How To Cure Writer's Block With an Exorcism
Twilight Sparkle pressed the big red button. It clicked, and then rang like a tiny bell, and then the library basement was filled with a soft mechanical humming.
“I am about to start the first chapter of my treatise on the Foal Mountain Monks,” she said quietly, leaning close to the microphone.
The hinge did not squeak until it was almost completely open. That chest contained nothing but old scrolls and notebooks and a few quill knives; she had checked earlier that day. But that was how it always seemed to work.
Taking a deep breath, Twilight reached for the quill in the inkwell. It rose into the air, the feather pivoting around slowly. She dabbed out the excess ink on the side of the well.
She could barely hear the footsteps behind her. It was stepping so gingerly around all the obstacles, the glass beakers and test tubes and flasks she had meticulously placed in a haphazard manner.
The quill met paper. Without dropping the façade Twilight reached behind her back with her magic. A drop of ink shook free from the quill, becoming an unsightly blot on the brand new paper.
When the pony tribes were first united under Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, the map of Equestria was very different from what we know of today.
She could not feel its presence within her detection spell but she could hear its tentative steps, like a foal trying to sneak past her parents to steal cookies from the kitchen.
For one thing, the west coast was yet a no mare’s land, and would continue to be that for three hundred years. The Badlands was home to the last Dragon Dynasty, and the Crystal Empire was in fact bigger than Equestria.
It was right behind her. Twilight hardly dared to breathe. With her magic she took the small mirror in front of her desk and lifted it. She saw her face, her own wide eyes. The tape recorder to her right, and two of the microphones, and her desk lamp. The tip of a bright red quill. Her gaze followed the mirror as it rose higher. Now she could see the clutter behind her…
Rrrrrrip.
The mirror fell safely onto a cushion. Twilight was just in time to see the last scrap of paper torn instantly to shreds. Flakes of paper drifted in the air like confetti. A tiny shadow fled across the room. It could have been a mouse. All at once the remains of the manuscript burst into dull heatless flames, disappearing in seconds without even a hint of ash.
“And that was my treatise on the Foal Mountain Monks,” she said dejectedly.
Click.
Twilight banged her head on the desk.
None of this would have happened if I’d just left that book alone!
But she had been young, and the book had been there. And Princess Celestia had trusted her more than she should have.
Twilight glanced up the stairs towards the closed door. Spike was waiting on the other side; she could hear him pacing anxiously. He would want an answer.
She popped the tape out of the recorder and went up. There was no putting it off any longer.
“Send the letter, Spike,” she said as the door opened. “I’m going to get my friends. We’re going to deal with this once and for all.”
Spike perked up at her words and immediately scampered up to the second floor for quills and paper. It was still early in the morning; if the specialist she had in mind was free, the whole thing could be wrapped up by dinnertime.
I just hope they don’t laugh too hard.
“So let me get this straight,” Rainbow Dash said, slowly sinking to the floor of the throne room. “You’ve never written a book?”
“No,” Twilight said. Her cheeks had reached saturation ten minutes ago.
“And it’s because of this thing,” she continued. “And you’ve never seen it before… but you know it’s real. Uh… where did you find something like that?”
“It was from a book…” Twilight said slowly, ruffling her wings. “It was in Princess Celestia’s personal library. I didn’t know what it was exactly! It was under ‘disposal spells’! I thought it was for emptying waste paper baskets!”
“Darling, are you sure you’re not working too hard?” Rarity asked, prodding the bags under Twilight’s eyes. “Why have you not told us about this earlier? You say it’s been going on for years.”
“I thought I could manage it myself,” she said. “It didn’t touch my letters or papers. I haven’t tried to write a book in years. I guess I forgot about it. And most spells dissipate over time. It should be gone by now.”
“Bookgoblins don’t just go away.”
Rainbow Dash stood bolt upright at the sound of that voice. Her wings spread with enough force to throw Fluttershy across the room and make Applejack stumble.
A dust-yellow mare stood in the doorway, wearing a well-used purple travel cloak and a drooping sombrero that covered much of her face.
“A.K. Yearling,” Twilight said to the new arrival, motioning for her to come in.
“Just call me Daring Do,” she replied as Spike closed the door behind her. She was interrupted when Spike tapped her shoulder.
He was holding up a copy of Daring Do and the Griffin’s Goblet with one hand, a quill with the other.
