Yes, Octavia, There Is a Krampus Claus
“Vinyl, can you please help me with your daughter? She’s– Racket! Get off the chandelier right now!” I shouted as my daughter decided to take her wings for a spin by flying from the stairs to the chandelier hanging over Monticello’s main foyer.
“Chase me! Chase me!” Racket shouted, swinging the chandelier like it was her very own… well, swing. “Come on, mommy, chase me.”
“You know I can’t, Racket. If you’ll just come down, though, I’m sure I can think of something else for us to do.” Something properly enriching for young foals. Not that we could go to museums or… really do anything that required even the slightest amount of decorum. Celestia, how long had it been since I’d gone out for a quiet evening? “If you don’t come down, young lady, there will be consequences.” I put as much steel in my voice as I could. Not that it ever made a difference.
“You can’t send me to my room if you can’t catch me,” she said, giggling as she looked down at me. “Catch me, mommy.”
Thankfully, the cavalry chose that moment to waddle into the room. A very slow-moving, very pregnant cavalry who took one look at my almost-certainly frayed mane, another look at our daughter, and promptly sat down. Not that I could blame her for that, I knew what it felt like to have a foal growing inside you and sucking the very nutrients from your blood. Then they came out, and it made before seem like a dream.
“Alright,” Vinyl said, drawing the word out in that peculiar way that said she had a plan. “Come down here right now, Racket, or…” She paused before giving me a nod. “Or Krampus will come to get you.” Kramp-what-now?
“Kramp-what?” Racket asked. Vinyl smirked.
“Krampus. Come down here and I’ll tell you about him.” I was about to trot over and whisper to Vinyl that whatever she was getting at might not be the best idea, but before I could, there was the sound of fluttering wings and hooves touching down on the carpet.
“Who’s Krampus?” Racket asked, eyes fixed on her other mother.
Vinyl gave a little laugh. “Well, you know how Santa Hooves comes around to give gifts to all the good fillies and colts on Hearth’s Warming?” Racket nodded. “Well, if you’re bad, then instead of getting presents on Hearth’s Warming, Krampus will come in the night and give you coal. And if you’re really bad, then on Hearth’s Warming Eve, instead of giving you anything, he’ll come and take you away to his secret lair.”
Oh, Celestia, no. Vinyl wasn’t about to fill our daughter’s head with scary stories right before– “What happens then?” Racket asked, looking at Vinyl like she’d just said the most important thing in the world.
“I don’t know,” Vinyl said. “Because nopony he’s taken was ever heard from again.”
“No Krampus!” Racket yelled before dashing upstairs and Vinyl burst out laughing. If I strained my ears, I could just barely make out the sound of a door slamming over my wife.
“Vinyl, just what possessed you to think that was a good idea? Now Racket’s going to be even–”
“Relax, Tavi,” Vinyl said, laughter finally subsiding. “It’s just a stupid thing parents tell their kids so they’ll be good the last few weeks before Hearth’s Warming. ‘Oh, you didn’t finish your vegetables? Krampus will give you coal for Hearth’s Warming’, or ‘If you don’t stop running in the house this instant, Krampus will come and put you in his giant wicker basket and take you away.’”
I blinked. Was that the stupidest thing I ever heard? No, not even the top five, but that was less a testament to the stupidity of what she’d just said as much as it was a testament to all the terribly idiotic plans I’d heard in my lifetime. Most of them from her. I rubbed my forehead. “Where do I even begin unpacking that?” I asked, sitting down on the couch. “Okay, wicker basket?”
Vinyl nodded, hefting herself up and lumbering over to the couch, laying on her side, and sticking her hooves out, so I could massage them. I sighed and grabbed her back leg with my forehooves, repositioning myself so I could massage her without falling off the couch. “Yeah, he comes around wearing a giant wicker basket on his back so he can carry kids away.” Ah, wonderful, so he was a kidnapper. Exactly the type of tale we wanted to fill our daughter’s head with.
“And just why did you think scaring Racket was a good idea? Do you know what a nightmare it’s going to be getting her to calm down?” I asked, kneading her left leg.
“Probably not that bad,” Vinyl said, shrugging. “The old Krampus trick always worked on me when my parents used it. Kept me on the straight and narrow until Hearth’s Warming Day.”
“And after that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow but already knowing the answer. Vinyl just laughed.
“I mean, my parents probably appreciated the vacation while it lasted. Made the holidays a bit less stressful. But hey, it doesn’t matter, right? We do the Krampus story, and we’ll still get a couple of days of peace and quiet before Hearth’s Warming. Then, next year, we’ll have two fillies running around to make you pull your mane out,” Vinyl said before a sigh of contentment escaped her lips. My massage was to her liking, then.
“So, just to make sure I understand this properly, you’re suggesting that we tell our daughter a lie in the faint hopes of scaring her into toeing the line until Hearth’s Warming – which, I remind you, is less than three days away. Is that about right?” I asked, tilting my head at her and sighing. And somehow that didn’t sound like a completely terrible idea. Telling a lie for two days of peace and quiet?
“I mean, when you put it that way, you make it sound bad,” Vinyl said. “And it’s not, we’ll be taking part in a long tradition of lying to our children for some peace and quiet. I remember when I was a filly, my parents would always have somepony come around every year dressed in a Krampus suit to chase me around the house, scare me, and threaten to give me coal unless I promised to be a good little filly. It’s a fun little scare for Hearth’s Warming Eve.”
“Wait,” I said, stopping the massage and holding up a hoof. “Against my better judgment, I’m considering going along with your little lie, but please don’t tell me you’re planning on having someone dress up as this monster and traumatize Racket for life.”
“Okay,” Vinyl said, nodding. “I won’t tell you I’m planning on having someone dress up as Krampus. Hey, do you think Woodhoof would be game?”
I growled. “Vinyl…”
“Alright, alright, I won’t have Woodhoof dress up as Krampus. He’s probably just as stuffy as you, anyways. But… you’re really thinking about sharing the holiday spirit?”
