The Magic of the BLU Sandvich with RED Bonk!

by PonyManne215

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Dark, Octavia, Comedy
Length: 23657

Members of BLU and RED go to Equestria. Look at all the blood, the guns. Just look at all the hats!

While trying to take the other team's intel in the chasms of 2Fort, a cataclysmic event that is able to make members of both RED and BLU disappear, occurs. They wake up in a land unknown to them which appears to be completely inhabited by ponies, dogs, and other weird creatures. Will they continue to kill each other or will they learn to be temporary allies? Will they destroy Equestria or will they save it? Most importantly of all, will Rarity have enough hats?

Note: This is not a note, this is a warning of the spine-breaking and skull-melting hat collections and ridiculous moments in this story. You better pack some 50 year old popcorn, because you'll be eating jumper cables.

Published 2012-07-21 00:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-04 21:00:48 UTC

Why Must You Do This, Sandvich?

In this world that we call Earth, humans have come to understand the casualties of war. They have understood that it is an ultimatum, something that should only be used as a last resort. If all else fails, then war is inevitable. People fight wars for many different reasons, whether they be monetary ones, cultural conflicts, racial superiority or domination. Human beings have fought wars for as long as we can remember. Humans are not foreign to the concept.

If there is one thing for certain, it is that we do not enjoy it. The amount of lives that wars cost is staggering. Many of them reach the thousands and in extreme cases, the millions. War is a cruel thing. People are bled out, blown apart, set on fire, stabbed in the back, left to die, and slapped by fish wrapped in newpapers. The factors vary greatly. But again, we do not take war as a means of a past tim-

“BOOM! Headshot!” BLU Sniper waved his arm to the man who was sitting on a chair talking to a camera. “Thanks for standing still, wanker!”

The man, who was previously speaking on a documentary about the forces of BLU and RED, who fighting for a very long time, was dead. His head was separated from his body, perhaps even exploded from the sheer force of the Sniper’s..well, sniper bullet. The camera man tried to make a run for it but by the time he stood up, he was covered in a god-awful liquid that smelled much like one makes in the bathroom. The next thing that happened was a large blade came protruding out from his chest as he gasped his final breath of air.

BLU Sniper bowed his head in respect and took off his hat before putting it back on and proceeding back to his base. The obnoxious camera man with his enormous head fell to the ground with a loud thump. A RED Scout could be heard trash talking a bit of a distance away. The Sniper needed to get back to his base and refill on ammo and health packs. He passed by his team Medic who was suspiciously sitting in the corner. Sniper needed to check if he was alright.

“Oi mate! You don’t look so good. What r'ya doin’?”

“Ah, mein leg ist just a bit kaput. Don’t mind me…hehe..” BLU Doctor replied.

“Alright..” Sniper reluctantly turned his back and resumed his walk back to base. It was silent, too silent for a place like 2Fort. Something was amiss in this place....

“Surprise!” A French voice came from behind the Sniper.

Sniper turned around just in time for the RED Spy to miss with his knife. He quickly unsheathed his Kukri and swung it at the French Assassin. The RED Spy jumped back and dodged the attack. RED Spy jabbed with the small knife and managed to cut BLU Sniper on his cheek.

“Ya gonna bloody pay for that!” BLU taunted.

Sniper charged with his Kukri and lunged for his enemy’s midsection. It connected with nothing but air.

“Right behind you!” RED Spy exclaimed as he slipped behind the Sniper and brought his knife down.

BLU Sniper waited for the French Butterfly knife to come down on his back, ending his life and causing him to respawn due to Dell Conagher’s almost magical revival device. No one knew just exactly how the device itself worked, as neither did the opposing RED team. All they both knew was that it brought them back to life a few seconds after they died, weapons and armor still the same.

Some of the more philosophical team members such as the Medic and the Spy would try to garner some answers from the sophisticated Engineer, but the Texan never revealed his secrets. He always used the expression: “A good engineer never reveals his schematics.”

There were some theories that the revival device used some sort of cloning system and just brought copies of them back. But that was negated by the fact that they had the same memories as the previous life and they even remembered how they died. There was another theory that the device was powered by God himself, and he allowed them to keep on fighting for the rest of eternity for his amusement. Then again, that came from the religious Scout who grew up with a mom that raised him Catholic.

The final theory was that the device captured their souls, something that Medic believed was not real, and used some mumbo-jumbo magic that would bring them back to kill some more. These of course, were the drunk Demoman’s words, so who knows if it was even given thought.

But there was something that surprised the BLU Sniper. The blade never reached his back. He craned his neck, his vision following, and saw the RED Spy mangled on the floor.

“It is good thing I was here, no? Follow me, comrade. We shall get more bullets together!” The bloodthirsty BLU Heavy had just finished beating the RED Spy to death with his bare hands.

Sniper knew two things about his team. Actually, make it three. One, Pyro was the craziest bloke to have ever roamed the Earth. Two, Scout did not like the fact that RED Spy was sleeping with his mother, let alone having pornography pictures of her. And three, never screw with the big Russian when he wants bullets, seeks revenge for someone who tampered with his gun, or wants his Sandvich.

Sniper just motioned his hands for the Russian to go first. “Lead the way, mate.”

“I’m going to kill you, ya little American twig! Ya drank me last bottle of scotch. That was a gift from me mother!” RED Demoman was furious.

“Yeah yeah, stop crying like a little girl. It was just like a glassful anyway. So what’s the fuss?” RED Scout replied calmly in his Boston accent.

The Scottish explosives expert was not very happy. It was halftime at the moment, so no team was allowed to kill each other. They had to stay in their respective bases and take a ten minute break and relax. RED Spy, Medic, Engineer, and Heavy were all conversing on their next plans for the oncoming fight. Soldier was off standing like a statue, Sniper was sleeping, and Demoman and Scout were left together when Scout got kicked out of the room for bragging about slapping people with his fish.

“Did ye just say ‘What’s the fuss’? That’s like takin’ me heart out and stomping on it, ya whelp. Yer lucky I don’t have me potassium or else ya might be in pieces right now.” Demoman warned.

“Oh big deal, the big Scottish drunk is gonna blow me to pieces. Ohohoho, I’m so scared. Well you know what, buddy? You suck!” Scout was being cocky as usual. While he was slinging his Holy Mackerel around, as people from Boston like to talk with their hands moving, he loosened his grip and the stinky sea weapon landed right into Demoman’s eye patch.

“Uhhh…..” Scout was speechless.

A loud growl could be heard from the black Scottish Cyclops, as he like to call himself. It was actually pretty frightening seeing as how he was sober and could keep a serious face on. His whole body twitched, back and forth, before his lone eye went to meet the Scout’s gaze. “I’m gonna kill ya!” Demoman lunged over a table, his bottle in one hand and the other ready to choke the Scout.

Scout moved and started running. “Help! Someone help me! Crazy guy on the loose!!” Scout was screaming at the top of his lungs.

RED Medic stuck his head out of the meeting room and hushed the Boston baseball player. “Shh! We are trying to speak here, dummkoff! Pyro is not going to hurt you.” The German assumed it was Pyro, as he was the craziest person ever to have lived, and went back inside, slamming the door with a lock clicking right after.

“Oh shi-” Scout was stopped when a shoe flew right by his face. It seriously reeked, even more than when he would run a whole game around Dustbowl. The Scout turned his head to meet the attacker and gasped when he saw Demoman.

Demoman had his Chargin’ Targe with him, obviously intended to break a few of his teammate’s teeth in. “Let’s take this nice and easy…” Scout moved his hands to block his face.

“Take that!” Demoman threw his empty bottle at Scout, who ducked for cover the moment the Scot had moved his arm. It did make contact with something though, as a loud shattering noise and some groaning followed. Demoman and Scout looked at what the drunk had hit. And there, was the possibly worst person to hit with a alcohol bottle rubbing his head.

“Mmmmphhh!”

(Play until the scene shifts, marked by horizontal rule.)

RED Pyro quickly recovered from the sudden hit. He looked at the two teammates before him with a cold hearted stare. Even though he had no eyes for them to look at, the two could practically feel the flames burning them alive. Those two black dots were something that one should not stare at or be the victim of its stare. With a slow but fluid movement, Pyro grabbed something behind him. He felt along the wooden base and slowly brought it to his front. He felt along the metal edges of its top. He wiped his fingers along the inscription of the address on the side. He removed the dust that gathered on it and beheld the new red words that were visible.

'The Postal Pummeler'

The inferno loving monster stepped forward, a loud thump making itself heard throughout the hallway.

“If it makes ya feel any better, I’m sorry!” Scout apologized.

Pyro stepped closer, seemingly unphased by the Scout's futile pleas. He gave an eerie laugh as he looked at their frightened faces. His asbestos suit crinkled with his movements. The folds of his sides grew and creased with his steps.

“Yeah, I just hope we don’t get hit too hard by that thing!” Demoman forgave.

The Pyro stepped closer. He was now within weapon range as he looked at their bodies. He pointed to Scout who proceeded to point a questioning thumb at himself.

"Who me?! Nah, you don't want me! I'm...uh..gentle?"

“Huddah Huddah HUDDAH!” Pyro charged at Scout and Demoman, who closed their eyes.

"Ah! Ooh! Ow! My leg!"

"Me arse! Argh, me eye! He's punchin' me eye!"

“So, let us wrap up, gentlemen. Engineer will guard the briefcase. I shall stay in ze corners and backstab any intruders. Pyro, Scout and Demoman shall be offense. Soldier will guard as well, with Sniper covering them. And you and Heavy will ubercharge and guard ze middle, yes?” RED Spy concluded.

“Ja, sounds great!” Medic agreed.

“Alrighty, as long as Ah get to build the sentry, Ah’m dandy.” Engineer followed

“Da, we shall crush puny BLU.” Heavy jeered.

“I zink zhat ze announcer shall speak in…three…two…one…” Spy counted.

“HALFTIME OVER. SECOUND ROUND, BEGIN.”

“And zhere is our cue, collegues.”

“CHARGEEE!!” BLU Soldier yelled.

“Wait wait, holdup!” Scout stopped everyone’s charge. “So you’re tellin' me that I gotta stay in the back?”

“Yeah, got a problem?” Engineer questioned.

“Do not worry, puny man. We shall take the RED babies!” Heavy reassured.

“Yes, I shall sneak up on ze RED Medic and take him out of ze game before he can heal ze other Heavy.” Spy recalled.

“Yeah, and I’m gonna throw me Jarate so the big guy can take on their big guy.” Sniper cut in.

“Okay, this is, by far, the worst plan I have ever heard in my life. And lemme tell ya, I grew up on the mean streets of Bos-”

“We know!” Engineer slapped the slender runner on his head.

The door opening back to the large battlefield of 2Fort activated, allowing the BLU team to get to their respective places. Everyone except BLU Spy, Sniper, and Heavy went to guard the tunnel system underneath the place. Heavy stood in front while Sniper used his large Russian meat shield as cover.

“Oi! Don’t move too far away! They might see me!”

“Do not worry, Sniper man. I have this game in bag.” Heavy said.

“Shh! Do not attract unwanted attention.” Spy advised from his cloaked position. Upon revealing himself, he would be disguised as the enemy RED Medic using his Spytron 3000.

The sounds of Heavy’s loud footsteps filled the air while the two other stealthy others hid in his largely cast shadow. He began to rev up his favorite gun, Natascha. The cylinders began to whir loudly, attracting any unwanted attention from the RED team.

“You dumb bloke, you’ll get us all killed!” Sniper hissed.

“There is no babies, see! They are afraid to meet my gun.” Heavy taunted.

“Take that tough guy!” Screamed RED Scout from above. He shot his Scattergun at Heavy’s body, whilst Demoman charged at Sniper with his Eyelander. Pyro was tiredly limping after beating the hell out of his teammates. He wasn’t harmed, so he wasn’t healed by his German doctor. The other two, however, were healed after the fire-loving psychopath beat their teeth in with his steel mailbox.

“Mmmph…….hhh…mmph..” Pyro almost collapsed to the floor, leaning on the trigger of his flamethrower which almost ignited the hiding BLU Spy.

BLU Heavy was taking a lot of damage right now. He could feel himself starting to black out and die. He had taken many of the hits from the Scottish enemy’s two-handed claymore since the Sniper could not handle much of it himself. In an act of desperation, he pulled out his lover, his lifesaver, his wife.

“Sandvich! Omm nom nom, nom nom.” Heavy chewed lovingly on the healing food made of white bread, lettuce, ham, cheese, tomatoes, and lastly mustard. “That is delicious!” The hulking individual felt rejuvenated.

RED Scout took notice of this, as did Pyro. And so, Scout drank his Crit-A-Cola while Pyro prepared his secret weapon and focused on BLU Heavy. Upon another charge from the Red Demoman, BLU Sniper stumbled all over Heavy’s back and caused the Heavy to lose his grip on the half-eaten Sandvich.

“NOOOOOOOO!” Heavy was going to cry.

“Take this, ya knucklehead!” Scout taunted as he shot his Scattergun blindly, the enhanced bullets fusing with the magical sandwich.

At this moment, Pyro, who was busy preparing his Hadouken, launched his lethal attack of flames.

“Hudauda, huuuuuddaaahh!!!” Pyro exclaimed in a muffled voice as a large burst of flame that came from his gloves made contact yet again, with the Sandvich.

In all of recorded history between the forces of the Reliable Excavation Demolition and the Builders League United, there has never been a powerful force exerted on the ancient technologies of the Sandvich. Its actual properties are unknown to even the greatest minds. Its purpose was simple really, but they knew there was more potential to it, more raw energy.

The Sandvich is thought to be and probably is of alien or extraterrestrial origin. No one knows for sure what or who created the thing. People just know that Heavies use it as a means of healing themselves. But there is something more, something greater. For the item can be used to transport people between different worlds, dimensions, and even planes of existence. Who knew that an average looking food item used by a large ape was actually so powerful?

When the Sandvich was hit with both the RED Pyro’s Hadouken and the Scout’s critically charged shotgun spray, a large rift appeared. It was a perfect blend of colors really, a mix of blue and red. It was almost perfect. The waves emanating from the anomaly were fluid and the core was a pure black. It was a large suction cup to be more precise. Within seconds, the two opposing teams began to claw for anything on the ground to hold onto. The rift was pulling them in and a pain that was never before felt was being distributed throughout all of their bodies without relenting.

Of all people, RED Scout was the first to be pulled in. They saw it too. His legs were stretched to an unimaginable length as he bellowed for his mother. His body was quickly contorted to the slimmer length as well. Before long, his head and hat followed. And within minutes, his presence was no longer felt amongst them. The wind was like that of a tornado’s. BLU Spy was being dragged as well. His hold on the nearby corner loosened when he felt a tug on his foot.

“MMMPPHHH! MMMMPHH!” RED Pyro was frantic, not wanting to be sucked in as well.

"You are lucky zat we have zis problem at hand."

Spy was able to hold his postion, although it was a bit more difficult due to the new guest who was hanging onto his legs. One would be surprised that the slender Frenchman was strong. He would be able to hold on as long as another person doesn’t hol-

“Aay Laddie! Don’t leave me behind!” RED Demoman latched onto his teammate’s legs also.

And that was the point in which he could not hold any longer. BLU Spy lost his grip completely and they all got sucked into the portal.

“AAAAAAHH!” Heavy was crying that his precious Sandvich was lost. By crying, Heavy was more wailing than having tears roll off his face. In fact, it was hard to distinguish between him crying from sadness, joy, or just a plain old battle cry. But nonetheless, he was sad.

