The By-Product Of 3 Shots of Vodka and 2 Shots of Bundaberg Rum.

by SpunkyBrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4251

Rainbow Dash and Applejack are at it again, throwing dares left and right in order to prove who is the most 'daring' pony. When Applejack challenges Rainbow Dash to get Twilight Sparkle drunk, she grudgingly conforms to her friend's request.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack are at it again, throwing dares left and right in order to prove who is the most 'daring' pony. When Applejack challenges Rainbow Dash to get Twilight Sparkle drunk, she grudgingly conforms to her friend's request.

Published 2016-01-08 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-08 16:10:01 UTC

Stupid Things.

Author's Note

When people play stupid games. Stupid drinking games, particularly on 4chan, things can get a bit messy, especially if you are a lightweight. This is a story I found on my laptop after searching through cat folders my drunken me had made.Can confirm, Bundaberg Rum is absolutely vile. Smirnoff Vodka is better.

Shoutout to Altered Arax for drafting and editting my story. Thanks!

Stupid Things.

“Are you gonna do it?” Rainbow Dash asked, her excitement brimming as she watched her purple friend.

Twilight Sparkle scratched at her neck before grasping the bottle with her magic, the clear liquid swished inside as she brought it up to eye level. She observed it carefully, it looked like water with its transparency and lack of colour, but Rainbow Dash had told her it was a carefully brewed beverage called ‘Vodka’. Specially brewed for her in the hardy land of Russia, the land of turnips, potatoes and mail order mares, “I don’t know Rainbow, I’ve read about the effects of becoming intoxicated. I’m not sure if your silly dare is worth it.” Twilight said as she placed the bottle back onto the table.

Rainbow Dash’s face exchanged its cyan colour for a rosier hue as she heard Twilight call her dare ‘silly’. It was a difficult dare to complete, and Applejack chose it for her, just so she could lose. But, she wasn’t going to give up that easily. Rainbow Dash was determined to get Twilight to drink half a bottle of Vodka, her revenge would return tenfold with the strength of a billion suns, ready to prove Applejack how she was the most daring pony in all of Equestria, “Come on Twilight, it’s not as bad as you think,” she lied, “You’ll wake and be perfectly fine in the morning; and if not, a little coffee and a shower will fix everything.” Rainbow noticed Twilight’s doubtful glare, so she decided to mix up her tactics, “You will never know if you don’t try, how will you truly know something until you’ve experienced it… Besides, can’t you do this for me? Just this once?”

Twilight picked up the bottle again, turning it in a circular motion as she watched the liquid move, “I’ll drink a quarter, then pour the second quarter down the drain. Then you can say that you got me to drink half, and I’ll agree. Deal?” Twilight said, confident that she would be somewhat resistant to liquor. She raised an eyebrow at Rainbow and collected a glass from the kitchen as she finished speaking.

Rainbow’s answer was almost immediate, “Deal!” She took a seat on the opposite end of the table and carefully watched Twilight pour the Vodka into a glass. She was quite precise as she poured, carefully making sure that she didn’t cross over the two-hundred-and-fifty millilitre measurement she hoped for, “Come one,” Rainbow jeered, “this is taking an age.”

Twilight didn’t break her fluent pouring as she spoke, “I, am taking as much time as I need to do your silly dare. Why did you even feel the need to include me anyway?” Rainbow reeled in response to her friend’s question, she didn’t feel the need to respond since the answer was so obvious. She had to be the most daring pony of course, and how could she be the pony she dreamed of becoming if she gave up now?

The cup, now filled with what Twilight deemed to be two-hundred-and-fifty millilitres, was brought up to her snout. She sniffed it and immediately recoiled from the harsh smell; it wasn’t at all what she expected. The robust odor invaded her nostrils and refused to leave, it burnt her sinuses and caused her eyes to start watering, “Oh my Celestia!” She placed the cup back onto the table, “What is in this? It’s burning my nose.”

Rainbow Dash took a moment to think about the ingredients, finally landing upon a simple answer, “The main ingredients are water, ethanol and potatoes.”

“Well, it burns a bit much, I don’t think I can do this.” She screwed the lid onto the bottle and handed it to Rainbow Dash, “I just don’t think this is going to work.” The cup still remained on the table and the blistering liquid inside stayed still as it waited to be consumed.