“Vinyl, I hardly think perpetrating a lie to scare fillies counts as sharing the holiday spirit.” I sighed and moved to massage her next hoof. “But… I suppose if your parents did it to you, and you turned out well enough, there might not be any harm in us going along with it.” Getting to sleep in, enjoying a day without Racket scurrying under hoof, maybe even having a few minutes of peace and quiet where I could play my cello. “Just as long as you don’t get someone to dress up with Krampus.”
“Fine,” she said, arching her back as my hooves massaged deep into her leg. “Oh, Celestia, don’t stop. How the hay did you put up with this?”
“I would have complained, certainly, but I was far too busy dealing with your antics to worry about that. You’re quite welcome, by the way.” I said. After I was finished with this hoof, I’d have to go up and make sure Racket was alright.
“For what?” she asked, resting her head on the couch’s armrest.
“For not having a monumentally stupid mid-life crisis while you’re pregnant.” I set her foot down. “Now, I think it’s about time we go talk with our daughter and reassure her that no boogieman is going to come into her room tonight and take her away.”
“As long as she’s good,” Vinyl said, rolling ponderously on to her hooves, like a capsizing cruise ship. A beautiful capsizing cruise ship, to be sure, but still a capsizing cruise ship. “It won’t work if we tell her she’s completely safe.”
“Well, let’s just say he’ll give her coal for Hearth’s Warming. We don’t have to resort to threats of foal abduction to keep our daughter in line, do we?” I asked, trotting to the stairs.
“But it’s scarier if we do,” Vinyl said, following along behind me after a fashion. “You know, there’s nothing like a good scare before Hearth’s Warming.”
I sputtered. “But… No! Hearth’s Warming is a time for families to be together and enjoy each other’s company. It is not a time for traumatizing fillies. One Nightmare Night is bad enough.”
“Come on, but a good monster story is fun,” Vinyl said before stopping at the landing for a second. “Sure, it’s scary, but there’s not any real danger.”
“Monsters are not fun, Vinyl. They’re monsters, and as a mare who’s dealt with more than her fair share of them, believe me when I say there’s nothing amusing about them.” I said, looking back at her. Really? She was going to talk to me about monsters? I’d fought monsters, I’d acquitted myself admirably against them, I’d even emerged victorious after a fashion, but the ordeal certainly wasn’t fun.
“Okay, okay, but that Nightmare Night was a fluke. Normally monsters aren’t real. They’re just stories.” She started climbing the stairs again, and the old boards creaked. Speaking of monsters, this foal was certainly growing to be one. Was she trying to be born at the same size Racket was now?
“Hydras, manticores, Cerberus, windigoes, bugbears, cockatrices, sea serpents, timberwolves, should I go on?” I asked, rolling my eyes.
“Fine, I mean outside of the Everfree, monsters aren’t real. We’re not going to have some creature from beyond time and space break into our house in the middle of the biggest city in Equestria.,” she said.
That was… I sighed. She had a point. “Perhaps you’re right–”
“Plus, it’ll be good for her, like a horror immunization. Get her used to fake monsters, so she can deal with actual monsters,” Vinyl said. I stopped in my tracks, trying to figure out if her point was completely moronic or subtly brilliant. That was the thing with Vinyl, you could never tell.
“Fine, you convinced me,” I said, turning to trot down the hall to Racket’s room. “We’ll go with the plan, but you’re taking her to a therapist if this whole thing backfires.”
“Come on, it’ll be fine,” she said as we came to a halt outside our daughter’s room. “My parents did it to me, and I turned out great.” I chose to hold my tongue and instead knocked on Racket’s door.
“No Krampus!” she shouted. I gave Vinyl a look as I creaked the door open.
“It’s just us, Racket,” I said, spying a tiny bundle under the blankets. “You’re completely fine, Krampus isn’t coming tonight.”
“Yeah, and if you’re good until Hearth’s Warming Eve, I’m sure the big guy won’t put your name on Krampus’s list.” The little shaking ball froze. Wonderful, Vinyl, let’s at least get our daughter out from under her blankets before filling her head with stories of monsters.
“And even if he does come, he’ll have to get through me if he wants to take you away,” I said, moving to sit on the bed next to her and rest a hoof on her head. “I’m not about to let anypony hurt my baby.”
“Oh yeah,” Vinyl said, trotting up to sit on the ground next to the bed, apparently not wanting to see what would happen if the three of us tried to cram onto Racket’s little bed. “Sure, he might give you coal of Hearth’s Warming, but we’re definitely not going to let him take you away or anything. If he tries, your Tavi will probably beat the crap outta him.”
“Language, Vinyl,” I tsked.
Something giggled under the blankets. “Fun-Momma’s in trouble now.” I didn’t groan at that. Sure, Vinyl was the fun mom, the one who brought toys and played games, but she wasn’t the one who got woken up whenever Racket had a bad dream. A wonderful trade for me, I suppose.
“Hey,” Vinyl said, “Don’t say that, both your moms are fun. Now funner, that’s a different story.”
“Thank you for the support, Vinyl.” I shook my head and turned back to Racket. “But she’s right, Racket, if any monster so much as thinks of dragging you out of this house, they’ll have me to contend with.”
Something moved under the blankets, and a second later, little red hooves tried to wrap around my barrel. “And then Tough-Mom will bop their heads in, and they’ll be sorry, right?”
I smiled and stroked her dull-green mane. “That’s right, Racket, they’ll be very sorry they even thought of messing with mommy’s baby.”
“But if you’re bad, Krampus will still come and give you coal,” Vinyl chimed in. Before Racket could bolt under the covers again, I clutched her tight to my chest and glared at Vinyl. “But only if you’re bad, so… be good, for goodness sake, and you’ll get tons of presents from Santa Hooves and us.”