“Oi mate, tell me mum that I loved her. And tell me dad that he’s a bloody wanker!” Sniper gave a goodbye wink as his fingers slipped from Heavy’s boot. Heavy, not wanting to let his teammate go alone, released his large hands from his Natascha which was wrapped around a support beam. So Heavy, Sniper, and Natascha all went into the strange air discrepancy together.

RED Medic and Heavy arrived to the source of all the screaming.

“Vhat do you think just happened?” Medic asked.

“I have no idea.” Heavy replied.

Ponyville was in a state of relaxation. Winter-Wrap up was finally finished thanks to a special purple unicorn who had great organization skill. Thanks to her saving actions, Ponyville was actually able to wrap up winter on time. It was something that had not been accomplished in a long time. Due to her actions, Mayor Mare had a new vest made for Twilight; All Team Leader. Now that the cold was gone, the animals were woken from hibernation, and the birds were brought back to their newly constructed nests, ponies could take it easy.

Ditzy Doo and Lyra Heartstrings were spending the day together since Bon-Bon was busy on some family problems back at Fillydelphia.

“So, what do ya wanna buy, Ditz?” Lyra asked while moving around the marketplace with her mailmare friend.

“I dunno..Ooh! Wanna buy some muffins! Eeep!” Ditzy let out a childish squee at the thought of buying muffins.

“But we just got done buying muffins at those six other stores!” Lyra had spent the entire time buying different muffins from different stores. It was amazing how many stores there were for muffins; Muffin-Mart, Muffin King, McMuffin’s, Best Buyable Muffins, Uncle Ulysses, a branch of Daddy Dave’s, Mommy Melissa’s, and other stores that started with the same letter as the family member title.

“Oh alright..hey! Wanna buy muffin accessories? Stickland Muffins has a great muffin salesman there. Tank Mills. He is so funny!” Ditzy explained.

“How about we go to the library and look for some good books?” Lyra suggested.

“Okay!” Ditzy agreed.

Lyra shook her head in disappointment. “How that mare has a kid, I’ll never understand. She’s basically a kid, herself.” Lyra whispered to herself.

“What’cha say?” Ditzy heard her friend say something.

“Nothing! I said…I…like…muffins?” Lyra answered hesitantly.

“So do I!”

“I swear I’ll never understand her.”

“Okay Spike, is that everything?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Hold on….yep! We have the quills and parchments, the extra quills and parchments, the backup quills and parchments, and the backup backup quills and parchments.” Spike heaved with finishing listing the materials.

“What about the backup backup backup quills and parchments?”

“Oh shoot..” Spike forget to buy the last pack of materials for the backups to the backups to the extras to the originals.

“Looks like we have to go buy more..” Twilight reminded.

“Darn it.” Spike replied.

A loud knock at the door stopped their venture.

“Huh, I wonder who that can be?” Twilight asked.

Twilight Sparkle trotted to the door and used her magic to open it. The door, after being enveloped in a purple aura, flung open. Lyra and Ditzy stood at the doorway awkwardly.

“Hey Twilight, we were wondering if we could check out a couple of books.” Lyra inquired.

“Yeah, and then we’re going to buy more muffins!” Ditzy added.

“Sorry girls, but Spike and I have to go buy some things and we won’t be back for a while. Can you come back in say..an hour?”

“Okay, that’s fair enough.” Lyra accepted.

Lyra and Ditzy both left the library and made their way down the road towards the Ponyville pasture fields.

“So ready, Spike?” Twilight turned to her assistant.

“Ready.”

“So where are we going again?” Ditzy asked once again.

“For the tenth time in a row, we’re going to the fields outside of Ponyville and have a small picnic. I have no other ideas on what to do, so this is the best choice. Besides, we have all of these muffins.” Lyra explained for the ump-teenth time.

“Ohh…..okay.”

They trotted down the road leading outside of Ponyville. Soon, the thatch-roofed houses and buildings were no longer in sight and they were instead, met with the gaze of little critters and large meadows. They took a path off of the road and started to find a good spot to sit. Lyra moved around a little, trying to find the perfect spot under the sun.

Ditzy was confused as to the specifics of the spot but she just happily followed.

“..Hmm….Right here..nah…here! Yeah this is good.” Lyra planted her flank down on the grass.

“Okie dokie!” Ditzy accepted and planted her flanks down on the grass as well. “So what now?”

Lyra got into a comfortable position that looked like she was going to sleep or take a nap. “Now? Now we relax. Hopefully, we can keep this peace and quiet until Twilight comes back.”

Octavia was spending another day as per her usual routine; waking up, eating cereal, chatting with her roommate, Vinyl, and then going outside to the park to practice her music. It was tedious to say the least. It was repetitive, and speaking with Vinyl was a challenge in itself. Although they were great friends, they had so many things that contracted from the other. Octavia preferred more classical pieces while Vinyl liked contemporary beats.

Also, the bass blasting unicorn loved to eat so much! Octavia was refined, she was fanciful. Don't get her wrong, she can get down and dirty as much as the next pony, but she liked to present herself with a high amount of class and fortitude. She could even recall the time when she offered her sandwich to Vinyl when her friend was still hungry. Not a second later. Vinyl Scratch broke up into tears and said something about Octavia being "The nicest and coolest pony ever".

So, she took her cello, like every other day, and played her musical wooden instrument outside. Onlookers would pass by, giving her a smile, grin, and glance at her beautiful piece. Some of them would even give her money, although she had no need for such things. Another player in the park, one with whom Octavia got into many debates with, was Lyra Heartstrings. For a fellow player of harmonics, she really knew how to pull Octavia's strings. Her tolerance strings, that is.

Lyra was a great player, Octavia had to admit. But they were so different. Lyra was very shortcoming, meaning she was childish, ill-mannered, and overall worry-free. She cared for nothing trivial, like money, and paid more attention to old mare's tales, legends, and things of that sort. The only thing that kept her mind on Equestria had to be Bon-Bon, her friend and roommate.

And there Lyra was, sitting off in the distance with her friend, Ditzy, or Derpy by those more frank and obnoxious. From what the dark grey coated earth pony could tell, the two mares were having a picnic.

"It certainly is a nice day to have one...what in Celestia's name is that?" Octavia squinted her eyes as she saw something big, red, and strange approaching the unsuspecting friends. It was more of a blur to her, mostly because she was a far distance away. "I'm sure it's nothing.." Octavia began playing again but images in her mind flashed back and forth.

She saw Lyra and Ditzy being mauled by a bear, Manticore, Hydra, Timberwolf, and everything in between. She couldn't just leave those two alone with that strange blob. So she hastily threw her cello inside of the case and ran towards Lyra and Ditzy.

“Damn, my frickin’ head hurts. Any of ya got an aspirin or somethin’?” RED Scout asked.

“Stop crying like little baby, puny man.” BLU Heavy responded while rubbing his own shaved cranium.

“Where are we, gentlemen?” BLU Spy inquired.

“I have no idea. This place looks nothing like 2Fort or Turbines. Well, as long as I got me lass, Whiskey with me, I’m fine.” RED Demoman replied.

“I think my head is screwed on wrong.” BLU Sniper added.

The large group had just awakened from the events that occurred. They all had a splitting headache, their bodies were a bit numb, and they were low on morale. If they didn’t find their Medics soon, they might just collapse. They were peaceful due to their grogginess. But that quickly subsided when they regained their memories.

“You! Kill zem Heavy!” BLU Spy commanded.

“Why ya little..” RED Demoman started.

“Whoa whoa, hold on numbskulls. Aren’t we missing a guy here? More specifically, a crazy flame-retardant suit wearing, axe swinging, mumbling psychopath?” Red Scout stopped the immediate fight for a second.

“Da, it seems enemy puny man is right. Where is enemy Pyro?”

“Yeah, and where are we? This place sure doesn’t seem like any where I’ve been before. And I’ve been through the Outback, the Amazon, Africa, and just about everything in between. And I’ve never seen this place before in my life.” BLU Sniper commented.

“That just aboot describes my feelings, you wimpy marksman.” RED Demoman agreed.

“Hm..it appears we don’t know where we are, one of your men is missing, and we all have aches, numbing, pains, and everyzing in between. I hate to say zis, but we have to stick togezer for the moment.”

“Little Spy, are you sure this is best action to take? I rather take my Natascha and open fire on men.”

“Yes, I am sure.” Spy replied after a long silence. The BLUs and REDs has had a feud ongoing for hundreds of years. They were sworn enemies and were not so easy to lose a grudge. But desperate times called for desperate measures. Spy knew what he was doing, but he would keep an eye on the REDs, making sure to not fall for any tricks.

“Well alright then, lads. Let’s go find us a maniac, eh?” Demoman asked rhetorically.

They stopped their crusade when a loud growl came from behind them. The currently five-man team turned their attention to a towering creature with multiple heads, staring at them with drooling sharp teeth.

“Well I’ve never seen something like that in the Loch, I’ll tell ya that.” Demoman was nervous.

“Ay, me too..” Sniper followed.

“What is problem? Heavy can take puny dragon monster by self. Move out of way.” Heavy charged at the Hydra with his Natascha.

“That crazy bald bastard.” Scout muttered.

The Pyro. He is an unknown creature to those who acknowledge his existence. His gender is actually still unconfirmed as of the moment. Though he has the form of a masculine body, he has some very feminine traits as well. When embarrassed, he takes on a girlish pose and he also has a white flower purse. There are some theories that the Pyro is actually a robot or cyborg and the blood that he emits is actually synthetic.

Whoever thinks that he is a robot is mentally insane. There is another, darker theory for his origins though. Some believe he is actually something from Hell itself. Perhaps even Satan. His identity remains unknown. One thing is for certain though. He is one not to be trifled with. His mental situation is the subject that many are concerned about.

Some wonder if he truly does have a soul. He somehow finds joy in killing those around him. He blissfully expresses his content with a maniacal laugh or a muffled taunt. Even his own friends fear him. The German Medic, who had done many questionable actions in his past, fears him. If all fear him, then what stops him from taking over the world?

Every day, he sets fire to all things around him, whether they be enemy Spies, teammates, or just the world in general. What his past life was like, no one knows for sure. They know that he does act like he enjoys hearing the screams and yells of people being set ablaze. How does he think of his actions? How does he view the world in its entirety? How does he enjoy turning everything to ash?

Here's how.

“MMMPHH UHHH!”

Pyro raised his axe in the air happily as he saw the world he was in. It was like how he always saw everything at Dustbowl, 2Fort and everywhere else. The sky was a clear and bright blue. The clouds were white as snow. The sun was a bright golden yellow. And in the very far off distance, he could spot flying ponies like he always did back home. The grass was a green that was much better than the one in Pyroland.

The insane firebug skipped gleefully along the cobblestone road that he found himself in the middle of. His skips seemed to reach an all time high in this world. This place was so great. His friends and his baby friends on the BLU team could finally see what he saw every day. RED Engineer and Spy thought he was crazy when he wrote about his experiences in Pyroland and gave them it. But now, his team could enjoy the place.

He let out another giddy scream. “Huuddah huh! Mpphh mphh!”

He didn’t see any lollipops, gumdrops, or candy canes, but he knew there were some in the distance. What kind of place would look like this and not have candy? He jumped around, free of all troubles when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He turned his asbestos suit, his head in tow, and saw it.

He gasped loudly.

"Do you smell that, Ditzy?"

“Now that you mention it, yeah I do.”

“What is it?”

“I dunno. Never smelled that before in my life.” Ditzy shrugged.

“Okay..well whatever it is, I hop-”

“MMMMPPHH MMMPHHHH MPH!”

Ah-hem, Gentlemen

Author's Note: Sorry for the short chapter after such a long time, but a severe case of Writer's Block killed me. I'm back now, though, so expect the next chapter to be a medium size of 4k or more.

“Oi, mate. I think ya got his head all messed up.”

“Da, Natascha is good for smashing heads.”

“Hey yo, are we gonna sit here and watch the grass grow or what?”

“That’s a mighty big hole, lads.”

“I zink zat ze head is coming off.”

As one could tell from their dialect, all of the present members of the RED and BLU stood beside each other. The Hydra that had attacked them laid lifeless, all of its heads staring up at the sky. Heavy Weapons Guy, a big ape-ish Russian, and a surprisingly talented professor in literature, beat one of the heads in with his giant gatling gun. Apart from that, the others had taken part in as well. Sniper popped off a head, Demoman blew one to bits, Scout beat the living crap out of every single one, and Spy sat on a log, cleaning his knife.

“Now zen, are you all finished? I would like to go sometime soon.” Spy said.

“Oi, but these heads....they’re so big!” Sniper was marveling the lifeless corpse that once was a giant monster.

“Could ya hurry it up, lad? Ye got some bits stuck on your legs.” Demoman pointed out as he took a drink out of a bottle of Scrumpy. “Me head doesn’t feel right. I like it!”

Scout took this moment to take out his prized weapon. “Bonk!” He shouted as he slapped Demoman across the face with the wrapped up fish that was the Holy Mackerel.

Demoman, now being drunk with his favorite drink of all time, tipped over like a cow as the others shook their heads disapprovingly. Heavy went over and picked him up on his back, while Sniper punched Scout in the face. “Now we got a heavier load, you wanker.”

“You wanna piece of me, tough guy?” Scout said as intimidating as possible.

“Why I oughtta-”

“Ah-hem, gentlemen, we have enough problems to worry about. Put your petty squabbles aside so we can get to ze matter at hand. Where are we?” Spy began to twirl his knife around.

Sniper looked around. “Like I said mate, this ain’t the Outback. It’s somewhere I’ve never been in my entire life.”

“Da. Heavy has been all across Motherland. And I have never seen land like this.” Heavy added as he moved the unconscious drunk on his shoulder. Suddenly, he felt something warm on his shoulder. “What is this?” He turned his head to smell it, immediately recoiling and throwing Demoman to the ground.

“Filthy RED dares to pee on me!? Sniper comrade, kill puny man!” Heavy was furious.

“With pleasure..” Sniper smiled as he brought up his Machina.

As Scout was about to shoot his Scattergun, and Sniper his Machina, a loud girlish scream could be heard in the distance. Spitting on the floor, Sniper lowered his gun, as did the Boston runner.

“We’ll settle this later.” Sniper hissed.

“Fine.” Scout replied.

All of the guys, Demoman included who woke up after hearing the scream, sprinted towards the source of the noise, which appeared to be in the direction of the not-so-distant town just moments away.

It was silent, too silent. The thing. It was big and red for all she could tell. Just when she was about to get a good look at it, she suddenly felt being lifted up into the air. Lya struggled to get out of the thing’s grip.

“Let go!” Lyra shouted as she felt herself being tossed back and forth. Her mane was particularly being pulled.

“Mmph mmpphh! Mpph!” Pyro exclaimed as he took in the pony before him. It was much like his Balloonicorn, only this one was more colored, bigger, and could talk. The little mint green thing in his hand wriggled as he brought it closer to his face.

She looked like she was going to say something, but stopped when she looked into the two goggles that were an eternal abyss. There was nothing inside. She wanted to cry in fear, but suddenly she was grabbed by the forehooves as she looked at the weird creature share hooves with her.

