In Which the Truth is Revealed
"Why, mine sister?" Celestia shouted at the dark alicorn with tear-filled eyes. "Why did thou speak not of thy loneliness?"
The alicorn of bruises laughed in response.
"Would thine subjects have let us? Would thou hath left them to see to our health? Neigh! Thy ponies hath become more to thee then thine own sister!"
"Tis a falsehood! Thy love means more to mine heart than that of all our subjects!"
The argument was interrupted as a poorly designed stallion with a poorly designed hat walked into the throne room, smiling brightly as if oblivious to the argument.
"Ah, mine favorite princess. Thy subjects are waiting on thy appearance in the courtyard before the unveiling of the newest statue in honor of thy rule!"
His message delivered, Plot Device waddled out of the room, oblivious to the scathing glare the lunar princess was directing at her sister.
"Newest? Tell us, dear sister, how many statues have our subjects dedicated to thy visage? How many have they dedicated to mine own?"
Celestia did not meet her sisters gaze, for shame had sapped her strength and her words. The blue alicorn raised her nose, her fury devolving into disgust.
"Thy words are nothing more than the pitiful squeals of a foal to mine ears. It has been proven time and again that nopony loves our night, nor our moon!"
"That's not true," A voice called out. Turning to the source, both alicorns gasped, the strange creature moving out of the shadows.
"I love the night, it's the best time to watch porn or read dirty magazines, it's the time to get drunk and have parties. It's the perfect time to play video games, even though this world doesn't have them.
But most of all, Luna, I love your moons. All four of them."
Blushing hotly the alicorn stuttered, attempting to understand the sexy creatures meaning.
"What dost thou mean? We have only one moon."
The creature approached her, catching her muzzle in his alien appendages.
"That's not true. One hangs in the sky even now," he said, beginning to circle the mare while trailing his fingers along her side. Reaching her flank, he circled her cutie mark with a single digit.
"Two is right here."
Passing behind her, he repeated the process with her other flank, drawing a shudder from the lunar diarch.
"Three."
"P-pray tell, dear sir. Where is our fourth moon?"
The creature smiled benevolently, before firmly clasping her flanks with both hands. The princess squealed in surprise even as he began to knead the supple flesh, causing the mare to moan in pleasure.
"This is my favorite of them all though. The greatest moon on Equestria."
"Oh, please strange creature, tell us thy name, that we may name thee as our consort!"
"My name is Anonymous. But you my dear, can call me Anon."
"We have arrived!" the princess shouted, a torrent of fluids gushing from her flower, washing over the creature currently digging his fingers into her flanks to keep himself from being washed away. The human released his grip once the pressure relaxed enough and reached over her, pulling her into a rearing position.
"My dear, sweet moon. Will you allow my to make love to you? Right here in the throne room? I want nothing more."
The two kissed passionately, moaning in delight into each others mouths even as they removed each others armor or clothes. Celestia could only stare in disbelief as her sister allowed the strange creature to make sweet, sweet love to her fourth moon. Having seen enough, the Solar alicorn burst into tears, turning to run from the halls. A blue aura caught her tail however, drawing Celestia's attention to her sister's curious stare.
"We, we cannot take this, sister! For so long, we have tried to get our subjects to appreciate mine wonderfully padded flanks, but they turn their noses up at them! They prefer mares with no padding, mares who have no cushion for the pushing to mine own! We have attempted everything to earn their love. We hold court every day, we host parties, we go to orgies, but nothing works! We end up going home dry! Do you know how many ponies go home from an orgy dry? One, mine own self!" Celestia shouted, now bursting into treats.
Moved by pity, as well as the dark whisperings of the one currently running his magical fingers over her cutie marks, Luna nodded in agreement.
"We had no idea, Tia. Perhaps, perhaps the two of us can resolve our differences some other way. Preferably while Anon makes love to our superiorly padded plots?"
Celestia looked from her sister to the alien, doubt clouding her eyes.
"But, but we don't even know who he is or from where he-"
"It matters not, sister," Luna softly told her, beckoning with a hoof. "Come Tia. Anon will teach you the wonders that are his fingers."
<-(0)->
"...and that's how Equestria was saved," Celestia stated, looking out over the element bearers. Her benevolent smile did nothing to improve the mood of her favored student, however.
"What the buck does this Anon-pony have to do with your ploy?" the purple alicorn screamed. "You made me think there was an end-of-Equestria event coming up, then left me to try and gather the Elements of Harmony to stop it. I find out four years later that it wasn't even a real prophecy, that you bucking made that entire story up to drive me to friendship!"
"Well, normally I'd have had to use this opportunity to save my sister from her own darkness, allowing you to learn the truth of your connections under an extremely dangerous machination that either saved Equestria or left it to freeze over in night eternal. However, since that never happened, I had to improvise," the alicorn explained. "Sadly, I was never very good at that. I'm more of a 'plan things out five hundred years in advance and hope for the best' kind of mare."
