The Conversation Bureau

by Flutterpony

Rating: teen
Tags: Maud Pie, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Spike, Comedy, Other
Length: 1027

23 December 2015, 6:52 p.m. PST: SUDDENLY EQUESTRIA! Equestria crashes into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and, in their shock at the "disgusting" human race, its leaders decide to do something completely insane...

23 December 2015, 6:52 p.m. PST:

SUDDENLY EQUESTRIA!

Equestria crashes into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and, in their shock at the "disgusting" human race, its leaders decide to do something completely insane ...

... provide mandatory talk-therapy for every human on the planet!

Let the conversations ...
... BEGIN!

Written for the Write Club. Prompt provided by XanaDurian

Published 2016-01-07 02:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-07 02:30:01 UTC

The Conversation Bureau

New York Times
Alien-Inhabited Planetoid Inexplicably Appears: Crashes Mid-Pacific Ocean

Canterlot Gazette
Magical Rifts Wreak Mayhem: Homo Sapiens Shock Homeland

While Twilight and Celestia had managed to slow the relatively small continent's descent, it had still required Luna's expertise in oceanic manipulation to prevent the tsunamic tragedy that might have taken place. Unfortunately, geographical adjustments would wind up being the least of their worries.

“I thought that my attempt to bring about eternal night was a crime unworthy of forgiveness, but, these humans, they take each others' very lives... voluntarily!” The princess of the night's expression shown plainly the horror she felt.

Celestia nodded across the circular table of the crystal counsel room. “Our little ponies haven't always been so innocent themselves, Sister. Fortunately, we found a way to move past it.”

Twilight and Cadence looked from Celestia to each other, their brows heavy with concern before Cadence, recognizing the way the youngest princess's lips tightened and the corner of her mouth drew down, urged her, “What is it, Twilight?”

“It's just... it seems like there are more friendship problems now than my friends and I can handle. With the introduction of Equestrian magic into what was once a magically stagnant world, so much hatred among the humans could mean the return of Windigos, alliances with our enemies, maybe even all out attacks against us before we find a way to restore our worlds to their separate dimensions.” Twilight tapped her chin thoughtfully. “We're going to have to do something drastic to get through to our new neighbors, and... I have an idea.”

Washington Post
Extra-Dimensional “Smooze” Holds World Hostage. Authorities Cooperate. Humans to Submit to Cultural Reprogramming

Manehattan Daily
Your Princesses Need YOU! Equestria Campaigns to Spread Friendship Across the New Globe

“Have y'all considered … pies?” Sheriff Silver Star addressed a goo-clad suicide bomber, his devices currently disabled by mystical, neon smooze.

“P-pies?!” A crazed look of incredulity plastered the hostage human's face.

The sheriff nodded seriously. “Nobody oughta be riskin' injury or worse. Fight yer battles by throwin' pies, and you'll save this world a whole lotta heartache.” Silver Star placed his hat over his heart with a skyward look. “Plus you won't be killin' yerself in the process!” He looked sternly at the dynamite strapped to the individual.

“Being covered in pie won't bring justice to infidels! Throwing pies won't earn me 72 virgins!”

Sheriff Silver Star returned a look of pitying humor. “Is that what this is all about?” The sheriff sighed and grinned before replacing his hat and smiling slyly back at the human. “Lemme give ya some advice about fillies, er, uh … females of pretty much any kind. Virgin or not, they all like a fella who's, well, lively, ya get me?”

The suicide bomber looked murderously at the gentlestallion, beyond words.

Doubting whether he was getting through to the human, Silver Star clarified, “… as in, not dead.”

Waiting for a moment, the sheriff saw no change and, sighing again, could only rub his temple with a hoof.

“Are you sure it's really necessary to talk to all the humans?” Spike, a lone voice of reason amid now two worlds of dubious rationality reasoned with the princess of friendship as they walked the bustling halls of their strange, crystal tree castle. It made sense to use the space to organize and keep record of the massive efforts under way.

“Yes, Spike.” Twilight answered confidently. “We aren't here to judge which human is better than which human. They all deserve the chance to learn about friendship.”

Spike looked annoyed at the ground.

The Rock looked quizzically at Maud Pie. “So you're a … small pony, like in a girls' TV show?”

“I don't know what a TV show is,” Maud monotoned, “but I am a pony. More importantly,” Maud continued, “you don't appear to be a rock.” The accusation would have been thick in Maud's tone if she had any desire to change it.

“The Rock is just my ring name. My real name is Dwa—”

Maud moved like a falling achondrite, in time to silence him with a hoof placed softly on The Rock's lips. “Tell me,” Maud's flat expression shifted subtly, and, smiling, her tone became less like granite and more like talc graphite, “Is there a Misses The Rock?”

The Rock looked nonplussed, but nodded.

Maud's smile didn't fade, and she leaned closer, her stony blue eyes half-lidded, whether with apathy or interest, only context might tell. “Would she like to see a show with you and a small pony?”

“Let's see.” Twilight leafed magically through a number of scrolls, summarizing the latest reports to her assistant. “Sweetie Belle encouraged Rebecca Black to follow her passions and be a little less nasal. Pinkie Pie lectured William Cosby on the responsible use of sedatives and chocolate pudding pops, and Rarity is still trying to get through to that Trump character. … We might have to escalate him to Princess Luna or Celestia.”

Spike nodded. “Hey, speaking of princesses …”

A pink princess with swirled mane sat across from a 60-year-old Warren Jeffs, his uniform orange like those of fellow inmates.

“You don't deny that you shunned your community members for not complying with restrictions, encouraging their family, your followers, to do the same, threatening them with disownment and the most severe faith-related consequences. You claim to lead a community that teaches loyalty, but you've been accused of philandery outside of the matrimonial bonds you've defined. Your own children claim you mistreated them and took sexual advantage of them while they were young. Despite all this, you still claim to be justified by the spirit of love?”

The man stayed silent for a long time until, finally, inhaling, he began to speak. “When I was little, I had a friend …”

Ten years later …

Twilight Sparkle awoke, bolting upright in a cold sweat. “Ahhh!” Her scream ended abruptly. “What a terrible nightmare!”

Author's Note

I'm clearly an expert in pop culture...

Oh hey, this is my first story to be rated Teen!