Racket’s ears perked up at that and she looked at her other mother. “So… be good and get presents or be bad and get coal from Krampus?” Vinyl nodded and Racket flew into the air. “I’ll be the best filly ever, I promise. I’ll follow all the rules and do everything the first time I’m asked until Santa comes.” Vinyl laughed at that and I raised an eyebrow at her.
“All the rules?” I asked. Racket stared at me in confusion for a second before dropping to the ground and clamping her wings to her side.
“Sorry, di’n’t mean to fly in the house,” she mumbled, doing her best to sound adorable. It worked, but I wasn’t about to tell her that.
“It’s fine,” I said, smiling at her. “I think Santa Hooves can forgive a few unintentional flights.” I looked at Vinyl, letting the madness of the situation take me away. “You don’t think he’ll send Krampus here because of that, right?”
“I don’t think so,” Vinyl said, sharing my grin. “But you’ll be good, right?”
“I’ll be the best filly ever!” She paused and mumbled something under her breath. I didn’t need to be clairvoyant to know it was “until Hearth’s Warming.”
“Alright then,” I said, getting to my hooves and stretching. “It’s getting late, so why don’t you brush your teeth and go to bed.”
“But I–” She paused, remembering our deal. “Right away, momma. I’ll just go brush my teeth, go to bed, and you won’t hear another word from me the entire night, because that’s what good fillies do.”
I shook my head as Vinyl trotted to the door. “You better, otherwise Krampus will hear about it, and then… COAL!”
“Noooo!” Racket screamed, ducking back under her covers before peaking her head out a second later. “Wait, what’s coal?”
Vinyl laughed as she left the room. “Hopefully, you won’t find out, kiddo.” I waited until she’d clicked the door shut and leaned down to kiss Racket’s forehead.
“It’s a rock, a dirty rock that ponies burn for heat,” I said, and Racket’s eyes lit up.
“You mean if I get coal, I can set it on fire?” Oh, wonderful, that wasn’t anywhere near the reaction I wanted. And now, I could tell her the truth or double down on Vinyl’s lie. I chose the option that might give me a few days of peace and quiet.
“Well, Racket, yes, you could choose to be bad and get coal, but if you do that, you won’t get any other presents. So ask yourself, do you want a single piece of coal or all the toys Santa Hooves is going to bring. You can’t have both,” I said. Racket just pouted and stared up at the ceiling, her desire for mischief warring with her desire for presents.
“Presents,” she finally said. I let out a sigh of relief.
“I’m glad to hear that,” I said, getting to my hooves and trotting to the bookshelf. “Now, what story should I read tonight?”
***
A few minutes later, with Racket snugly tucked into her bed, I made my way to my parents’ quarters, where they and Vinyl were busy wrapping presents. “Hey, Tavi,” Vinyl said, grinning at me as I trotted into the room. “Is the plan working or what?”
“For now,” I said, trotting over to the drum set and grabbing a roll of wrapping paper. “Although, I have to say again how wrong this whole scheme feels.”
“You still went with it,” Vinyl said, smirking as I took a seat between her and my parents. “Which I think means you can’t say a thing. You’re as deep in this as me. And besides, it’s totally harmless. My parents fed me the Krampus story every year, even got the most awesome Krampus impersonator to drop by every year, and I turned out fine. Oh! Speaking of which, are you sure you don’t want to arrange a Krampus visit for Racket?”
“Excuse me,” my mother said, lifting her head up from the guitar she was wrapping. “Could one of you please explain this Krampus nonsense for our sakes?”
“Yes, well, for some reason, Vinyl decided to try and scare our daughter into behaving by telling her stories of this Krampus creature, who goes around giving bad fillies coal for Hearth’s Warming.” I paused to unroll the wrapping paper and push the drum set on top of it. “I went along with it because… well, is it so wrong of me to want a few days of peace and quiet? Vinyl’s magic is the only thing that can keep up with Racket, and with her so…” I pointed a hoof at my bloated wife. “It feels like I’ve been chasing Racket around the house non-stop this last month. And it’s not like we’re actually going to give her coal.”
Absolutely not. I turned back to the drum set. The presents were important; we were going to expose her to every musical instrument we could think of, in the hopes that one of them would stick. I was betting on the drums, but Vinyl couldn’t shake the image of our daughter the punk rock guitarist. She’d even gotten me a book of rock songs arranged for the cello, so we could have ‘something to bond over.’
“Sounds like you two are using your heads,” my father said. “Nothing wrong with a little white lie, I think. Every parent does it from time to time.” I raised an eyebrow at him, and he stammered. “Now, now, Octavia, I’m not saying we did it right. We’ve already rehashed our mistakes enough, I’m just saying that every parent tells a few fibs to keep the house quiet.”
“Or they pass you off to the nanny,” I said, keeping my eyes on them before sighing. That wasn’t entirely fair of me. The last few years, they’d been trying their best to be good parents and grandparents. I couldn’t keep throwing their past mistakes in their face forever. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” my mother said, getting up to her hooves and trotting over to their room. “We’ve made peace with the fact we weren’t the best parents when you were growing up.”
“Is that why you’re leaving?” I asked, sighing and chastising my loose tongue.
Mother just laughed. It was still as harsh as I remembered, but at least now there were elements of actual mirth in it. Progress. “Oh, no, I’m just going to wrap our Hearth’s Warming present for Racket. It’s… we didn’t go with the trumpet like you suggested, we thought she might like something that wasn’t an instrument.”
“Any chance you’ll tell me what, exactly, it is, or are we going to be as surprised as her on Hearth’s Warming?” I asked, as Mom disappeared into her room.
“Now, Octavia, what’s the fun in getting gifts for our granddaughter if we can’t see the look of surprise in both your faces when she opens it?” Father said. I rubbed my hoof with her forehead, while he yawned. “And you know, I’m suddenly feeling tired. I think I’ll go lie down, keep your mother company, and leave you two to it.” He gestured to the pile of presents that still needed wrapping. Perhaps we’d gone a bit overboard this year. “You know, when you get to my age, your joints ache, and it’s hard to wrap all those presents up. You understand, right?” I understood he was playing up the old-stallion card to get to bed early. Amazing how spry and limber he was when it was something he wanted to do.