"Indeed," Luna said as she approached the group. In another timeline, she would have been left weak and frail with no flanks at this point, but because of Anon's intervention, she was as pleasantly plump as her sister. "Tia has always been bad at that. She was also very bad at keeping her cool in the presence of humans ever since we first were approached by Anon all those years ago."
Celestia blushed, turning to her sister.
"I-I've gotten better, I mean I-"
In response, the blue alicorn brought forth a large book. On the cover was a strange creature, a human, wearing pants but no shirt. The creature was posed heroically with a white coated and pink maned mare clinging to his leg.
"What do you call this? I do believe 'Sunny Days' was the name of your favorite disguise was it not? Where-ever did this book staring a unicorn mare named Sunny and her human A. Non come from, Tia?"
Even as Celestia ripped the book from the blue alicorn's telekinetic grip, Luna giggled mischievously.
"It is of no consequence, I've already perused the chapters. Quite raunchy, Tia, one might even call it lewd. What would the common ponies say if they knew their princess had engaged in such activities as described in, might I say excruciating, detail in this book?"
Even as Celestia valiantly attempted to stutter out a response, Luna turned to the newly awakened Bearers.
"While I'm sorry Tia was unable to give you girls a real test on your first activation of the Elements of Harmony, I don't regret being saved by the tender touch of my first human consort. Besides, if I'd been on the moon, I would have missed the second one that arrived a few centuries later. Do you remember him Tia?"
"Oh, that poor thing. He didn't stop screaming about mares with penises for nearly three days, and even then it was only once we'd shown him that we didn't have dicks or were hiding them with magic. He was more than willing to worship our plots after that. Poor dear was just so pent up."
Luna nodded sagely "Indeed, he had been trapped in such a horrible place for so long. After hearing of the horrors he had faced, we decided to change the gates of Tartarus to a portal to that world. It's a worse fate than anything we could ever devise here. We even had a few miscreants reform at the threat of being sent to Tartarus after that, as opposed to them just getting banished there and vowing vengeance."
Breaking the alicorns out of their reminiscing and advancing the plot once more, a large group of moo- I mean guards came trotting down the hallway.
"Your highness, we discovered this strange creature on the outskirts of the Everfree. He seems harmless, so we decided to bring him where he could do the most harm if he turns out to be evil," a guard stated, the others behind him escorting a bound and gagged human male. The creature caught sight of the princesses and seemed to sigh in relief, as if he recognized them from somewhere.
Celestia unleashed a blinding smile at the sight of the human.
"Oh, how wonderful! I'll just take him off your hooves and-"
"I think not, Tia," Luna interrupted. "Shall I meet you in the courtyard with my lance and armaments, that we may settle who goes first properly?"
The white alicorn stared at her sister for a few moments in debate, chewing her bottom lip and looking from Luna to the human,who began to look terribly uneasy at the turn of events. Tia then snapped her hooves as an idea came to her, something only an alicorn is capable of mind you, and turned to Luna.
"You've been working on your alchemic knowledge for a long time, do you still have a shared experience potion?"
"Brilliant idea, sister! A coin flip to see who goes first and who takes the potion?" Luna asked cheerfully.
"Oh most definitely," Tia said, pulling a golden coin from nowhere. She flipped it into the air, all eyes on the coin as it spun in the air then bounced around on the ground. It landed with a moon facing up, causing Luna to hoof-pump.
"Success! Come human, my sister and I must teach you of the world you now find yourself in this day. There is so much we must study, isn't that right Tia?"
The white mare giggled as she pranced after her sister, "Oh most certainly. So much to learn. Customs, laws, anatomy, geography, traditions..."
As the two alicorns trotted merrily down the hallway carrying their hapless victim, who was attempting to scream curses at somepony named...Stretchy? Twilight couldn't hear him very well through the gag. As the princesses left, her friends merely stared in dumbstruck wonder at the situation that had unfolded before them.
"Whoa, I didn't know Celestia and Luna were such whorses for human dicks."
Twilight gasped, as did the rest of her friends, all turning to face the speaker.
Fluttershy stared at them blankly before responding.
"Well they are."
"Ah hate to imagine what would happen if'n they managed to find a world full of them critters," Applejack said, watching the princesses with concern. "The princesses would prob'ly never be seen again. Ah mean, who would take care of Equestria if they didn't do nuthin but rut with hoomans?"
Rainbow Dash looked from her new friends to the retreating monarchs just as one of them remembered they were able to teleport. In a flash of light the hallway was empty, except for the girls and a few guards.
"Yea, I don't see that causing too much of a change from how things are right now."
Author's Note
I asked myself why I wrote this, then I read it again. I laughed. Then I realized that was why I did this.
I literally scraped this together in about two hours, Including thinking up a name for the pony. I eventually decided to go full satire and just named him for what he was. For this story, I have no regrets. Okay, maybe one. The fact that I've read one too many of those damn stories that a certain unnamed individual keeps vomiting out.
GG guys. No re.
