her out of the shock. A quick self-appraisal proved she at least was whole, save for a scratch on her face from the last one’s claws. The clothes were another matter – her precious leather jacket had officially gone from ‘having character’ to ‘a charity shop would throw it out.’ There was no chance of affording a new one and less chance of asking Celestia for the money, which meant a big part of her look just went down the drain.

At least the T-shirt was replaceable. It was still reasonably decent too, though Sunset zipped up the jacket. It was getting colder, and the wind bit right through her tattered sleeve. Maybe Rarity could Frankenstein it back together…

“Sunset?”

The stranger had risen from the ground, revealing two streams of pink hair flanking a yellow face.

“Fluttershy?” Surprise turned Sunset’s response into a yelp.

Blue eyes glowed with concern as Fluttershy stepped closer and helped her up with one hand, the other gripping two tiny leashes attached to hovering bats. “Are you alright? Oh dear, you’re bleeding.”

“Just a scratch,” Sunset said. “You?”

“I’m fine.” Fluttershy gave her rare, almost-assertive frown. She pulled out a handkerchief and began dabbing the wound. “That was dangerous, Sunset.”

Sunset blinked. “Um… you’re welcome? What are you doing out here, anyway?”

“Taking Mr. and Mrs. Chocula for a walk.” Fluttershy glared appraisingly at the scratch. Finally satisfied it had stopped bleeding, she took a step back and gestured to the bats. “They wanted to show off their Halloween costumes. It’s their favorite holiday.”

The bats squeaked in reply, circling low to show off the tiny red capes attached to their collars.

Cute, but Sunset wasn’t in the mood. Remembering one of Luna’s tips, she ejected her clip and began reloading. “Fluttershy, go home. You could’ve been hurt really bad.”

“I would have been fine. Ghasts only eat human meat.”

“How far away do you live?” Sunset asked, eyes on her work.

“Just a half-block.” Fluttershy started to turn away. “I’ll be fine from here. What about you?”

“Fine,” Sunset said automatically. She did watch Fluttershy’s departure, but soon went on her own way.

The corner mart was a 24/7 one, for reasons that escaped Sunset. She’d visited once or twice in the nighttime for cigarettes or groceries and had never seen another soul beyond the counter.

“Huh. You.”

The voice caught Sunset off-guard. Yawning and painfully aware that class started in three hours, she hadn’t even looked at the cashier until now – a college-age woman in plain dress clothes, with silver hair, blue-grey skin, and yellow eyes that seemed to convey anger beyond her cool expression.

Sunset knew her, but had to guess the name. “Marble?”

“Limestone,” the girl snapped, though that was how she always talked. “You’re up early.”

The words triggered a fresh yawn from Sunset. “Don’t remind m– ‘HUMAN meat!?’”

She stared out the window, and with no Fluttershy in sight, slapped herself on the side of the head. “Tirek’s teeth, I need a do-over on the last twenty-four hours.”

Limestone rolled her eyes. “Could’ve been worse. A little scratch is about the nicest thing a ghast will do to you.”

Sunset wasn’t even surprised at this point. She just gave a tired laugh. “Okay, what’s your story?”

“Werewolf hunter.” The counter gave a soft ‘beep’ as Limestone scanned the milk. “Family business.”

That clicked Sunset’s alarm back on. “Does Pinkie…?”

Limestone made a face. “No. What are you, stupid?”

“Well I wouldn’t have guessed you, either,” Sunset growled.

Limestone gave an unapologetic glance before weighing the onions. “Pinkie and Marble don’t really have the temperament. It’s me, Maude, Mom, Dad, and Granny Pie.”

“Granny Pie?”

“Technically her ghost, but yeah.”

“Moving on,” Sunset declared. “It’s just… this doesn’t seem like much of a ‘shadow war.’ Is everyone on Earth in on it?”

“Nah.” Limestone tapped a few buttons on the register. “Just feels that way when you’re in the business. Speaking of which, want some alcohol for the cut? Aisle three. Otherwise it’s four twenty-seven.”

Sunset winced as she parted with her last ten-dollar bill. “So... any werewolf-fighting tips?”

Limestone actually did smile at that, and gave a sharp, mocking laugh. “Call a professional.”

“I am a professional.” Sunset patted her holster. “Silver bullets and all.”

“Cute.” The grey woman waved dismissively. “Listen, dork, a werewolf is between three and five hundred pounds of teeth and muscle. You shoot it with a dinky nine millimeter it’s gonna punch like an inch into the flesh. It’ll hurt, yeah, because it’s silver, but then you’ve got five hundred pounds of pissed off teeth and muscle. Go longarm or crossbow or don’t bother.”

Abrasive packaging aside, it seemed like sound advice. Sunset nodded. “Gotcha, thanks. What about shotguns?”

Limestone snorted. “Slugs? Yes. Buckshot? You’ll deserve what comes next.”

Sunset instinctively raised her hand to knock as she reached Celestia’s house. She caught the action and let the hand slide down to gently push open the door. “I’m home.”

“Yep.” Luna was already dicing ham on the counter. The vice principal gave her a glance, then a raised eyebrow upon seeing the scar. “Ghasts?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d it go?”

Scary. “Fine.”

“Just get some alcohol on it.” Luna scraped the ham into a bowl and began work on the onions. “Bathroom cabinet, second shelf. Next time I’ll go with you, okay? Don’t be embarrassed.”

Sunset smiled, surprised and grateful for Luna’s perception. She nodded and stepped quietly to the bathroom, careful to tip-toe past the closed bedroom door.

The alcohol was exactly where Luna indicated, and Sunset got to work. The wound proved shallow and thin; once cleaned, it was barely visible. Hopefully Celestia wouldn’t notice.

She returned to the kitchen to see Luna at work on the crust, pausing occasionally to check the recipe on her phone. Luna shooed away Sunset’s offer to help, instead tasking her to put on some coffee. The two chatted softly over their cups, and Sunset watched with growing interest as the older woman transformed the pile of ingredients into a raw, but delicious-looking mix. Twenty minutes in the oven removed the ‘raw’ from the equation – with mitts on, Luna pulled out a steaming, savory pie of meat, eggs, and vegetables.

She set it on the oven, and together they looked to the clock. Five fifty-five. Perfect timing.

“Should I wake Miss Celestia?” Sunset ended the words with a long, slow inhale of the aroma.

“Let it cool for a minute,” Luna whispered. She stared at the finished quiche, grinning with teeth and shaking her head. “This looks so good. I know all we did was follow a recipe, but wow. Cooking’s pretty easy.”

She gave a quick little laugh. “All I needed to do was pry myself off the screen. Thanks, Sunset.”

Luna turned, giving Sunset her full attention for the first time since the cooking began. Her shining, happy gaze turned to a curious frown. “What happened to your jacket?”

Sunset chuckled and gave the arm a wave, flapping the shredded fabric. “The ghasts. It was… Miss Luna?”

Luna had begun walking away. “Go wake Tia. I’ll be right back; just gotta get something from the attic.”

“Bye, Miss Celestia! Bye, Miss Luna!”

From the sidewalk, Sunset waved her goodbye in a heavy, wrinkled leather jacket. Celestia leaned out the car window, looking quizzically between Sunset and the pastel yellow house. “You want to be dropped off here?”

“Yeah,” Sunset said. “I have to catch up with Fluttershy on something. Don’t worry, we won’t be late.”

“Don’t make plans!” Luna called out from the passenger side. “You still have detention.”

“Stop by the office afterwards, and I’ll drive you home,” Celestia added.

Sunset nodded. “Got it. See you guys later.”

“See you later,” Celestia beamed. “I lov…”

She gave a dry cough and recovered with all the agility of an iceberg. “I left the rest of the quiche in the fridge. Help yourself when you get home.”

Red-faced, Celestia gave Sunset no chance to respond. She backed up fast enough to swipe Fluttershy’s lawn and accelerated away.

“Smooth.” Luna’s droll note came once they were safely down the block. The blue woman tapped on a handheld game. “It wouldn’t kill you to say it, you know.”

The iceberg dodged again. “Thank you for the quiche. That was a pleasant surprise.”

Luna snorted and snapped the game closed. “You mean an earth-shattering surprise. Get used to it – I’m going to try to handle dinner tonight.”

“‘Try?’”

“Might not make it without Sunset to talk me into things.”

Celestia pursed her lips. “I hope she didn’t pressure you.”

“Nah.” Luna chuckled. “She just brings out my better nature, you know? Like a good-hearted little sister. I’m not going to lie: I love her, though I’m waiting for you to say it first.”

“Is that why you gave her your old jacket?”

That wiped the smile from Luna’s face. She looked evenly to Celestia, watching the pink woman watch the road.

After a few heavy seconds, Luna shook her head. “Nah. She just needed a new one, and it fit.”

“Did you tell her about the hole?”

“It’s got a lot of holes.” Now it was Luna’s turn to dodge. “She liked ‘em. Beat-up jackets are all the rage. Plus it’s heavier than her old one, so it’ll do better in the winter.”

They drove in silence for another few minutes. Then, as Canterlot High loomed in sight, Luna finished. “Of course I didn’t tell her about the hole.”

Celestia’s steady, even frown proved a mismatch for her wobbling voice. “Do you really want her wearing that memory around? I thought we were going to bury that night.”

“So did I.” Luna shrugged, palms up. “And fifteen frickin’ years later we still haven’t buried it. Not really, with how messed up we still are. Maybe it’s time to exhume the damn thing and try again.”

Celestia shook her head. “Maybe, but with Sunset here, I just want to push it down. She shouldn’t get involved.”

“If she’s joining this family, she should.”

That brought a new silence. They pulled into a parking spot, and Luna softly finished. “Family shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. Think about it, alright?”

Celestia squeezed the steering wheel, looking away. “Luna, about that night, I’m so sorr–”

“I love you, Tia.”

That at least brought the smile back to Celestia’s face. The interruption went unchallenged, and instead she leaned over and kissed a blue cheek. “Love you, too.”

In the school’s tower, the twenty-minute bell rang. The two principals dabbed their eyes, touched up their makeup in the car mirrors, and stepped out to greet the day.

Author's Note

"Get out of my way, Principal. Aria was mean to my sister, I'm gonna presume she's a werewolf and go from there."

"Of course the dumb rookie asked me about shotguns. Everyone loves those stupid shotguns because the people who actually use them against werewolves don't come back to give a negative review. They can pack a big bullet which is what you need, but you’re better off with an older firearm that has good range. The kids on the playground might make fun of my Winchester, but while I’m scoring head-shots at 200 yards, they’re taking their zombie-movie shotguns and running closer to the werewolf. You don't wanna get close to a werewolf, and that werewolf is gonna show you why. Dumbasses."

(I really like that look - maybe just because it's so unique compared to the color-vomit that is EQG fashion.)

Anyways, hello Fluttershy, welcome to the story...

Keep Calm and Love Fluttershy

It was a somewhat nonplussed Sunset who watched Celestia’s car screech away. Shrugging, she turned to her objective: the modest yellow house where Fluttershy lived. It was small for a family of four, but came off as a cozy place of warmth and love. Sunset had only visited a few times, and on each occasion left with pockets full of homemade treats and cat hair all over her pants.

She ran a hand down her sleeve, idly trying to smooth the wrinkled leather. Luna’s hand-me-down jacket wasn’t as fashionable as Sunset’s old Hemline-brand, but it was a lot more practical. Stained flannel lined the inside, giving warmth at the cost of a bulkier look. It could also zip up all the way to her neck, and had extra pockets on the inside big enough for a handgun.

Sunset was a teenager; of course she wished for her trendy, slimming Hemline back. But this was fashionably-damaged black leather, and it would do well enough for now.

Her knock on the door brought a “Meep!” from the inside. Maybe Fluttershy, but also maybe her mom or dad. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree with that one.

The door opened an inch, and a yellow face peeked out. “Um… hi Sunset.”

“Hi Flutters.” Sunset gave a little wave. “Thanks for seeing me.”

The door opened the rest of the way, revealing a pajama-clad Fluttershy. She beckoned shyly and stepped back from the door, eyes on the ground.

Sunset followed. “We have like fifteen minutes. You need to get ready for school.”

“I told them I was sick.” A soft clicking began as Fluttershy tapped her nails together. “I know it’s wrong, but I’m just so scared.”

“Of what?” Mystified, Sunset followed her to the living room and promptly stumbled as Fluttershy’s cats attempted murder via affectionate tripping.

Fluttershy paced to the other side. “Everything! You. Them. What they’ll think of me. What they’ll do to me. Ooh… I should’ve just kept my big mouth shut. I didn’t want you to be worried about me, but now I’m worried about me, and I’m worried about you, and you’re worried about you, and you’re worried about me too so I didn’t even do that right.”

She took a deep breath and turned back to Sunset, though her eyes danced elsewhere. “I’ve known for a while that you and Miss Celestia hunt monsters.”

“How?”

Fluttershy retrieved her phone from one of the end tables and tapped on it a few times. She stepped just close enough to Sunset to hold the phone out at arm’s length and show her the screen.

Sunset leaned in, and flinched back immediately because there was a Celestia-damned giant spider pictured there. The Horse-eater chased Sunset in the background, while a webbed prisoner occupied the center. One pink arm stretched out from the cocoon to take the selfie, the other raised its fingers in a victory symbol, and an explosion of darker pink hair came down around the smiling blue eyes and bound mouth. The attached text read, “Wish u were here! (jk, it’s horrifying).”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Fluttershy set down the phone and resumed her fidgeting. “I’m one of your monsters, and I hid it from you this whole time.”

“No.” Sunset grabbed Fluttershy’s shoulders. Blue eyes blinked open in surprise, finally meeting Sunset’s gaze. “No-no-no, you are not one of ‘my’ monsters. You are my very good friend, and this does not change anything. If you want to keep your…”

She floundered a moment. “‘True nature’ seems offensive. What’s a good way to say it? ‘Race?’ ‘Species?’”

“‘Species’ works.”

“Right, if you want to keep your species a secret even from me, I’m okay with that. If you want to trust me with it, I absolutely promise my lips will be sealed. I can’t honestly say how the faculty would react… but come on, I’m an alien horse and they let me off the hook. I really think Miss Celestia would be cool with it so long as you’re not going around eating people.”

Sunset’s determined look suddenly wavered. “I mean… you don’t eat people, do you?”

“SEE!?” Fluttershy pushed herself out of the hug. “You don’t trust me!”

“I do, Flutters, and I can prove it!”

Sunset pulled off her jacket and waved the empty fabric in the air. She turned out her pockets, revealing nothing but lint and lipstick. She stepped over to the end table, stumbled on a cat, and upturned her purse to show only loose change and a few brass shell casings.

“No weapon.” Sunset reached over and gripped Fluttershy’s hand. “Not even my usuals. No ‘insurance.’ No backup. I’m an unarmed teenage girl, and that’s okay because I’m here with one of my bestest friends in the world.”

Fluttershy turned the hand-hold into an embrace. “Oh, Sunset, I’m sorry. Here I was thinking you didn’t trust me, and it was me who didn’t trust you. I’ll show you, I… yes, it’ll be better that way. So you’re not left wondering.”

She gave a quick glance around the living room. “I think I have enough space. Can you close the curtain, please?”

Sunset obeyed, shutting off the window to the outside. When she turned back, Fluttershy’s shirt was already off and she had begun pulling down her pants.

“Fluttershy!” Sunset threw her arms up in front of her eyes.

“I love these pajamas! I’m not ruining them for this.”

“Can you please…”

Fluttershy gave an adorable little huff. “I’ll get a towel on, okay? It won’t matter in a moment.”

The conversation went on as Fluttershy moved to the bathroom. “Animals go around naked all the time, and they’re not embarrassed. Don’t ponies?”

“Yes, but I’m not a pony anymore.” Sunset blinked at the existential crisis she just opened, then shrugged. To be honest, she didn’t give much thought to her hybrid nature, and that suited her just fine.

Fluttershy returned, clad in white towels with her nervous expression back in place. “I’m ready. Please don’t be scared.”

“I won’t,” Sunset promised, and hoped it was true.

Fluttershy closed her eyes once more. Her brow furrowed in concentration, then relaxed… and grew.

Size was the first change Sunset noticed. A mere five seconds saw Fluttershy drop to a kneel and grow tremendously forwards, backwards, and to the sides. The yellow skin vanished to mottled grey, and Fluttershy’s face drowned in a mess of wrinkles and whiskers.

It was more than a little gross. Sunset took a long, cowardly blink, shielding her eyes from the rest of the mercifully-short transformation.

When she looked again, she startled at how much of the room was now occupied. The creature before her was six feet high and twice as long, resembling nothing so fierce as a grey, wrinkled pile of blubber with two stubby fins poking out from each side.

Wide blue eyes stared back at her, glassy with unspent tears. “Please don’t be scared.” The voice was perfectly Fluttershy’s, bizarrely squeaked by the huge whiskered mouth.

Sunset was perturbed, but not afraid. “You’re a manatee.”

“A were-manatee.”

“I need to sit down.”

With Fluttershy pressing in on the living room furniture, Sunset retrieved a chair from the dining room and plopped down on it. One of the cats immediately jumped into her lap. She rubbed her eyes, and stared blankly at Fluttershy before continuing. “It’s like… I don’t want to know how, but I kind of feel I should.”

“I was bitten by a were-manatee.”

“That’s the ‘what,’ not the ‘how.’”

Fluttershy fidgeted, which in her present form entailed wiggling impotently on the floor. “It happened when I was very young. My family vacationed in the Caribbean, and I snuck away one day to go out on a pier where I saw a bunch of dolphins playing. I slipped and fell in… I was a weak swimmer back then. I started sinking, and I screamed to the dolphins for help but they just kept on playing.”

Somehow, the whiskered mouth pouted cutely. “Dolphins are jerks.”

“They are dumb animals,” Sunset noted. She gently lifted the cat from her lap and set it to the ground.

“Did you know they rape their females? And commit genocide?”

“I think we’re getting off topic.” The words ended with an ‘oof’ as the other cat jumped on Sunset’s bladder.

The first cat rubbed itself on Fluttershy’s bulk as she went on. “I was half-drowned by the time the were-manatee found me. Its bite gave me the strength to rise back above water and breathe. We talked for a little while afterwards: he said he had been a manatee so long he forgot how to turn human, but he was happy as he was and asked me to stay with him. I told him I couldn’t, so he taught me how to manage my curse and sent me on my way.”

“The curse, right.” Sunset removed the new cat, settled back, and it returned to her lap. “Tell me how that works. What happens when the moon is full?”

Fluttershy wiggled again, voice straining with her nervous confession. “It’s very scary. I change forms, and forget all about my humanity. All I can think about is gorging myself.”

“Whoa.” Sunset leaned forward, suddenly a bit more nervous.

“But only when I’m already submerged in water,” Fluttershy finished.

Sunset blinked. “Did that ever actually happen?”

“Once,” Fluttershy admitted. “I was at a late-night swim party with Rarity.”

“Yeowch. Was everyone okay?”

Fluttershy’s head bobbed up and down. “They were surprised, but no one was hurt. I only get hungry for sea grass.”

The chair scooched as Sunset leaned back heavily. Eyes closed, she shook her head and smiled.

“You’re not scared?” Fluttershy ventured.

Sunset took a fresh breath in and looked back to the manatee. Her gaze passed over the stubby flippers and oval body, and she arched an eyebrow. “Let me put it this way: if you really wanted to attack me right now, what would you do?”

Fluttershy shifted, sending a wave of fat rolling down her flank. “Um… well, first I would change back into a human.”

“Exactly.” One palm upwards, Sunset beamed comfortingly. “Fluttershy, as weird and anticlimactic as this whole conversation has been, I can very confidently say that I love and trust you as much as I did yesterday.”

“Oh, good.” Fluttershy quivered again, this time happily. “I’d hate for you to think I was evil. Even the were-manatee wondered if I would abuse his power, so I promised him I would take the gift and use it to make to world a better place.”

A pause.

Sunset’s smile shrank a fraction as she considered, finally asking, “How…?”

“I don’t know,” Fluttershy said glumly. “Back then I thought I’d be like a superhero, but look at me! I’m even more helpless than usual. It’s frustrating… I really want to make good on my promise, but I don’t know how.”

“I’m sure you will one day,” Sunset offered, wondering if Applejack could sense the lie from across town.

At least Fluttershy bought it. Her wrinkled face creased a smile. “Yeah, I know. Um… I think I’ll go to school today after all. Thanks, Sunset.”

“No problem, pal.” Sunset grinned, and covered her eyes as Fluttershy began the only-slightly less disgusting process of transforming back.

Author's Note

(In unrelated news, thanks to the peeps who offered kind words in my last blog post. I hate to be a Nervous Nancy... hopefully it won't happen again.)

Christmas at Ground Zero

One month later.

“Tia, you passed a perfectly good place to park.”

“It was a handicap spot.”

Luna petulantly stuck out her tongue, drawing a giggle from Sunset in the back seat. They may have spent the last fifteen minutes circling the crowded mall, but the principals were giving no shortage of entertainment. Celestia had even turned down her old-people music so they could bicker properly.

“This is so stupid,” Luna grumbled. “Why are we even here? No one does their Christmas shopping at the mall anymore.”

“We do,” Celestia said primly. “It’s tradition. See the lights, the big tree, the carolers. Christmas is a season, not a one-day marketplace of gifts.”

Luna yawned and groaned with the same breath. “We could just shop online. Quarter of the time, half the price, and you don’t need to put on pants.”

“I like the mall,” Sunset said, drawing a betrayed glare from Luna. “My friends and I had kind of a falling out last December, but we had a lot of fun before and after. I’m really looking forward to getting the whole Christmas experience this year.”

Luna twirled a finger in the air. “Whoop-dee-doo. Get ready for long lines, annoying kids, adults acting like annoying kids, and an endless loop of the same five frickin’ songs.”

“There are more than five.” Sunset looked away, smiling with a memory. “Applejack had some playing at her house. She even did ‘I Heard the Bells’ on her guitar, and it was so good it gave me goosebumps.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but society has declared those songs to be offensive. Get ready for a barrage of Santa Claus, reindeer, and consumerism.”

“Huh.” Sunset tilted her head. “Are you religious, Miss Luna?”

Luna’s hands twitched around her handheld game. “Don’t get me started.”

“Then we won’t,” Celestia announced in a tone that seized the conversation. “We are changing topics.”

“To what?” Sunset asked.

Celestia’s eyes remained on the road. “To your shopping. Sunset, I know you want to buy gifts for all your friends, and you probably want to do something for Luna and I too. I’m also aware that our delightful modern society tends to measure gifts by the price tag – specifically, the fifty-to-hundred dollar price tag. Now I know your allowance doesn’t exactly cover for this, so I would encourage you to maybe treat your friends to pizza and call it your gift. And please don’t shop for us two; we’d rather you save your money.”

“Space Hero 3 looks pretty sweet,” Luna noted.

“Luna, dear, Sunset and I are talking.”

“Thanks, Miss Celestia.” Sunset gave an embarrassed little wave. “You don’t need to worry. I’ve been working the last few Saturdays and got some money to burn.”

At both principals’ questioning looks, she chuckled and scratched the back of her head. “Um, yeah. Actually at Miss Chrysalis’ mansion, I, uh…”

“Right in here, young Sunset!” Katydid Chrysalis threw open the doors, revealing a room with a heavy iron stove and reams upon reams of printed paper. “This mansion is heated by incriminating tax documents. Just keep shoveling ‘em in the stove until five, then check out at the front desk for your money.”

Sunset picked up and scanned one of the papers. “Is this… legal?”

Chrysalis swatted it out of her hands. “If you don’t read them, yeah, sure.”

“I… help clean the place up.” Sunset felt her cheesy liar’s grin appear, and thanked her lucky stars the principals had returned their eyes to the road.

Still, Celestia frowned. “So having made a little money, your plan is to go spend it immediately.”

“Well, yeah.” Sunset paused a moment, then added, “I’m seventeen.”

Celestia’s frown tightened. “When I was seventeen, I…”

Luna snapped her game closed. “Tia, stop right there before you sound incredibly old.”

Celestia paused.

The children waited. Finally, Celestia sighed and turned the wheel. “Here’s a good spot.”

Celestia checked her watch as they entered the bustling mall. “Alright, guys. Shall we move as a group, or meet back up at the food court later?”

“I’ll split off,” Luna said. She gave Celestia a sly grin. “No offense, but tis the season for keeping secrets.”

Her sister chuckled in reply. “Of course, Lulu. We’ll see you around.”

Luna’s smile grew warm as she watched the other two depart. Celestia and Sunset were in the spirit of things – laughing, greeting other shoppers, and ogling the three-story Christmas tree that dominated the mall. Crowds weren’t Luna’s thing, but it was nice to see Tia having fun.

Luna propped herself on one of the food court’s chairs and flipped open her game console. “Tis the season, alright. For getting your shopping done last month, online.”

A heavy bag was in her arms, but Sunset’s steps were light as she ran, laughing to the store map. “One six-pack of party cannon ammunition, and that’s Pinkie’s gift in the bag! Thanks for using your ID, Miss Celestia.”

Celestia followed at a more sedate pace. “You’re welcome, but Sunset? I don’t know how I feel about her owning something with an age requirement to buy supplies for.”

“I use a gun.”

“That is different,” Celestia declared, catching up as Sunset scanned the list of stores. “It is a tool for the business.”

“I guess.” Sunset shrugged, her mind more on the shopping. “Let’s see… Rarity actually wrote out a list, so she’ll be easy. Most of it I can get at the Prim Hemline outlet. Rainbow said she wanted some Daring Do action figures for her room, so I’ll need to hit the toy store. I already got Pony Twilight to send me Equestrian books for Human Twilight. I can take care of both Flash and Soarin at Cold Topic, AJ might be tricky…”

“Wait, go back.” Celestia cut in. “Flash? Soarin?”

“Flash is still a friend. And...” Sunset gave a happy little smile and fidgeted with her hair. “Rainbow’s been bringing Soarin to our lunch table. He sat next to me last time. Said I was cool.”

“Really.” A statement, not a question, and a frosty one at that.

“Yeah,” Sunset said. Her eyes abruptly shot from dreamy to wild. “Ooh, they have a Gunkitty here! We’ve got to check it out!”

Celestia peered at the name. “That wasn’t here last time. A gun store in a mall?”

Sunset grinned. “I know, right? It’s really convenient how you can find everything here. We don’t have malls in Equestria.”

“Convenient.” Celestia deadpanned the word, but laughed and caved in with one look at Sunset’s face. “Alright, we’ll go window-shop. Looks like… third floor, South hallway.

Sunset talked giddily as they made their way to the elevator. “I’ve been reading AJ’s gun magazines. Gunkitty just put out a new line of multi-colored pistol grips, and one of them is red with yellow highlights. I need to see it in real life, but in the picture it really looked like a great match for me. They have the same for holsters and belts, too. How cool is that?”

Celestia smiled blankly. Those sounded to her like overpriced replacements for functional gear, but she let Sunset have her fun.

“They also have a purple like your slacks! Wait, no, matching colors is bad, um… white! A white holster would look good on you.”

“My holster is fine. A gun is a weapon, not a toy.” Celestia gave her a sidelong look. “I think we should make a trip to the shooting range to reinforce this.”

Sunset shrugged. “I’ve been shooting with AJ.”

“That is not the same,” Celestia declared. “We need to go over some safety and maintenance skills together. You are a very responsible young woman, but it would put me at ease to make sure you’re treating your pistol with the caution it deserves.”

“I haven’t blown my foot off yet.” With a chime, the elevator opened. The pair stepped inside, making their way to the back as the crowd followed them in.

“I know,” Celestia said. “I still worry about you. If I could go back I’d have you practice and train until you were at least eighteen, especially with the gunplay. Instead you just kind of stumbled in and picked things up on the way.”

Sunset popped a stick of gum in her mouth. “No faster way to learn. How old were you when you first shot someone?”

She chewed, turning the pink candy into a sticky mess. Yellow fingers tapped her hip to the tune of the cute reindeer song playing around the mall. Christmas music was still fresh and fun for Sunset, even though Miss Luna thought little of it.

The door chimed again as they reached the third floor. The crowd began piling out.

Still no answer from Celestia. Sunset thought she just hadn’t heard the question. She wouldn’t have even looked if not for the slight motion in the corner of her eye, where Celestia stood.

Her mentor was trembling. Coarse shivers twitched through arms and fingers gone pale, weirdly synchronized at three for every gasp of air rocking her chest.

Wide with shock, Sunset’s eyes moved up. Celestia’s looked back above a calm and patiently smiling face. Surreal, given the revolt below it. Only the whitened pallor and thick dots of sweat spoke honestly.

“Whoa. Are you okay?” Sunset reached over and gripped a chilly hand.

“Fine.” Celestia’s voice hissed as though the words were squeezed out forcibly. “Fine. I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll see you later.”

With straight, wooden legs, she began speedwalking through the crowd. Sunset kept pace. “Do you need some water? Or something to throw up in?”

“I just need to pee,” Celestia lied. “Go on ahead, I’ll catch up.”

“I’m staying with you.”

Celestia raised her hand behind and to the side, pushing Sunset open-palmed on the chest. “Don’t.”

Sunset flinched, and that was enough. Celestia vanished into the press of holiday bodies. Sunset stood on her tiptoes, catching sight of the green and purple hair. If she hurried she could catch up…

“Don’t.”

Sunset’s heels clapped back to the floor and stood still.

“Way to go, Sunset.” Jostled by the moving crowd, she retreated to the railing and leaned over.

The tree was there, bright and beautiful as ever. Fluttershy said watching it helped her deal with troubles, but Sunset had no idea how.

At least looking at the ornaments gave her body something to do while her mind pondered. Is Celestia sick? No, she was fine until right then. What were we even talking about? She was going all Mother Swan on me, abruptly deciding I’m too young for this or that. Gun safety, and…

“How old were you when you first shot someone?”

“I am such an idiot,” Sunset growled. She gave herself a mental kick, albeit a gentle one. How was she to know? Maybe it wasn’t that after all, and Celestia really was sick. That seemed more likely. Try as she might, Sunset couldn’t picture calm, wise Celestia shooting someone who didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t even about ‘deserve’ – she protected people from monsters, no matter whom. Like that vampire they busted last week who was stalking Aria. Or the demon Celestia wrestled down while Sunset drew the banishment rune.

“Yeah, she just got sick.” Sunset said it. Hoped it. Wanted to believe, and so did. She pushed herself from the railing and walked to the Gunkitty, idly fingering one of the jacket’s holes.

Her Christmas spirit was more-or-less capsized, but Sunset did smile as the shop came into sight. A gun store for the fashion-conscious, Gunkitty fell exactly within her realm of interest. She definitely lacked the money for its fashionably-high prices… but hey, maybe she’d find something for Applejack.

Most stores had a bell above their door. This one activated a cheerful ‘Meow!’ as she stepped inside.

A surly, decidedly unwelcoming voice greeted her. “Hello, and welcome to Gunkitty.”

“You’re supposed to do that, ‘Meow, meow!’ thing.”

“Can it, Skittlehead!”

Sunset passed the accessory rack to find a cat ear-wearing Limestone Pie behind the counter, snapped from annoyance to anger by Rainbow Dash on the other side.

“Shouldn’t you be nicer to customers?” Rainbow snarked.

“You’re not a customer. You’re just here to drool over the guns.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Rainbow had already lost track of the conversation. “Oh, sweet, I use this shotgun in Left for Undead! Hey Sunset, you should get this for your monster hunting.”

“It’s Christmas season, Rainbow.” Sunset eyed the three-digit price tag and shook her head.

Rainbow moved on to ogle the revolvers. “Even better. Ask your mom for it.”

Not really feeling up to a debate, Sunset moved on to Limestone. “You work here now?”

The Pie sister shrugged with one shoulder. “Yeah. The corner mart cut its hours.”

“Rough.”

“Whatever. You here to buy something, or slobber on the glass?”

“Let me look around.” Sunset turned to the maintenance aisle to find two more familiar faces walking towards her.

“Applejack!” Sunset gave both a friendly and self-interested smile. Talking shop might net her some Christmas clues. “And… Trixie?”

Trixie walked past her, boxes in hand and nose in the air. “Trixie needs some glitter guns for her next show.”

“They sell glitter guns?” Sunset asked.

“Because capitalism.” Limestone walked over to the register, giving a hopeful glance Applejack’s way. “You buying anything?”

“Sorry, sugar.” Applejack held up her hands. “Puttin’ cat ears on a can of gun oil don’t make it worth ten bucks more.”

Limestone gave a rare smile. “Heh. You should see our technicolor pistol grips. It’s like, double price for a brand name and color for the idiots who want red or yellow or something.”

Quietly miffed, Sunset asked, “Should you really be trash-talking your own store?”

“Eh.” Limestone accepted Trixie’s card and swiped it through the machine. “This job sucks, anyway. Besides, there’s no way a mall gun store is going to make it in the long ru…”

A whine like shrieking speakers filled Sunset’s ears. Limestone flinched along with her, then cried out and jerked her head violently to the side. Purple smoke billowed from Limestone’s eyes and she slumped on the counter, though somehow rose upwards...

No, Sunset was falling. She saw, rather than felt, her arms topple ragdoll-like to the pink carpet. Except the carpet wasn’t pink anymore; it and the world had turned purple and smokey.

Sunset wobbled her head drunkenly, trying to clear her vision. She briefly saw Rainbow twitch with her hands on her face, the same smoke leaking out through her fingers. Then Sunset’s own haze intensified, stealing the world. No sound, no touch, and now her sight faded from purple to black. Only her breaths and heartbeat could be sensed, and even those dimmed with every instant passed.

She couldn’t think. Couldn’t feel. Her mind… she saw it as a tiny candle in the smoke. She felt a warm breeze, saw the candle flicker, and

“No.”

Her breathing. Her heartbeat. The only two sensations that remained, and Sunset clutched them for dear life. Changed them. Made her heart beat faster, her breaths come quicker. Bringing cooling air against the smoke. The breeze in her mind did not kill the candle, but drove back the inky purple.

She heard a groan. Realized it was hers.

The smoke fought back. It rebuffed the breeze, and strangled the light. The candle died in a puff, leaving Sunset in darkness. The breathing, even her heartbeat. Gone.

Something replaced them, though. One thing. The feeling of her right hand’s fingers against another’s. In mind’s eye, she saw them: smaller than her own, and possessed of a cyan hue.

Another feeling appeared on Sunset’s left: her other hand gripping a rough, peach-colored one. And in front of her, gleaming from the darkness, a peach and cyan hand met.

The images glowed.

And EVERYTHING returned. The silent store became a whirlwind to her once-deaf ears, sight shined brilliantly into her eyes, and Sunset gasped and spasmed along with her two close friends. Rainbow shook so wildly that her wings flapped on their own, carrying her up to sprawl awkwardly on the counter.

“What in the Sam Hell just happened!?” Applejack was already on her feet. Her flowing blonde tail twitched around her leg, and she swatted it back. “Well I know that’s what happened, but what about the other thing?”

“Our powers… they protected us.” Sunset reached up and scratched her pony ear as it shrunk back into her head.

Rainbow leaped from the counter just in time to get one flap of her wings before they vanished. “Yeah, but from what?”

“Shadow magic.”

A crash shook the air as Limestone slammed open the display counter. She picked up a showcase shotgun, made a face, and dropped it on the floor.