“Good night,” I said, waving a hoof at him and pushing the drum set aside before grabbing the next present. Next to me, Vinyl was busy using her magic to wrap her share of the presents.
“So…” Vinyl said as she wrapped the next gift. “Are you sure we can’t get a Krampus impersonator? I’d ask my parents who they got, because he was totally awesome, but even if I use priority mail, it’ll be past Hearth’s Warming before I get an answer back. Still, I bet Lyra or Bonnie would be up for putting on some goat horns and stuff.”
“We are not…” Goat horns? I paused. “Wait, what exactly does Krampus look like? It wouldn’t do if you described him as a goat creature, while I tell Racket he’s some sort of griffon.” I vaguely recalled something about a Griffon’s having a Hearth’s Warming – No, they had Yuletide, not Hearth’s Warming – monster.
“Oh, so, he’s like this really big satyr dude. I mean, his horns would probably scrape the ceiling in our Ponyville house, and the guy my parents got always wore this big black cloak with bells chained to it, and had some awesome blue glowy eyes. Always scared the heck out of me when he came to town,” Vinyl said, looking far too happy as she described the monster.
“And you want to have him traumatize our daughter why?” I asked, getting up on my hooves and reaching for the bow for the gifts.
“Look, it’s… most ponies like being scared. I know you don’t get it because of that one Nightmare Night, but I’m sure Racket’ll love it,” Vinyl said, just using her horn to float her ribbons over. Unicorns.
“That one Nightmare Night, Vinyl?” I asked, glaring at her. “You mean the one where I would’ve died many times over if Discord hadn’t done something to do away with death for the evening?”
“Yep, that one,” Vinyl said, nodding her head and effortlessly tying the bow on her package while I struggled to lay mine out properly then move Racket’s present on top of it. “And I get it, after what you went through, it’d be pretty hard to get scared again, but we lesser ponies kind of dig a good scream, you know?”
I straightened out the ribbons, making sure they were exactly perpendicular to the box and moved to tie the knot. “Perhaps you have a point, but… Racket’s just turned three a few weeks ago. I don’t think she’d handle somepony dressing up as an ancient monster very well.”
Vinyl laughed. “Uhmm… you’ve met our daughter, right? You know, the filly we’ve had to chase off the rooftops how many times now? I don’t think some guy in a suit is gonna totally shake her up. Actually, kind of surprised she got scared at all.” She shrugged. “But hey, if it gets us a few days of peace and quiet, right?”
“And when she finds out we lied to her?” I asked, finishing my bow, reaching for the next gift, and finding that in the time it took me to tie one knot, Vinyl’d managed to do all the rest. At least mine was tied up perfectly, with the bow having just the right amount of bounce to it, while Vinyl’s had all the signs of a rush job. I grinned at my victory.
“Pssh, that won’t be for at least a few more years. Let’s enjoy a good thing while we got it,” Vinyl said before yawning. “Speaking of good things, how ‘bout a hoof massage and bed?”
I smiled, getting to my hooves and trotting next to her so she could latch onto me for support as she hoisted herself off the ground. “Nothing would be so delightful, Miss Scratch. Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid with this Krampus thing.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she said, grinning as she leaned against me and I called on all my strength to keep from staggering into a wall. “I promise, this whole thing will work out great.”
I winced reflexively, her words causing the old alarm bells to ring. Still – I exhaled – we weren’t in Ponyville at the moment, and the last few years had been… mostly harmless.
Quiet contemplation filled the rest of the walk back to our room, as the fragments of years drifted through my mind. “Vinyl,” I said as she opened the door to our room, and I caught a sight of my cello case sitting in its corner. “Is this… how you imagined things working out for us? Or you?”
“Okay,” Vinyl said, raising herself up on to the bed. “Please don’t tell me you’re about to chug your own mid-life crisis potion. You know I suck at being the sensible one.”
I smiled and trotted forward, kissing her cheek. “No, you don’t, dear. If it weren’t for you in those first few months, I’m sure I’d still be a complete wreck. Everything we have is a tribute to your sensibility.” I raised an eyebrow. “Although it would be refreshing to see you exercise said good judgment a little more often.”
“Hey, the only time I like being sensible is when you absolutely need me to be. Still, I don’t want to deal with even half the crap I put you through when you were pregnant,” she said, lowering down to her side. I obliged her earlier request and sat next to her, giving her her second hoof massage of the night. I didn’t get anywhere near the amount of hoof massages when it was my turn, but then, that’s that vaunted earth-pony strength in action, I suppose.
“Just so long as you admit it, and no, I’m not planning on anything drastic, I just…” I trailed off, glancing at my cello. “Everything’s been so busy lately, between the Academy, Racket, and you, I feel like… You know, when I first came to Ponyville, I was sure I’d be a world-renowned cellist, that I’d bring its beauty to thousands of ears, and now, I’m … Well, I’m a very capable headmistress for Luna’s academies, the only mare who can keep this house in order, and fantastically lucky to have you, but none of that’s my talent, is it?”
“Hey, if you want to start doing cello gigs or whatever, that’s totally cool. I’ll be able to help around the house more in a few months–”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “Vinyl, dearest, need I remind you that you have magic?”
She blushed. “Okay, I could probably help more around the house now, but I get it. If you want to start getting out there and showing the world how awesome your stuff is, I totally support it. Just don’t go drinking an age potion on me, okay?”
“I should probably put you through some sort of hell, considering all you put me through when I was pregnant, but I suppose I’ll be the bigger mare.” I laughed. “Figuratively, of course.”
“So…” Vinyl nuzzled her pillow. “You wanna get to doing shows again? I don’t know if celloing gigs is anything like DJing, but we can work it the heck out.”
