The Tales of a Drunk Russian Man

by The Russian mofo

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

Meet Vasily Polocave. Born and raised in Volgograd he is a Russian man who has fought in many wars and now resides peacefully in Ponyville. Listen as he tells you the stories of his life, most happen to be when he is drunk but they are still interesting none the less.

Chapters

Chapter 1: Celestia

Chapter 1: Celestia
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The Tales of a Drunk Russian Man

Chapter 1: Celestia

Hello, as you probably know, I am Major Vasily Polocave of the 82nd rifle regiment of the Russian Army, and pleased to be at your service. Now, as the title of this chapter says, i'm going to be talking about.....oh God I never wanted to talk about this ever again.....Princess Celestia. Oh Jesus, where the hell do I start? Um I guess I can tell you how I met her.

~~15 years earlier~~

I had just be ranked up to a Major back then after leading my troops to one of the greatest victories of the Great Equestrian War. After ten months of brutal fighting we were finally able to push back Queen Chrysalis's forces from the siege of Hoofington. It had been ten months of the most bloody, brutal , and horrific fighting I had ever been through. But, in the end we showed true Russian military strength and came out of that fight as heroes of Equestria. Being the highest ranking officer of the only regiment that was successful in pushing the enemy out of the City gains you a lot of recognition. Me and the rest of the 82nd rifle regiment where invited to Canterlot Castle for dinner in the royal hall with Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna. My little Lu-Lu is a much more comfortable subject for me; but for now, I guess I can talk for now about.....her.

~~First Person~~

"You said you wanted to see me in private Princess?" I said walking into Celestia's royal chambers."You can come in Major Polocave....I've been expecting you." The interior of the room was dimly lit with candles, and I swear could hear some faint cheesy, romantic music in the background.

"May I ask what is your will?"

"Well Major, I...I just wanted to congratulate you on your recent victory in Hoofington."

"I don't mean to be rude Princess but, isn't that why you invited me to the castle in the first place?"

"Yes, but I invited you to my chambers to give you my personal thanks."

Let me explain a little bit here, that damned city was at siege for almost 6 months before my regiment showed up, When this happened I had just met her fifteenth minutes ago. All she knew about me was I was the only successful Major with an ass-kicking infantry regiment that push those Changling fuckers back, and you might have had conversation with your friend at the bar asking," Hey, how horny do you think Celestia is? She must of not done it in like a thousand years or something."

Well, to put it bluntly, she is one of the most pervish ponies I have ever met.

She got up from her seat at her makeup desk wearing nothing but a robe.She had moved her hands to undo the robe and as it fell to the ground, there she was in all her glory. Now I am a man, Shall I remind you, and while her busty physique was quite the sight, I was not allow to do such things while on duty, and I could only imagine the months of non-stop P.T. my comrades received from doing such things with the pony populous that stayed in Hoofington.

"I....I'm sorry Princess, but I'm not allowed to do this, I could lose my rank as and officer for this."

"Too bad." she replied.

She lunged toward me putting her hand down my pants while my belt had laid across the room, magically ripped off of me. So not only had I not consented to the act , but she was already fondling me. (Take that feminist who say men can be raped!) Sorry for going off track there but allow me continue.

I pushed her off of me saying,"WHOA, calm down there Missy I said no!"

"Well thats no way to speak to a Princess is it?"

"Well how about you, hmm I don't know, LET GO OF MY COCK!"

I picked up my belt and stormed out of the room as fast as I could when she came running down the hall way in her robe on yelling,"YOU COME BACK HERE AND FUCK ME!" I'm pretty sure the whole castle could hear her, probably not the best thing for my whole regiment to hear having dinner one floor below us.

I ran into a random room in the hall way trying to hide from 'Princess Molstia' who sounded like she was gonna ripped the castle in half just to find me. I though I was alone in the room until a light flicks on and I hear,

"Trying to find you now is she?"

~~Back to the present~~

BUT, it's dawn now, and that is a story for another drunk night by the fire. Goodbye ya'll,and have a nice day!