Applejack knelt over Trixie – unconscious, with thin wisps of smoke creeping from her closed eyes. “Still breathin’. C’mon, Trixie, get yerself up.”

“Yikes.” Rainbow pointed to the glass storefront facing the rest of the mall. Even from here, dozens of slumped, smoking shoppers could be seen. “Hang on, I’ll go see if the other floors are affected.”

Limestone snorted up through her nose loud enough to make it a gavel. “You don’t go anywhere, losers. You have no idea what you’re messing with. Shadow magic is illusion magic, it’s–”

“A form of magic specializing in concealment, deception, and mental manipulation.”

Limestone blinked. Sunset smiled, and took just the teensiest satisfaction in proceeding with the correction. “Shadow magic is sometimes referred to as ‘illusion magic,’ though this confuses the two. While the illusion school creates images and sounds, shadow magic more-or-less mimics the effect by tricking the subject. Effectively, everyone’s been ‘tricked’ into thinking they’re asleep.”

“No one likes a know-it-all.” Limestone’s sneer failed to hide her glower.

“Knowing is half the battle,” Sunset replied.

“Speaking of which, what about you?” Rainbow jammed a finger towards Limestone. “We’re all protected by our pony powers, but why aren’t you affected? Are you the wizard?”

“No, I felt what was happening and shot myself with adrenaline.” Limestone rolled her eyes and pitched a used injection pen into the trash.

Sunset pursed her lips. “That was dangerous. You could have given yourself a heart attack.”

“Or I could have passed out and counted on someone else to save the day.” Limestone picked up another shotgun, eyed it, groaned, and tossed it down. “No thanks.”

“Fair point.” Sunset tried the other gun case, but it was locked. “At least we’re armed.”

Limestone gave a humorless laugh. “Ha ha, maybe. Most of these are display pieces that couldn’t shoot if you begged them to. Couple that with the fact that we don’t carry much standard ammo…”

“Seriously?” Sunset grumbled. “You’re a gun store.”

“No, we’re a gun fashion store.” Limestone began walking towards the back aisles. “Let’s go through the stock. There’s got to be something we can use.”

A brief search proved her right, albeit not by much. “Let’s see…” Sunset eyed the handfuls they found. “Someone has to go out with a cat-eared pepper spray bottle. Aside from that we basically have enough for one revolver, one handgun, and one shotgun.”

“Ah yes, the shotgun.” Limestone groaned. “Favored weapon of limp-dicked posers everywhere.”

No sooner did they bring their findings to the group than Rainbow snatched up the long arm. “Ooh-ooh! Dibs on the shotgun.”

“Y’all know how to use that, Rainbow?” Applejack asked, stepping in from the outside.

“Hell, yeah!” Rainbow began slamming in shells while Limestone glowered at Applejack.

“What did I say about staying inside?”

“Sorry, sugar, Ah ain’t one fer sittin’ around like a city dog.” AJ shrugged without apology. “We don’t have a clue what’s going on, ‘n playin’ duck ‘n cover won’t do the trick.”

“What did you see?” Sunset gave Limestone her choice of the revolver and handgun, then pocketed the latter.

Applejack pointed one hand up and the other down. “Same thing, all over the mall. There’s a big ol’ crowd by the Christmas tree just layin’ down next to their bags…” She shivered. “This ain’t cool. We gotta do something, and we can’t use the rainbow blast with just the three of us.”

“So we’ll find whoever did this and handle things the old fashioned way.” Rainbow grinned and cocked the shotgun, ejecting a shell from its side.

The other three stared.

“Uh… Rainbow?” Sunset gave a weak grin, embarrassed for both their sake. “You just ejected an unused slug.”

“Oh.”

Another moment of silence passed. Rainbow shook her head and glared to the door. “Alright guys, enough wasting time.” Her hands moved automatically, cocking the shotgun again. “Wait… oops.”

Sunset and Limestone groaned. Applejack held out her hand. “Gimme that.”

“Whatever.” Limestone strode past them as the red-faced Rainbow surrendered her arm. “If you’re close enough to hit with a shotgun, you’re probably dead anyway.”

Applejack’s head snapped over to her. “Hey, Ah can hit at five hundred feet with mah’n, easy.”

“Is that normal feet, or redneck feet?”

Limestone went on, ignoring the green-eyed glare. “Anyway, I hate to say it, but you idiots’ magic might come in handy. Keep tight, and remember where we are. Anyone who shoots a civilian gets what’s coming to her.”

“Agreed,” Sunset said. Applejack nodded, and the disarmed Rainbow shrugged.

The group stepped outside. Despite Limestone’s warning to stay low, they all looked over the railing and shuddered at the sight beneath. Applejack’s description hadn’t done it justice – the entirety of the holiday crowd carpeted the ground in forced slumber. Smoke from all their eyes had spread across the mall, casting the whole scene in a purple tinge. Where once the endless bustle echoed between the walls, now Sunset heard only the same reindeer song from before. It played eerily through the silent mall, and Sunset decided she did not like it after all.

“Shee-yit.” Applejack let a rare curse pass her lips. “This is way creepier than that time Sunset possessed the school.”

Sunset winced. “Thanks for bringing that up.”

“Aw, sorry ‘bout that. Ah don’t got much filter right now.”

“Simple to deal with, at least.” Limestone chewed a nail, looking to the ground floor with narrowed eyes. “This is weird. If the shadow magic’s strong enough to affect all these people, why knock them out? It’d be just as easy to make them panic or riot and cause some real damage.”

“Easier, actually.” Sunset raised a finger, unconsciously mimicking Celestia’s habit. “Shadow magic plays on perception and emotion. It’s much easier for it to turn one particular feeling to the max than suffocate everything.”

Limestone’s retort got interrupted by a cyan hand grabbing both their shirts, accompanied by Rainbow’s hiss. “Get down!”

Limestone dropped in an instant, seemingly faster than gravity could allow. One blink later, the rest of them joined her below the railing wall.

“Down there,” Rainbow whispered. “Something big.”

Quietly, the group rose to a crouched stand, just high enough to peer over the handrail. Below them, a single figure walked brazenly down the main hall between the entrance and the Christmas tree.

It was eight feet tall – nine, including the crown. Steel-black armor coated the being from neck to toe, marked with jagged, jutting crystals and a deep red cape. The spiny black and red crown formed a helmet on its head, hiding all but the smoking, glowing green eyes.

And there was a sword – deep grey, with glowing blue runes. The giant gripped it tight as it came to stand above the first shopper, halfway to the tree. In two swift moves the blade rose, point down, and skewered the body.

Applejack and Rainbow recoiled immediately, ducking back down with shocked swears. Sunset released an unsteady breath, but held firm. She watched with grim curiosity as the poor shopper’s blood ran up the sword, then the arm, and fell into the armor’s joints. The green eyes seemed to glow brighter for a second before resuming their normal hue.

Those eyes…

A storybook memory hovered on the edge of Sunset’s brain, but Limestone spoke first. “A lich.”

Then, with feeling, “Fuck.”

With silent efficiency, the being turned and strode to the next fallen shopper. Limestone ducked, and yanked Sunset down with her. “Okay, quick primer for the rookie. You basically need to take liches apart to kill them. Even that only drops them for like five years, but who cares, it’s not like we can stop him now anyway. I’ll call for backup, you losers run.”

“Oh, like hell,” Rainbow snarled. “We gotta save those people. If we have to take him apart, we’ll take him apart.”

Applejack nodded, and pointed to the mall center. “Y’all saw that big crowd by the tree. There’s gon’ be hell to pay when he reaches it.”

Limestone spat on the ground. “Yeah? What are you gonna do about it, Tex? We got like one minute before he reaches them. Stairs or elevator will be too late, and then we got to worry about not getting murdered ourselves.”

She spat again, an inch from Sunset’s foot. “Look kids, you think you’re heroes, but you’re not. Monster fighting is a clinical, strategic job where one wrong step barbecues you. Move too soon, and bam. Dead.”

“Well if we don’t move soon there’s going to be four hundred ‘bam, deads.’” Sunset hissed. “And that’s just around the–”

“Could y’all let me aim in peace?”

They looked over to see Applejack leaning over the rail. The shotgun was braced into the nook of her shoulder, and her gaze peered out over the iron sights.

Limestone gave an amused snort. “Oh, lookey here. Calamity Jane thinks this is a movie.”

“Ah got solid shot in here,” Applejack said, more into the gun than the air. “It can go the distance.”

“A dropped rock can ‘go the distance,’” Limestone sneered. “That thing is halfway down the mall. You couldn’t hit your hillbilly barn at that range, let alone a moving target.”

Applejack sniffed. “Maybe y’all stop distractin’ me, huh?”

Limestone threw out her arms, rising to the fight. “What does it matter? You’re a mile away. You’re gonna miss it. Dumbass cowgirl thinks she can–”

*THOOM*

Noise like a hammer on a frying pan shattered the air after the shot. They all saw the flash as the slug met the lich’s chest, knocking it flat on its ass.

Limestone’s jaw snapped shut beneath pink-tinged cheeks.

The lich’s breastplate was undamaged. Applejack muttered a curse and cocked the shotgun. This time she aimed high, striking the shoulder. The shot knocked off its target’s balance, stumbling the lich as it tried to rise.

“Yeah! Yeah! Eat a bag of dicks, dust-for-brains!”

Rainbow yanked the cheering Limestone back from the railing. “Super-cool, but what now?”

“We run like little bitches,” Limestone admitted with what passed for good cheer from her. She snickered as a third blast shook the floor. “But I’m thinking we can kite the bastard, get him away from other people long enough for some backup to–”

“YAIE!”

Applejack jerked back with a cry. The shotgun fell as she curled down on herself, trembling and sobbing.

“Applebloom!” The hand that held the weapon slammed over her eyes. “Oh mah God, Ah hit Applebloom!”

“For real?” Rainbow was on her feet, looking between Applejack and the lich in a panic. “Crap, he’s coming fast.”

“No, not for real.” Limestone bent and roughly pulled Applejack’s hands away from her face, revealing green glowing eyes behind. She roughly shook the country girl’s shoulder. “It’s a nightmare, Applejack. Get it together. It’s a spell, a trick!”

Purple smoke hit the four like a wave, arching over the rails to wash down on them. The lich rode it, flying into their midst before a single gun could be raised. Sunset dodged backwards from its sword, stumbling and falling from the effort. A plated fist backhanded Rainbow Dash, sending her careening across the floor.

The hand reached forward and snatched their last member up by the throat.

“Limestone!” Sunset raised her pistol, but by luck or design the held girl was in the way.

She stood as quickly as she could, knees knocking. Instinct bid her flee, courage bid her fight. But how? Her pistol seemed puny against the armored giant. But she couldn’t just abandon the others, and Limestone was turning purple…

Despair squeaked out as a desperate sob. “Oh, sweet Celestia, let her go.”

It startled. The grim green eyes blinked at her.

And it obeyed, to Sunset’s surprise. Limestone fell to the ground, sputtering and clutching her throat. The lich stepped over her without a thought, gaze fixed on Sunset.

She saw its pupils, glaring hot and red through the green glow. Magic or fear held her still, though with a burst of will she raised her pistol.

A voice came from within the crowned helm, cold and echoed like a frozen mine. “Where is she?”

“Bite me!” Three quick rounds snapped into the lich’s armor. The still-coughing Limestone twirled on the floor and slammed a kick into its plate mail shin.

Neither slowed it. Limestone bounced off with a cry, clutching her leg. A dismissive gauntlet waved down on her, turning her eyes green and face shocked.

Sunset gulped and aimed for the head. Her shaking hands delivered two shots high, then one more down into

Celestia.

“No!” Sunset took one step forward, and resisted the urge to dash the distance. Her mentor was screaming, crying from the horrible burns, with a cackling demon looming above.

The step forward turned to a panicked step back. Sunset knew the demon. Knew it well.

It was her.

“Oh, no.” She shut her eyes. “No. No, no…”

No.

This wasn’t real. But it was real. It felt so real; every instinct she possessed said it was real. It had to be.

It’s not.

Shadow magic. A trick. Sunset’s heart was fooled, but her brain knew better.

She opened her eyes, and saw her demon-self. Felt her stomach lurch and eyes water.

A trick. Nothing more. She forced herself to look past the nightmare. Focus on what she knew to be true. The mall. The lich. The visions still moved, laughed, and screamed, but now Sunset saw through them. They were no more real than the monsters in Miss Luna’s games, and the proof seized her collar and lifted her to the air.

Sunset grinned fiercely, proud in her little triumph, and kneed the armored crotch for all she was worth. Definitely more painful to her than the lich, but defiance was all she had left.

The voice spoke again – still hollow, but loud and angry. “You said her name.”

Rainbow’s raspy voice ground out around a cough as she feebly pushed herself from the floor. “Yeah! Celestia’s her mom, and if Sunset doesn’t kick your ass, she will!”

“Rainbow, shut up!” Sunset snapped, ultimately in vain. The lich’s eyes flashed without even a waved hand, and Rainbow’s glowed bright green. She folded up on herself with a quiet whimper.

A dark chuckle echoed within the armor. Sunset clutched her hands, realizing they were empty. She had dropped her pistol during the nightmare.

“So. Celestia bred herself a teenager.”

“…Within the last five years.” The lich shook its head, letting the moment of bemusement pass. “Where is she?”

Sunset hissed. “You want to see her? Watch a mirror, ‘cause she’ll be kicking your ass before you know it.”

She abruptly rocked, trying to twist out of its grip. No luck – the gauntlet only pulled her closer, and the other reached up and grabbed her face. Smoke billowed from its palm into Sunset’s head.

She braced, but the pinpoint hurricane of magic was too much. Dimly, Sunset felt herself be folded over a shoulder, and heard a soulless voice say, “Be still.” Then the purple smoke blotted them out, and she knew no more.

The texts flew hot and fast between the sisters. “Tia, I want it established for the record that you were the one who said we couldn’t bring our concealed carries.”

“It’s Christmas, Lulu.”

“Yeah, and Old King Cole is back. How are you still awake?”

Celestia swished a little bathroom faucet water and spat before responding. “It’s hard to go to sleep while you’re throwing up. You?

“I dunno, I think getting mind-controlled once taught my brain to scream ‘NOPE’ at stuff like this. Remind me to thank the Dazzlings later.”

“Really?”

“Haha, no. Anyway, I’ve already texted the others. Wanna lay low til they get here?”

Celestia’s jaw tightened. “Sombra wants souls. You saw what he did last time with a hundred, and how many are here now?”

“Fine, fine. There’s a sporting goods store right next to me, and one of those stupid Gunkitties up by you. We’re either going to save the day and look damn good doing it, or die like assholes.”

“Typical Saturday.” Celestia smiled grimly with the words. She pocketed the phone and quietly slipped from the restroom to the smoke-hazed mall.

Author's Note

Okay, so here’s your “making of” story of the day. Sombra was originally going to be complete comic relief. A conveniently-immortal baddie playing the Bowser to Cadence’s Peach, always vowing revenge against Celestia and forgetting Luna’s existence despite the younger sister’s heavy role in defeating him each time.

This plan changed with the Chrysalis chapters – she was originally going to be a very ungoofy, very serious-face villain who would beg for mercy as part of a trap. Sunset would fall for it and get her life saved by the stone-cold, always-suspicious Harshwhinny shooting the bug. A “This is how we do it on Earth, kiddo,” moment. Instead she became a lot more Saturday-cartoony, and I can’t say I regret it. Thems was fun. But I didn’t want all the villains to be anti-climaxes, so here’s Sombra with a bit more serious treatment. Hope you enjoyed, and if not, don’t worry, there’s plenty more campy action in the future.

Working title for next chapter is, “Never Cross a Mom in a Mall at Christmastime.”

Never Mess with a Mom in a Mall at Christmastime

“So… what are you getting her?”

Phone to her ear, Celestia picked her way around the fallen shoppers as quickly and quietly as she could. “This is not the time.”

Luna’s voice scoffed on the other end. “Come on, sis. We can’t double-gift Sunset her first Christmas with us.”

Celestia gave a dramatic sigh. “Fine. I’m getting her a new leather jacket so we can take your old one and burn it.”

“Wow, way to mom-block me.”

“Luna, dear, I’ll call you back.” Celestia clicked off her phone as she approached the three groaning teenagers in front of the Gunkitty. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were peeling themselves from the ground, while Limestone feebly tried to open a bottle of painkillers.

Celestia was always maternal when she had the time, but that wasn’t now. She briskly opened the cap for Limestone, then scooped up the shotgun and pistol. “How are you all still awake?”

“Pony powers…” Rainbow pointed at herself, then Limestone. “…And crazy.”

Applejack looked away. “Sunset was with us. It’s all pretty fuzzy, but Ah think Ah saw the bad guy take her.”

Celestia accepted it with a nod. “Thank you. I’ll get her back.”

Limestone began wobbling to her feet, one hand clutching her head. “Hallelujah, another professional. Listen Celly, I think the asshole grabbed Sunset to use against you. So here’s my thought: you call him out in a nice, obvious spot, with AJ up top with the shotgun. She blows off the head, we win. She doesn’t, he turns to her and I charge him from the other side with a fire axe. Sound good?”

“No,” Celestia said primly as she gave the weapons a once-over. “You three are going to get to safety. I have to think about rescuing Sunset, I cannot be watching over you at the same time.”

Limestone flinched, scowling. “You don’t have to. I’m saying we should all work together.”

Celestia shook her head. “And I am telling you to leave. You two are my students, and Limestone, your grandmother would kill me if anything happened to you.”

“Hey, I’m nineteen, I can do what I want.” Limestone staggered, and fell to one knee. “Just give us a sec. You need all the help you can get.”

“No, I need to focus. Something that I can’t do with you all in the picture.” Celestia brushed past them, heading for the stairs. “Stay low, and get out fast.”

Limestone’s jaw worked soundlessly. She glared towards the stairs for a full minute after Celestia departed, knuckles white and trembling against the floor. Her face contorted across a spectrum of enraged expressions before she exploded.

“Did you see that!?” She shouted in a shrill whisper. “That bitch just blew us off like a bunch of idiots!”

Rainbow and Applejack shared a look before the latter responded. “So what now? Ah’m… out of ideas. Mah last one didn’t end up so good.”

“What, the shot?” Limestone picked her nose and flicked the prize off her thumb. “That was awesome. Two feet higher and we’d be celebrating at Denny’s by now.”

A cyan hand punched AJ playfully on the shoulder. “Yeah, so none of this moping around business. I’m gonna help save Sunset. Who’s in?”

Applejack raised her hand meekly, and Limestone nodded. The grey girl gave a nasty grin and hauled herself to her feet. “At least the old lady left us the revolver. You take it, cowgirl.”

The unexpected concession didn’t raise Applejack’s mood. “Ah don’t know about this. We don’t got a plan, or any real firepower…”

“We got our brains.” Limestone rapped her own skull hard enough to hurt. “I know where they keep the fire axes. I’m also pissed the hell off, and that counts for something against shadow magic.”

Rainbow nodded enthusiastically, hopping to her feet with only a slight quiver. “And I’ve watched, like, every Scooby Doo episode. So come on, AJ, let’s go be heroes.”

“I’ll buy you dinner afterwards,” Limestone added, then averted her gaze.

Applejack chuckled and accepted a blue hand’s aid to stand. “Alright, Ah’m in. Let’s figure ourselves a plan.”

Sunset had gotten drunk once in her life. An unsupervised party right after she broke up with Flash, and the crushing, draining hangover convinced her to never indulge again.

At least one good thing came of it: the sensation now pounding her brain was a familiar one, letting her resist the urge to close her eyes and cry.

Squinting against the dim, too-bright lighting, she came awake with a feeling of pain in her arms and weightlessness in her legs. A quick appraisal showed her to be hanging above the ground floor, her wrists chained to the second story’s railing by thick, medieval manacles. She was by the raised section in the mall’s center… and there was the lich. It ignored her, seeming to stare with fascination at the ornaments on the tree.

Sunset’s brief effort against her chains brought its attention, though not its gaze. “Frivolity. Idleness. Waste.”

A plate mail hand reached out and crushed a suspended glass angel in its grip. “When Sombra is king, there will be no more.”

The lich turned to Sunset, seemingly darkly amused as she shouted and kicked. “Goes to show how little you know. Christmas gives us a chance to make time for each other, and that’s never a waste! A time to show our loved ones how much they mean to us. A time to inspire charity, and–”

A solid, hollow WA-CHUNG interrupted her as a baseball collided with the side of Sombra’s helm. Sunset shrieked and jerked to the side as the ricochet shot past her.

“Sorry, Sunset.” Luna’s dry voice accompanied footsteps down the causeway. “We’re not turning this into a sappy holiday special.”

She approached brazenly down the empty halls, wearing a looted backpack and Canterlot Sunbeams baseball cap. One blue hand gripped a metal bat, while the other tossed up a baseball.

Luna shrugged at Sunset’s bemused expression. “I work with what I got.”

Her bat slammed the ball in one lightning motion, sending it barreling towards Sombra. The lich didn’t even try to dodge – he took it on the breastplate without a wince.

A twinge of annoyance crept into the voice. “Be gone, and fetch Celestia. She and I have a score to settle.”

“There were literally five of us last time,” Luna growled, batting another ball his way. This one went wild and slammed through the ornaments. “But no, it’s always ‘Celestia, Celestia, Celestia.’ It’s the legs, isn’t it? Well guess what, pal, I’m her sister. Why not come try and capture me too, huh?”

A deep chuckle oozed from Sombra’s armor. He held out his sword, and grey smoke engulfed it.

“Sombra only needs one hostage.”

The smoke grew, twisting and shaping to mimic his form with the clouded sword in hand. It spread left to right and repeated the process, then spread again and again until a dozen smoke-soldiers stood before him. They shuffled rapidly around each other and began a slow advance on the vice-principal.

Luna twirled her bat like she was at the plate. “Oh, I get it. One of them has the sword, but I don’t know which. Real cute.”

“Well, GET BENT!” Luna threw the bat overhand, sending it twirling through one of the forms. The smoke blasted apart, and she drew a hockey stick from her bag. She backpedaled as the remaining foes closed the distance, skirmishing and swiping at their wispy blades.

With Sombra distracted, Sunset again tried to wiggle free. She had made no more progress than before when a voice from above shushed her.

“Stop. Don’t draw his gaze.”

Sunset looked up to see Celestia peeking down at her from over the railing. Her long fingers picked at the old manacles, easily flipping open their latch. “I’m only going to undo one of these; hold onto it so you don’t fall. I want his attention fixed on Luna.”

Sunset nodded, and felt her arm slip down as the binding broke. She quickly reached up and seized the chain, keeping her position unaltered.

A second glance upwards showed Celestia was already out of sight. She reappeared a few yards closer to the tree, one hand gripping the rail.

Sunset blinked and almost lost her hold at what came next. Celestia flipped, her hand guiding the motion to twirl her over the railing wall. The Gunkitty shotgun was in her other hand, and her bare feet silently led the way as she touched down to the first floor.

The lich king still faced away, towards Luna. Sunset held her breath as Celestia crept up behind him. The armor had already shown itself proof against the shotgun, but that was at long range. If Celestia could just get close…

Sombra didn’t look. But his hand waved, and Celestia froze with bright green eyes and a cut-off shriek. Her crouched advance turned to a horrified stand, the weapon limp in her grasp as Sombra turned around.

“So!” Triumph entered the hollow voice. “My old enemy has graced me with her–”

The bark of a revolver broke his words, followed by the now-familiar clang of lead on steel. Sombra whipped from Celestia with a growl, and Sunset took her gaze up to see Applejack leaning over the opposite railing.

An armored hand clenched. “I will crush you like a–”

“Surprise, douchebag!”

Limestone burst through the Christmas tree a half-step behind her voice, axe in hand and crazed grin on her face. Rainbow Dash followed, crouching low with a cat-eared pepper spray bottle.

Sombra had only half-turned by the time Limestone reached him. A broad swing connected her axe with the crowned helm, sending it flying from his head to reveal a grey, handsome build beneath the glowing eyes. He snarled, then cried out as Rainbow deposited a point-blank spray into his face. The eyes scrunched closed while Limestone twirled the axe around for a swing at the neck.

The foe was blind, not immobile, and a plated arm blocked the strike. The wooden handle of the fire axe shattered, and the other arm swatted Rainbow back.

Sunset released the chain. She tumbled into a run as she hit the ground, charging towards the melee with no better weapon than her manacles, and no idea what to do. She just knew that if she didn’t do something…

Black bolts whipped out from Sombra, accompanied by a roar made savage from his pain. Sunset yelped as one connected with her, though it passed through like an angry shadow. Her heart went cold and she collapsed to the ground, pale and shivering.

She tried to stand, and her legs refused. Even lifting her head brought needles down her frozen neck, but Sunset forced it upwards. Limestone and Rainbow were similarly dropped, and there was no sign of Luna or AJ. Only Celestia yet stood, still slack and green-eyed. She stared blankly past Sombra as he turned and advanced once more upon her.

With his helmet off, the deep echo departed Sombra’s voice. “A pathetic ploy. Is this really the woman who once matched me blade to blade?”

Luna’s voice screamed at him from a distance, over the sound of a sword on a hockey stick. “She just did it to distract you! I took the shot!”

Sombra ignored her. He bent down above Celestia, grinning wickedly. “I’ll wait ‘til you rouse. You shall know who bested you at the end.”

His hand settled on her shoulder.

Celestia’s tightened around the shotgun. It whipped up, slamming Sombra on the temple and knocking him to the ground.

Celestia twirled the gun into a firing position. Her eyes still flamed green, but now a wild grin replaced the look of shock. She screamed, “You call that a nightmare!?”

*THOOM*

The shell blasted Sombra’s face. Dust and papery skin flew apart, exposing an obsidian skull beneath. Sombra roared and raised his hand, calling black shadows into its grasp.

Celestia’s second shot ruined both the spell and the gauntlet. She cocked the shotgun as she charged, and her third round blew the black skull to smithereens.

What was left of Sombra fell. Weirdly, it did so without a sound. The heavy armor burst apart as it struck the ground, turning to a thousand grey wisps of smoke. They twirled and lashed serpent-like at each other as they rose, spreading and fading until nothing remained. No dust, no noise… and now, the purple smoke vanished from the shoppers’ eyes.

Sunset watched as, with the flurry of violence done, Celestia grew still. The green light remained in her eyes, and she seemed to watch their dream with a sad frown.

Celestia closed her eyes, bringing the hiss of a pinched-off flame. Then she opened them, their white and purple returned, and looked to Sunset. Celestia smiled softly, and took her first step closer when a Luna-shaped projectile slammed her with a hug.

“God DAMN, you like cutting it close!” Luna laughed and swore at the same time. “And what’s with the kids?”

“I’m nineteen,” Limestone shouted from the floor, then grimaced as her words emerged a hoarse whisper. She folded up on herself and resumed shivering.

Celestia shook her head and gave a tired sigh. “I told them to leave. Luna, we need to figure out cleanup.”

“I already got Cranky on it.”

Celestia groaned as she walked over to Sunset. “Why do you always delegate to Cranky?”

“Because he’s the only one who listens to me.” Luna shrugged, and also turned to their fallen ward. “How you feeling, Sunny?”

She went on as Sunset opened her mouth. “Nevermind, you feel terrible. That was a Shadow Bolt – yes, ha-ha, funny coincidence. It sort of attacks your life force, which is why you’re all cold and paralyzed right now. Good news, that part will pass in a minute. Bad news, shadow bolts kick the shit out of your immune system. Get ready to catch the mother of all flus.”

“Joy,” Sunset managed.

Luna shrugged again. “You’re not dead.”

“Luna!” Celestia chided, then knelt down next to Sunset. “You were very brave.”

The prone teen gave a snort and looked away. “I was very useless.”

“Because of you, he became fixated on revenge. His downfall.” Celestia’s hand guided Sunset’s face back to her. They smiled at each other, and Celestia continued. “And as he was fixated, he stopped murdering people. Things didn’t work out as you planned. But things didn’t work as Luna or I planned, either. You saved many lives this day, and that is not useless.”

The pair embraced. Luna smiled, and Limestone mimed gagging.

The ground shook as an explosion rocked the mall. The front doors ripped from their hinges and fell, revealing several figures posed in the entryway. There was Redheart, a grenade in each hand, and Cheerilee with her shotgun. Cranky crouched low beneath his army helmet, while Harshwhinny pointed her revolver down the hall. Professor Whooves appeared to have stood too close to the blast and hurriedly picked himself up and scowled in a vain show of intimidation.

Others were there, too. Sunset recognized Pinkie Pie’s mom and dad, both peering out over Winchesters. And there was her weird sister Maud, hefting a pickaxe easily twice her shrimpy weight. A translucent old woman hovered behind them, who cracked a grin upon seeing Limestone.

A huge figure barreled before them all, his shout carrying loud above the whirring chainsaw. “WHEN THE LICHES COME BACK, IRON WILL STARTS HIS ATT…”

His steps slowed, then stopped. Iron Will let the chainsaw gutter as he looked around. Finally setting eyes on Celestia, he blinked and gave a wave. “Hi, guys. Where’s the lich?”

Author's Note

More coming this weekend.

Long Live the King

Sombra recovered.

He always did. He always would, so long as his Soul Jar remained safe. It was his life, separated and sealed, kept from the hereafter by an old magic which dark things had brought into the world.

The ancient memories were dim. Perhaps the warnings were right, and he forgot something of himself with each resurrection? No matter – he remembered it still, his conquest of those dark things. Men had heaped titles upon him that day: holy, crusader, champion.

Fools! He was always evil, no matter the prayers he lied.

He had been a knight, then king by conquest. He would reclaim it all. Become king – become emperor of kings! – as was the right of the strongest. The right of Sombra.

Sombra recovered. He could feel the warmth of the world. In his blinded eyes, he saw light.

It was all wrong. Sombra felt thin and exhausted beyond measure. His thumb brushed his forefinger, and they both crumbled as though made of dust. He could feel his armor crushing his body in the same way, only held aloft by the grim magic of his pride.

Too soon. His body should take years to regrow, not… days? Hours? Impossible to say, but never in a thousand years of undeath had he felt so weak.

He squinted, trying to see through his blindness. The light… there should be no light. He should rouse in his hidden tomb; not here, wherever this was.

Helpless, Sombra could only wait as his senses rallied. He felt hard stone floor beneath his greaves. Distant chatter could be heard, though not understood. The white in his eyes faded to match the dimness of the room, and he saw the murky green of the walls around him. Bookshelves and plaques checkered them, but they were not of interest. Nor was the massive desk, or the woman seated behind it in a huge and gold-lined chair.

But a small jar sat in the woman’s grip. The clear crystal jar with its red fluid that thrummed with Sombra’s life… that got his attention. He now saw the ropy, twisted purple magic flowing from her hand to the jar, fueling his return.

Perhaps making a point, the woman had brought him back without his crown. No matter – a king was a king, crown or no.

Far from a victorious smirk, the woman’s face was a stern frown beneath too much lipstick. She asked in a matching voice, “Can you hear me?”

Sombra said nothing, for he had nothing to say to her. Yet some twitch must have given him away, for she went on. “I have a deal for you, Sombra.”

Had he the strength, he would have struck her down that very moment. He was a king. A king must be addressed as such, and a king does not ‘deal.’

But a king must also see reason, and her grip on his Soul Jar was very tight. So he tilted his head and let her speak on.

“You and I have much in common. We both stand above the rabble. We both wish for a world where fools know their place, and have the…”

She gave a theatrical yawn, curling her lips back from their oversized fangs. “…Ability to see things through the long term. Not just the ability, but a mindset beyond common bloodsuckers and tomb-tenants. We are superior folk, and I wish to pool our strength.”

The woman scowled as Sombra gave a single, mocking laugh. “To what end?”

“Short term?” The vampire leaned over the desk, causing her eyes to vanish behind her glasses’ glare. “Triumph against a mutual foe. Celestia, of course. The one who has beaten you… four times?”

“Three,” Sombra snarled.

The woman shrugged, idly rolling the Soul Jar in her hand. “We work together. Kill her, and kill all her minions. Beyond that, you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“You seek to make a shield of me,” Sombra sneered. “A ward against your foes, to be hung up at battle’s end.”

The Soul Jar stopped rolling in the woman’s hand. “Perhaps, but there are always other battles.”

Sombra gripped the edge of the desk, feeling his reformed fingers crumble once more. “And only one King of Kings. Who is neither your shield nor your lackey.”

“The world has changed.” She spoke sternly, like a lecturing teacher. “You think of kings like men on horseback, but that is the past. Modern kingdoms are made of stock options, influence, and reputation. There is room for many kings in one city, and you could yet be a great one.”

“Beneath you,” Sombra noted.

The vampire’s soft blue hand twitched around the jar. “As I said… ‘influence.’”

Her chin rose, bringing her flinty pink eyes into sight. “There are two things in this world, Sombra: things I can control, and things to be crushed. Serve me, and you will rise to greatness. I’ll show you how to make it in this pitiful modern world, and you’ll get the power and vengeance that is your due. You will crush Celestia, and become a king beneath me alone.”

“Sombra does not serve,” he growled.

The vampire’s thick lips tightened. “Sombra does not have a choice. You will serve, profit and rule, or face oblivion. Which shall it be?”

He glared. He bared teeth and even snapped, and the cold woman remained still.

Sombra was evil. He always had been, and never pitied the fools who thought otherwise. A thousand years had only sharpened his ambition, his single-minded need to conquer. To cast down the world’s heroes and bring a new age of royal darkness.

It would come to pass. It must, for that dream was his everything. Surely, it was worth the bargain? Visions of lies and treachery danced in his mind. Of accepting this vampire’s foul offer with the full intent of betrayal. Perhaps a minion might snatch his soul from her, or he might strike suddenly one day as she turns her back.

The grand, dark dream… it was still within his grasp.

All he had to do was prostrate himself before this woman.

Sombra drew a breath. It was a willful gesture, for he no longer needed to breath. But he wished to, and so did. He held it a moment, thinking. Reminiscing. Battles and kingdoms, won and lost. The old and sharp ambition, ever close enough to brush his fingers, yet too far to seize.

Sombra was evil. But he was an old, proud kind of evil, and so made his choice.

His mailed fist slammed to the desk, and his last deep breath left in a roar. “SOMBRA DOES NOT SERVE! SOMBRA IS KING!”

The woman gave a slight, cruel smirk as she squeezed the jar. The ancient crystal shattered in her grasp, and Sombra knew no more.

Author's Note

Divided from the next chapter for DRAMATIC EFFECT.

We might not have it all together, but together, we have it all.

Luna began her yawn as she pulled into the garage, and barely finished by the time she walked out. Sunset’s flu was a gross, noisy one that hadn’t been easy on any of them.

“Sorry I’m late,” Luna called dully as she pushed open the kitchen door. She paused as she came in, listening towards the bathroom. Good – no sound of moaning, flushing, or bodily noises. Finally.

Celestia nodded at her from the stove, sans makeup. “How was your day?”

Three hours of sleep and handling both their workloads had made for a terrible one, but Luna held it in. “Fine. How’s the kid?”

Celestia turned back to her cooking. “Much better. She ate a little cereal around noon, and hasn’t thrown up since. She’s in bed watching cartoons right now.”

“Which cartoon?”

“Um…” Celestia smiled blankly. “I don’t really know. Something about fusions, and Crystal Gems?”