“Come on Twilight, please.” Rainbow pressed her hooves together and moved them back and forward in a begging motion, “It will burn a little, but it’s not so bad once you get it down,” she lied again, “You won’t even feel it afterwards.” Twilight overlooked the smoke in her friend’s voice and reluctantly picked up the drink in her magic. She sniffed it again, trying to suppress her need to move away from the smell, and brought the rim of the glass to her lips.

“Just do it quickly?” Twilight asked from inside her cup.

“Yes, but-

Before Rainbow could finish her warning, Twilight downed the entire glass in a few short gulps. Her Adam’s apple moved in a fluent motion as she emptied the glass, and shortly afterward her eyes started to water again as she felt the pain across her tongue all the way down to her esophagus. Twilight dropped the glass onto the table as she went into a coughing fit, she rushed to her kitchen sink and immediately spat and drooled into the sink as her salivary glands pumped her mouth full of saliva. When she thought she was done with her spittle episode, Twilight filled her mouth with water and let the liquid cool her mouth. All the while, her innards felt as if a searing lump of coal pulled from a fire was passing through her body. She felt another coughing and spitting fit was going to arrive, so she turned to her sink and blasted the water out of her mouth before the first cough started. This continued on for a while before Twilight slumped onto the floor and leaned against the kitchen bench, she coughed periodically and kept swallowing any saliva that started to overflow in her mouth. Between coughs and swallows, she said, “I thought you said it would burn a little, and that it’s not so bad once you get it down.”

“Only if you sip it- you downed it almost immediately.” Rainbow Dash walked to her friend and placed a hoof on her shoulder, “How are you feeling?”

“Like somepony slashed up my insides then fed me disinfectant.” Twilight’s sentences were broke up into chunks as she constantly coughed in between, “What just happened to me?”

“I’m not sure, I’m certain your books can tell you. Are you going to be okay?” Rainbow pulled her friend by her foreleg and help her up to her hooves. Twilight seemed stable enough and could think clearly, for now. Maybe if Rainbow Dash just gave Twilight a few minutes, or possibly a few moments; Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure how resilient her friend could be to alchohol.

“I’ll be just fine,” she replied, “You can go back to Applejack and tell her that you finished your dare, let me empty the rest out of this.” Twilight grabbed the bottle with her magic and brought it to the sink, she unscrewed the lid and carelessly let it fall onto the floor. The tapping from the lid suddenly piqued her interest; she shifted her attention to the cap and watched it for a moment, it seemed so far away yet it was just at her hooves. She motioned to pick it up but only knocked it with her hoof, prompting it to roll underneath the counter.

“Twilight?” Rainbow inquired, “Are you feeling okay?”

Twilight shifted her attention again and looked towards her friend, “Hmm?” she looked around aimlessly for a moment before landing upon her friend, “Oh, I’ll be fine. I just need a moment, I’ll pour out the other quarter and you can… do what you need to.” The vodka bottle in her magical hold tilted slowly, she squinted her eyes and focused on the contents of the bottle as she tried to pour out another quarter. The first drop of water from the bottle led to a thin watercourse, then to a steady stream, and finally a gushing torrent of vodka.

The splashing sound from the sink caused Rainbow to take a quick peek at what Twilight was doing, when she noticed her friend was emptying the entire bottle she inquired her friend again, “Twilight? Are you sure you’re okay.”

The bottle of vodka followed Twilight as she turned to look at her friend. Consequentially, the contents, while it wasn’t much, poured onto the counter and the floor, “I’m just feeling a bit tired right now, it’s like- what time is it?”

“It’s noon.” Rainbow replied casually.

“Yeah, that time. It’s way late.” The bottle dropped from Twilight’s grasp, luckily Rainbow was able to retrieve the bottle before it crashed on the floor, “Can you help me up to the comfy, rectangle thing?”

“The bed?” Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight clicked her hoof in response and pointed at her friend, “Yes, I can help you up to bed, just put your hoof over my shoulder. Okay, good. Now, just one hoof at a time.” The process to reach the stairs was quite easy, Twilight listened carefully and kept stable enough to keep moving. “Okay, we’re at the steps now, just take it a step at a time, be careful.”

Twilight fumbled with the first step, each time she tried to place her hoof on the step, it just slipped out from underneath her, “This is quite peculiar,” she mumbled to herself, her words were beginning to slur, “It won’t shtay still.” She complained.