She started to feel dizzy as the creature was spinning in a circle, her in its grasp. But those weren’t hooves, were they? No, they weren’t. Lyra had seen Spike, Twilight’s assistant many times. And the things that this thing had were similar to the small reptile’s hands. Except. these weren’t claw-like. They were round ended, and spidery. It would be fascinating to Lyra. But being twirled around like a blanket didn’t exactly let her concentrate.

“Ahhh!” She screamed as the masked assailant continued to spin in a circular motion.

“Hey, that looks fun!” Ditzy complimented as she jumped on them. Both Lyra, and the mysterious creature were next to each other, being laid upon by a ridiculous mailmare.

“Run, run Ditz!” Lyra pleaded as she held down the RED skinned being. Now that she had it in her grasps, she could see it more clearly. It was definitely wearing a mask. It had a fire emblem emblazoned on the shoulder. And there was a container of sorts on its back. Not to mention, it had an axe next to it.

“Huddah!” The creature pulled Lyra closer, wrapping its arms around her and spinning about on the floor. Was it hugging her?

She was about to look for her friend, Ditzy, when she heard an unfamiliar voice call out from behind her.

“Look! It is little Pyro man. What is that in his hand? No. Njet. It can’t be....Is little green pony! YEAAAAAHHHHHH!” Heavy shouted as he charged at Pyro and Lyra, picking up the mint green mare and doing the same exact thing that Pyro had done. “It is so tiny! Look at little cute tattoo! And....is horn? What is horn on head?” Heavy asked as he started to rub her horn.

“Get off me!”

“Little pony can talk! Is good day to be Heavy!” Heavy beamed proudly.

“You can talk?” Lyra was completely baffled at the weird creature’s ability of speech.

“Da. And little pony has brightened day. We must celebrate with Sandvich!” Heavy began to search his body for the edible thing. But he started to panic. Where was it? He began to lift his Natascha around, looking for the thing. But it was nowhere to be found. “Where is Sandvich!?”

“.....Sand...vich?” Lyra asked, still examining the weird thing in front of her. All the while, Ditzy just stood there, cockeyed as usual. She had remained still and quiet for the most part the entire time.

“Da! Is credit to team. Where are you, Sandvich?!” Heavy bellowed out as he cupped his hands together.

“What are you?!” Lyra questioned, burden in her eyes.

“I am human, little pony. What is pony’s name?” Heavy suddenly calmed down, helping up Pyro as he took his axe in hand.

“Lyra...” She hesitantly introduced, extended her hoof out towards the giant muscle-toned human.

“I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and this,” Heavy took his Natascha, caressing the barrels and kissing it. “Is my weapons. She weighs one hundred and fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar custom tool cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute.” He paused, moving closer to Lyra’s face, almost breathing in it. “It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon...for twelve seconds.”

“Okay.....” She slowly started to pull her hoof away, but was quickly frightened as a slick feel wrapped around her appendage.

“Mmphh. Mphh mph Mphh” Pyro introduced as he shook hand and hoof with Lyra, seemingly calm now.

“What did he say?” Lyra asked Heavy.

“No idea. Pyro is monster.” Heavy stated matter-of-factly.

“Monster?!” Lyra pulled back, moving away from the humans.

“He’s okay, Lyra. Sheesh, he’s harmless. He said ‘My name is Pyro’. He just wants to be friends. Isn’t that right, Pyro? You like muffins, don’t you?” Ditzy Doo suddenly explained, apparently understanding the monstrosity's mumbling.

“And who is this pony?”

“Ditzy! Ditzy Doo, muffin connoisseur, investor, and lover!” Ditzy said as she shook with Heavy.

“How did you understand him, Ditz?” Lyra asked as she moved behind the cross-eyed mailmare.

“You gotta listen, that’s all. See, move closer and hear him speak.” Ditzy pushed Lyra into Pyro, who in turn looked down at her and waved.

“Huddah.”

“.....I....understand you?” She paid close attention, like Ditzy had instructed, and heard him say ‘Hello’.

“What is on eyes?” Heavy asked as he pulled two bluish lenses off of Pyro’s goggles.

Pyro groaned in disappointment. His fun in Pyroland was over. The enemy team were no longer babies. His axe was no longer a giant lollipop, and his flamethrower was no longer a Rainblower. See, he had Saxton Hale use a resource of Australium to make the goggles, brightening his day from pain and death. But he used them too much, forgetting it was all a fantasy.

Then, he remembered. He jumped back and struck a battle pose, ready to cut into his enemy Heavy’s head. He pointed a finger at the big Russian and prepared to charge. “Huddah!”

“Wait! Little Pyro man!” Heavy tried to speak, but Pyro and already jumped high into the sky.

A red blur came by as Pyro connected with something. He looked and was baffled at his sight.

“Ya mind getting your axe outta my soda?” Scout asked as he lapped up the spilled contents.

“Huddah..” Pyro apologized as he pried out the metal-headed blade. “Huddah huddah huh?”

Scout pocketed the cut can, then looked at the mumbling maniac. “What? Oh, right, him. Well, we kinda stuck together to look for you, but now that we found you,” Scout grinned. “There’s nothing stopping me.”

Scout swiftly took his Holy Mackerel in hand and lunged at Heavy. But he heard a girl speaking from the sidelines. “Would you guys stop!?” Lyra yelled.

“Who? What? Where? A girl?” He started to whistle, flexing his small muscles afterwards. “Would you look at that? It’s beautiful.” He still looked around for that attractive sounding girl.

“That’s nothing!” Lyra said, right behind Heavy.

“Wh-what!? I-I don’t even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who you’re talking to? Do you have any idea, any idea, who I am?”

“Nope.” Lyra replied.

“Basically, kind of a big deal.” Scout proceeded to flex again. “Oh man,that’s beautiful.”

“Cooooool.” Ditzy admired as Pyro handed her a bubble blower.

“Thanks!” Scout said, thinking the nowhere to be seen woman was talking to him. “Are ya listening? Okay, grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and bruddah, I hurt people. I’m a Force ‘A Nature. If you were from where I was from, you’d be....be...be...what the hell is that?” Scout asked as Pyro lifted Ditzy up in the air.

Pyro lazily answered. “Mph Huddah.”

“What?” He moved closer.

“He said a pony. And actually, I’m a Pegasus. Hiya, mister, the name’s Ditzy. What’s yours?” Ditzy smiled at him, her eyes looking in opposite directions.

“Gah!” Scout backed away in disgust. “The hell’s with its eyes?!”

“Hey! I’m a mare, not an it! And this? It’s a medical condition...”

“And I thought that guy was a freak!” Scout insulted.

“Little puny man will not insult Ditzy pony.” Heavy held Scout up by his neck. “Is insult to me.”

“Whoa, whoa, big guy. Take it easy. No one’s gonna hurt anybody. So just...put me down...”

“NJET. You. Yes you. You are dead!”

“HALP!” Scout slapped Heavy’s face multiple times with his bare hands. “The fat bald bastard’s trying to kill me!”

Heavy was about to say something, but was interrupted by multiple voices.

“Mon dieu!”

“Oi, is that what I think it is, mates?”

“Ay, lads.”

Heavy turned his attention to Sniper, Spy, and Demoman. This, however, proved against him as Scout kicked him in the groin.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!” His pained scream from being kicked in a man’s pride echoed through the entire world.

Fillydelphia

“Did ya catch the game last night?” A Fillydelphian colt asked his friend. “It was the best one this year.”

“Nah, I was eating a cheese whiz sandwich with extra lettuce. You know, over at Geno’s wiches.”

“The stuff over there are pricey. Well, whatever. Let’s get this giant glass movin’. The boss is gonna kill us if we’re late.”

*Crash*

“That ain’t good.”

Canterlot

“Welcome to our dining shop, sir. What can I get for you today?”

“Why, the finest tea set you have, good sir. Put it under my account.”

“Why, of course, Mr. Pants.”

“Please, just call me Fancy.”

*Shatter*

“Oh dear.”

Back at the picnic field

“YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa....”

“You done?” Scout asked as he looked at Heavy with a cocky grin.

“Is he finished?” Lyra and Ditzy asked as they removed their hooves from their ears, sure that the sound barrier had been broken.

“I zink so.”

While Heavy had been singing what was basically an opera, the others were skeptical about the ponies, harmony, and all of that other kiddy stuff. But seeing as how Pyro embraced the idea, they no choice but to stay along, be in a temporary truce, and introduce themselves to the ponies.

Heavy slowly got up on his knees. He panted for a few seconds before giving Scout a death glare.

“Oi, big guy, can’t we take this somewhere else?”

“Njet!” Heavy started to move towards scout, but again was stopped by something.

“What’s the matter, mate?” Sniper inquired.

“Are you alright?” Spy asked with a look of some concern.

“That smell.......Heavy knows that smell.”

“Where is it coming from?” Sniper questioned.

“From that place there. It is strong now. I can feel it." Heavy explained as he pointed towards a small house.

“Hey, that’s Berry’s place!” Ditzy said.

“What is it?” Spy asked.

Heavy grinned. He looked at Scout and said “You are lucky, for now...” He turned back to the Frenchman, answering his question. “It’s Sandvich.”

Little Ponies Are Friends!

“Sooo boooorrreed.” Berry Punch dragged on as she lounged around in her house.

Contrary to popular belief from the others, Berry Punch had nothing to do with alcohol or wine. In fact, she never touched a single bottle her entire life. She did, however, pick berries to make wholesome fruit juice! But again, she peddled nothing that was harmful to one’s nervous system. That was something in the past, something that her family did, not her. It was the Punch tradition that all descendants take up a career in bar tending, winemaking, or beer selling. But Berry wanted nothing to do with that after seeing what it did to ponies.

And besides, she lived a pretty solitary life. Being a child surrounded by alcohol, Berry Punch always saw the worst in people. And when she was a teenaged girl, some colts tried to force her to do things. She was saved that day, by a lone orb. It was a dark brown sphere that floated around, shooting small purple orbs at the colts, which in turn caused the victims to disappear in a similarly colored vortex.

After that traumatic and unusual event, the brown sphere was never seen again. Berry Punch sighed, remembering the days of old. But she wanted something to happen already! Carrot Top was out working, so there was no fun there. And Bon-Bon said something about finding a job for rent. None of her fellow foods salesponies were available at the moment.

Being the bored mare that she was, she decided to do what any rational pony would in this state of boredom.

“Let’s see what we have in the fridge..” Berry Punch said as she opened up her refrigerator, scanning the contents inside.

In truth, she was a very lazy pony. Work was a drag, as she had to get up very early, picking the best fruits from the bunch, and squeezing them for their ripe tastes. And thus, she never bothered to go shopping over the weekend. In the fridge was a leftover pie, some ice-cream, and some rotten apples. She picked up the apples, scrunching up her nose, and disposed of them in a nearby trashcan.

“Ewww....What’s this?” She asked as she saw something in the back of the food container.

She moved it closer to her face, revealing what seemed to be a regular old sandwich. Except....wait a minute...is that meat?

Berry Punch did a double take as she examined the ingredients of the mysterious sandwich. It had all of the normal things; lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and an olive, also some mustard. But there was a pink slice of meat inside. It disgusted her that such a monstrosity would be inside her home. So she did the only thing she could, throw it out.

“Who the hay put that in here?!”

*Knock Knock*

Berry Punch put her thoughts aside and went to go answer the door. Who could it possible be at this time? Just as she neared the hallway, however, something stopped here.

*Crash*

“Incoming!!!!!”

The entire front door, no, section was smashed to pieces as a giant hairless ape in black and blu clothing charged through, carrying a giant pipe with multiple cylinders and a trail of gold needles.

“Where is Sandvich?!”

“Huh?” Berry Punch asked, confusion ever present in her mind.

“Little pony, where is Sandvich?!”

“What’s a Sandvich?”

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”

“What’s going on? I’m stupid?!” Berry Punch was sure she was dreaming. Either that, or her ancestors were cursing her for abandoning the family tradition.

“Oh hey, Berry.” A panting Lyra said casually.

“Hey....wait a minute, what’s going on?!” Berry quickly realized.

“Heavy’s trying to look for his Sandvich. Said something about it being the credit to his team.” Lyra explained.

“Who’s Heavy?! And what’s that giant thing in my kitchen?!”

“That’s Heavy! Well actually, he is Heavy Weapons Guy, and that,” Lyra pointed to Heavy’s Natascha. “Is his weapon. It weighs....something...and it fires...something..I forget, but it costs four hundred thousand bits to fire it....for an hour?” Lyra’s recollection was a bit hazy, mainly in due to the fact that Pyro had somehow pulled out a hairbrush and was playing with the musical mare’s mane.

“You know him?” Berry Punch raised an eyebrow, then she cringed as a breaking sound emerged from the kitchen. Heavy had just started throwing all of her dishes everywhere.

“Well, I actually just met him and the others a few minutes ago. Even though they are weird, they’re pretty nice guys, I think...Ditzy!” Lyra called.

“Yeah?” Ditzy answered from outside. She flew inside and greeted Berry Punch.

“What are the others doing?”

“Let me see,” Ditzy replied, peeking her head out of the door. “Spy is....crouching on the ground, looking up to the sky and throwing his hands out. He looks like a crab.” She commented.

“It is ze ancient French ways, madame!” Spy said, still doing his daily dosage of Spy-Crab exercise.

“Sniper’s....sleeping.” Ditzy informed.

Sniper was leaning against a lamp post, his hat tipped downwards, covering his eyes. He was snoring but quickly snorted and stumbled upon the mention of his name. “Oi, you called, Sheila?” He asked, moving his hat up a bit to see the two derped eyes not looking at him. “Never mind.” Sniper went back to his nap.

“I have no idea what Scout is doing..”

Scout was hitting a pole with his Atomizer, saying “Bonk” multiple times.

“And.....Pyro is playing with a small torch....what is that?”

“Huddah.” Pyro replied blankly, flicking on his lighter.

“A lighter? Anyway,” Ditzy continued, looking back at the two ponies. “They’re just messing around.”

“Well that’s goo- wait a minute, where’s Demoman?”

“LET’S DO IIIIIITTTT!” Demoman shouted as he rushed inside, jumping through a window and stepping on the glass shards. “Not one of you’s gonna survive this!” Demoman charged at Berry Punch, raising his trusty old bottle of endless Scrumpy. “Bloody hell!” And just as he was about to strike, he fell on a nearby conveniently placed banana peel.

And with his rampage out of the way, the drunk Scot fell to the ground with a yelp. “I think I broke a rib.” He then proceeded to belch for a full on seven seconds.

“Ignore puny Demoman, where is Sandvich, little pony?!” Heavy was furious.

“You mean that sandwich I saw in my house earlier?” Berry inquired.

“Da! I can smell it.”

“It’s in the trash?!”

“What?!” Heavy put his weapon down, tossing the garbage can upside down until the life saving food came out. “Oh my god, who touched Sandvich?! Who touched my food?!”

“Sorry.” Berry quietly apologized. “I didn’t know it was that important.”

“You! Yes, you! You are dead!” Heavy pocketed the Sandvich and moved towards Berry Punch. “Heavy does not hurt defenseless creatures. But you hurt Sandvich, is unacceptable!” Heavy punched Berry, killing her as he body was flew towards the wall. An audible crack sound was made as her flesh connected with wood.

“What are you doing” Berry asked from the side.

“What? But I hit little pony!” Heavy said.