“Good choice.” Luna dropped her purse on the counter and sidled up next to Celestia. The woman’s tongs hovered over two sandwiches sizzling in a pan, while her other stirred a bubbling pot of red liquid. Luna took a sniff: tomatoes, and…

Realization clicked. “Grilled cheese and tomato soup.”

Celestia flipped one of the sandwiches. “She said she was feeling hungry.”

“You are making her grilled cheese and tomato soup.” Luna repeated the fact, then shook her head. “You know… give me a sec. This is overdue.”

She strode over and leaned through the doorway to the living room. The sight there was a good one – Sunset was pale, but no longer green, and the bucket she spent the night gripping had been replaced by her phone. She looked up and paused the cartoon as Luna gave a hurried wave. “Hey, Sunset. Excuse us, I got to talk to Tia about a student.”

She closed the door as Tia asked, “Which student?”

“The one in the living room.” Luna folded her arms and looked away. “I found a few things online today. Adoption forms, where to send them, that whole thing.”

“Not you, too.” Celestia pointedly fixed her gaze on the food. “I do not appreciate being pressured into it.”

Luna groaned. “Look, this song and dance was funny at first, but now it’s kind of sad, and probably unhealthy. Why don’t you adopt her?”

“Isn’t it my choice?” Celestia replied airily, flipping the other sandwich.

Luna threw out her arms. “Of course it is, and you’ve already made it. You are literally cooking her the momiest dish in existence. Yesterday you held her hair while she puked, and while she was asleep you tried to crack her phone’s password to see what she’d been texting Soarin. Then there’s the driving practice, the homemade brownies…”

Celestia arched her nose. “You made brownies the second time. Why don’t you adopt her?”

“You remember my bird?”

That caught Celestia. “I blame myself,” she said, lowering her head.

“See, you should blame me because I’m an adult, but we won’t touch that right now. The point is I can’t take care of a parakeet, let alone a teenaged magic pony girl. But you can, you are. You’re thinking about her future. Her feelings. Her frickin’ nutrition. And not in a ‘Oh, you poor, special snowflake’ way, but in a way that has her build off what you give her. You’re already her mom in every way that counts, so why not make it official?”

“Why make it official?” Celestia asked back. “What difference does it make?”

Luna pointed to the door. “It’s not for you, it’s for her. It’s the difference between ‘crashing at Miss Celestia’s place’ and coming home. It’ll tell her for sure you won’t slam the door one day, and that you’ll be there for her even after she moves out.”

“She’s been independent all her life.” Celestia gave the pot another stir as its first bubbles emerged. “She’ll be eighteen in March. Doesn’t it seem a little silly to adopt someone three months before they become an adult? Would she even want me to?”

Luna gave a snort. “We both know turning eighteen doesn’t make you an adult, and ‘independent’ is a bullshit word for ‘orphan’ at her age. You’re feeding me excuses, and I don’t get it. We can all see she’s the new apple of your eye.”

Celestia whipped around, facing and pointing directly at Luna. “She is not. My apple has always been you. You’re the most important thing in my life, and you must never forget that.”

Luna slapped her face. “Oh God, this is about me.”

Celestia didn’t deny it, instead turning back to the stove.

Luna laughed without mirth. “It is! Tia, I… I know I’ve done a shitty job proving it, but I’m not thirteen anymore. I’m not going to get jealous. I told you, I love her! I… look, let me tell you what I’m getting her for Christmas. I’m wrapping some stupid jewelry, but the real gift will be my display room. All those collectables and action figures and shit are going in the attic, and then we are getting her a God-damn real bed to put in there.”

“That’s your ‘you’ room Luna.” Celestia pursed her lips. “I don’t want you to have to give it up.”

“I don’t ‘have’ to,” Luna insisted. “I want to make room for the third member of our family. She’s already part of it; you can admit that much, can’t you? That she’s family?”

“Yes.” Celestia nodded, eyes on the soup.

“Honestly, I’d adopt her myself if I was half as mature as you.” Luna chuckled, shrugging her arms. “So now that that’s cleared, what do you think?”

“I think I love her very much.” Celestia took a breath, looking briefly to the ceiling before going on. “I want what’s best for her, and that’s not me.”

She shook her head and flipped the sandwiches back over. “She deserves better. A house big enough for some privacy. A stable family, with a mother and father to care for her.”

Luna blew a stray hair to the side. “Yeah, and a flippin’ dog in the yard, too. There’s no happy valley suburban family out there waiting for her. It’s you, or nothing.”

“I know,” Celestia said softly. She lifted one of the sandwiches and peered beneath – crispy brown and yellow, above and below. With a brief smile, she set it and a bowl onto a plate, then poured half the soup into the bowl.

Luna’s eyebrow went up as Celestia repeated the process with a second plate. “I thought you didn’t eat grilled cheese?”

“I don’t,” Celestia replied, and before Luna knew it the plate was pressed into her hands. She looked down in befuddlement as the mouth-watering scents drifted upwards.

“Didn’t I say I’d be home late? I figured I’d just order a pizza or something.”

“This is better,” Celestia declared with a knowing smile. She fished the orange juice from the refrigerator and filled up a glass.

Luna had already taken her first bite of the gooey, still-hot and delicious sandwich. “But how’d you time it so well?”

“Sibling telepathy.” Celestia chuckled at Luna’s smirking glare. “You legally have to leave the school by seven, and with both our workloads there was no way you were getting out before then. Seven o’clock plus ten minute drive equals now.”

Luna took another bite, knowing she should savor the food but unable to resist swallowing it half-chewed. She released a blissful sigh and grinned. “I’m jealous, but grilled cheese really takes the sting out of it.”

The grin fell. She set the plate down and poked Celestia on the shoulder. “Seriously: Best mom.”

Celestia gave a gentle laugh as she picked up the other plate. “Thanks, Lulu. Can you get the door?”

Luna closed the dining room door behind Celestia, giving her privacy with Sunset. A hint, perhaps.

Perhaps not. Subtlety was never Luna’s strong suit; but neither was empathy, and she had read things out the way they were. Luna was right. All self-doubts aside, Celestia was the best option Sunset had. It was her, or nothing.

It would never, ever be nothing. Even without anything official, Celestia would be there for Sunset. This wasn’t a ‘kick her out when she turns eighteen’ arrangement. Celestia had already started looking at colleges, loan programs and scholarships. She had also begun gently probing Sunset’s ambitions, though so far all that yielded was, “Bad-ass monster hunter.” Celestia would be her mom in all the ways that count, so why make it legal? Why go through the paperwork, the awkwardness, the risk of alienating the girl if she was against it? What was wrong with what they had now?

Luna’s words rattled in her brain, trying to find a place. ‘Do it for Sunset,’ but wasn’t Sunset happy? Did things really need to change? Celestia wouldn’t treat her differently if they ever made it legal. Adoption was a slip of paper, nothing more. Nothing magical. Nothing would change, so why do it?

The answer eluded her in that brief moment of thought. She came to Sunset with food in hand, and entered the present once more. “Still hungry?”

Sunset’s wan face snapped up from her phone. “Oh, yeah.”

The skinny girl heaved herself from the puddle of blankets to a seated position. She shivered immediately and drew the covers back around her, drawing a tut from Celestia. “Take it slow. You’re still sick.”

“Sorry,” Sunset croaked. She coughed wetly and went on in a more normal voice. “It’s just the chills and a little queasiness now. I feel good. Really hungry.”

Celestia set the plate and juice on a little bed tray and maneuvered it over Sunset’s lap. “One bite at a time. Your stomach might not like more.”

Sunset nodded, though her eyes glowed at the assembled food. “Oh wow, I haven’t had grilled cheese in forever. Thanks, Miss Celestia.”

Celestia’s smile twitched. ‘Miss Celestia.’ That sounded wrong today.

Sunset ignored her warning, tearing into the comfort food with the gusto of the starved. She closed her eyes and moaned with each bite, practically drinking the sandwich before moving on to the soup.

She’s changed. The thought came to Celestia along with memories of Sunset’s first dinner here, eaten with fearful politeness. A far cry from the sick, skinny girl now licking the grease off her right fingertips while tapping her phone with the left.

That was fine. This was Sunset’s home, and Celestia hoped she knew that.

Her lips thinned with a new thought. Don’t ‘hope.’ Tell her!

“Um…”

The verbal hesitation got Sunset’s attention. She pushed the now-clear tray out of the way and looked to Celestia.

The principal smiled shyly. “Can I sit next to you?”

Sunset wrinkled her nose. “I’m so gross right now.”

She wasn’t wrong. Stale sweat clung to her pajamas, though Celestia was already sitting. “I haven’t showered since this started. I’m not any less gross.”

“Then yeah, sure.” Sunset scooched over to Celestia’s perch, and didn’t resist as a pale pink arm pulled her into a hug.

“How’s your stomach?” Celestia, asked, then winced. Stop stalling!

“Better than ever.” Sunset beamed, hands on her belly.

“Who were you texting?”

“Rainbow.” Sunset shrugged. “She’s feeling better, too.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

Celestia swallowed. “Sunset?”

The yellow teen looked to her. “Yeah?”

The pink arm squeezed a little tighter, and Celestia looked away. “This is your home. You know that, don’t you?”

“Um.” Now it was Sunset’s turn to pause. Celestia glanced over to see she too was looking away. “I do now. Thanks.”

That wasn’t the answer Celestia wanted. She bit a lip, realizing one more thing Luna was right about: this was long overdue.

Sunset fidgeted with her phone. “I guess I kind of figured. But I didn’t want to presume.”

She smiled. “It’s good to hear.”

Celestia gave an automatic smile in return. “I… should have said it earlier. I have something else to say, too.”

The smile collapsed, and again she looked away. “But before that, there’s something else. The elephant in the room. I know you’ve seen it, with the nightmares, and what happened in the mall. You have to be wondering.”

“Yeah, but don’t worry about me.” Sunset’s hand mirrored Celestia’s, reaching around to hug the shoulder. “It’s private, it’s sensitive, and it’s none of my business.”

“It is your business,” Celestia said softly. Reluctantly. “And it is sensitive, but family shouldn’t keep secrets from each other, and I think you should know before I move on to the other thing.”

This wouldn’t be easy. Celestia drew her arm away from Sunset. Sunset followed her lead, opening the air between them.

Too late to back out. Celestia hugged her chest and faced away. She wiped her eyes – no tears. The wound was scabbed.

“I tried to kill Luna.” The words tumbled out before she was ready. Celestia squeezed her own sides hard enough to feel pain. “I shot her. I was young, and stupid, and selfish, and–”

The slam of the dining room door interrupted her, followed by Luna’s shout. “Damn it, Tia, I knew you would do this!”

Celestia stood instinctively as Luna strode up to her, still shouting. “When I said you should tell her, I did not mean the ‘Everything is Celestia’s Fault Forever’ edition.”

“You were thirteen!” Celestia spread her arms, rising to the fight.

Luna threw her own arms out. “And you were seventeen! You weren’t an adult either, so stop acting like you had any control over what happened.”

Celestia hissed. “Well I had control of the trigger, and look where that–”

“Girls!”

The sisters startled and froze, both from the volume and the fact that it came from Sunset.

With the assertive shout done, Sunset shrank back into the covers. “Stop. I don’t need to know.”

“You totally do,” Luna said lowly. She traded a glance and soft smile with Celestia.

Celestia gave a firm nod. “This is overdue, Sunset. You need to know… who your family is.” She shrugged, giving what she hoped was a reassuring look. Sunset nodded back, seeming to steel herself.

Luna tapped one finger across two. “Alright, first thing’s first: keep in mind this happened a long time ago. It was super bad, but we’re both over it.”

“Which is why you can’t sleep apart,” Sunset noted.

“It doesn’t affect our daily lives,” Celestia offered with her best ‘pleasant principal’ smile.

“Yeah, so shut up.” Luna stuck out her tongue at Sunset, drawing a chuckle. The levity passed, and she went on. “Rewind eighteen years. I’m thirteen, Tia is seventeen. She’s a hippie two decades too late, but she’s hot and wacky so everyone likes her. I’m a friendless introvert addicted to videogames, and there were also some differences from the me of today. I had more pimples than skin, and had the ‘Oh, waah, nobody gets me’ teenager mentality turned to fifty.”

She jerked a thumb to Celestia as the older sister opened her mouth. “And before Celestia blames herself for not trying to help me, she did. It’s just that singing ‘Let it Be’ to a preteen who hates the world isn’t exactly the pinnacle of child psychiatry.”

Celestia closed her mouth. Luna continued. “So, I met this guy. At the arcade, I think. College-age, rode a motorbike, cool as coke. Spoiler warning, he was a vampire. He called me his beautiful girlfriend, and I was dumb enough to believe him.”

“She might have been enchanted somehow,” Celestia said, finger raised.

Luna shrugged. “Maybe. I think it was just the headlong rush of hormones people mistake for love. Anyway, he came out to me one day as a vampire, all shy and ‘I don’t want you to think I’m a monster,’ and I lapped it right up. I let him feed off me, feeling better and better as my grades sunk and I lost what little social life I had.”

“Enter Tia. She stumbled across us in my room one day with my neck bleeding into his mouth. She freaks and runs for dad, and my alleged boyfriend starts freaking out too. He said Celestia was going to tell our parents, and they would tell the religious nut-jobs that had been hunting him. The only way to save his life was if…”

Luna faltered, her strong voice ending abruptly. Wet-eyed and straining, she finished. “They died. Celestia, my parents, we had to kill them fast.”

The voice grew feral. “And like the absolute retard that I was, I said yes.”

Pale arms moved. Celestia pulled her close. “You were inexperienced and vulnerable, he was a skilled manipulator. Don’t blame yourself.”

“Heh.” Luna gave a grimaced smile. “That’s my line.”

“If I’m not allowed to do it, then neither are you.” Celesta’s calm command widened her sister’s smile. “I’ll take it from here, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, whatever, just keep holding me.”

Celestia turned her head to Sunset. “I know this is hard to hear. Will you let us finish?”

“If you think it’s important, yeah.” Sunset shuffled, clearly uncomfortable. “I’m happy you trust me enough to share, and I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

“Thanks, but remember: we’re totally over this.” Luna laughed as she rested her head against Celestia’s shoulder.

Celestia rubbed her sister’s back and picked up the story. “Luna didn’t kill our parents. I want to make that clear. It was the vampire. As things… happened, we both panicked and ran out of the house. I had dad’s gun. I turned back and saw her running at me with blood on her face. I didn’t know anything about vampires back then, so when he drank from her throat I thought...”

An unsteady swallow. Then, “I thought Luna was now a vampire, coming to kill me. So I shot her, four times.”

“Only three hit.” Luna broke the hug and lifted her shirt to show three old, tiny scars on her belly. “Didn’t even hurt until I was at the hospital.”

“What happened then?” Sunset asked.

“Um.” A stronger smile slipped onto Celestia’s face. “I… I was about to shoot her on the ground and, um…”

Luna’s grin matched her sister’s. “Nagatha knocked her block off.”

“Miss Harshwhinny!?” Sunset’s voice cracked, and she fell to a fresh round of coughing.

Celestia scratched at her elbows. “Yes, the ‘nut-jobs’ hunting the vampire was her old group. They’d tracked him to the house and arrived just in time to stop me from making the worst mistake of my life.”

“Tch.” Luna looked to the side. “Wish they could have stopped me from mine. Anyway, I wake up in the hospital and there’s Tia, on her knees begging me to forgive her. And I’m all, ‘no, you forgive me, this was my fault.’ We still fight about that, in case you haven’t noticed.”

She shrugged. “That’s basically the end. We got handed off to crap foster homes and crap child psychologists, and just had a roiling good time with PTSD until we moved in together. During college Celestia asked Nagatha to teach her the business and I got in too, because fuck vampires. Any questions?”

There were none. The next question actually came from Celestia, asking Sunset if she wanted to be left alone. The response was a negative, and Celestia quietly sat in her rocker while Luna hit the shower.

The silence that fell was neither entirely comfortable nor uncomfortable. Sunset ceased her texting, and only met Celestia’s eyes in brief, awkward glances. She turned her cartoons back on, filling the quiet with empty noise.

When the first episode ended, Sunset didn’t click over to the next. Instead she asked, “Why?”

“You deserved to know,” Celestia said.

That wasn’t good enough. “No. Why?” Sunset shifted in the bed to look at her. “You said there was something else.”

“There was.” Celestia nodded, then caught herself. “Is. There is something else. But I don’t want to pile things on while you’re still digesting this.”

Sunset pressed forward. “Consider it digested. I get you guys, I really do.”

She gave a grim laugh. “Boy, do I get you. I know a thing or two about awful mistakes, you know? And I also know about moving on from them. Saying, ‘My past is not today.’”

“That’s a nice way of putting it,” Celestia smiled, drawing a shy laugh from Sunset.

“Thanks. Um… I wrote a song about it, but it’s kind of a solo thing so I never sprung it on the band.”

Celestia nodded. “I’d love to hear it.”

“Later, sure.” Sunset blushed a little, and her eyes darted away. “You’d be the first. But anyway, that other thing. Lay it on me.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to rush things.”

Sunset gave a weak chuckle from her blanket mountain. “Honestly, all this buildup is making me nervous. Can we just do it?”

“Fair,” Celestia said. And it was – she’d put this off too long.

Just a little longer. With her impenetrable calm in place, Celestia asked, “Do you like living here?”

She expected confusion at the vague question. Instead, Sunset beamed and sat up straighter. “Definitely. Food, heating, love; what’s not to like?”

Celestia had been a teenager once. “Curfews. Groundings.” Her smile shifted to a more genuine one, with one eyebrow raised. “Someone who checks your history homework, and make you redo it if she thinks you can do better.”

Again, Sunset didn’t hesitate. “Yeah, but it’s still a net positive, and that other stuff isn’t so bad. Kind of weird to say, but I’m happy for it. It means you care – if you didn’t, you wouldn’t bother. Plus, I never really understood when Rarity or Rainbow complained about their folks, and now that I do, we’ve got one more thing in common.”

“I see.” Celestia’s smile grew. “You complain about me, hm?”

“I still say Adagio deserved a butt-kicking back then.” Sunset smirked and stuck out her tongue. No nervousness or backpedaling… she was comfortable. It warmed Celestia inside.

Still, the principal gave a tsk. “Let’s not revisit that evening.”

Sunset nodded. “Agreed. I’m pretty sure you’re taking this conversation somewhere else.”

“Yes,” Celestia sighed, leaning back in her chair. The moment of truth. But how to ask it? Nonchalantly, like it’s no big deal? Or with hugs and kisses and a pile of soft emotion? Perhaps she should wait until Sunset wasn’t ill, but no, it was too late for that.

The question came honestly from the nervous soul. “Do you… ah, do you want to make things official?”

She clarified at Sunset’s befuddled glance. “Between us.”

“Between us,” Sunset repeated, still not following.

Celestia’s smile hid her thumping heart. “Adoption, I mean. Would you like to adopt me?”

Sunset looked more confused than before, and it took Celestia a second to hear her own words. She slapped her eyes, gave a breathless laugh, and went on. “I mean, me and you. Would you like me to adopt you?”

Sunset’s response was low and serious. “What would be different?”

“Nothing.” Celestia shrugged and gave another weak laugh. “It’s a piece of paper. Law. Legalese. Nothing. But at the same time, it’s not nothing. It means it won’t just be me saying this is your home – it will be true in every sense of the word. And with what we have now, you and I know that we’re family. With that piece of paper, we shout it to the world.”

“That’d be cool.” Sunset scratched her hair. Neither of them were looking at each other. “If I can ask, what changed? When we started you said adoption was off the table.”

Celestia shrugged again. “I don’t know. I guess… humans can’t control how they feel. We can’t choose to get happy or angry. We can’t decide not to fall in love. We just do, and it doesn’t matter what was said before. I feel ready for this, but it’s up to you. If you don’t want to be tied to me like that, it’s okay. This will still be your home.”

“Got it.” Sunset nodded. “Last question: why did I need to know the other thing first?”

“So you’d know what you’d be getting into.” Celestia’s voice graveled. She sniffed wetly and went on. “You deserve better, Sunset. Luna and I, we broke so badly then, and we were never really fixed, just sort of glued back together. We’re not stable, or terribly responsible, and with the business and everything we don’t have much money. But we’re all there is. If there was a better choice, I’d send you there instead.”

“You tried.”

Celestia looked to Sunset. Sunset looked back steadily, and Celestia broke the gaze.

“The princess, remember?” Sunset pointed in the vague direction of the school. “I could have gone with her to Equestria. Gotten my old room in the palace back. A ‘better choice’ if there ever was one, and Tirek’s teeth to it. My family’s here, not there. So if you’re asking for my opinion, then yes, I’d like to make it official. I’d love it.”

She leaned forward in the bed, face lit by a growing smile. “Honestly, the more I talk about it the more I want it. Because I’m a little glued together too, and the thought that even after all I did you want me in that kind of way, that… that makes me really, really happy. You can’t even imagine.”

A loud sniff, and Sunset ran a palm along her moist eyes. “Man, if I wasn’t sick I’d hug you so hard right now.”

Celestia was already moving, climbing over the sweaty sheets towards Sunset. The prone teen waved her off to no avail. “We can hug later, I smell like a haunted gym and my stomach is kind of–”

The embrace ended the protest. Sunset sat up, leaning into the hug and returning it with all her might. Their chins locked around each other’s shoulder, their eyes looking past – so much to fear, so much to plan, but right now all their questions could wait.

One slipped through. “Should I start calling you ‘Mom?’”

“Only if you want to.”

“I do.” Sunset trembled in Celestia’s grip. “I really do.”

Celestia felt wetness on her shoulder and rubbed Sunset’s back. “It’s okay to cry. Let it out.”

“Thanks,” Sunset said. “But I’m not crying. It’s, uh, my nose. Let me go and I’ll...”

“Oh, no you don’t.” Celestia hugged her all the tighter. The pair squeezed, giggled, and laughed out loud, then Sunset threw up on her mother’s back.

Author's Note

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but nothing says love like grilled cheese and tomato soup.

Also

Meanwhile, in Equestria...

Princess Twilight Sparkle all but bounced down the street, basking in Celestia’s sun as she made her way home. Another beautiful day in Ponyville had passed into evening, and she was going to enjoy what remained for all it was worth.

The day had not been without hiccups, of course. The great Everfree spider migration had passed through Ponyville, bringing not only screaming terror, but an important lesson about not squishing innocent creatures. Thank goodness Fluttershy was there. Twilight and her friends worked through as they always did, and wrapped things up in time for snacks at Sugarcube Corner.

Twilight shivered, losing her spring as she approached the castle. That feeling of spiders running up her legs… some friendship lessons came easier than others, and a living testimony to the fact waved at her from the castle stairs.

“Hi, Twilight.” Starlight Glimmer barely croaked the words before degenerating into a phlegmy cough. She swallowed and sucked on the smoking rod between her lips, brightening its glow.

Twilight’s bounce ended with a facefall into a mud puddle. Her head snapped up with a shocked expression and a pink glow snatched the stick from Starlight’s mouth.

“What’s this!?” Twilight shrieked, knowing full-well the answer.

“It’s a friendship stick!” Starlight coughed one more time before turning an excited grin on Twilight. “Queen Chrysalis gave me a whole box of them. She said humans exchange these sticks to show friendship; the more I use, the better friends we are. This is great! I think I’m finally getting through to her.”

“Show me the box,” Twilight commanded. When Starlight complied, Twilight snatched it too and incinerated the lot in pink fire. “Those are cigarettes. It’s not friendship, it’s…”

Her breath came in with a hiss, and a pained smile formed. “You know. Chryssi being Chryssi.”

“Oh.” Disappointment came to Starlight’s face, followed by curiosity. “‘Chryssi being Chryssi’ in the ‘plots to take over Equestria’ kind of way, or the ‘comments on the flavor of pandas in front of Fluttershy’ way?”

“Somewhere in between.” Twilight shrugged. “Anyway, I’m going to have a talk with her. I’ll tell you about these later, but long story short, they’re not friendship sticks. They’re like, anti-friendship sticks. You should probably go rinse your mouth.”

Starlight kneaded her tongue in her teeth, making a disgusted face. “You didn’t need to tell me that. Good luck with Chryssi.”

Twilight sighed her thanks and proceeded into the palace. A few glittering corridors brought her to the castle’s pride: the friendship classroom, complete with desks and chalkboards. Chrysalis sat in her assigned seat, seemingly engrossed with her copy of Basics of Friendship, by Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight took in the scene just long enough to see that yes, the nullification ring was still on Chrysalis’ horn. With a knowing frown, the princess lit her own magic and yanked away the textbook, revealing the latest issue of Tall White Mares propped up behind.

Chrysalis shoved the magazine behind her back and grinned widely. “Oh, hi Princess. Get all the spiders out of your hair?”

“Almost.” Twilight shuddered, reflecting on the fact this was the first day in weeks Chrysalis wasn’t her biggest aggravation. There was a long shower with Twilight’s name on it as soon as she was done here.

Her magic formed a pink bubble around Chrysalis and hoisted her to the air, a process now familiar to both of them. “I saw the ‘friendship sticks’ you gave to Starlight.”

“Neat.” Chrysalis smirked with the slick pride of a cheating student. “Do you want some? I still have a few packs.”

The magic pulled her over to press nose-to-nose with Twilight, who was smirking rather more angrily. “As it happens, I’ve been to the human world as well.”

“Oh.” Chrysalis’ smile dropped.

Twilight’s grew, though it was more stress than joy. “Yes, and now we are going to add ‘Why lying is bad’ to the curriculum.

“Hey, come on, it was a harmless prank.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. They left the classroom, the floating, wheedling Chrysalis helpless at her side. “You know, friends play pranks on each other. It’s not like I did anything harmful, like put bricks in a sandwich or anything.”

A twitch birthed in Twilight’s eye and traversed all the way to her tail. Maybe that last dig wasn’t intentional, but Chrysalis had long lost the benefit of the doubt. Twilight’s nose went up as her hooves carried them to the castle basement. “Chrysalis, as your friendship teacher, I’m starting to have some concerns about your progress. I don’t think you’re taking your lessons seriously.”

Twilight said a couple more things, but Chrysalis tuned it out as they descended the stairs. Friendship, harmony, blah, blah, blah.

“Anyway, here we are!” Twilight’s voice grated as they came to a final door. Chrysalis looked up, then around, and shrugged. A basement this might be, but it was every bit as bright and shiny as the floors above, and the door before them was unremarkable.

Sadly, she saw nothing interesting enough to distract from Twilight’s words. “This is the friendship remediation room. A nice, soft little place for you to deescalate and reflect on your actions.”

Laughter bubbled up through Chrysalis’ mouth. “‘Friendship remediation room?’ That sounds dystopian.”

“It is nothing of the sort!” Twilight announced with a frankly suspicious amount of cheer. “Just some stuffed toys, padded walls, and a speaker system with our greatest spontaneous musicals on endless loop.”

Horror briefly flashed on Chrysalis’ face, followed by glowering resignation. “You enjoy my torment.”

“Of course not, Chryssi.” Twilight beamed back at her, deploying the hated nickname. “It’s not a punishment, it’s an opportunity to think about how you can do better next time.”

Glowing in Twilight’s magic, a key fit the lock and pulled the door open. Padded purple walls greeted them, with the carpeting lost to a pile of plush toys. From hidden speakers, a horrible yowling filled the room.

“Come on everypony,
Smile, smile, smile,
Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine…”

Hopelessness gave Chrysalis strength. Though she shuddered as Twilight floated her through the doorway, she spun herself upside-down in the weightless magic and smirked back. “Hey.”

“Hm?” Closed eyes, still smiling that too-bright smile, Twilight tilted her head.

“I porked your brother.”

Twilight’s smile vanished to a flat glare. Her magic winked out, dropping Chrysalis head-first to the ground.

“Gets her every time.” Chrysalis pumped a hoof into the air as the door slammed shut between them. Between the brother dig and the cigarettes slipped to Annoying Purple Unicorn #2, the day’s battle had ended a draw. That was as good as it got these days.

“All I really need’s a smile, smile, smile…”

Chrysalis hated this song, but the magic speakers were keyed to Twilight’s horn. Nothing for Chrysalis to do but distract herself until it passed. She grabbed a stuffed likeness of Rarity and began tossing it up and down, pointedly talking over the music. “You know, Annoying White Unicorn, I think out of all Twilight’s idiot minions I dislike you the least. You’re a whiny twerp, but they all are, and you make me pretty dresses. I can admire that. I’m a queen, you know, I have to look good.”

“I like to see you grin,
I love to see you beam,
The corners of your mouth turned up is always Pinkie's dream…”

Chrysalis cocked her ear. Wasn’t that the second refrain? She had already been in here a few minutes, the song should be over.

Painful as it was, she listened. The Pink Thing’s annoying voice squeaked out the last verse, then fell to silence.

Then, “My name is Pinkie Pie…”

“It’s on repeat!” Terror and rage blurred together in Chrysalis’ scream. She leaped from the ground and screamed again to the walls, “Twilight Sparkle, you monster!”

Lacking subordinates, she made do with strangling the stuffed Rarity. “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you warn me against bringing up her brother? She always gets me back for it!”

“Smile, smile, smile…”

“This is torture,” Chrysalis declared, tossing her plush scapegoat to the side. “This is a gross violation of the Geneighva convention, and I will be writing Princess Celestia about it.”

“If only I could!” With a hateful roar, Chrysalis bucked one of the stuffed mountains with all her might. The toys scattered, but the one at their core held firm.

Chrysalis’ mouth fell open, for there stood Princess Celestia herself. Not the real one, sadly, but a very excellent stuffed replica. Life-sized, it loomed above even Chrysalis, thickly-stuffed and balanced enough to stand on its own.

“Smile, smile, smile…”

Chrysalis tackled the stuffed Celestia. Her magic jammed a smaller plushie in each ear and she curled up with the cotton alicorn clutched tight to her chest. It was soft, downy and warm, surely like the real thing…

“Not so bad,” Chrysalis admitted. Her impromptu earmuffs hid the music, and the pile of stuffed toys made for a comfortable bed. She settled her head down on the beautiful white neck, her mind already scheming for a way to smuggle the prize to her room.

And then take over Equestria, but this would do for now.

Author's Note

Just a little non sequitur that popped in and demanded writing.

We Are Still Not Responsible Adults

“Any idea what this is about?”

“Of course not.” Harshwhinny snapped back to Luna as they strode down the empty school hall. “I got the same text as you: ‘New vampire, meet in the break room.’”

“I hate coming back to school.” Luna matched the older woman’s brisk pace, leaving Sunset and Whooves scurrying in their wake. “It’s like, we left, we should be done for the day. It always takes weeks to track the bastards down anyway.”

Harshwhinny raised her nose. “Miss Luna, just because you are Miss Celestia’s sister does not mean your opinion is valued.”

“Yeah, I know,” Luna snarled. “But hers is, and didn’t she have some strong words about you loosening up?”

“I have ‘loosened up,’” Miss Harshwhinny announced primly.

Luna shook her head. “Bullshit. You just gave Flash Sentry detention for saying ‘pacifically,’”

“It’s ‘specifically.’” Now Harshwhinny snarled, though her uptight demeanor immediately returned. “And now he has cause to remember the difference.”

“Whatever.” Luna accelerated, jerking the door open as she reached the faculty lounge. She paused a second, then held the door and stood to the side with a mean smirk. “Age before beauty.”

“Pearls before swine.” Harshwhinny strode past her without a glance. Seething, Luna followed and slammed the door on the way in.

Sunset paused outside next to Whooves, letting a shiver run down her back. “Yeowch. That was scary.”

Whooves shrugged. “That was Friday.”

“I don’t want to go in.”

“Me neither,” Whooves sighed. He opened the door and entered, followed a step behind by Sunset.

Much like the teachers, the staff lounge gave no outwards sign of its real business. Sunset had been inside twice before now, and could still scarcely describe it with any word other than ‘brown.’ A light, clay-like brown for the walls, a useful blackish brown for the carpeting that hid generations of coffee stains, and a deep brown for the couches and chairs. Even the lights seemed more bronzed than white, illuminating the room from old, cloudy fixtures. The only alien colors seemed to come from the teachers themselves.

And Trixie. The blue-skinned girl fumed under Iron Will’s arm as he carried her past Sunset.

“Hi, Mister Will.”

“Hi, Sunset.” Iron Will’s bored voice emerged as Trixie began gnawing on his arm. “If your mom comes in, tell her I’ll be right back, okay?"

“Sure thing.” Sunset held the door for them, then closed it behind.

There was no assigned seating, but long habit had created an informal one. Sunset’s was a deep, low recliner in the corner. Cranky Doodle occupied a plain wooden chair at one end of the rectangular table, cleaning a pistol while they waited. Whooves straddled a chair arm and tapped on his phone. Redheart and Cheerilee shared an old leather sofa, the former fidgeting with a lighter, the latter intently studying her laptop screen. The rest of the hunters remained standing – Luna leaned against a wall by her sister’s chair, Miss Harshwhinny hovered over the table, and Iron Will, on his return, resumed his energetic pacing and flexing.

A few minutes after Sunset, Celestia entered. Despite her urgent text, she was as she appeared any time on the job. With flowing hair that somehow seemed both ordered and free, tan blazer, pressed purple slacks, and soft pink hands clasped gently over her navel. Only the telltale bulge of a chest holster spoke of her hidden life, and even that was half-lost behind her kindly smile.

“Hello, everyone.” The little gossip the room had fell quiet as she came to her seat by the table. “I thought we should cover this tonight, rather than wait until Monday. Thank you all for coming back. I’m very sorry for interrupting your big Friday night plans.”

None of the eccentric group had plans, but none were keen to admit it. A round of coughs and embarrassed offers of forgiveness followed, then Celestia gestured to Cheerilee. The teacher reached up to the blinds behind the couch – brown, of course – and twisted them, shielding the meeting from Trixie’s new position in the bushes.

Celestia rested her hands on the table, still smiling peaceably. “This won’t take long, but let’s go through the usual points of order. Redheart, please extinguish your lighter.”

A white finger flicked the lighter closed.

Celestia’s smile remained unchanged as she went down the list. “Cheerilee, put away your pictures of Macintosh Apple.”

With an, “Eep!” the teacher reached up and slapped her laptop screen down.

“Cranky, no guns out in school.”

Grumbling, Cranky Doodle obeyed.

“Sunset, stop texting.”

“Right after this,” Sunset called. She tapped the phone a few more times, then slipped it into her pocket.

“Iron Will, stop lifting dumbells.”

The man huffed, waggling his nose ring. “Iron Will can pay perfectly good attention while pumping his body weight.”

“Yeah, but your B.O. goes to a hundred in like ten minutes.” Luna wrinkled her nose. “It even gets in the coffee.”

“Please,” Celestia added. Iron Will obeyed, and the principal went on.

“Redheart, extinguish that lighter, too.”

Redheart slapped shut her second lighter – much the same as her first, save for the six-inch flame.

With the meeting thus called to order, Celestia rose from her chair and patted her hips, entering what Luna called, ‘Speech-Mode.’ One hand rose slowly and pointed to the ceiling.

“Everyone, let it never be said that we don’t have a hard job.” Celestia’s hand fell, folding back into its twin. “We sacrifice our health, our money, and our precious vacation days to fight a war that we shall never be honored for. Our reasons for doing so are many. We protect our students and our city. We find meaning and fulfillment beyond what this ennui-filled modern world can give us. And yes, we have fun. We are the big darn heroes who ride in and save the day.”