When Twilight finally gripped the first step and stayed on it, she smirked ear to ear and giggled hysterically, perhaps for a bit too long. Twilight was immediately filled with a sense of triumph, the step now subjugated beneath her hoof was a mere delay in her conquest to the top. She looked upwards and observed the remaining stairs that stood in the way to whatever she was trying to reach, she didn’t remember what waited for her, she just knew she wanted to reach it. Her impish grin grew wider as she thought about dominating the remaining stairs; she would be the Queen of the stairs and no mortal- or immortal for that matter- could compete with her. ‘Now, onto the second step’ she thought as she placed her hoof onto the next step. Just like before, she fumbled with the next step and complained about its complexity, “Thish is quite peculiar- It won’t shtay still.” She repeated.

Rainbow Dash watched as her friend fumbled with the remaining step, her heart dropped as she realised her friend was going to repeat the process all over again- Rainbow wasn’t sure if she had the patience to stay with her friend until she reached the top on her own. She thought about whether she should let her continue on her conquest, or if she should simply fly her to the top of the stairs. She favoured the latter, “Come on girl, let me get you.” Rainbow Dash said as she scooped Twilight into her forelegs. She was at the top in an instant, there was hardly enough time for Twilight to realise that Rainbow had picked her up and carefully rested her on the bed.

“I made it!” Twilight shouted to herself, “I am the besh!”

“Yes- are you going to be fine by yourself?” Rainbow Dash asked as she moved towards the staircase. She turned around and found her answer; Twilight was face first into her white pillow and was already drooling onto the fabric, “Good.” She mumbled to herself, relieved that Twilight was no longer her responsibility.

Outside, Rainbow Dash trotted triumphantly to Sweet Apple Acres, which was a good half an hour trip to the farm- if she kept her current, steady pace. Though, she was also at least half a minute if she flared her wings, soared into the clear air, and bolted to the farm. However, Rainbow Dash felt an internal need to gloat- to who? She wasn’t sure, perhaps to herself or the ponies around her. Either way, she needed to gloat, and she was going to spend her sweet time doing so.

After a few minutes of silent gloating, Rainbow Dash heard somepony call her name. Though, she only just heard it since the voice was very faint. She turned to what she thought was the source and saw Pinkie Pie. Her pink friend was dressed in a cooking apron, an excessively large chef’s hat, and she may as well have been dressed in a fine layer of cookie dough. Atop her hat was Gummy, who too was covered in cookie dough. Though, he was trying to clean himself by licking the dough off his scales; he did it in the way that only a reptilian could achieve. He stared forward without purpose, as if he was looking into the endless void, and slowly traced his long tongue across his body, and sometimes across his eyeballs. Pinkie Pie noticed Rainbow Dash watching her and waved rapidly towards her friend. Rainbow Dash returned the wave and smiled faintly, then she turned and continued on the path to Sweet Apple Acres. However, somepony, somewhere, called her name again. Rainbow turned back to Pinkie Pie, but her friend was already inside and was preparing to whip up another cupcake storm, “Rainbow Dash!” She heard faintly, her name was then trailed by a zapping sound. This cycle continued for a few moments, it sounded as if the voice was coming closer, but every now and then it would be fainter and further away.

Rainbow Dash soon got fed up with waiting and decided to call to the open air, “Who is it?!” She yelled, some of the ponies around her pondered whether Rainbow Dash was a complete lunatic screaming into the air, so they slowly shifted away and ignored her existence. Her call was answered after a few seconds of waiting. A purple flash appeared directly before her, followed by Twilight Sparkle appearing and yelling at her friend.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight shrieked.

Her friend’s shrill scream prompted Rainbow to shield her ears with her hooves and wince from the initial pain as the first wave of her friend’s sonic yell flooded her ears, “What do you want?” Rainbow asked in a hushed shout once her friend was done, “I thought you wanted to sleep.”

“I do,” Twilight replied, “But. I remembered that you and Applejack were doing a daring contest-

Rainbow Dash cut her friend short of her sentence, “No. You are not joining a daring contest between me and Applejack.”

“No, nonononono… No, I remembered that you and Applejack were doing a daring contesht, then I remembered that Applejack makes amazing apple tarts, sho I felt a bit hungry and I wanted something to eat.” Twilight pointed in, what looked to Rainbow Dash, a completely random direction, and by chance landed upon the nearest burger joint, “Lesh eat there- will you join me?” Twilight asked as she bowed her head and aimlessly gestured towards the glass doors as if she were a chauffeur catering to their next customer.

