Pretty good chapter, imhorotfl
"Riiiiing!" said the alarm clock as it did that thing alarm clocks are wont to do. Almost immediately, Chaz shot up out of bed, more excited than you can possibly imagine. As he locked eyes with his clock, his smile grew so wide as he knew exactly what today was.
"Gee w-w-willickers," he stuttered attractively, "it's my s-special day!" Haha, no, not that special day, ya dingus. Chaz is a boy! He meant his birthday!
"I wonder what I got this year!" Chaz practically screamed as he rolled down the stairs, breaking most of his ribs in the process. As he lay on the floor, panting in a pool of his own coughed-up blood, he contemplated how it could have all gone so wrong. His punctured lungs quickly filling with vital goo, he used the remainder of his energon to crawl across the living room floor, all the way to the birthday tree.
"Oh birthday tree, oh birthday tree, I wonder what you have for me~~~," he sang, coughing the whole time like that kid with asthma I used to push around in middle school. Then he saw it, a single, large box under the birthday tree, wrapped in birthday wrapping paper all for his special day. He was so happy, even though he would be dying any minute now and ravens would feast on his eyeballs and entrails.
With practiced ease from 19 years of experience, he shredded the paper with his long, decrepit fingernails, which he oft neglects to trim since he's a disgusting freak. "Oh wowzers, mi papa y mama sure know how to get me a good birthday present," he exclaimed looking into the box only to see that it was a portal to Equestria.
He crawled inside and was instantly in Applejack's barn. "Boy howdy," he yeehaw'd darn tootinly as he stood up, completely healed by the magic of friendship. He gave a quick whiff of the air, then another, waving his hands in front of his face to fan air into his cavernous nostrils. "S-s-sm-smells like APPLES," he announced.
The barn door was instantly knocked off its hinges as Applejack stormed in, taking off her hat and looking at the camera. "Did somepony say APPLES?" The live studio audience cheered and clapped.
"No, it was me," said Chaz, who was totally geeking out. Applejack was his FAVORITE pony. "Also, I really like you a lot Applejack," he finished, his cheeks filling up with blush cells.
Applejack ran over and broke his fucking arm, then kicked him in the groin, "Hart, a monster in my barn? Why I'll be! If only Obama didn't take our guns I'd have shot it humanely but instead I'll just beat it to death with my bare hands." Then she looked down, gazing into his deep, gorgeous eyes, and she instantly knew her mistake. No way was this fella a monster. Also she remembered he'd talked a second ago.
"Well I'm mighty sorry about that mister," she apologized as she picked him up from the floor and dusted him off. "Mah name's Applejack."
"I know, I have a fleshlight modeled after you," he said romantically with a wink, "also, my name's Chaz, and you can call me Chaz, most folks do."
"Oh, okay," said Applejack, who was a bit bamboozled. "What's a flesh light?"
"Hahaha," Chaz laughed as he walked over to a barrel of apples, picking up a handful, which was about 6 of them because Chaz is like 7 feet tall and also a cartoon now that he's in Equestria so he has big hands like Wreck-it Ralph. "Wow, real live apples! I've only read about these in history books," he explained, going on to give Applejack a lengthy anecdote about the world he'd come from and the apocalypse that'd destroyed most of huemanity because all of his kind are bastards.
Applejack looked at him, full of pity, but also something else. Admiration? Love? "I should introduce you ta mah frind Twalit," SHE announced.
Chaz's face scrunched up like a tissue after I've masturbated into it. "But I don't like magic because I'm a human, only I don't know what that is yet at this point in the story. Oops." He'd have to go on a long rant later about how magic didn't exist in his world, but first he needed to beat up an animal in the forest.
"Oh shucks, pardner, we're going anyway." They only had to walk from one scene to another, and within less than a second they were at Twilight's boutique.
They walked in the door and a little bell rang. Chaz started chuckling to himself like an 8 year-old, or a 19 year-old, and Applejack gave him a poised look. "Whaaaaat are ya gabbin' on about over there, ya scrawny grabber?"
Chaz just couldn't hold it in anymore. "Wow, it sure is clique, antique, and magnifique in here," he said, using the oxford comma because that's just the type of guy he is.