Her expression turned grave. “But it is the nature of our work that we do not always know our enemy. And sometimes, that enemy proves to be a person we thought we knew. A life that has touched our own. And whether they touched us for the better or worse, never did we expect to meet them as a hunter meets the undead. Yet meet them we must, lest others die from our hesitation.”

Sunset’s hands were numb. Looking down, she saw them gripped hard enough for the nails to leave red grooves in the skin.

Her mind raced. She hadn’t signed up for something like this. Names and faces flashed through her mind, and she wondered who Celestia was speaking of. Who Sunset might be called upon to kill. Someone the whole faculty knew… a student? But who? Photo Finish? Soarin? Derpy? Trixie?

…Nah, it couldn’t be Trixie. But what about Fluttershy? Did Celestia learn her secret? Was a were-manatee really something they had to act on?

“Cinch.”

Sunset blinked. She and the rest of the faculty looked abruptly to the still-grave Celestia.

“Cadence called me near the end of the day. She was inconsolable. I couldn’t get anything out of her over the phone, so I went to her house. She said she peeked into Cinch’s office and saw her talking to Sombra of all things, summoned back by some magic in her hand. She offered revenge and conquest, and displayed very large fangs to him. Negotiations broke down, and, um, so did Sombra. I don’t think we’ll see him again, but this leaves us with strong evidence that Principal Cinch is a vampire with thoroughly hostile intentions.”

Silence greeted the announcement. Between the pulled blinds and setting sun, the office seemed more in darkness than light. Sunset fidgeted with her ring as her eyes went from teacher to teacher, seeing the same expression of frowning surprise in them all.

Her gaze fell to Miss Harshwhinny. The woman stood as erect as ever, with hard tan hands clasped firmly behind her back. But tears could be seen in Sunset’s sidelong view of her cheek.

Sunset was a do-gooder. Heedless of their history, she rose and set a hand on the stern teacher’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Miss Harshwhinny sniffed wetly and rubbed the ball of her hand over her eyes. “Ah, yes. Thank you, Miss Shimmer. I am a little overwhelmed. Just…”

She turned, gracing Sunset with a wide, cheerful smile. “…So happy.”

The breakroom exploded with laughs and whoops. Luna and Cranky exchanged a handshake that turned into a hug. Cheerilee whipped off her shirt and twirled it over her head, waving it dangerously close to the hand-sized flamethrower Redheart had ignited in celebration.

Sunset and Celestia stood side-by-side, unknowingly mimicking each other’s stance: closed eyes, pained smile, and thin bead of sweat as the noise of Iron Will’s chainsaw filled the air.

Do Not Read This Chapter While Eating

Cadence was not surprised when Celestia asked her to stay home. It was, Cadence believed, the older woman’s style to try and protect everyone around her like overgrown children. It aided her, strengthened her… and blinded her. If Cinch was aware Cadence knew her secret, the dean’s address was right in the school directory. And if Cinch was uncertain, calling in sick would be immensely suspicious.

Cadence supposed she could grab Shining Armor and hop on a plane… but come on, she had papers to grade.

There was another part, too, that brought her to school that Monday. A long weekend to think about it made her realize Cinch probably suspected nothing. If the vampire principal knew, why would she have let Cadence leave? Here lay a chance to poke around the dark corners of the school, and look through Cinch’s office when opportunity knocked. Maybe there would be some hints of a greater plan the hunters could make sense of.

Admittedly, Cadence wasn’t the best of spies. After trying the lock on Cinch’s office for the third time, a point-blank voice came from behind.

“You’re acting very suspiciously.”

Cadence jumped out of her skin, but mercifully, it was only Sugarcoat. Her observation made, the grey girl went silently on her way, leaving Cadence to retire to her office and hyperventilate.

“It’s alright,” she said quietly as her confidence recovered. “I stay late all the time, I can do it tonight. Get the key from the janitor’s room and try then.”

A knock on the door sent cold water through her veins, that turned to ice as a voice followed. “Dean Cadence? A word, if you don’t mind.”

“She doesn’t know,” Cadence whispered. “She can’t know. She wouldn’t have let me leave if she did.”

The words gave her strength, and her next ones were loud enough to be heard. “Come in, Miss Cinch.”

The principal swept into the office, offering a glare Cadence would not meet. But that was their usual – as ever, the matron despot seemed to grimace in disgust at her own dean of students before speaking. “I would like you to join me for lunch in my office. There are things we should discuss.”

The coldly-spoken request was, at least, not an alarming one. Cinch recognized the busy nature of Cadence’s job, and as such generally stood out of her way. When discussion was needed, the principal elected to have it over lunch so as not to impede the efficiency of their work. It was a thorough abuse of Cadence’s unpaid lunch hour, but Cinch was not a woman who could be refused. Not then, and certainly not now.

Cadence smiled with as much sincerity as she could fake. “Sure thing. Let me just get my lunch from the fridge.”

“That will not be necessary.” Cinch’s square jaw moved in clipped time with the words. “It is my treat.”

Cadence froze.

That was suspicious.

But just like all Cinch’s “offers” before now, there was only one answer. “Of course, Miss Cinch.” She looked at the clock. “It’s only eleven. What time should we eat?”

“Now,” Cinch said. She turned and strode through the door – no gesture was made, but the intent was clear. Cadence rose and followed, desperately trying to sweat quietly.

She could offer distraction, at least. “How did the appeal go?”

Predictably, Cinch’s habitual frown tightened to one of anger. “The school board was unconvinced. Without any proof or confession of guilt on Canterlot’s part, the Friendship Games will remain their victory.”

A low, glowering breath shot from her nose. “One of the board members even called me a sore loser. Never mind Crystal Prep’s reputation for perfection. Never mind Canterlot High’s distinct lack thereof, or the simple fact that cheating is the only way they could ever have won. None of that even considered.”

The tension seemed to depart as she grumbled. The brief, bitter rant ended with a sigh as she produced a heavy silver key and unlocked her office. “Well. No matter, it will be redressed in due time. Here – bon appetit.”

Cinch offering a free lunch was a bizarre enough event that Cadence had no idea what to expect. What she saw nearly floored her: a small table placed within the office, set with a white cloth and a covered silver tray.

Cinch gestured forward, and the dazed Cadence obeyed. She sat down at a china plate and removed the tray’s lid to find a sight that just completed the surrealism.

“Taco salad?”

“It is taco day in the cafeteria,” Cinch announced. “Free to all students and staff.”

“We have taco days?”

Cinch gave a brisk nod as she ladled a bowl for Cadence. “The student council voted for it. Now here, eat.”

You listen to the student council?

Cadence had the good sense to keep that last question in, instead accepting the offered bowl. Taco salad was not at all within her diet, but the same old rule of Crystal Prep held firm. One did not refuse Cinch anything.

Every instinct in Cadence’s brain screamed their warnings. This was too strange. Too big of a coincidence. A trap was closing around her.

She hid her anxiety behind the first few bites as her brain muffled the screams. No trap would be half as dangerous as exciting Cinch’s suspicions, and a sudden burst of defiance would do just that.

The salad was good, at least, though she wasn’t hungry at all. Cadence looked up from it to see her principal still standing. Cinch offered a rare smirk before turning to her desk. “I will be with you shortly, Dean Cadence. Continue eating.”

Cadence obliged. Her stomach seemed to take the hint, welcoming the food and growling for more. Odd, to be so hungry this early, but while Cinch examined a paper on her desk Cadence helped herself to a second serving.

Then a third. The soft clap of shoes on linoleum brought her gaze up to see Cinch finally returning to the table.

“Is it good?” Cinch asked, the odd smirk still on her face.

“Oh, yes.” Cadence bobbed her head with the words. “Kind of… sweet and spicy at the same time. What’s the seasoning?”

“Look closely.”

Cadence obeyed, peering into the mess of corn and meat. Standard taco fare… save for the odd red strings dangled throughout. Tomatoes, she thought initially, but now that she looked again they seemed too thin and runny. Even now one slid from the edge of her spoon…

And curled back onto it, wiggling between the pieces of ground beef.

“Brain worms.” Cinch waved dismissively. “Continue eating while we work. Tell me this: what do you think our chances are of getting the Friendship Games Committee to overturn the results?”

Hopeless, of course. Cadence explained it between bites, doubting the committee would even investigate. They would just ask the school board, who would cheerfully share their own verdict.

Cinch paid serious attention to the words, then asked, “What about Miss Celestia? Have you seen her recently?”

“Yes,” Cadence said. Panic she could not explain exploded in her chest. She rose quickly, stammering something about–

“Stop,” Cinch said.

Cadence stopped.

“Sit down, and relax.” Cinch descended to the opposite chair as Cadence fell into hers with a sleepy grin. “You’re not in trouble, Miss Cadence. Mistakes were made. However, I do expect you to keep in mind from now on that as my dean of students, it is your duty to act loyally in my interests. Do I make myself clear?”

Cadence shuffled, embarrassed despite her relaxation. Cinch was the principal – her boss. It was a basic responsibility of the job to serve her needs, and Cadence screwed up big-time.

At least the principal seemed to be in a forgiving mood. “Yes, Miss Cinch,” Cadence intoned.

“Good,” Cinch announced. “Now tell me both what you told her, and what she told you. We’ll see if we can’t…”

Her smirk turned to a sharp-toothed smile. “…Settle things between us. It’s still early, after all. If we finish soon, there might be time to have her over for lunch.”

It's a Trap!

Author's Note

Due to an accidental premature publishing, it's possible you missed the last chapter... it covers a friendly little chat between Cinch and Cadence. Double-back and read it if you haven't already.

...Also, I've been writing this fic for almost a year? :rainbowhuh: Jeebus, what am I doing with my life? :twilightoops:

It's a Trap!

Sunset slapped her tray down on the lunchroom table, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m thinking of getting a tattoo.”

Her six friends plastered smiles on their faces as they exchanged frantic looks.

“You… don’t say?” Rarity asked politely.

Sunset’s head bobbed. “Pretty cool, right? I kinda want to show the world I’m still bad, just in a good kind of way. Something to say who I am.”

Twilight pushed up her glasses, using the cover to trade a sidelong glance with Fluttershy. “Sounds like you’ve already picked one out.”

“Yep!” Sunset traced a finger over the side of her left arm. “My initials, right here. SS.”

The subtle anticipation of the other six turned to open horror. After a second of shocked stares, Rainbow slapped her forefinger to her nose. “Not it.”

The others followed suit immediately, save for the second-too-slow Applejack. She copied the move, but the words trailed off as she realized her loss.

“Dang it,” she mumbled, then turned a smile on the puzzled Sunset. “Girl, you’re gettin’ a history lesson tonight. We’re gonna watch a movie called Fury and I reckon that’ll learn ya what needs learnin’.”

The conversation ended as a high squeal marked the announcement speakers coming to life, followed by Luna’s dour voice. “Will Miss Sunset Shimmer please report to the principals’ office? Thank you.”

Sunset stood, snatching up her apple and pushing her dessert bowl over to Rainbow. Across the cafeteria, Adagio laughed out loud and pointed. “Someone’s in trouble again, Sunshit!”

Aria and Sonata obediently joined in the jeering from the sirens’ table. Sunset ignored them as she left the lunch hall and climbed to the second story. She arrived at the principals’ office to find an impromptu staff meeting already underway. Celestia sat on her desk with blazer off, tying down a concealed holster beneath her armpit. The others stood around her with folded arms and tense expressions.

“It must be serious if Cadence wants you now.” Redheart shuffled an unlit lighter around her fingers.

“She sounded serious.” Celestia pulled on her blazer and gave her daughter a distracted smile. “Hi, Sunset. I’ll be going to Crystal Prep for a few hours. Cadence said she found something in the basement but doesn’t know what to make of it. There are drawn symbols and coffins… I’m not really sure what she was trying to describe. I need to see it for myself.”

Cranky grumbled, slapping an old green helmet on his head. “Am I the only one who doesn’t like this at all? No offense to Miss Cadence, but this ain’t her game. How do we know she didn’t give herself away and is inviting you to a trap?”

“We’ll find out the same way we always do.” Celestia turned her smile to him. “We touch the stove and see if it’s hot.”

“Why don’t we go as a group?” Cheerilee held out her hand. “You know, on the off-chance there’s a vampire?”

Celestia shook her head. “We can’t have half the staff leave in the middle of a school day. Besides, Cadence said Cinch was going to be at the appeals board all afternoon. For all we know she lairs in the school at night, so this might be our best chance to check the place out.”

Luna ticked off a third point on her fingers. “Plus, if it is a trap, it’s probably best if not everyone falls into it at once.”

Cheerilee gave her half a smile. “I wasn’t talking to you.”

“We’re all sharing ideas, here.” Celestia’s voice carried a tinge of authority that ended the fight before it started.

“You’re right, but you should still go in with backup,” Harshwhinny said.

Sunset nodded. “Me. And before you all say no, keep in mind why you let me join in the first place. The symbols Cadence saw might be part of some rune or ritual, and no one here knows more about that than me.”

Whooves looked up from his phone. “Are these the kind of runes you’d be familiar with?”

“Probably, yeah.” Sunset let a cocky grin form on her face. “Back in Equestria I spent years breaking into the forbidden section of the library. If I had a source of magic, I could be a pretty competent necromancer.”

Harshwhinny sniffed. “That’s not something to be proud of.”

Sunset shrugged and jerked a thumb at herself. “Regardless, if anyone here should go, it’s me.”

Celestia’s smile wobbled. “What about your classes?”

“Mom, I’m acing all of them. Come on.”

“Alright.” Celestia gave in with a bashful wave. “You can come. I never claimed to be a good parent.”

“You’re not good, you’re the best.” Sunset gave her a quick, tight hug and pulled away. “I’ll be right back. Gotta get my gun from my locker.”

Cranky snorted. “You don’t keep it on you? What if you were walking down the hall and a vampire or terrorist or something grabbed y–”

In one fluid motion, Celestia snatched a handkerchief from her pocket and jammed it in Cranky’s mouth, never shifting her beatific smile from Sunset. “Because she would be in very big trouble if she carried her gun around school. Go on and fetch it, Sunset. I’ll meet you by the car.”

“Um…”

Such was Sunset’s usual way of starting a conversation. Celestia waited patiently as they drove, giving the young woman time to find her voice.

After two more tries, the words came out. “I went in your bedroom yesterday. I wasn’t snooping or anything, just looking for where one of my red socks got to.”

“That’s fine,” Celestia said. “It’s your house, too. I would expect you to knock if the door was closed, but our room isn’t off-limits at all.”

Sunset gave a bashful smile. “I know. I just noticed something while I was in there. Your beds aren’t pushed together anymore. They’re still pretty close, but you and Aunt Luna have got the night stand in between you now.

Celestia confirmed it with a nod. “We just moved them on Friday, though we were maybe a foot apart for a week before then. Next week we’ll be on opposite sides of the room. Then I’ll try sleeping in the sofa bed and we’ll see how it goes.”

“Good luck,” Sunset offered. Then, “There’s nothing wrong with what you have now, though. You and Luna need each other, same way I need my friends.”

Celestia shook her head. “It is not the same. It’s one thing to rely on your friends and family, it’s another to absolutely require them for a good night’s sleep. It’s not healthy. Luna and I talked about it, it… sort of keeps us in stasis. We can’t really move on, can’t lead different lives while we’re chained together like that. I’ve wanted to go to Hawaii for a long time, but Luna didn’t, so I stayed. And Luna lurks on a few dating sites – what if she wants to bring a gentleman home one night? I can’t very well share the bedroom with them.”

Sunset swallowed a laugh. “I think just about any guy you could mention would be okay with that.”

“Lulu said the same thing.” Celestia frowned, but a smile danced in her eyes. “It’s working, I think. We’re sleeping well, even outside of arm’s reach.”

The smile in her eyes turned to laughter. “I can’t quite explain, but I feel we’re a little different now. When Luna moved in ten years ago, we found a routine we could live with. Stability and sanity that had evaded us since our parents died. It was a life raft at the time, but Sunset… ten years, with no real change. We liked it that way. We liked the stasis, because it was safe. Nothing changed.”

She gave Sunset a brief glance and smile before turning her eyes back on the road. “Until you. Then things changed in a hurry. The living room, turned to a bedroom. Homework spread out on the table. Panties with printed swear words mixed in with my laundry.”

Sunset covered her beet-red face with her hands. “I am so sorry about that.”

“I’m not!” A chuckle came through with Celestia’s words. “The change was good, Sunset. Luna started doing things, both for herself and around the house. We’re both sleeping better and smiling easier. I think we’re no longer afraid. You reminded us that change can be good, and we can take our own hand in making it good. We owe you for that.”

“Hey, don’t make this too sappy.” Sunset scratched her cheek, poorly hiding the wide grin on her face. “I owe you guys way more. Food and family, and it doesn’t even end there. I belong somewhere now. I’m not caught between two worlds, I’m not hiding my living situation from my friends, I’m not even a hobo crashing on your couch. This, right here, is where I’m supposed to be. That’s a good feeling.”

“Maybe not ‘right’ right here,” Celestia noted as they pulled into Crystal Prep’s parking lot. “I’m still not sure about you cutting classes, but I guess it’s too late for that. Now before we get out: your pistol. Is it both secret and accessible?”

Sunset nodded. “Back belt, hidden by the jacket. I like it better than the chest holster. Means I don’t have to unzip before firing.”

“Good. Stay watchful.”

Celesta followed her own advice as they stepped from the car. This was the hardest part of the business, for her. The awkward paranoia that settled after the discovery and before the hunt. The knowledge that any face could be a foe, any dark corner an ambush… with the damning kicker that some such fears were inevitably right. Crystal Prep loomed dark and threatening beneath the grey winter clouds – a sign of vampiric influence, or an over-active imagination?

Certainly the latter. Celestia had visited less than a month ago, and the place felt as normal as ever then. Crystal Prep’s faux medieval architecture may seem suitable for a vampire, but the feeling always passed once one stepped through the doors. The inside lighting was, if anything, uncomfortably bright: product of both the innumerable glass and crystal artworks throughout the school, and a maintenance policy of changing even dimming bulbs for fresh ones. Principal Cinch had a lust for perfection and the budget to make it so.

Vampire Cinch. Even now, Celestia had a hard time picturing it. The lights were a perfect example – Cinch was harsh, obvious and blunt. Yet if Cadence was right, Cinch was expressly plotting against Celestia. Why? Or rather, why now? Celestia had obliviously sat through dozens of meetings with the obnoxious woman over the years. Cinch could have killed her easily at any one of them. Why did she not? What changed?

Celestia gave her daughter a smile as they left the car. Sunset was good at that kind of thinking, that need to look at things from strange angles. When they were done here, Celestia would let her shake the question and see what comes out.

For now, to business. She traded a wave with a tall pink woman waiting for them by the gym entrance.

“Hello, Miss Cadence.” Sunset gave her own shy wave as Celestia shook hands. The dean had evidently calmed down since they talked on Friday, now wearing a small, easy smile. She had evidently gotten sick, too – while one hand met Celestia’s, the other held a handkerchief to her mouth. A wet cough barked into it, necessitating an unfortunately un-subtle gulp. Cadence even had to swallow again before she could speak.

“Thanks for coming, Miss Celestia.” Cadence’s smile grew a bit more polite as it found the other. “Um, and Sunset. Excuse me, I think I caught something over the weekend. I didn’t sleep well.”

“Understandable,” Celestia said. They passed into the gym, then the school proper. The place was as bright and pristine as ever, with a grim underlay of mechanical efficiency. A bell rang and dull-eyed students flooded the hall, dragging massive books in straight lines to their next class.

The shuffle was broken today by a near-unending stream of wet coughs and audible gulps. Celestia discreetly squeezed some sanitizer onto her hands and rubbed them together. “Something’s going around.”

“Yeah,” Sunset said distractedly, sniffing the air. “Something smells good, though.”

Cadence smiled back at her. “It’s taco day.”

“You have taco days?” Celestia asked.

Cadence turned to walk backwards as she led them on. “They voted on it a little while ago. Care to get some before we go downstairs? I probably cut into your lunch with this.”

Her stomach growled, drawing a chuckle from above. “Mine, too. Come on, I’m hungry.”

A look was shared between Sunset and Celestia. They had no secret codes or signals, but a sidelong glance and quirk of the eyebrow told it all. Whatever emotion they expected from Cadence, nonchalance was not at all on the list. It was strange. Strange was bad.

“Just take us down there,” Celestia said. “Then we should leave, before Cinch comes back.”

Cadence shrugged and turned away, giving Sunset a chance to whisper. “Do we have an out if we need one?”

“I have a grenade,” Celestia whispered back. “And a microphone. Everything we hear is going right to Luna.”

“Is that why we’re not bailing now?”

Celestia nodded. “Yes. It might be nothing. This might just be Cadence’s way of dealing with the stress. And if something is amiss, the more we find out, the better.”

She paused in both her speech and steps, then added, “Why don’t you wait by the car?”

“Like hell,” Sunset hissed back. Celestia’s chance for a rebuttal ended as Cadence turned once more, forcing them to abandon the whispers.

“Elevator or stairs?” Cadence asked.

One of these left a much more reliable egress. “Stairs.”

They passed the threshold, which unfortunately included a heavy set of fire doors. A brief inspection gave Celestia no comfort – they were in perfect order, just like everything else.

At least the basement itself was brightly lit. The trio passed from a bleak hallway to Crystal Prep’s old assembly room, marked with gaudy purple linoleum and a pile of old televisions and speakers. A wealthy alumnus had gifted the school a new auditorium ten years ago, relegating this one to junk storage.

A twitch of jealousy entered Celestia’s heart. “And I can’t even get funding for a school garden.”

Sunset nudged Cadence. “Hey, tell me about the symbols. What color were they drawn in? Did any of them seem to move, or hurt your eyes when you looked at them?”

The touch seemed to push Cadence off balance. She stumbled a few steps away, dishing out a cough that sent a mouthful of spit to the ground.

“Sorry,” she gurgled, spitting again. “Just sick. And hungry.”

“Hungry?” Sunset arched an eyebrow.

Cadence nodded. “Really hungry.”

She leaped, leading with the teeth for Sunset’s face. Instead she found the arm of the leather jacket – then Celestia’s fist, cold-cocking her on the side.

“The hell was that!?” Sunset shrieked. “Also, good reflexes, Mom.”

“Thanks,” Celestia said briskly. “Did she break the skin?”

Sunset patted down her arm and gave a relieved sigh. “No. These Hemline jackets aren’t really built to last, but they beat human teeth. Now what the hell was that?”

“Not exactly sure, but… look.” Celestia knelt down over where Cadence had been coughing. The overhead lighting gave clear vision of the viscous puddle, along with the small white bubbles held within.

At least, they seemed to be bubbles. Until they hatched.

A dozen tiny, translucent red worms burst from their casings and wiggled in vain for a few seconds before falling limp. Both Celestia and Sunset staggered back from the sight, the latter casting a look to the unconscious Cadence. “Tirek’s Teeth! Any ideas?”

“Brain worms.”

Celestia said the words, but someone else did as well. A prim, matronly voice emerged from one of the speakers, followed a second later by a crash from behind them.

Sunset didn’t need to ask. “The fire doors,” she grumbled, already snatching for her gun.

Celestia remained still. She folded her arms and cast a glare around the room. “Abacus Cinch. I was hoping to speak with you.”

Though warped by the ancient speaker, the voice on the other end was unmistakable. “The feeling is not returned. But on the off-chance you carry any explosives with you…”

Celestia winced.

“…I would caution against using them. Property damage is expensive, and I would assuredly make your precious students pay for it.”

Celestia put one hand in her blazer and set it on the pistol. “Let’s talk about this.”

“It’s too late for negotiations. I tried that. I tried being nice with you, and it got me nowhere.”

The skitter of claws on the floor brought Sunset’s gaze sharply to a side hall. Red eyes glared at her from the darkness beyond, and a quick look around showed the same by the stairs.

With one hand holding her gun, Sunset pulled Whooves’ gift from her pocket and pulled the trigger. A thin beam of brilliance shot from the light gun, illuminating a dozen white forms in the darkened hallway. They hissed and fled the light. The closest snapped at her instead of running, and paid the price as Sunset’s beam seared it to ash.

“Ghasts,” she murmured. She whipped to face another hall and tried playing the light across more than one of them. The shortened contact seemed to cause nothing more than smoked skin, and this time they all scurried out of sight.

Sunset turned back to the original hall to find the lurkers back in place. She swallowed hard and took a step closer to Celestia. At least the ghasts could only watch, with the assembly hall in artificial daylight.

On cue, the lights flickered. They remained on, but the threat was clear.

Sunset looked to her mentor, feeling a brief thrill of annoyance. Celestia was still focused on the speaker, uselessly negotiating with someone who obviously wanted them dead.

…And in doing so, milked information for Luna. Sunset smiled, in spite of it all.

“I don’t understand,” Celestia offered. “What did I do? Is this about me killing vampires?”

“Of course not,” the voice on the other end scoffed. “I care nothing for the dim-witted bloodsuckers you put in the ground. As far as I am concerned, all your battles were just rats fighting rats.”

“So why this?” Celestia asked. “Why now? Was it when Cadence discovered you?”

Cinch gave a brisk laugh. “Don’t insult me. I let the idiot get away.”

“To lure me here.” A brief, grim smile fell on Celestia’s face, quickly lost to her frown. “But I still don’t understand. You said you tried negotiations? What did we negotiate?”

“You know very well what it was.”

Celestia gave a joyless laugh. “Honestly, I don’t! In the last year or more, all we discussed was the Friendship Games. Even most of that was just in the last couple months, with you wanting…”

She trailed off, eyes blinking wider. “…No.”

“No?” Sunset echoed.

Celestia shook her head wildly, a mad grin forming on her face. “No, no, no. Cinch, tell me this isn’t about the Friendship Games.”

Silence. Celestia’s grin only grew as her calm fell apart. “It is! Abacus, you short-sighted mosquito, this is about the stupid contest!?”

“Amusing. A human lectures me on short-sightedness.”

The droll tone from the speakers dropped to one of low anger. “Now see here, you self-righteous child. I have spent centuries building Crystal Prep into the institution it is today. European royalty and third-world dictators alike pay me to take their brats, because I offer one thing no other school can: Perfection. Literal lifetimes of perfect results, creating a perfectly unsullied reputation that has only now been blemished. I’m not surprised a second-rate principal like you would cheat to win, but the blindness of the Friendship Games committee has forced my hand.”

Celestia’s grin morphed to a roar. “I did not cheat! You know why? Because it was a stupid game! You’re doing this over a stupid game that nobody but you cares about.”

“Incorrect.” Cinch’s voice turned to acid as the lights flickered again. “I am doing this for my reputation and the reputation of Crystal Prep. Things far more valuable than the lives of some measly humans.”

“Wait,” Celestia said quickly. “‘Some’ humans? More than us?”

Cinch’s words picked up a kind of angry glee. “Yes. Let me tell you about it; I want you to know what will become of your own reputation. Crystal Prep is taking a little field trip to Canterlot High this afternoon. My students will spread their disgusting gift to yours, and I will take great pleasure in personally infecting or disemboweling every one of your band of idiot hunters. The next day, you, Miss Celestia, will be all over the news. With brain worms in their blood, your own students will testify to your cheating, corruption, molestation and abuse. Canterlot High will be destroyed, its students dispersed to the other public morgues of education. In light of the scandal, the Games committee will have no choice but to reverse your win.”

“You FUCK!”

Celestia was a calm woman by nature. Polite. She had actually never used that most naughty of words before today.

Even she was a little shocked that it was only the start. “You petty, small-minded bitch, you think I care about my reputation? You’re about to murder people and destroy lives for a stupid set of random contests! That’s, that’s… I can’t even! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’m a high school principal! This is dumber than… I, I don’t know. This is like someone turning evil because a childhood friend moved away. It’s random, and it doesn’t even make sense! No one cares about your precious perfection, you square-jawed leech. It only exists in your undead brain. I…”

She took a deep breath, and failed to calm down in the slightest. “I hunt because I have to. It’s part of my job, to protect and nurture my students. I don’t particularly enjoy it. But for you, Cinch, I’m going to take a damn lot of pleasure pounding a stake through your heart by shoving it down your throat!”

“No.” Cinch’s rebuttal was calm and even. “You are going to get ripped apart by ghasts. Goodbye, Miss Celestia.”

The lights flickered, one last time. Taunting them. Growls emerged from the hallways beyond. Four entrances – far too many to hold. Celestia and Sunset stood back-to-back in the middle of the room, giving them a little open ground to fire on. Pistols were in their hands, and Sunset awkwardly held the light gun alongside hers.

The yellow teen chuckled weakly. “I’m gonna tell Aunt Luna you said ‘fuck.’”

“She already knows.” Celestia smiled, very softly. A little sadly.

“Sunset? Honestly, I don’t think she can both protect the school and rescue us.”

“Oh.”

Sunset swallowed hard, then shuffled her back against Celestia’s. “Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“We’re gonna win. We’re gonna thump these chumps.”

Celestia nodded. Her smile was gone, leaving skill in its wake. “Shoot when you know you’ll hit. We take the first wave as it comes. Then when they’re thinking twice, we make for the stairs.”

Celestia felt, rather than saw, Sunset nod her head. They were facing away from each other, and the lights had gone out.

AND THE MAN IN THE BACK SAID EVERYONE ATTACK AND IT TURNED INTO A BALLROOM BLITZ

The second staff meeting of the day. Disruptive as hell for the classes, but that was nothing compared to what came next.

Luna slammed her hands on the table, summoning the room to order. “Alright, guys. A horde of zombies are about to attack the school…”

She winced as the inevitable sounds of celebration went off, then finished. “And we can’t kill them.”

The noise died at once, replaced by confused silence. Luna explained. “Principal Cinch has infected her students with brain worms and is leading them here. She’s looking to have them bite and control our student body so she can engineer scandals to destroy Canterlot High.”

Cranky coughed into his sleeve. “Bitch.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we know. Anyway, the kids themselves are innocent, so we need to figure out a countermeasure that doesn’t involve automatic weapons. I think that we–”

Redheart cut in with a snort. “Send all the students home? Let Cinch attack an empty school.”

Luna made to respond, but Harshwhinny spoke first. “Result: they pursue us to the residential areas, possibly spreading the infection as they go. Cinch’s fixation on Canterlot High might be all that’s keeping this contained.”

“Point,” Luna said. “So I’m thinking–”

“We seal the building.” Cranky racked his pistol to punctuate the words. “Make it a fortress. Take my old sniper rifle, look for Cinch, and give her a new nostril.”

Luna held up a hand. “Well actually–”

Cheerilee shook her head. “Too few of us. They find one unguarded window and all we’ll have done is lock ourselves in. I’m thinking we fort up in the gym. There’s room for all the students, and it’s small enough that we can actually cover all the entrances.”

“I don’t–”

“Much as Iron Will loves his gym…” Iron Will’s words brought a loud groan out of Luna. He blinked at her, uncomprehending, before he finished. “If we take ourselves out of the picture like that, Cinch can just throw her students at us until we’re overrun.”

Whooves looked up from his phone. “So we don’t take ourselves from the picture. We barricade our students in the gym, but we fight from outside. Ideally then while Crystal Prep is laying siege, we’ll get our chance at Cinch.”

Harshwhinny’s natural frown deepened. “By ‘we,’ you mean ‘you,’ correct?”

“Don’t you think things are desperate enough for me to help fight?”

“No.”

Redheart’s laconic voice came from her spot at the window. “Good a plan as any. Not to sound alarmist, but like eight school buses just pulled up.”

“Crap,” Cheerilee squeaked. She fumbled for her pistol, speaking quickly. “I wish Celestia was here. I mean, what do we all do?”

Luna brightened. “Well, Iron Will should–”

“Iron Will, hold the gym entrance.” Harshwhinny pointed at him. “Incapacitate any Crystal Prep student that comes your way. Whooves, organize the students to get the place fortified.”

Cranky Doodle nodded and followed up. “Right. I’ll get my bolt-action, Nagatha, you grab the big ol’ shotgun Celestia keeps in her desk. God knows what kind of vampire Cinch is, so silver in a handgun might not take her down. Cheerilee, you herd students to the gym, and don’t be afraid to club a preppie if it means not getting bit.”

“I’ll grab my phosphorus bomb.” Redheart looked just a little too happy with the announcement. “I’ll only get one shot, but hey, that’s all I need.”

Celestia wasn’t here to tell her ‘no.’ Harshwhinny nodded. “Right. Break.”

“What about me?” Luna asked.

The others paused. A few uncomfortable glances were shared before Whooves put forth the solution. “Go on the P.A. and tell the students. Get them moving, but also try not to start a panic.”

A high-pitched, wince-inducing squeal brought the school speakers to life. Students looked up from books and lunches, curious what the second announcement of the day would bring. Some were already whispering guesses as to who ‘Sunset got in trouble’ when Vice Principal Luna’s voice cracked through.

“May I have your attention, please. The entire student body of Crystal Prep has surrounded the school and is presently charging from all sides. They will seek to bite you, which will spread their infection and make you like them. Please proceed to the gym as quickly as humanly possible. Your faculty will try to protect those of you who make it. Thank you.”

With a last squeal, the speakers turned off.

Utter, complete, and deathly silence fell upon the lunch hall.

Then, Sonata began to scream.

She was not the last. And over the din, a crash could be heard as the front doors slammed in, and music flooded the school.

“Oh, yeah!” Lemon Zest screamed as she rode the wave of Crystal Prep students through the door. Her boom box thudded its tune over one arm, the other pointing dramatically forward. “You know what everyone says! Crystal Prep bites.”

“Go Crystal Prep!” Sour Sweet cheered. She grabbed the first Canterlot student and bit him on the shoulder. She spat blood and chewed her tongue, finishing with a grumbled, “Really. It bites.”

Cinch followed at a sedate pace, watching with annoyance as her mob overwhelmed the ill-lucked students by the main door. Disorderly, violent, undisciplined… and loud. The brain worms enforced her will, but sadly left her minions’ personalities intact. Especially regrettable for Miss Zest.

Still: needs-musts.

Celestia slammed in her last clip. She fired as she raised the gun, unfortunately only hitting the ghast in the leg. At least it staggered and tripped the six swarming behind it.

Sunset had been less disciplined with her ammo. “I’m dry!” she shrieked. She flashed the damn silly light gun around in front of her. The ghasts on her end flinched, more from surprise than pain. It bought the hunters a second.

Celestia fired again, hitting a face. Again, into another damn leg. Twelve shots left. No end to the ghasts.

No fear. She had a plan.

The grenade would go to the back hallway, where they had come from. That would be the egress – the fire doors would be closed, but not locked. State regulations said they couldn’t be, and Cinch, of course, would never risk a safety violation staining her school. Celestia would call for Sunset to run for it. That Celestia would be right behind. Sunset would flee, taking the steps two at a time, and ram right through the doors. Into the light.

Ghasts were faster than humans. And Celestia still had… now, eight bullets left.

Sunset would turn. Celestia would not be there. No hope for poor Cadence, either, but that couldn’t be helped. Sunset would be safe, and that was the priority.

Six bullets left. Had to act now, while she could slow the ghasts.