Instead of walking where Twilight directed, Rainbow Dash gripped Twilight’s foreleg and motioned to pull her towards her friend’s home, “Twilight, you have to go to bed- you can’t be outside right-

“Unhand me!” Twilight shrieked, she pulled her foreleg from her friend’s grip, and nearly fell in the process of doing so, “I am royalty- I will eat where I pleashe, when I pleashe.” Twilight motioned to continue with her speech, but fell short as she distracted herself with the thought of a newly made burger. The cheese slowly melting on the fluffy, bottom bun while slices of tomatoes were laid on top, then a layer of lettuce mixed with and pickles graced the top of the tomato before the sauce and bun were used to contain the burger’s divinity. Yet, in Twilight’s mind, something was missing in the burger, something that provided a chewy texture to the meal along with a taste that could enhance its entirety. Perhaps such a thing was forbidden among ponies- Twilight wasn’t sure.

Instead of simply walking the fifteen yards to reach the glass doors, Twilight immediately fired up her horn and teleported in front of them, leaving behind a charred mark on the dirt. Rainbow Dash simply watched as her friend ensued herself in a battle against pull doors as she tried to push against them. Her foe did not waver, and neither did she. She pushed harder and harder, yet the door did not yield. Rainbow Dash noticed her friend’s plight and approached Twilight, tapping her on the shoulder as she said, “Twilight, it’s a pull door.” Twilight stopped trying to force her way through the door, allowing Rainbow Dash ample time to grab the door handle and demonstrate the proper way to opening a pull door.

Twilight scoffed at her friend and flicked her fringe, as if spunk was exploding out of her every orifice, “I knew that, I was testing it’s fleshibility.” She then fired up her horn and teleported to the customer counter, almost giving the cashier a heart attack in the process. Before the cashier could ask how her new customer’s day was, Twilight immediately blurted out her order, “I need two medium cheeseburgers, two large soda’s- doesn’t matter what flavour they are- and a ‘Big Box’ of hayfries.”

The cashier took a moment to register the hasty order before she pressed a few buttons into a machine on the counter. Twilight’s order appeared on a small screen along with the price as the cashier pushed buttons, “That’ll be twelve bits, please.”

Twilight missed the counter a few times before she finally placed her foreleg on the counter and slowly leant closer to the cashier, her eyebrows raised higher the closer she leant in, “Do you,” Twilight started as she stopped etching closer, “realise who I am?”

Legitimately confused, and slightly scared, the cashier looked to the other ponies who had noticed Twilight’s drunken state, as if they were hoping that the other ponies would provide some clarification. The cashier replied by shaking her head, prompting Twilight to scoff haughtily and polish her hoof against her coat.

“I don’t suppose you haven’t heard of-

Before Twilight could continue to intimidate the cashier, Rainbow Dash interrupted her friend’s sentence and dropped twelve bits on the counter, “Here you go- We’ll sit over there.” Rainbow Dash pointed to a table in the far corner of the restaurant. She led Twilight to the table and carefully chose her seat, trying to pick the bench with the least amount of leftovers and grot on it. Twilight, however, didn’t seem to care- she simply sat on a stool without a care for the hayfries she had just crushed beneath her weight, “What are we doing here Twilight? You should be in bed.”

“As I shaid Rainbow,” Twilight wiped her hoof underneath the table and across all the gum that had accumulated underneath it- old and new. She brought her hoof up and shook it furiously, trying to shake the gum off, “You and Applejack were doing a daring contesth. Therefore, I was hungry.”

Rainbow Dash took a moment to remember the correlation Twilight had explained before, “Well, after this, you have to go to bed.”
Twilight shook her head innocently, as if she were a young filly who had been offered spinach, “Not until I get something to eat.”

As Rainbow Dash motioned to speak, two trays, both with a cheese burger and a soda, were carelessly placed on the table as well as a box of hayfries, “Thanks.” Rainbow Dash said to the waiter as she reached for the cheeseburger in front of her, only for it to be slowly pulled away from her by Twilight, who was already halfway into her cheeseburger and was washing it down with large mouthfuls of soda.