“Oui, you hit a little pony. Me.” Spy answered, uncloaking from his Dead Ringer. “It is impeccable at how idiotic you are.” Spy proceeded to pull out a smoke and light it, smoking and exhaling a huge puff of smoke in the Russian gargantuan’s face. “I disguised myself as that one, you think I will allow your stupidity to doom us? We must get home, the RED Medic awaits.” Spy wanted to return back to his battle with RED, as the RED Medic was his favorite target. That way, the enemy Heavy would think the Spy was a real Medic, thus allowing the assassin an open chance for an easy kill.

“Thanks,” Lyra, Ditzy, and a frightened Berry spoke from the side.

“It is no problem, mon cherie, just don’t enrage him again. I would hate to see what would happen if he did kill you.” Spy waved off.

“You are lucky, little Punch pony, Heavy will spare you for now. Do not touch Sandvich again!” Heavy warned.

“Well, now that we have Heavy’s Sandvich, I think we should bring you to Twilight. She’d know what to do in this situation the best." Lyra advised. “Although...she was going to buy something the last time me and Ditzy saw her."

“Zen I shall go and find her. Stay here, watch ze ozhers, and keep zem from fighting.” Spy commanded.

“You don’t even know what she looks like!” Lyra and Berry added.

Spy chuckled. “A good Spy knows his target. I will be back.” Spy cloaked himself, causing the ponies to look around in confusion.

“Is Spy, he can be invisible.” Heavy explained.

The mares made a collective “Oh”, still some doubt remaining in their minds.

Spy was taking his sweet time, the Cloak and Dagger allowed him to remain invisible for an eternity if he moved at slow paces, standing still for the advanced Australium powered device to work its magic. But he heard some very frantic hoofsteps behind him.

“Where did Lyra go?!” A British voice asked.

The Frenchman turned around to be met with a grey-coated mare, a musical note present on her flank. The large cello case wrapped on her back caused her much exhaustion.

“Perfect.” Spy whispered as he moved around a corner, using his Spytron 3000 to disguise as the mare. It dispensed a mask of the mare, who had light purple eyes and a black mane. He stood up to his full height, positive that when others would look at him he would appear to be a pony on her fours.

He casually walked into the market, looking for this ‘Twilight’. He felt some hooves wrapping around his legs.

“Hey, Octy, what are ya doing out here?” A white-coated mare asked, looking through two blue tinted goggles. “Why the long face?”

“I am,” Spy stopped, as his voice was still that of his deep, male, own. He coughed, and then spoke again. “Terribly sorry, I’m busy at the moment.” He spoke in Octy’s voice.

“Tave,” The mare began. “I told you I got the rent covered. Just give me a few days, the party still needs to get ready.”

“That’s fine.” Spy responded, trying to move away.

“Where are you going that’s so important that you can’t talk to your best friend, Vinyl?”

“I have to find Twilight, maybe you’ve seen her?” Spy asked.

“Hm...Twilight, oh yeah, she’s at the quills place!” Vinyl Scratch remembered.

“Thank you.” Spy made his way to what he presumed to be a quill store. Of course, it was perhaps the only one in this town, but he had a hunch this was the right place. Pushing the door open, he found a very amusing scene playing before him.

“What do you mean you’re out of quills?! For pony’s sake, this is a quill store!” Twilight Sparkle was practically smoking, as white columns were spewing upwards from her lavender ears.

“Twi, we bought the last batch last time, remember?” Spike tried to calm his adoptive older sister down.

“So?! This is a place that only has one item for sale. You’d think they’d always have a giant stock!” Twilight reasoned.

“Now, ma’am, I can assure you, there is a new shipment tomorrow morning, and I’ll have the first box just for you.” The salespony interrupted, beads of sweat falling down his face. A crazed librarian mare was not part of his job description.

“You better, or I’ll have this place dismantled!” Twilight was furious. Not only was this stop a useless one, but the look for inkwells proved futile as well. “What do you want, Octavia?”

Spy guessed that the mare was talking to him. “Ahem, I am in need of assistance at an establishment nearby. Please follow me.”

“Follow you? I don’t have time for your musical needs, Octavia. The library is unattended right now, perhaps another time?”

“No.” Spy said in his own voice. He grabbed Twilight by the horn, ready to drag her if he had to, but something stopped him. As his Cloak and Dagger made contact with her horn, a bright spark appeared between the two items.

Twilight’s eyes began to glow as she rose into the air. A disco-like spectrum lit up the entire store. Suddenly, the vast rays of pure white converged on one position, Spy’s face.

“Mon dieu!”

Spy tried to block his precious face, but the light pierced through his arms and a distinct ripping sound was made. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Spy lowered his arms to see what happened. And there, in front of him, was the paper mask of Octavia, ripped in half and floating towards the ground.

“Zis is not good.”

Spy looked up, being met with two sets of questioning stares from the librarian and her assistant. The store owner had run off the moment the light filled the room, so it was just those three right now.

“What are yo-”

Just before Twilight could finish her question, Spy fled, leaving the two doors flapping in his wake. Twilight turned to Spike as he asked, “What do we do now?”

“Get him!”

Spike jumped onto Twilight’s back, bracing himself for the likes of which speed that he had only seen when Twilight really wanted to study something.

“Get the hay back here!” Twilight called after the strange blue bipedal creature.

“Au revoir!” Spy shouted, pushing ponies, young and old alike, out of his way.

Twilight wasn’t going to give up that easy. She decided that a stun spell would be the best course of action now. She clamped her eyes shut in concentration as the distinct hum noise followed suit. Before long, she fell a bit drained as the bolt of yellow light smacked right into the blue thing. He fell to the ground, frozen in place.

“I got you!” Twilight examined the thing, but it disappeared quickly after she touched it with a hoof.

“Nice try, girlie!” Spy taunted, successfully tricking her with his Dead Ringer.

“Wow.” Twilight had never seen a creature who could not only disguise itself, but make fake copies as well. She needed to get this thing strapped into a chair....along with some surgical equipment. She continued chase, the escapee bobbing around corners to which she followed. It was the same old bait and switch every time until he finally came to a halt.

“Thank you for following me this far, mademoiselle. We have arrived at ze destination.” Spy bowed before her.

“What’s going on?” Twilight was befuddled.

“If you would be so kind as to follow me,” Spy pointed to a building with a giant hole at the front, along with a broken window on the side.

Twilight reluctantly followed, much to the chagrin of her assistant who managed to keep his breakfast down, despite having been tossed around like a ball.

“More little friends? Come, come meet Sandvich! Sandvich is best friend!”

Twilight was suddenly swept up into a hug, Spike included. And they were choked to death by a giant mass of which they’d yet to see.

“Finally, you got here, we've been waiting forever!”

“Lyra?”

“And me too!” Ditzy added enthusiastically.

“What in the name of Celestia are these things?” Twilight’s curiosity got the better of her.

“Humans, well that’s what they said, anyway.” Lyra answered. “But I think it’d be better for them to explain.”

“And which one is their leader?” Twilight asked, eyeing all of the so called ‘humans’ in the room. Currently, there were five present.

“Zat would be me,” Spy came out from behind her, causing the purple unicorn to recoil in surprise. “You may call me Spy. We would very much like to talk you and your leaders.”

“Well, Mr. Spy, I’d love to do that but we need to access your full situation here. First and foremost, what’s you jo-”

“Twi, should we call the others for this?” Spike asked, thinking Applejack and the others should be here for this.

“You may be right, Spike. Send a message to each of them!” Twilight said, nodding her head in approval.

“Um...we don’t exactly have anything to write with, let alone on.” Spike commented.

“Hey yo, don’t worry fella. I got this. Now where was that bag...” Scout stopped screwing around with the collection of knives that Berry Punch had. He cut his fingers a few times, in turn, he was still sucking the said self-inflicted injuries.

He searched through his backpack, occasionally throwing something at the others. “Soda Popper...another Soda Popper, damn duplicates. Mad Milk......where was it?” Scout asked no one in particular. “Yo Pyro, take this,” Scout threw an item to Pyro, causing the inferno loving monster to scream in delight. Pyro had lost his last Brigade Hat in a fight at Doomsday. He put the fire fighter hat on, despite being a firebug, himself. “Here it is!”

Scout pulled out a long pole out of a surprisingly small bag. Then, a brown wooden square appeared on the end, having a message sprayed on the front. the Conscientious Objector’s message read “Stop the Gaben”.

“What’s a gaben?” Ditzy asked.

“Nothin’.” Scout replied, wiping off the message and writing a new one on with a black marker. “Wait a sec, what do you want it to say?”

“All Elements please come to Berry Punch’s house.” Twilight informed.

“Gotcha...All Elements...please.....come to.....Berry Punch’s house..” Scout read each word out loud. “Here ya go little guy. Now, yo Berry, you related to my Bonk! Atomic Punch or what?”

“Bonk Atomic what?” Berry Punch asked.

“Bonk! Atomic Punch. Ya know, this?” Scout pulled out his Bonk! Atomic Punch, handing it to the raspberry colored earth pony and giving her a taste.

She sipped slowly, then going to a full on chug upon getting a good taste. She wiped her mouth with her hoof. “That’s great!” She felt like she was air. She started to run around, going from her normal speed to that of a griffin. When she finally stopped, her newfound energy gone, she looked at the other ponies who had their jaws wide open.

“What?” She asked causally.

“You just...” Lyra began.

“Ran around the house...” Twilight continued.

“Over 9000 times!” Ditzy shouted in an excited tone. The other two girls looked at her, causing her to blush and kick at the ground. “Okay it was 50, but still!”

Berry Punch guffawed at their ridiculous statement. There was no way soda could make her go that fast, right? She looked to Scout, who was grinning the entire time.

“And that’s Bonk! Atomic Punch for ya.”

“They’re not lying?”

“Nah, you did pretty good. For a rookie. My first time, I ran 200 laps around the Gulch.”

With that, Spike blew a trail of fire, causing the object to go to the Elements. Pyro gasped, or at least it sounded like he did, and ran over to the baby dragon.

“Huddah huh huddah huddah huddah huh!” Pyro said.

“I don’t understand...”

“He said that you’re his new friend, and you’ll make fire together.” Ditzy translated.

“Oh..cool.” Spike tried to act casual, but then slipped on a nearby banana peel.

It was back to the awkward silence again. And who’d have guessed it, Twilight decided now was the perfect chance for some noteworthy facts.

“So, where’d you learn to speak Equish?” She asked, using a spell to magically transmute that pesky banana peel into a notebook.

The humans, who were sitting on multiple chairs on the side opposite from the ponies and the dragon, began to take turns to answer.

“I learn from employer, Saxton Hale. Is glorious man! He fight polar bears with Heavy in winters of Siberia, he teach to speak English.” Heavy explained.

“English, is that what you call it?”

“Da. I talk bad in English, is not so good. But I am professor in literature in Russia! Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe,” Heavy sniffed hard. “Maybe. I have yet to meet one who can outsmart bullet.” Heavy took one of the bullets in his bandolier belt and shoved it in Twilight’s face.

“Okay...” Twilight scribbled some notes down.

“What about Saxton Hale? He eats bullets, mate.” Sniper reminded.

“Da. That is true. But he is no man. He is..” Heavy whispered in Sniper’s ear.

“Oi, that makes sense.”

Twilight and Ditzy took an interest in Sniper, mainly because he wasn’t as talkative or silly compared to the others. He was calm, and he was old. Well, to Twilight he looked old, and his face was longer than the others.

“What do you do, Mr. Sniper?”

Sniper looked around the room, pointing his thumb towards his own body. “Ya talking to me?”

“Yes.” Twilight answered.

Sniper sighed, taking his hat off and creasing the edges. Ditzy flew from her chair, her giant head in the Australian’s face. He took his right hand, and flicked her on the nose, causing her head to bob and her body to flinch. “Boom, headshot,” He chuckled and turned back to answer the mare.

“Sniper’s a good job mate. Challenging work, out of doors. I guarantee you’ll not go angry, cause at the end of the day, long as there’s two people left on the planet,” Sniper said as he pulled out a snapshot of RED Heavy. “Someone is gonna want someone dead.”

“But wouldn’t that make you a crazed ‘gun’ man?” Twilight inquired.

“Yeah...yeah I’m y-... not a crazed guman, girl, I’m an assassin.”

“What’s the difference?” Ditzy asked.

“Well, the difference being one’s a job and the other’s a mental sickness. And I’ll be honest with ya. My parents do not care for it.”

“Don’t you get bad feelings after killing so many others?” Lyra suddenly cut in.

“Feelings?! Look mates, you know who has a lot of feelings? Blokes that bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards: Be polite, be efficient, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.”

And that right there, made Twilight wish she had never pried open. She quickly scribbled down a note to herself. Never be stuck in a room with Sniper.

Now that her mood of hearing their past was killed, she wondered when the others would get there already. And perfect timing could not be more evident, as the sounds of hoofsteps coming closer filled the air.

“Howdy Twi, we got yer message and came as soon....as......possible?” Applejack looked up at the giant creature before her.

They locked eyes for a moment before Twilight broke their gaze. “Finally Applejack, we were waiting for a while now. Meet Pyro, Heavy, Sniper, Scout, and Spy.” Twilight introduced.

“What in tarnation?” Applejack gave a distrusting look at Heavy, who responded by smiling and waving.

“Eeep!” Fluttershy screamed as she ducked behind her apple-bucking friend.

“Look at them! They’re so funny looking! Ooh! I know! We have to throw a ‘You guys are funny looking, please don’t eat us’ party for them! What’s their favorite color?! Is it blue? Red? What? Oooh I can’t wait for them to come by Sugar Cube Corner. And then we could bake some cupcakes! I mean, who doesn’t like cupcakes. They’re like the best thing to have been made, like duuuuhhh.”

“Mmmphh! Mph mpph mph mmmmpphh mphh.” Pyro answered.

Pinkie gasped loudly. “You like pink too?! That’s super! Super duper scooper tooper looper cooper! I like the azure pink, or even the strawberry pink, how about you? Ooh, do you wanna color my room a new shade with me? It’s going to be so fummmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm m mmm” Pinkie’s constant rambling was stopped as Twilight inserted her hoof into the babbling mare’s mouth.

“Please Pinkie! Anyway, where’s Rainbow Dash and Rarity?”

“They’re busy, Twi. They said they’d come later. Just wait a jiffy.” Applejack sighed, then remembered she was in a room full of monsters. “And back to these things. What in the hay are they?”

“Humans.” Lyra repeated it like it was a mantra or something, or something that she was well-known for being associated with.

“Humans?” Fluttershy whispered.

“Humans.”

“Fluttershy, they won’t harm you!” Twilight screamed, annoyed by her friend’s timid nature.

“Do not worry Apple pony and Flutter pony, Heavy is nice guy. And we all are friends with Sandvich, right?” Heavy asked, waving Sandvich back and forth in their faces.

Applejack raised a curious eyebrow, while Fluttershy peeped. “Come here,” Heavy picked both up in his arms. “See? Heavy is friend.” Heavy tussled their manes, then put them down.

“....Twilight, are these guys dangerous?” Applejack almost asked it like it was a statement, not a question.

“Well...they are dangerous, but so far, they’ve been pretty friendly for all I’ve seen.”

“Well then,” Applejack turned around, moving her hoof towards her Stetson to tip in respect. “Nice to meet cha, y’all. Mah name’s....what in tarnation?!” Applejack never felt her hat on her head. “Where’s mah hat?!”

“Oi mate, that’s a snazzy cap ya got on there. I’ll trade ya the Ushanka I found for it.” Sniper bargained, patting Heavy on the back and eyeing his newfound hat.