A four-year old memory popped into her head: A nightmare rousing her from slumber, that set her into a fit of weeping that woke Luna. Different than the usual nightmare.

“I was in a nursing home,” Celestia had told her sleepy sister. “Old and withered. I had forgotten everything, and I kept calling for mother. That’s going to be me one day. I’ll forget everything, then disappear.”

Luna had waited for the tears to end before responding. “Tia? Trust me when I say you’ll look on this in the morning and laugh. We’re vampire hunters. That’s not in the cards for us.”

The words weren’t exactly pleasant, but coming from Luna, they were. Her cynical, bitter humor was familiar and comforting, and Celestia had been able to get back to sleep.

Celestia’s mouth quirked upwards. Strange, the things one thinks about.

“Not in the cards.”

Four bullets. Now or nev–

“I have an idea!” Sunset screamed.

Celestia already had one hand on the grenade. “What?”

“Take off your pants!”

Celestia’s mind froze, but instinct kept her moving. Two shots, two more dead ghasts. Two bullets left.

“…What?”

“THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!”

Two more shots. The gun clicked empty.

No choice, now. Celestia dropped the gun and frantically undid her belt. Her slip-on shoes fell away along with the purple slacks. She stumbled out of them as quickly as she could, not even daring to wonder what in the actual hell was going on.

Sunset was practically spinning in place, using the pinpoint light to keep the swarm at bay. But they were realizing the instant’s touch did no damage, and some had already begun to charge once more.

“On your back! Stick up your legs! Do it!”

Celestia obediently laid down. She winced and closed her eyes as the cold linoleum touched through her white underwear, but she thrust her legs to the ceiling and braced for death.

“Make a wish,” Sunset muttered. She pointed her light gun at the pale pink legs and fired.

What happened next was… a religious moment. Sunset knew Celestia’s legs had a way of amplifying light, and sure enough, they glowed neon under the focused brilliance. But it didn’t stop there. Whiteness blurred out the rest of Sunset’s vision, and noise like the ocean filled her ears. Colors spilled out from the legs, but these were no colors Sunset had ever seen. They were impossible, like the color of sound, taste, or love. Dozens of them – and with each new color, she forgot the last.

The ocean’s roar fell to an odd pattering sound. Sunset realized it hadn’t been the ocean, but a hundred undead bodies turning to ash, and now falling to the floor.

Through it all, the long neon legs remained unchanged. They turned sideways now…

Oh. No, they hadn’t turned sideways. Sunset had fallen over.

“We’re at the car, Sunset. Let me get the door open for you.”

Sunset let Celestia guide her into the passenger seat. Muscle memory let her pull down the seat belt while Celestia got in on the other side.

Sunset blinked, and the leg-shaped sunspots invaded the whiteness in her vision. But they were smaller than before, and the whiteness around was greying. She smiled as the car began to move. “I can see the motion. I’m definitely getting better.”

“Good.” Celestia’s voice came from her left. “We’re going to make a quick stop at home first for guns and ammo. I also have a Taser; it might help deal with infected students.”

“Good plan.”

They drove in silence for a moment before Celestia asked, “How did you know that would happen? With the, ah, legs and all.”

“I knew that your legs amplify direct light; I saw it with the hall light once when you were asleep. I definitely didn’t think they would work so well, but we were out of options.”

“Not quite,” Celestia said quietly.

“Hm?”

“Never mind.” Celestia gave Sunset a smile, though it probably went unseen. “Just… when we tell people about this, can we say we fought them off the normal way?”

“Sure thing.” Sunset returned the smile as they pulled onto the freeway, and Celestia stepped on the gas.

Author's Note

This is a cartoon, blunt trauma just knocks people out for a while.

A flying kick brought Cheerilee’s heel into the jaw of an infected student. Fancy Pants, if memory served. Hopefully he’d forget about it later.

The girl he tackled started to rise, and Cheerilee backed off quickly. “Stop. Did he bite you?”

Fluttershy patted at herself, then shook her head. “No.”

“Great. Get to the gym, you’ll be safe there.”

“…Hopefully,” Cheerilee added after the girl fled the hall. The more she thought about it, the more she doubted it was a good idea. The gym was on one side of a very long school, and with infected preppies coming in from all over, the students on the far end were absolutely screwed. The dumber ones had already run head-first into the mob and been promptly bitten. The others were fleeing, hiding, and dodging their way from one disaster to the next. Moving to the higher floors or basement, with Crystal Prep invariably on their heels.

A bad plan, but what could Cheerilee do? She wasn’t Celestia. None of them were. And now the hunters were scattered with a vampire in their midst…

She could feel one of her panic attacks coming on. Like a hand squeezing her heart, causing her breath to come in shallow gasps.

It was a useless fear, and Cheerilee knew what to do. Shaking fingers worked their way into a rip in her plain white blouse. One hand gripped and the other pulled, ripping her garment down the side.

A relieved breath shot out, like it was the blouse itself that had squeezed. Cheerilee smiled as she worked the tear all the way around, exposing her midriff and most of her ribs.

…There we go. Infected students? Big problem for a boring teacher. Stalking vampire? Obviously, the love-struck ditz would be the first hunter down. But Cheerilee was neither of those. She was the action-trope hottie who would save the world and look good doing it. Like the heroes of those over-muscled animes she definitely didn’t watch, Cheerlee got stronger the more her wardrobe vanished.

She found more trouble down the hall – Applejack and Pinkie Pie had managed to block off the stairway, but the doors couldn’t lock, and weight of numbers were slowly forcing them open.

The doors slammed shut as Cheerilee rocketed into them. Fists punched in their windows, but she only grinned savagely as the hands grabbed for her.

“Run!” she called, and the students needed no second bidding.

A male voice sailed out from beyond the door. “Come back, my sweet Applejack! Let me kiss you, and we shall be zombie lovers forever!”

Applejack neither came nor looked back. “Trenderhoof, fer the last time, it ain’t meant ta be!”

A blue-grey face entered the window opposite Cheerilee. Despite the shrimpy frame beneath pushing as hard as it could, the girl still lowered her head to peer condescendingly over her glasses.

“All that exposed skin just makes it easier for us to bite you.”

“Can it, Sugarcoat,” Cheerilee snapped. Her shoes caught a groove in the floor and she braced from it, setting her shoulder against the bucking door.

Gasping, Rainbow ducked through the door and Rarity slammed it shut behind. The fashionista’s legs wobbled above her impractical high-heeled shoes. She gave Rainbow a despairing look as she sank to the ground. “No good. These are fire doors, darling, we can’t lock them. Ooh, we should have jumped out a window while we had the chance.”

“Third floor. Broken ankle.” Rainbow’s voice was a shrug. She fidgeted with the metal rods that crisscrossed the doors, smiling as one slid in her grasp. “These ones can lock, actually. I did it for a prank last April.”

Rarity stood, casting a glance to the empty hall behind them. “I thought that wasn’t allowed?”

Rainbow smirked as the rod clicked into a new place. “Technically, but these babies are old as the school. I overheard Miss Luna complaining about it a while back. The feds said to replace the doors, the school district wouldn’t shell out the cash, so it’s her and Miss Celestia who got blamed. Ain’t that ass-backwards?”

A scream from the other side interrupted Rarity’s response. They looked at each other, and Rainbow’s eyes narrowed. She twisted and slid the rod back to its former place.

“Dash, no.”

“Dash, yes.” Rainbow cracked her knuckles. “You saw what I did? If I don’t come back, lock it and run.”

She shouldered through the door, giving Rarity no time to talk her out of it. The scene beyond was a chaos of lost text books and spilled papers, with several wrestling figures among the debris.

Rainbow took it in at a glance. Two Canterlot students, desperately trying to fend off infected preppies. Adagio Dazzle, who took advantage of Applejack’s feelings, and Twilight Sparkle, who nearly destroyed them all at the Friendship Games.

“Twilight!” Rainbow tore straight for her friend. A few preppies were in position to interfere, but fortunately Adagio was there to distract them.

Rainbow’s flying kick knocked off Twilight’s assailant just as it got a good grip on her arm. Best of all, it was Lightning Dust – hopefully she would remember this later. “C’mon!”

Twilight obeyed at once, scrambling to her feet and following at a run. They skirted Adagio’s melee and plowed back through the fire doors.

Rarity slammed the doors as they came through, though spared a curious glance. “I thought I heard Adagio.”

“Had to choose,” Rainbow shrugged. “It was–”

A fresh scream interrupted, followed by a voice through the door. “Adagio, save me!”

“Save yourself, taco freak!”

Rarity laid a hand on Rainbow’s shoulder, face serious. “You got lucky once. We need to–”

Rainbow slipped from her grasp and ran back into the contested hall. Adagio now faced off against three kids in Crystal Prep uniforms, but had snatched up a baseball bat and now held them at bay. Further down the hall, Sonata crawled from a mob creeping up on her.

Too many to fight. At least, without an edge.

Rainbow’s eyes narrowed, and she took off. Honed from ten years of soccer training, her legs devoured the distance to the prone siren. And at just the right instant, one hand reached out and snatched Adagio’s bat on the way by.

“Stay back!” Rainbow swung the bat furiously, stalemating the mob. Infected they might be, but some retained self-preservation caused them to stop. “I have a bat!”

Sonata held up a leather-covered hand. “And I have a mitt!”

“Get up, Sonata!”

“Can’t.” Sonata pointed at a raspberry bulge on her leg. “Ankle’s all twisty.”

“God damn it!” Rainbow tossed her bat into the horde, getting one final flinch to work with. She scooped up Sonata and ran, carrying the cheering girl back down the hall.

“Hi Adagio!” Sonata called out as they passed the yellow siren, now cornered by her assailants. “Bye, Adagio!”

“RAINBOW DASH, IF I GET BIT I SWEAR TO DISCORD THAT I’LL HUNT YOU DOWN!”

“SORRY! CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE KARMA!” Rainbow passed through the fire door and dropped Sonata with a grunt. “Right, right, ‘got lucky once.’ Let’s beat it.”

“What about Adagio?” Rarity asked.

Sonata pointed down the hall. “Screw her, let’s go!”

“I HEARD THAT!”

The blue siren stuck out her tongue to the closed door. “Well you stole my cookie, so bleaugh!”

Twilight squinted to others. She waved her fingers before her eyes and sighed. “You guys go ahead. My glasses are back in there and I can’t see a thing.”

“You heard the lady, let’s go!” Sonata cheered.

But Rainbow was already moving. Once more through the fire door and past Adagio, who was doing surprisingly well for herself. Of the three original assailants, one was laid out cold and another clutched his groin and quivered on the ground. The last had tackled her, and now used weight and gravity to slowly push down her warding arms.

In other words, he was neatly out of the way. With the mob approaching at a disorganized stumble, Rainbow was able to reach where Twilight fell at a light jog. Ignoring the unconscious Lightning Dust, she picked up the fallen glasses and turned back to the door.

Rarity had stepped out behind her this time, and slugged Adagio’s assailant with her inordinately-heavy purse. The pair of them fell in with Rainbow on her way back. They locked the door on the other side, this time for good.

Rainbow held out the plastic frames to Twilight with a grin. “Here you go, Velma.”

Her purple friend scowled, but responded with, “Jinkies.”

While Twilight retrieved her glasses, Adagio gave Rarity a white-toothed smile. “Thanks! I mean it. Really, high time we put the past behind us.”

Rarity beamed. “Well darling, it’s like I always say…”

“Now then.” Adagio shoved Rarity to the side and leapt on Dash with a roar. The pair fell to the ground, trading punches and insults while Sonata cheered at them to “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

All five of them froze as the door buckled inward with a solid whump. The small metal rod locking it rattled ominously… then popped off with the second slam.

“Run!” Rainbow screamed. She yanked Adagio to her feet and they fled as the door burst behind them.

It all happened so damn fast. The meeting broke. Redheart ran to her office and began loading up. Grenades. Knives. A handgun. More grenades. And the phosphorus bomb – that thing Celestia said she wasn’t allowed to use. It crossed the line from ‘effective’ to ‘insane.’ Not just phosphorus, but a cocktail of fluids that roasted without fire. A drop on the arm would lose you the arm.

Redheart slipped the ceramic jar in her lab coat’s pocket. Dangerous. Easily ruptured. That was the damn point. Three hundred student lives were at stake, and the hunters had no plan or heavy gear. It was time to improvise.

No time to even collect her thoughts when the door slammed in. Redheart turned with knife in hand to see two of Canterlot’s own, with a groaning third on Flash Sentry’s back.

“Miss Redheart!” Trixie screamed, dashing into the room so fast she tripped on her cape. “Quick!”

Flash set his burden down on the bed in a sitting position. Redheart leaned over the sweating, groaning Cranky Doodle and shrugged. No sign of wound or injury…

Oh, except for the leg. It definitely wasn’t supposed to bend that way.

“You’ve got a broken leg,” she said.

Cranky let out a gravelly sigh. “Thank you, Doctor Obvious.”

“I’m not a doctor, I’m a nurse. We need this thing splinted. It’s going to hurt a lot.”

“How much time?” Cranky grumbled. “Cinch looked pretty peeved with me.”

A low whistle slid through Redheart’s lips as she opened the gauze cabinet. “Bitch Queen herself? How far?”

“Third floor, unless she followed us. Kinda held her off while these two slid down the elevator ropes, then jumped down myself. Bad news, silver bullets don’t do much.”

Redheart shrugged again. “Eh, they never work on the old vampires. S’cool, though. I got an ace.”

“How can you all be so calm!” Trixie shrieked. “Cinch is a vampire. A vampire! How can vampires be real?”

Flash scratched at his ear, chuckling weakly. “I thought you were a vampire expert?”

“And you’ve been stalking us for six months.” Redheart tossed a gauze roll to Cranky, who caught it without looking. She strode to the door and peeked out, then slammed it shut immediately. “Yeah, she followed you.”

“Trixie thought you were LARPing!” Trixie flailed her arms in the air. She coughed abruptly and spat out her fake fangs on the ground.

“I don’t know what that means.” Redheart pointed to her, then Cranky. “You guys: out the window, then get to the gym. Bind his leg there. Cranky, this will hurt like shit.”

“Feh.” Game as ever, the old teacher only scowled. “No worse than what Hitler’s boys did to me.”

Flash looked askance at that, and began counting on his fingers while Trixie asked, “What about you?”

“Gonna hunt vampires, Trix.” Redheart smiled and patted her arm. “Or buy you time, depending how things go. Now get moving.”

While her left hand gripped the doorknob, Redheart’s right fingered the phosphorus bomb. It felt hot, though that was her nerves talking. She’d never even used one before. No guarantee it would work.

Out the door, before she could think about how stupid it was. But it wasn’t – not really. Best case scenario, Cinch got a face full of scalding hot justice. Worst case, at least she’ll be off the kids’ trail. And if Redheart got disemboweled she wouldn’t have to be a nurse anymore, so there was that too. Important to be optimistic in this job.

She walked out slowly, hands in her pockets. Didn’t want to startle Cinch. Wanted her to gloat. Vampires loved gloating.

She turned, and saw the vampire.

And the mass of students around her. And a young Crystal Prep girl held aloft by Cinch’s left arm.

…Well. Redheart took her hand from the bomb. At least the others got away.

Didn’t stop her from being mad. “A human shield? God, you’re a bitch.”

“You got that right,” Sugarcoat grumbled from Cinch’s arm.

“Good students remain quiet,” Cinch hissed, then looked to Redheart. “As for you, Miss Mad Bomber…”

“Hey, I’m not mad. I enjoy my bombing very much.”

“So noted.” Cinch rolled her eyes. “Now. Time to fall into line.”

Redheart spun on a heel. Stupid, even under the best of circumstances. No way she could outrun a vampire, not even without the infected preppies coming in from behind.

She tried. Not brawny like Iron Will, or dexterous like Luna. No knives, no guns or bombs. No fair. She pushed one of the students to the side, but three more wrestled her to the ground.

She felt a frozen hand clutch her head. Felt it tilt her upwards to see Cinch’s smile, then felt the bite on her arm.

“Whooves, what the hell!?”

Professor Whooves took the stairs two at a time, phone to his ear. “Can we talk later?”

“No!” Miss Harshwhinny snarled from the other end. “You’re supposed to be fortifying the gym. Mister Will can't hold them off forever.”

Whooves glanced through the stairwell door, smiling at the empty corridor beyond. “I don’t know about that. I saw a student bite him hard as she could and it didn’t break the skin.”

“Fine, that’s one entrance covered. What about the other?”

Whooves’ smile vanished. “Oh dear.”

Harshwhinny gave her trademarked growl-sigh. “Where are you even going?”

“My classroom.” Whooves tiptoed to a bend in the hall, peered ahead, and went on. “I forgot something.”

Another harsh sigh came from the other end. “I feel I might regret this, but: what?”

Whooves beamed as he shifted the phone to his shoulder, using both hands to fiddle through his keys. “A cure for the brain worms. After the event two years ago with them I studied what was left, and found they’re deathly allergic to certain spices and chemicals that are harmless to humans. I made a gas-bomb with that in mind, capable of destroying all brain worms in a one-block area while leaving their hosts untouched. Well, save for some copious secretions from–”

“Whooves.”

He paused, key in hand. “Yes?”

“Why are you only thinking of this now?” Harshwhinny asked.

“I forgot.”

Surprisingly, the revelation seemed to make her less angry. The next words were a resigned growl. “Whooves, I am going to kill you.”

“After I save the day, you mean?” Whooves quipped. Grinning cheekily, he unlocked his door and pulled it open to find thirty Crystal Prep students within.

“OH, COME ON!” he roared, directly into the phone. “What were you guys doing? Waiting for a bus!?”

It was as much as he got out before the mob flooded over him.

Without any adults in the gym, the refugee students had no choice but to take their own measures. An impromptu command center formed in the basketball court, staffed by the Rainbooms. The other students had unanimously volunteered them to, quote Flash Sentry, “Do that ‘save-the-day’ thing again.”

“We need all of us to use our pony magic,” Fluttershy told him, fidgeting with her nails. “Sunset included.”

“Huh.” With no backup plan in mind, Flash shrugged. “Boner.”

“Yep.”

The other Rainbooms were stepping up, at least, and the students followed their lead. Applejack leaned over from the bleachers, hammering boards across the windows with Gilda and Coco Pommel. Twilight examined the parking lot entrance, while Rarity piled junk behind the school doors. Rainbow had enlisted Spitfire and Aria Blaze to case the sports rooms for any weapons they could find.

Pinkie Pie screamed and ran in circles with the also-screaming Sonata, but four out of six Rainbooms wasn’t bad.

“What about you?” Flash asked.

Fluttershy twirled a finger through her hair and looked down. “‘What about me,’ what?”

“Aren’t you, like, a superhero?”

“No, I just hang out with them.”

“Hey Flash!” Trixie screamed across the floor as she wheeled an amplifier to the stage. “Give Trixie a hand with her stuff!”

Flash turned to her. “Trix, what are you doing?”

“We are under attack by vampires,” Trixie huffed. “Trixie knows at least three werewolf songs. It might frighten them off.”

“O...kay.” Flash shrugged and followed, grumbling under his breath. “Six months. Six beautiful months of nothing insane happening, down the drain.”

Fluttershy waved, though his back was already turned. Breathing a sigh, she wandered over to the windows. Maybe Applejack needed help with something that didn't require any strength or dexterity.

The farm girl and her crew were disentangling themselves from the support bars behind the bleachers as Fluttershy approached. She smiled at Fluttershy’s offer, but shook her head. “Nah, sugar; actually I was gonna see if the others need anything. The windows are secure as they’re gonna get with what we’ve got to work with. Guess we could start makin’ window-bars out of the bleachers, but they won't do much good unless I can find more nails.”

“You can forget about those,” Rainbow called as she jogged up to join them. “Aria, Spits and I went through every locker, drawer, and closet in this place, and no nails. Far as weapons go we've got twenty bats and hockey sticks, thirty golf clubs, and plenty of balls. Plus, um, three chainsaws. And two bottles of whiskey we found in the back with Miss Redheart’s name on them.”

Gilda held up her purse. “Ooh, give ‘em here. I got rags and a lighter.”

“Whoa, hey.” Applejack tried to wave them off, but Aria cheerfully handed Gilda the whiskey. “We’re fightin’ our fellow students, here. We ain’t killin’ nobody just because their parents were mean enough to send ‘em to Crystal Prep.”

“Yadda, yadda.” Gilda was already sprinkling whiskey on one of the rags. “Chill your tits, cowgirl. It’s for the vampire. The only one allowed to bite my neck is Thunderlane.”

Rainbow made a disgusted noise, drawing a laugh from Gilda. “Tee-em-eye. Anyway, peeps, let’s talk the problem areas. If we get overrun, it’ll be either from the parking lot or school entrance. Mister Will’s holding the parking one, but even he can’t keep it up forever.”

A voice boomed from that direction, carrying across the court. “You kids keep biting, BUT IRON WILL KEEPS FIGHTING!”

“...Probably.” Rainbow acknowledged the ambiguity with a shrug. “Let's check on the school entrance first.”

A brief walk showed it was good as could be expected. The doors to the rest of the school opened towards the gym, making blocking them off a simple matter. They couldn’t lock, but a pile of trashcans, chairs, and sports equipment did the job. One door was left open as an escape route, guarded by several bat-armed students in football helmets.

“All quiet?” Rainbow asked.

One of the helmeted students raised a white hand in a thumbs-up motion.

“Great, thanks Vinyl. Let's see how Mr. Will is doing.”

Outside the exterior gym door, Iron will sat hard on the stairs. Sweat soaked his white polo shirt around the armpits and neck, and his breath came in heavy gasps. Pink marks dotted his arms where students had bitten, though none broke through, or even really hurt.

Except for that last one, but it wasn’t a bite. A dodgy, athletic girl named Indigo Zap had slid beneath his guard to kick him square in the legs. Hurt like the dickens, but she got the worst of it. Iron Will’s crotch, like the rest of his body, was rock-hard from constant exercise. The girl now lay off to the side, moaning and clutching her sprained foot.

Two students guarded Iron Will’s flanks, gird with what tools the sports locker could give: Bulk Biceps, in hockey goalie’s armor, and Adagio Dazzle, who apparently had some aggression to work out. They stood by him, watching stoically as the school doors opened and a shambling horde flooded the parking lot. Most wore the purple sweaters of Crystal Prep, though a sizable minority were dressed casually. Infected Canterlot High students.

“Sunset, Sunset...” Adagio gripped her hockey stick, looking eagerly into the crowd before groaning. “Come on! My one chance for teacher-approved payback and I don’t see her anywhere.”

Iron Will was silent, watching the lone, tall form of Principal Cinch approach through the crowd.

“Hey – bring it in.” Iron Will set a huge hand on each of his allies’ shoulders. “Get inside and block the door. I’ll buy you time. If the bad guys break through, summon your manly strength and fight to win.”

Adagio raised her hand. “I’m not a man.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Iron Will said lowly, with the wisdom of ages. Passed from his mentor to him, and now to these two students.

The siren bristled. “I think I’d know if I–”

Iron Will hugged the pair, pressing their faces to his sweaty pits. “Manliness isn’t a boy-girl thing. It is a spirit – an energy that flows through us all. Race, culture, age, gender – it matters not. Anyone can be a man when the time comes to stand for what is right. And no matter the odds, a true man can carry the day to victory. Remember that and go.”

He released them from the moist embrace. Tears were in Bulk Biceps’ eyes. He sniffed loudly, saluted, and turned to the gym. Adagio followed – also in tears, and with green, puffed-out cheeks that deposited their contents in the bushes before she made it to the door.

Iron Will closed his eyes, and took a deep breath in.

Behind him, a cold voice spoke. “You’ve saved nothing.”

He turned. Cinch loomed before him: a tall, dark-coated figure before a sea of burgundy vests. Poised as ever, and despite the words, seemingly gripped with her habitual anger. “I suppose I should thank you. Bringing all the students into one place saves the trouble of hunting them down.”

Weirdly, she toyed with a glass chalice as she spoke. Iron Will exhaled slowly, and raised his meaty fists.

He laughed, as a memory sprang. “You know, a few months back a hag who lives in the Everfree told Iron Will his future. She said Iron Will would meet his end in truly worthy battle, against a truly worthy foe. All else before then would be mere practice for that day.”

Cinch arched an eyebrow, frowning expectantly.

“So that’s why…” Iron Will let the last word fade, drawing out the wait before he smiled. “Iron Will knows he will not fall to you. Iron Will shall fall to a worthy foe, and lady, you ain’t it. I mean, really: the Friendship Games?”

Cinch’s expression of controlled annoyance leapt to one of unbridled wrath. She inhaled, trembling violently as Iron Will went on. “You shall not defeat me, for Iron Will’s massive pecs and manly strength can see him through even the–”

“WHAT IS A MAN!?” Cinch snarled. She cast the chalice to the pavement and it shattered. “A miserable little pile of secrets!”

Cinch grabbed at her dress and ripped – everyone in the crowd recoiled in horror, but a second glance showed it had merely changed. The deep blue fabric morphed into a high-collar cape, with a white shirt and burgundy pants beneath.

“But enough talk,” she sneered, then charged. “Have at you!”

From inside, the varied students of Canterlot High watched the battle through windows and door frames. Initial shouts of encouragement turned to stunned silence, and sympathetic wincing.

After several painful seconds, Fluttershy stepped back from the door and covered her eyes. The others watched in rapt horror, except for Sonata, who grinned weirdly, and Pinkie, who found a bubble blower and was playing with it.

“Wow,” Rainbow managed. “She is really kicking his ass.”

Adagio slapped her on the back of the head. “Worry about us, dumbass! That crowd is getting close and all we’ve got are unlocked, outwards-swinging doors.”

Aria followed her lead, pointing an accusatory finger at Twilight. “Twilight-Two! You were in charge of securing this place, and you blew it! I thought you were smart.”

Twilight Sparkle pushed up her glasses, face in a glower. “First, don’t call me that. Second, being smart doesn’t give me the power to summon construction material with my brain.”

“They are charging,” Rarity said, backing off from the doors.

Spitfire leaned forward, watching. “Use the bleachers, maybe?”

“No way we’ll get them through the entryway,” Applejack said. “We gotta skedaddle. Get out the other entrance into the school.”

Adagio slapped a fist into her palm. “Through that one unblocked door? Like three of us will make it before they hit our rear. We have to fight. Summon our manly strength and rise to the challenge.”

“I don’t know you,” Aria sneered, then gestured outside. “That worked so well for the gorilla, right? I say we tell everyone else we’re fighting and book while they keep Crystal Prep busy.”

“We can’t do–Hey!” Flash snapped as one of the doors began pulling open. He snatched it and yanked it closed, putting one foot on the door frame for power. “Guys, help!”

The others obliged, frantically pulling the doors shut against the wrestling mob.

Except the sirens, who took off running. “Later, dorks!” Aria called.

“C’mon, pull!” Rainbow called, straining to keep her door shut. It opened a fraction, revealing a glowering blue-grey face.

“You know there’s like a million of us,” Sugarcoat noted.

“Can it, Sugarcoat!” Rainbow roared. Pink hands joined hers on the door latch, and together they heaved it shut. “Any ideas, Pinkie?”

“Ever wonder why the word ‘laughter’ has a ‘G?’ It’s not pronounced ‘lagter.’”

“Cool, thanks,” Rainbow grunted. “Anyone else?”

“Get the bats!” Gilda shouted, straining against her own door. “We’ll have to fight them here!”

“Too many for that,” Applejack grunted. With both feet braced high on the door frames and both fists locked around the handle, she was the only one holding a door on her own.

“TRIXIE’S TOO YOUNG TO DIE!”

Rarity panted, both from fear and exertion. “We can’t keep this up. We need something big to block the doors.”

“Big?” Fluttershy asked, peeking out over her hands.

“And heavy!” Rarity called desperately. A slip of her heels caused her door to open slightly, and she locked surprised stares with the preppie pulling on the other side. “…Blueblood?”

“Rarity?” He looked just as surprised, and followed it with an arrogant sniff. “How’s being a gold-digging floozy working out for you?”

A serious, reproving look came to Rarity’s face. “Never mind that, what happened to your vest? It’s all dirty.”

“Where?!” Blueblood patted himself in a panic, releasing his grip.

Rarity allowed herself a quiet smirk as the door slammed shut, that faded when a yellow hand touched her shoulder. “Um… Rarity?”

Rarity tried a smile, that fell to a grunt as the door again bucked in her grasp. “Fluttershy, darling, why don’t you… leave. Very quickly. We’ll, ah, be along shortly.”

“As zombies,” Flash grumbled.

“No,” Fluttershy said with perfect calm. She stood before the doors, arms limp at her sides. “It’s you all who should get back. On my mark, move.”

Despite their straining effort, somehow all the others’ eyes found hers. They were blue – it seemed a more vivid blue than before, marked with the miracle of absolute certainty. Yet even then, they glassed with unspent tears as she whispered, “And please, please don’t think I’m a monster.”

She blinked. The tears were gone, leaving only infinite determination as she said, “Mark.”

Author's Note

Secret chapter title: "Chekov's Manatee."

Also, this:

“WHAT IS A MAN!?” Cinch snarled. She cast the chalice to the pavement and it shattered. “A miserable little pile of secrets!”

Cinch grabbed at her dress and ripped – everyone in the crowd recoiled in horror, but a second glance showed it had merely changed. The deep blue fabric morphed into a high-collar cape, with a white shirt and burgundy pants beneath.

“But enough talk,” she sneered, then charged. “Have at you!”

is a reference I have been waiting all year to drop. For those unfamiliar:

Anyway, thanks for reading. :twilightsmile: God I love using Sugarcoat.

Only a Deus Ex Machina can save us now!

Crystal Prep still crowded the gym doors. They pushed, punched, and had even brought up battering rams, all to no avail against the wall of grey blubber blocking the way.

Inside, the rest of the mass could be seen as the tremendous were-manatee named Fluttershy, lounging against the doors in her animal form. A short ways behind her, the other students slowly caught their breath after the frantic struggle. Their surprise at the transformation soon morphed to relief at their salvation.

Then, as the long minutes ticked by… boredom.

“So… how’s it going?” Twilight asked hesitantly, thoroughly unsure of the proper way to address were-manatees. “They sound pretty violent out there.”

Fluttershy shrugged with her flippers. “Barely feel it. I’m more worried about you all.”

“Whad’ya mean?” Applejack asked.

The manatee’s blue eyes looked down and away. “You guys must think I’m a monster. If you’re scared of me and want to stop being friends, I’d understand.”

“Fluttershy!” Rarity said in a scolding tone. She stepped in close and gave a hug, which in Fluttershy’s present from entailed awkwardly pressing to the bulk. “None of that. We’re friends now, friends forever!”

The others followed suit. “Scared of a manatee? My Granny’s a ghost, you silly fishie!”

“Pinkie, Manatees are not fish,” Twilight corrected. “But Fluttershy, really. Of course we’re still friends.”

“Seconded,” Applejack added. “Besides, sugar, you’re adorable.”

Rainbow nodded. “Yeah. And super-fat.”

Fluttershy gave an impotent jiggle of her body. “Yeah, thanks Rainbow. I hadn’t noticed.”

Rainbow reddened as she processed her own words, moving on quickly. “Anyway, you’re like, even more harmless than usual, so be chill. Nothing to be afraid of. I mean, except for the zombies and vampire outside.”

“Rainbow, shut up.”

Once more the brain caught up, and this time it kept pace. Rainbow leaned into the hug, and nuzzled against Fluttershy’s whiskers. “Sure thing, Flutters.”

Principal Cinch stood well back from the siege, watching as her minions struggled with the grey wall. Her intervention could blast it aside easily… but really: why? The students within weren’t going anywhere, and they were bound to break eventually. If not from here, than from the school entrance or windows. Things were sure to get violent at the end, but what else were minions for? The infected students now served a greater cause than they ever would after, preserving a reputation as fine as Crystal Prep’s.

They should thank her for the opportunity, though of course they wouldn’t. Lousy brats.

More to the point, one hunter was still unaccounted for. Cinch didn’t have a strong appraisal of Celestia’s numbers, but the veteran Miss Harshwhinny was certainly on the list. The hunter surely had some last gambit in the works, and with the students besieged, she would have to act soon.

The realization made Cinch paranoid. She called her instincts to the fore, stretching every sense in a burst of hunted awareness. For a few mad seconds, she knew nothing, but felt it all.

Cinch smelled the gunpowder from the roof of Canterlot High. She saw the glint of the rifle, hissed, and dodged with unnatural speed.

One minute earlier.

“Miss Luna, you’re leaning too far over the railing. She’ll see you.”

Luna was not in the mood. “Do you want to do this?”

Nagatha Harshwhinny didn’t blink. “Yes.”

“Tough cookies,” Luna snapped. She leaned a little further over the school’s rooftop, tracking their target through her rifle’s scope. “The angle sucks, so it’s this or nothing.”

Miss Harshwhinny arched her nose. “With proper skill, one can remain concealed even when aiming straight down. Miss Celestia has a talent for it.”

“I know,” Luna ground through her teeth. “So rest assured, I’m perfectly aware it would be better if my sister was here. We wouldn’t even be in this mess. She would have had a perfect plan that would have gone off perfectly, saving the day again because she’s just so fucking smart and talented.”

“Miss Luna, if you wish to convert me to the belief that you are an emotional adult, overt displays of jealousy are a poor way to go about it. Especially with how misplaced they are here.”

“The hell do you mean?” Luna blew a low breath from the side of her mouth. Her scope found the top of Cinch’s hair, but that wasn’t good enough. Vampires needed heart-shots, not headshots.

Without a long arm of her own, Harshwhinny fingered her pistol as she spoke. “I doubt we would have fared better with Miss Celestia. This situation is unprecedented for any of us, and I don’t think she would have formed a more compelling plan.”

Luna shrugged around the rifle. “Yeah, but if she was here at least we wouldn’t have wasted that time arguing.”

Harshwhinny matched the shrug. “True. However that is less about her strength than our weakness. We’ve relied on her leadership so long we don’t have much chain of command beneath her.”

“Of course we do,” Luna snorted. “It goes her, everyone else, then me.”

“Self-pity is not endearing either,” Harshwhinny said primly. “If you wish to not be treated like a child, perhaps you shouldn’t behave like one.”

Luna grinned without humor as her rifle tracked the moving head through the parking lot. “Yeah, because Iron Will and frickin’ Redheart are shining examples of mature adulthood.”

“But they pay their own rent and pack their own lunch,” Harshwhinny retorted. “They have accepted the responsibilities of adulthood, whereas you effectively live in your sister’s basement.”

“I have literal psychiatric issues,” Luna noted.

Harshwhinny shrugged again. “That is no excuse, I think we all do. But the government has cut funds for mental health, so instead we hunt vampires.”

“Aaaand there’s the chest.” Luna smiled grimly. “To be continued. Hello, Cinch.”

She squeezed the trigger, discharging the rifle with a sharp retort. “And goodbye, CiSHIT!”

“She dodged!” Luna shouted, quickly working the rifle’s bolt. The old casing flew away and she fired again. Then one more time, with its noise drowned by a bat-winged shape hurling upwards. The shape caught the muzzle of the gun, sending it and Luna spinning backwards.

While Luna grunted and struggled to her feet, Harshwhinny watched the wings carry its burden to land next to them. With a final flap, they turned back into the cape now settled on Cinch’s back.