“That’s very sweet of you, Vinyl,” I said, closing my eyes as my hooves rubbed hers. “But it’s not really important. I’m content with where things are, and no, maybe nopony will ever hear me play again, but I think it’s enough that I play.”
Vinyl pulled her back hooves away from me. “You know, it has been awhile since I got a private concert with the sexiest cellist in Equestria, and I think you busting out Philharmonica and laying down a few tunes is just what I need after a long day of lugging around a foal who feels like she weighs more than Racket does.”
“You really don’t have to humor me, Vinyl,” I said laying back down on the bed and staring at the ceiling. “Like I said, it’s fine.”
“Look, it’s cool that you’re happy playing with yourself–” I glared at Vinyl for her word choice. She just laughed. “But I like watching you while you do it and hearing all the sounds you make. I mean, sometimes, when you’re in your study practicing, and I’m outside, I’ll just kind of rest my head against the door and listen for a while.” She paused and hoisted herself up to look at me like she was sharing a secret of vital importance. “Don’t go around sharing this, but sometimes, when I’m getting ready for a gig, I’ll just put on a record of classic stuff and listen to it for a while. It’s calming.”
I smiled and was about to say something when she talked over me. “So go on and play. You might be fine playing alone, but I know for a fact, you’ll be happier if you have an audience, even if it’s just me.”
“Well,” I said, hopping off the bed and trotting to the cello case. “I suppose it isn’t Carneighgie Hall, but who am I to turn down an eager audience?” I paused as I balanced on my hind legs and drew my bow in one smooth motion. “And thank you, Vinyl.”
She raised herself up onto her pile of pillows and rolled over to face me. “No problem. And hey, if you want to do another concert tomorrow night or the night after that, I wouldn’t mind. Heck, I bet if we use the threat of Krampus right, we could double your audience.”
I laughed at that as I launched into my concerto. Well, if it got Racket to appreciate – or at least listen to – the classics, I certainly wouldn’t complain. But such things could wait until closer to Hearth’s Warming. At the moment, I had a piece to perform.
***
The next few days were bliss. Yes, they were bliss predicated on the lie that a monster would come and give my daughter coal if she misbehaved, but as a parent, you eventually have to learn to enjoy the lulls. Hearth’s Warming was coming all too quickly, and with it, the return of madness. I smiled at the dinner table Woodhoof and I had spent all day preparing. “You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Woodhoof,” I said before looking at my daughter standing oh-so obediently at my side. “And did you finish setting the table?”
She nodded. “Uh-huh.” Her stomach rumbled. “Do you think momma will be back soon? Or would it be naughty if I started eating all the food now?”
“It would be,” I said, nodding my head. She took a step away from the steaming hot dishes. “And hopefully, Vinyl will be back any moment. She should have been back with Lyra and Bon-Bon hours ago.” I glanced out at the few flakes of snow I could see falling before the dark obscured them. That was the first snow of the season, right on schedule, and probably delaying the trains all to Tartarus. I frowned. Why did she go at all? The two of them knew the way.
“Do you think Krampus got ‘em?” Racket asked, looking up at me. “Momma gets into trouble with you a lot, do you think…”
I laughed. “No, she’s fine. Just running late,” I said, shaking my head and ignoring my creeping suspicion. Before such thoughts could progress much further, bells chimed as the door in the foyer opened, and a minute later, my wife came into view.
“Hey,” she said, grinning. “So… Lyra and Bon Bon’s train is super delayed. They probably won’t be here for a few more hours, so I thought I might as well come over and have something to tide me over.” She glanced at Racket. “You been good, kiddo?”
She nodded and looked at me. “Best, right, Mom?”
“The very best,” I said, smiling down at my daughter. “I dare say, you won’t have to worry about Krampus this year, right?” I looked at Vinyl for confirmation.
“Well, the last few days, sure, but Krampus’s been keeping his list all year. He’ll probably still make an appearance, although I don’t think he’ll actually do anything. Also, he’s kind of this big supernatural thing, so he might sound a bit more… feminine than the average stallion.”
My look turned into a glare. “Vinyl, what did you promise?” I asked, taking a step forward as the bells chimed again. We had a visitor, and I’d wager all my bits on who it was.
“That I wouldn’t do anything stupid,” she said, rubbing the back of her head. “But this totally isn’t stupid.”
“What’s happening?” Racket asked. “Why isn’t momma doing anything stupid?” She ducked and hid behind my legs. “She didn’t make Krampus come, did she? I’ve been good. Krampus shouldn’t come.”
“Oh, no,” I said as the bells chimed again. “I think your mother will be getting a Krampus visit any second now..”
“Yeah,” Vinyl said, nodding her head. “I was super bad, so… just watch what happens to me, and if you’re bad next year, well, he’ll be coming for you next.”
I gave her a nod as hoofsteps approached, and a mare did her best to sound like a stallion. “Ooooohhhooohh! I’m the Spirit of Krampus, coming to give all the bad little fillies their coal.” I sighed, recognizing the speaker as Lyra. Of course, she’d agree to whatever insane plan Vinyl cooked up. Bon-Bon was probably waiting outside waiting for some signal.
Racket snuck out from behind me and whispered in my ear. “Krampus doesn’t sound super scary.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head as ‘Krampus’ came into view, and he looked remarkably like a unicorn mare with her coat dyed black, wearing a black cloak, with some cheap prosthetic goat horns, and two limp little arms attached. I sighed. “Not scary at all.”
“Krampus?” Racket asked taking a step forward, staring at ‘him,’ while I stared at Vinyl and trotted up to whisper in her ear.
“I don’t know what’s more insulting, that you broke your promise or that you thought this pathetic charade would scare our daughter.” I looked at where our daughter was staring Krampus down, before there was a giggle and a burst of energy as Racket launched herself up, grabbed the fake horns, and pulled. Something ripped, and a second later, our daughter was flying around the dining room waving her trophies around.
“I got you, Aunt Lyra,” she said, rolling around in the air and looking at us and tossing the horns over. “You can’t fool me, Mommies.”