“Later,” she said, patting the little dragon on the head. She smiled when she saw Rainbow Dash, who would have swooned had Applejack not held her up.
She doffed her disguise quickly, revealing her trademark jacket and compass rose cutie mark.
“Thanks for coming,” Twilight said, standing a little to the side to make room for her guest at the inactive map table. “I suppose you’re something of an expert about these bookgoblins? I only know about them from what I read in the Ring of Destiny. I’ve scoured the Canterlot libraries, and there’s no other reference to anything remotely similar to this.”
“You’re unlikely to find any,” she began to say, but was interrupted by Rainbow Dash slowly drifting into her personal space.
Twilight rolled her eyes and grabbed the blue pegasus with her magic, placing her on the floor between Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.
“Bookgoblins are summoned by a curse,” Daring Do continued. “I have seen a copy of the curse once, but the original is believed to be lost. They are invisible creatures that destroy books as they are written. I only know of them being used to prevent the spread of dangerous knowledge. It was used on lunatics and fanatics; not a big problem, unless they spread to family members. So I’m to assume that your mother or father was such a pony?”
“No…” Twilight said slowly, lowering her head.
“Then a teacher?” she guessed again, evidently surprised.
“It was a magic accident!” Twilight confessed. “It was the first time Princess Celestia showed me her personal library! There was an old spell book open on a table!”
“You cursed yourself,” Daring Do deadpanned.
Twilight nodded, hiding behind her wings.
“Alright,” she said, and looked around the room. “I’m glad you’re all here. Catching a bookgoblin is tricky. It can appear inside a sealed room, and it always stays out of your line of sight. But once it appears, it cannot disappear until its job is complete. If we catch it before it destroys Twilight’s manuscript, she only has to look it in the eyes. Then it will become harmless.”
“So we just seal off a room and sit around until it appears,” Rainbow Dash said, waving her hoof dismissively. “What’s so hard about that?”
“Remember what I said about line of sight?” Daring Do said. “It won't come if we’re watching.”
“So we don’t sit around and wait?”
“We do, but we don’t watch.” she explained. “It’s easier if we just start. I want to fly home tonight, and it's getting late.”
“Oh, these things are so tacky!”
“You can’t see it if you’re wearing it,” Daring Do said, patting Rarity’s black blindfold. “Everypony stay where you are and keep the blindfolds on. In my experience Bookgoblins only avoid line of sight. If you can’t see them they’ll walk right in front of you. That makes catching them a little easier.”
“Um… question,” Applejack said, lifting up one side of her blindfold. “How do we catch something we can’t see to begin with, while we’re blindfolded?”
Daring Do let out a heavy sigh.
“This is the only way I’ve ever caught a bookgoblin. It’s going to be messy. There’s just no way around it.”
The basement was locked, and the space under the door sealed with wax. The windows were taped. The mess from Twilight’s earlier experiment was gone. Everything except for the desk and a few cushions had been moved upstairs, and was currently cluttering up the grand hallway on the first floor.
Daring Do had one last look around. The five blindfolded ponies were sitting in a big circle, each with her back to a wall. To her right Twilight sat facing the desk, flicking the red quail quill in its inkwell.
“Whatever you do, don’t look away from your paper,” she instructed as she adjusted her own blindfold. “Bookgoblins aren’t dumb. We can surprise it the first time, but that’s it.”
Twilight nodded grimly and picked up the quill with her magic.
“Alright everypony,” she said. “I’m starting to write.”
But there was just one problem.
Several minutes elapsed.
“Well?” Daring Do whispered between her teeth.
“I don’t know what to write.”
“What about the Foal Mountain Monks?” She asked with a hint of exasperation in her voice. "You were going to write about them this morning. You told me!"
“I… I don’t want to write about that,” Twilight said. “I was just doing that to... why am I doing this? I don’t need to write a book. I’ve gone my whole life without writing a book!”
“Then why did you call…”
Daring Do lifted a corner of her blindfold just enough to see Twilight’s face. Her heart sank.
The whites of her eyes were glowing with a pale yellow light that could not have come from one flickering candle.
“This is bad.”
“Why am I even here?” Twilight said irritably, kicking her cushion aside. It struck the wall with a dull thud. She jumped, genuinely startled, and laughed nervously. “I’m sorry everypony. I just can’t do this right now. I have no ideas. I’ll just go for a quick walk. Get the ol’ creative juices flowing…”
“Don’t let her leave!”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack ripped off their blindfolds and pounced at Twilight, weighing her down. The alicorn struggled desperately, reaching out for the stairs.
