But I don't wanna eat horse food!

by blargg

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 3938

A gourmet of the finest junk food ends up stuck in the land of hay, oats, and salads

Teddy is a very unusual fellow, he loves junk food, more than anything. He eats regularly at McDs 3 times a week, and the rest is pizza. Doesn't exercise, just spends his days lounging about thinking of how the things in the world might be put together - ironically he is a tall lanky man

Will he accidentally doom Equestria while satisfying his pallet? Well… doom is a strong word…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-06 08:02:03 UTC

HEY! I was gonna eat that...

HEY! I was gonna eat that...

The smell of delicious deep fried food filled the air as our hero Teddy stepped into the McDonalds for one of his regular visits.  He knew all of the staff, the owner, and the managers;  this was reasonable considering he ate there at least three times a week, which was not so reasonable from a reasonable person's point of view. (how often can I reasonably fit the word reasonable here before it becomes unreasonable?)

Teddy cared not for things that seemed so trivial, he could afford it and he liked it, and that is all that mattered

He placed his order with one of the newer cashiers that he hadn't gotten to know so well, he wanted some fries and some chicken nuggets today.

Sadly he would never get to taste such perfection; for as he was reaching to claim his prize, in that moment he was no longer in the restaurant.  Sudden displacements can have a number of effects on an individual ranging from disbelief to absolute terror... Teddy's was... well... "Couldn't take my lunch with me could you?!  I was gonna eat that!  I EVEN PAID!" as he shook his fist to the sky, well ceiling... tall white ceiling with gold trim here and there with purple drapes.

"...where am I?"

Looking around he realized he was in a large hall with a red carpet running down the center from a massive door.  On each side of the door there stood a small white horse wearing some kind of armor, with its mouth hanging open.  On the other end of the room was what was clearly a throne that also had a small white horse on each side in similar garb and facial expression, but the important part was that there was a massive one with funky hair... and a horn... and wings...

"Ahem, I think we aren't in Kansas any more Toto... Alright, let's be on our way" Teddy began to literally skip towards the door, ignoring the guards waiting there while he sang "We're off to see the wizard!  The wonderful wizard of Oz!"

Surprisingly enough, he did make it out the door, the guards were too shocked by not only by the unknown creature's sudden arrival, but the unusual behavior.

Sadly he did not make it much farther, he was suddenly bathed in light before he slowly floated back into the throne room, towards the room's namesake.  Mind you he did not go without a fight, he found he could still use his limbs and tried to run with all his might through the air "Oh yes, the yellow brick road does need yellow color to it, now time to run down it."  For all his flailing, he accomplished nothing beyond exhausting himself.

*pant* "Al-" *gasp* "right... what do" *pant* "want?" was all he could manage as he was gently set down in front of the throne

There was a soft chuckle before the massive unicorn-pegasus thing with the big hair turned to her guards and spoke "I think it would be wise to end court early for the day, you are dismissed"

"But your highness!  We cannot simply leave you alone with this unknown creature"

"I'm sure I will be fine, it is the one who tried to escape just now, now go enjoy the rest of the day"

With that the guards saluted and left the room, leaving a very confused Teddy all alone with the unicorn-pegasus

They both began "You speak English?" "You speak Equestrian?"

The talk

There was a needlessly long silence that followed a very simple question, both parties were puzzling the meaning behind it - well both questions really, but that's semantics.

Celestia waited for a good minute before she concluded that the new comer was not going to respond first

"Am I correct to assume that the language I am speaking is similar to this 'English' you speak of?  Which sounds strikingly similar to the Equestrian I am speaking?"

"um... I think so?" was Teddy's response, not elegant, nor confident, but most certainly enlightening

"Well that will simplify things, wouldn't want you to think I was going to eat you now would I?  Though I'm sure a taste wouldn't hurt"

"Yes, and what was that last part?  I didn't quite catch that, something about wooden dirt?  There may be a few differences it seems, because we have a word for that, 'sawdust.'"

Celestia turned a slight shade red, "Errr, um... yes, so it would seem.  Moving on, what do you call yourself and how did you come to appear before me in such a manner?"

"My name is Theodore, but everyone calls me Teddy, or Ted.  As for how I got here, I was hoping you could tell me, or at least get my lunch back"

Celestia gave a soft laugh, "You certainly are an unusual one.  Being completely uprooted from where you were, thrown infront of the Sun Princess of Equestria, and all you can think of is getting your lunch back" She gave her head a light shake with her eyes closed "What are we going to do with you"

"Well I was hoping you could feed me, though I doubt that will work"

At that Celestia cocked her head to the side "Why do you think that?  I can have the kitchen make you anything you desire"

He idly kicked at the floor a bit while looking anywhere but at the princess "Well, you see.... you are kinda... a horse, and I don't eat grass or hay or oats, and I don't like carrots"

"Pony actually, may I see your teeth?"