“Racket, get down right this instant, you know the rule about flying in the house,” I said, stepping forward as Vinyl grabbed the horns with her magic.
“What’re you gonna do if I don’t?” Racket asked, laughing. “No Krampus.”
“Well… Santa Hooves won’t give you your presents,” I said, searching for another excuse before settling on the traditional punishment. “If you don’t want to spend all of Hearth’s Warming locked up in your room with all your toys removed, I’d come down right now.”
“Don’t believe you,” she said, laughing and doing another flip in the air. “Mommies say don’t lie, because lying’s bad, but now Mommies are bad and lied too.” There was another giggle. “Can’t trust a word you say.”
“I shall prepare the time-out room,” Woodhoof said, trotting to the exit.
“Oh yeah, and I should probably tell Bonnie she can come in,” Lyra said, dispelling the illusions on her and returning to her normal mint-green self. She looked at Vinyl. “I’m pretty sure if we put more effort in making the hands look good, it would’ve worked.”
I groaned. “Vinyl, can you please grab your daughter for me?”
“You know, could you stop calling her my daughter when she gets like this?” Vinyl asked, rolling her eyes. “She gets the stubbornness from you.”
“And she gets her troublesomeness from you,” I said. “Yes, I can be single-minded at times, but I’m not disruptive.”
“Sure,” she said, putting the horns down and drawing more magic to her horn. “But I knew when to back down. I mean, I’d get into trouble, but I wasn’t this bad. I’d just do cool stuff like break curfew and play my music too loud. And sneak out. And drink. I did that a lot, actually.” She shook her head. “My point is, I didn’t go out of my way to make my parents’ lives difficult. I was just cool and did what I wanted.”
“Fine, she gets the worst from both of us, now will you please grab her?” I said as Racket grabbed the chandelier and started spinning wildly.
In response, a light blue aura surrounded our daughter and immobilized her. For a second. She squirmed and kicked and beat her wings and struggled to stay airborne as Vinyl reeled her in, beads of sweat forming down her brow. “Tavi, you know I’m not supposed to…” Supposed to use her magic too intensively. Too much and the foal might suffer.
“Racket, come down this instant!” I yelled, getting up on the table and doing my best to avoid the dishes. If Vinyl could just hold her, I could probably jump and drag her down.
“No!” she shouted, inches away from my hooves. “I’ve been good for two whole days, but now I gotta move!” She twisted around in her other mother’s magical grip and looked at Vinyl. “Let me go, so I can fly. My wings needa stretch.”
I grimaced and looked at my wife before leaping up and wrapping my arms around my daughter. “You know, Vinyl,” I said as she lowered us down to the ground. “I’m going to go out on a limb and say that lying to our daughter was a mistake.” As soon as the words left my lips, the bells chimed and the door thudded open, a gust of frigid north air blowing into the room while the lights sputtered and dimmed. A voice boomed above the gale.
”HO.”
A thud shook the room followed by the jingling of bells as I looked to my wife and Racket ducked back behind me. “Vinyl, is there any chance you…” She shook her head as the next thud came.
”HO.”
“About what I thought,” I said. Of course. Of course, in a world of hydras and chaos spirits and immortal beings that raised the sun… Why had Krampus struck me as so implausible? Stranger things had happened to me. I trotted to the fireplace and bit the poker’s handle. “Ew two, git b’hind me. I’ll ‘andle this.”
”HO.”
“Tavi–” Vinyl started before I cut her off and spat the poker on to the table.
“I don’t want to hear it, Vinyl,” I said, ignoring the taste of cast iron in my mouth. “I’ve fought monsters before, and I don’t think Hearth’s Warming monsters are all that different from Nightmare Night monsters.”
“Yeah, but the last time you fought monsters, you kind of died. I mean, you died a bunch,” Vinyl said from behind me. I saw Racket’s eyes light up and caught the faintest snippet of a whisper about how cool I was.
The thuds drew closer as the voice boomed again, sounding like boulders rumbling down a mountain. “Naughty fillies and mares, do take care, lest you find your name on my list.”
I locked my knees to keep them from shaking and turned look at Vinyl and my daughter, giving them a grin that I hoped radiated confidence. “Well then, let’s just hope death likes to take Hearth’s Warming off.” I picked up the poker and turned to the entrance of the room as the thing appeared. He was easily three heads taller than me, and his horns stretched up so much, he had to bend low just to enter the room. He was wrapped in a black cloak decorated with bells, and his taloned hands held a very long list.
“Red Racket,” he said, tapping out a point in the list. “For your willful disobedience and flippant breaking of house rules, I pronounce you Naughty. Vinyl Scratch, to read your transgressions would take the whole of the night, so I pronounce you… Very Naughty.” He looked up at me, the effect of an already long face enhanced by a beard that almost reached the ground, and his two glowing blue eyes met mine. “Stay your hoof, Octavia Melody, I bring no harm upon your house. I’m merely here to deliver the customary gifts and renew the pact. I have nothing but the utmost admiration for you and yours.”
“You know me?” I asked, tilting my head and taking a step back and putting the poker down.
“Indeed,” he said, gliding past me and moving to Racket. “My holiday job requires a familiarity with every being in Equestria.” He bent low to look a shaking Racket in the eye. “Do you fear me, filly?” A tiny nod. “But you do not run. Your courage does you credit. You know what happens next?”
“You’re gonna drag me down to your underground lair and eat me,” she squeaked, I growled while he just laughed, shaking the windows.
“There are very few ponies living or deceased who were naughty enough to merit that punishment.” He reached into his sack and pulled out a lump of coal and rested it in front of Racket. “Now, let us reach our accord. If I come next year, I’ll do more than leave coal, I”ll take your presents. You don’t wish that, correct?”
Racket nodded. “So… how good do I gotta be to not have my presents taken away? Mommas don’t like it when I run around and fly, but I gotta run around and fly.”