“Njet! New hat is comfy. It fits Heavy’s shaved head. And Sandvich finds it fitting. Is gift from Apple pony.” Heavy tilted the hat around until it fit just right on his head. Applejack’s Stetson was definitely something he took pride in wearing.

“Hey, that’s my hat, ya thieving varmint!” Applejack shouted as she jumped up, taking her hat back.

“Did Apple pony not give hat to Heavy? In Mother Russia, girl gives their hat to new friends. We are friends, no? Heavy reasoned.

“Well...I guess...wait a sec, you’re lyin’! I’m the Element of Honesty and that right there is somethin’ off the charts! Nice try, Mister!” Applejack realized.

“Suka. Apple pony caught Heavy on lie...will you trade for this?” Heavy handed her a Dalakohs Bar.

“Chocolate? Why would I give mah family hat for chocolate?”

“Njet, is not chocolate. Is lunch, and it gives more power to eater. Take it, I will give you something else as well.”

“No thanks, mah parents taught me not to take candy from aliens.” Applejack declined.

“Ya gonna eat that?!” Pinkie suddenly appeared on Heavy’s back. She opened her mouth wide and ate all of it in one bite, Heavy’s massive hand in her mouth.

“Pinkie pony eat Heavy’s hand. Help! Help me, Doktor!”

“He’s not here, remember?” Scout added.

“Da...Heavy misses Medic. He is only man with tool that outsmarts bullet.”

“Hey, speaking of...where’s Demoman?” Lyra asked.

As if on cue, another window was smashed open. “Let’s do it!”

“Didn’t you try and fail at that earlier?” Berry Punch’s words bored into Demoman’s mind.

He started to tear up a bit. “I did what I could.” He took his Scrumpy and took a big swig from it. After that, he sat at a nearby table as Berry Punch sat down next to him.

“What do you do?” She was genuinely interested in hearing a drunk’s past. She had her fair share, after all.

“If ya can’t tell, lass, I’m a Demoman. Always have, always will. My family has been doing it, and I followed.”

Berry Punch knew what that felt like, being expected to follow family traditions. But she never went with it, as opposed to Demoman. So, full of pride and being cock-sure, she asked him, “What makes you a good Demoman?”

As Demoman was about to drink, the question caught him off guard. He eyes her with his one eyeball, giving her the most menacing death glare he could.

“What makes me a good Demoman?! If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn’t be here, discussin’ it with ya, now would I?!”

“He makes explosives.” Sniper shouted on the far side of the room.

“Ay, one crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chloride, one errant twitch...and KABLOOEY!” Demoman took his bottle and drank it.

“So...” Berry Punch began.

Demoman continued to drink, showing no signs of stopping or relenting. His eyes remained closed, blissfully chugging everything.

“Like..do you..”

Still, Tavish DeGroot drank on, ignoring the entire world around him. And Pyro moved from his seat with the others to come over and give some moral support to the drunk, emotional, Scottish wreck that was Demoman. Finally, after drinking a copious amount of alcohol, Demoman finished as he slammed the bottle onto the table, causing an audible clink to ring in Berry Punch’s ears.

“I got a manky eye. I’m a black Scottish cyclops! They’ve got more mmmmm mmmmmmm mmm mm m mmmmmm mmmm monsters in the Loch Ness than they’ve got the likes of me.” Luckily, Pyro used his glove to cover Tavish’s mouth before any profanities corrupted the ponies’ ears.

Demoman was about to drink again from his now-empty bottle, but he saw the other humans, along with the ponies, giving him a pitiful look. He put the bottle down and addressed them. “So! T’all you fine dandies, so proud, so cock-sure, prancin’ aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me, I say! I’ll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the ol’ brimstone. I’m a grim bloody fable, with an unhappy bloody end!”

Demoman started to laugh manically. “Hahaha! They’re going to have to glue you back together. IN HELL!” With his final words, he pushed on his chair backwards, causing it to tip over and he hit his head on his bottle, rendering him unconscious.

“Why was he talking to my windows?” Berry Punch asked confusedly.

“I don’t know, but we have to pass time as I go and write a letter to the Princess. Get these guys situated. And I want a home for each of these ponie- humans so pair up!” Twilight and Spike began to leave, receiving goodbyes from everypony and everybody.

“Well, I guess I’ll take care of this guy,” Berry Punch slapped the unconscious Demoman a few times. “Since he’s out cold.”

Sniper was about to leave to go live in the forest, being forever alone, when something unexpected happened. “Let’s go, Sniper!” Ditzy exclaimed gleefully.

“Big head Sheila? Are you serious?” He asked, not sure if the mare was joking or not.

“As serious as I am about muffins,” Ditzy moved her face closer to the Australian, almost breathing in his face. Her happy demeanor changed to a almost Spy-like one. “And I love muffins.”

“Alright...” Sniper scratched his head, reluctantly leaving with the mailmare.

“Hey, what’s this? Is it lemonade?” Ditzy asked.

“Wait! No! Don’t!”

“Pfft! Pffft! Pla! Ewww! That wasn’t what I think it is, is it?!” Ditzy spat out the nasty tasting liquid.

“It is..don’t touch my Jarate again.”

“Heavy will go with Apple pony!” Heavy decided all on his own.

“What?! Heck no! Who said Ah approve?!” Applejack gave him a bemused expression.

“Sandvich.” Heavy stated matter-of-factly.

“If..I..um, if you don’t want to, I can...take him...” Fluttershy whispered.

“Little Flutter pony is new best friend!....After Sandvich, that is.” Heavy picked up Fluttershy and put her on his shoulder, walking out of the front hole of the house. Applejack followed her Pegasus friend.

“Bye guys, I gotta get going. Bon-Bon must be worried sick!”

Lyra began to trot away but she heard that distinct crinkling noise from behind her. “No, Pyro, you can’t go with me either.”

“Huuuuudddaaaah!” Pyro begged.

“Nope.”

“Huddah huddah?”

“Nuh-uh.”

Pyro got on his knees, folding his hands together, and begged.

“No.”

Crash and burn, as Pyro fell to the ground, heart stricken with grief. Lyra left for her house, leaving Pyro all alone.

“Hey, Spy, wanna go and play hide-and-seek with me back at Sugar Cube Corner?”

“No.” The Frenchman replied.

“Aww come on, we’ll do it Pinkie Spy style!” Pinkie begged.

“No.” Spy repeated.

“I’ll give you my chef hat if you win!”

“Lead the way.” Spy suddenly agreed.

“But what about.....me.” Scout was forever alone. Demoman had someone. And come to think of it, Pyro was alone too. Maybe he could... “What the?” Pyro was nowhere to be seen. So again, Scout was forever alone. Pinkie Pie disappeared in a flash, while Spy has used his Cloak and Dagger. So only if Scout had some fast pony that would run with him....Scout took a drink of his Bonk! Atomic Punch, which had miraculously been filled up by itself.

“Take this!” A tomboyish voice called out from above.

With the enhanced reflexes from his soda, Scout quickly took his Atomizer in hand and swung, hitting a fast cyan ball that came right at him with a rainbow streak right behind it.

“AAAAAHHH!” The ball screamed as it was smacked into the sun. With a closer look, Scout saw that what he hit wasn’t a ball...but a pony!

“Aw snap.” Scout ran after the runaway Pegasus going 169 miles an hour.

“What do you mean a ‘human’ disguised as me?!”

“I told you, Octy. You have to believe me, I saw another you!” Vinyl Scratch pleaded.

“She’s right, Octavia. Those things that you saw were probably the humans. One of them is able to pretend to be other ponies.” Twilight informed.

“Where is he now?!” Octavia was furious. It was not fun to have someone steal your likeness and tarnish it with stupidity and bad deeds. Octavia was a refined and respectable pony, and nopony or ‘human’ was going to mess with that. She had more than a few things to say and do to this ‘Spy’, one of which included an earth pony buck to the groin.

“Let me check...” Twilight used a location spell, her horn glowing in a bright purple as a mirror appeared before them. “He’s at Sugar Cube....Corner..” Princess Celestia’s personal student looked up to find a trail of dust left at her door and a nervously laughing disc jockey tousling her mane.

“Sorry about that.” Vinyl apologized. “Come back Octy!”

Lyra Heartstrings reached her home. as she opened and closed the door behind her, she sighed, relieved to be done with today’s events. It was tiring to meet a pack of aliens and talk with them. And Lyra found it surprising she had not gone into shock or at least faint when she first saw them. And maybe she was too harsh on Pyro....nah.

Bon-Bon would flip if Lyra brought home a stranger, let alone an alien. So it probably was in her best interests to deny Pyro a new home.

“Bon-Bon, you home?” Lyra asked aloud.

She received no response, but the pipes were running, so Bon-Bon was probably in the shower. Lyra went upstairs, the staircase creaked with each step. As she reached the top, she looked into the hallway and saw the bathroom door open. Bon-Bon must’ve forgot to lock it. After all, the smell of her candy perfume was making the sea-green pony’s mouth water. Lyra loved her sweets, and living in a home with a candy-maker was like a dream come true. Maybe Bon-Bon brought her taffies from work!

“Bon-Bon, you left the door open!” Lyra shouted over the noise of the shower head inside the bathroom. She tried not to peek in but Bon-Bon was never this quiet. Maybe she was in a bad mood? “Bon-Bon?” Lyra peaked in and saw the entire room filled with steam. It was hard to see anything in this state.

She moved closer to the shower, seeing the curtains drawn. She heard the squeaking of Bon-Bon’s favorite rubber ducky inside. Why Bon-Bon had a rubber ducky, she never knew. But that aside, she even saw the shadow form of Bon-Bon through the curtain. Well, it was more of the head, but still. She was even wearing the shower cap she always put on before even turning the water on. “Bon-Bon?”

Lyra slowly pulled the shower curtains to the side. Her eyes widened with each passing inch and second. The shower occupant raised its arms in embarrassment, trying to cover its private areas. Lyra stood frozen when the entirety of the shower curtain was gone and she was able to see the whole picture before her.

“HUDDDDDAH!”

And Worst of All, He Can Beat Everyone of Us

Berry Punch wiped off a bead of sweat that had formed on her forehead, a result of her hard labor on the repair of her home’s front. So far, wooden planks and other makeshift pieces had served their purpose, to protect the front of the home from unwanted attention. She turned to face her new human occupant, who had yet to wake up from his drunken stupor. He was sprawled across the floor, drool coming out of his mouth.

Berry Punch decided to try to move him somewhere else, preferably the guest bedroom. She moved up to his side and nudged him, receiving no motion in return. Demoman was much heavier than he appeared. She tried again, this time using her head to push. Again, the Scottish Cyclops stood still. She sighed and kicked him in his side, causing him to suddenly wake and say, “Oh me mother!” After his cryptic message, he went back to his slumber.

“Huh?” Berry Punch tilted her head, trying to make sense of what he had just said. But nothing clicked, he just randomly sat up and screamed something about his mom. She was about to wake him the old fashioned way, a good old cold bucket of water when something caught her attention. It was a wooden thing, but it also had metal cylinders and a barrel. She eyed it, intrigued with the device’s purpose.

The mare looked down the receiving end of the contraption, staring down the black hole of the barrel. She moved even closer, her one eye almost touching the metal of the thing. Just a little more....

“KABOOM!”

Berry Punch jumped back in fright as the thing shot out a red pill looking container that travelled towards her front door. And that was when her entire effort of the passed hour or so went to waste, as the explosive collided with the wood, destroying the entire front section for a second time.

Berry turned towards the source of the speaker, meeting a grinning Demoman who gave her a weird gesture consisting of one of the fingers on his hand pointing up. “You were all over that like shingles, lass!”

“What just happened?!” Berry Punch asked, pulling at her mane from the costs it would take to get more boarding materials.

“Ye just shot a case from me Loch-N-Load. Good job for a first time, you turned that wall into glue!” Demoman congratulated.

“Demoman...”

“Yes, me fellow drinker in arms?

“WHAT. THE. BUUUUC-”

“And welcome to my house!”

“........”

“What, don’t you like it, Sniper?”

“.....................I got nothing to say to this except,” Sniper took off multiple pairs of shades on his face, finally saying his comment after removing all eyewear. “Bloody hell.”

Ditzy Doo’s entire home covered in muffin-related memorabilia. It was fear-inducing to say the least. The furniture themselves resembled that of muffins, the home was chock full of muffin paintings, drawings, and what do you know, muffins. Ditzy plopped herself on her couch as she waved the Australian over. As he moved over, he could swear he saw a muffin move on its own.

He sat on a beanbag muffin as it shifted under his weight. “So this is the old place, eh? I’m not a knocker but ya sure got a lotta muffins here. Probably some in this bag as well.”

“Yep!” Ditzy replied, moving a cushion and revealing several prepackaged muffins. She ate them all but one, which she had taken a big bite out of and had only a small portion left. As she was about to finish it, she realized she had a guest. She giggled nervous and handed the muffin remnant to the Sniper. “Want some?”

“No worries, my oldies always taught me to never take from young girls.”

“Young? I’m a mare!” Ditzy frowned at the hunter, making him feel a bit guilty.

“Oi, sorry postie, I didn’t mean it like that. I just.....bloody hell! Is that what I think it is?!” Sniper jumped out of his seat and took off his glasses, his mouth hanging open.

Ditzy turned to meet his gaze, saying, “Oh,” upon seeing what he was looking at. “That was an old model I got at the annual Muffin-con last year. Want it?”

Sniper looked at Ditzy and got on his knees. “That is,” His eyes started to water as he held her hooves in his hands. “The nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, Sheila. Here, take this.” Sniper pulled something out of his backpack, placing it upon the cross-eyed pony’s head. “It’s my Shooter’s sola topi. I ain’t used it for years, you can have it as a gift from me. It looks good on ya.”

“Thanks!” Ditzy flew over to her mirror as Sniper went over to the oversized muffin helmet and plopped it on his cranium. She eyed the helmet, taking a liking to the fact that it supported her role as a mailmare. After examining a few more times, she turned back to Sniper and smiled wholeheartedly.

Sniper kicked at the ground trying to look away. “Could ya stop looking at me, your big head and eyes are making me uncomfortable.”

“Oh, that reminds me! Could you help me with something?”

“Sure.” Sniper followed the Pegasus into her kitchen as she brought out a giant piece of eatery.

“I need you to cut this,” She pointed at the grub.

“Alright, let me put on the right cap for this.” Sniper reached back into his bag, storing his new prize and pulling out his Trophy Belt, which still had those crocodile teeth lining its border.

“What are those?” Ditzy asked, touching the teeth and jumping back when it jabbed into her.

“It’s my hat that I wore while I fought this crocodile barehanded. It takes a real Australian to hunt the dangerous game. I remember it like it was yesterday...”

Somewhere in Australia

“Hey kids, blokes, and you wankers watching me on this show. This is...what show is this again?” A hunter asked, a Kukri and a jar of Jarate on his belt.

“It’s Animal Hunters Extreme 69, sir.” The cameraman responded.

“Whatever, this is the Australian wilderness. You gotta watch yourself in these parts, it’s dangerous. Brave men and women get lost and die in here all of the time. But there’s something even more important than that, there are teeth here that you can use for hats. Now, in my life as an Australian, you have to know how to pick your fights. Now follow me and I’ll show you what I mean.”