"My teeth?  What for?  I just had a dental appointment last Tuesday and they said I'm fine"

"Well my guest, you can learn a lot about a species from their teeth, now open up and say 'ahhh.'  Don't worry, I can see from here"

"Fine, but so you know, where I'm from this is considered rude with a capital R.  Ahhh"

Hmmm, as I thought, sharp teeth... wait there's some flats as well, so he must be an omnivore.... I do hope he doesn't actually need meat in his diet, this could get messy

"So you eat both plants and animals, is this correct?"

"Well, sorta... not really, but kinda, yes?"  Was his reply

"How can that be only partly true?"

"Well you see, I eat mostly highly processed foods... some of which contains small amounts of meat, others derived from plants but few would ever call them such.  Stuff like pizza, french fries, chicken nuggets, doughnuts, potato chips, tortilla chips, cake, hot dogs" Celestia turned a little green at the mention of chicken and dog

"Of those I have only heard of doughnuts and cake, and I should hope that you will refrain from chicken and dog for the time being"

*grumble* "Fine... but my health will start to deteriorate slowly.  I can slow it if you have peanut butter, but that will only go so far" said a displeased looking Teddy before perking up "But, it's not like I can prepare that kind of food the way I like anyway.  Now about that cake...."

Celestia gave another light laugh "You really are something else aren't you?  Alright we shall have cake, I will make sure there is no hay"

"Do... do you know what chocolate is?  I like that kind best, without frosting, I find it icky and takes away from the cake itself"

With a smile Celestia rang a little bell before a short tan pony with a mustache and a chefs hat came in from a side door "Afternoon cake squad leader standing by, what is your order?"

"Let's see, today I am feeling angel food with hay bits on top.  And as for our friend here, he would like plain chocolate cake with specifically no frosting or hay."  She finished with a gesture towards Teddy, to which the smaller pony did a double take.

"W-will that be all your majesty?"

"Yes, that will be fine, thank you Cake Baker"

With a small bow the baker left the room, leaving the two alone again.

Silence reigned for a good ten minutes before Teddy decided to ask a question

"How did you, earlier when I was trying to leave, how did you stop me?  You didn't even touch me"

The princess cocked an eyebrow at him like he had sprouted another head before realizing something "You, I think we can now confirm now, aren't from this world are you?" to that Teddy nodded, "In this world, every pony has magic.  Though it manifests differently depending on the type of pony"

"Right, so everyone here has magical powers, got it, don't piss anyone off"

"So your world does not have magic?" To this Teddy nodded "Well this whole world should be a brand new experience for you, but if you feel homesick or a need for the familiar, we will try to accommodate your needs.  Within reason of course"

"I suppose chicken is out of the question isn't it?"

"It is best not to get one's hopes up" I need to stop thinking of a certain orange filly

"Darn... well I am sure to have plenty of questions about things that you may or may not have in this world.  With enough thought I may be able to build some of the things I desire, or a cheap imitation at least."

While they waited the Princess watched as Teddy adopted a peculiar posture, he placed one of his paws under his muzzle and used the other to support the mid-section of the first.  And then he began to wander back and forth muttering, pausing every so often before he continued the process.  He did this until the cakes arrived.

Teddy was pleased with the cake, it was delicious.  A definite 9/10, because there is always room for improvement.

After he was finished gorging himself on cake, using his deceptively dexterous paws, Celestia continued to sit in silence and watch Teddy while she continued to finish her cake, a portion of comparable size to the one he ate.  He began again walking around on his two legs, but this time there was a less obvious method to his movement.  His movements showed a much larger range of balance than she had predicted the bi-pedal creature.  He was planting one leg and then making a wide sweeping motion with the other, then planting that leg and repeating it with the leg that was originally planted.  He continued doing this all around the room, to the Princess it was mesmerizing.

He eventually noticed that he was being watched, and with big toothy grin he switched to skipping around with very pronounced hops.  Then suddenly stopped infront of her again "Enjoying the show are we?"

"How are you moving in such a way that you aren't exhausted as you were when you tried to run away with what looked like a more natural motion?"

"Simple, I'm not trying to go fast.  And as for the spinning motion I was doing earlier, it's... sort of a controlled fall that I use my foot as a pivot to add a spin"

"I see, I never would have imagined a two-legged creature such as yourself to be capable of such feats of balance"

"Oh please, what I can do is nothing compared to some other humans, especially short people"

Now Celestia was curious "So your species is a human is it?  Pray tell what height has to do with balance in your species, and where yours stands by comparison"

"Right, forgot to mention that part.  Well, lower center of gravity makes it easier to balance, very logical.  Now the kicker is how flexible their backs are.  Simply put, same number of bones over a smaller distance, meaning smaller closer together bones, making for a more flexible spine.  As for my own height, I am among the taller as well as more slender" Then he completely changed the subject for no reason "Anyway, is there more food?  And is there a place that I can take a nap?  I was wondering if you have cookies, chocolate chips please!"