A hand of his rested on the table and drummed. “An understandable position.” He looked at the two of us. “Your house here has amenities on the roof, correct?”
“Uh… yeah,” Vinyl said. “I mean, I think it’s got a tennis court and some other stuff up there. Been a while since I’ve been up, though. There might even be a pool, I don’t know, though.”
“Excellent.” He turned back to Racket. “Now, if your parents allow you time to run and fly outside, can you promise not to in the house?”
Well, we were going to get her instruments to serve as an outlet for her creative energies, but…
“And I want them to play with me too. Not with boring games or toys, but running and jumping with me,” Racket said. “Running isn’t as fun if you don’t have someone chasing you.” I winced. It was bad enough chasing her around the house trying to stop her, now we’d be doing that for hours? Well, at least it would get me in shape, and once we had our second daughter, it would help Vinyl burn off the extra pounds.
“And in exchange, you’ll let your parents rest in the house? Obey all reasonable orders? You will be… nice?”
“Uhmm… mostly? Can I still get in a little trouble?” Racket asked. Vinyl laughed. Krampus turned to look at my wife.
“Considering your lineage, I would expect nothing less,” he said, standing back up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me–”
Racket tugged at his cloak. “Uhmm… Krampus, I kinda didn’t get you anything for Hearth’s Warming, is that okay?”
“I’ve been doing this job for a very long time, and in that time, have never gotten a single gift. It is not… a customary exchange. Just follow the accord we’ve struck. That’s gift enough,” he said, looking down at her.”
“Wait,” Racket said, flapping up in the air before immediately settling back down. “Sorry, Mom.” She looked from me to Krampus. “You mean you’ve never gotten a single Hearth’s Warming gift?”
“It is not traditional,” he said, shaking his head and turning to Vinyl. “Now, Miss Scratch–”
“Mommas, can I please make Krampus a Hearth’s Warming card real fast?” Racket looked from us to him. “I promise I’ll be real fast, since you’re probably busy tonight.”
I sputtered. Daughter. Hearth’s Warming Cards. Krampus. That was… That was… Kind? Perhaps. Sensible? Definitely not. When monstrous beings showed up on your doorstep, you didn’t offer them cookies. Then again, Krampus didn’t seem particularly monstrous beyond his appearance. “Yes, that’s fine,” I finally said before looking to Krampus. “Assuming you don’t have anywhere else to be, of course.”
He laughed. “Oh, no, I have time.” He pointed a finger at a clock which had stopped ticking. “I always have time to make my visits exactly as long as need be.” He turned to Racket. “I’d be delighted to receive your gift.”
Instead of saying anything, she just scampered off, disappearing from the room in slightly less than the blink of an eye, leaving Vinyl and I to entertain our guest. “So, you’re the real Kampus?” Vinyl asked.
“If I’m not, I’m a very good impersonator,” he said, staring at her. Vinyl just fidgeted.
“And you’re the same Krampus that…” Vinyl trailed off.
“That gave you coal every Hearth’s Warming when you were growing up. Do you take some sort of pleasure in being on the naughty list?”
“You know it,” Vinyl said, grinning. “What’s the point in living if you don’t have fun with it.”
“I like to think I have fun, and I don’t need to get coal to do it,” I mumbled.
Krampus gave a low grumble that did a passing imitation of laughter. “Now, Vinyl, time for your gift.” He grabbed the bag and emptied out the largest chunk of coal I’d ever seen onto the freshly-cleaned floor. It was easily as big as Vinyl and I combined, and soot now covered everything within twenty hooves of us. I glared at Krampus. “Have the naughty one clean it,” he said, gesturing to Vinyl. “It is appropriate recompense.”
“You know, we were going to have an absolutely delightful Hearth’s Warming Eve dinner here, and now there’s… soot on the food,” I said, keeping my look trained on the offending satyr. “If you have the magic to stop time, you should be able to clean a dining room.”
“Very well,” he grumbled before waving a hand and sending all the soot and dirt up the fireplace and out the chimney. He looked to Vinyl. “You should appreciate your wife.”
Vinyl grinned and kissed my cheek. “Every day.”
“So,” I said, tilting my head and thinking about gifts under a tree. “Can I ask a question?”
“He’s real,” Krampus said, nodding his head. “That’s what you were going to ask, right? About Santa Hooves. Everypony does.” He looked at Vinyl. “Except for your wife, who marches to the beat of a very different drummer.”
“Yes, but…” I frowned. “How come he never leaves gifts under the tree. Not that I’m complaining, I don’t wish to sound like a petulant child, I just… It’s strange. You’re here, you’re giving coal, but where’s he? Where are his gifts?”
He scanned the room, looking for something but not finding it. “Under your tree, I presume. Or they will be tomorrow.”
“But we purchased those gifts, No jolly fat reindeer put them there,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s not like those movies where mysterious gifts are left under the tree sometime in the night.”
Krampus laughed. “No, I hope not. That would cheapen him, I think. Actually going around to every house and leaving little gifts under the tree. He’s real though, and I can point you right to him.” He extended a long finger and tapped me right in the chest. “There.” He moved to tap Vinyl. “And there.”
“So… you’re saying we’re all Santa Hooves?” I asked, working to follow him. No, that wasn’t right. He was saying Santa Hooves lived in us, so… what? He was in our hearts?
“Not quite, but that warmth that burns in your heart during the season, driving you to be better, encouraging you to give? That’s him. The fire in your hearth you all huddle around? You can find him there, too,” Krampus said, nodding. “That’s Santa Hooves. The flame in your hearts and hearths, keeping you warm in the cold.” He picked up the poker I’d left on the table and returned it to its place next to the fire. “I just wield this.”
“Mom! Mom! I’m done,” Racket yelled, running into the room before catching herself and slowing to a brisk walk, card tucked under one wing. “I finished!” She stopped and bit the card, pulling it free and looking to Krampus. “‘ere.”