Then Twilight Sparkle entered from the other room and the audience laughed. "Wow, you must be psychic, she said as she got within earsight of them, she explained as she got close, she said, said Twilight, you couldn't have possibly known my catchphrase otherwise, she continued," said Twilight.
"No, I'm just a genius," Chaz bragged humbly, not one to brag about his 300 IQ. "Actually I'm the smartest hueman in all of Equestria," he said with a wink.
"What's wrong with your eye?" Twilight questioned.
"Hahaha, anyway, what's for dinner?"
Twilight did some magic with her unicorn horn and served them all dinner at the dining room table. Her daughter, Sweetie Belle, joined them. "Who are you mister?" she wondered, looking at her father who was staring longingly through the window, knowing he could never reveal his identity to his daughter because of custody issues.
"I'm just a phantom. Are you doing alright in school?" he questioned, a fake smile on his sad face.
"Of course, I'm so smart they have me special classes," she said, full of pride despite it being one of the seven deadly sins. She could atone later in hell, but for now her pride was adorable.
"I'm glad," he said, a genuine smile appearing just for a moment. "You be good for mommy, okay?"
"Okay," she responded, and he quickly left. Then she turned to Chaz noting he was much too large to be seated at a pony table. "Who are you mister?"
"I'm Chaz," he said, "you can call me Chaz. Most folks do."
"Okay Chaz, why are you eating MY food at MY table in MY house?" she wondered, spitting venom in his face from the hollow points of her fangs. Chaz swallowed the venom and laughed, clapping his hands together.
"Me like baby horse, me like baby horse!"
"Me like baby horse too," announced Twilight Sparkle, who's probably a child predator, "now eat your thrice-damned food."
They didn't have to tell him thrice, and he dug into the food with a gusto only fat, disgusting bronies can know. Then his eyes widened, filling with hot air from his skull cavity. "Holy guacamole, is that what I think it is?!"
Suddenly a hundred ponies popped out from the other room wearing party hats. "SURPRISE!," they all shouted in unison. His eyes began filling up once again, this time with tears instead of air, and he barely was able to keep himself from screaming in abstract pain as he realized finally he was eating a birthday cake, for his birthday.
"How'd you know?!" he screeched in torment as most of the blood was already drained from his body and his limbs felt tingly.
"Well," Twilight began her explanation, "remember in between scenes a few seconds ago when I chopped off your leg for part of an experiment? Well I counted the rings and realized it was your birthday."
"Oh wow, this is like the best day ever," said Chaz before feinting and smacking his face heavily on the table.
He woke up one paragraph later at the bottom of the stairs at his house, still in a pool of his own blood. "I guess it was all just a dream," he sighed, realizing that ponies don't actually exist because that'd be fucking retarded. Then suddenly he heard a voice in his foggy mind.
"Oh no, Chaz, are you okay?"
He looked up to see Celestia and Luna standing above him with hearts in their eyes. "No, not really," he lied because Chaz is a gary stu who's always alright despite what's happening in the story. He has birthday plot armor. "I thought ponies were just something from a cartoon for little girls that older pedophiles and furries lust after, so why are you all here in the real world?"
"Have you ever thought that maybe your world isn't real at all, Chaz?" Questioned Celestia who's such a trole. "Haha, just kidding. But you don't remember, our magic summoned you to Equestria and you saved us all with your edgy human protagonist powers and we got romantically involved and then we all celebrated your birthday in Ponyville."
Chaz's eyes widened, filled now with blood instead of tears. "Wait, that really happened? It wasn't just a dream, but a memory!?"
"Yes, you lost all your memories of Equestria when we sent you back home with magic, but you were drawn to that cartoon show that was about our world that we set up to find brony champions or something, but you liked it not because you're a future criminal, but because it brought back memories."
"Wow, that's really cool," Chaz lied, as he's too much of a badass to actually care about anything.
"Yeah, so we need your help in Equestria again, I guess, so come on!" Then Luna and Celestia used their power of LOVE for Chaz to make another portal to Equestria which they traveled through. Time for a new adventure!
To be continued....
Syke!