Twilight tried to speak through her meal, but her words came out as incoherent murmurs and specks of food shooting onto the table. Rainbow Dash simply nodded her head in response, unsure of what she was saying and whether it was of any importance. However, as she watched Twilight, she experienced what it is like to see a hungry beast gorge on its latest meal, and in a matter of thirty seconds, the experience was no longer available to other ponies.

After Twilight devoured her meal, she sat silent in her chair while her friend simply watched as her twelve bits were wasted on her drunken friend, “Shall we go then?” Rainbow asked, “I’m sure you want to get back home, right?”

“No,” Twilight replied, prompting Rainbow Dash to inhale deeply, “We have to go visit… what’s her name?”

“What do you mean?” Rainbow Dash asked, trying to keep herself from yelling at her friend, “I thought you said that you would go to bed after you ate something?”

“And I thought you nodded to me saying ‘we should visit Fluttershy’” Twilight said as she picked at her teeth.

At the mention of Fluttershy, at this point in time, Rainbow Dash immediately knew she needed to keep Twilight from visiting their shy friend. Though, how was she supposed to contest a princess, magic user, and above all, drunken friend. For a moment, she wondered about how she would prevent this visit from happening, but, a single devious thought crossed her mind for a moment. ‘What if I let her go,’ Rainbow Dash mused, ‘this could be very amusing’. She pondered about it again, and she didn’t find any harm in letting her do so, though, she would need to keep Twilight in control, “I guess we can, I don’t see any harm in it.” Twilight threw her forelegs into the air and cheered loudly, attracting the attention, again, of everypony in the restaurant.

Outside, Rainbow Dash hailed a stagecoach that was headed in the same direction as Fluttershy’s house. Twilight took the back seat near the left window, while Rainbow Dash claimed the seat next to her. The trip to Fluttershy’s cottage seemed as if it would be free from any incident, but, halfway to the cottage, Twilight found the need to hang her head out of the window. Rainbow Dash listened carefully, just in case her friend was expelling food from her stomach. Though, it didn’t sound like anything was occurring, so, she chalked it up to Twilight needing some fresh air, “Are you going to be okay, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asked. There was no answer, except for the sick groaning that followed every bump and turn the carriage made. Like any concerned friend, who was now regretting their decision to watch their drunken friend’s hilarities, Rainbow Dash softly pat her friend on the back while she asked the driver if they could take them back home. The driver gladly obliged and altered his destination to Twilight’s home, provoking another sickening grunt from Twilight, “Are you going to be okay?” Rainbow Dash asked again, “Do you feel sick?”

Again, there was no answer. At least for a few minutes, until the carriage driver stopped abruptly upon reaching his destination. The contents of Twilight’s stomach twisted, which was accompanied by a rising hotness in her gullet. The twisting had encouraged her latest meal to climb into her throat, then out of her mouth, splashing against the ground and against the carriage door. The rancorous taste of her own vomit made her stomach twist again. Rainbow Dash was quick to react as soon as she heard Twilight’s retching. In an instant, she threw open the door and helped Twilight out by collecting her in her forelegs. She took caution when lifting her friend, she raised her out of the seat with the utmost care and tenderly hovered through the houses front door, up the stairs, and to the bed, where she carefully placed her friend.

Downstairs, Spike was lying on the sofa and was engrossed in the latest edition of ‘Superpony’, completely unaware of the events that had just taken place, “Spike,” Rainbow Dash called in a hushed tone, “Spike, I need your help.” At first, Spike hardly noticed that his name was being called, but after a few moments and a few more calls, he was called to attention and immediately rushed upstairs. “Twilight is feeling a bit sick,” Rainbow Dash said as Spike reached the top, “I need you to take care of her. Can you do that?”

Sighing heavily, Spike walked back downstairs and returned a few moments later with a round, green bucket, which he placed next to Twilight. He climbed onto the bed and sat with her, trying to coax her to sleep. Rainbow Dash thought about staying for a while longer, just to make sure that her friend was okay, but Spike assured her that he should be fine on his own.

Rainbow Dash left, relieved that Twilight was no longer her responsibility, and made her way towards Sweet Apple Acres with a hasty trot. She couldn’t wait to return to the daring contest. Besides, Rainbow Dash had a great dare in retaliation to Applejack’s challenge. Rainbow Dash was sure that Applejack would have difficulties coaxing Rarity to drink half a bottle of the vilest and bitter alcohol to ever exist. Bundaberg Rum.