“Ew, why is she sweaty?” Rainbow Dash said as she tried to clamp Twilight’s wings.
“The bookgoblin’s already here,” Daring Do said, glancing around the room. She rubbed her temple with her hoof. “It never left! That’s it!”
“You said it only destroys books!” Applejack said. “What does that have to do with Twilight doing this?”
“It’s controlling her,” Daring Do said, slowly pacing in front of Twilight with the candle in one hoof. “Of course. This makes sense. It’s been following her for years. It's gotten stronger.”
Twilight looked at her and smiled sheepishly.
“Come on, girls,” she said, looking from face to face as the others took off their blindfolds one by one. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting? I just can’t write right now, that’s all.”
“This isn’t you talking,” Daring Do said, leaning in until Twilight had nowhere else to look. “The bookgoblin’s getting to you. You can write! Anypony can write!”
“But I need research!” Twilight whined. “There’s so much I don’t know about the Foal Mountain Monks! So many books already written about them! I can’t just begin like this!”
“Then make up something,” Daring Do said patiently. “A novel. Don’t you like novels?”
“I can’t just make up something!” She said, chewing on her lip. “I need inspiration! I know, I’ll take a walk around Ponyville! That’ll give me ideas!”
“I won’t let you do that,” Daring Do said, scanning the room quickly. It was useless, of course; the bookgoblin could not be seen until it had been subdued. “How about you do what I do? You’ve saved Equestria plenty of times. Write about it. I bet there are ponies out there who would love to read about your adventures.”
“I don’t have adventures,” Twilight said, blowing a raspberry. By now she was hopelessly surrounded. “Nothing like what you do! I mean, I’ve only been to places that everypony goes to. Who wants to read another guidebook to the Crystal Empire? There are like, only a dozen of those!”
“This… isn’t… working…” Rainbow Dash smashed her face into Twilight’s back before she could stand up. Twilight seemed to be getting stronger with each passing moment.
“Twilight, darling,” Rarity said, reaching out with a shaking hoof. “We’re just trying to help you. You’ve never been like this before. You write the loveliest letters and pamphlets, and your penmareship is just beautiful. Put down a few words for me, won’t you?”
The white unicorn fluttered her long black lashes. Her horn lit up, and the paper and inkwell drifted over from the desk.
Twilight looked at her askance. Her horn glowed feebly, and the aura around the quill changed from Rarity’s pale blue to Twilight’s reddish purple.
“What do you want me to write?” She asked.
“Well…” Rarity rubbed her chin thoughtfully, glancing around the bare room. “Ah… how do the Shadow Spade books start again? ‘It was around…’”
“Midnight!” Rainbow Dash interrupted, startling Twilight. Rarity shot her an annoyed look.
“It was around midnight,” Daring Do said quickly. “Write that down, Twilight. That’s a good start to a book.”
The quill descended slowly. Daring Do was not the only one holding her breath.
It touched the paper, and began a downward stroke.
It stopped.
Up.
dot
cross
Picking up speed now…
“It was around midnight. I was in the basement when…”
Pinkie Pie was rattling in place.
“There was a knock at the door,” Daring Do finished. She looked around wildly, drawing circles in the air with her left hoof.
“I went upstairs, and saw a giant… orange through the window!”
“An orange? Seriously?” Rainbow Dash put her hooves on her waist, letting go of Twilight. She did not try to escape.
“It’s good,” Daring Do said quickly. “What about the giant orange?”
“Maybe it’s a cake,” Pinkie Pie piped up. “Oooh, I’ve done this before! You need really deep trays and a few ovens. And a lot of marzipan!”
“It was a cake!” Daring Do declared.
“But why would there be…” There was a glint in Twilight’s eyes. A subtle thing, but everypony saw it. She reached the end of her sentence and continued to write.
Who would send a giant orange cake so late at night? All the bakeries closed hours ago.
I approached the door cautiously.
“Spike?” I called.
A soft snort was all I got in reply…
“Blindfolds!” Daring Do whispered, making sure not to interrupt Twilight.
“Oh, and there are hummingbirds eating the icing,” Fluttershy whispered. “It’s not good for them, but…”
“Ssssh!”