He grabbed it with two fingers, the big fat one and the one next to it – I’d have to ask Lyra for their proper names – and pulled. “Thank you,” he said, bowing his head. “If that’s all, I must be off. The Griffon Kingdom has brought my legend back into vogue in recent years, and they need every reminder they can get to celebrate the season.” He paused and looked back at me. “And it’s a pleasure to meet you formally, Octavia. I’ve been an admirer for some time.”
“Wait,” Vinyl said, moving to step between the two of us. “You’re not stalking her or whatever, right? Because, I mean, that’s not cool.”
“Oh, nothing like that, Miss Scratch. We simply attended a party together some years ago on a rare night off, and I was impressed by her fortitude. There are few ponies who will face death again and again.” He paused. “Such fortitude is rare, I find, and I value it wherever it appears.”
Nightmare Night. He was at the Nightmare Night party where… “I don’t recall anyone looking like you, there,” I said, my throat suddenly dry.
“Of course not, I only have this look for Hearth’s Warming. The rest of the year, it’s a different form for a different job,” Krampus said, lumbering towards the exit as a pair of shadowy black wings burst from his cloak. “For the griffons. I have wings in their legends.”
“And can you tell us what you do the rest of the year?” I asked, a suspicion forming in my mind.
“One day,” he rumbled. “Now, remember to follow the accord you agreed to, or I’ll be back next year with less holiday cheer.”
“Mommas, could he come back next year even if I’m good? I need to give him another Hearth’s Warming card,” Racket said, looking up at Vinyl with the big pleading eyes Vinyl was powerless against. For once, I cracked first.
“That’s fine,” I said, sighing. Yes, we could have a supernatural being visit every Hearth’s Warming, because why not? Although, he was generally agreeable as such beings go, and it probably would be nice for him to have a place where he had a warm welcome. I waved a hoof at his retreating form. “I suppose we’ll see you next year, then. Happy Hearth’s Warming, Krampus.”
“A Happy Hearth’s Warming to you and your household as well,” Krampus said, exiting the dining room and fading to shadow. “The pact is struck. I will return next year. Hopefully, I will not have to take away your gifts. Until next Hearth’s Warming.” The windows banged, letting falling snow and froze air in as the lights sputtered and almost went out.
“Well, he certainly knows how to make an exit,” I said, looking at Vinyl.
“Krampus is so cool,” Racket said, bouncing on her hooves and threatening to flap her wings. “Gotta get him the best gift ever next year.”
“Hi,” Bon-Bon said, trotting into the dining room. “Sorry it took so long, but…” She froze as she saw the giant lump of coal sitting next to the dining table. “Where did you get that?”
I sighed and pinched my muzzle as Racket bounced into the air. “Krampus!” she said, bouncing circles around our guests. “Not Lyra-Krampus, but Krampus-Krampus. He’s really nice.”
Bon-Bon and Lyra looked at me for explanation. I just nodded.
“So,” Vinyl said, grinning. “We got a great story to tell, but can we tell it over dinner? I’m kind of starved after spending all day trying to set up that Krampus costume.”
“Lame costume,” Racket said, giggling. “Didn’t fool me.”
“Yeah, the real Krampus looked way cooler, didn’t he?” Vinyl said, taking her seat at the table. “And dinner looks great, Tavi.” She took a sniff. “And still hot, too. Awesome.”
“Really, most of the credit should go to Woodhoof,” I said, nodding as the stallion trotted back into the room.
“The timeout room is–” He stopped and looked at us. “I take it everything’s resolved, now?”
“It is,” I said, gesturing for him to sit. “I’ll just go fetch Mother and Father, and then… well, I suppose we’ll have a story to tell.”
***
Eight ponies gathered around the fireplace the next morning, trading gifts. “Awesome, the B-20X mixboard,” Vinyl said before sealing her lips against mine. I counted my blessings that she didn’t try anything immodest in front of our family and friends. “It’s just what I wanted.”
“I’m glad you liked it,” I said, nuzzling her neck. “I’m still not sure why it’s better than your old mixboard, but as long as you like it…”
“DJing’s not like cello playing, Tavi,” Vinyl said. “For you, old is better ‘cause your music’s old so your instruments should be too.” I glared. That was not true. I had the best cello in Equestria, and it was less than ten years old. “For me, I gotta play new music, and I gotta play it on the best equipment. And best usually means newest.”
“Oh, great, another music thing,” Racket said, looking at the keyboard she’d just unwrapped. “Thanks, mommas.” She gave it a push and sent it to rest with our other still-boxed presents to her. Something told me she didn’t think they were that great. I shivered and scooted closer to the fireplace, now burning a chunk of coal from last night. It seemed only appropriate.
“Oh, Octavia, dear,” my mother said, pulling a gift from the tree. “Is it okay if she opens our gift next? We know you wanted us to get her another instrument, but this was just perfect for her.”
“That’s fine,” I said, smiling at her while Racket latched onto the present.
“Not a music thing!” she said as she landed, ripping through the wrapping.
“Something tells me she wouldn’t have appreciated the trumpet much, anyways.” Although with our luck, that would be the instrument she was destined to play. It certainly made enough–
“Awesome!” Racket yelled, tossing the last of the wrapping paper away and showing us a box with an image of… Oh no. It was red. Red. Red. Red. Red mesh, red rim, the only thing that wasn’t red was the handle, which was a black grip. By the time I processed what I was seeing, Racket’d already torn the box open and was taking a few practice swings.
I laughed, recalling her name dream, the great and terrible racket caused by a deluge of sport-equipment-things. Tennis balls. I’d completely misinterpreted the name dream, thought she’d be a musician like her mothers, and named her after the musical cacophony in my dream. I was completely wrong, but in some terrible twist, I’d gotten the name right. She swished her namesake, and I laughed harder, thinking of all the bits we’d just wasted and earning looks from everyone but her. She wasn’t going to be a musician.
She was an athlete.
How the hell were we going to raise an athlete?