Taken aback by the sudden change in topic, Celestia paused for a moment before laughing again "Yes, yes we do, and I will have a room prepared for you in the meantime"  She rang a different bell from before and two ponies with horns came in from the same door that the cake pony did.  She addressed them in turn "Could you make up the guest room we use for our larger visitors?  And would you fetch us a platter of chocolate chip cookies?"

With that they both bowed and left to complete their duties

"Being a Princess does have it's benefits at times" she admitted with a smile "If there is anything that you require, feel free to ask the pony that will be outside your door"

"Fine fine, now I just thought of a question for you."

"Oh?  And what might that be?"

"Doughnuts, how are they made?"

"What do you mean?"

"How are they prepared from ingredients to edible treat"

"That secret is one that Donut Joe keeps to himself, even my best chefs can't seem to reproduce his marvelous procedure"

"hmmm, I wonder..."

"What is it?"

"Would you mind if I explored your kitchen?  With a guide to ask questions as well"

"I... suppose that could be arranged"

Just then the cookies arrived, two dozen, no more words were spoken as the two gorged themselves until the plate was empty.  Just in time too, the pony that was sent to prepare the room returned to report that he had completed his task.

"Now about that nap, where to my good sir?"

The horned pony paused a moment after finally taking notice of his charge, that stood a half Macintosh above his head, responded "If you would follow me, I will show you to your quarters"

Teddy followed his guide out of the room and noticed there was a theme to the decor, sun and moon, rather sun or moon.  They arrived at a large door that sat across the hall from a large set of double doors that had a moon across the front.

The bed was... nice looking.  There was a basket with a few flowers and what looked like long stalks of wheat poking out. "You know, I never liked gift baskets, to bed with me.  For tomorrow I uncover the answers to some important questions"

Human cooking

The sky was dark when Teddy awoke from his 3 hour nap.  After getting some water from the bathroom sink, and relieving one's bladder.  He slowly opened the door and poked his head out into the hall way, he saw the backs of two guards outside his door, as well as the pony that guided him there to begin with

he lightly coughed "Excuse me, I was wondering if one of you could show me around the kitchen?  There are some things I need to know that it might answer"

The guard ponies looked a bit bewildered by his appearance and his unusual request while the guide simply answered "I am afraid I cannot do that at this time, you see they are currently preparing breakfast for Princess Luna.  Worry not, she is aware of your presence"

".....Fine... I'll wait, but why is Princess Luna having breakfast now?  I thought I was the only one who didn't care what time of day I had which meal"

"Because she is the Princess of the Night, she watches over the kingdom while it sleeps"

"Ah, so she got stuck with guard duty, I bet these guys can relate"

At that the guards stumbled in maintaining their posture for a brief moment while the servant simply looked at Teddy in shock.  After he recovered he scolded him "You would do well to mind your tongue when speaking of the Princesses"  To this Teddy rolled his eyes

"Look, I don't know Luna, and the other one seems really nice, but remember that they are not my Princesses.  Anyway," he paused as he stretched his arms up, making several popping sounds while he yawned "when will the kitchen be free?"

"Regardless you must treat them with the utmost respect!  And it should be free in twenty minutes or so"

"Great, in the meantime I'll go say 'hi' to Luna, don't worry I think I remember the way" with that he began walking away

"Wait!!!  You can't just barge in on the Princess in the middle of breakfast!" said the servant as he trotted to keep up with the long strides of the human

Stopping he looked down "Oh?  Why not?  I appeared out of thin air in the middle of whatever Celestia was doing without so much as knocking, how could this be worse?"  Still need to ask about that part

"Well, for starters that was at the end of her royal duties, whereas this is the beginning of her sister's"

"Bah, fine I'll just wait"

And so he waited, and waited "I'm bored!  How long has it been?"

"Five minutes"

"FIVE MINUTES?!  It feels like it's been five hours!"

"Kidding, it is time, I will show you to the kitchen now"

The kitchen was about what he expected, he was looking for a few things in particular however, he came to a stove top that appeared to be electric, but he had to be certain.

"What does this machine use as a source of power?"

At that question the servant gave him a curious look that said "You wanted to come here so badly to ask such a simple question?" "Magic of course, what else could it be?"

"So you are saying that I can't use this because I don't have magic?"