There was a sound like flecks of sand hitting the floor. Then something moved. It sounded like it was no bigger than a rabbit. Its steps followed a strange rhythm, like a rapid drumroll where the beats melted together.
Daring Do waited until it was in the middle of the group.
“Grab it!” She called suddenly.
Everypony pounced, except for Twilight. For a moment Daring Do felt a small furry shape squirming in her grasp, before it was yanked away by another set of hooves and somepony grabbed her around the neck.
“I got it!” Pinkie Pie declared gleefully. “Hey!”
“Oh, sorry Pinkie,” Fluttershy said. “I thought you were…”
“I have it!”
“That’s me, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said.
“Everypony freeze!” Applejack called.
All of a sudden the room was silent. Daring Do could hear the scratching of quill against paper.
“I… I got it!” Applejack said. “What do I do with it?”
“Stay where you are and don’t let it escape,” Daring Do ordered. “Everypony, take off your blindfolds.”
“Whoa, that’s creepy.”
Applejack stood on her rear legs, with her front legs held out straight in front of her. She was struggling against thin air. Daring Do helped her with her blindfold.
“Alright,” she said breathlessly. “Hey Twilight, could you look over here for a sec? You gotta look into this thing’s eyes… wherever that is.”
“Yeah, give me a moment,” Twilight said absentmindedly.
Daring Do facehoofed.
“Just stick it in her face!” Rainbow Dash said, shoving Applejack towards Twilight.
There was a knock at the door. Everypony turned.
“Hey, Twilight?” Spike said, his voice muffled by the door. “What’s going on down there? Did it work?”
“What?”
Twilight looked around the room in confusion. Her eyes widened when she saw Applejack.
The bookgoblin became visible starting from its head. Applejack had been holding it upside down. The wave of purple started from the tip of its snout.
Her snout.
The bookgoblin was little more than a foot tall, with graceful slender legs and a rather long neck. She resembled a Saddle Arabian, though her face was shorter. She had an awkward smile on her face. Her pink-striped purple mane was sticking out in all directions from the recent struggle.
“Oh my,” Fluttershy said, breaking the stunned silence. “She so cute.”
“This is a bookgoblin?” Rainbow Dash said, glaring at the creature from an inch away. Still upside down in Applejack’s grip, she crossed her arms and stared back with narrowed eyes.
“It’s harmless now,” Daring Do said. “So Twilight, do you want to keep it?”
“She looks like you!” Pinkie Pie said, leaping almost to the ceiling.
“I… I don’t think I will,” Twilight said slowly. “Can you put it in a box for me? I’ll deal with it right away. Just… let me write, alright? I’m making good progress here.”
The others looked to Daring Do. She nodded and led the way up the stairs. Spike came in as soon as she opened the door. He made a beeline for Twilight and sat down against her back. She looked up from her work and put one hoof over his shoulders.
Upstairs Daring Do emptied out a cardboard box full of dusty technical manuals.
“Are you sure she’s going to be alright in there?” Fluttershy asked as they all gathered around. “I mean, I can take her home. Twilight can be a little careless when she’s like this…”
“It’s a bookgoblin,” Daring Do said. “They don’t have to eat or drink or anything.”
“Does it walk on clouds?” Rainbow Dash asked eagerly. “I could use a little housekeeper like the one from the Ring of Destiny! That would be so cool!”
“I think we should leave this to Twilight,” Applejack said. “It’s her bookgoblin, after all. She should decide.”
Majesty glanced out the palace window wistfully. Being Princess Celestia’s personal servant was a great honor. She just wished there weren’t so many boring things to do.
Princesses get so much mail!
“Love letter… Love letter…” The pink mare mumbled to herself, flicking aside the many packages on the big table. “That Neighgerian Prince with lots of money… where is Neighgeria anyways?”
She reached for a cardboard box, slightly singed for some reason. There were no stamps. Tied to its top was a two inch stack of paper.
From Twilight Sparkle.
She would have left it alone, but something moved inside the box as she pushed it towards the top priority pile.
I shouldn’t.
The box rattled.
She left it alone for ten minutes. Then she slowly pulled the package back across the table. She untied it carefully, making sure that she could recreate the knot exactly.
Just a quick look.
She put the paper to the side. It was covered with dense cursive text.
She squealed in delight when she looked into the box.
“Ohmygosh! Selly! Selly!” She shouted, loading the box onto her back and running out of the mail room. “You gotta see this! It’s the most amazing thing ever!”