Harshwhinny leveled her revolver and cocked the hammer. “Miss Cinch. I hope you are prepared to die.”

“I don’t,” Luna added, bracing her rifle. “I hope you’re completely unprepared, and that your death is traumatic and terrible. You deserve it.”

Cinch gave no response, nor offered any wit of her own. Her face was angry, and devoid of even the cruelest humor. She released an indignant sigh, muttered, “I am done with you fools,” and charged.

Two guns barked at her approach. Only Harshwhinny’s found its mark, pumping a silver bullet through Cinch’s lung. An inch from the heart – an inch too far. Cinch connected with Harshwhinny, and the two began to grapple.

Miss Harshwhinny had an athlete’s build and soldier’s skill, with neither yet diminished by her forty-four years. She had even brawled with vampires and triumphed, but never against one like Cinch. Harshwhinny was fast – Cinch was lightning. Harshwhinny’s sidestep spared her neck the charging claws, but it did not spare her revolver. The gun flew from her grasp, and Harshwhinny retaliated with a closed fist to the vampire’s temple.

Harshwhinny was strong – her foe was iron. She let a hard, reluctant groan slip as her tan knuckles broke at the impact.

The groan was more than just pain. She knew what came next.

She wrestled as hard as she could, out of stubbornness and pride. Cinch’s lightning speed countered Harshwhinny easily, and her strength brought the history teacher aloft in her grasp. Without word or second look, Cinch hurled the wounded Harshwhinny ten feet, over the railing and off the roof.

All this happened before Luna could lever the bolt for a new shot. She completed the task with panicked speed, but couldn’t even aim before Cinch was upon her. The rifle discharged with a last desperate effort, hitting nothing but sky. A dismissive slap crushed the weapon in Luna’s grasp, and cold fingers grabbed her collar. A hoist and a yelp carried her upwards, and over the roof’s edge.

But Cinch did not drop her. Not yet. With her legs dangling above a three-story fall, Luna watched the stern woman regard her as if pondering a question.

It only lasted a few seconds before Cinch spoke, her thoughtfulness replaced with an indifferent frown. “Hm… infecting you would be worth it. It would help to have a vice-principal support the coming testimonies against Celestia. But no, you are her kin, and it will give me immense pleasure to purge her bloodline from the world.”

The decision made, she gave one brief nod. “Any last words?”

Luna glanced down, and spat to the ground beneath. She grinned and locked gazes with the vampire. “Yeah. When we cut off your head and burn you at the crossroads, we’ll take your ashes and stick them in the trophy we got from winning the Friendship Games.”

The now-familiar twist of rage came to Cinch’s face. But this time, it cooled back into her usual frown. She gave a slight “Hmph,” and pulled Luna back from the edge.

Abruptly, before Luna could even think to question the move, Cinch’s hand around her collar shot forward once more. Luna’s back hit the railing and kept going, doubling her backwards over the rounded steel. Something cracked horribly at the impact, bringing a dead numbness to her legs.

There was no pain, but Luna hissed as Cinch righted her from the slam. The old vampire held her steady, and as Luna looked, she saw no victory on Cinch’s face. Only the stern frown of an impatient principal.

“Celestia is dead.”

Luna’s hand had dipped to her holster. “So are you.”

She was a fast draw. The only one faster was Cheerilee. And, of course, Celestia.

Not faster than Cinch. Her free hand caught Luna’s, keeping the half-drawn pistol aimed well away. Her iron fingers wrapped around their nemeses, squeezing tightly enough to bring Luna pain.

Then… tighter. Pain-wrought tears came to Luna’s eyes as she struggled to wrest from the grasp. At first to bring the gun on Cinch, but then to pull away, or even drop the pistol as the vice closed tighter still.

Tighter. Luna finally cried out, bringing not even a smirk to Cinch’s face.

Tighter. A dozen tiny snaps filled the air. The cry turned to a long, wet shriek that heralded the end of Luna’s strength.

“Perhaps you think reinforcements will arrive in the nick of time.”

Cinch lectured, even as the scream went on. Never did she loose her grip on the collar, or the crumbling hand. “Perhaps you hope your mighty determination will give you the strength to defeat me. Maybe you’re even praying for some insipid Deus Ex Machina to save the day.”

Tighter still, though this brought no increase to the pain. “No. I don’t know what fairy tale you pulled your cheating magic from, but we both know how the true stories turn out. Heroes are absent. Maidens go unrescued. Help comes too late. You scream, you struggle, and you die without meaning. This is the way things work on Earth, but take heart. Your sojourn here is at an end.”

Luna’s eyes were already closed, and her senses had mercifully followed suit. The feeling of Cinch’s flat hand ramming through her chest was a distant, neutral one, barely noticed before her mind fell to black.

Luna wasn’t quite sure when she regained consciousness. It wasn’t a sudden, obvious moment of wakening, but rather a blurry wobble between the two ends. She blinked at the grey sky above, at once aware she had been staring at it for some time.

A feeble tilt of the head took her gaze to her body, only to turn away with the first glance. Luna scrunched her eyes closed and let her head fall back to the concrete roof.

Her mouth twisted to a smile. Man. Is this what I’ve been doing to people?

The humor was real. Ennui, social isolation, and a traumatic past had blessed or cursed Luna with indifference to her mortal coil. While the last few months had been good ones, death had its own bright side waiting for her. No more nightmares, loneliness, or bouts of depression. Consolation prizes to a very bad thing, but the simple fact was that optimism was all she had left. Death always won in the end, and in Luna’s line of work, this was the way it came: a monster’s teeth or claws.

Cinch.

The smile fled, and Luna trembled – partly from the ever-shrinking amount of blood left in her, and partly from anger. Rage and regret blew down the cynical wall in her mind. She hated this. It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t ‘just the way of things.’ Against any other monster, any one at all, she could accept her fate. But not with God-damned Principal Cinch. Doing this for the Friendship Games of all things.

Luna opened her eyes. Realized she wasn’t breathing, but didn’t feel the urge. She just felt numb.

Dead.

Luna ignored the thought and tried to rise. Couldn’t let Cinch win. Couldn’t let it end like this.

She had no sense of time. No idea how long she spent trying before she realized she hadn’t even twitched.

Cinch was right. This was Earth, not Equestria. Friendship, determination, hope… feh. Poor substitutes for an excavated chest. Luna couldn’t accept Cinch’s victory, but who cares? She ceased her struggles, letting her eyes close again.

With no breaths or noisy thoughts in the way, Luna heard something. There were distant shouts and sounds of violence, but this was closer. A sharp, heavy tapping on the concrete next to her. Like steel footsteps or horseshoes, growing closer.

Luna looked – or at least, tried to. Her vision was wobbled, grey, and blurred to near-uselessness. But it could make out two forms coming to a stop above her. A huge, shaggy horse with a massive horn on its forehead, and a dark-skinned human standing beside.

The human spoke in a low, melodic voice.

“Your damaged form, I do espy,
But with his help you shall not die.”

Luna’s last unaided breath left her in a rush. “Zecora you chucklefuck, we could have used you earlier!”

“Your thanks, it warms my tender heart.
Now shut your mouth and let him start.”

Author's Note

Everyone remembers Zecora and the unicorn, right?

We Hunt Vampires and Look Good Doing it

Sunset’s grin was enormous as they sped from the house. Celestia’s was… polite.

“Now Sunset,” she began one last time as they eased onto the school’s road.

Sunset cut her off. “You’re the one who’s always telling me to have fun while we hunt. And when you unlocked the gun room, you specifically said, ‘grab anything.’”

She held up the tube from her lap. “A rocket launcher is ‘anything.’”

Celestia gave a brief, rueful smile before her face grew serious once more. “I will not make myself a hypocrite, but I am placing a lot of trust in you. You must neither damage the school nor any students, and that doesn’t leave much use for the thing.”

“I know.” Sunset’s grin only inflated as she held up what looked like a revolver shotgun. “That’s what the beanbag gun is for!”

Celestia groaned, though was unable to quite hide her smile. “Try not to have too much fun. Remember, the Crystal Prep students are innocent.”

“Totally innocent,” Sunset not-agreed with a grumble. “Except for that one time they bullied an emotionally-vulnerable girl into summoning magic beyond her control. But hey, it was the Friendship Games, and the stakes were high. What’s a little dimensional cataclysm when a plastic trophy is on the line?”

Celestia made to respond, but snapped her mouth shut as they neared the school. Hundreds of students had mobbed the parking lot. Most were presently crowding the gym, but Canterlot’s reinforcements had not gone unnoticed. Stragglers moved to intercept the car, and as Celestia pulled into the lot, one hurled herself onto the front. Celestia jammed the brakes just in time to not crush the Crystal Prep girl.

Sunset was leaping out with a roar before the car fully stopped. “Sour Sweet, what the hell!?”

“I’m a good student and would die for Principal Cinch!” The freckled girl cheered with a loud grin as other students surged closer. She finished, snarling, “Shoot me now.”

“B’okay.” Sunset lowered the beanbag gun and fired. The shot connected with the girl’s shoulder, sending her flying from the car.

“Find Cinch! I’ll fend them off!” Sunset crouched, bracing the gun and sending another three shots into the crowd. One for Jet Set, one for Lemon Zest, and one for that green girl on the Shadow Bolts who never really said or did anything.

Sunset snap-drew a second weapon with her left hand, just like Luna taught her. Her pistol had been swapped out for a stun gun, now pointing at Blueblood. The white preppie dove behind Fleur De Lis, holding her steady as Sunset pulled the trigger. The thin wire shot out, struck Fleur, and electrocuted both of them at once.

“I should be enjoying this less,” Sunset admitted. Her hand swung down, dropping the pistol, and on its way up snatched a tear gas grenade from her belt and underhanded it into the crowd.

A glance to the car showed the driver-side door open, and Celestia in a low sprint towards the school. A brief thrill of pride came to Sunset’s smile. It may have been one sentence, but it was still Sunset’s plan of action. That the older woman followed it immediately was a bigger vote of confidence than any words could give.

Sunset’s own role was the distraction. “Ha! Suck lemons, Crystal Prep!”

A droll, female voice answered. “Nice G-rated smack talk.”

Sunset let a shot beanbag form her rebuttal, blowing over Sugarcoat with a direct hit to the sternum. She kited the barrel to the next closest, finding–

“Soarin!?” Sunset squeaked. She jerked the barrel away, realizing too late it was probably her last mistake.

Fortunately, she was wrong. The pale jock ran past her, collapsing against Celestia’s car with a panted shout. “Sunset, run!”

“Stay behind me,” Sunset said coolly. She swiveled the gun to the next, though another surprise greeted her. “Aria?”

“Yeah,” the purple siren grumbled. “My fearless leader ran us right into a pack of them.”

Sunset shrugged and temporarily put her out of her misery with a beanbag to the head. She tossed a second gas grenade to the crowd, tilting a glance sideways. “Hey, Soarin.”

“Uh… yeah?”

A fresh cylinder entered the beanbag gun with a satisfying clack, and Sunset smiled. “I am probably never going to feel more self-confident than I do right now, so let me ask. Do you want to go out sometime? Like, to a movie or something?”

A weak, breathless chuckle came as Soarin righted himself. “Sunset, I can’t really answer that right now.”

Sunset sniffed, and fired again. “If the answer’s ‘no,’ just say it.”

“That’s not it,” Soarin said. “I get that this is like a slow Thursday for you, but I am kind of having an emotional event. You know the old saying that men think about sex every nine seconds? That is class-A bullshit. I have been very consistently thinking about not getting eaten by zombies for the last thirty minutes, and I don’t have room for much else. Watch your left.”

“Thanks.” Another quick-draw stun gun handled the infected student creeping on Sunset’s left. “So, too be continued?”

“Y-yeah, sure.” Soarin chuckled and scratched the back of his head. “What movie do you want to see?”

Sunset’s smirk slid back into place as she fired again. “I liked the trailers for Texas Zombie Chainsaw Massacre 7.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

Sunset shook her head. “Nope.”

A few seconds of light from the unicorn’s horn, and Luna was whole. Healed. Nothing even hurt, save her pride. Zecora nearly topped Luna’s ‘people I don’t want to save me,’ list, beaten only by the pony princess Luna. That would have just been embarrassing. Not that Zecora was much better – the cryptic know-it-all had pissed off all the hunters in their decade of operation, and Luna more than most.

“I owe you one,” Luna grumbled, rising unsteadily to her feet. “I’m talking to the unicorn, by the way. Not you.”

Their antagonism was mutual. Zecora raised her nose. “Your sister is a friend, so true. For her, we act…”

A brown finger poked Luna on the chest. “Not you.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “She who lives in huts of grass,
Bend down low and kiss my–”

The unicorn neighed, throwing back its head. The created noise sounded suspiciously like laughter – an uncharacteristically high-pitched “Nay-hee-hee!”

Zecora shot it a frown, accompanied by an arched eyebrow. She shook her head and turned back to Luna.

“Your sister comes, her school to save,
Charging to an early grave.
‘Gainst vampire and corrupted friends,
Without your help, she’ll meet her end.

It’s time to fight, and not to hide.
And so, as my friend bids you – ride!”

“O…kay?” Luna slowly mounted the giant steed, crawling up onto its back. “Can the horn fix my gun? I’m not much good without it.”

Zecora laughed. “He cannot make your weapon new,
But why bring guns when a scythe will do?”

The brown-skinned woman flipped up the staff she was leaning on to show that yes, it was definitely a scythe. One fit for a grim reaper, with the blade curved so far inwards that a straight swing would pierce nothing.

While the mystified Luna accepted it, Zecora went on.

“A long story – I’ll keep it fast.
I once met Death, and shared repast.
He gave me this, so long ago,
To help collect what he is owed.”

“God damn, Zecora,” Luna grumbled. Holding the awkward, unbalanced scythe nearly made her lose balance on the unicorn. She glared at the weapon, more in disgust than awe. “How do I even cut with this? I can’t stab, and I can’t even really swing it without falling over. It’s like I need to dangle it behind me and hope the blade connects.”

Zecora gave her a nonplussed glare.

“We save your life. We heal your pain.
We gird your hands. You still complain.”

“It’s a practical consideration!” Luna shouted, then looked away with a frown. “But... sorry. It’s not like I have a better option, so... thanks. For real, this time. I’d be screwed without you, and maybe the rest of us too.”

A hand touched her leg – so tall was the unicorn that Zecora did not have to lower her arm to do so. The shaman offered a twisty, snarky smile with one eyebrow raised.

“Your gratitude, sincerely given,
Finds my soul and leaves me driven.
Though I’ve few friends in humankind,
One more, I do not think I’ll mind.”

Luna smiled back. “Don’t make this weird.”

Zecora laughed again, moving the hand to the unicorn’s flank.

“The moment’s done. Now flip the switch.
To save the school, be a stone-cold bitch.”

Luna made to respond, but Zecora slapped the flank. The unicorn broke immediately into a gallop, leaving Luna screaming as it leaped from the roof.

“A loud, obvious distraction? Come on, Celestia, we did that against Alphonse.”

Celestia’s instincts moved before her mind, turning the crouched hustle into a forward dive. The speaker pounced from the top of a car, entering the space she was in one second ago.

The path in front of her was closed too, by two figures walking forward. One of them stretched the fingers of her one good hand before curling them into a fist. “Frankly, Miss Celestia, I expected better.”

Cheerilee and Harshwhinny, both disarmed and approaching with clear hostile intent. The latter was injured, with her right arm hanging limp and her knuckles bloody.

“What happened to you?” Celestia asked.

“Thrown off a roof,” Harshwhinny grumbled. “A mob of infected students broke my fall, for better or worse.”

Celestia glanced behind her – Redheart was rising from her pounce, and Whooves moved up alongside.

“All of you, hm?”

“Yep.” Redheart furrowed her brow, frowning. “It sucks. I… know I’m supposed to be on your side, but I also know I have to kill you. I’m not allowed to do anything else.”

Whooves nodded. “It’s the brain worms. They set, ah, ‘rules’ that you have to follow. I mean… ‘we’ have to follow.”

“Sorry.” Redheart shrugged, and removed a ceramic jar from her lab coat.

Celestia’s eyes went wide. “I told you to get rid of that!”

The infected nurse tossed the phosphorus bomb up once, and shrugged again. “No, you told me ‘not to use it.’ So this is partially your fault.”

She tossed it up again, then threw it at Celestia with all her might.

Celestia’s hand snapped forward and plucked the jar from the air.

Redheart blinked. Celestia smirked, and held the bomb at her side. “Good thinking. This will come in handy.”

Redheart returned the smile, and accompanied it with a drawn knife and charge. Celestia tumbled to meet the attack, dropping to her hands and twisting her whole body into a long, horizontal kick. The length of her legs gave them a whip-like quality that impacted perfectly into the side of Redheart’s head.

Celestia was already turning as the nurse slammed into a car. The two on her flank ran forwards, Cheerilee a half-step before Harshwhinny. But the younger teacher wheeled abruptly and plowed her first into the older woman’s stomach, doubling her over.

Unsure but unquestioning, Celestia finished her turn in the same direction she started. Whooves charged as well, leading with barred teeth.

Celestia pointed to his feet. “Your shoelaces are untied.”

Whooves didn’t pause, though he did give a snort. “Brain worms do not make me stupiAH!”

A cry marked the descent as he tripped over his untied shoelaces, catching his head on a car mirror on the way down.

“Never change, you guys.” Celestia gave the fallen pair a small, apologetic smile before turning back around. Cheerilee had easily overpowered the injured Harshwhinny, and now looked to Celestia with… embarrassment? That’s certainly how it seemed – the young math teacher chuckled bashfully, blushing and scratching the back of her head.

Celestia kept her distance. “How did you fool them?”

Cheerilee gave a nervous laugh, and stuttered as she produced the first word. “P-people infected with brain worms give off a kind of scent to recognize each other, and, um, changelings can mimic it. The real Cheerilee is infected, and, um, tied up in a closet right now. I’m…”

She finished with a gesture. A flash of green surrounded her head, briefly it turning to that of an equine bug.

Celestia blinked, confused for one second before the coin dropped. “You’re the changeling. Who mimicked Sunset, and left the note.”

“Yeah.” The changeling gave another weak chuckle. “I’m not really a fighter, so without Chrysalis controlling me I can’t do much. I’m just glad I got a chance to repay you. She was really mean, and I’m much happier being your student.”

“That’s great. Thank you so much.” Celestia offered a kindly smile. “You need to get to safety now. You might be able to fool brain worms, but not vampires.”

“Sure thing.” Not-Cheerilee nodded, dropping to a crouch. “I’ll just slip out through all the cars, um…”

She set her hand on the first car, making to leave. Her head turned back to Celestia, but the eyes above didn’t look right at her. They had turned yellow, and now split to gaze in different directions.

The changeling poked her tongue out. “Thanks again!” she called in a younger, familiar voice, and disappeared into the maze of cars.

Celestia breathed out, confusion replaced with satisfaction. She smiled.

And leaped away as the car next to her exploded. It broke near-exactly in half, severed through the middle by a caped form hurtling from above.

“What a worthless gesture,” Cinch growled. She lifted one of the halves and hurled it at Celestia, high enough that a simple duck avoided it.

Cinch stomped from the wreckage, every move the work of a woman whose patience was at an end. “For the record, I am not at all curious how you survived the ghasts. It is a grievance that will be rectified shortly.”

Celestia braced her pistol and fired, sending three rounds squarely to Cinch’s chest. Two of them struck the heart, causing the vampiric principal to flinch back.

“Inadequate,” Cinch hissed. Pain seemed the only effect, and she resumed her stride forwards. “To stop me you would need a–”

An explosion burst at her left side, consuming most of it and sending the rest flying ragdoll-like through the air.

The body fell to the pavement. Celestia looked in the other direction to see Sunset Shimmer braced atop her car with a large, smoking tube in hand.

Even a dozen meters away, Celestia could see the teeth in her grin as she called, “Good thing I brought the rocket launcher, huh? Made things pretty easy.”

Celestia smiled back, but it was a weak one. Carefully, she slid the phosphorus bomb from her pocket and readied it in the left hand. “Sunset?”

“Yeah, Mom?”

Celestia closed her eyes and took a steadying breath. “It’s never easy.”

A sound came from where Cinch fell: a scream, but to call it thus would imply a humanity it lacked. Only vaguely did it resemble Cinch’s voice, seemingly mingled with a dozen others. Some guttural, some shrill, and all thoroughly pissed off as they cried together, “Enough of this foolishness!”

She exploded upwards, taking to the sky with black and purple lightning circling around her. Same-color smoke oozed from her wounded left, and the eyes above glowed a pure, hateful red.

“Enough of you all!” Cinch extended her remaining arm and stretched its fingers, chanting bizarre syllables in her many voices. “Ich nau Freserai! Ich nau Maerlanai! Ich gai La’ctjaka, Ich Nai, Nai, Nai! Ich nau...”

A dimming of daylight accompanied the words, but that was their smallest effect. Celestia’s heart tremored as she tried to aim. The tremors grew harder, stronger, and faster until each one was a bolt of pain through her chest. Cries emerged, both from the infected crowd and beyond the gym doors. Celestia saw students collapsing until she too met the same fate. Cinch’s chant went on, chasing her wounded mind into unconsciousness.

Before the end came, though, a new voice rose in answer. Young, unsteady, and hesitant, its chant nonetheless had power of its own.

“Ich Claui! Ich Claui! Ich… oh shit, um… right, Ich Claui, nau ut simcantiles! Sincantiles nau ut simcantiles!...”

Sunset’s voice. Celestia’s dimmed vision beheld the girl still standing on their car, now with the launcher discarded and both hands raised up and outwards. No magic flashed around the young teen, but that itself seemed oddly noticeable. The dusk Cinch created was returning to daylight in an expanding bubble around Sunset. And with each syllable she spoke, the pain in Celestia grew less and less. She groaned and pushed herself to her feet.

The words seemed to affect Cinch as well. It took a few moments for Celestia to realize Cinch’s extra voices were falling silent, one by one. Soon, the principal’s own voice stopped, and Sunset ended her chant a second later.

“You have magic?” Celestia managed.

“Technically, no.” Sunset raised a finger as she explained. “Cinch was using a kind of black magic that relied on words for power, but an opposing chant sort of breaks it up with its own words.”

She grinned. “By the way, isn’t it cool how my magical knowledge finally came in handy?”

“Sunset, duck.”

Unsurprised by the move, Sunset broke smoothly into a dodge as Cinch swooped down towards her. The yellow teen dove from the car, hitting the asphalt with a roll.

Celestia ran towards them. Too late – Cinch loomed above Sunset, imperfectly regenerated from the rocket wound. Her left arm and leg were gangly and thin, though purple lightning wove ominously around the fingers.

“You’re clever.” A rare smile broke the vampire’s features as she considered the fallen girl. “I like clever. Accept my bite, and live.”

Blood leaked down Sunset’s lip where her face met the ground. She spat some out, then laughed. “You’re kidding.”

“Oh, no.” Cinch stepped closer, and cast a cruel smirk at Celestia. “Normally I wouldn’t bother, but to bring the cheater’s whelp into my fold would be a fitting revenge.”

Sunset’s hand rose, gripped around her last stun gun. The wire shot out, impacted Cinch, and unleashed its jolt.

Cinch paused, only long enough to give an aggrieved sigh. “Very well.”

“Then…” She swept her arms back, and electricity coursed as she brought them forwards. “…Die!”

Purple lightning arched from her fingertips, but something got in the way. Celestia had thrown herself before Sunset, and screamed and spasmed as the bolts struck.

Smoking, but still breathing, she collapsed sputtering to the ground. Cinch advanced another step, her smirk turning to a full-on leer.

“A tenth of my power.” Lightning flared again from the vampire’s fingertips, and again Celestia thrashed and screamed. “I want you to suffer for what you did to me.”

Sunset made to rise, crying her mother’s name. Cinch spread her hands wider and struck again, this time lashing both of them with the purple lightning.

Another strike, and Cinch laughed out loud. “What clever plan did you use to escape the ghasts, hm? How did you outwit your infected staff, and fend off the students? You’re out of luck, Miss Celestia, and you’re out of cheap tricks. Was it worth it to cheat me so? I think not, but it is too late for apologies, and too late for–”

A noise interrupted: the wild neigh of a massive, feral horse. Cinch paused her attack, and all three looked to the source.

A grey unicorn stood on two cars at once. It reared back and neighed again, and something gleamed above it. Its rider lowered the scythe, pointing the top at Principal Cinch.

“Luna?” Celestia managed.

“No,” came the iron response. Luna’s cold blue eyes never moved from Cinch.

She kicked the horse into a full gallop, charging directly for the vampire. “I am the motherfucking Night.”

Author's Note

"A scythe is a dumb weapon."

"Shut up, Sugarcoat."

Not much of an ending, but I figured we'd just divide the fight into two halves rather than make y'all wait as my writing inevitably stops over the holidays.

Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead had its Christmas special in August...

As ever, thanks for reading. :twilightsmile:

Something, Something, Friendship Lesson

A few seconds passed as the four parties readied themselves. Coughing smoke, the spell-injured Celestia and Sunset hauled each other to their knees. Cinch’s face passed through familiar expressions of rage, fists trembling as her thin patience gave way.

Atop the unicorn, Luna was more than happy to get a moment to recover. The three-story jump from the rooftop was gentler than it had any right to be, but her butt still hurt something fierce.

Finally, Cinch managed a low, strangled, “How?”

Luna sneered and kicked the unicorn to a charge. “Screw you.”

Its massive legs carried the unicorn from one car to the next, faster than even Luna could account for. The charge ended with a clumsy swing that only brought the back of the scythe blade into Cinch. The vampire rolled with the blunt hit, her cape transforming to bat wings as she took once more to the air.

“Stupid scythe,” Luna growled. She gave it an experimental swing rightwards and had to jerk away to keep balance. “Damn it, Zecora, anything else and I would have had her.”

A stirring on the ground brought her gaze downwards. “You okay, Tia?”

“Thanks to you.” Celestia smiled at her, causing Luna to blush and look away. Celestia rose and offered a hand to their third. “Sunset?”

“Fine,” Sunset managed. “What’s the plan?”

“Kill Cinch.” Luna smirked down at her, then turned. “Here she comes.”

The old principal descended with hellish speed, charging to knock Luna from the unicorn. A second scythe-swing forced her to veer off, though proved no more damaging than the first.

Undeterred, Cinch continued the charge into the wounded humans. A feral glee marked her face as she brushed past Sunset and came to her rival. A hand rose to smash open Celestia’s chest, but the raised pistol struck first. Two silver bullets pierced the clawed hand, doing little damage but causing Cinch to jerk back with a cry of pain.

A heartbeat passed, and the cry morphed to a roar. An unseen force with the sound of thunder shot out from Cinch, bowling the humans over and backwards. Sunset caught the corner of Cranky’s jeep and fell with a groan. Celestia fared better, though not by much – she curled around the precious phosphorus bomb and rolled into a tire, saving it from all but an ominous crack. The unicorn held its ground, but the already unbalanced Luna toppled from her perch.

“Enough of you children.” A façade of calmness came to Cinch as she stretched her fingers. The lightning this time was of sheer darkness as it shot to Celestia. Less pain than before, but more damage. Her skin and clothes ripped, and a nervous wobble came to her heart.

Cinch made to fire again, but a voice from behind interrupted her. “Forget something?”

“No,” Cinch sneered, turning to bat aside Luna’s third attempt. “You’re a child with a toy, that’s all.”

Her open palm struck Luna’s chest, sending the young woman staggering backwards. Cinch raised her fingers with a triumphant leer and unleashed her black lighting. A dozen bolts veered for Luna… then turned at the last moment to hit the scythe instead. Once-invisible runes flickered along its blade, leaving Luna untouched.

The last bolt turned to smoke as it struck the scythe. It shaped itself to a skeletal black arm, that pointed to Cinch as Luna reclaimed her footing.

Luna grinned fiercely. “Time to pay the reaper.”

Cinch sniffed. “I owe him nothing.”

They clashed again, with predictable results. Vampiric speed against a clumsy weapon resulted in Luna knocked backwards again. She clambered to her feet once more, slower than before. She was getting tired.

Celestia rose too, though the shocks had her heart fluttering and in pain. The phosphorus bomb was in her hand. Cinch’s back was turned.

Her eyes met Luna’s, very briefly. The blue sister gave no sign of acknowledgement as she helped herself up with the butt of the scythe.

Nothing else for it. Celestia whipped the bomb at Cinch.

Cinch spun. Caught it in her outstretched hand, and leered at Celestia. “Oh, my. Was this your last trump?”

She was speaking, not listening. Luna led with the back end of the scythe, giving balance and heft as she swung it like a baseball bat for the precious jar. The scythe connected, and an instant later the bomb was no more. The liquid inside erupted, nearly too bright to see as it followed the momentum into the vampire principal. Noise like a hammer on sand marked the flash explosion of her side.

“NO!” Cinch staggered, and black smoke curled around the wounds.

Luna gave her no time. She reversed the scythe, now leading with the point. The immobile Cinch offered no defense as it pierced what was left of her chest. The tip met the heart, and Cinch gave one violent spasm before exploding into dust.

Dust that immediately shot to the back of Luna’s mouth. She dropped the scythe and doubled over, hacking violently and spitting out the remains of their enemy.

Across the parking lot, groans and stumbles marked the end of the mob. The infected students collapsed together, some coughing or babbling randomly before reaching the ground.

The gym door slammed open, accompanied by a voice from inside. “Fluttershy, wait! It’s too dangerous!”

“They might be hurt!” The yellow girl dashed from the building, followed some steps later by her bat-armed friends. She picked quickly through the fallen mob, scanning for anyone who seemed more hurt than the rest.

One such student was quieter than her groaning peers. Sour Sweet stared to where Cinch died as Fluttershy lifted her gently by the shoulders, pressing a cold pack to the beanbag welt on her face. “Sour Sweet, are you okay?”

The words seemed to bring the girl to the present, and she beamed a freckled smile at Fluttershy. “Me? I’m just peachy!”

Her smile maintained, and she offered nothing more. The Rainbooms let a few seconds pass before Applejack asked the obvious. “And?”

“And what?” Sour Sweet tilted her head, but her bright smile remained.

Rarity gave a tittering laugh. “Usually you, ah, follow your pleasant offerings with a bit of sarcastic wit.”

“Oh.” Sour Sweet blinked and shook her head, turning her gaze back to the battleground. “Not this time. I’m peachy. One-hundred percent.”

“Really,” Rainbow asked dubiously.

“Are you kidding!” Sour Sweet rocketed upwards, bumping her head against Fluttershy and almost getting five bat-swings for her trouble. But instead of biting, she just grinned even wider and pointed. “Did you see that? Did you see that!? Your vice principal just rode to battle on an honest-to-goodness unicorn!”

“I saw them leap from the rooftop!” Sugarcoat squealed as she reclaimed her feet. “Miss Luna was screaming her battle cry!”

A last cough let Luna regain her voice, though not much volume. “Actually that was a regular, old-fashioned scr–”

“And the scythe!” Pinkie cheered, now bouncing on her heels with an equally-giddy Adagio. “We were watching from the gym! How cool was that?”

“Best principal EVAH!” Sonata shrieked.

Flash Sentry gave a chuckle from the doorway. “Heh. ‘I am the Night.’”

“Trixie wants to be her.”

A clenched, beefy fist raised from a prone teacher. “When Luna rides, THE VAMPIRE DIES!”

“I love her hair,” Blueblood whispered.

“Are you all forgetting the best part?” Redheart’s shrill voice blew out as she clambered onto a car. “Luna hit the vampire, and it exploded!”

Luna pointed dumbly to her sister, voice drowned by the cheering mob. “It didn’t… I mean, if Tia hadn’t…”

“Lulu.”

The voice caused Luna’s eyes to follow her finger. Celestia sat propped against the jeep, left hand clutching a lightning burn on her shoulder. Her face was a kindly smile, though an eyebrow betrayed it – raised upwards, high enough to unveil the good humor within.

“You deserve it,” Celestia said quietly. Luna made to protest, but the mob engulfed her. They carried her towards the gym, tossing her up and shouting her name.

Celestia hissed as an errant twitch shot pain through her chest. She closed her eyes with the wince, but a new sound opened them just as quickly. Somehow both heavy and gentle, the grey unicorn’s hoofsteps drew it towards her. A soft white glow surrounded its horn, chasing away the pain and injury as it touched her shoulder.

It was not a creature of lengthy affection. The unicorn gave a brief nuzzle of Celestia’s cheek, then moved to heal the fallen Sunset. Once that was done, it turned away and began trotting through the parking lot. The steps brought it to a dark skinned woman, leaning against Celestia’s car. Zecora gave a wave, and a smile that seemed both mocking and friendly. She hoisted the scythe, swept onto the unicorn, and kicked the beast into a gallop away.

Celestia did not rise immediately. She closed her eyes, exhausted by the crisis and thankful for its end.

She felt, rather than saw, Sunset scooch closer. Her pink arm wrapped around the teen’s shoulder, and Sunset leaned into the hug.

“You okay?” Celestia murmured.

“That was close,” Sunset whispered. “She really wanted us dead, and… I thought it was gonna happen. If Luna hadn’t have shown up…”

“Shush, you.” Celestia squeezed her a little tighter. “We’re alright.”

That at least chased a little fear out of Sunset’s voice, though it was replaced by authority. “Mom?”

“Yes?”

“I want ice cream.”

Celestia’s eyes blinked open. She looked to Sunset, seeing no trace of a joke on her face.

Celestia smiled weakly. “Sweetie, it’s January.”

“Yeah, but I want ice cream.”

Celestia gave a soft laugh, and her daughter cracked a grin. They rose together, still arm-in-arm. “Alright. We’ll get ice cream.”

“Thanks.” Sunset gave a distracted glance to the sounds of celebration from the gym. “But is this okay? What about the brain worms? And Dean Cadence?”

Celestia smiled contentedly and slid out her phone. “Cadence will fare same as the students. Brain worms can’t survive in our world without a source of black magic. When they died, everyone lost consciousness for a few seconds as their minds filled in the void.”

Sunset made a face. “So, what? They’re all stuck with dead brain worms in their system?”

Celestia paused her stride to tap the phone. “Just telling Luna… ah, yes and no, Sunset. The worms are still there, but the human body purges them very quickly.”

She winced, sucking in a slow breath. “Very quickly.”

“Huh?” Sunset blinked, looking quizzically at her.

“I learned this last time.” Celestia closed her eyes. “Diarrhea.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.” Celestia’s smile was a wincing one. “Copious amounts, over the next twenty-four hours.”

“Wow.” Sunset walked on another step, then gave a dry chuckle. “Crystal Prep’s going to be terrible tomorrow.”

She startled. “Wait, here’s going to be terrible! They got all but like forty of us!”

“I know.” Celestia’s words came out pained. She shook her head hard and resumed the march forwards. “But that’s tomorrow’s problem. Today I am getting ice cream with my beautiful daughter, and then we will get seconds.”

Luna stood paralyzed at the gym entrance. Inside, the ceiling had been painted her skin tone and decorated with a motif of the night sky. A giant poster covered each of the short walls: one her school photo, and the other of her charging into battle atop the unicorn. Students wore wigs of her hair that doubled as rally rags as they gathered around the dance floor and snack tables.

“Pinkie Pie,” Luna growled.