The two men walked along a river, cautious of any unwanted attention from the dangerous animals of the environment. Finally, they reached their destination as a pack of crocodiles sat lazily on the shore. “Alright,” The hunter turned back towards the camera. “In Australia, our greatest hero, Saxton Hale always said, ‘Take on things with nothing but your body. True Australians can do anything! BRAVE JUMP!’ I still remember my first time seeing him, he jumped through the rooftop and ended up on the moon. But still, that’s how you really hunt anything. Watch me,” The hunter charged towards the crocodiles.

Any people of another country’s nation would turn tail and run, but Australians were the very definition of men, of testosterone, of bravery. Hell, even the women and children of Australia grew mustaches. People also had the urge to rip off their shirts, growing chest hair in the shape of Australia. And this was all due to Australium, a mysterious material that could not only be used for items but for people as well, enhancing manliness and intelligence.

And so, the hunter beat the living hell out of the pack of reptilian creatures, yanking out the teeth of their alpha male and attaching them to a string which he tied around his hat. “And that’s how you hunt.”

“Pretty good story, eh Sheila?” Sniper loved his days as a hunter, not as much as popping heads but it was still enjoyable nonetheless.

“So you became a dentist for crocodiles?”

“Yeah, that’s about right.” Sniper answered, taking out his Bushwacka and glaring at Ditzy. “You know, I haven’t seen such a big head without cutting or shooting it in a while. I might just give up on this chastity...” Sniper raised his blade and jabbed into the tissue as red liquid splashed in different directions.

Ditzy had no time to react, only able to utter a single yelp as the Australian did not relent upon his damage. After a few more seconds and when it was deadly silent, Sniper wiped off some of the crimson red substance from his mouth and eyed his work.

“I haven’t been able to cut like that since Payload.” He took a finger and dipped it in the fluid, bringing it to his nose and sniffing. His primal instincts kicked in as he licked it and lapped it up like a dog. He shuddered, then grinned madly. “That was good.”

“I know! Jelly filled muffins are the best! Especially since these just got out of the oven.” Ditzy squeed.

“I gotta hand it to ya, girlie, I thought you were kidding.” Sniper took a proportionately cut piece of the jumbo muffin. “But this ain’t half bad. It’s Aces!”

“What can I say? Muffins are my thing.” Ditzy blindly scrambled around for her glass of juice, feeling it in her grasp and raising it up to drink. “Pfft! Again?!”

“You really should stop drinking my Jarate.”

Scout quickly zipped by the entirety of Ponyville, none of whom were able to see just what was going on. The only visible thing from their perspective was a red stream that flew by within seconds. Scout was glad he mixed his Crit-a-Cola with the Bonk! Atomic Punch to make something that made him six times faster and also allowed him to be seemingly transparent.

He was following the blue blur that was flying towards the center of town. It was definitely a pony, from what he heard and saw. And he needed to get it some serious care from the high levels of headbutt he had given to her via Atomizer.

“Aw jeez, this sucks! I mean, this did not just happen. Of all things, this had to happen, right? Un-freaking-believable.” Scout whined as he reached the corner where the blue pony had disappeared. “What the heck?”

As soon as he reached the alleyway, there was a Pegasus staring at him with some anger, hate, and for some reason an affection for his hands.

“Who the hay are you?!” Rainbow Dash positioned herself in a battle stance, intent on dealing some major damage on the would-be attacker in front of her.

“Whoa! Take it easy!” Scout moved back, preparing to run away.

“Nopony hits me and gets away with it!” Rainbow Dash charged, screaming at the top of her lungs and braced for impact with the red clothes-wearing creature.

“Uh, no!” Scout taunted as he drank his new found mix solution of the two sodas. And within minutes, he was running at the speed of light and was heading for a gingerbread house with candy adorning the exterior. “I’m not even winded!”

“Come out, come out where ever you are!” Pinkie called as she pulled open a cabinet in her room, causing a mountain of confetti to overcome here. “No, not there. Hm...if I were a Spy, where would I hide...” Pinkie suddenly jumped at the lamp next to her bed. “No, not there either...”

Spy sat deviously in what he considered the best hiding spot in the history of forever. He laughed quietly, letting out a small snort as he checked his Cloak and Dagger, which would allow him to remain transparent so long as he stood still. And still he stood, as Pinkie ran all around the room, checking impeccably redundant spots.

He needed to wait just a single minute before the game would be over, thus allowing him to receive the precious chef hat that Pinkie Pie had promised him upon his possible victory. And nothing, nothing, would get in the way of receiving a brand new headpiece.

“Gotcha!” Pinkie suddenly grabbed Spy, shaking him and causing his invisibility to distort.

With a catlike reflex, the Frenchman used his Dead Ringer and caused his apparent death, confusing the pink party pony and giving him some time to move to a new spot. No one would suspect him hiding in the kitchen sink! So he hesitantly made his way downstairs as he heard Pinkie yell, “Darn it!”

And there it was, the beauty of his life, the chef hat. He took it in his glove-wearing hands and put it on his head, grinning and laughing like a maniac. “Magnificent!” He praised the white cloth linen headwear. “What did she expect, this?” He asked no one in particular.

“Hello!” Pinkie jumped on Spy’s face.

“What a disaster!” Spy complained, his facade had been penetrated.

“I knew where you were the whole time, silly. You think I wouldn’t notice the springs on my bed being pushed with you on it? Silly spy guy, come on!”

“Zis is not good. But....I do have somezing you won’t expect!”

“What?” Pinkie asked, moving closer to the French assassin and smiling happily.

“Surprise!” Spy suddenly cloaked and appeared behind Pinkie and slammed her head into a bowl of cake batter. “Splendid!” He went to the door, looked back at a cake batter-covered mare, snorted, and slammed it shut as he left.

“What...?” Pinkie could only sputter out in confusion.

Spy stealthily walked down the street, not having a care in the world. All he needed were his hats, and life would be just dandy.

“You! You’re the one who pretended to be me!” Octavia shouted as she went straight for Spy.

“Mon dieu...”

“Is this little Flutter pony’s home? Is small and cozy. Heavy likes it!” Heavy tried to crouch, as his immense size crippled rapid movement in the cottage by the Everfree Forest.

“Yes, please be careful.” Fluttershy whispered as she guided the Russian through her home. They reached the living room area where there was a nice couch for Heavy to sit on. She invited him in as his rear met the surface of the furniture. Fluttershy took a seat at the chair opposite of said couch. “So, Mr. Heavy, what do you do?”

“Is not important little pony. Where is Apple pony?”

“Right here!” Applejack shouted as Heavy looked down and saw he was sitting on her tail.

“My bad, I am sorry.” Heavy apologized.

“It’s fine, just be careful, alright? Now then, you were sayin’?” Applejack asked, looking at Fluttershy.

“Oh, da. I take care of enemies. Is all you need to know..unless ponies want to know about my weapon?” Heavy brought up his precious gun, cradling it in his arms like a newborn baby.

“No, that’s quite alright. Now, what should we do?”

“Hmm....nothin’ here.” Applejack shrugged.

Heavy rubbed his chin, then brandishing his shaved scalp. He looked over to the cream Pegasus and grinned. “Heavy has idea. We work on making Flutter pony braver, no?”

“Okay....” The two friends agreed.

“Good, good. First, we work on attitude. Flutter pony, man walks up to you and smacks you on head and calls you baby. What do you do?”

“Run away?”

“Njet!” Heavy scolded.

“Apologize?”

“No!”

“Accept it?”

“No Flutter pony! You must not let others treat you like trash. Heavy was treated like he was stupid as child and even now with BLU, but big size makes Heavy scary. You need to look at other ponies, and punch them.” Heavy ordered, handing her a pair of Eviction’s Notice so she could become even more powerful.

“P-p-punch?! I don’t want to hurt anypony!” Fluttershy peeped.

“No, is not hurting ponies. Is breaking bones and killing them, is not hurt them. They will not feel pain, okay?” Heavy reassured, though his more graphic explanation didn’t help either. Fluttershy almost fainted but Heavy quickly muttered, “I was joke.”

“Oh okay.” Fluttershy still had a doubt remaining in her mind.

“Is this really gonna work, Mister?” Applejack questioned his current methods, unsure if he was even sure of his way of doing things.

“Da. Next is voice. Flutter pony, you are baby! You must speak like Heavy, with wind.. with...power! Repeat after Heavy; I am Heavy Weapons Shy, and this is my bunny.”

“...I......Weapons........this....my bunny.” Fluttershy muttered.

“Louder.” Heavy started blankly at the timid little mare.

“I am Heavy....Shy.....is my bunny..”

“Louder!” Heavy barked.

“I am Heavy Weapons Shy, and this is my bunny!” She said normally.

“It’s not usually my job, but...hehe.” Heavy gave her a thumbs up and cheered. “Little pony is almost big pony now. Now is final test; punch Apple pony in face.”

“W-what?!” Fluttershy’s jaw dropped right into the ground.

“What the hay are you doing?!” Applejack yelled.

“Punch her in face, in Soviet Russia, we learn that true men punch friends in face for fun. Now you do it, is last test.”

“No..”

“WHAT?!” Heavy shouted, some spit covering Fluttershy’s face. He stood to his full height, causing a part of the ceiling to come down. He moved closer to his new friend. “Do it, now!”

“No!”

“You will regret not listen to Heavy.” Heavy got closer to her face.

“NO!” Heavy stood back up. He brought his hand up and then swiftly back down. Fluttershy closed her eyes in horror of what might’ve been her final moment on Equestria. But, nothing happened. She opened her eyes to see a smiling Russian patting her mane.

“Is final test. Real men stand up to big men like me. Real men protect comrades, like Heavy protects Medic and Sniper. Now we shall celebrate!” Heavy vocalized positively.

“Whoo!” Applejack cheered.

“Yay!” Fluttershy followed with her feeble addition.

“Now, everyone gets bite from Sandvich. Eat up!” Heavy gave the Sandvich to Applejack and Fluttershy, both of whom chewed gleefully on the confection.

“This ish....really..gooddth....Heavy. What’s in it?” Fluttershy asked as she chewed appreciatively from her friend’s gift.

“Is Sandvich, has all of normal things. Mustard, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, cheese, ham, and pickles.” Heavy listed.

“Oh that’s great! I should just- wait what?” Fluttershy paused upon hearing a certain ingredient listed.

“What did y’all say?” Applejack asked.

“Mustard, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, cheese, ham, and pickles. Why, is not problem is it? Is just....oh...” The BLU mercenary just realized that he made the biggest mess up of his life, aside from not punching that one walrus in the face, of course. “I am sorry, Heavy is sorry, I did n-”

“HAM?!?” The two mares threw up Heavy’s direction, which unfortunately was the same time as when he was talking, with his mouth open.

Stunned beyond recognition and literally running five hundred courses in his mind, Heavy didn’t even realize the fact that the two ponies confiscated his lover and ran away. After throwing up himself, the Russian stood up and looked for the cause of the problem. “Where is Sandvich?” He looked out the window and saw Applejack carrying it on her back, running back to Ponyville. “APPLE PONY!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Huddah huddah, huh huh huddah huh!”

“I’m sorry! Jeez, how many times do I have to say it, huh? I didn’t mean to barge in on you like that, but you could’ve locked the door at least!” Lyra retorted.

“Huddah huh huddah huh huddah huddah huddah.” Pyro explained, still scrubbing in the bathtub which was now shut off to any onlookers.

“How was I supposed to know you have a fear of being locked in places? And you shouldn’t have even come to my house in the first place.”

“Mpphh mphh mph?”

“What’s popcorn have to do with this?” Lyra shouted over the blazing shower head inside the bathroom she stood ajar from.

“Huddah?”

“The towels are in there. Shoot, I just bought those from the Bath and Pony Works, yesterday! Great, now some alien gets to use my sixty bit special absorbent cloth. Great day so far, Heartstrings. You had to get out of bed today, didn’t you?” She asked herself.

Lyra lounged a bit more outside of the bathroom, but she soon realized that Pyro wasn’t leaving or done anytime soon. So she’d need to find something entertaining to do. She went back to her room when she saw a pair of blue goggles placed nonchalantly on the top shelf of her cupboard. “What are these?”

She put them on and everything changed before her eyes. Her room wasn’t her room anymore. It was a giant play land. Her bed turned into cotton candy, her furniture into gumdrops, and everything else into mints. Her stomach growled and boy was she getting hungry. She had to find something to eat soon.

Lyra turned tail and went downstairs, the goggles still covering her eyes. Everything was just so ecstatic and she couldn’t help but smile, smile, and smile. Upon reaching the bottom, the door opened and Lyra faced her roommate, Bon-Bon, who wasn’t Bon-Bon. No, it was her roommate’s voice, but in the mare’s place was a giant tub of ice cream. And it looked delicious.

“Hey Lyra, you got home pretty early. What are those on your head?” Bon-Bon, or the ice cream tub, wobbled closer, the metal spoon at the opening slid with each step. Lyra licked her lips, smelling the cotton candy and strawberry shampoo that her best friend had used just this morning. And the mare could not take it anymore.

Lyra jumped towards Bon-Bon, mouth wide open and drooling as she said, “I’m going to eat you!” Lyra sucked and chewed and everything. But after a few awkward seconds, she moved the goggles off and saw what she was really doing.

“Uh, Lyra, why are you eating my mane? Did you get a hold of that sugar dust candy again? I told you to stay away from it!” Bon-Bon scolded, causing her friend to recoil in embarrassment.

Lyra was literally sucking and trying to chew her friend’s mane. And now she just felt silly. Her cheeks flushed into a royal red as she tried to explain herself. “I was really hungry...and I-”

Bon-Bon gasped, causing Lyra to stop as she turned to her back and gasped as well.

Pyro stood there, dripping water all over the place as he still donned the shower cap. He had a pink towel wrapped around his body, although he was wearing a flame-retardant suit. Placing the rubber ducky on the table, he looked at the new mare who had returned and waved her hello.

“Lyra...”

“Bad Pyro! Bad! I said not to use my towel on your body!” Lyra chastised the RED pyrotechnics expert.

“Aww.....Huddah..”

A frantic Fluttershy was gasping for breath inside of Sugar Cube Corner. She had locked the door not even a second after her arrival, scaring the snot out of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, and Ditzy Doo. She stared around the room, taking in her surroundings. Realizing she was safe, she let out a breath of relief and sat down with her friends.

“Fluttershy, what happened?”

“This,” Fluttershy brought the Sandvich to view and caused everypony to recoil in surprise.

“But that’s Heavy’s Sandvich!” Ditzy remarked.

“I found out what’s in it...it’s horrible!” Fluttershy’s eyes began to tear up again.

“It’s okay, just tell us what happened.” Twilight went over and comforted her best friend, helping the timid mare’s mind to come to ease.

“Well...”

Fluttershy explained the whole situation, garnering questioning glares from the others.

“What?”

“I think you overreacted!” Pinkie Pie concluded, jumping around the shy little Pegasus.

“I agree with Pinkie on this one, creatures eat meat all of the time. Did you even ask him if he liked it?”

“Well..no...”

“Well then, it’s settled. We should go apologize.”

As the others agreed and Twilight started to lead them towards the locked door, loud knocks came from the outside.

“We need to protect the Sandvich!” A stumbling Octavia said as she ran towards Sugar Cube corner. As she reached the door, another human that was accompanied by Rainbow Dash. He was, unlike Spy, dressed in red clothing and was as slender as the fancy gentleman.

Scout pulled on the locked door, obviously trying to get inside. Getting away from Rainbow Dash was easy, but the locked door definitely allowed her to smack him a few times as he tried to pry the door open.