"Hm?  Oh no no no, it is enchanted, there is a large gemstone that sends power into the coils here, that causes them to heat up"

"Interesting... where are the ingredients used for cooking?  I need to do a quick check for what I need"

Another confused look from the servant before he pointed towards a closet with a refrigerator next to it

"Let's see... fridge first, eggs? Nice.  Butter?  Awesome.  Milk?  Obviously" He then moved over to the closet "Alright, the fridge looks good now for the other part.  Flour, sugar, salt, baking powder, and where is it.... YES vegetable oil!  Oooo potatoes, now that gives me an idea for later."  With that he turned around to a very perplexed horn pony "Thank you sir, now am I allowed to use the kitchen?"

This made the servant nervous "Err... well... I suppose you are... but are you sure that is a good idea?"

"Oh yes, and if it works, I think you are going to love this, but first let me see if I can find a pot, a potato peeler, a sharp knife, and a strainer"

"I shall procure the items for you" The kitchen staff is not going to be happy with me

"Excellent!" he said as he grabbed the whole container of oil and several large potatos

For some time now there was another observing the scene with great curiosity

"Here are the items you requested, but I must ask if you would be so kind as to inform me of what you are making?  Potatoes and vegetable oil seems like an awful idea"

"Thank you sir, and if I told you it would ruin the surprise!" with that set about peeling his potatoes.  When he finished he began slicing them into thin straw-like pieces and placing them on a paper towel, there easily a hundred of them.  Then to further confuse his observers he took another paper towel and started to dry them before placing them in the refrigerator.  "Alright, that part is done, while I wait for those to cool down I should begin the next part, and clean up this mess"

"What are you even... what are you preparing?"

"I told you already, it's a surprise!  Though these won't be as good as the ones back home, I have high hopes, don't worry I'm making enough to share.  Now do me a favor and put that burner on for whatever temperature is used to cook a cake"

Moving to do as requested the servant responded "I don't know if I want any of whatever madness you are cooking up" gesturing to the stove controls "you use this to adjust the temperature of the burner"

"Thank you good sir, now for the fun part" Teddy filled the pot with oil, leaving about 2 inches of space from the surface "OH! i need something to stir so I don't burn the oil"  He was then handed a stirring stick and began to stir until the oil started bubble a bit, then he turned down the burner a small amount before turning to the fridge again and pulling out his potato sticks, he dried them off some more and then put half of them into the strainer.  And then, dunked it into the oil.  It began to bubble violently.  "Right, gotta go get the salt and something to put them in, got a bowl?"  he asked as he ran to grab the salt

"Yes yes here, I don't care anymore" he was given the requested item

He laid a paper towel in the bowl, and by then he had timed roughly two minutes since dunk time, he pulled them out and gave it quick look before dunking them back in.  He waited about 20 more seconds before pulling them out again and then dumping the contents into the bowl, he quickly loaded the strainer with the other half and dunked it.  With a quick motion he dusted the pile with salt, waited a moment.

And then... with all eyes watching him... he took one and ate it...

"mmmm... it's not McDonald's, but it isn't bad.  I give it a 5/10, probably need to dry the potatoes better next time, maybe I can figure out how to freeze dry stuff"

The unicorn was just standing there stunned for the time that it took the second batch to finish and the stove to be turned off before he spoke "What... ARE those?"

it was at that time that their secret observer made herself known.  She was tall, dark blue, and had a flowing blue mane "Yes, we too would like to know what it is our guest has cooked up.  It smells unlike anything we have had before."

With that the unicorn turned around and started stuttering and sputtering "P-p-princess Luna!  I was told to help him and to try to accommodate his needs, and he insisted on cooking after he looked through our kitchen, please have mercy on me!"

"Fret not, for we are not upset with thee.  Had we been we would have stepped in and stopped this as it began, we were watching the entire time"

"So you are Princess Luna, I'm Teddy as I'm sure you've heard.  As for the food, from where I live these are called 'Fries,' though they aren't the best they will do in a pinch.  Of course you are free to try some"  he then started to eat a couple more

Luna trotted over with a small smile on her face before the unicorn made his protest "But Princess, are you sure you would like to try something so... so... alien?"

Luna merely laughed at his concern "Where art your sense of adventure young one?  We will be fine"  and with that she levitated up a fry, taking a good look at it and a sniff.  Then she popped it into her mouth.  And then her eyes bulged, and then in went another, and another, and another...

Seeing this, the unicorn trotted over and hesitantly tried one for himself, and had a very similar reaction.

Seeing this Teddy couldn't help but burst in to laughter

"Pray tell what you find so humorous?  You hath created the heavens using potatoes"

"If you keep eating those like that, you are probably going to get fat"

Luna gave him a flat sidelong glance "I can stop when I want to"