Deep blue curtains backed the center stage, with a spotlight-lit podium sitting there. Any doubts as to its purpose were settled by the large banner strung behind saying, “Our hero, Luna! The best principal ever!”

Luna entered, and was the immediate center of attention. Students of both schools cheered and crowded around each other to flash pictures and shout her name. Luna ignored them, reluctantly guided by velvet fences to the stage.

A quick check of her phone revealed a text from Celestia. “Sunset’s a little shaken. I’m taking her out for ice cream.”

“Best principal,” Luna whispered with a little smile.

Drawing near, she saw a tan-skinned woman crouched beneath the podium, arranging the wires with her one good hand. A last plug left her satisfied, and she stood away from it and traded a cool glance with Luna.

Luna gave an unenthused wave. “Hi, Nagatha. You think I’m awesome, too?”

“Of course not.” The older woman raised her nose. “This cancels nothing of what I told you on the roof. But by all means: enjoy the cheap fame from your accidental victory.”

Harshwhinny held out the microphone. Luna watched it for a few seconds before accepting, blowing out a sigh. “I’m not.”

An arched eyebrow prompted her to continue. Luna gave a limp chuckle and gazed away. “Help me out here. I’m the big damn hero who saved the day, and everybody knows it. So why am I… like, really actively ambivalent to all this? Like I’m annoyed and impatient and just want it to be over?”

Harshwhinny scoffed. “Impatient for what?”

A second’s thought, and the answer proved obvious. “Tia and Sunset got the shit kicked out of them back there. They’re going out for ice cream, and I want to go too.”

“And miss your own party?” Harshwhinny asked drolly.

She flinched back, just a little, as Luna locked the gaze. “In a heartbeat.”

Harshwhinny scratched the sling of her broken arm, dodging a stare for the first time Luna could remember. She looked down, then over to the crowd roaring for a speech.

Then she arched her nose once more. “That was unprofessional of her. The fewer hands we have, the harder the cleanup will be.”

“Yeah,” Luna said. Then, with a wheedling smile, “Want me to go bring her back?”

Harshwhinny returned with a flat glare. “Can you be trusted to do so?”

“Not in the slightest.”

Smile growing, Luna proffered the microphone. Harshwhinny made no move to accept, and ten seconds of impasse creaked between them as the surrounding party went on.

With a fluid motion and aggrieved sigh, Harshwhinny snatched the microphone. “You owe me.”

“Never change,” Luna said, already turning away.

“I can’t say the same for you,” Harshwhinny muttered as she faced the podium. “Now excuse me.”

Luna dashed, giving none of it a second look as Nagatha’s stern voice boomed out over the speakers. “Children, we have much to do, so this is how things will be. Work crews will be organized by homeroom. Homeroom A-1 will assist Miss Redheart in triaging injuries. Homeroom A-2 will begin tallying personal belongings left in the halls. Homeroom A-3 will return the gym gear to its proper storage. Homeroom A-4 will dismantle the party equipment and remove these silly posters from MISS DAZZLE, YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT OR IT’S DETENTION FOREVER!”

“Guys!” Luna sped through the parking lot, calling at the top of her lungs. “Wait up!”

Celestia had left the driveway, but her car was on the street by the school. It pulled over, and a lowered window revealed Sunset’s questioning look.

Luna threw open the back door and clambered in. “I’m coming with.”

“Luna?” Celestia asked.

“Keep driving, sis.” Luna pulled the door shut and sat up in her chair. She leaned forwards, wrapping her arms around Sunset in the passenger seat. “You did good, kid.”

Sunset blushed and grinned. “Not as good as you.”

“Yeah, but that’s just because Deus Ex Zecora showed up at the last minute.” Luna rubbed Sunset’s head roughly, causing the girl to laugh and pull away. “Anyway, where are we going?”

“Donut Joe’s,” Celestia said from the driver’s side. “It’s the only place I know that does ice cream all year.”

Luna nodded. “Plus, he totally owes us for that one time with the ants.”

Sunset grimaced. “We’re going to a place with ants?”

Celestia gave a brief smile, eyes on the road. “200-pound ants, burrowing up from the earth. Don’t worry, we haven’t seen any in months.”

“Days,” Luna corrected. “Iron Will bumped into one in the next building over.”

The car slowed, just a little bit. Celestia’s mouth moved in an “Oh,” shape without making the word. She got a hold of herself, smiling kindly to Sunset. “Um, if you’re scared, we can go somewhere else.”

Sunset laughed and put her feet on the dashboard. “What’s there to be scared of? I got a rocket launcher.”

Celestia pushed the gas, bringing the car back to its former speed. She took one hand from the wheel and set it on her daughter’s shoulder. “That’s my girl.”

Then, a moment later, she reached forward and slapped a yellow knee. “Legs down, Sunset.”

Author's Note

"Dear Princess Luna,

Today I learned the love of my family means much more to me than any amount of fame or adulation. I also learned shit-talking vampire bitches get put in the ground when they come to CHS.

Your unwilling doppelganger,

Principal Luna"

Y'all are getting two more chapters out of me: an epilogue, and a bonus chapter involving a certain changeling queen.

Peace, yo.

Bonus Chapter: Kiss De Gurl

Princess Celestia came awake slowly. She moaned and smacked her lips, eyes fluttering as she passed through the last layers of sleep. She shuffled, trying to free her limbs from the tight tangle of sheets. The move left her legs still bound, so she tried again.

With still no effect, Celestia cracked a curious eye open to see what odd position her nighttime restlessness had created.

No sheets. Green, plastic-like strips of goo bound her forelegs together.

The other eye snapped open, awareness and sudden panic hijacking Celestia from her grogginess. She was not in her room after all, but a glittering cave – somewhere in the crystal mines beneath Canterlot. A glance back showed her hind legs bound like their neighbors, and her body perched on a few sofa pillows she recognized from Twilight’s castle.

One of the pillows pressed uncomfortably into her belly. Celestia lit her horn instinctively, sighing with small relief as her magic slid away the offending object.

The sigh cut short in her throat, replaced by a confused blink. She was unfortunately familiar with changeling restraints, and the deadening properties they had on magic. Looking cross-eyed and up, she beheld her horn – white and unbound.

Curiosity began to win over fear as Celestia took a slower look around. She saw Chrysalis, the obvious culprit, dozing against a wall without a pillow for her own comfort. The changeling was in a seated position, and mumbled without meaning as her head swayed with the snores.

Aside from her… nothing. Celestia gazed around again, searching in vain for clues to help the situation make sense. Where were the changeling guards? The cocoon with her name on it? The hidden base, and the inevitable monologue? Why didn’t Chrysalis bind her magic?

It had to be a trick. Tempt Celestia with the obvious route to freedom, with some feedback or draining device ready to make her regret using her horn.

Or was it?

Celestia was old and learned enough to find confusion a terribly annoying state of being. One expected the world to have exhausted its surprises after twelve centuries of life, and to be as clueless as she was now left Celestia more nervous than any dungeon or trap could cause.

She did not like questions, but that had long formed Celestia into a mare unafraid to seek answers. Eyes on the sleeping Chrysalis, Celestia loudly cleared her throat.

“I’m awake!” Chrysalis jerked all her limbs at once, falling back and banging her head on a jutting crystal before rallying to a stand. “Awake, yes. Um…” Chrysalis met Celestia’s nonplussed stare, and grinned weakly. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Celestia replied tersely.

Chrysalis chuckled and broke the gaze. “Can I get you something? Some water, or…”

“Do not toy with me, Chrysalis.” A hard, regal edge entered Celestia’s voice, and Chrysalis… flinched? Unconsciously softer, Celestia finished. “How did you free your horn from the nullification ring? You can’t remove it yourself, and Twilight Sparkle would never be so foolish.”

“Not Twilight,” Chrysalis clarified. She tapped her hooves together, looking from side to side. “Oh geez, this is awkward. Look…”

One evening at Sugarcube corner, Chrysalis put on her best air of nonchalance. “Hey, Pinkie? We’re friends, right?”

Chrysalis had been nothing but hostile to her, but a little thing like that never stopped Pinkie. “Yepper-depper, Prissy Chrissy!”

“Great. Can you help me with something? Like, as a friend helping a friend?”

“Okey-dokey-lokie!”

“…Then I asked her to take the ring off my horn, and she did it.”

“I see.” A wince came through Celestia’s endless calm.

Chrysalis gave a comforting wave of her hoof. “If it helps, it’s embarrassing for me, too. I’ve been losing to that.”

“And then you came over to kidnap me?”

“Yeah.” Chrysalis nodded, then paused. “Well, after I tied up Trixie and left her in a closet.”

Celestia frowned. “That was uncalled for.”

“Spoken as somepony who has never met her,” Chrysalis noted. “Anyway, yeah, then I kidnapped you.”

Celestia glared levelly at her, and again came that guilty flinch. “I’m disappointed, Chrysalis. I had hoped you would have learned something in your time with Twilight.”

“Oh, but I did!” Chrysalis leaned forward, gesturing excitedly with her hooves. “Not so much friendship, but I learned a lot about ponies that I never knew. I mean, present company excluded they’re insufferable idiots, but it’s like instead of being smart they’re all so nice! Even those that are lovers, they actually seem to really like each other. It makes me wonder if trying to conquer Equestria wasn’t the best way to win your heart.”

“You don’t–” Celestia caught herself. “Wait, what?”

Chrysalis pointed at her. “You started it. You seduced me.”

“No I did not,” Celestia huffed.

Chrysalis twirled her hoof in the air. “You did it just by being you, all kind and motherly and hommina hommina that neck. Anyway, changeling romance is antagonistic in nature. You court someone by destroying everything else they have so they have no choice but to turn to you for support. Like ruining their job, or blowing up their house. Or in my case, conquering Equestria.”

Celestia studied Chrysalis’ face, earning a blush in return. “This simultaneously explains everything and nothing. I find your culture to be very strange.”

“‘Was’ very strange,” Chrysalis corrected. “Now I get postcards from Changelings all over Equestria, posing with their friends and describing all the sweet love they have now that I’m deposed.”

“Oh.” Now it was Celestia’s turn to flinch. Her face turned to a soft frown, and her lit horn created a warm magic pat on Chrysalis’ side. “I’m sorry.”

Chrysalis shrugged, brushing her hoof to the yellow magic. “In hindsight, I really should have studied pony romance before getting into this. Even then, I don’t think it would have worked out. Evil queens gotta conquer, you know?”

Celestia’s words took a gentle tone. “You are not a queen anymore. Perhaps now you can change?”

“No.” While Celestia had softened her words, Chrysalis’ came out harder as she pointed a hoof at Celestia. “And I’ll tell you why. You ponies are dumb. Dee-Yoo-Em, dumb. How you all have foiled my genius time and again to the point of complete dissolution of my kingdom is beyond me. And it’s the same for others: Tirek, Discord, all of them should have had you. I can only presume some higher power willfully manipulates events to save Equestria each time an apex predator comes along.”

“Higher power, hm?” Celestia murmured – very softly, and with just a little smugness.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” Celestia smiled welcomingly. “Please go on.”

Chrysalis obliged. “But your luck’s going to run out one day, and that’s why you need someone like me. Someone smart, sneaky, conniving, and distrustful to do everything she can to look out for your interests.”

“And what would be in it for you?” Celestia asked.

At that, Chrysalis paused. She blushed and tapped her hooves again, making a soft little whinny Celestia could not help but find adorable.

“Love isn’t just food.” The speed of Chrysalis’ hooftaps increased as she spoke. “It’s a precious commodity. Its sources are valuable things to be protected fiercely. So if… if you…”

She trailed off, leaving Celestia to finish. “Give you my love?”

“Yes!” Chrysalis squeaked. “Think about how great it would be! I could protect your kingdom, satisfy your wants and needs, and you could trust me because I’d never do anything to jeopardize your love, because that’s my love!”

“Well, the mutual interest is there,” Celestia admitted.

‘And I have not been laid since the invention of algebra,’ but that part went unsaid. Instead she added, “Are you willing to romance me in a, ah, manner more fitting with my own culture?”

“So long as I don’t have to buy you anything,” Chrysalis said. “Not that I don’t want to, but I have literally nothing to my name.”

Celestia nodded. “Fair. But I wonder how we might present you? We have to do something to show you’re not dangerous to the ponies or me.”

Chrysalis grinned at that. “Like, say, a gesture of submission?”

“You’ve thought about this,” Celestia noted.

“Guilty as charged.” A green glow around Chrysalis’ horn severed Celestia’s bonds. “Sorry about the kidnapping. I panicked. Fell back on what I knew. Anyway, I’ve got just the thing to show off our new relationship.”

In the Sisters’ throne room, Twilight had paced her circle so long a groove was formed in the carpet. “I can’t believe Chrysalis would betray us! Were my lessons not good enough? Too much homework? Not enough? Did I push the practical friendship too hard? Or did we spend too much time in the classroom? Argh, what kind of a friendship teacher am I? This is Discord all over again.”

Luna stood, a stoic counterweight to the young alicorn’s panic. “Calm thyself, Twilight. I do not believe Chrysalis will hurt my sister, and that gives us time to track them down. And do not blame thyself – she is a master manipulator, and doubtless weaved a great web of influence and lies to compel your innocent friend to remove her anti-magic ring. Deceit is second nature to Chrysalis, as it is for all changelings.”

“Racist.”

The familiar voice startled them both, albeit far less perceptibly for Luna. They turned to the entranceway to find two forms striding in: Chrysalis, smirking cheerfully, and Celestia, with a deep blush she kept raising her left hoof to scratch. Never the right hoof – that was occupied with a leather strap tied around her fetlock, trailing upwards to hook the collar on Chrysalis’ neck.

“Fear not.” The blush leaked into Celestia’s voice as she called. “Chrysalis and I have made an arrangement.”

“Arrangement,” Luna repeated, one eyebrow raised.

Celestia nodded. “Yes. She will give up her evil schemes and feed off my love, working as my spymaster and, ah…”

“Sex slave?” Chrysalis offered.

“Consort,” Celestia said firmly. “‘Slave’ implies a lack of free will.”

“Oh, but I am enslaved.” Chrysalis gave a quick, surprise kiss where Celestia’s jaw met her neck, drawing the tiniest squeal from above. “I’m slave to your voice, your eyes, your neheheck.”

“Stop. Not now.” Celestia gave a last tittering giggle and turned her eyes to the other two. “Um… I hope you are okay with this.”

Twilight looked to Luna.

Luna stared impassively at her sister.

Then, with an unheralded burst of blue energy, a beam of starry magic shot from Luna’s horn. The hit collided with Celestia, sending the unprepared princess flying backwards. The leash stretched taught and Chrysalis sailed after her with a strangled yelp. Celestia impacted a pillar, Chrysalis slammed on top of her, and the pair slid down to the floor and laid still.

“PRINCESS LUNA, WHAT THE HELL?!”

“What?” Luna called, striding over. “It was obvious. A changeling plot to take over the kingdom. My sister is doubtless locked away in some hidden lair.”

Twilight scurried to catch up. “How do you know?”

“Feh.” Luna stopped over the fallen Celestia. “Just watch. She’ll start turning into a changeling any second now.”

They watched. The burnt, crispy Celestia twitched on the ground.

They watched a little longer.

Luna nudged the prone alicorn with a hoof. “Any second now.”

Another few seconds.

Still nothing.

“I’ma get a doctor,” Twilight said. Luna dumbly nodded, and the young princess vanished in a purple flash.

“Tia, I am so sorry!”

Swaddled in bandages, Celestia nonetheless rose from her hospital bed in good cheer. “It’s alright, my sister. Such damage is nothing to us alicorns.”

She gave a light shake, and some of the bandages slid off. “See? I’ll be right as rain tomorrow, and they say Chrysalis will be able to walk in two weeks.”

The sisters shared a hug. Chrysalis – who was not an alicorn – pouted in her wheelchair.

Unable to resist pitying her, Twilight gave an awkward pat on Chrysalis’ shoulder. “So… everything’s good? Between, um, you and Chryssi?”

“Yes,” Celestia announced, nose to the air. “I expect you both to be more welcoming to her in the future. Chrysalis is to be my Royal Consort…”

“WHOO!” Chrysalis pumped a hoof to the air. “In your face, Screwna! In your fat, stupid, f…”

Celestia finished. “…after she completes her friendship lessons with Twilight Sparkle.”

Silence greeted the announcement. Celestia shrugged out of her bandages and strode from the room, mumbling that it was past time to raise the sun.

A loud sniff broke the quiet. Twilight looked to see Chrysalis’ eyes had gone glassy, and her bottom lip quivered.

Twilight groaned. “It won’t be that bad, Chryssi. Don’t be such a drama queen.”

“Oh, it’s not that.” Chrysalis rubbed a hoof against her eyes. “It’s just… that was evil. So very, very evil.”

Her pupils were huge as she looked up and stared to where Celestia departed. “I’ve always lusted for her, but now… now I am in love.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. Luna reached out a hoof, pushed over Chrysalis’ wheelchair, and departed in a huff.

Author's Note

I die as I lived: with referential humor and stupidity.

Epilogue: Call Me Al

The past few months had changed many things in Celestia’s life.

The endless piles of take-home work was not one of them. Her post-dinner routine was the same as ever, spent with a laptop and papers arranged precisely on the dining room table. Such was a principal’s lot, and Celestia had long since learned to approach the extra labor with good cheer.

Test scores and grants, data and disciplinary notes. It was going faster than she was used to – Sunset took care of the dinner dishes, giving Celestia a head start on her work. And Luna had taken some of the load as well...

It occurred to Celestia her evenings might grow very boring soon. Perhaps it was time for a hobby. She’d always wanted to learn music, and strum out a folk song like Garfunkel or Peter Yarrow.

Sunset could teach me.

She smiled, letting her mind wander from the papers. But no, Sunset had her own hobbies and commitments. Especially now, with graduation looming at the start of June. Just a few months away.

“Maybe we could do one or two lessons, to help me get the basics. That would be nice.”

An email popped onto her screen. Celestia read it, sighed, and typed out a response. “Nagatha, we are not handing out three-hundred demerits for disorderly conduct. They were possessed by brain worms!”

The reply came instantly. “If we start making exceptions, the whole system will fall apart.”

“Principal Cadence doesn’t have to deal with this,” Celestia muttered.

“Hm?”

Luna stepped through the dining room door, dressed in a jacket and cap. Celestia gave her a distracted smile. “Nothing major. You’re going out?”

“Yep.” Luna walked past, but paused at the entryway. “You want to come? We’re going to troll for guys at the university, then head back to Cheerilee’s place for some bad anime.”

“You two and Redheart, right?” Celestia beamed. “I’m happy to see you three getting along.”

Sunset’s voice called from the other side of the house. “MOM, WHERE DO WE KEEP THE SWORDS!?”

“HALL CLOSET!” Celestia shouted back.

“OKAY, COOL!”

“Anyway, no thank you,” Celestia said to Luna. “You guys have fun.”

Sunset barreled through the kitchen, one hand holding a scabbard and the other’s thumb tapping on her phone. “I’m heading over to AJ’s. Limestone’s gonna teach us sword fighting.”

“Whoa, hey, before you go...” Luna grinned and slapped the side of Sunset’s arm. “What’s this I hear about us keeping you for the foreseeable future?”

Sunset matched the grin with an embarrassed one. “The classes I need are at Canterlot University. It’s not the shortest bike ride, but hey, why move?”

She laughed. “I mean… yeah. I don’t want to leave you guys so soon.”

“Glad to hear it,” Luna said. “You decide on a major?”

Sunset raised a finger. “Nursing, but that’s just a springboard. I want to go on to be a pediatrician. Like, one of the really intense ones that do surgeries and remove tumors and stuff. I figure life sucks enough when it doesn’t say, ‘Sorry, you don’t get a chance to live it.’ If I can give kids that chance for six figures a year, it seems pretty win-win.”

“You go, girl.” Luna slapped her again on the shoulder and tousled her hair. “Alright. Now get out of here. Tell Limestone to say hi to the Pies for us.”

The yellow teen nodded. She skipped the first step down to the side door, but spun on a heel and came back up. Two long strides carried her to a fast, tight embrace with Celestia and Luna. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Celestia kissed her on top of the head. “Be home by ten. It’s a school night.”

Luna paused at that, waiting until Sunset left the house before giving her smirk its voice. “Ten? You’ve gotten generous.”

“She already has a scholarship.” Celestia gave a dismissive wave, settling back into her work chair. “I’m under no illusion that much learning of consequence happens in the final months of high school.”

“Scholarship, huh?” Luna snatched a few sweets from the candy bowl and started munching. “How much?”

A quiet, dry smile formed on Celestia’s lips. “Enough so we will only be navel-high in debt when she hits med school.”

“Gotcha. We gonna be cool?”

“Oh, yes.” Celestia nodded. “We have many things on our side. Loans, grants, and the knowledge Sunset will make more than both of us put together.”

“In ten years,” Luna noted. “I’ll chip in. No sweat.”

Celestia turned her smile and gaze on Luna. “I appreciate that. But for now, don’t you have somewhere to go?”

“In a sec, yeah.” Luna crossed her arms and leaned on the counter. “Just… I’ve been thinking, you know? Ever since this whole thing with Sunset started, my life has improved. Like, dramatically. I have friends, cooking skills, and some actual self-respect. And Sunset, she’s gotten what she needs, too. Family, love, support. A future. But you, Tia…”

Luna’s gaze was crystal. Strong. “What do you want? And what can I do to make it happen?”

“I already have what I want.”

“Don’t read from a Hallmark card,” Luna huffed. “Let me inside your head. What do you want?”

“I’m a simple person, Luna.” Celestia shrugged, her smile growing. “I like to work. I like to love you, and I like seeing you happy. The same for Sunset. About the only thing else I can think of is…”

She trailed off, looking thoughtful.

Luna took the bait. “What?”

Celestia’s smile flashed teeth. “Fewer vampires in the world.”

“Heh. We’ll work on that.” Luna stepped in for a hug. “Later, sis.”

“See you later.” Celestia returned it with an extra squeeze. “You be home by ten, too.”

Luna departed. Humming with residual cheer, Celestia resumed her homework and got all of five minutes in before the next distraction. Her phone beeped on the table, announcing a text from Sunset.

Celestia tapped her screen and read the message: “Soarin MIGHT be there, too.”

Her smile twitched. Celestia clicked off her phone and went back to work.

Celestia read the clock as she stepped from the shower. Ten-oh-seven, and still no Sunset. There would be words when she got home. Not strong words, presuming she was not long in coming.

A light, airy chuckle came as Celestia brushed her hair. “Or maybe she’s already home. She’s on the porch ‘saying goodbye’ to Soarin and lost track of time.”

Just like Celestia once did. But that had been a long time ago.

Still, her brush strokes grew slow and thoughtful. A long time, yes, but no reason it couldn’t happen again. She knew Whooves had a crush on her, perhaps something could happen there. Or that jokester at the firing range – what was his name? Disco? Dis-something. He certainly seemed interested in seeing her arsenal.

A glint on the brush caught her eye. Celestia studied it with a frown, and picked out the offending object.

A grey hair. She twisted it in her fingers and let out a sigh.

From the outside, a voice called in. “Sis? I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Lu,” Celestia responded. She closed her eyes, listening as Luna stepped down the hall. The footsteps creaked through the old house, reaching the bedroom… and passing it. They opened the upstairs door and began the ascent, making their way to Luna’s bedroom.

Luna’s bedroom. Still a strange idea, but there it was. Yard by yard, night by night, the sisters had taught themselves to sleep apart.

With a giggle, Celestia blew the grey hair out of her hand. She strode from the bathroom, not giving it a second thought.

One more chore before bedding down for the night. She strode to the front door and flicked a switch, turning on their too-bright porchlight. Sunset and Soarin’s voices yelped from the outside, and Celestia strode back to her room. She had to get to bed, too. It was a school night.

Author's Note

This fic was the product of three impulses within me.

1) “I’ve been writing a lot of drama. Maybe write something that’s just, you know, fun for a change.”

2) “I sure do wish I could find a Principal Momlestia-adopts-Sunset fic that wasn’t about a flawless mother and woobie kid having no real conflicts and living happily ever after.”

3) “Has anyone wrote a fic about Principal Celestia being a badass? I don’t think so. Let’s make like Palpatine and Do It.”

Anyway, thanks for joining me on my own extremely stupid take on the Momlestia brand. I hope to have entertained.

Dan

EDIT: Want more? Have a sequel: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/416469/sunset-shimmer-hunts-the-undead

The Littlest Vampire Hunter

“You had a question, Miss Shimmer?”

Celestia gave her best, most reassuring smile to the girl seated before her. As troubled as Sunset’s past had been, she was a precious student of Canterlot High and deserved nothing less than her full attention. It was especially true now – the girl had saved them all at the Friendship Games, and had emerged from her shell wonderfully ever since. No longer a bully or a nervous doormat, Sunset had matured to a confident, kind young woman that any principal would be proud of.

“Uh… yeah. Yeah I do.”

Uncharacteristically for her modern outlook, Sunset seemed hesitant. The yellow redhead glanced around the office, though it was entirely unchanged since her last visit. Luna sat at her own desk, eyes on some papers as she quietly gave Celestia the lead.

“It’s a little weird. But I really have to ask.” Sunset seemed to take strength as she went on. “And I’m not trying to make fun of you or anything, but you guys are really, really strange.”

Celestia gave her traditional melodic laugh and glanced to Luna. The bluehead remained fixed on her papers, giving no sign that she even heard.

“You handle this, Tia,” was the unspoken comment. And the tiny strain in Celestia’s laugh told her sister, “Gee, thanks for the support.”

“I mean, I know I’m not one to talk.” Sunset went on, even though Celestia was too polite to state the obvious. “Being a magical pony, and everything. But that’s the thing – when I came clean about all that, neither of you so much as blinked.”

Celestia blinked at that, more from the verbal cue than anything. Luna did not.

Sunset was picking up steam. She leaned forward in the chair, gesturing with her hands. “A few months later, three sirens mind-control the school, including you guys, in an evil bid to turn the world to their will. We beat them with the power of friendship and rock, and the next day your first announcement is to remind us of the chess club tournament!”

“AND THEN!” Sunset shouted, interrupting as Celestia made to reply. “Then we had the Friendship Games! A giant tendril… plant… whatever ran rampage on the motorbike track. But did anyone call the police? The army? Did you even dismiss the school, or cancel the freaking tournament? No! We went right on going. Then our universe’s Twilight went mad with magic power, and the next thing I hear is that you’ve accepted her transfer!”

“Going mad with magic power is not grounds for barring someone from Canterlot High.” Luna noted in a deadpan voice, giving the first sign she was listening. Blue-green eyes glanced pointedly at Sunset. “We checked after the Fall Formal.”

“Right, and then there’s me.” Sunset planted her fingers on her chest, looking to Celestia with fevered certainty. “Seriously, there’s something wrong with you two.”

“Sunset…” Celestia began.

“No, let me finish! This has been eating me for a while.”

“Obviously,” Luna noted, earning a, “Weren’t you going to leave this to me, Sister Dearest?” glance from Celestia.

Sunset went on, ignoring the jibe. “More than all that, even: look at me! Demon succubus queen? Check. Mind controlled the student body? Check. Would have destroyed the world? Check. And what did you do when I was defeated? Not call the police or government, or even demand I go back to my freaky pony world. Do you remember what you did?”

“We made you help clean up,” Celestia said, smiling at the memory. Truly, friendship was a wonderful force that could make even a bad egg like Sunset redeem her ways.

“And you sent me home at eight!” Sunset rose from her chair, arms flailing with the words. “Eight o’clock! All, ‘A growing girl needs her rest, Miss Shimmer.’”

“It was a school night,” Celestia replied with ease.

“But what about the rest!?” Sunset shrieked. “Demons! Magic! Ponies! Magic ponies! Suspiciously-fast redemption!”

“Sunset.”

A hard edge entered Celestia’s voice, reserved for her rowdiest students. The effect was immediate – Sunset silenced her rambling, though she remained standing, and looked expectantly for Celestia to continue.

The principal would oblige – but on her own time, not Sunset’s. Celestia rose, stretching her long legs with an honest smile. Sitting suited her poorly. She was a fidgety pacer, a thing that got her into plenty of trouble at Sunset’s age.

She stepped around the desk and settled a hand on Sunset’s shoulder. The act itself was normal – Celestia wasn’t shy about touching, be it a high-five in the hallway or a warm embrace for a crying student. Sunset didn’t flinch, but her incredulous look remained.

“I hope this doesn’t discourage you,” Celestia began. “And I hope it doesn’t sound condescending. But Sunset… unnatural threats to the people of this world didn’t begin when you came through that portal. And they won’t end with the Friendship Games, either.”

Celestia wasn’t sure what Sunset had been expecting, but that clearly wasn’t it. The girl’s face swept from bemused indignation to shock.

Celestia rubbed the shoulder, getting a good grip in case Sunset fainted. “This city has the misfortune of being built on a Ley Line. I don’t know if you have them where you come from, but they make the area a wellspring of magic that draws dark things to it like moths to a flame. They prey on the people here – innocent bystanders, even the families and students of Canterlot High.”

“Wait,” Sunset managed. “Go back. How? I mean… you?”

“Not just me,” Celestia said. “Luna, too, along with much of the faculty. Redheart, Iron Will, Cranky Doodle, Nagatha…”

“Nagatha?”

“Miss Harshwhinny. Do you know her?”

The breath caught in Sunset’s mouth, and departed with a hiss. “Yes. Definitely.”

She shook her head. “Okay, I can accept that monsters exist here. But what do you guys do? Write them referrals?”

Celestia had never quite grasped the nuances of sarcasm – she had a calm, honest reputation because that’s exactly who she was, and it took her a second to see the disguised wit. Another gentle laugh, and she gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “No, of course not. We kill them.”

The smile dipped as she realized it wasn’t calming at all. Sunset had startled at the words, and stumbled out of her grasp.

“Oh, don’t worry!” Celestia called, her mind finding an answer. “We won’t kill you, of course. I know you’re a nice girl, and I’ll do everything I can to protect you. I just want you to understand that if we seem calm in the face of strange events, it’s because they’re not strange for us. Again, I don’t want to belittle you. I know that the Fall Formal was a terribly exciting day for you. But for us…”

She shrugged, at loss for a better way to phrase it. “…It was Thursday.”

“Friday,” Luna corrected.

“No, definitely Thursday.” Celestia nodded. “It was a school night.”

“Ah. So it was.” And Luna returned her attention to the papers.

Sunset wobbled on her feet, but waved off the balancing hand Celestia offered. “Okay… I’m sorry, but you guys seem crazier than ever now. You’re Celestia – ever smiling, ever offering second chances to losers who don’t deserve them, and don’t get me started on what you’re like in my world!”

Celestia caught something in that last sentence, but Sunset gave her no chance to interrupt. “You’re the goodiest of goody two-shoes, and now I hear you hunt monsters? By killing them? How can you be both?”

“Hunting monsters doesn’t pay the bills,” Luna noted unhelpfully from her desk.

“Or nurture the youth.” Realizing that her bigger smile was perhaps a touch creepy given the circumstances, Celestia let it fall. “I see your point, Sunset. From my perspective, though, there is no difference. As principal, it is my joy and duty to guide, support, and protect my students. Hunting vampires falls in the final category, and thus into my realm of responsibility.”

“Vampires?”

“They’re our most common enemy.” Celestia shrugged. “They, ah, tend to favor preying on high school girls, and so–”

“I’m in.”

Like a turning key, Sunset had changed. Her frustrated, confused expression was now one of intensity, her green eyes meeting Celestia’s without fear.

Luna laughed. “No you’re not.”

“Well I’m not ignoring this!” Sunset stood straight and ready, defiantly casting her lot.

Celestia’s smile returned. She was proud of Sunset, and so said nothing as the girl went on.

“There is no way, no how I’m hearing all this and doing nothing about it. If these things are a danger to my friends, you bet your bottom bit I’m going to protect them. Heck, I’ve already saved this world twice!”

“This is a bit different,” Celestia said, hoping to talk her down gently. “Things… get violent.”

“I can do violent.” Sunset grinned savagely. “I did violent my first two years here. Now I’d just be doing it to undead perverts instead of innocents.”

“Ooh, I take it back.” Luna set down the papers, seemingly interested for the first time. She looked to Celestia, a smile dancing on her lips. “Let her in. We’ll see how it goes.”

Sunset nodded. “Principal: I’m in, and that’s that. If I didn’t and something happened to Applejack or Pinkie or someone, I’d never forgive myself. And I’ve studied a lot about magic, so maybe I can help from that end. You can’t possibly already have someone like that on your team.”

“We… don’t,” Celestia conceded. Luna’s rare note of support had left her outvoted. And if Sunset was this determined, maybe it was better to bring her in. Who knows what trouble she’d get into on her own?

“Alright, Sunset. Meet us here after school, and please: don’t mention any of this to your friends.”

“I don’t think they’d believe me.” Sunset chuckled and turned to leave. “Thanks, principals. I promise you won’t regret this.”

As her hand fell on the doorknob, Celestia’s voice stopped her. “And Sunset?”

“Yeah?”

The warm smile was back in place, greeting the girl as she looked back. “You aren’t a loser.”

Sunset opened her mouth, then closed it quickly with a grateful nod.

“Thanks,” she said. The five-minute warning bell rang, and she was out the door before it was done.

Author's Note

You ever have an idea where you're like, "This isn't gonna be Hemingway, but it's gonna be fun?"

Yeah.

Sunset Shimmer is not Good at Lying

Sunset was a good kid. Genuinely shocked by Twilight Sparkle’s forgiveness, she had taken the Equestria-sent lesson to heart and become decent, honest, and loyal.

However, she was also a teenaged girl, who possessed both a secret and a very garrulous band of friends.

The rest followed inevitably.

“Vampire hunters?” Sandwich crumbs flaked out as Rainbow talked and chewed at the same time. One shot over the lunchroom table, landing squarely on Rarity’s hair. The fashionista brushed it off with a nauseated look, then stared distastefully at her hand.

She sighed and produced hand sanitizer from her pocket. “That’s hard to believe, dear. Are you sure?”

“Uh…” Sunset gave a cheesy grin, realizing too late where their gossip had led. “Maybe?”

Applejack and Rainbow shared a frowning glance, while Fluttershy swallowed nervously. Only Rarity and Pinkie seemed untouched by the revelation – the former engrossed in her hand washing, and the latter giggling at something across the cafeteria.

“Pfft.” Rainbow blew through her lips, one hand sneaking over to Applejack’s cookie. A sly smile crept to her face, drawing a confused look from Sunset. “Nice try, Sunny. You had me going.”

“Jeez, don’t you make a habit of prankin’.” Applejack rested her chin in her palm, planting its elbow on Rainbow’s errant hand. “It’s hard enough keepin’ up with Pinkie Pie. Ah swear, that girl’s a whirlwind in a pigsty some days.”

Fate had given Sunset an out, and she rolled with it. She laughed unconvincingly and shrugged, but her friends’ attention had already wandered. Applejack and Rainbow’s roughhousing was slowly escalating, with both parties ignoring Rarity’s call for a truce.

Sunset’s sigh of relief was premature – no sooner did it leave her body than she felt a tug on her sleeve. A turn of the head showed Fluttershy, unleashing her puppy-dog eyes to their fullest effect.

“Was it true?” the girl squeaked. She hunched her shoulders and looked away, fidgeting with a lock of hair. “I, I only ask because vampires are scary, and, um, I’d be really scared if they were real.”