“Yo! A little help here?” Scout asked to the approaching Octavia.

“I got it, I got it! Stand back, human.” Octavia pushed as she used all of her fanciful thinking, refined status, and personal knowledge to get inside of the locked shop. She knocked on the door to the tune of the Shave and a Haircut tune. “Knock, knock, knock, uh.....knock.”

“Well that didn’t work.” Rainbow Dash commented, slapping Scout on the head a few more times.

“Huuuudddddaaaaahhhh!” Pyro screamed as he charged with his flamethrower, pushing Octavia and Scout into the door and destroying it completely.

“AHHHHHHH!” Scout and Octavia screamed as they were pushed passed the front door and into the middle of the shop.

“Ahhhhh......hey it’s still here.” Scout quickly regained his balance and took ahold of the Sandvich.

“Huddah huddah.” Pyro calmed down, helping Octavia up on her hooves. The others, Twilight, Ditzy, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and a lagging Lyra and Bon-Bon all gathered together with the humans to try to understand just what was going on.

“Ah-hem, Gentlemen.” Spy stepped into Sugar Cube Corner dramatically as everyone in the room turned their attention the the Frenchman. He had a limp Applejack slung over his shoulder, whether she was alive or dead, they had yet to find out. He walked slowly over to the group and looked around. “I see ze Sandvich is safe.”

“Safe and sound,” Twilight reassured.

“Yeah it is.” Scout replied.

“Tell me, did anyone happen to catch ze Mad Russian on ze way here?” Spy asked.

Everyone shrugged in response, looks of confusion spread on their faces.

“No? Zen we still have a problem,” Spy placed Applejack’s body on the table, a small shred of her hat lingering on her mane.

“And a hat.” Lyra added.

“Oohoohhoo, big problem.” Scout mocked as he picked up the hat. He moved backwards, unknowing of what was behind him. “I’ve killed plenty of Heavies. They’re a bunch of bald, ugly, weird looking scumbags. Like you,” Scout moved into Twilight’s horn, jabbing him in the back. “Ow, no offense.” The Boston Runner said as he rubbed his pained area, dropping the piece of hat while doing so.

“If you managed to kill zem, zen zey were not like me.” Spy picked up the shred of Applejack’s Stetson, handing it back to Scout. “And nozhing, nozhing like the Heavy loose inside this village.

“What are you, president of his fan club?” Scout insulted. Everypony giggled, chuckled, or laughed at his snide remark.

“No,” Spy turned around, getting into the RED mercenary’s face. “Zat would be your kitchen!” Spy slapped an entire photo album on the table next to Applejack’s body, revealing a Heavy raiding Scout’s home, punching his mom and eating everything in his refrigerator.

“Wh- Wher- Do ya- Whaa- Ah- Eh!” Scout babbled, shocked at the embarrassing images. He stood there dumbly, as still as a statue.

“Indeed. And now he’s here to punch us! So listen up, boy, or photography starring your kitchen will be ze second worst zing to happen to you today.” Spy took out his Spytron and lit up a cigarette, looking off into the window that displayed the outside view.

The other ponies and Pyro all shared the photos. They oohed and ahhed at the pictures, laughing at some and jeering at others. Scout regained his state of mind and jumped for the photos. “Gimme that!” He collected them and pocketed them for no eyes to ever bear witness to again.

“Ze Heavy has already attacked the citizens.”

Rarity hadn’t seen the others in some hours now, but it was worth it since she was spending the time to make brand new dresses for all of them, jewels enhancing the borders and such. She just needed to get this clothes rack safely across to Sugar Cube Corner to give it to her very best friends...

“Take that!” Heavy punched Rarity’s clothesline, causing them to fly in different directions. Some went in garbage cans, others were ripped to shreds, and some just exploded for literally no reason whatsoever.

“My dresses!” Rarity shrieked. She was pent up and was about to take revenge on the monstrosity that could do such a thing, when a giant ape-looking thing looked at her with hateful eyes.

“Where is Sandvich?!”

“Wh-what?” Rarity quivered.

“GRRRAH!” Heavy stomped on Rarity’s dress that she had made for herself. So much hard work went into that of all. And the thing just stomped on it...with dirt covered boots.

“Ohhh!” Rarity fainted from the commotion, leaving a bumbling Heavy to rampage through the town some more.

“You see what he’s done to our colleagues.” Spy motioned at the unconscious Applejack.

“Run Fluttershy, he won’t get passed me, ya hear?” Applejack ordered.

“But...”

“Run!” Fluttershy was pushed as Applejack bucked her in the direction of Pinkie’s home. The farmer turned back towards the main road, seeing an enraged Heavy charging at her. “You aint’ so tough!” Applejack taunted.

Heavy stopped at her, stared for a moment, lost in a sudden train of thought. But that’s when the impossible happened. Heavy took Applejack’s Stetson, causing her to leap for it to take it back. “Gimme mah hat back!!!” Heavy was never going to have it, not in this lifetime or the next.

Heavy brought the Stetson to his face........

And he ate it.

“..........” Applejack had nothing to say as Heavy burped and a shred of the hat onto her mane, rendering her unconscious from the sheer brutality of his treatment of her long-used family’s headwear.

“And worst of all, he could beat anyone of us.”

Sniper saw Heavy hulking around the edge of town, thanks to his eagle-like vision from his years as a hunter and assassin. He said goodbye to Ditzy as he went over to his fellow team member.

“Oi mate, ya alright?”

“Ponies take Sandvich. Ponies must pay.” Heavy cracked his knuckles as he eyed a candy-covered building in the distance, deciding that was where his precious companion was.

“What are ya talking about. I- Bloody Hell!” Sniper got punched in the face as Heavy pushed him aside. “You crazy wanker, watch what you’re-” Sniper was punched again, this time rendering him unconscious.

Now that Heavy was free, he had nothing stopping him on his journey for the Sandvich.

“He could be in zis very room!” Spy suggested, dramatically posing as if his life depended on it. “He could beat you. He could beat me. He could even be-” Spy got knocked to the ground as a Frying Pan smacked him dead on the cranium.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!!” Scout jumped for cover. Pyro stood there, baffled at the sudden attack.

“What? It was obvious, he’s Heavy. And we got him! That varmint ate mah hat!” Applejack shouted, proud with her work.

“Uh, Applejack, that’s Spy, not Heavy.” Pinkie reminded.

“Course that’s Heavy. What are y’all talkin’ 'bout?” Applejack questioned, kicking the knocked out Spy on the leg.

“She’s not right in the head...” Bon-Bon remarked.

“Yeah...” Lyra whispered.

“So we still got a problem?” Fluttershy asked everypony.

“Big problem,” Ditzy replied.

“Alright, who’s ready to go find this Heavy?” Rainbow Dash scanned for volunteers.

“Entire ponies is babies!”

I Did What I Could

Author's Apology: Nope. I don't owe one. I would've worked on a chapter or finished one about three days ago. But.....Mann vs. Machine. Enough said. And with any Valve update, it was so bugged I was only able to play two matches on the first two days, and they were horrible. It was fun, though, as me and Ragemoar were like the only ones that allowed our team to get to the final wave. Anyhow, since Valve finally fixed the matchmaking system for the most part, we've been playing it even more so....blame them if you want to point a finger. Oh, and uh, does any of you have a Strange Medi-gun? I've been looking for one for a while now. Short chapter, sorry but I've been in a writing funk ever since MvM came out. And they will take longer probably due to a summer assignment.

“And that one, don’t you dare forget that one.”

“But I-”

“Shut it, Demoman! You and your friends have destroyed my home too much already, and you’ve only been here for a few hours! Now pick up that piece of wood, and hammer. Now.” Berry Punch had taken a very firm dictatorial position after having her entire effort of a rebuilt front destroyed by Demoman’s weapon. And Demoman, the poor Scotsman, was forced to make reparations for all of the costs.

“Aye, but lass, I’m tellin’ ya I got millions of dollars. I could pay ya back right-”

“Stuff it, bomb boy. You are going to fix this house, and you are going to clean every crevice, crack, and opening. No booze.” Berry Punch demanded.

“NO BOOZE?! Are ya crazy, ya-” Demoman got a heart-breaking shatter in return.

“You have plenty of other bottles I can smash....” Berry Punch suggested as she started to caress the countless Scrumpy and other alcoholic beverages the Scotsman had stored in his backpack.

“Right away, missie!” Demoman suddenly perked up, although muttering under his voice about holding jobs or some other and Berry Punch being a lazy good for nothing.

“That’s a good boy. Now then, what’s in here....” Berry Punch searched through Demoman’s things, obviously not learning from the first time with his Loch-N-Load. There were hats, millions of them! There were just so many! Apart from the hats were hundreds of weapons...How the hay did all of these fit into a small backpack? Berry Punch brushed this thought aside as a giant blade’s hilt protruded out of the pack’s strap, causing her to hold it in her hooves as best as she could.

“Heads....”

“You say something, Demo?” Berry Punch asked.

“Only wonderful compliments about your wee little house, miss!.......And how I’m gonna blow your house up with me parrot..”

“Huh....” Berry Punch wondered as she continued examining the blade. It was fine steel, from what she could tell, as she touched the blade and could practically feel how sharp it was. There was some old wrapping on the hilt and along the bottom of the blade, most likely to hold it in its place. But still, there was something peculiar about this sword....something...evil.

“Heads....”

“Who is that?” Berry Punch whispered.

“Heads......”

“Stop it!”

“Heads.”

“Come out!”

“HEADS!!!!!”

Something took over Berry Punch, almost an innate primal instinct. She just had to obey the orders she was hearing, she needed to get heads. And there was a perfect specimen right there, working on her destroyed home. Berry Punch’s eyes glowed into evilly shining violets as she charged at Demoman and....

And......

And!!!!!!!!!

Slapped him with the hilt.

“You idiot......”

“Hey! What was that for, lass?!” Demoman asked furiously as he swiped the sword away from his new friend.

“I....I don’t know. It was just telling me to get heads...so I hit your head with the sword.” Berry Punch explained.

“You..Pffft! HAHAHAHAHA! Ye hit me with the sword, not cut me with it, dummy! You were supposed to cut me with it, though I’m glad ye didn’t. I forgot to explain, this here,” Demoman presented the giant claymore. “Is the Eyelander. It’s a cursed sword that makes yer eyes glow and makes you stronger and faster with each head ya collect. But you just did it wrong, so no foul. But never touch it again, ye hear me?” His eyes glowed while holding the sword and he took on a voice like that of Billy Mays. "Buy now for the souls of hundreds of children's and get an Ellis hat free." He went back to normal, not even aware of what he had just said.

Berry Punch pawed at the ground, finally pouting her lips and starting to cry. “I’m...I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hit you! It’s all my fault! I...have a way to make up for you! You can have the booze back and you don’t have to fix the house! Is that good?!” Berry Punch perked up.

“Aye, dandy. Now, go clean up and we’re gonna pay the lads a visit.” Demoman grinned fatherly at the mare as she went to her room. “Dumb ponies, I just got out of a free job! Alright!” He jumped into the air, clicking his heels together in victory. “But me mum did teach me to finish a job....Eh, why not?” The Scottish Cyclops went back to work on the house, working happily with a bottle of Scrumpy in his hand.

He took the bottle and poured, but nothing came out. “Huh, must’ve ran out. Well, there’s plenty more where that came from.” Tavish went to go retrieve his backpack but found it was not in its original place. “Berry must’ve taken it.” He reasoned. He walked over to her room, knocking a few times and receiving startled shrieks in return.

“..G-go away!” Berry Punch called out.

“What? You already don’t wear clothes, so it can’t be that. What’s bothering ye?” Demoman creaked open the door until he was met with a disgruntled pony with all of his Scrumpy bottles poured over the toilet. “............Lass.” He stated dryly.

“I can explain!”

“Lass.....”

“I said I could, give me a sec!”

“Lass.....”

“What?”

“Are those all of my bottles?!”

“I think so..”

“Do you know what you’ve just done?! Do you know how much pain and money it had cost me to get all of that?! Do you know- Oh hey, a hat!” Demoman’s outraged monologue got shortened as he ran giddily to a magical headpiece nearby. “Is this what I think it is?”

“If you think it’s a hat, then yes.” Berry Punch answered.

“Lass...this....is an Unusual! If you give me this, I love you.” DeGroot’s grim expression turned to that of a child in a confectionery.

“Sure, that old thing? It’s been in my family for generations. Something about a family legend or something. It’s just a hat though, I’ve seen plenty of better things like....my fruit juice! Wanna try?”

“Just a h- JUST A HAT?! Lass, this is an Unusual! A Crown of Prince Tavish! We haven’t seen it in the family for generations! It went missing in the legendary battle of Dunkirk, where me great ancestor used a gas leak and his torch to make an explosion! It’s what started the Demoman tradition. And you have it right here!”

“Uh, how do you know this is the same one?”

“Because, it has the same effect! They say the Lord himself came down and gave it to him, which is why Sunbeams always come out!” Tavish DeGroot recounted.

“Is it this ‘Jesus’ or ‘God’ guy in this ‘Bible’ book of yours?” Berry Punch inquired as she pointed towards a leather book with a giant cross on it.

“No, are you crazy? I’m not talking about that Lord, I’m talking about the Lord, Shakespearicles!”

“Who?”

“Shakespearicles! The toughest and manliest poet and writer to have ever lived. He made wondrous inventions, including the two-story building, stage play, America, and the Rocket Launcher! He was also the toughest bastard to have ever wrote. Sadly....he died. He never made stairs...it led to his death..” Demoman’s mood dimmed down.

“........You can’t be serious. Anyone can make stairs!” Berry Punch said.

“....Are ye insulting him?! It wasn’t until President Abraham Lincoln that stairs! That was over two hundred years! People had to rocket and bomb jump until then! And Lincoln was the original Pyro!”

“That sounds like toilet talk. If I say yes, will you just take it already?”

“Aye.” He responded.

“No.”

“What?!”

“Just kidding, take it. Let me go check the family photo album though. I think the old legend was in there, somewhere.” Berry Punch went to her closet and began rummaging through some items of little interest.

Demoman kissed his new hat, and put it upon his head. Now, he felt like someone wholly. He felt like he could save the world........from hatless hobos and hippies. He felt like he was salvation. He looked over to his best friend, and laughed upon seeing what was on her head. “I didn’t know ponies wear panties! Oh boy, that’s rich!”

Berry Punch furrowed her brows, looking at him, and was about to say something when said undergarment flew onto her chin. “Huh? You weren’t joking...” She carefully read the small note attached to the female underwear.

To our little Berry Punch,

Since you won’t be taking up the family tradition, you might as well take this. It should help you get the attention of that somepony special. We picked it out as the most arousing and alluring piece you’d see on such a beautiful mare.

Love,

Mom and Dad

Berry Punch blushed furiously at the thought of doing it......of......modeling! And sex. But still, she was embarrassed nonetheless and even more so because Demoman saw it. It wasn't exactly the best when a new tenant saw her lingerie. With Carrot Top, it was different since they were both mares. But ever since the carrot salespony had moved to a bigger home, Berry was left to pay for the bills on her own. And even though Demoman had no money, he would be able to provide much needed companionship and hard labor.

“Forget about that,” Berry Punch whipped out a big, dusty, old book and slammed it on the ground, sending millions of dirt particles to fly in different directions. She flipped the pages as Demoman came closer, rubbing his new hat, lovingly.

“So what is this, lass?”

