The Tale of Big Bill Texas!

by Protopony350

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 940

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT AN OIL TYCOON IN EQUESTRIA! THE OIL TYCOON IS FROM TEXAS! THE OIL TYCOON GOES BY THE NAME OF BILL. BIG BILL. BIG BILL TEXAS!

Big Bill Texas, who is an oil tycoon named Bill from Texas, drilled for so much oil that he was somehow transported to Equestria. Watch in amazement as this 50-something business man runs amuck in this "hilarious" story that you are sure to "enjoy".

Watch as Big Bill Texas learns the true meaning of friendship!

Or maybe he'll just drill for more oil.

[spoiler]If not painfully obvious, this is a crackfic.[/spoiler]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-15 04:21:26 UTC

Big Bill Texas and the World of Horses

"You can take your charity and GET THE HECK OUTA MY SIGHT!" said Big Bill Texas to the nun who ran the orphanage.

It was a great time for Big Bill Texas. The sun was shining, his belly was full of sweet bourbon, his bank account was even bigger than the oversized cowboy hat that adorned his big fat head, covering his thinning white hair.

"Ted, inform the men that I'm extending the work week to eight days," he said, rubbing his hands together maniacally.

"But sir, that is literally impossible," replied the nervous, and incredibly sweaty, middle aged man.

Bill sighed deeply, put his hand on the mans shoulder, and gave him a caring smile.

"I understand, I guess even I can't get everything I want," Bill said, to the relief of Ted.

Big Bill Texas picked ted up, walked to the window overlooking his massive oil field, and tossed him through, sending him to the ground 50 stories below.

"I wont be questioned by a lowly varmint like you, now bring me my scotch," Bill ordered, not grasping that he had just sent Ted to his death.

Big Bill Texas waited for far longer than was reasonable for Ted to return with his Scotch.

"Oh, right," he said with a blush as he looked at the human shaped hole on the ground below.

"It's gettin that a man can't even get a drink around here," he said with a huff.

Suddenly, a loud alarm sounded.

"Sir, we've reached the end of the oil, we HAVE to stop drilling," said a voice over the speakers in Big Bill's air conditioned oil field skybox.

"I don't want to hear it, keep drilling," he ordered.

The workers knew that this was a terrible idea, but none of them wanted to face the wrath of Big Bill Texas.

They continued drilling, and the ground began to shake.

"Yes, YES, more oil," he said, jumping up and down in excitement.

"Evacuate now," said the voice. The workers began to run.

"How dare they walk out on their jobs," Bill was so mad that his face was turning an even deeper shade of red.

Bill bolted out of the door, and ran down the 50 flights if stairs, only stopping 11 times to catch his breath. He was standing in the oil field, frowning as deeply as a human could frown.

"I guess I'll have to do it myself," he said.

Big Bill Texas waddled up to one of the oil rigs, and pressed the comically oversized red button.

The ground shook. One. Another. Another. The oil rigs were collapsing into the earth.

"NO! JUST A LITTLE MORE! I'VE GOTTA HAVE ALL THE OIL!"

Big Bill Texas fell into the ground.

"He's waking up," said a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Huh? Wha-what's going on?" asked Bill, who had yet to open his eyes.

"You had a nasty fall," said the voice.

Big Bill Texas we used to his butlers opening his eyes for him, but he realized after 15 minutes that that wasn't going to happen.

Slowly, he opened his eyes.

"You are a horse," he said blankly.

"Excuse me? I am a pony," said the horse.

Bill didn't respond.

"They found you near the Everfree forest. You had a pretty good bump on your head," explained the pony

"Wait... what am I doin here? I gotta get back to the fields," he said as he tried to get out of bed.

"You aren't going anywhere," ordered the horse.

"You can't keep me here... I'LL SUE!"

"Who is 'sue'?" the mare asked.

"I-it-you-I... what is this terrible place?" bill was confused, angry, and worse of all, not making money.

"This is Equestria, and I'm your doctor, Starshine Honeysprinkles," said the doctor.

"How? How did I get here?" he asked.

"The pony who brought you in said that you fell from the sky,"said the horse pony mare doctor.

"There are more of ya?" he asked, still confused, dumbfounded, perplexed, and way, way too sober for this.

"Of course, this is Ponyville after all," she said

Big Bill Texas had been around the block more then a few times. He'd seen things that would make a normal man fall to his knees and weep like a baby, but outside of a certain old television program, he'd never seen a talking horse.

"How long have I been here, miss, uh, Honeybunny?" he asked, trying to keep himself from going crazy.

She sighed. "It's been 3 days, Mr.Big Bill Texas," she answered.

"How'd ya know my name?" he asked.

"From this," she held out his wallet. "We threw out all of that weird moldy green paper.

Big Bill Texas passed out.

3 days later he awoke, and a new face greeted him.

"OH TARNASHIN, IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE?" he blurted.

"Hey, my names Rainbow Dash, i found you out there all... dead looking," she said, trying to smile at the strange creature.

"Are those wings?" he asked, looking really annoyed.

"Duh, how else would I fly?" she asked, making a valid point.

"Ya know what? Fine," he answered, looking somewhat defeated.

"So how are ya doing? The others said i should come check up on ya,"

"Well, to be honest little pony, I really need a drink,"

"I'll get you some water," she said.

"No, no, I mean a REAL drink. Got any scotch?"

"What's 'scotch'?"

Big Bill Texas passed out.

Big Bill Texas Wakes Up

Big Bill Texas awakes in a daze, surrounded by colorful ponies.

"Yep, still talking horses," he said.

Big Bill Texas passed out.