Sunset froze, the relieved smile locked in place. She wanted to maintain the bluff – the school faculty fought a shadow war, and she could appreciate that. Deception and intrigue were surely as important to them as any weapons, and breaking open the secret could cause them no end of trouble.

But those eyes… those blue, adorable eyes that could only belong to Fluttershy… only a monster would lie to them. Sunset was no monster. Resigned to the inevitable, she opened her mouth only for a brusque voice to interrupt.

“Hey.”

Both girls startled, and looked up to see Vice Principal Luna looming between them. She turned to Sunset, presenting Fluttershy with her back.

“Do you have a gun?” Luna asked. Fluttershy gave a “Meep!” and shirked away.

Sunset’s jaw worked for a second before she gave the only answer she could. “Uh… no.”

“Here.” A solid noise sounded as Luna slapped a heavy object to the lunchroom table. It was holstered and small, but unmistakably a black semi-automatic pistol.

“Remember – our office, after school.” With that, she turned and departed.

A new, even less convincing grin tore across Sunset’s face as she glanced to her friends. Fluttershy’s eyes were wide, and she leaned away from the gun as though it would bite her. Applejack’s battle with Rainbow had swung clearly in her favor, with two fingers jammed up the other’s nose like a wayward hog’s. The country girl gave a low whistle, ignoring Rainbow’s flailing and Rarity’s disgusted glare.

“That there’s a nice piece, Sunset.” Applejack said, grabbing her cookie with the free hand. “You ‘n the V.P. goin’ to the shootin’ range today?”

“Yes!” Sunset pounced on the excuse. She quickly swept the pistol into her backpack, mind racing with theories on just what the hell Luna was thinking.

“Shucks, next time y’all just come on over to the farm. We got plenty of spare targets, and you can try out my shotgun if you’re curious what a right proper long-arm can do. We got a .22 as well, but even Applebloom’s outgrown that little–”

“Applejack, will you kindly get your hand back where it belongs?”

Shrugging at Rarity’s request, Applejack pulled the offending fingers from her gasping rival. She then proceeded to companionably slap Rainbow’s shoulder with the same hand, causing Rarity to swoon at the created stain. Fluttershy and Pinkie knelt over her, Rainbow leapt on Applejack with a scream… and the gun was forgotten.

Sunset quietly sipped her juice and wondered, not for the first time, if she was the only sane person this planet had to offer.

Author's Note

Yesterday, I wrote deep, sad tales of loss and sacrifice.

Today, I wrote booger jokes and giggled.

I am content.

Pretty Pony Princesses Perplexing Pensive Principals and Penitent Pupils

Principal Celestia pulled the lasagna from the oven – a scratch-made recipe, modified to be vegetarian friendly and cooked just long enough to bring its many ingredients into harmony.

It wasn’t perfect. No time to try again. She slapped the dish to the oven top with a resigned sigh.

Luna sat on the counter next to her, munching from the salad bowl. “It looks fine, Tia.”

“We are hosting royalty.” Celestia didn’t quite snap the words, but her stress came through as a growl. “‘Fine’ isn’t good enough.”

“Pony royalty,” Luna said around a cucumber slice. “They probably eat raw carrots and hay. Besides, you were the one who wanted this.”

Celestia shook her head, releasing another hard sigh. “I did not. I have nothing in common with that woman, and I do not look forward to meeting her.”

“So why’d you say yes?” Luna asked, then waved her hand. “Never mind, I was there. Sunset was all, ‘Mom, can I have some friends over? And by friends I mean your horse princess demigod clone?’ And you saw that hopeful, smiling look she gets and caved like a spelunker.”

Celestia snatched the bowl from Luna’s side and placed it on the table. “What else was I going to say? ‘No, because I’ll look like shit next to Princess Perfect?’”

“I love it when you swear.” Luna smiled. “But seriously, if she asked me I would have said no. At least your clone is flattering. Mine tried to–”

“I found the silver!” Sunset followed her voice into the kitchen, bearing a massive grin and the dusty case of Celestia’s good silverware.

“Thank you.” Celestia turned to face her with a cheery smile. “I’ll take care of setting them. Can you look for my nice teapot? It’s going to be in the basement, in one of the boxes by the rifle rack.”

Luna pushed herself off the counter. “You nervous, Sunset?”

“A little.” Sunset added a chuckle to her grin. “We’ve been trading letters through the journal. At first I wondered if she was just being polite, but then she asked to visit. This is amazing. She forgave me, she invited me back, she said she loves me… it’s real. She wouldn’t be coming if she didn’t mean it.”

“Of course she does.” Celestia’s smile remained.

“Anyway, thanks for letting them come! I really look forward to you all meeting.”

“We look forward to it, too.” Celestia said as Sunset departed.

Luna waited for the young woman to leave before adding, “We do?”

The mask dropped, and Celestia groaned. But she didn’t respond to the wit – she pocketed her hands, looking to the side with a thoughtful frown. “You think she’ll go home?”

“She is home,” Luna answered.

“The student of royalty.” Celestia’s long leg kicked once at the floor. “Her own room, servants at her beck and call, her magic returned, a world of fairyland adventure…”

Luna cut in. “She’s a teenager. She doesn’t want that shit, she wants to hang with her friends, eat pizza, sneak beer, and maybe get a little nookie. It’s completely against her own interests, but she’ll stay.”

Celestia drew a sharp breath, eyes closed and eyebrow twitching. “Thank you for making me feel better about this, now don’t you have something else to do?”

A knock on the door snapped her eyes back open. “Shit, they’re here? How’s my hair?”

“Heh, you swore again.”

“Ooh-ooh, I got it!” Sunset was already pounding to the front of the house. She caught her breath in the hallway, tried unsuccessfully to fight down her grin, and threw open the door.

“Sunset! It’s so good to see you.”

The next thing Celestia heard was a piteous squeak. She leaned into the hallway to find a red-faced Sunset being embraced by two women – perfect copies of herself and Luna, smiling happily and butt-naked.

Luna, at least, had the good grace to step back into the kitchen before she burst out laughing.

Fortunately, the obvious problem was easily solved – go figure, the principals had plenty of clothes in the princesses’ size. The five of them sat around the table, with Sunset bouncing giddily in her seat and the other four smiling with mixed sincerity.

“Thank you for having us.” Princess Celestia bowed her head to the two humans. “Most of all, thank you for taking care of Sunset.”

Princess Luna nodded, already scooping out her own helping of lasagna. “Indeed! Tis most gracious of thee to share thy meager resources with one in such need as her.”

The human Luna did not hide her wince. Celestia did. “You are most welcome,” she said with a smile.

“Luna, dear!” Princess Celestia playfully chided her sister, who giggled in response. “Manners! We must have dessert before we load our plates.”

“Dessert is served first in Equestria,” Sunset offered.

A brief flash of teeth and honesty graced Luna’s smile. “I’m okay with that.”

“My student is correct. And I believe she shall recognize these.” Princess Celestia raised a small golden chest and set it on the table. With no apparent unfamiliarity with fingers, she clicked open the latch and flipped the lid to reveal a dozen sugar cubes, drizzled with a clear pink syrup.

“Sugarjoys?” Sunset’s smile wobbled. “Wow, you shouldn’t have.”

“But I did.” The princess smiled first at Sunset, then to the humans. “They’re an Equestrian delicacy. The sugar is mixed with powdered joy, with just a little bit of blossomberry syrup added to give it that light taste. They’re Sunset’s favorite back home.”

The last word’s emphasis was all in Human Celestia’s head. “That’s nice,” she said, very pleasantly.

Principal Luna accepted a cube along with the other three. She eyed the moist treat for a second, shrugged, and popped it in her mouth.

“How does it taste?” her sister whispered.

“Like the nectar of angels. Of course.” But the bitter comment did not stop Luna from claiming a few more.

Evidently the louder of the pair, Princess Luna pushed the box closer to Principal Celestia. “Have some! To hear mine sister tell it, thou must indulge whilst thy may, lest Sunset Shimmer devour them all!”

Both Sunset and Principal Celestia gave weak chuckles, the latter raising her palms out. “I’m sorry, I really can’t. I have diabetes.”

The equine Luna tilted her head. “Diabees? What do they have to do with this?”

“No, ‘diabetes.’”

“Right, ‘diabees.’”

The two sides stared blankly at each other before Sunset intervened. “Princesses, ‘diabetes’ is a disease some humans have that make it dangerous for them to eat a lot of sugar. Miss Celestia, Miss Luna, ‘diabees’ are a race of flying insects that invaded Equestria a few hundred years ago. They pollinated in sugar, which made it poisonous.”

“But that’s long past,” Princess Celestia continued. “At the height of their invasion, a young baker named Sweet Delight had the idea to show the bees just how delicious sugar could be. She baked them a feast of cake, cookies and pie, and it was so good that not only did the diabees agree to stop poisoning our sugar, they also resolved to make their own sweet treats and trade them with the ponies. That’s how honey was invented.”

A brief stillness followed the explanation, broken only by the tremble of Principal Luna’s fist around her fork.

“That’s very interesting,” Principal Celestia said with a tiny twitch in her smile. “Let’s eat.”

“We are a step ahead of you!” Princess Luna had already piled her plate with food while the others were talking. She closed her eyes as she took her first bite of lasagna, chewing and swallowing with relish. “Tis excellent repast, mine sisters from another world! Truly, thou hast worked a culinary miracle within thine humble means.”

Sunset paused with her fork poised for a second before digging in. Celestia’s eye began twitching, so she closed it and tilted her head. “Thank you, your highness.”

The pony scoffed. “Please, as We have said, thou art our sister and we shall speak as such. I have read Sunset’s letters to Twilight of the work thou doeth here, and tis grand! Fighting the good fight against the forces of evil who threaten thine world. Equestria has had many similar battles in recent years: Tirek, Chrysalis, and more. A war, even, some sixty years ago when mine sister fought the Unicorn Supremacists and their leader, Small Mustache!”

The humans blinked, and exchanged a glance.

“‘Small Mustache?’” Celestia asked, scarcely believing the parallel she saw.

Luna was even more incredulous. “‘War?’”

“Indeed!” Princess Luna bellowed. “On the fields of Prance the Equestrian army met them, sword to sword!”

Principal Luna stared at her twin. “Like… metal swords? For killing?”

Princess Luna waved her down. “Heavens, no. Foam swords. When one was hit, one then had to sit out.”

The two humans gave another blink as their minds digested, indigested, and vomited. While Principal Celestia turned her attention to the food with a quiet sigh, her sister pressed on. “What if they didn’t sit out?”

“Then a referee would penalize them.”

“You had referees!?” Human Luna asked loudly, her indignation finally defeating her tact.

“Of course. How else would cheaters be detected?” Princess Luna sniffed regally, then raised a hand to stage-whisper to her sister. “Hm, this other me seems a touch slow.”

“Now Luna…”

“Don’t ‘Now Luna’ me, We speak the truth.”

Princess Celestia smiled gently across the table. “At any rate, as hard as the war was on all of us, it ended well. At the height of the fighting a group of ponies began a song about acceptance and love, and it was so catchy that soon everyone was singing along. The Supremacists realized they were in the wrong and disbanded, and Small Mustache went on to be a fine painter.”

“Oh. My God.” Principal Luna laughed, then gave a few more laughs that sounded like sobs. “No wonder the changelings kicked your asses.”

“Luna!” Principal Celestia chided, then turned her painted smile back to the ponies. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Luna followed with a shrug.

To both of their surprise, Princess Luna laughed with a full mouth and slapped her twin on the shoulder. “Neither are We! We see ourselves in this other me. She and I are the blunt and truthful ones.”

“Don’t compare us.” Principal Luna jerked her shoulder away from the hand, her scowl finally breaking through. “I will wither and die in the time it takes your royal ass to make a shit. We have nothing in common.”

Her Equestrian counterpart’s humor dropped, replaced with an imperious glare and a mouth pressed to a thin line. “Thou art correct. I am courteous and companionable, and thou lackest these qualities.”

“Great pasta, Miss Celestia!” Sunset called with strangled cheer.

Principal Luna ignored her, still focused on her twin. “Yeah, I guess you are nicer than me. Maybe you learned it during your thousand year time-out after becoming a genocidal maniac.”

“Now Luna…” Principal Celestia began in a warning tone.

“Don’t ‘Now Luna’ me,” Luna huffed. “We have to suffer, bleed and die to do anything in this world. I’m not going to sit here and get my nose rubbed in it by this bitch and her exposition-spewing sister.”

“THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE BEST LASAGNA I HAVE EVER TASTED!”

“ME TOO!”

Sunset’s feeble interruption was unsurprising, and duly ignored. Its note of support, however, drew four sets of eyes to the humanized Princess Celestia, wearing a beard of tomato sauce around her bashful grin.

One Luna laughed out loud. The other reddened and demanded her sister cease embarrassing them.

Hiding behind her teacup, the human Celestia finally allowed herself to frown. She had watched her twin eat daintily all meal, then quickly decorate her face as the conversation flew out of control. One move and one line from her mouth had averted disaster. Brilliant. Perfect.

Celestia could recognize the stab of jealousy in her heart – one that twisted as she saw Sunset laugh and scramble to wipe her mentor’s chin. But that wasn’t fair, and she knew as much. The princess was incredible, Principal Celestia was not, and there was nothing to do but accept it and move on.

“Do you have movies in Equestria?” she asked sweetly, quietly ensuring the Lunas wouldn’t pick up where they left off.

“We do,” Princess Celestia said. “Although we must go to a cinema for them. I gathered from Twilight that humans have the ability to watch movies at home.”

Principal Celestia brought her teacup down, her smile back in place. “It’s true, and I have one I think you’ll find interesting. It concerns the unicorn legends we have here on Earth.”

That perked the Celestial sisters’ interest. “It’s called, ‘The Last Unicorn.’”

Princess Luna made a face. “That is not a pleasant title.”

“But we’ll be happy to watch, and then form our opinions,” Princess Celestia followed diplomatically. The pair of them and Human Luna moved to the living room, leaving the leftovers to their host.

Sunset began stacking plates. “I’ll help.”

“Leave it to me.” Their eyes met, and Principal Celestia gave a truthful smile. “She came all this way to see you.”

The smile widened as Sunset stubbornly collected another plate. A good kid – doing what’s right, and damn everything else. It was how she rolled. How she made it this far, and how she seemed set to keep on rolling. Not just a do-gooder, but a confident, smart do-gooder who could turn will into action.

The future was bright for Sunset. It held whatever the girl wanted: a career in science, politics, law…

…Wizardry.

Servants at her beck and call. A palace home. A peaceful world.

A perfect mother.

Celestia’s gentle smile remained as she collected the dishes from Sunset. “Go with her.”

Maybe Sunset caught the double meaning in the words. Maybe she didn’t. Her sideways glance betrayed no thoughts. “It’s my choice.”

The sentimental heartbeat passed, and Celestia took the plates to the sink. “I grew up with that movie. Go watch, I think you’ll like it.”

Initially, Celestia went to join them in the living room. It was her favorite movie: the touching story of three flawed and homely souls bringing a lost unicorn to her destiny, then waving goodbye with glad smiles when she found it.

But seeing Sunset curled up next to that woman… no. Principal Celestia rationalized that she had paperwork to do, and set to in the dining room. She had seen the movie enough. She knew how it ends.

An hour and a half later, Sunset opened the connecting door, bringing with her the sound of two Lunas crying in stereo.

“How’d it go?” Celestia asked.

Sunset’s own eyes were a little puffy. “Pretty good, but you’re out of tissues. Princess Celestia is getting some toilet paper to substitute.”

She folded her arms. “To be honest, I hated it.”

“Not a fan of tearjerkers?”

“It’s more than that,” Sunset growled. “The prince, the cook, the wizard… they loved the unicorn. They did everything they could for her. Then when she learns she’s not the last after all, she ditches them to go hang with the others. It’s like, ‘Thanks for loving and caring for me, suckers!’”

“She went with her people,” Celestia offered.

Sunset shook her head. “The people who love you are your people.”

Celestia paused, and responded softly. “Sometimes love means letting go.”

“That doesn’t excuse leaving you.”

“What?”

“That doesn’t excuse leaving them.” Sunset looked steadily back to Celestia, showing no embarrassment at the slip. Or had Celestia just misheard?

The young girl looked away. She sighed, and shook her head again. “Tell you a secret?”

“Of course.” Still wrong-footed, Celestia fell back to her kindly smile.

“I hate sugarjoys.”

Sunset gave a quiet chuckle and closed the door behind her. “They were my first real memory with Princess Celestia. I had gone from hobo orphan to personal student in the space of an afternoon, and I was terrified. She saw me like that, so she took me to the kitchen, dismissed the staff, and used her own hooves to whip up a batch of sugarjoys. They became ‘our’ treat – the thing she would make me as a reward, or to get me through a long night studying.”

“Here’s the thing: they’re awful. Like a sugar cube mixed with syrup, cola, and doughnut glaze. I loved them when I was four, but I grew up.” Sunset sighed, and cast her eyes back to the living room. “I grew up, and she never noticed.”

“Sunset…” Celestia began, though in truth she had nothing in mind.

“That’s not a dig on her,” Sunset quickly clarified. “That’s just how she is. Compared to her, no one ever ‘grows up.’ She’s literally thousands of years old, so of course she thinks I still like sugarjoys. To her, fifteen years is yesterday. Fates bless her for trying, but she doesn’t understand me, and I don’t think she even can.”

Sunset shuffled in place. She glanced to and away from Celestia, a pink tinge coming to her cheeks. “I used to think of her as a mother. That was a dream. A mother isn’t someone who cares for the whole world forever – queen, matron, and god. It’s someone you think you can be when you get older. Someone who forgives mistakes not because she has endless love and experience, but because she’s made mistakes too and knows what it’s like. Someone who can say, ‘You’re special to me,’ without having to tack on, ‘just like everyone else.’”

Another glance, to and away. The pink in her cheeks turned red. “Someone who’s not too polite to say you screwed up. And who’s there to remind you that… y-you’re not a loser.”

“Sunset…” Celestia tried again, but Sunset pressed on first.

“Sorry. This is pretty heavy. I’ve been doing some thinking. I told you she invited me back, right?”

Celestia nodded. “Yes.”

“Well I’m not going.” Sunset’s voice shrunk to a whisper.

Celestia’s matched it. “I’m happy to hear that.”

She blinked, and Sunset was in her arms. The skinny, shorter girl wrapped her hands around Celestia and squeezed.

Celestia hugged her back – the move was instinctive at this point. It felt natural. And right.

The words also emerged without thought, giving the brain no time to intercept. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Five quiet words they already knew. Sunset stepped away, grinning. “Now come watch me shoot that old mare down.”

Despite the bravado, their parting was peaceful. Princess Celestia stood on the porch, turned to the door for a last goodbye. “You’re free to come back, Sunset. I want you to know that.”

“I do,” Sunset said, standing with the principals inside the house.

The princess nodded once, accepting the unspoken refusal with perfect grace. Of course, but at least she was leaving.

Princess Luna picked at her shirt. She abruptly looked down to it as a memory struck, and began pulling it upwards. “Sister, we must return their clothes.”

“Keep them!” The principals cheered, hands out and smiling desperately.

Whether they grasped the fear or not, at least the ponies ceased to disrobe. Princess Celestia’s calm smile never moved. “Thank you. You keep the sugarjoy box, too. It’s just bettergold, I have a dozen like it.”

“I’ll walk them to the portal.” Sunset jogged ahead to the sidewalk, giving the sisters a moment of their own. The Lunas shuffled awkwardly, neither quite meeting the other’s eye.

“We doth apologize for our outbursts.”

“I don’t.” The human Luna smirked.

Princess Luna frowned fiercely, waging a brief and futile battle to hide her own smile. “Then neither do We.”

“It was a pleasure.” The words brought Principal Celestia’s focus to her own twin – a mirror image, and just as untouchable. “Perhaps next time you might visit Equestria.”

Celestia had smiled so much this evening her mouth was numb, but she forced its corners up once more. “It was good to have you.”

“You don’t need to lie.”

Of course the princess had seen the truth. Maybe she was never fooled at all. “I hope at least you will visit, and give us a chance to be better hosts than guests.”

Then she offered her hand, and after a moment’s hesitation Principal Celestia accepted. Strangers though they were, they could at least shake hands.

“Take care of Sunset. She could not ask for a better mother in any world.”

Celestia warmed at the praise, in spite of herself. “Thank you. But I am not her mother.”

“Indeed?” A hiccup entered the princess’ endless serenity. Her mouth quirked upwards beyond its peaceful norm, and she turned away. “Perhaps that word’s meaning is different here.”

She strode from the porch, her sister at her side, and together with Sunset they departed from sight.

A sharp elbow poked Celestia in the ribs, accompanied by Luna’s voice. “Wow. Even the ponies know you’re full of shit.”

Author's Note

-Bitter, weary, middle-aged humans + Immortal Pony Princesses = one hell of an awkward dinner. Sorry Twilight couldn’t join them; she’s busy with her new friend.

-So I finally got around to filling a gap in my nerd cred by watching The Last Unicorn (it was a bit before my time). While its directing and pacing are earnestly bad by today’s standards, the plot points and important lines remain poignant and touching. Definitely happy I watched.

-It is *super* annoying to always have to clarify “Principal/Princess Luna/Celestia”

-Probably will be more than two weeks before the next chapter, because it actually contains action, which takes me forever to write.

The Secret End Boss of "Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead"

She dusted off her hands, and locked her fingers above the desk. “You may come in, Miss Cadence.”

There was an “Eep!” from the doorway and the pink idiot stumbled in, laughing and sweating. “Sorry, I, uh, heard a shout and came running, b-but then I remembered you don’t like being interrupted and–”

Principal Cinch waved her hand. “Cease your prattle. I heard nothing, so do you have anything else for me?”

Cadence froze, still grinning painfully. “N-no, I’ll leave. Um… yeah, I’ll leave.”

Cinch rolled her eyes as the woman fled. She could smell the fear a mile away, just like she smelled Cadence at the door. The nosy dean had heard everything, and now doubtless scampered to warn Celestia.

A deeper frown settled in as Cinch wondered. Cadence didn’t speak much with Celestia; she might go to the younger sister first. What was her name? Vice-Pincipal… Moona?

Unimportant. She would tell her darling sister if Cadence didn’t, and the plan would proceed. Sombra’s loss was annoying, but not entirely unpredicted. He lived and died a fool, and besides, Cinch had more important things to do than help the idiot adjust.

More important things… “At Canterlot High.” She spat the words. “The publically-funded anthill in the dirt.”

Her temper passed. Cinch allowed the tiny smirk to return as she closed her office door.

All was not as it should be. Soon enough, though… it would.

Author's Note

I'm pretty sure no one's terribly surprised at this development.

One More Slice-of-Life Chapter Before Shit Gets Real

The final bell marked the start of another precious weekend. Sunset loitered, walking with Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow to their lockers. The yellow redhead waved her arms as she talked, matching her friends’ calm contentment with bubbly cheer. “…And Rainbow, those running shoes? Perfect. I’ve started going with Celestia on her jogs and now I can actually keep up. Thanks so much for them.”

“You’re welcome.” Rainbow shared a knowing smile with Rarity. “Again.”

Sunset didn’t even hear. “You guys are the best. How many girls get a ‘Congratulations you got adopted’ party? Literally the day after I told you! I mean, the cake, the presents, the banner, there’s no way you put it all together in one night. It’s like you all knew before I did.”

Rainbow opened her mouth, but a nudge from Rarity’s elbow closed it. The fashionista gave a tepid laugh. “Well, you know Pinkie Pie. She senses things.”

“That are obvious,” Rainbow mumbled, drawing a sharper elbow from Applejack.

Sunset remained oblivious. “Hey, we got that big science test coming up. You guys want to come over tomorrow to study? It’d be cool to finally show you my room.”

“Rain check.” Applejack held up a hand. “Got plans.”

Sunset slowed, falling back in line with them. “What are you doing?”

“You mean, ‘who,’” Rainbow snickered, earning one more elbow-poke from Rarity.

Applejack chuckled and scratched the back of her head. “Funny story. Remember how Limestone offered to buy me dinner if I fought the lich with y’all? I didn’t, but I guess she did. We’re hittin’ the steakhouse, then maybe the gun range afterwards.”

“Oh,” Sunset said. She tried to recall a favorable memory of Limestone, failed, and shrugged. “Good luck. Um, call me afterwards.”

“In case I’m a cryin’ wreck?” Applejack’s grin shined beneath the freckles. “Don’t put the cart before the horse, here. For all I know she’s just sayin’ thanks all proper-like.”

“Which is why she gave you chocolates,” Rainbow noted.

Rarity blinked. “I didn’t hear about this.”

“It was classic Limestone.” Rainbow laughed, slapping the shoulder of a blushing Applejack. “We walked out of the school, right? And she just screams across the parking lot, ‘Hey, redneck!’ So we look and she’s got this heart-shaped box of chocolates that she’s hiding behind, and she goes, ‘I think you’re cool, will you go out with me?’ Then she flings the box at us and runs for the hills.”

Applejack offered a gentler laugh. “Girl needs a little more experience in the ol’ datin’ scene.”

The expression dropped to a serious frown. “And before anyone gets cute, I’m gonna remind y’all that Pinkie and I ain’t really cousins regardless of what we call each other.”

Sunset strode on confidently. “That’s not weird for me. Pony cousins marry each other all the time.”

Synchronized, the other three hesitated a step and fell behind her. Sunset turned and gave a quick wave. “I’m catching a ride today. Mom and Luna are going to show me around Professor Whooves’ workshop while we pick something up.”

The others waved their goodbyes and Sunset departed in a rush. The day had been a rough one, and an evening with Celestia looking at cool gadgets was just what she needed to turn it around.

A quick glance around the parking lot showed a purple sedan with Luna at its side. The blue woman waved her over and Sunset approached at a light jog, beaming. She traded a quick hug with her aunt and slipped into the back seat, next to Whooves and behind…

“Problem, Miss Shimmer?” Miss Harshwhinny eyed her through the mirror as they pulled into the street.

“No,” Sunset lied. “Just… rough day. Didn’t Mom say she was coming?”

Luna gave an apologetic shrug from the passenger seat. “Cadence called during eleventh period and was flipping out over something. Nagatha nicely volunteered to drive us to Whooves’ place while Tia checked it out.”

Miss Harshwhinny sniffed. “I did not volunteer, she asked me to.”

Luna waved her down. “Yes, yes, I don’t like you, either. Let’s get this over with.”

“Agreed,” was the frosty reply. Harshwhinny kept her eyes on the road while Luna’s turned to a handheld game, a truce that lasted all of twenty seconds.

“Miss Luna, would it kill you to put down the video game while we are working?”

“We are driving,” Luna said.

“A little bit of discipline and patience would set a good example.” Harshwhinny said as they eased into a traffic jam. “Even Sunset didn’t whip out her phone the moment we sat down.”

Oddly, or at least oddly to Sunset’s mind, no word was paid to Professor Whooves. The young man hunched over his phone and tapped away, content to both ignore and be ignored.

Luna grumbled something inaudible before raising her voice. “Hey Sunset, you said the day was rough? What happened?”

“Nice dodge,” Harshwhinny muttered.

“I am looking after my niece.” Luna shot her a checkmate smile before turning to the back of the car.

Sunset drew up her knees. “It was fine. Basically.”

“You want to talk about it?” Luna offered.

“Not really.” Sunset shuffled and looked away.

They had all dealt with teenagers before. A new truce settled, holding the silence for several minutes as Sunset fidgeted, checked her phone, and finally went off. “It’s been, what, a year? No, over a year by now; it was last autumn when I turned myself around. I’ve done a lot of good in that time, and I really don’t think it’s too much to ask for people to acknowledge that I’ve changed. I protect people, I volunteer, I’m nice and honest. Heck, I might have saved the world that night with the Dazzlings!”

“You didn’t,” Miss Harshwhinny unhelpfully added. “I was lining up a shot.”

“And you did nothing before then?” Sunset’s annoyed voice returned.

Harshwhinny shrugged. “I didn’t know there was mind-control at work. Frankly, I approved when Miss Celestia turned the little music pow-wow into a contest that demanded actual skill.”

“Okay, so maybe I saved the world, maybe I saved the Dazzlings.” Sunset went on, undeterred. “Either way, it was a good thing. Not even the biggest good thing I’ve done. They all know it. There’s not a single person on this world who can come and say, ‘Sunset, you’ve been a jerk this past year.’ Except maybe Adagio, and screw her.”

“What happened?” Luna asked quietly, and was ignored as the pent-up rant continued.

“I don’t even mind being reminded of what I used to be. It’s important for me to remember, so I can consciously avoid it. But it’s not okay for people to think the old me is still here. I really think I’ve done enough for long enough that people should know Sunset Shithead is dead and gone.”

Luna tried again. “What happened?”

This time, Sunset threw her head back with a loud sigh. “Sophomore year. It was supposed to be the battle of the century against Griffonstone’s soccer team, but Canterlot forfeited. The reason was we were the hosts and had to provide everything, but all the netting and balls and stuff got lost. The team looked like total idiots, and the perception stuck. These days they can barely recruit enough students to play in the leagues.”

Even Whooves paused his texting, giving the only indication he was listening. Sunset hugged her knees and gave a bitter laugh. “It was me, of course. The Wondercolts’ old captain refused to endorse me as Spring Queen, I told him I’d get payback, and I did. Spitfire wasn’t even a front liner then, but I think he told her when she became captain. So last night Soarin didn’t respond to my texts, and I come in today and Rainbow said Spitfire told the team about what happened back then. I wave at Soarin in the hall, and he gives this kind of half-wave back and doesn’t look at me. He’s stopped texting me, he’s not sitting at our table… I just want to grab and shake him and say it was two years ago, let it go!”

Miss Harshwhinny made an indifferent grunt. “Yes, how dare he judge you by your past actions.”

“Not ‘my’ past actions.” Sunset leaned forward, slapping a hand over her heart. “Hers. The bitch me who is over and done with.”

“Miss Shimmer, it is a convenient delusion that your suspicious change of heart somehow absolves you of what went on before it.”

“‘Suspicious?’” Luna and Sunset growled at once, drawing an irate sigh from Miss Harshwhinny.

“Calm your indignation, it was very suspicious at the time. An apology from a failed aspiring evil overlord can hardly be taken at face value.” Harshwhinny eased another dozen feet through the traffic, her frown softening. “For what it’s worth, I have come to accept that you’ve changed, and so will offer my perspective: the event was years ago, but for Soarin and the other team members it is fresh. They just learned of it. Given the consequences, it is not unreasonable of them to be angry.”

“So how do I get them to stop being angry?” Sunset asked.

The tan-skinned frown tightened once more. “You don’t. It’s on them. Once their anger fades, they will come to understand how different you are today and let the grudge pass. Or they will not, in which case no amount of smiling helpfulness will change their minds.”

“There’s got to be something I can do,” Sunset grumbled, settling back into her seat. “Or something I’ve already done! I’ve done so much good, does it mean nothing? Doesn’t it at least give me a little credit?”

Another quiet sigh escaped Miss Harshwhinny as the traffic sped to a slow crawl. “Good and evil isn’t a scale, Miss Shimmer. Sabotaging the team didn’t give you minus-ten morality, eliminated by plus-fifty morality from saving the school. Good is temporary, I think. You do it, and it’s done. But the evil you do stays. Lingers. Breeds. Returns years later to inform you it is alive and well.”

A quiet, male voice broke in. “The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones.”

A second of silence, and Professor Whooves softly clarified. “That was Shakespeare.”

“Thank you, Whooves.” Harshwhinny’s tone may or may not have meant, ‘Go back to your phone.’ It was hard to tell with her.

Sunset scratched the back of her neck, frowning. “So what, if the team hates me now I can’t do anything about it?”

A wry smile twitched onto Harshwhinny’s face. “Strange of me to advocate inaction, isn’t it? But you can do something: forgive yourself, forgive them, and move on. You can’t erase the evil, but you can refuse its hold.”

Luna gently shoved the older woman on the shoulder. “You have been listening to my sister.”

“Pish. I told you both the same years ago.” Harshwhinny flattened her lips, a move that failed the hide their upward twinge. “Really, it’s just a very wordy, ‘Ignore them.’”

“Maybe that works for you,” Sunset said, though at least she was more thoughtful than angry. “I still want to talk with Soarin about it. Get things out in the open.”

A laugh barked from Luna’s throat. “If you come onto him in the locker room, I bet he’ll like you in a real big hurry.”

“Thanks, Vice Principal,” Sunset deadpanned, while Luna cackled and Miss Harshwhinny coughed into her sleeve.

“So! Moving on.” Sunset turned to Professor Whooves, grinning widely. “I haven’t talked with you much, and I haven’t seen you fight. What’s your story?”

Whooves blushed slightly at the attention and rapidly slapped down the phone, straightened his bow tie, and smoothed his corduroy jacket. “Not much to tell. I, ah, really don’t do the whole ‘fighting’ thing. I research, study, experiment… I’m a scientist, you know, I look at it all from that perspective. Most of my findings have unfortunately limited practical applications, but I have developed a number of inventions the hunters use in their work.”

Luna and Miss Harshwhinny exchanged a quiet, knowing glance. The word ‘scientist,’ though, triggered stars in Sunset’s eyes. “Inventions? Like what?”

“Well, like this! Here, I’ve been meaning to get this to you.” Whooves opened his suitcase and handed over…

“A hairdryer?” Sunset accepted it with a confused frown.

Whooves laughed. “No, no, a light gun. Ghasts and some vampire breeds burn in sufficiently bright light, correct? They hunt at night, so this lets you bring the sun to them! Seven seconds from a light of this magnitude is enough to reduce any of them to dust.”

“Much like one second of gunfire,” Luna whispered, drawing a subtle nod from Harshwhinny. Sunset caught the logic too, and her smile grew very polite as she slipped the tool into her jacket.

Oblivious, Whooves went on. “Actually, the most interesting breakthrough has occurred very recently, all thanks to my new assistant.”

He beamed, allowing a pregnant pause before explaining. “Miss Twilight Sparkle. Brilliant girl. Bright future ahead of her. All on her own, made a device capable of resonating with Equestrian magic. Not terribly relevant to our present needs, but the trick here is she did it with science. We know that Equestria and Earth have similar magic, and we know that a scientific device can detect Equestrian magic, so it only stands to reason such a device might detect more, shall we say, ‘hostile’ mystic elements. City-wide surveillance is a bit pie-in-the-sky at this point, but even a personal magic-sensing device can give us early warning, short-range tracking, etcetera.”

Interesting, but then he went off on a tangent. Theories of proton particles and Higgs’ Coxswains… it didn’t take long for Luna to get lost. A yawn crept out from her as the traffic once more hit a standstill.

She reached over to the dashboard. “Hey Nags, I’m gonna put on some music.”

A brown hand slapped hers away before it was halfway there. “No, you are not.”

Author's Note

Exposition nobody asked for:

How did Harshwhinny resist the Sirens?
-Her and Cranky, actually. The sirens worked by spreading suspicion and anger, and the two of them were already dour-faced assassins of joy. Unfortunately, they were also clueless until it was basically too late. If it hadn’t been for Sunset it would have been those two against three ascended magical monsters… a bad fight, but Harshwhinny wasn't about to let that get in the way of a good undercutting.