“It's an old photo album, along with scraps of old journals, diaries, memos, that sort of thing. It’s basically like an old library, err mini library. Let me just look.....there it is!” She said as she pointed towards an old scroll. She picked it up and rolled it in her hooves, displaying it to the curious Scotsman.

“Let me see that.” Demoman unfurled it and read the text. “By God, lassie! This.....this is me old ancestor’s handwriting! It’s got the family crest right there!”

They both read the scroll together.

So, t’all ya fine dandies,

I’ve been thrown into another world while fighting Nessie, herself! It’s full of talking horses, monsters, and other fine beasts that ya can eat! There’s a big beast, it’s a giant star bear, I’m gonna go eat it. Now then, should anyone read this, I must warn you in the DeGroot name, be wary. There is a legend that the monster of one’s past will come to this place and haunt it forever! For example, I saw a house with stairs. Stairs! That’s crazy! Anyhow, time to go get some bear meat. Come here you. Die! Die! DIE! Oh, he hit me! I’m dying! I’m dying......gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“He did not just do that...” Berry Punch remarked.

“Looks like he wrote it as he died.” Demoman pointed out.

“Whatever, let’s go meet the others. Come on,” Berry Punch nudged Tavish towards the doorway, to which he opened and bowed like a gentleman.

He took his Eyelander in hand and something happened, his eye glowed and he started charging for no reason whatsoever. “ARRRRRGHH!”

And his blade hit straight into a pile of watermelons as he hacked away, letting everypony see the blade-on-melon atrocity.

“Oh, my melons!” A mare shouted as she fainted.

“Freedom!!!!!” Demoman randomly shouted.

And Sandvich Makes It All Complete!

“But I-”

“No.”

“It was-”

“No.”

“I was just-”

“No.”

“But lass, I was really just trying to-”

“NO.” Berry Punch shouted as Demoman cringed in fear. Her pupils had enlarged to the size of the moon, and she was literally fuming out of the ears. The Scottish explosives expert had no idea how bossy this mare could be. “You destroyed perfectly good melons. Then you went and threw Colgate into a window. AND THEN, you went and peed all over the water fountain in the middle of town. Really, what the hay was going on in your mind?! Do you know how embarrassing it was to get all of those stares?! Do you?!”

“...I..hm..” Demoman pondered a reasonable excuse as to why he did do all of those things. “Aha! I wanted freedom,” He closed his eyes and nodded his head as his arms folded across each other. This would definitely get him out of trouble.

“Freedom from what?” How Berry worded it, it sounded more like a statement than a question.

“Uh...I haven’t thought aboot that. From....the tyranny of melonkind?” He shrugged.

“And what about everything else?” She was not amused.

“That pony was lookin’ at me funny. Every nerve in me body just told me to throw her into that expensive vase shop! She was just prancin’ aboot with her head full of eyeballs. And lass, those were BIG eyeballs.” He explained.

“Demo...” Berry began.

“Me friends call me Tavish!” He pointed out.

“Demo...” She wasn’t his friend. “You're going to clean Opalescence for a week!” The mare was on the brink of a meltdown.

“Eh, that’s no problem! I’ve held multiple jobs before!” Demoman was now full of vigor. But he had no idea how much trouble he was in for.

“And you are giving me all of your weapons. And you are going to scrub the fountain clean. And you are going to fix everything in this entire town.”

“But I-”

“The only butt there’s going to be is yours after I kick it for being so stupid!”

“Ya know,” Demoman went up to Berry Punch and wrapped his left arm on her. “If ye were human, ye’d be the perfect lass to bring home to me mother. So feisty and commanding. I like it!” Demoman could picture it now....well sort of. He could see himself, along with his teammates, his mother, and a few friends all gathered in a church. And down the aisle, a bride with violet or raspberry colored hair would came walking down, a white veil covering her face. And when she got up to the altar, surrounded by Archimedes and a few other doves, she’d pull up the veil and kiss him with her.....Horse face?

Tavish DeGroot snapped out of his daze. That was ridiculously weird for him. He looked down at his friend, well he thought they were friends, and received a hoof to the face in response. “Demo, you are by far, the UGLIEST human I’ve ever seen. Not to mention disgusting! That Scout guy seems better than you!”

Demoman fell to the ground, not from the child-powered punch, but by the harsh words that he got about him. A man doesn’t cry over things. Especially Australians! Why once, a shark ate an Australian child’s arm off, and what did the child do in return? He punched the shark with his remaining hand and laughed at the sea creature for its pathetic attempt at taking the kid’s life. And that’s why Australians are the bomb! Wait...Demoman’s Scottish. FUUUUUU-

Berry Punch narrowed her eyes at the distraught RED mercenary. "What is it this time?"

"Me heart..."

"Oh it's not like you've never been rejected, everypony does." She started trotting away.

"Me heart...." Demoman repeated.

"The other's are waiting! Come on!" Berry came back and just as before, she used her somewhat veritable strength to push the human who was clutching at where his heart supposedly was.

"Me heart...."

"I can't move you be myself! It'd be way easier if you got up off your flanks, sucked it up, and-"

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!"

"Wha?" She looked down at the hunched over man and started backpedaling in fear as she saw the pained look in Demoman's eye. He was trying his hardest not to move, and she had been berating him and paying no mind to his health.

What would she do? What could she do? She was never in this type of situation before! Maybe she could run! No wait....then he'd die. That wouldn't be good, Berry Punch being responsible for the death of an alien and all because her eyes were becoming larger and her pupils were shrinking and expanding. She had to do something, anything!

"I can do this! I'll save you!" Berry Punch ran over to Demoman's body, which by now had sprawled across the ground, and repeatedly punched his chest in hopes of performing CPR. But wait.....she didn't know how to perform the maneuver.

"Argh! Lass! Stop!" A pained and seriously dying Scotsman pleaded as the raspberry mare was trying to break his ribcage.

"I can do it! Don't worry!" She said as she put all of her power into her forehooves. "Don't worry," She huffed for some air. "I got," She huffed again. "It!"

"....What are you doing?"

"Huh?" Berry craned her neck to the right to see a white coated mare with a cross Cutie Mark staring at the somewhat amusing yet life-threatening spectacle.

"You're doing it wrong, move aside please." Nurse Redheart took over, controlling the situation and conducting the correct form of procedure. The procedure will not be expressed in detail as an otherworldly being sat at a chair, unsure of how said procedure underwent as he wrote at his writing device.

After a few moments of life-saving, Demoman's life was saved. Nurse Redheart had saved his life! And the Scotsman was forever grateful.

"Thank ya, missy!"

"I have to admit, I've never seen anything like you before, and I was honestly guessing on your anatomy. Can I ask that you come in so I can take some observations?" The white mare had seen plenty of exotic races, so she learned to withhold her excitement over meeting new ones.

"Eh...I don't trust doctors except the German one, and I barely trust him. But ye did save me life....yes! Later!"

"See you then!" Nurse Redheart said as she trotted back towards the hospital. And she wasn't lying when she guessed, she was actually about to just call it a lost cause.

"Okay lass, ready to meet the boyos in the place with the thing?"

Berry Punch was both happy.....and annoyed. Demoman was more trouble than she thought he'd be. But she did have to admit to herself that had he died, she'd be sad. Anypony would. Besides, Demoman had a sort of friendly, yet troubled feel to him. It reminded her of family. Putting aside her anger, she said through gritted teeth, "Fine. Let's go."

"Alrighty," He took his Eyelander back in hand, his eye glowing as he opened his mouth to shout. "FREEDO-"

"No."

"Aww...."

"Argh....bloody hell, this isn't gonna feel good tomorrow." Sniper said to himself as he propped himself against a wall whilst rubbing his face. Getting punched in the face by a muscular Russian was not something anyone would like to do at all.

He picked up his hat, the Trophy Belt, and adjusted it on his head. And he had to say, today was just a load of fruit. And the Australian hated fruit, especially fruit shop owners. He looked to see where he was, slightly remembering why he was hit. "Something about...the bloke's....Sandvich..."

Sniper contemplated for a few moments the exact magnitude of said travesty. What could be possibly wrong about his Sandvich that would enrage him. It was just food, with ordinary things like lettuce, tomatoes, bologna, cheese...meat. Meat.

"Meat....AWW PISS!" Sniper dashed like a Dashin' Hashashin Assassin towards Sugar Cube Corner. But as he ran, something caught his eye. Something was spread around erratically on the ground, presumably what used to be dresses. But...it wasn't that. There was something else......a hat!

"Yeaheheheh, jolly good on me!" Sniper leaped in joy and clicked his heels as he placed the Modest Pile of Hat on his head. How could he get any luckier? Oh wait, he could! Because right next to the grey bowler hat was a black stove hat, and he did not delay in placing the tall black hat on top of his current one.

A Noble Amassment of Hats! This was great! There was no way-

"Bloody hell.....God save the queen..." Sniper took off his glasses, sniffled, and gulped. A lone tear dribbled down his face as a holy, bright light enshrouded him and an object (Play until scene change) before him.

Sniper took the final hat, the most holy of holy assortments, and placed it on his two hats. If Sniper were to die now, he'd die a happy man.

"Hats."

Sugar Cube Corner, the place where much of the action was going on. Hatless, explosionless action...okay, it wasn't action. Nothing is action without hats or explosions. It was more of an......impasse. Heavy stood on one side of the confectionery room, his nostrils flaring with Steam. The other side consisted of the ponies, Pyro, Scout, and an unconscious Spy, who had not been taken out by the brutish Russian, but the apple farmer!

The ponies, Fluttershy and a very babbling and disturbed Applejack (who was in the fetal position and muttering to herself over the hat murder from earlier), all got into their "battle positions". Pinkie and Bon-Bon grabbed Twilight and Lyra, respectively, and aimed their unicorn friends like weapons towards the hulking gorilla that was Heavy Weapons Guy. Scout had a jar of milk, which he had stolen from the fridge and when Rainbow Dash tried to stop him, he threw a baseball at her. Pyro was simply dumbfounded, poking at Spy's unconscious body.

Octavia had...well, pies! And she was ready to throw them at the costs of her weeks pay for wasting the food. And Heavy? What did he have? His Fists. And that was all he needed. He had earned many kills with those alone, in fact, Saxton Hale had even given him black leather gloves that recorded the number of kills just the other week. And his Fists were deadly.

He eyed each of them, all sneering and ready for the biggest fight of their lives. He took his right hand and placed it by his hip. He shook it, almost readying himself. And then, he raised his hand and said, "POW! HAHA!"

Scout's Mad Milk exploded and the dairy had spilled all over the group of defenders. Twilight, Pinkie, Lyra, and Bon-Bon were launched backwards until they smashed into a conveniently placed drywall. Octavia's pies turned to water, which was seriously impossible. But what was the weirdest of all? The Sandvich flew into the air and floated towards Heavy Weapons Guy like a possessed object.

Fluttershy and Applejack were currently the only ones still in this, excluding Pyro because he was poking Spy, and they had to take action. Fluttershy pulled at a chair, unsuccessfully lifting it until her friend helped her, and they tossed it towards Heavy.

"Take that!"

The chair was broken into pieces. And he grinned, waiting for their next futile attempt. This time, the two mares threw a table.

"And this!"

It didn't seem to work, either, as the table was reduced to wooden shreds. They only had one last resort. And it was definitely not going to work.

Applejack went up to Heavy........and hugged him. "Stop?"

Heavy's big, baboon (His heart was destroyed in an attempt to merge it with an Ubercharge module, so Medic replaced it with that of a baboon's) heart helped him to realize what he was doing. He wasn't like this. He was a nice guy, with nice hats, and a nice Sandvich. He should just- Wait a minute, they took his Sandvich!

"And this!" Heavy tossed Applejack into the giant cake batter mixer, in which she was spun around in endless circles.

Fluttershy squeaked as she came to the epiphany that she was the only one who could save the day. But all of Ponyville was counting on her, and she wasn't going to let it down!

"Please?" Fluttershy asked.

"Okay." Heavy sat down and took his Sandvich and hugged it. "Kiss me." As Heavy pressed his lips against the bread, a shifting noise came, followed by a crack. Heavy looked to see that it was Spy's dead body. His eyes ripped his eyelids apart, figuratively, as he instantly turned towards the door. The Sandvich was still floating. But then, a blue haze surrounded the lunch and Spy emerged from the previous stealth.

"No more for you, fat man!" Spy walked for the door, Heavy Weapons Guy taking out his Buffalo Steak and preparing to throw it as a weapon, when the door flew open and a blinding light came.

All heads turned towards the door, praising in awe of the sight that was mystifying and beautiful. Heavy's anger and Spy's current plan were abandoned upon seeing such beautiful magnificence.

"Magnificent!" Spy exclaimed.

"Is pretty!" Heavy proclaimed.

"Mates, allow me to introduce you all to my Towering Pillar of Hats." Sniper curtsied in lieu of his headwear's high esteemed respect, and grinned pridefully towards everyone.

"That...is.....are you all seein' what I'm seein'?" Scout asked, bamboozled at this predicament.

"Huddah...." Pyro praised.

Sniper walked into the store, receiving jealous glances from the other mercenaries, while unimpressed ones from the ponies.

"I don't get it." Twilight said.

"Yeah..." the others agreed.

Sniper wanted to say something, most likely an insult about them being fruit shop owners, when all of a sudden, the Sandvich floated into the air, this time unaided by the Frenchman as he was busy being devastated by the Towering Pile of Hats' significance.

As the Sandvich got closer to the Australian, Sniper's hat floated also, then a magical blue and red beam was emitted from the Sandvich, taking the Towering Pile of Hats in its hold, and then placing it back onto Sniper's head. When it was finished and dropped to the ground, everyone and everypony was left in stunned awe.

"This did not just happ-" Scout was interrupted as a Towering Pile of Hats popped out of thin air and was on the Boston Runner's head.

Before the others could comment, every other mercenary got their own Towering Pile of Hats as well. And this event, albeit extremely mysterious, was so captivating that Heavy had forgiven all of them in his heart. In fact, there was only one way of expressing this new found joy.

And a song to boot!

"My little Sandvich...." Heavy sang as he picked up Sandvich. "My little Sandvich..."

"Aww yeah!" Scout and the others responded in a similar tune.

"My little Sandvich. I used to wonder what Sandvich could be...until puny baby men shared dispenser with me." Heavy began.

"Bashing heads in," Scout added.

"Tons of guns!" Sniper said.

"A beautiful suit," Spy quipped.

"Huh huddah huh!"

Demoman jumped through the window (Which will happen very often later), with his Unusual Prince Crown atop a Towering Pile of Hats.

"Sharing headgea-glug-glug." He said while drinking a bottle of Scrumpy.

"Is easy feat! And Sandvich makes it all complete! You have,"

"MY LITTLE SANDVICH!!!!" All of the REDs and BLUs sang in harmony while embracing in a circle of manly hugging.

"Did you know that you are Heavy's very best friend?!" Heavy shouted.

All of the fully grown, hat wearing, somewhat mentally unstable, killers all sniffed. And they all shed a few manly tears. (Including Pyro, who had somehow managed to make a few tears come out of his Optical Lids, more likely from the fact that the fire sprinkler above him had gone off)

They all looked at each other and smiled.

"You guys are bucking stupid!" Derpy insulted as she went over to grab some juice from the counter. She somehow picked up the cup with her hooves, and she drank.

"PPPFFFTTTTT! SNIPER!!"

"My bad, Sheila."